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Ilya walked into the kitchen to find his husband bent over with his head stuck in the refrigerator. Seeing his husband bent over like that was not an unwelcome sight, but he was curious what Shane was doing. Shane emerged with a handful of old salmon packages, cheese, and containers of rice, promptly dumping them into the garbage can next to him.
“What are you doing?” Ilya said, noting the tossed salmon.
Shane shrugged. "We're going be away for a month, none of this is gonna be good by the time we come back. I don't want the fridge to stink."
“Okay,” said Ilya as he snuck an arm around his husband's waist. “Not now, we’ve got to get on the road, it’s a 6 hour drive. Are you all packed?”
“So boring. Yes, I packed. I get you ginger ale, yes? For the road?”
“We’re out, I didn’t get groceries since we’re not going to be here, I’ll just get something when we stop. My bags are packed, can you pack the car? I’m going to get a shower before we go, this fridge is gross.”
Ilya raised his eyebrows with a growing grin. “No! Now go pack the car.” Ilya faked a pout, but padded off to the bedroom to get the bags.
Shane’s phone started buzzing with a FaceTime call. It was Yuna calling to check in. He rolled his eyes and sighed. “Hey mom!” he answered, a little too brightly.
“Hey hon, you don’t look like you’re on your way, is everything okay?”
“Yes mom, I’m just cleaning out the fridge of anything that will spoil while we’re gone. Ilya is packing up the car now. I’m going to shower and then we’ll leave.”
“Do you have the address? Make sure you download the maps first, the signal is bad sometimes along the trip.”
“Yes mom,” Shane sighed, “I planned the whole trip. I’ll have Ilya text you an ETA once we are rolling.”
“Okay, love you boys. We can’t wait to see you! You’re going to love the new place! You’ll have the whole guest area to yourselves!”
“Love you too mom, see you soon”
Shane hung up, pulled the trash bag out of the can and set it by the door hoping Ilya would get the hint, and padded off to shower away the smell of expired salmon.
***
Shane had to admit it. Ilya was right. This drive was boring. Long stretches of nothing but wilderness dotted by tiny towns with funny names.
The first time Shane saw it in the rearview mirror, he figured the puff of smoke was just dust kicked up by the car, but there it was again. And again. He looked at the gauges and everything looked normal. He glanced over at his sleeping husband and again in the mirror. More smoke. Shane didn’t know about cars, but he knew something was up.
Shane grabbed his husband’s leg and squeezed gently. Ilya startled awake, “Yes!? We there?”
“Hey, no. I think something is wrong with the car.”
Ilya rolled his eyes, “Such a boring car”
“No, look out back”
Ilya crooked his neck to look behind him. There was no denying the growing plume of smoke trailing them now.
“Yes. Something is wrong.” Ilya added unhelpfully.
“I know that, but what are we going to do? I haven’t seen anything for miles and I don’t have signal on my phone!” Shane said, getting more exasperated.
“How long since last town?”
“I don’t know, fifteen maybe twenty minutes?”
“No warning lights? Keep driving. Next town ahead is closer than one behind.”
“How do you know that?”
“Seems logical, plus I saw sign”
Shane looked doubtful, but the car’s gauges looked normal, so he followed his husband’s suggestion.
Another ten minutes later, and things weren’t normal anymore. The temp gauge on the Land Rover’s dashboard was climbing and the plume of smoke behind them was a full-on smoke screen now.
Shane’s grip on the wheel was tightening, but Ilya spoke up. “Look! See! There is next town. Almost there. We stop.”
They rolled into what looked to be the central part of whatever town this was, but even though it was the middle of the day, there was no one about. Steam or smoke or whatever it was – Shane didn’t know – was billowing from the front of the car. They both got out to look. Something was also clearly dripping heavily on the pavement below.
Shane cursed and looked at his phone, one bar. He called Yuna.
“Hey mom, we’ve had a breakdown….. No, I don’t know where we are. Some town, something Creek, I think the sign was broken. I don’t think I saw the name right as we were driving in… no, we’re fine. We’ll see if we can find some help. We won’t be making it for dinner at this rate, so don’t wait for us. Okay mom…. Yes…. yes Ilya is fine too. Yes, we’ll call you with updates. Bye mom… yep.. Gotta go.. Love you too.” and Shane hung up before she could get another question in.
“Stupid boring car is somehow even more boring now.”
