Work Text:
Nicholas swallowed a big lump lodged in his throat when a notification popped up on his phone.
E-mail from: Byun Euijoo
Subject: Hi
The name brought a wave Nicholas didn’t know was still there. Nicholas watched that notification disappear. It was only ten seconds tops, yet Nicholas felt he had to wait for eons before the e-mail notification finally disappeared from the screen. During those ten seconds, his brain involuntarily recalled a face with a pair of round eyes, full cheeks, a small button nose, and a pair of thin lips with a shy smile on. Nicholas felt his hands itch and his chest tighten.
“Fuck,” Nicholas stopped scrolling on his phone. He hoped the sofa would just swallow him right then. Nicholas threw one arm over his face, head leaning back with a heavy thud.
The phone lay beside him. He wished his phone would just explode or anything. Dramatic ass, faintly, he could hear Maki’s voice inside his head—the younger boy always called him dramatic for everything he did after an inconvenience. Still half lying down on the couch, boneless and all, Nicholas’ fingers felt the itch to reach his phone. Maybe he could just swipe the notification away and pretend that the e-mail went into the spam folder. There was a choice to act as if nothing had happened. Nicholas was tempted to open the mail just to delete it without reading anything inside. Fuck being considerate.
Yet in reality, Nicholas just groaned. He stared at his phone. It was just an e-mail, right?
No.
Nicholas got up and grabbed his phone.
✉
Hi,
How are you? It’s pretty lame to ask. I hope you’re doing okay there. I know I should not send you this e-mail. I know the chance of you reading this is less than 20%, but I think you need to see this.
[Picture Attached]
They are still alive. You picked the strongest ones. Pretty too. I will take care of them. Thank you, Nichol.
I don’t know why I tell you about them. Just want to let you know. Look, I didn’t kill them. I keep them with me and set a daily reminder not to water them too much, like you told me. Sometimes I feel too busy and scared I will neglect them, but I remember your words about how hard it is to kill a cactus. You’re right. They’re thriving now.
I wish you’re thriving like Red and Yellow. They remind me so much of you.
Be healthy, don’t sleep too much.
Later in the evening, Nicholas accidentally clicked on the mail when he’s opening his inbox. He ended up reading it. Until the last words, Nicholas’ jaws hardened. He stared longer at the cactus picture attached. One red-flowered, the other was yellow. Nicholas remembered he got them for Euijoo’s birthday. The memory of his own laughter when he found the so-called perfect present for Euijoo felt like a punch straight to his gut.
He needed a smoke break. Nicholas hesitated to delete the mail. Finally, he chose to put his phone on the desk, grab his last pack of cigarettes, and step out to the balcony. Nicholas didn’t even know how to name his feeling at the time. Anger? Sadness? Shock? Pain? Relieved?
The railing felt cold when he was leaning on it. Nicholas lit up his cigarette, took a drag while his thoughts started to go everywhere—to Euijoo.
It had been three years since their breakup. Three years since Nicholas stormed out and left Tokyo for good. Three years since he last spoke to Euijoo. Nicholas didn’t understand why. As far as he remembered, Euijoo was the one who cut everything off right after Nicholas told him, “I am going back to Taipei.” It had been radio silence for three years until that morning.
What was with that e-mail? Why did Euijoo, out of nowhere, send it to him?
It had been three years since Nicholas accepted that Euijoo hated him. Or so he thought.
Another drag, and Nicholas muttered to himself, “fuck.”
His head was full of Euijoo’s soft smile while he was holding a pair of cacti—Red and Yellow—from Nicholas. Back then, Euijoo was sad after his plant was almost obliterated by his clumsiness.
“I can’t take care of any plant.”
Euijoo looked pitiful and sad at that time. Nicholas could describe in detail how Euijoo was back then. Faintly, he could feel how warm Euijoo was when the younger was curled on his side. Nicholas remembered that Euijoo smelled like a freshly laundered batch of laundry. The way Euijoo fit in the nook and cranny of Nicholas’ body made him look smaller. Euijoo was tall, taller than Nicholas, even. Yet everything about him screamed how small he was. When Euijoo mumbled about how he wanted to take care of a real plant, Nicholas snorted.
Funny, the next day, Nicholas bought Euijoo two small cacti. Euijoo was so, so happy. He kissed Nicholas’s cheek once, with a big smile on his face.
“I named them Red and Yellow.”
Euijoo told Nicholas after he put those cacti on the table near their apartment’s window. When asked why Red and Yellow, Euijoo giggled.
“Red looks like you, short and thorny. Yellow is taller, just like me.”
That answer brought Nicholas to tackle his then-boyfriend. They were laughing and rolling on the carpet while Nicholas tickled Euijoo. After they choked on their own laughs, short of breath, Euijoo put his head on Nicholas’s shoulder. Nicholas could picture Euijoo’s slightly unruly hair, the flush on his cheeks, the familiar weight on Nicholas’ right shoulder. Nicholas told Euijoo why he picked the cactus for him.
