Work Text:
Ilya heard Shane’s phone buzz with a text message and felt Shane reach through the mess of sheets, tangled up from their morning activities, to find it.
“Ilya, get up…”
“No.”
“Ilya, I have the tech intern from the team coming over this morning. He just texted that he will be here in thirty minutes.”
“But why…?” Ilya let out a long whine into his pillow.
“Get up.”, Shane headed to the bathroom and started the shower.
***
About thirty minutes later, Ilya was still in bed but heard Shane open the front door and some chatter. He decided he better go down, but first he got a quick shower and threw on his old gray sweats and a t-shirt. As he wandered down to the kitchen, he passed Shane and the intern huddled over Shane’s desktop computer in the spare bedroom and stopped.
“Up here?”, Ilya quizzed.
“No, we’re just installing something here and will be back down in the kitchen in a sec.”, replied Shane.
Ilya shrugged and moved on.
In the kitchen he let Anya out the back door to play and was just making himself a bowl of cereal. Shane had, thankfully, already started the coffee.
Shane and the intern came back into the kitchen. Ilya thought he looked familiar from work, but he didn’t think they had ever talked. The intern was a handsome young guy, Asian, glasses, great hair, every bit a twink. Not really Ilya’s type aside from the glasses, but he was cute.
Shane and the intern sat down at the kitchen island, and Shane introduced him.
“Ilya, this is Chen. He’s an I.T. intern for the team and I am paying him on the side to build me an app.”
“Nice to meet you, Chen.” Ilya said as he approached with his bowl of cereal.
Chen gulped.
“Ah, got ya.” Ilya thought as he caught the intern scanning his body and stopping at the gray sweatpants before blushing. Ilya’s gaydar was not to be trifled with, but this one wasn’t even a challenge. Ilya had BDE and he knew it. He smiled a satisfied smile at Chen before turning to Shane.
“Hollander,” Ilya said between spoonfuls of cereal, “Why do you need an app? Is it an app to rate boringness of things?”
Shane rolled his eyes.
“No, and behave and don’t scare the intern. Chen has built me an app to track my meals, exercise, and if I have an injury.”
“Aren’t there apps for that?”
“Of course there are, but I don’t want my information leaked. It’s too easy to get an account hijacked.”
Chen jumped in. “That’s right Mr. Hollander.”
“Again, Shane, please.”
“Well, Mr. Shane… that's why it's only on your desktop. You will only be able to look at the data if you are here at home. You can make entries from your phone but it won’t update here until your phone connects to the network. And every time it makes those updates, it erases the data from your phone so even if someone steals it, they can’t see the health data. I guess you could look at it from a browser on your phone or iPad without going to the desktop, but it will only work if you’re in the house.”
Ilya was still wandering around the kitchen with his bowl of cereal. He knew what he was doing.
Chen stammered a bit, eyes going back to the gray sweatpants.
Shane brought him back. “So how do I make entries?”
“Well,” started Chen, “you can use Siri and just tell Siri to make an entry in your health journal. Like this…”
Chen raised his voice slightly, “Hey Siri, enter in my health journal that I had a cup of cereal and milk this morning.” Chen’s eyes went back to Ilya.
“Who is speaking?” replied Siri.
“Shane”, Shane jumped in.
“I’m sorry, I don’t recognize your voice.”, replied Siri.
“You get the idea,” said Chen, “Give it a try yourself.”
Shane added cereal and milk for his breakfast and Siri was satisfied with the voice this time.
“I’ll show you how to delete that later.” Chen continued. “But if you don’t want to use Siri because you’re out in public or she’s giving you problems, just tap the Health Journal app on your phone and you can make your entries there. You are the only one who has this app. It’s not in the App store. There will be a little red or green circle in the upper corner that tells you if the data is synced to your desktop or not. Red means there is still data to sync.”
Shane made a real entry for his breakfast in the app.
Ilya sat down at the kitchen island, finally his lower half was no longer visible, letting Chen concentrate better.
“Can you make sure there is an entry for bird food?” Ilya chirped.
Chen looked confused.
“Shut up.”, said Shane who then explained. “Ilya doesn’t like what I eat during the season.”
Finally able to concentrate again, Chen finished explaining the app to Shane.
“You swipe to get to the three pages. There’s the page for food, then swipe left for the page for exercise, and left again is the page for weight and injury tracking.”
Shane fiddled with the app a bit and asked some questions about it while Ilya just watched with his coffee.
They finished up and Shane started showing Chen out.
“Nice to meet you, Chen.” Ilya said in a tone that was on a very thin line between flirting and mocking.
Shane glared at Ilya while Chen blushed.