Shane just glared. “Okay, well we need to see if we can find help locally. We’re so far from anything else it will take forever to get help. I saw a business center a block back, I’m going to go check there. You see if there is anyone in that store over there that can maybe get us help.”
***
Ilya stepped into the store with a little tinkle of the bell over the door. The place seemed empty with just some soft jazz playing and the smell of something aggressively botanical.
There were hand lotions, wooly scarves (in summer no less), vintage records, fresh tomatoes, and toilet plungers, all at the front of the store… seemed very general, but oddly specific. It looked very out of place for the small town they were in.
Suddenly a tall, handsome man burst through the curtain behind the counter, looking flushed. He was not at all what Ilya would have expected in a place like this, but he recognized the style. The man wore something that looked like a leather jacket got into a fight with an oversized sweater, and both lost. Ilya was sure whatever it was would be better for a Romanian dance club in winter, not wherever this was in summer.
“Hi! Uh, can I help you find something?”
The man’s eyes darted around the store, never quite landing on Ilya and Ilya could see a bit of a blush when their eyes did meet. He knew this look. He put on his best smile.
“Hello, our car broke down here in town. You know where we can get mechanic?”
“Oh! I’m so sorry to hear that. Uh, well, there is Bob, but I’m not sure you want to go that way.”
“Why? Bob is mechanic, yes?”
“Well, apparently, that’s what his sign says. But I’ve never been sure.”
“You can take me to him?”
“Oh, he won’t be there now. He’s probably trying to break into his own house. Gwen has guests over this week.”
Ilya just stared. The man stared back.
“Well, I’m David.” said the man as he startled back to reality, “You can wait here a bit. I’ll text some people to see if I can find him.”
Ilya wandered past the toilet plungers, around the outer perimeter of the store, looking at the soaps, a bowl of crystals, honey, and what looked like a vase full of twigs, though apparently only the twigs were for sale.
Coming around to the counter, Ilya spotted the cooler with various drinks in it. One of them was ginger ale. “You have soda? Canada Dry?”
“No, um we don’t carry Canada Dry here.” David looked offended. “We have Herb’s Ginger Ale, it’s made by a local winery.”
“No, he won’t drink that. I need Canada Dry.”
“He? Who is he?” David said more slowly and with more frustration. Maybe this Russian didn’t understand English. “We don’t carry Canada Dry here. This is a store for local artisans.”
Ilya stared back, “Are toilet plungers made by local artisans?”
David’s face froze in disgust. The toilet plungers were not correct.
His phone dinged with a text message.
“Okay! Well, Bob is on his way back to his shop. So I can tell you where to go meet him!”
“Okay.” Ilya glanced at the cooler once more, but decided against it. Shane liked his Canada Dry.
***
Shane walked up to the business center that was clearly once a house. The sign read “Ray’s Business Solutions, Photography, and Closet Organization”.
“What an odd place”
As he approached, another man backed out the door calling “Thanks Ray!” and nearly ran into Shane.
“Whoa there! Sorry! I didn’t see you there…. Wait” The man blinked. “Wait. You’re Shane Hollander!”
Shane relaxed a bit at being recognized. He didn’t like it normally, but if it helped him out of this situation, he’d use it.
“Yeah, yeah I am.”
“I’m Patrick Brewer. I’ve been a fan for a long time. I played hockey too, back in high school. Obviously, I never got as far as you did.”
It was working.
“Well thanks” Shane said a bit shyly. “Hey, listen, my car broke down over there and I have almost no cell service. Do you know where I can get a mechanic?”
“Sure! I’ll text Bob, he’s probably trying to get back into his house since Gwen has guests over this week, but I’ll walk you over!”
Shane looked confused but set off following Patrick to Bob’s shop.
“So what brought you to Schitt’s Creek?”
“That’s the name of this place? I thought the sign was broken.”
“Yeah, that’s really the name.”
“Well, nothing brought me here. I’m on my way to my parent’s new cottage for a month and broke down here.”
The two men approached Bob’s just as Bob was walking up, looking confused.
“So, uh, here’s Bob.” Patrick said, “I have to get back to my store, but can I get an autograph?”
“Yeah, uh, what do you want me to sign?”
Patrick took a white leather bound portfolio with the words Rose Apothecary in silver lettering and a sharpie from his bag.
“You said it was Patrick right?”
Patrick nodded.
