Chapter Text
October 2016
“Shane”
The second his name had fallen from Rozanov's lips, his heart felt like it had stopped completely. A million emotions had bubbled to the surface, but in that moment fear had taken over and all he could do was apologise and get away as fast as possible.
Shane hadn't even gone to get his clothes from the bedroom, still wearing the black joggers and a raiders t-shirt that Ilya had thrown at him. Joking earlier in the afternoon about how people would pay for a picture of Shane wearing it. He had called a car and locked himself in the bathroom while he waited for the car to show up and ran out of the house as soon as it had arrived.
Getting into the car, he realized that tears had begun streaming down his face with a ferocity to rival the fastest river. Shane wiped his face with the back of his hand and looked out the window, watching as the car pulled out of the driveway and away from Rozanov's house.
Getting back to the hotel room was a challenge. Wearing a Boston shirt as a Voyagers player was not ideal and Shane all but sprinted to the elevator, pressing the button frantically to open the door. As soon as the elevator door opened he got inside and pressed the door close button, watching the doors close and his reflection appear.
His hair was disheveled, spiking up in random spots from where Ilya's hands had been an hour prior. His shirt, well not his shirt, was crumpled, hanging off his frame due to the larger size. And his eyes were bloodshot, bright red around the rims and still glassy, tears threatening to come out once more.
Getting out of the elevator and quickly down the hall, still on high alert for any of his team mates that could spot him, Shane finally made it to the room and unlocked the door.
As soon as he had unlocked the door to the room and saw Hayden sitting on the bed, Shane knew he was done for. The look on Hayden's face, seeing Shane red eyed and panicked, all while wearing a Boston shirt was enough to start the tears flowing down Shane's face all over again.
Hayden stood from his spot on the bed and walked over to Shane with concern written all over his face.
“Hey bud, are you ok?” Hayden looked at Shane who had begun to skink to the floor, back pressed up against the door. Not even mentioning the fact that Shane, captain of the Montreal Voyagers, was currently wearing different clothes than he had left in just hours prior, and of course, a t-shirt with their rivals logo on it.
“I fucked up Hayd, like badly” Shanes voice was raw and scratchy from crying, he cleared his throat, the noise sounds hard and aggressive to his ears causing him to sink even further onto the floor.
“Woah, hey hey, look whatever happened we can fix it. Was it something that happened with Lily?” Hayden said, slight panic edging into his voice.
Shane chuckled and thought for a moment before looking at Hayden, who had moved to sit down next to Shane on the floor.
Mumbling under his breath Shane shook his head slowly “You wouldn't believe me if I told you”
“Try me”
With all the thoughts that ran through his head about how to possibly explain to Hayden what had just occurred in his life, Shane looked over at him and took a deep breath and looked down at the floor. Hayden was his best friend, and maybe the person who knew him best in the entire world. Shane had thought about telling Hayden that he way gay many times, but there was never a time that felt truly right. But right now, in his panic induced state, there seemed like no better time than the present.
“Well firstly, I um, well I should probably tell you that I’m gay.”
Shane paused, almost like he was waiting for Hayden to scoot away from him and make a face of disgust. Hayden didn't move, something close to shock, but maybe understanding crossed over his face. Like realizing years of comments, small actions and locker room talk that Shane had been subjected to over the years.
Before Hayden could even comment on the news that Shane had just dropped on him, Shane started speaking again, and as soon as he started it was like he couldn't stop. Years of secrets and lies spilling out of his lips before he could even think of what he was saying.
“Boston lily isn't a girl, he never was. We've been meeting up since 2009 and I didn't want to tell anyone because it could get us both in a lot of shit. I was over at his house today, I d-don't really know what happened but he said something to me and I panicked and left. I don't know what to do, Hayd what do I do. I really messed everything up. I just, I can't..”
Hayden reached over and wrapped Shane in a tight hug, bracing his hands at his sides and squeezing tight. “Woah woah, Shane hey bud, calm down” Hayden let go of his sides and grabbed Shane's shoulders, the weight slowing down Shane's thoughts, anchoring him to the present. “Can I ask you a question, please?”
Shane just nods slowly, bracing for impact as if one question would set off a chain reaction of many more, which in this moment was most likely the case given the circumstances.
Hayden spoke slowly, almost like the way he talked to Gemma and Ruby when they were feeling upset, “Why are you wearing a Boston t-shirt bud” he locked eyes with Shane “And you don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but I am extremely curious and a little worried”
Shane's breath hitched, “If I tell you something, can you promise to not tell another soul” His voice was suddenly extremely serious, putting on the face that Hayden knew meant he meant business. “And I know what I'm about to tell you is going to sound insane, and you might never want to talk to me ever again, but I need to tell you for everything to make sense.” Shane was rambling at this point, doing everything in his power to delay the inevitable. But honestly there was no other way for him to explain the t-shirt other than with the truth. Or, well part of the truth if he could. Shane knew that after he dropped the bomb that Boston lily is actually Bostons Ilya rozanov, Hayden would have a couple questions, and honestly he was so sick of lying to Hayden.