“Hard to kill? Really? You think I am a plant-killer?”
Euijoo pouted, and then Nicholas kissed him.
They laughed again, lying side by side and just talking about how to take care of Red and Yellow. Nicholas felt he was the happiest at that time. Little did he know, it was the countdown to the end of his perfect world with Euijoo.
Reminiscing about the happy days left a bitter taste. Nicholas took another drag of his cigarette, longer, as if he wanted to fill his lungs with smoke instead of this uncomfortable feeling he didn’t want to name.
Did Nicholas hate Euijoo?
Nicholas exhaled the smoke, watching it dissipate. The smell lingered.
Just like his feelings for Euijoo.
No, the e-mail didn’t give him any bullshit idea to reconcile. Nicholas knew better. He chose to translate the feelings as relieved that Euijoo was fine, at least Euijoo was alive. Maybe he’s happy and living his life just fine. Nicholas didn’t want to pry further. Maybe Euijoo sent the e-mail without any intention. Every drag Nicholas took, the ‘maybe’ piled up. His cigarette almost burned to the hilt. Nicholas took the last drag and tasted something more bitter than nicotine.
✉
Nicholas was busy finishing his latest design when a mail notification popped up on his monitor.
E-mail from: Byun Euijoo
Subject: Found something
At first, Nicholas denied. Maybe his eyes were too tired, and he started seeing things. His fingers twitched, grabbing the pen tighter. He’s trying to look away, back to his work. Nicholas bit the inside of his cheek. His eyes darted back to the monitor. That pop-up blinked, followed by another. He hoped it would get buried by other notifications and that he would forget about that e-mail forever.
On the contrary, his head betrayed him. Nicholas found himself staring at his monitor. Again, he had choices: a) ignore it, b) just read it. Nicholas knew. It’s only an e-mail. They had their closure, although it’s not really a peaceful one. They ended things mutually. They lived years after without crossing paths, no contact, co-existed at a great distance. Nicholas used to wonder about Euijoo’s whereabouts, but he didn’t do anything. Why? Because Euijoo made it clear with the silence. Rekindling their friendship was off the table.
Two e-mails in a row, Nicholas gritted his teeth, wondering why Euijoo sent them after three years of no contact. Nicholas stopped his hand and put the pencil down over the half-finished design. His head was pounding.
Finally, he gave in. Nicholas reached for the mouse and clicked that damned mail notification.
✉
Hi again,
This must be yours.
[Picture Attached]
You were searching for this ring for days, right? Sorry, it took years to finally find it. I was just vacuuming the living room when I noticed the ring got stuck under the table you bought. Remember that white table you put in the corner of our living room? Yes, that one.
I tried to clean and polish it. Tried the clean-up tutorial video you showed, but it’s of no use. Maybe it’s because the dust has been piled on for years.
I hope you already have a new favorite ring. This one is beyond saving.
Take care.
Nicholas remembered the ring. That silver ring he used to wear for going out matched his outfits. In the picture Euijoo sent, the said ring looked dull and stained. Euijoo put that ring on his palm. Nicholas grimaced. True, it’s beyond saving. He hoped Euijoo would just throw it away instead of telling him where it was. Before he read the e-mail, Nicholas wasn’t even thinking of that ring.
But he admitted that years ago, Nicholas almost threw everything in their apartment upside down because he couldn’t find that ring. Nicholas loved it. Usually, he kept the ring in the little accessories box. But one day, they came home too drunk after a too wild Saturday night. Nicholas was too busy kissing Euijoo, undressing his then-boyfriend and himself, andpractically threw their clothes haphazardly.
By the morning, when he felt sober enough, he couldn’t find the ring anywhere. Euijoo woke up later from the commotion. Nicholas remembered he had told Euijoo to go back to their bedroom, yet the taller one clumsily helped him instead.
“Nichol, please don’t rip the carpet. We can start again from the door—you sure you’re just throwing your jacket there?”
While Nicholas was frantic, Euijoo was calm and sorted the ordeals one by one. Euijoo patiently follows Nicholas, rubbing his back to ground him down. Yes, Nicholas was upset because they searched for hours until their stomach growled. Euijoo softly led Nicholas to sit on their slightly off-center sofa (Nicholas tried to look for his ring underneath).
“I’ll make something for us. Let’s take a break. We’ll search it again after we eat, okay?”
If it weren’t for Euijoo, the whole apartment would be torn apart. Nicholas vividly remembered that Euijoo never belittled Nicholas’s determination to find the ring. Euijoo helped him for days, until Nicholas had had enough and decided to just let it go. They even rearranged the whole apartment to find his ring. Euijoo pouted when Nicholas stopped, but was clearly still upset.