Shane scrawled out “To Patrick, from Shane Hollander - Thanks for the Help!” and handed it back to a beaming Patrick.
“Hey, if you need any other help, my store is right over there.” Patrick pointed and walked off, almost skipping.
Shane turned to Bob.
“What can I do ya for son!?”
***
Patrick walked back into the Apothecary greeted by an annoyed looking David Rose.
“Well that took forever. I thought I was going to be closing the store myself”
“David! You’ll never guess what just happened! I met Shane Hollander!”
“Who?”
“Shane Hollander! He’s one of the best hockey players out there! I’ve admired him for a long time! He’s gay too!”
“You wish he was gay you mean.”
“No really, he came out a couple years ago! Or was outed. Turns out he was dating his biggest rival the whole time!”
Patrick pulled out the white portfolio.
“I even got his autograph!”
David took the portfolio and saw sharpie written on it.
“You let him write on my custom leather portfolio?!” David sounded out the autograph slowly “To Patrick, from Shane Hollander - Thanks for the help!”
“And what did you help him with, Patrick?!”
“David, I just helped the guy with something, that’s all” Patrick smirked at David’s ploy at jealousy.
“Well, while you were out doing … whatever… we were so busy” David gestured at the empty store. “This annoying but hot Russian guy was in here asking for directions to Bob’s and badgering me for Canada Dry”
“Wait! A Russian guy was in here? Tall? Blond?”
“Yeah?”
“That’s him!”
“Who is him?!?”
“The Russian! That’s Shane Hollander’s husband! Were you nice to him David?”
“He hardly spoke!”
“David…?”
“I sent him to Bob’s! I don’t know if that counts as nice!”
***
The door bell tinkled again and David’s sister Alexis floated into the store.
“Well guys, what’s going on? Patrick, you look like you met Santa Claus for real!”
“You’ll never guess what happened! There’s two gay hockey players in town!”
“Shut up! Scott Hunter is here!?”
David rolled his eyes. He may not know sports ball, but he knew Scott Hunter. “Okay, we don’t talk about Scott Hunter here. That was a long time ago.”
“No! Wait! How do you know who Scott Hunter is?” Patrick wasn’t sure who to direct this question to more.
Alexis slapped the counter, “No way! Ilya Rozanov is here!?”
Patrick was getting more confused. How did Alexis, who can’t even ride a bike, know who two famous hockey players are?
“.... how do you know Ilya Rozanov?”
David chimed in and leaned on the counter in mock admiration, “Yeah Alexis how do you know this Ilya person?”
“Okay, so one time I was in Moscow, I was at this very exclusive gala for like orphans or dolphins, or something that ended with “fins”? And I may have accidentally insulted a diplomat's wife about her shoes. And things escalated very quickly. Like, security got involved? And this girl Svetlana who I'd only met like an hour before and this giant guy just grabbed my arm and was like 'come with me now' and they snuck me out through the kitchen and put me in a car. They literally stood in front of the door and wouldn't let the security guys through. She was amazing. Anyway, she talked about Ilya all the time after that, I thought they were married. But then I saw online that he came out? So I guess they weren't together like that. I always wondered what happened with them."
"So you were rescued from a diplomatic incident by Ilya Rozanov?"
"Mostly Svetlana, but yeah Ilya was there too. It wasn't a diplomatic incident, Patrick. It was a shoe disagreement. Svetlana agreed with me about the shoes by the way."
“Well, anyway, he must be here because I got an autograph from his husband.” Patrick said, taking back the portfolio from David. “David sent him to Bob’s.”
“What?! Ew David no! Why?”
“He said his car broke down!” David said, flustered. “And he kept badgering me about Canada Dry”.
Alexis and Patrick shared a look.
“Well, we better go try and stop the damage.” Patrick headed for the door. Alexis flounced behind him.
“But what about the store!” David yelled.
“It’s almost closing time, close up shop David” Patrick said as he marched out.
David let out a long, exasperated sigh and shut off the lights.
***
Bob came back into the waiting room of the garage wiping his hands, looking grim.
“Well, I got your car pulled into the garage and took a look. Do you want the bad news or the bad news?”
“Uh, I guess just all of it?” Shane stammered.
“Well first your thermostat housing is cracked clean open. Coolant everywhere in there. I’ll probably have to hose it down good when I’m done”
“Okay, so what's the… other bad news?”
