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"Rosanov?" The questioning voice came from a few feet away. Ilya shouldn't have been surprised that someone managed to find him. Ilya's gaze landed on Scott Hunter, "what are you doing here?" Scott asked looking as dumbfounded as possible. "Wanted to see what Scott Hunter Night was. Is not as bad as it sounds." He explained with a teasing grin.
Scott snorted a laugh and shook his head, "did you really come to a gay bar in Vegas just to make fun of me?" Ilya brushed off his question, "so," he said looking around the crowded club and gesturing broadly, "this is you now?" "This is me," Hunter said with a hesitant nod, "I mean this has always been me. But now I'm..... better at being me."
Rosanov paused for a moment, deciding if this was the time to push teasing him or not. "Is good," he said after deciding to drop the teasing for now, "what you did. It will be good for..... others" "I hope so" Scott responded earnestly. It wasn't long before Ilya couldn't bring himself to hold his gaze any longer. "I'm here with some of the guys," Scott said clumsily, "from my team, I mean. You, uh, you wanna join us?" Ilya couldn't help the warm smile as he accepted Scott's offer and followed him back to the VIP area.
"What the fuck is that guy doing here?" Ilya heard Carter Vaughan shout as he trailed awkwardly behind Hunter. "I invited him to join us." Scott stated pointedly. Ilya took an open seat on the couch as a waitress was arriving with several liquor bottles that she left in an ice bucket for everyone to help themselves to. Ilya allowed everyone else to get their drinks first before pouring himself some vodka into a cup. It wasn't the best vodka available, but it was far from the worst. He managed to make small talk with the rival players around him as he sipped at his drink.
A few drinks later and Ilya was watching Scott's boyfriend lead him to the dance floor by the hand. He couldn't help the genuine smirk that came over his face. Carter Vaughan left for the dance floor soon after Hunter, and Matti Jalo followed behind a minute later. Ilya excused himself for the bathroom and by the time he returned all of the remaining Admirals had disappeared from the VIP. Ilya refilled his drink and took up a spot at the railing to watch the crowd below. At first Ilya was enjoying himself, even thinking of going to join his fellow NHL players on the dance floor, but soon a bitterness began to rise inside him.
"It should be me," Ilya mumbled to himself as he stalked back to the table of liquor to pour himself another drink. After picking up the bottle of vodka Ilya decided to forgo the cup and begin sipping from the bottle since no one else was around. Ilya dropped heavily onto the couch with a sigh.
Am I seriously jealous of Scott fucking Hunter right now? Ilya thought before taking another drink from the bottle in his hand. He has the cup, he has a boyfriend, he's in PUBLIC with his boyfriend, dancing, drinking, living MY dream.
Ilya sighed, scrubbed a hand over his face, then took another drink. He was jealous that Scott was out of the closet, that was it. He figured out his problem. Ilya chuckled to himself before taking yet another drink from the bottle. Ilya let his mind wander off to what it would be like to be openly in love with Shane. Ilya smiled as he imagined Shane being here, at a gay club full of their fellow NHL players, maybe dancing against him downstairs, maybe cuddled on the couch next to him in VIP, hell even lecturing him for drinking too much.
Next thing Ilya realized the bottle in his hand was dangerously close to empty and tears were beginning to slide down his face. Ilya curled into the corner of the couch with his face in his knees.
Breathe Ilya
Breathe Ilya
Breathe Ilya
He repeated the mantra in his head as he fought for control of his racing mind. Shane not being ready to come out had nothing to do with him, and he knew that. At least he knew that when he was sober and his mind was clear. In his current state he wasn't so sure.
"Rosanov?" Ilya couldn't bring himself to raise his head to look towards the voice. "Hey," it was definitely Scott's voice. The vodka bottle was pulled out of his hand before the couch beside him dipped. "Ilya?" Scott's voice was laced with concern and this time his name was accompanied by a hand on his shoulder. "I'm okay," Ilya said followed by a stuttered breath. "I was gonna go get some fresh air," Scott stated, "you want to come?"
Ilya nodded as he slowly got out of the ball he'd curled himself into. He swayed slightly when he stood but steadied himself quickly. "I'm alright," Ilya mumbled more to himself than anyone as he started walking. When Scott put a hand on his shoulder to guide him to the door Ilya didn't bother protesting, it wouldn't accomplish anything but making him look pathetic.
Once he was outside Ilya leaned against the wall and drew a lungfull of fresh air. "Do you wanna talk about it?" Scott asked as Ilya dug the pack of cigarettes out from his pocket. Both men stood in silence as Ilya lit one and took a long drag. Finally Ilya sighed and tipped his head back to rest against the wall, "I wish it was me." He finally mumbled as new tears began streaming down his cheeks.