He’s closing the mail when Euijoo’s face flashes inside his head with his downturned lips. Days after he lose the ring, Nicholas often came home to Euijoo crouched near random furniture, still searching for Nicholas’ ring. He stopped when, one day, Nicholas ruffled Euijoo’s hair and kissed the crown of his head while Euijoo was kneeling beside their coffee table.
“But. It’s your favorite ring.”
Euijoo insisted, but Nicholas shushed him, telling him he could buy another one. The day after, Nicholas took Euijoo to the shop. He bought a new ring, and got Euijoo another similar ring. Euijoo hid his reddened face under his hoodie. The taller muttered a soft ‘thank you’ and Nicholas had to hold himself to not kiss Euijoo right there.
It was a very sweet memory, yet Nicholas felt bile rise to his throat. He ended up leaving his worktable. His head went on full nostalgia mode; it’s suffocating.
He missed everything. Nicholas walked to his bathroom and heaved on the bathroom sink. The ring he bought with Euijoo sat snug on his index finger. Nicholas glared at the ring, his clammy hand pulled it off his finger.
Nicholas reached into his pocket, pulled out his phone, and exhaled a shaky breath when he opened the mail app. He went through Euijoo’s mail again and clicked on the picture Euijoo sent.
The bile in his throat burned higher.
Euijoo wore the ring. The one they bought together on his ring finger.
Nicholas wanted to laugh and cry.
“Fuck,” he gripped the cold tile of the sink, “fuck.”
✉
Nicholas got the third e-mail when he sat at the bar, drinking and laughing, when a nice guy approached him. His phone buzzed unexpectedly that night. He thought it would be work-related. When he reached for his phone, Nicholas froze, staring at the monitor.
E-mail from: Byun Euijoo
Subject: (no subject)
His thumb hovered. Nicholas quickly locked his phone when the guy who had been flirting with him asked, “Something’s wrong, pretty?”
Nicholas forced a smile, “nothing. Just a mail.”
Then, he shoved the phone inside his pocket, leaning closer to the guy beside him. Maybe it’s the alcohol in his system, Nicholas getting bold. He put his hand on that guy’s shoulder, smiling enticingly. The guy looked at Nicholas with a big smile. Nicholas leaned even closer and brushed his lips on that guy’s ear, whispering an invitation.
“Hey, wanna come to my place?”
Pathetic.
Nicholas’ mind screamed to himself. He was ignoring his pounding head when he led the guy out of the bar. Nicholas stopped a taxi and shoved the guy inside while laughing. Shamelessly, throughout the drive, he’s being all touchy. Ignoring the driver in the front, Nicholas whispered things to the guy. He just wanted to keep his head busy—he didn’t want to wander into an Euijoo-shaped thought.
When they arrived at the apartment building, Nicholas quickly pulled the guy towards the elevator. Nicholas put on a convincing, sultry look, making the guy visibly excited. Nicholas didn’t even remember his name. The sloppy kiss during the elevator ride felt like nothing. Just wet, mildly tangy from the cocktail they had earlier.
Nicholas had flings, one-night stands, casual fuck buddies—this guy was just one of them. He didn’t bother to ask his name again. Coming into Nicholas’ unit, they kept kissing and groping each other. Nicholas pushed the guy on his couch, straddling him after. He was just about to dive down for a kiss when, abruptly, a familiar voice rang inside his head.
“Nichol…”
Nicholas stopped.
✉
Have you gone skydiving, Nichol? I was cleaning up in the storage room and found lots of skydiving brochures. The one we failed to do in Hawaii used to be that cheap. It was very unfortunate that we couldn’t go. I used to say, at least once, that I wanted to experience skydiving before I die. But maybe I wanted it more because you said you wanted to do it together with me. I haven’t gone, not even once, until today.
I found our hats inside the same box, too. Do you remember why we put them here? I didn’t, lol. I found lots of your things in some boxes. Hopefully, nothing important here.
I don’t know how you managed to bring these heavy boxes. I needed more than half a day to clean everything here. There are your boots, old accessories, and your clothes too. Sorry, I didn’t remind you about them when you were moving out. Don’t worry, I am not throwing them away.
Your place now must be very you. I wish you to always be comfortable there, Nichol.
Take care.
The guy excused himself after Nicholas pretended to have a severe, sudden stomachache. Nicholas spent almost an hour in his bathroom, flushing the toilet to make his lie solid. It was stupid. He sat on the closet, clutching his phone. Only after the guy knocked on the bathroom door did Nicholas shout an apology, then told the guy to meet him next Saturday—again, he was lying. Nicholas wasn’t planning to meet him ever again.
Nicholas read Euijoo’s mail slowly. No picture this time. His chest felt too tight, as if his heart were too big to be placed behind his rib.