“Well that is a Land Rover, we don’t have Land Rovers around here. It will be a day or two till I can get the parts here. The closest Land Rover dealer is three hours away.”
Shane sat down, starting to panic. Ilya appeared by his side in an instant.
“Ilya, what are we going to do for two days? There’s nothing here.”
Ilya rubbed Shane’s back. “It is okay. We have so much time. We are together.”
Ilya looked up at Bob, “You have rental cars near here?”
“I have rental cars, but you can only take them as far as Barnsdale. There's another rental car place in Barnsdale though.”
“How far can you take the cars from Barnsdale?”
“Oh, I’d say about back to here or so.”
Shane dropped his head into his hands.
****
Shane and Ilya exited the garage to find three people hurrying toward them. Shane recognized Patrick from earlier, but the woman was waving at them and doing some sort of happy dance. The guy in the back wearing the leather sweater thing didn’t look happy to be here at all.
“Ilya!” Alexis sang at them! “It’s me! Alexis Rose!”
Shane glanced sideways at Ilya and mouthed “What?”
Ilya just let out a resigned sigh while Alexis skipped up and planted a giant kiss on his cheek.
This earned Alexis an angry glare from Shane, which she caught.
“Oh don’t get upset. I know he’s yours. He helped Svetlana save me in Moscow a while back. Got me out of a lot of trouble.”
Ilya's face showed he remembered the situation. “I saved you” he corrected.
“I’m pretty sure it was Svetlana, you were just the muscle.”
Patrick made his way over to Ilya and shook his hand. “Hi, I’m Patrick Brewer. I met Shane earlier and got him here to Bob’s. Big fan! So exciting to meet the two best hockey players in major league hockey!”
Ilya eyed him, “Ah but which one is first best and which one second best? Eh?”
“I uh… Hey Shane, what did Bob say about the car?”
Shane stared blankly ahead and said “Bob said something about a thermostat being cracked and coolant. I think I got that right. The part is a few days away. Not sure what we’re going to do.”
“Well!” said Alexis “you can stay with us!” which raised everyone's eyebrows but hers. “I mean not with with us. With us at the motel. That’s where we live”
“David, call dad and see if you can get them a room”
“So guys. I totally wish I could stay, but I have this water tower climbing thing to do tonight, but if you’re going to be here a few days we should totally catch up!” Alexis said before planting another kiss on Ilya’s cheek and earning another glare from Shane. “Hope to see you and tell Svetlana I said hi!”
After Alexis left, Patrick backed himself towards the garage shop door and muttered something about making sure Bob was okay.
Now, David was left in silence with Shane and Ilya.
David said. “How ‘bout…. How ‘bout you see if you can get your bags from Bob and I’ll call my dad about the room.”
Shane and Ilya just looked at each other wordlessly and headed back into the shop.
David called the front desk of the motel and got his dad.
“Dad, hey, uh, there’s two gay hockey players here and their car broke down and they need a room. It’s a big deal to Patrick so don’t make it weird for them please.”
“Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov are here? In Schitt’s Creek?”
“Yes! What? Why? Why do you know who they are?”
“Well it couldn’t be Scott Hunter, his husband doesn’t play hockey.”
“What? How do you know this? And we do NOT talk about Scott Hunter! Anyway, they are on their way. I have to get back to the store to close up properly. DON’T make it weird!”
***
Shane and Ilya pushed through the lobby door of the Rosebud Motel awkwardly with bags far too big for a couple nights’ stay.
Behind the counter was an older gentleman with giant eyebrows and a bronze nametag saying “Johnny”
“Hey! You must be Ilya and Shane! Excited to meet you! David told me you were coming! Are you friends of David’s?”
Shane leaned over to Ilya and whispered “Which one is David?”
Ilya whispered back “The one who looks like him.”
Shane moved forward and said “Uh, yea, that’s us. How did you know who we are?”
“Oh! I follow hockey and you guys are the most famous gay couple in sports! Or is it the only gay couple together in sports and in life?”
Shane shifted uncomfortably “Yep, that’s us. Anyway, David said you could get us a room?”
“Oh certainly! I have one room at the end for you. Unfortunately, it’s two twin beds, but I’m sure you boys won’t have any trouble pushing them together for the night.” Johnny winked.
Shane blushed, but Ilya let out an audible laugh.
“So one night or two? I’ll need to know to run the card, but if you check out before 11 tomorrow, you’ll get the second night refunded”
“Uh two I guess” Shane said as he handed over the card.