After Shane got Chen out the door and returned to the kitchen he said to Ilya, “You’re going to give that kid a heart attack. Why didn’t you put on underwear?”
“What, you think he’s gay?”, Ilya said with mock surprise.
“Yeah, I could tell.”
“Since when do you have gaydar, Shane?”
“After seeing his reaction to you, I think even Hayden’s gaydar could pick up that one.”
Ilya had to laugh at that one. It’s not often that Shane will chirp his own friends.
***
For the rest of the week Shane dutifully logged every meal, exercise, weigh-in, and even minor injuries like bruises from games or sore feet from skates.
"Hey Siri, enter in my health journal… I had 150 grams of salmon and 150 grams of white rice.", Shane said on the 5th day.
Ilya had enough of this app. “Oh my god! Siri is going to quit her job and go work in library. So much less boring than listening to your food. What is the point?”
“The point is to look for patterns and see if they correlate to my performance.”
“What is this word corr.. Correlate?”
“Match up. Like if I eat bad, do I perform bad. If I eat good, do I perform good. But if I have an injury matters too. So if I eat good but perform bad, maybe it is because of an injury.”
“Here, come with me,” Shane got up to head to the spare bedroom. “Maybe you’ll want to use the app too.”
“I do not need such app. I eat cereal, donuts, and Coca Cola and I always perform amazing. I am number 1 player.”, but Ilya let Shane lead him to the computer anyway.
Shane showed Ilya the charts and graphs of Shane's week. There were pie charts showing how much of each type of exercise he did during the week. Graphs of protein versus carbs. A weight tracker that was essentially a flat line. Shane was way too excited about being able to click the pie wedge for yoga and see his yoga sessions and their length.
Ilya was unimpressed. "So what? You did yoga four times this week. You know you did yoga four times this week. I know you did yoga four times this week just like every other week. Anya knows you did yoga four times this week. You do not need app for this."
"It's data, Ilya. It helps you decide things."
"Okay.", said Ilya as he gave Shane a somewhat patronizing kiss on his head.
***
Ilya knew he had BDE. Ilya knew he also had BDJE…. Big Dumb Jock Energy. The problem for everyone around him was that the D in that second acronym wasn’t true. Ilya wasn’t dumb at all.
Ilya heard Shane in the other room tell Siri about another boring breakfast he just ate and then heard Shane grab his keys.
“Hey, I’m heading out. I’ll text you after mom and I are done meeting with the Reebok reps. Maybe we can grab a late lunch?”
“Sure, and then we can tell Siri again about your boring food.”
Shane rolled his eyes. “But you will come?”
“Yes I will come to see Mama Yuna. Not to hear you tell Siri what you ate.”
“Mom will appreciate that, I’m sure. You always make such great sacrifices for her.” Shane retorted sarcastically.
“Bye, love you.”
“Love you too.”
Ilya sat on the couch pondering with Anya’s head on his lap. He got up and grabbed his laptop to the protest of Anya.
Ilya found Shane's site in about thirty seconds. Shane’s new website may not be visible outside of the house, but it just got its first Russian hacker. “Hacker” was probably too strong a word. The site wasn’t even password protected, all he needed was the IP and /healthjournal at the end to find it.
He added "dick" to Shane's morning meal log. It wasn't untrue.
He expected to be caught quickly and get his laugh.
Ilya waited.
***
A few days went by and Ilya heard nothing from Shane about that one morning meal. Ilya was an attention whore when it came to Shane. Getting no reaction at all from Shane was an insult.
Ilya heard Shane log another meal.
"You log stuff but you forget your website?" Ilya asked, sounding almost annoyed.
"I need a few months of data built up before it will tell me anything useful."
"Okay."
***
Ilya couldn’t help himself now. He started logging their sex sessions under Shane's exercise tracker and filed one injury entry when Shane was too sore to bottom for a few days.
This went on for two months. Ilya knew he’d get his reaction eventually.
Then, on a quiet Saturday morning, Shane's voice carried across the entire house. Ilya was sure Yuna and David could hear it at theirs.
"Ilyaaaaaa!"
"What?"
"WHY DOES MY APP SAY I'VE BOTTOMED 27 TIMES IN THE LAST MONTH AND HAVE AN ANAL INJURY?!?"
"Well would have been thirty times, but you had injury. Is correlation. But I can tell you this! You do not need app for this.”
"ILYA!!!!!"
“App also says you need to eat more dick. I can tell you this too! Don’t worry my love, I logged your dick meal from this morning for you. You’re welcome."
"OH MY GOD, ILYA!!!!!"
"What? Did it help you decide?"
Ilya wasn’t annoyed anymore.