Three years. Nicholas was miserable during the first year after their breakup. Nicholas felt the world had broken into pieces. He put every piece one by one, slowly, day to day. It took months for Nicholas to live a normal life. He had to re-learn how to live without Euijoo. But Euijoo’s e-mail brought all the life he left. All the memories he tried to keep at bay. They crashed at all once.
Euijoo kept Nicholas’ things there. Nicholas didn’t know what he should feel.
“At least I have to skydive once, before I die.”
Again, the memory was intact in his head. Euijoo wanted to skydive. Every year when they went on vacation, Euijoo tried to find a skydiving spot. Though in four years of their relationship, they have not succeeded even once. Nicholas was the scaredy cat when it came to heights. Yet he searched extensively for information about skydiving as a holiday destination. Nicholas loved seeing Euijoo’s eyes light up when he brought another skydiving brochure. Over the years, the promotional flyers were piling up.
Nicholas was the one who told Euijoo to keep them all, too. Just in case, Nicholas once said, if they go back to the place, they know where to go skydiving. Euijoo laughed at Nicholas’ train of thought.
“Do you think we would come back here, Nichol?”
Hawaii, Australia, Thailand—Nicholas promised Euijoo that someday they will spend another holiday here, you and me, again.
The same question Euijoo asked him about the seasonal things Nicholas only wore once.
“Nichol…are you going to wear these things again? Our closet is too full! Let’s put some away into the storage.”
Nicholas was too naive. He thought he would be with Euijoo forever. Another holiday, another spring and summer, another year together. He was so sure about the future. In practice, Nicholas and Euijoo built their lives around each other. It’s funny, just in one night, Nicholas was pushed to live a life void of Euijoo.
When he was walking out of the bathroom, Nicholas stared at his apartment. He had lived here for three years. There were all of his life, three years; hobbies, work, and a resting place.
It’s undoubtedly very Nicholas.
Suddenly, he felt everything in this apartment just so wrong.
There was no trace of Euijoo. Yet Euijoo kept some parts of Nicholas there.
Nicholas dragged his feet to his bedroom and let himself fall to his unmade bed, face first. His head was pounding again.
“Why,” he choked, “Euijoo. Why.”
Nicholas fell asleep some time later. In his dream, Nicholas saw Euijoo struggling to lift the boxes.
✉
The fourth e-mail came days after the third, unlike Euijoo’s first and second e-mails, which were sent continuously day after day. Nicholas was trying not to wait for Euijoo’s e-mail. He repeatedly told himself that Euijoo wouldn’t send him any more mail, and that was good. Nicholas didn’t read any intention from his ex-boyfriend to reconnect with him. It’s almost like Euijoo just sent him random things on his mind. Of course, he didn’t understand why Euijoo did that. For days, Nicholas almost convinced himself that if Euijoo sent him another email, he would ignore it.
His resolve crumbled within seconds when a familiar e-mail notification popped up on his phone.
E-mail from: Byun Euijoo
Subject: Watch
This time Nicholas took a deep breath. He tried his best to swipe the notification away. Nicholas was trying, at least, not to read the e-mail just seconds after he received it. His stomach churned uncomfortably. Nicholas’s hands were shaking after he dismissed the pop-up. He put his phone down on the table, trying to focus on his work. The deadline for his upcoming collection was getting near. Alas, the designs should be submitted tonight.
Three years in Taipei, Nicholas built his career. He managed to launch his very own clothing line, a small one, but growing fast nonetheless. Three years without Euijoo, he poured himself dry on his work. He was happy. He was convinced this was the happy part of his life. The sketch of his newest design was almost complete. He tried not to turn his head towards his phone or the monitor in front of him.
Nicholas paused. He couldn’t do this anymore.
“Shit,” he muttered to himself, “you’re just as annoying as I remember, Juju.”
Nicholas reached for his phone and stood up, walking away from his desk. He wondered what random things Euijoo had crammed into his mail now. Deep down, Nicholas realized, a tiny ‘what if’ bloomed. What if he could talk to Euijoo again? Would Euijoo still use his small voice? Would Euijoo call him ‘Nichol’ in person? Nicholas bit his lip. He threw himself on his couch, then opened the e-mail.
Nichol, I think it’s broken…sorry.
[Picture Attached]
I may have worn the watch too much. I wore it every day. Earlier, I saw it blank like this. It worked too hard, I think. I will bring the watch to the repairman tomorrow.
It’s still my favorite watch. Thank you, Nichol.
P.S.: Please don’t work too hard like this watch.
Nicholas snorted. Euijoo attached a picture of his wrist, showing the so-called favorite watch—Nicholas’s gift. The silver digital watch looks well-worn. The time panel was blank. Nicholas bet, Euijoo forgot to change the battery after years. Just Euijoo being Euijoo. When he gave Euijoo the watch, Nicholas had already told him to change the battery at least once a year.