"I'm sorry, you what?" Scott sounded dumbfounded. "You heard me Hunter don't make me say it again," Ilya said with a pointed glare to Scott. Scott huffed out a nervous sounding laugh, "I did hear you. I just need you to clarify on which part you wish were you." Ilya sighed and ran a hand through his hair in an attempt to calm his nerves before hitting his cigarette again, "winning the cup, winning MVP, getting to celebrate publicly with the love of my life, being out of the closet," he turned his heartbreaking stare back to Scott, "I wish all of it was me."
Scott nodded slowly as if taking time to process the information he'd just been given. "So tell me, Rozanov," he finally said, "why can't it be?" Ilya's stare returned to something in the distance as a sad smile slid over his lips. "I can't do that to Shane," he muttered, "he's just not ready yet."
As soon as the sentence was past Ilya's lips he realized what he had done. He froze, praying that Scott some how didn't catch what he had said. "Shane..... like, Hollander?" Scott questioned. Ilya felt the blood drain from his face and his stomach flip as soon as he realized how badly he had messed up. He turned rigidly back to face Scott, trying desperately to think of anything to say other than the truth. "I....." was all he could manage to force past his lips as he tried desperately to breathe. As his cigarette hit the ground Ilya realized he was shaking. This was bad.
"Woah," Scott said as he grabbed Ilya firmly by the shoulders, "take a breath Rosanov, you're okay. I'm not going to say anything to anyone." Ilya nodded but Scott's words didn't do anything to calm him down. "Come one Ilya I'm serious you gotta breathe buddy." Scott said sternly as he started running his hands up and down Ilya's arms. Ilya finally managed to gasp, followed by a gut wrenching sob. He braced his hands on his knees as he fought to stop himself from hyperventilating.
"Unlock your phone and give it to me," Scott said calmly as he moved to rub Ilya's back. Ilya followed the request on auto pilot. "What's his number saved under?" How was Scott this calm when clearly the world was falling apart around Ilya at that very moment? "He's gonna kill me," Ilya managed to croak out. "He might," Scott chuckled, "but you need to be alive first. What's his number saved under?"
"Jane," Ilya managed to force the code name out. Sure Shane might kill him, but he needed desperately to talk to him right now. Scott dialed the phone and balanced it between his ear and shoulder before guiding Ilya gently to a nearby bench and sitting him down. Ilya put his elbows on his knees and ran his hands into his hair as he prayed Shane would answer the call.
"Hey Shane," Ilya could've sworn his heart stopped when he heard Scott begin his conversation, "it's Scott.... Hunter. Um, I'm here with Rosanov. He's had a little too much to drink and he's really freaking out. I can't get him to calm down. He, um, he kind of let it slip about the two of you. I'm not going to tell anyone, just want to make that clear, but I really think he needs to talk to you right now." Scott paused, Shane must have been saying something but Ilya couldn't hear his end of the conversation. "I don't think he can hold the phone so I'm just going to put it on speaker here for him."
"Ilya?" Scott said as he crouched down in front of him holding the phone out, "Shane wants to talk to you." "Shane?" Ilya's voice cracked desperately as he said his name, followed by another sob. "Hey, Ilya, you're okay. I need you to breathe for me. Can you do that? Deep breath?" Shane took a deep breath and Ilya followed with a stuttered gasp. "Ok," Shane breathed out, "that's a start. You're okay. I'm not mad at you. I'm really worried right now but I'm not mad. Can you tell me what happened?"
Ilya took another breath before taking his phone off of Scott with a shaky hand. "I was jealous." He stated flatly, "I was watching Hunter celebrate with his boyfriend, surrounded by supportive teammates, and I just got mad that it couldn't be us. I know why it can't. But in the moment, I was so mad....." Ilya's sentence trailed off into sobs once again. Shane shushed him gently, "I know it's hard. I know. I want it to be us too. Maybe some day." Ilya nodded and wiped the tears from his cheeks, "some day." He whispered. "I'm not mad at you Ilya," Shane reiterated, "I promise. Okay?" Ilya nodded again, despite knowing Shane couldn't see him, "okay." He repeated.
"I'm gonna talk to Scott for a minute, okay?" Shane confirmed. Ilya nodded, looking at Scott expectantly. "I'm still here," Scott reminded Shane. "Can you take me off speaker?" Shane requested. Scott took the phone out of Ilya's hand gently before taking it off of speaker and pressing it to his ear once more. Ilya pulled out another cigarette and lit it while Scott listened to whatever Shane was saying.
"Yeah," Scott finally agreed, "it's no problem, really. I'll take care of him." Another pause as Shane must have been talking again, "yeah I'll let you know. Talk to you later." Scott hung up the phone and pulled out his own from his pocket, "Shane wants me to get his number from your phone, and keep an eye on you for him, and keep him updated." Ilya chuckled coldly, "I'm not a child." "No," Scott laughed in return, "you're not. But you are someone who has a person that really cares about them and wants to keep them safe." Ilya sighed as he stood so he was face to face with Scott, fixing him with the most intimidating look he could manage, "I don't like that you are making good point."