While he ran the card, Johnny looked up, “Shane, how’s your dad doing these days?”
“M.. My dad?”
“Yeah, he still works for the Finance Ministry I saw. Back when I was running Rose Video I knew him. After Rose Video went under, we’re not allowed to speak anymore.. You know.. for legal reasons.”
“He’s good I guess. We were actually on our way to visit my parents for a month at their new place.”
“Oh! That’s wonderful. I hope you all have a great time once you get there. Tell him Johnny Rose said hello!”
Johnny handed over the keys and the credit card and the guys dragged their bags out of the lobby.
“Can this town get any weirder?” Shane whispered to Ilya.
“I don’t know. Is not boring.” replied Ilya.
***
Shane and Ilya got to their room at the very end of the hotel and after a short fight with the lock, managed to get inside.
“Are we in a horror movie? Please tell me this is a movie set.”
Shane dropped one of the bags he was carrying.
Ilya grabbed the dropped bag along with his own and dragged them into the room.
“Is fine. We are here. We are together. We make best of it.” Ilya said with determination.
Shane wandered into the bathroom. “Ilya, there are no towels!”
“Shane, you just sit. I will handle bags. I will handle towels.”
“But we were supposed to be at my parents’ tonight” Shane rubbed his face. Shane had been managing the stress fairly well so far, but now Ilya could see the cracks forming.
Ilya pulled Shane over to the bed and sat down with him. “It is not the best, no. But it is good. People here know us, no one cares we are gay. They all are very nice, very helpful. They do much more than needed to make sure we are okay. You are with me, you are okay. Even with them, I think we are okay. Is all okay. Tomorrow or next day we will see your parents and will be better. But today? Today is okay.”
Ilya rubbed Shane’s arm and got a small smile from him which he rewarded with a kiss.
“I will call for towels, okay?”
Ilya got up and dialed the front desk, but there was no answer. Is okay, he will call again later. Ilya got back to the bags.
About ten minutes later there was a knock at the door.
Ilya answered the door to find David standing there with a basket.
“Hey, it’s me. I just wanted to say... I didn’t know who you guys were and why my sister and Patrick and my dad were making such a fuss. Anyway, I brought you some things from the store.”
“Oh, I thought you were towels.”
“Towels? Oh good luck with that one!”
David sat down a basket with four bottles of Herb’s Ginger Ale, Body Milk, and some lip balms.
“I heard you like ginger ale Shane, so I brought you some.”
Shane jumped up and grabbed a bottle, but trying a swig, he couldn’t hide the disgust on his face.
Ilya just watched. “Is not Canada Dry, no?”
“Thank you David” Shane gasped out with attempted politeness.
“Yeah, I guess that’s why it doesn’t sell.” David admitted.
Ilya walked over and grabbed a bottle of body milk and cracked it open.
Just before he got it to his lips David yelled “It’s not to drink! It’s milk… for your body!” waving his hands over his own body.
Ilya just stared again. “Yes, like protein shake” as he raised it back to his lips. Shane grabbed his arm and lightly shook his head no.
Something about it caused a smile to form on David’s otherwise permanently anxious looking face.
Ilya put the cap back on the bottle and set it down.
David headed for the door, “Well, I’ll leave you two to it”, but Shane stopped him.
“I don’t remember when I ate last, where can we get some food?”
“Oh well the only place here is the Cafe Tropical. If you don’t remember when you ate last, you will certainly remember where you eat next.” David said with some absurdly raised eyebrows.
Ilya turned to Shane.
“We will go, but first I call for towels.”
***
Shane and Ilya walked into the Cafe Tropical not knowing what to expect.
“Is this whole town a horror movie set?” Shane asked Ilya.
“Is not boring at least,” Ilya shrugged.
Whatever they were expecting, a 1960s Havana theme diner in the middle of rural Canada wasn’t it.
Ilya spotted a big empty corner booth in the back of the restaurant and guided Shane to slide in first. Ilya slid next to him so they both faced out.
Shane gave Ilya a look and Ilya said “What? Haven’t you noticed? No one here cares. Plus, we are married. It was in newspapers”.
A bubbly waitress stopped by and dropped off enormous tri-fold menus. “Can I get you boys something to drink while you look over the menu?”
“I’ll have a ginger ale,” Shane said with hope.