“Yeah bud, I promise I won't tell anyone. Look whatever it is, nothing will make me stop being your friend. I love you dude, you know that.”
Shane looked at Hayden and took a deep breath before speaking. “Boston Lily is um... Ilya Rozanov…” As soon as the words left his mouth he held his breath, waiting for Hayden's response.
For what seemed like hours, all Hayden could do is stare at Shane, his mouth slightly open. Shane knew that this was probably the last thing that Hayden expected him to say, but he felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Finally someone knew the secret he had been keeping for almost a decade. Finally Hayden spoke.
“Wait, what are you talking about Shane”
“Rozanov is Boston Lily, he has been the entire time” Shane was back to being afraid all over again, it wasn't like he expected Hayden to take the news particularly well, but he had some hope that his best friend would be able to have some understanding.
“Um ok, Sorry dude I'm just trying to process this information.” Hayden stood up from the floor suddenly and began to pace around the hotel room. “So you are saying you have been in a relationship with Rozanov since your rookie season? That's when you started texting Lily right, or Rozanov I guess.”
“Well no, not a relationship really, just um. Well you know, and it was actually the summer before rookie season, but that doesn't really matter right now I suppose.” Shane attempted to laugh a bit, but the noise that left him ended up sounding more like a strangled cat than anything else.
“So Rozanov is your um… fuck buddy?” Hayden slightly cringed at the phrase he had just said before looking back at Shane. Shane, who looked equally mortified about what Hayden had said just nodded his head, which was the only answer that he needed at the moment. Hayden was attempting to make this as not awkward as possible, which was proving to be slightly difficult at the moment.
Hayden stopped pacing for a second and looked out the windows, his brain was attempting to process over a decades worth of information that had come rushing back, thinking back to every time Shane had gone to see Lily while they were in Boston. And all the times Shane would make an excuse to not go out with the team after they played Boston “ Wait ok, so Rozanov is lily which means that you were just at his house, if i’m guessing correctly”
Shane sighed before answering. “Yeah I was”
“So that's Rozanov's shirt,” Hayden said, pointing at the Boston logo on Shane's chest.
“Yes it is.” Shane responded, trying to answer all of Hayden's questions truthfully was turning out to be exhausting, and combined with the fact that he had been crying, his body was showing signs of breaking down.
“Can I ask what happened to make you cry? Cause if he hurt you, I might need to kill him” Hayden's voice was so serious and tense that it almost made Shane jump. He knew that Hayden tended to be protective of him, but this was the most intense he had seen Hayden, when they weren't actively playing a hockey game.
Shane's brain was running a mile a minute, going back and trying to remember everything that had happened that day. Thinking of a way to try and explain to Hayden what had happened to make him run away and break down. “No he didn't hurt me, he would never do that I promise. I just, I.. um. I don't really know what happened, but I can try to explain”
Shane stood up, back aching from his time spent leaning against the door. His head was starting to hurt, that feeling you get after crying so hard your lungs ache, and all that's left are the feelings of everything that you are running from.
Shane walked over to one of the beds and sat down, motioning to Hayden to sit on the bed across from him, “Its kinda a long story you might want to sit down”
Hayden walked over and sat directly across from Shane, hands on his thighs, waiting for Shane to start talking.
“I went over to his house today, not planning on staying long. We normally don't have a lot of time so that's what I've gotten used to I guess.” Shane was looking behind Hayden's shoulder at the Boston skyline, trying to find the words to describe what had happened that afternoon. “But he asked me to stay, I don't know why I said yes, but he was really almost begging me to stay.” Memories flashed through shanes head of the look on ilyas face when he asked him to stay, poking fun at him about Hayden being his mother, and had leaned in to kiss him with more emotion than he ever had before.
“It was like my brain wouldn't let me say no in that moment, everything felt different, but it felt nice”
Hayden stayed sitting on the bed, not saying anything, nodding his head every now and again in some sort of pseudo understanding of the situation (even though he didn't understand one bit).
“We took a nap, we've never done that before; we slept with each other. Well slept next to each other I mean. And then when we woke up he made me lunch. It felt so domestic. So normal, compared to how we usually are.”
Shane shook his head and looked down at his lap, tears welling up in his eyes. “It felt like what I've wanted for a really long time.” With that, tears started cascading down his cheeks, face growing red.
“It's like I didn't even know I wanted that until it happened, and I didn't know how to react.” Shane felt like now that he had started telling Hayden about what happened, he was finally starting to realize his feelings.
“But after, we were sitting on his couch and talking, like actually having I think the longest conversation we've ever had, and it felt so nice. And well one thing lead to another, and well you probably know.” Shane didn't want to go into details about the specifics of his "relationship" with Hayden, that part felt like it was taking it a step too far.