Back then, Euijoo looked overjoyed. Nicholas should have known that Euijoo didn’t catch what he said.
“Woah—this looks good. Thank you, Nichol.”
It was Nicholas’s present for Euijoo’s birthday. The first birthday they spent together as boyfriends. Nicholas was broke as hell, just graduated from university, struggling to land a decent job. He had to scrape everything from his bank account and pockets to afford a cake and one discounted watch for Euijoo. The watch, in Nicholas’s eyes, was very…simple. Something that would blend easily with any clothes and on any occasion. Just for daily use. He was a little bit ashamed, giving his then-boyfriend a very ordinary present.
Nicholas told Euijoo he would give him another present to make up for the one he had already given. But Euijoo frowned. The younger shook his head.
“This is perfect, Nichol. I love this watch.”
How Euijoo smiled at him that time, Nicholas wouldn’t forget.
Years later, Euijoo still wore that watch. Almost every day—if it’s not every day, really. Nicholas gave Euijoo another birthday present, something more decent with a price tag Nicholas finally could afford. Yet, that watch was still Euijoo’s favorite. Nicholas even scolded Euijoo once for wearing the watch.
“But it’s from you. I will wear it every day. Even on my funeral.”
Nicholas remembered that after Euijoo said that, he smushed Euijoo’s face and kissed him all over. Nicholas could still hear Euijoo’s shriek and giggle while kissing Nicholas back. It was before their third anniversary dinner, when Nicholas arranged a week of holiday in Phuket for them. Euijoo ended up wearing the watch every day during their holiday, including that one night when they had a fancy dinner on a cruise.
Euijoo watched the firework party outside with a big smile. Nicholas smiled at Euijoo. How the younger unaware that his fingers traced the watch. Nicholas recalled the moment he took Euijoo’s hand away from the silver watch and kissed every knuckles until Euijoo’s face getting red. Nicholas asked; do you like it that much, the watch?
“I will wear it on our wedding, Nichol. I love this watch that much.”
Wedding. They used to talk about it with a big smile. They were dreaming of a wedding.
He almost pressed the reply button to answer Euijoo’s mail, yet he stopped himself. Nicholas lied down on his couch, arm covered his eyes. Throbbing ache inside his chest felt annoying. Painful. Nicholas was reminded of a big hole inside his heart, shaped exactly like Euijoo, had never actually stitched close.
✉
Healing from a nasty breakup of your four-year relationship was a long, long ride. The worst, when that said, the relationship was a steady, happy one. Nicholas went through it all by himself. The first months were painful, and he barely survived day to day. Nicholas officially left the apartment he shared with Euijoo a week after the breakup. It was not really messy. He packed things himself, mostly when Euijoo was working. Nicholas hired a team of professional movers to speed things up. Within days, most of his things were packed and ready to ship to Taipei. Euijoo helped, surprisingly. Euijoo brought out things Nicholas kept in their storage, but apparently not all of them. Nicholas didn’t really care, though he remembered when he saw Euijoo, the younger looked he had not been sleeping in days.
Nicholas told Euijoo he moved back to Taipei three weeks after they broke up. Euijoo didn’t reply to his message, and he went silent for days. On Nicholas’s departure day, only their friends came. Euijoo was nowhere to be seen.
Nicholas boarded the plane with a heavy heart.
They didn’t explicitly agree to keep in touch as friends. Nicholas thought Euijoo was okay with the arrangement—back as friends, after some alone time. Yet a month after their breakup, Nicholas found that Euijoo had deactivated all his social media accounts. For Nicholas, it felt like a clear statement of how Euijoo didn’t want to be associated with Nicholas, ever again. It made Nicholas break down in his new apartment, as if his heart were ripped apart. Painful. Sad.
Walking back into those days made Nicholas nauseous. It had been two months before he knew, after Euijoo’s first e-mail. Weeks of drowning back into the memories, his sleep getting shorter and shorter, until the day his eyes refused to succumb to a dream. Nicholas was lying on his bed, wide awake at 2 AM. The bedsheet felt too hot, too rough. Nicholas kicked the duvet away, cranked the AC—still hot, uncomfortable, failed to at least lull him into feeling a little bit sleepy.
Nicholas waited for Euijoo’s e-mail. It had been three weeks since the last one. Days moved like he’s in autopilot. Finished his work, eating, and met his colleagues, but Nicholas was floating inside his head. A constant static buzzed in his head. He’s questioning why Euijoo sent him those e-mails? Moreover, Nicholas asked himself why he cared so much about Euijoo’smail? What he did, of course, was just open the old wounds. It’s like voluntarily ripping open the imperfect stitches, letting himself bleed again.
He was teetering into a dangerous place of thinking of ‘did Euijoo miss me?’. Getting further into ‘what went wrong?’,and Nicholas took a sharp breath.