The waitress crooked her mouth. “Sorry, our soda machine is down. I can get you a ginger tea?”
Shane started to protest but Ilya put his hand on Shane’s arm to silence him. “Ginger tea is good and we will both have water with ice.”
Shane scanned the menu looking for salmon and brown rice, or anything not deep fried or smothered in gravy.
Patrick wandered up to the table, “Hi guys! How are you settling in at the motel?”
Ilya was pretty sure that Patrick had been looking for them, “Is good.”
“Well, I’m not sure I would go as far as good, but it’s a place to sleep tonight, right? Hey, do you mind if I join you?”
Patrick slid in opposite Shane before getting an answer. Shane was still hunting for salmon. “If you need any recommendations on the menu, maybe I can help.”
Shane absent-mindedly said “Grilled salmon and brown rice”
Patrick winced a bit, “You won’t find salmon there, but I’m sure you can have brown rice if you ask them to overcook the white rice”.
David wandered up and sat down, also without being asked. “There you are! I had to close up the store on my own! Where were you?”
“I stopped by Bob’s to check on their situation" he nodded at the hockey duo.
“Any luck?” Shane perked up from his scouring of the menu to ask.
“Not yet, but I’m working on it.”
The waitress came back with the ginger tea and waters, plus two more for David and Patrick without asking.
“Does everyone know what they want?”
Shane asked “Do you have grilled salmon and brown rice?”
“No salmon, but we have halibut.”
“Is it grilled?”
“I’m sure we could scrape the batter off and grill it for you”
“Uh no, just cook it like you normally would and can I have a veggie?”
“Sure! We have roasted potatoes as our veggie tonight”
Shane groaned, Ilya’s hand went back on his arm.
“I will have pasta and meatballs.” Ilya smiled at the waitress.
Patrick and David ordered their food. Somehow, they knew the entire menu without looking.
“Those will be right up,” the waitress cheerfully said as she took the giant menus.
Patrick fidgeted a bit. “So guys, I just want to say how much I admire how brave you both are… being out that is. I played hockey in high school and it would have helped me so much seeing you guys at that age. I ended up not coming out till my 30s.”
“But, we didn’t come out until our 30s either. And it was hard, very hard, being in the closet but together for as long as we were.” Shane said quietly.
Ilya added “I could not be out as teen in Russia. No one can be out. Is too dangerous.”
This time, Shane put his hand on Ilya’s arm and the table went silent.
“Well, I’m glad you didn’t come out back then.” David quipped, looking at Shane.
Shane looked at David. “Why?”
“Because if you had been out of the closet when Patrick was playing hockey in high school, he wouldn’t have been able to discover himself… with me”
Patrick couldn’t help but laugh and Shane and Ilya shared a glance and a smile.
The waitress arrived with their food. Adequate looking spaghetti and meatballs for Ilya, the fried cheese platter for David, a cheeseburger and fries for Patrick, a deep-fried filet of halibut, though someone had clearly scraped the batter off and thrown it on the grill.
Shane looked down at his plate, mortified.
David, full of understanding this time, said “Personally, I think you are so brave for ordering fish here. Not what you’re used to?”
Shane shook his head.
“Me neither.”
***
Shane and Ilya got back to their room after dinner.
“Ilya! There’s still no towels. I really wanted a shower.”
This was the second time today that Shane needed a shower because of fish.
“I will go get towels, you just sit.”
Shane flopped onto the bed and Ilya hurried out the door.
As he walked along the row of rooms, he spotted the oldest soda vending machine he had ever seen. One row at the very bottom showed a very faded Canada Dry label. “Finally!”
He hurried into the motel office.
Inside he found David leaning on the counter talking to a spooky woman with dark eyeliner and long black hair. They stopped whatever they were talking about and faced him with wide eyes.
Undeterred from his new mission, Ilya said “You make change? You make change for vending machine?”
The woman just nodded. Ilya whipped out a crisp $100 bill and handed it to her.
She stared at the bill, “You want me to break a hundred? I’m not sure we have that much money. I guess I’ll have to go back and check if we have like 50 rolls of quarters here.”
“Not so much change. You give me some change, the rest bills.”
David shot at her. “Yea, I’m sure you have plenty of crumpled singles.”
Ilya knew a chirp when he heard one and decided he was starting to like this David.
“Okay. But it’s only fair to warn you. That machine only works when it wants to.” the woman said, ignoring David.
