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Neither man really wants to get back into a car after their roadtrip went so sour, not to mention they probably both need serious medical attention - especially Buck, who is putting on a strong face but is clearly not ok.
5 more hours. They will be home by 8ish, and then Eddie can get Buck to a hospital to be checked out. The doctor might have cleared him for travel, but Eddie's not so sure.
“Why don’t you close your eyes and sleep a bit, bud? You really don’t look good.”
“I’m fine.” He’s still holding himself so rigidly, thanks to the 3 busted ribs he’s been fighting against since the crash. Whenever they stop to get Buck on his feet - every 90 minutes, per doctor’s instructions - Eddie practically has to hold him up.
If Buck’s not gonna sleep, then he needs to at least keep his mind off the pain, even if it’s an argument.
“You scared me, at the diner.”
“Hmm?”
“What was the whole thing about me killing you with a fork?”
“I don’t know, man. Think I just lost it. I’m sorry.
“I’m not trying to fight, it just worried me. You said I had a deathwish, but you…you acted like you really wanted me to kill you.”
“I’m just tired.”
He looks over again. “I told you that you should sleep. I don’t need you to stay awake while I drive.”
“I mean, you threw a cup at me the other day.”
“I was bored. Wanted you to talk to me, don’t need that now - or at least as much as you need rest.”
“Wasn’t what I meant anyway. I’m tired of…I dunno. All of it.”
“I’m listening, Buck. Talk to me.”
Buck sighs, still looking out the window. “You know when we had the intervention for Hen, the things she said?”
“About us not caring?”
“Yeah. That’s how I’ve been feeling since Bobby died. Kinda pissed me off when she said it too, because we’d all asked her about her health and she shut us down. But me? God, Eddie, I spent months running circles around everyone trying to make sure you guys were ok. And no one ever even asked. Thought I was over it, tried to be. Things have been better lately, but it’s just…I’ve felt so alone.”
“You’ve always got me, Buck.”
“Do I, though? It’s not like you’ve been especially open. Feels like I’ve been pulling teeth trying to hold our friendship together.”
That hurts. But he knows Buck’s right. He’s been holding himself apart from his best friend lately. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for that to happen. We had a great time in Nashville though. Seemed like we were back to our usual selves.”
“Yeah. Think I’m just worried that once we get home, it’ll all go back to how it was.”
“I don’t want that either. Maybe - maybe we can both make a little more effort? You know, to talk, hang out.”
Buck nods. “Ok.”
“So, you wanna talk about it?”
“About what?”
“What happened to you in New Mexico.”
His friend squeezes his eyes shut, dropping his head back into the seat, and Eddie reaches over and takes his hand. “Hey. We don’t have to right now. I just wanted you to know I’m here.”
“Ok. Thanks.”
“Chris is gonna be happy to see us when we get back. Might have some questions about why we look like shit.”
“God, I wasn’t sure I was ever gonna see him again. Didn’t think I’d see anyone again.”
“They are all waiting for us. Not that you have to see everyone tonight. Your sister will want to come over, but if you don’t want anyone else there, I’ll tell them.”
“Maybe not tonight. I just want to go home, you know? To my own bed.”
That makes sense, but he’s a little disappointed, he’d really hoped Buck would stay with him for a bit. “You wanna go home alone? I don’t know if that’s such a good idea, bud.”
He shrugs, and Eddie can tell the conversation is stressing him out. They still have a few hours to go before he has to make that decision anyway. But then Buck finally looks over to him for the first time since they got in the car.
“Thanks. You know. For coming to find me.”
He squeezes Buck’s hand again, not letting go this time. “I’m always gonna come for you, Buck. We save each other. It’s what we do.”
“Just wish we’d stop needing to.”
They lapse into silence for a while, Eddie still holding onto Buck’s hand, brushing over his torn knuckles with his thumb. They don’t normally do this, but right now - they could both use the link.
He’s been scared a lot in his life. He’s been scared for Buck more than a few times. But this - he really wasn’t sure he was gonna find him, or what he’d find when he did. When he’d woken up in that hospital sore and fuzzy, his only concern had been that Buck had gotten hurt in the crash. When they told him they didn’t know who Evan Buckley even was? God, his heart had plummeted.
What would a life even look like if Evan Buckley wasn’t in it?