The ceiling looked too low, like it would almost fall and crush him underneath. Fuck. Fuck. He’s not regretting the breakup; he should not. It was mutual. It was for their sake.
Nicholas shot up, sitting down with his head clutched in his hands.
Remembering the reason why, of course, hurts.
Four years fell apart in months. The life they built crumbled in one night. It hurt more, since the reason was for a better life.
“I am trying too, Nichol…”
Euijoo’s weak yet frustrated voice echoed in his ear. The night they supposedly had a movie night, Euijoo arrived too late. It was almost eleven. Nicholas waited since seven, had prepared everything—snacks, dinner, the movies they listed to watch—yet Euijoo was nowhere, no text, no call. Nicholas was antsy, and the uncomfortable feelings evolved into anger. Again. That night was the nth time Euijoo had come home very late without telling him. This happened for weeks, since Euijoo got a new, better job in a better company.
They used to make ends meet, barely surviving from month to month with their combined paychecks. Renting an apartment in Tokyo sure costs a fortune. But they did, because it was closer to Nicholas’ workshop in Shibuya and much more convenient for Euijoo to commute. Things were rough, but they were happy with the arrangements. Nicholas and Euijoo alternated who was in charge of cooking and doing the laundry. The small apartment was a warm place they fought for. They lived the good and bad days together.
Then Euijoo landed a much steadier job and a much higher paycheck, while Nicholas’s jewelry workshop was getting more recognition. They got busier, naturally. But financially, they got so much more stable, they even moved to a new, spacier unit in the same building. It felt surreal. Nicholas was elated, living like that with the love of his life.
All the good things couldn’t always be good, unfortunately.
Nicholas started spending more time finishing jewelry in his workshop while Euijoo waited for him back home. Another day, Euijoo had to work overtime or go on a business trip for a week. During that time, Nicholas had to wait for Euijoo’s replies to his texts. Spending time together was a luxury, so they tried their best to compromise. At first, they did just fine. Until life took a drastic turn, put Nicholas and Euijoo in a very strained phase.
Euijoo had to cancel their plans, Nicholas should understand. Nicholas had to choose to finish his commission, Euijoo should understand.
That one night, Nicholas went home early and postponed his work. Euijoo promised him no overtime today. We will have our movie night today. Nicholas waited for hours, Euijoo didn’t even pick up his phone. The snacks went untouched, and he turned off the TV. When Nicholas heard the door open, his chest tightened. He should have asked Euijoo first, are you okay, what happened, yet his anger won. Nicholas seethed, throwing words without thinking much; what the hell, Euijoo, I’ve waited for hours, and you didn’t even bother to text me? Do you even remember that you have someone waiting for you?
Nicholas remembered Euijoo huffing and mumbling a ‘sorry’. Euijoo’s shoulders slumped, looking tired, but his eyes spoke of how frustrated he was. It made Nicholas even angrier, spewing his muddled thoughts; I am tired too, I have work, but I am trying to hold us together.
And the words left Euijoo's lips; I am trying too, Nichol.
The argument back then ended with Nicholas storming out of their apartment and spending the night at the hotel three blocks away. In the morning, Nicholas sent the text;
Let’s break up. I am sorry.
Thinking about the day he ended his relationship with Euijoo was nothing new. But tonight, Nicholas drowned himself too deeply. He stood up, left the bed, and dragged his feet out of his bedroom. Head still full of memories. Absentmindedly, Nicholas walked into his kitchen, opened the fridge, and fetched himself a bottle of cold beer. He didn’t drink often, but tonight he needed it.
One bottle added into two, two turned into three, until the clock struck 4 AM and Nicholas was hiccuping on his couch, clutching his fifth bottle of beer. On the verge of passing out, Nicholas thought about why Euijoo didn’t even try to fix things between them. Instead of anger, Nicholas lamented. The resentment he had harbored for years was more directed at himself, with a part of it towards Euijoo’s silence and lack of effort. Hiccups turned into sobs. Nicholas then lay down on the couch and blacked out with a hollow heart. In his dream, Nicholas saw Euijoo.
Maybe Nicholas still had the tiniest speck of hope for Euijoo.
✉
Morning came with his head feeling as if it were almost split open. Nicholas stepped over the beer bottles on the floor, wobbling to the bathroom. He emptied his stomach down the closet, then washed his face to at least clear his head. Nicholas popped a Tylenol after brushing his teeth, looking at himself through the mirror. He looked just fine, with darker bags under his eyes. I am okay. Nicholas forced a smile and patted his cheeks. Those two tear tracks are gone, and the bloodshot eyes have gotten a bit clearer.
But it’s still aching inside his chest.