“I don't know what happened but, he said my name” Shane paused and looked up at Hayden, who was looking quite confused.
‘Wait he said your name? And that's a bad thing?”
Shane was struggling, trying to put into perspective for Hayden the bounds of the relationship he had with Rozanov, if you could call it a relationship. Well whatever it was, they had drawn up walls over the years of lines they didn't cross. One of which being calling each other their first names.
“He called me Shane, He's ever called me that before, only Hollander” Shane tried to explain. “And after everything else that had happened that day, I just got freaked out I guess.”
“So you left?” Hayden asks lightly. The comment makes Shane pause, and something like guilt passed over his face.
“More like I completely left him hanging and ran out of his house crying” Shane all but sobs out “I just left him there and all I could do was make up some lame excuse about having a team meeting”
Shane reached up to press the palms of his hands against his eyes while he tried to calm his breathing, taking deep breaths while his shoulders shuddered.
“God I fucked up Hayd” Shane mumbles from behind his hands.
Hayden had remained silent, trying to let Shane talk while also trying to process all the information that was being pushed onto him. He knew Shane well enough that sometimes he just had to let him talk and be there as someone who could listen. And well to be quite honest, Hayden had absolutely no idea what to say at the moment.
“And now, Fuck, we have to play them tomorrow and I have to see him” Shane looks up at Hayden, finally removing his hands from their place over his eyes. “I don't know if I can do it”
At that, Hayden finally finds the words that he knows Shane needs to hear at this moment. “Shane, buddy. I know I don't know what this feels like for you. But if there's one thing I know about you at all, it's that you can play. I feel like the worst thing you could do right now is not play. Maybe it will be a good distraction. Just lock in on the game and once it’s done, you won't have to see him for a while”
“I guess. But I don't know if I don't want to see him. After today, I feel like everything has changed.” Shane's breath quickened again. “Hayden, I think I'm in love with him, and I don't know what to do about it”
The admission of what he had been feeling came pouring out of his lips before he had time to process what he was actually saying.
“You love him.” Hayden said, voice sounding shocked.
“Yeah I think I really do”
“Do you think he feels the same way?” Hayden asked gently, not knowing what the answer would be, he was having a hard time processing everything in general, but hearing Shane say that he loved rozanov was something that he didn't expect.
“I don't know, I'm just so confused right now. Today was just so different from what we normally have” Shane sighed.
Hayden looked at Shane, his best friend was a shell of his normal self. Crumpled in on himself and looking more tired than he has ever seen him before. Hayden stood up and crossed the short distance between their beds, placing his hands on Shane's shoulders. “I need you to know that nothing you told me today makes me think of you any differently.” Shane was looking at him, his eyes still glassy. “I love you dude, nothing could change that, even if I do question your decisions sometimes. Especially this one. I don't understand why you love him of all people. But I'm here to support you. Whatever you need, I'm here for you."
Shane looked up at him and nodded his head “love you too dude. Thanks for not freaking out at me or anything” Shane chuckled nervously.
Hayden gently squeezed Shane's shoulders, and started speaking again, in the same soft tone he had been using. “I think right now, the best thing you could do for yourself would be to get yourself cleaned up, shower and go to bed.”
Shane took note of how he felt, his entire body was aching. His face felt stiff from the lines of salty tears that had made their way down his cheeks, and he was still wearing Ilya's shirt. He nodded, not having any more words left to say and stood up.
Hayden watched as Shane walked over to the bathroom, and closed the door behind himself.
Shane got into the bathroom and began to strip off his clothes. Looking down at the Boston shirt in his hands, some tears welled up in his eyes once more before he shook his head and folded the shirt. Setting it down on the vanity along with the pants, also Ilya's.
Shane spent a long time in the shower, attempting to wash away the evidence of the day he had. By the time he was out, the sun had long gone down and Hayden had changed into sweats and got into his bed. “Feeling better at all?” he asked Shane.
“A bit, but I'm exhausted.” Shane stretched his arms above his head, feeling the ache of his muscles that seemed to flow all the way into his bones.
“Let's go to bed, bud, you need to get some good sleep tonight before tomorrow.” Hayden knew that tomorrow was going to be a hard day for Shane, and the last thing he needed was to be tired on top of the stress that he knew the next day would bring.
Shane nodded and climbed into bed, now wearing his own clothes, and feeling a bit fresher. Hayden looked over at Shane and gave him a small smile. “Love you dude”
“Love you too Hayd, thanks again” Shane said, yawning. Sleep creeped up to him quickly.
Shane laid his head down on his pillow and took a deep breath, and by the next time Hayden looked over to turn off the light, his best friend had passed out. Hayden shook his head smiling slowly to himself and whispered into the quiet room.
“Thank you for trusting me”