“It must work. It has Canada Dry.”
David, who had been looking shocked so far (Ilya wasn’t sure if that look was permanent or not) softened noticeably at that.
“Here you go,” said the woman handing over the change and bills, “best of luck!”
Ilya headed out, but got to the door and stopped.
“Oh! I have called for towels two times now.”
“Twice!” piped David, pointedly staring at the woman.
“This is third time I want to ask for towels,” continued Ilya.
“Thrice Stevie!” exclaimed David with more enthusiasm and intense stare at the woman.
“You know my room?”
“I know your room.”
“How do you know my room?”
“David told me who you are, plus I live in the next room.”
“Then you will bring towels?”
Stevie just sighed. “I will bring towels.”
***
Ilya strolled back to the vending machine, dropped the coins in, and pressed the button for Canada Dry. The machine hummed, clunked, and then… Nothing.
“нет!”
He slammed the button again to no avail, and then just rested his forehead on the front of the machine in defeat.
Nearby, a loon called out. Ilya startled. He turned around and found himself face to face with a woman. At least, he thought it was a woman. She was dressed head to toe in black, white, and silver, and her giant wig appeared to be made, at least partially, of black feathers.
“That wretched contraption has been a blight upon this establishment since long before our ignominious arrival. It taunts the parched and punishes the hopeful. Much money has been lost to its cruel machinations and I shall never forgive that betrayal. You'd have better luck extracting a beverage from a slab of igneous rock.”
Ilya blinked. He could only understand three of those words.
The loon called again and snapped Ilya back to reality.
“Are you a loon?” Ilya asked the ghostly figure.
“No dear, I’m a crow.”
And with that, the figure vanished along the walkway into one of the rooms.
Ilya, unsettled but still determined, banged on the machine one more time.
He looked at the machine, he looked up the walkway.
Nothing.
***
David arrived home to find Patrick sitting up in bed with his laptop, iPad, and phone, and a notebook splayed out around him.
“And what are you up to?” David asked.
“Well, I think Bob got it wrong.”
“Oh, surprise!”
“What I mean is, maybe they don’t need a Land Rover part.”
“If it is a Land Rover, why wouldn’t they need a Land Rover part?”
“Because the engine was designed by Ford.”
“And how do you know that?”
“The internet, David. I’ve found owner websites for that car and other people that had the same problem.”
“Oh, the internet! Well according to the internet there is an entire blog dedicated to my past relationships and they got three of them wrong. Three! And they somehow missed the DJ from Lisbon entirely. At least they don’t mention Scott Hunter though.”
“What did happen with Scott Hunter, David?”
“No, we don’t talk about Scott Hunter… so what did you find?”
“Apparently the Ford dealer in Barnsdale has the parts and I can pick them up in the morning.”
“Why are you buying car parts for hockey players, Patrick?”
“It’s like $20, David, we can afford to be nice.”
“Well, from the hundred dollar bill I saw the Russian one wave at Stevie tonight, they can afford to pay you back.”
David scooched up to Patrick in bed.
“I think… I think you just want the hockey players to think you’re cool.”
Patrick dipped back into his work.
“I’m just being nice, David.”
***
Ilya walked back into the motel room looking defeated to find Shane on the bed scrolling through his phone.
“Where are the towels?”
“Towels are coming. This place is the most not boring place.”
“What? What happened?”
“Towels are coming. On way back I saw a loon-crow ghost. There were stupid Canadian wolf bird noises. This woman bird appeared and told me vending machine does not work and then more wolf bird noises.”
Shane couldn’t help but laugh.
“That’s just a loon, Ilya.”
“No, I asked. She said she was crow.”
Shane couldn’t hide the puzzled look on his face.
Ilya hadn’t sat down yet and there was a knock at the door.
He stood frozen for a moment until the second knock came.
He answered it to find Stevie standing there with towels.
“Oh, I thought you were loon-crow ghost.”
“Right, uh, here. Towels.” Stevie said before abruptly turning and disappearing up the walkway.
***
Ilya said, “You should call Yuna. She will worry.”
“Right, well, better do it now before bed”
“You sure you don’t want to do it while in bed? Yuna is very supportive.” Ilya said with a horny smirk.
“Ew, Ilya, don’t be gross” said Shane while he pulled up FaceTime.
“Hi mom!”
“Hey boys, any updates?”