Walking back into his bedroom, Nicholas saw his phone on the nightstand. Maybe he wanted to check the notifications this once. If there’s no e-mail from Euijoo, Nicholas would forget it. He would forget those e-mails. Surely this time, after weeks of anxiously waiting for Euijoo’s e-mail. But, if Euijoo sent him one—
—he would reply to it.
Nicholas held his breath when he was reaching for his phone, tapping the screen hurriedly. Lots of unread messages, he scrolled past, until a notification with an envelope icon popped up.
E-mail from: Byun Euijoo
Subject: Rose Gold
His feet felt like jello. Nicholas sat on the edge of his bed, raking his fingers through his hair. That uncomfortable weight was back, churning inside him with the same heavy sensation. His thumb hovered a bit before Nicholas finally mustered enough courage to click on the notification.
Hi, Nichol. I changed my hair color.
[Picture Attached]
Nicholas's lips quivered, a picture attached below the mail’s first paragraph. It had been years since Nicholas last saw Euijoo. The photo was a back view of Euijoo’s hair. Rose gold. It’s Euijoo, the very recent picture of his ex-boyfriend. His chest rumbled, and Nicholas knew exactly what he felt; he missed Euijoo. Nicholas spent a few seconds longer on the picture. Although it didn’t catch Euijoo’s face, Nicholas realized some details. Euijoo’s hair looked longer; maybe it framed his round face perfectly. Judging by the style, Nicholas guessed that Euijoo had a fringe, making him look years younger.
The last time Euijoo had vibrant-colored hair, it was before he landed the job. Seeing this picture almost made Nicholas cry. He continued reading Euijoo’s email.
You liked my pink-ish hair back then. Honestly, I wasn't really confident in wearing this color. But somehow I remembered you said I look good in vibrant hair. Maybe I should try it once again.
Yes, Euijoo was a shy type. If Nicholas loved standing out, Euijoo chose to blend with the crowd. That was one time Nicholas succeeded in persuading Euijoo to try another color other than brown or black. Oh boy, Nicholas never regretted it for once, because Euijoo with pink hair looked extra cute. Nicholas had to pepper Euijoo’s face in kisses after they got back home. Though the color lasted only two weeks, since Euijoo got hired at a company and had to look prim and proper.
I wish I could hear you tell me how this color looks on me.
The last sentence made Nicholas freeze.
Weeks of waiting, an e-mail with his ex’s picture—Nicholas clicked on the ‘reply’ button.
Reply to: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
That’s great. Rose gold suits you. I need to look more closely to give you a more objective view.
When Nicholas sent it, he took a deep breath and smiled.
Maybe, just maybe, he could try once again.
✉
“Nicho, are you sure about this?”
“Well. If I don’t, I won’t be here, Maki.”
Three days after replying to Euijoo’s last e-mail, Nicholas stood in the airport with his luggage and passport. He asked Maki to drop him off, without telling the full story behind his sudden ‘holiday’ to Japan. Maki was in their circle of friends, him and Euijoo. The youngest moved away to Germany a year before Nicholas and Euijoo’s breakup, kind of fell out of the loop, but is still quite close with Nicholas. Maki just graduated from university last year and got a job in Taipei. Nicholas learned that Maki, somehow, was not talking with any of their friends back in Tokyo. Life’s happened, Nicholas didn’t ask.
Maki looked at Nicholas like he was growing a second head. Doubtful, questioning, and clearly quite disagree with Nicholas’s plan to fly to Tokyo.
“The last time I asked you to spend a week in Japan, you were really against the plan,” Maki recalled.
“That’s different,” Nicholas defended himself, “I have my own reasons.”
“Is it Juju?”
Strike one. The older tried to look indifferent, coughing to hide his lies. Maki raised his eyebrow.
“Of course not!”
“Well—duh. You’re really stupid. Okay, I won’t ask. Good luck with your journey to win over your ex.”
Nicholas slapped Maki’s arm before mumbling a ‘bye’ and dragging his luggage through the gate. He’s walking without looking back, not realizing Maki’s face was full of worry. Nicholas didn’t tell Maki about Euijoo’s e-mails, about the weeks he was contemplating their doomed relationship.
Yes, he wanted to meet Euijoo, even though Euijoo hadn’t replied. It’s only been three days, after all. As Euijoo’s e-mail did not come within days, Nicholas thought Euijoo wouldn’t reply to him quickly. It’s okay, Nicholas kept telling himself. After boarding, anxiety rose alongside flickers of hope. Nicholas gripped his phone tightly. He didn’t catch a wink of sleep. When he came around, he realized the plane had landed. He’s back in Japan, in Tokyo, after three years.
He knew where he should go; he knew his way around. Nicholas walked past the gate, and his mind flew back to the day he bade farewell to Japan, swearing that he wouldn’t go back and build himself a new, happier life. Nicholas could think of that, maybe because that day, Euijoo wasn’t there.