“You didn’t exist.”
Was he thinking out loud? “What do you mean?”
“She told me you didn’t exist. And there were a few moments when I believed her. That I was Derek, and you weren’t out there.”
“They told me no one was in the car. That my concussion was making me confused. I didn't believe them. I knew you were out there. I could feel that you were out there.” Because he had. He'd opened his eyes expecting Buck to be in the bedroom next to him, or at the very least somewhere in the hospital. When he wasn't, Eddie had known something was very wrong.
“You couldn't feel me, that's…I mean you don't even believe in that kind of thing.”
“I know what it felt like when you died. When you suddenly weren't part of the world anymore.”
Buck squeezes his hand and looks over at him, his forehead wrinkled like he's trying to figure something out. “How did it feel?”
“Empty. It was so empty, Buck. Like I'd never see the sun shine again.” His voice gets thick at the memory.
“And you didn't feel that this time.”
“Panic. I felt panic and terror and worry. But I didn't feel empty.”
“So you knew I was still out there?”
“And prayed I wasn't wrong.”
“I heard you. Your screams. I could hear them.”
“Really?”
He nods. “Gave me the strength to get free. I'd almost given up. But then I heard you and…fuck.” Buck squeezes his eyes against his tears.
“Hey, we don't have to talk about this now.”
“I don't want to. But I think - if we don't now, we won't ever talk about it again.”
“We might.”
“We talked about the shooting once, and only because I wanted to know what death felt like to you. We haven't talked about any of it.”
“Maybe we should.”
“Maybe.”
“What happened when you heard me?”
“I took the first deep breath I’d taken all day, which hurt like a motherfucker.”
Eddie laughs shallowly and Buck flashes a half cocked grin that doesn't reach his eyes.
“I wasn't the only one who heard you though. Bonnie was pissed. She turned on Earl so fast. They thought you died in the crash. Think he was supposed to…make sure of it.’
“Jesus.”
“I…I begged her to let you go.”
“What?”
“She was a desperate mother. I thought maybe she'd show mercy if…if she knew you had a son too.”
Eddie blows out a heavy breath. Is he saying what it sounds like he's saying? “You sacrificed yourself. For me?”
“She wasn't gonna let me go. One of us has to watch Chris grow up.” Buck turns his head to the glass, but Eddie can see the tears in the reflection.
“Think it's time for a walking break.”
“There’s nothing out here.”
“I know. We should stop anyway.” He finds a spot that is somewhat safe to pull over. “Come on. I'll help you.”
“I can do it.”
But Eddie gets out and opens his car door. “I don't think you're gonna make it up that without help.” He points in the distance.
“You want me to walk up that?”
“Nope.” He leans over and picks him up by the thighs so he can support his torso, then heads up the small hill nearby.
“Eddie. Eddie, fuck. What are you doing?”
“The sun is setting. Have you ever seen a desert sunset?”
“Plains. Not desert. Never made it down this far until I reached LA.”
“Then you've gotta see it, at least once.” He sets him down gently on the ground and sits beside him close enough for their shoulders to touch. “He’s yours too.”
“Hmm?”
“Chris. You have a son too, Buck.”
“He’s not really mine.”
“He loves you. I - “ He cuts himself off. “I put you in my will for a reason.”
“Just in case. But if she killed both of us…”
“Not just in case. I put you there because he's yours as much as mine. There's no one else in this world I trust with my son except you - because you're his father too.”
“If that were really true then…” Buck looks pissed and Eddie's not sure why.
“Then what? Finish it. Please.”
“You would have taken me to Texas with you. Or at the very least ask me what I thought, maybe we could have figured something out together.”
He hisses out a breath. “You're right. And I'm sorry.”
His friend's head swings to him. “Thought you were gonna fight me on that.”
“No. I messed up and you lost your son, and I never acknowledged it.” He puts his hand over the one Buck is leaning against. “I am now. And I'm sorry. I don't have any excuses except that I wasn't in a good place, even before the whole Kim and Marisol thing. Had tunnel vision I guess, just needed to see him. Get him back. Whatever that meant.”
“I know. I know you did Eddie. I was never mad that you went for him.”
“You just felt empty.”