“Yeah, mom, we’re stuck here for the night or possibly two. It might take that long to get the parts for the car.”
“You couldn’t get a rental?”
“It’s a very long story, mom, but no, there’s no rental cars here.”
“Did you guys eat? Where are you staying?”
“We sorta ate. Ilya had pasta, but there wasn’t much at the restaurant for me. I had a bit of fish.”
“Why didn’t you go somewhere else?”
“There’s only one restaurant here, mom.”
“Well, where are you boys sleeping tonight?”
Ilya jumped in the frame, “Motel haunted by ghosts!”
“Haha, what?”
“Ilya thought he saw a ghost” Shane interjected.
“I did! She made loon noises. Told me vending machine did not work. She is not a loon though, I asked. She is crow! Then,” Ilya’s hand shot up. “She disappeared!”
“What are you talking about Ilya?” Yuna laughed.
“It’s a really strange place, mom. I have no idea what Ilya thinks he saw, but I have no doubt that he saw it. The people here are so nice though even if they’re a bit… off. We met another gay couple and they’ve helped us with the car and food and getting the room. Ilya even knew the sister of one of the guys. She met him in Moscow. Apparently he saved her. And apparently, the manager of this motel knows dad. If everything else wasn’t so strange these people would be kinda cool.”
“I like the David one.” Ilya added. “He has good chirps.”
“Well, it sounds like you boys are safe at least. We hope to see you soon.”
“Thanks mom, we’ll let you know when we have more updates. Love you”
“Love you boys. Good night.”
Shane sighed.
“Today has been the weirdest day of my life. It would be funny if it weren’t so crazy.”
“Well,” Ilya said, “maybe time for a little more crazy.” and grabbed a towel.
***
David was already in the lobby when Stevie walked in looking haggard.
“Rough night?”
“Well, your dad put your hockey players next to my room and they kept me up all night with loud sex.”
“That’s hot, but no. My hockey player thinks he’s a car mechanic right now. He went off to Barnsdale this morning to get the parts.”
The front desk phone rang. Stevie and David could both see that the call was coming from Shane and Ilya’s room.
“If that’s for more towels…”
David looked somewhat turned on. ”Yeah...”
***
David magnanimously offered to take the extra towels to the pair of hot gay hockey players, but Stevie still tagged along.
As they came out of the lobby, Patrick pulled up in Shane and Ilya’s car, looking triumphant.
“You fixed it!”
“Well, Bob did, but I got him the parts. Once he had that, it was a pretty quick fix.”
“We’re headed down to bring them more towels,” David said, holding up the stack. “Apparently they used up all the ones Stevie brought them last night. You can let them know about their car.”
The three headed down the walkway and knocked on the door.
A naked-from-the-waist up Ilya opened the door to them.
“Oh, I thought you were breakfast.”
“Oh, well I can be!” chirped David, who got a smirk from Ilya.
“David! I’m right here!” chided Patrick.
Stevie wordlessly took the towels from David, handed them to Ilya, and walked back to the lobby.
“So, we got your car fixed. It is here out front.” offered Patrick.
Shane hopped up and joined them at the door. “What? Really?”
“Yeah, I did some research and it turns out your engine was designed by Ford, so I was able to get the part from the Ford dealer in Barnsdale.”
“You bought part?” Ilya said, now looking serious.
“Yeah.”
Ilya whipped out his wallet and handed Patrick a hundred dollar bill.
“The part was like $22. You’ll still need to settle up with Bob before you leave, but I brought your car over here because you had so many bags with you.”
“Thank you, you make very boring car a little less boring.”
David snatched the bill out of Patrick’s hands. “Thank you.”
“Well,” Patrick stammered, now more aware of the pair of shirtless hockey gods in front of him. “If Schitt’s Creek is on the route between your place and your parents’ place maybe you’ll stop in again sometime. Hopefully we will have fixed the ginger ale situation by then.”
“And the towels…” David said attempting to be helpful.
“Maybe. Probably. I think so. I like your chirps.” said Ilya flatly towards David.
Ilya and Shane backed into their room and closed the door.
“Did he just call me a bird?”
“No, David.”
***
After making very good use of the towels, Shane and Ilya got their bags packed and called the front desk to check out.
As they dragged their bags down the walk, Ilya glared at the old vending machine taunting him. He gave it a slam with the side of his fist as he passed.
(clunk)
Out dropped an ice cold can of Canada Dry.