Scott chuckled warmly as he wrapped an arm around Ilya's shoulders and began guiding him back to the door. "Kip and I have a penthouse suite, you can crash on the couch. Don't try to argue. Shane would kill me if I let your drunk ass go to your hotel alone right now." Ilya nodded silently as he walked beside Scott. "Let's go find Kip and get out of here while you can still walk."
Ilya followed Scott in a dazed silence through the crowded dance floor and back up the stairs to VIP. Kip brushed past Scott and wrapped Ilya in a strong hug, "Scott might not be much of a hugger but I am and you look like you need this." Ilya couldn't help but to drop his face onto Kip's shoulder and let himself relax into the hug. "We ready to go?" Scott asked as he smiled warmly at Kip. "One more drink," Ilya attempted to protest as he straightened up from Kip's embrace. "Do you want Shane to kill me?" Scott laughed. "A risk I am willing to take," Ilya responded with his signature smirk before turning to head back out of the club.
"So our Hotel is right around the corner," Kip explained as the three men stepped back into the cool night air, "I don't know what you like to eat, but they gave us some pretty nice complimentary snacks. I know I always need a snack when I'm drunk." Ilya nodded silently as he tried to let Kip's rambling ground him from spiraling again. He didn't think he could possibly cry more even if he wanted to.
Before long Ilya was following Scott and Kip through the door of a beautiful penthouse suite. He froze as the door shut behind him, the reality of the whole night finally setting in. Ilya felt his heart start to race and his head start to spin as his anxiety spiked once more. "Hey," the comforting voice was accompanied by hands grabbing Ilya's own gently. As Ilya was drug back to reality he found Kip in front of him. "There you go," he smiled as he started guiding Ilya to the small dining room table. As Ilya and Kip sat down Scott set a bottle of water in front of each of them before grabbing a basket of candies off the counter and placing it on the table and finally taking a seat.
Kip gasped excitedly before pulling a bag of skittle's from the basket. "Please help yourself," he said as he opened his candy. Ilya eyed the basket for a moment before grabbing himself a Reese's. "Drink your water. Both of you." Scott said sternly. Ilya nodded and picked up his bottle of water. He had been concerned his shaking hands wouldn't be able to get the lid off but his concerns were alleviated when he found the bottle already had the lid removed.
Ilya popped a Reese's cup into his mouth and sighed. "You doing alright Ilya?" Kip asked as he put a hand on his arm. "I'm fine," Ilya said as he forced a small smile, "really. This is not needed." "Don't worry about it man," Scott interrupted, "we've all been there a time or two." "Oh you've slept with your biggest rival since your rookie season then got drunk and outed both of you to a player from another team?" Ilya said dryly as he met Scott's eyes.
The tension was broken by Kip letting out a genuine laugh. "I'm sorry," Kip said as Ilya turned to face him, "it's absolutely not funny. That is insane though." He broke off into more laughter. Ilya couldn't help but to laugh as well. "No shit." He said through a laugh. "So who's the rival player?" Kip asked innocently before turning to look at Scott, "is he anyone I've met before?" Ilya looked at Scott questioningly. "I told you I wasn't going to tell anyone Rosanov. That wasn't bullshit." "All he told me was that you were too drunk, having a panic attack, and coming to stay with us because he didn't think you should go to the hotel alone." Kip confirmed.
Ilya nodded before asking Kip, "have you met Hollander?" "I don't believe so," Kip said after thinking for a moment, "I know who he is but I don't think we've actually met. He's cute though. Good for you." Kip clapped Ilya on the shoulder with a wide smile. Ilya couldn't help the bashful grin, "he is." "Tell me all about it!" Kip said excitedly, "I want to know everything and you clearly need to tell someone." Ilya looked sideways at Hunter but Kip interrupted before he could voice any concerns, "don't worry about him. He's going to hear the gossip whether he wants to or not so he can hear it from you now or me later." Ilya chuckled at Kip's eagerness.
"There's not much to tell I suppose," Ilya started nervously, "we started hooking up right before our rookie season. We meet up whenever we're in each other's towns. I told myself every time would be the last time but I could never actually end it. He invited me to come spend two weeks at his cabin with him this summer after the game where he got injured. He was high as a kite. I really wasn't going to but after you guys did what you did I felt like I had to try. And that brings us to now."
"Wow," Kip and Scott said nearly in unison. "And you've never been able to tell anyone any of this before?" Kip confirmed. "Correct," Ilya agreed with a nod. "I don't know how you did it Rozanov," Scott said, "I think I would've lost my mind years ago." "Ah maybe I did," Ilya joked, "you didn't know me before I was hooking up with Hollander. I could've been normal before. You'll never know." "I guess not," Scott said with a grin, "but one thing's for sure. Holland's insane for putting up with you." Ilya laughed, "yes. I suppose you could say that."