“I felt so empty, Eddie." He lets go of Eddie's hand to wipe a tear with his fist. “You were both gone and for all I knew, never coming back - you even said before we left that you weren't sure you would have. You were the one person I never thought would leave me.”
“And I did, with nothing but a wave in the mirror.”
“You looked back. That's what I held onto for months. Abby never did.”
When he gets compared to Buck’s first love, all the air leaves his chest.
Buck keeps going. “I know it's not the same. But it hurt the same way. More, maybe.”
“We've known each other a lot longer than you and Abby."
“Yeah. That's probably it.” His blue eyes sparkle in the golden light, until he closes them and lifts his face a little as if he's trying to soak up the rest of the warmth.
“Recharging?”
“What?”
“Always wondered where you got it from. Your sunshine. Now I see.” He nods to the setting sun. “It's beautiful.” As he says it, he knows he didn't mean the sunset.
“I've always loved them. It's one of the reasons I got the loft in the first place, it faced west. So does my yard.” He adjusts, hissing a bit. “You were right though, not sure I've ever seen one like this.” He looks over. “Thanks.”
“Buck.”
“Mm?”
“I wasn't talking about the sunset.”
“You literally pointed at the sky, Eds.”
He takes a breath. “I was talking about you. Your sunshine. It's beautiful.”
His shoulders stiffen, as if he's bracing himself. “Don’t.”
“Don't tell you're beautiful?”
“Don’t…not like that. Not if you…just don’t.”
“Watch the sky for a moment.”
“That's all you can - “
“No. But watch.” It's prime green flash conditions. “Don't blink.”
Except Eddie doesn't watch for the green. He watches Buck, and he knows when it happens. Beautiful.
His eyes get big and his mouth drops open. “Did you see that? I've never seen a green flash before.”
“Wasn't sure if you saw one when you'd been at the beach.”
“How did you know it would happen?”
“I used to go out in the evenings and sit on this bench we had behind the house, it looked out over the desert. I could be quiet out there, at least until my mom realized I wasn't with my sisters. I could just…be…for a few minutes.”
“I’d climb up into the big oak tree in the front yard to watch the sunset. My parents never even noticed I was gone, except for the one time I fell out and broke my leg trying to get mom to look up when she went to get the mail.”
“So this isn't the first time we've watched the sunset together.”
“I mean, you were two hours behind me so…”
He can't help but roll his eyes at his somehow both amazingly smart and amazingly idiotic friend. “So you just got to see it before I did. Just like you got to the 118 first. And a near death experience on the job first. You lost someone to lightning first. And you realized you liked men first.”
The last part comes out in a rush, and he didn't totally mean to say it like that.
“Who did I lose to lightning?”
“The well - didn't the drill get hit?”
“OH. Right.”
He just waits. Buck will process what he said in 3…2…1…
“Wait. What?”
“There it is.”
“All those things were things I did first, but you did them after.”
“That's true.”
“Except the last one.”
“Not true.”
“You did them all after.”
“Mm.”
“You're…”
“Gay. I’m gay, Buck.”
“This is why you carried me up this hill even though it hurt. So you could tell me?”
“No. I carried you up the hill so I could finally do this.” He leans over, cupping Buck's confused face, and kisses him.
His friend stiffens at first, frozen. And Eddie pulls back a little, staring into his eyes, sees the hesitation. He was wrong. A coyote howls in the distance. And he realizes how dark it's gotten. “We should go.” Eddie stands and helps Buck to his feet, trying to pretend like his heart isn't breaking. “Going down should be easier.”
Buck reaches out to wrap a hand around the back of his neck and kisses him like it's the last time.
They almost didn't get a first. He almost lost Buck before he fully understood his feelings. Before he told him. He almost never got this.
He pulls back again, except this time it's because the lump on his throat is keeping him from breathing properly.
“Eds. What's wrong?”
He gives his head a little shakes. “I’m just really glad we made it out, because if we had died before I got to love you, I think I would never have been able to move on.”
“I never thought you'd feel the same way I did.”
“You just got there first. As usual.”
Buck grins against his mouth after another brief kiss. “You told me you loved me first.”
“Did I?” He teases. “All I said was that I was afraid of dying BEFORE I could love you.” He laughs when Buck's face falls. “I'm kidding. I think I've loved you for years. Just didn't really understand it until this trip.”
“How did you know how I felt?”
“Baby. You sacrificed yourself for me. Multiple times. You tried to pull her focus back to you so she didn't come outside. You told her about Chris. And then you cowprodded Earl when you could barely crawl.”
“I'm a firefighter, Eddie, I would have done that for anyone.” But his teeth flash in the moonlight.
“You probably would. But it was more than that.”
“I could feel you. At the well. I knew you weren't gone. No one would listen to me. But, I didn't feel empty. Then when you were shot? I felt…hollow. Not totally empty, just…like if somebody cut me open my heart would be gone. And when you went to Texas…it almost killed me.”
Another coyote yells and there’s an answering howl.
“Ok. I want to keep talking, but we need to get out of the desert. Can you make it down or you want me to carry you again?”
He can tell Buck wants to do it himself, but he shakes his head. “Would you carry me? I'm sorry.”
“Don’t be, Mi Sol. I've got you.” He carries him bridal style this time, which he knows hurts, but he needs to be able to see where he's going as they make their way back to the car.
He gets Buck situated, leaning the seat back a bit so he doesn't have to hold himself so rigidly, then goes around to the other side to shut himself into the passenger seat. “I felt empty in Texas too. I had Chris back but if someone cut me open, my heart wouldn't have been there.”
“But you only came back for Bobby. And you only stayed for Chim.”
“God. No. Neither of those things are true.” He holds up a hand in admittance. “Ok, I would have come back for Bobby regardless. But I came back because I knew you'd need me. And I didn't stay because Chim ordered me not to go to Texas. I stayed because he ordered you not to leave the 118.”
“I don't understand. You were leaving.”.
“We were already talking about coming home, after Chris was done with school. We both missed you. El Paso wasn't home anymore - you were in LA.”
“So why…we had a whole fight about it.”
“Somewhere in your telephone chain it got lost that I told Hen that I WASN'T taking the job and she was throwing me a party to celebrate me coming back.”
“No that's not…dammit Ravi.” He palms his face. “But you WERE leaving. We gave you a going away party.”
“I didn't think you wanted me here after that fight. Plus I think I was furious with myself for the things I said.”
“You were running.”
“Mm. I didn't understand that I loved you then, but it's so obvious now. And you told us you were transferring, that the 118 was just a number, and I figured I'd made the right decision.”
“So when Chimney took command…”
“He made you stay. I wouldn't have, if you'd left. I love Chim and Hen. Ravi too. But there wouldn't have been sunshine in LA if you'd have left.”
“Why did it take you two weeks to come home?”
He sighs. “Honestly? I had to drive until I could afford the plane ticket.”
Buck looks surprised at that. “I would have bought your tickets, if I knew that was the only reason you weren't home.”
“I know you would have. And I thought about it. But it was also cowardice I think. Guilt, for not being there to save him. How could I come back and face you when I’d left and Bobby died?"
“Eds, I'm glad you weren't there.”
“Really?”
“You would have been inside, in Ravi’s place. Not outside with me. You might have died too.” He sniffs. “I could have lost my father and the love of my life. I did everything I could. You have to know that. Hell I even called in a favor from TOMMY. I didn't care if I'd end up in Supermax. Athena and I, we fought. But we didn't know about Bobby. And even when he shut himself away, I still tried to find a way into that cage.”
Eddie's been listening intently as Buck speaks. But when he finally stops, Eddie thumbs his chin to make him turn his head. “Everything I said that night was a projection. It was all about me, not you. It was never you that was the problem. I wasn't there, and I came home to find a shell of my best friend. It hurt so much I just snapped. And I'm sorry.”
Buck opens his mouth to say something but Eddie's phone rings. “Chris, hey.”
“Where are you? You said you'd be back by 8.”
Shit. It's almost 9.
“We had to pull over for a break. But we are headed that way. I think 2 more hours.” He turns on the ignition and gets back on the empty highway.
“Kay. If I'm asleep, wake me up.”
“Will do, bud. Tell Carla we are on our way.”
“She says it's fine.”
“Love you.”
“Love you too, dad. And Buck!”
Buck settles down into his seat. “Didn't realize we'd been here for that long.”
“Me either. But you were right. There was a lot we needed to talk about.”
“What happens next?”
“I’m gonna drive us home and you are spending the night at our place, where I can keep an eye on you.”
“That's not what I meant. I meant - what are we doing? What does this mean?”
“I know it wasn't." He gives him a soft smile, reaching over to take his hand and kiss the back of his knuckles. “It means that I don't want to go back to the way things were - before Texas or before this trip. You're my best friend, Buck. But I think it's been more than that for awhile and I think that maybe we should stop wasting time. And I think we should keep your house because it's bigger.”
“You want to move in together?”
“Mi Sol, how many nights do we actually stay apart?”
“Lately?”
“Ok not lately. But before it all got weird.”
“Not many.”
“And then we lived together for months. I hated that you left.”
“Had to. It was killing me to be there.”
“Probably about as much as it hurt me to push you away. I thought I was just scared about my sexuality. Told myself that I couldn't lie to you, but I couldn't tell you yet either, so it was better to just not see you.”
“But?”
“I was probably already in love with you and I was scared to mess this up like I've done everything else. I just wasn't able to admit it to myself.” They cross the California state line. “I hate being apart from you. Every time I lose you, it's worse. I don't want to waste anymore time.”
“I don't either. I've woken up twice in a world where you didn't exist. I don't ever want to let you out of my sight.”
“So move in with me. At your house, because it's bigger, obviously.”
“Obviously. Eddie. Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.” He kisses the back of his hand again. “Look, I wanted to stay with you at first anyway. You just went through hell. I’m not leaving you alone right now. But this time, it’s for good.”
“No more running.”
“No more running. Are you in this with me?”
“Move in with me, Eddie."
He smiles, wipes a tear off his cheek. “Do you really want to stop wasting time?”
“Yeah.”
“Then marry me.”
He hears Buck’s inhale, feels his body go rigid. Eddie opens his mouth to backtrack when he hears him whisper, “You want to marry me.”
“Yes, Mi Sol. Now that I know? I want everything.”
“I want it too. I'm scared though.”
“What are you scared of?”
“Are you just saying all this because we almost died again? And what I just experienced…what we experienced. I don't think that's going away anytime soon.”
“I know. We probably both need to schedule therapy appointments. I don't think that everything is going to be golden now. But if things are going to be hard, Buck, you're the only person I would want to do it with.”
“Yes. OK.”
“Yeah?”
“Yes.” He's quiet for a moment. “I want to adopt Christopher too. Or at least ask him if he wants that.”
“He will. Mi Sol. I'm not the only one who thinks he's already yours.”
They are pulling into LA now. “Do you need to go to the hospital first? You still don't look good.”
“You called me beautiful earlier.”
“You are beautiful. You're also in pain.”
“I just want to sleep. If it's still bad in the morning, I’ll let you take me.”
“Deal.”
-
The house is mostly dark when they pull up to Bedford Street much later than they'd planned and Eddie helps Buck in the house. Carla's on the couch with a book.
“Hey boys. Oh gosh, you both look awful."
“Don't feel great.” Eddie confirms. “He still awake?”
“Haven't heard him in awhile but he was gonna try to wait for you.”
“Thanks for staying with him.”
“Of course. He's my man. You two need help before I go?”
“No, go home. We are gonna crash.”
Buck’s already opening Chris' door, clearly not wanting to wait for him to say goodbye to Carla. Eddie joins him in the doorway. Their son is asleep. “He wanted me to wake him, but I think we'll just let him sleep.”
“I just needed to see him.” Buck leans back against Eddie's chest.
“Me too. Let's go to bed. We should shower but you're barely holding yourself up.”
Eddie guides Buck to the bed and helps him change into more comfortable clothes, handing him a pain pill and some water, before climbing in on his side, leaning over to kiss his partner.
Buck gives him a soft smile. “You know it's a tragedy that I finally have you in bed and I'm too tired and sore to do anything about it.”
“We've slept together before."
“Not as us though.”
“You know what it means though, right?"
“What?”
“I get to hold you without pretending it was an accident.” He wraps an arm over Buck's belly, sinking his head into the pillow. He's never been more glad to be home. Buck sighs in relief too, the stress oozing out of him. “Sleep. Mi Sol. I'll be right here.”
Nightmares will come. The trauma will catch up to them. But for tonight, at least, they are safe. Ribs heal, so do concussions. Neither of them are new to PTSD. They have each other. Always.