There was so much he missed and hadn’t really thought about. Stepping back into the country he used to call ‘home’ brought so many feelings at once.
Nicholas chose to ride the train to the city. After all, it’s still noon, and Nicholas didn’t really have to rush. The ride brought him back to the moment every time Euijoo, and he had just gotten back from their holiday. They would scrape all the cash for the cheapest ride back home, train after train, running after buses while dragging their luggage—Nicholas smiled at the memories.
If things went smoothly, maybe he could tell Euijoo about this later.
As the train went further into the city, Nicholas realized the longing in his heart was exactly Tokyo-shaped, with Euijoo at its center. His hands were clammy. It’s autumn already, yet Nicholas felt a little bit swamped. The more he thought about all the possibilities, the more he felt suffocated. It’s alternating between anxious and hopeful, his heart couldn’t decide which one was heavier.
Happy? Afraid? Nicholas was confused about how to translate all of his feelings right now. All the confusion cleared a bit when he arrived at Shibuya Station, his stop. It changed into—thrumming chest, even clammier hands. It had been years. This was the stop closest to his workshop back then, also, not too far from Euijoo’s office. They used to ride the Yamanote Line together. Nicholas gazed around—searching, somehow, he hoped that he would bump into Euijoo.
The phone in his pocket was silent.
Nicholas dragged his luggage towards the nearest exit, the one closest to his hotel. After all, Nicholas spent almost eight years in Tokyo. He knew the best accommodation around, within walking distance of places. Alas, when he finally stepped out of the station, Nicholas got hit by the biggest wave of nostalgia. It was almost 4 PM, and Shibuya was busy as usual. Nicholas took a deep breath, stuttering in the language he had rarely used these years.
“Long time no see, Tokyo,” heavy on his tongue, it slipped weirdly. He almost could hear a familiar voice in his ear, answering; welcome home, Nichol.
Home. Nicholas walked, gripping his luggage as he headed towards the hotel entrance. Home. Friends. Euijoo.
His phone buzzed. Nicholas hastily pulled it out, wincing when he found out it was Maki calling him.
“How’s Tokyo?” Maki greeted lightly, Nicholas sighed.
“Weird. Not that different. Just. Weird,” Nicholas swallowed the words he wanted to say; it’s weird without Euijoo in my sight. Maki snorted through the call.
“Have any idea to—dunno, maybe talk to our friends?”
Right. Their friends.
✉
Naturally, Nicholas stopped talking to their friends after the breakup. Not because their relationship got sour, it was—life, the distance, and maybe Nicholas being a jerk. Talking to Yudai, Fuma, or Yuma felt too close to Euijoo back then. Slowly, he took a step back, further and further. Before he knew, the distance had been greater than he could reach over. Nicholas didn’t try. He didn’t even reply to Taki—Yudai’s brother—and Harua, his apprentice in the workshop back then. Though occasionally he replied to Jo—Yuma’s roommate—and Maki was the exception.
It was awkward when Nicholas had already settled in his room, then he scrolled through his contact list. Nicholas changed his number, and his LINE was long gone, along with all the chat history. He hoped his friends' phone numbers didn’t change. Though Nicholas was a bit overwhelmed, he did not know whom to call.
And Euijoo still didn’t reply to his e-mail.
So, Nicholas called one name.
“Hello?”
Wait. Huh?
“Yudai?”
Yudai sounded different.
“Who—wait, Nicholas?”
“...Fuma?”
Nicholas looked back at his screen, the numbers and name clearly indicated that he had called Yudai. Why the hell was Fuma answering his call?
“Uh. Yeah? I—Yudai, it’s Nicholas,” Nicholas, of course, remembered exactly how Fuma’s sounded. Deep, a little bit gruff. He smiled, hearing a commotion through the line—it’s Yudai—and later, another familiar voice.
“Nicholas!” Yudai shrieked, dramatically. Nicholas had to pull his phone a little bit further from his ear. “It’s really you? Nicholas?” Yudai’s higher voice rang, it brought another thing Nicholas just realized; he missed his friends here.
“Yeah. It’s me. Uh, sorry, this is my new number,” awkward, Nicholas didn’t know what to say. “Long time no see, Yudai, Fuma. I—” Nicholas gulped, “I missed you, guys.”
Nicholas wanted to say sorry, yet Yudai just bombarded him with questions, asking about his wellbeing (very Yudai), about his life, occasionally, Fuma laughed in the background—Nicholas didn’t ask further, he knew—and their conversation finally landed back on Nicholas;
“I am in Tokyo, right now.”
Nicholas expected Yudai to babble and pestering him to meet, yet after he told Yudai, Nicholas met with silence.
“Yudai?”
“I—oh, sorry. You’re really in Tokyo? Right now?”
“Yes. Uh—actually, I want to ask,” Nicholas stuttered a bit, “could you give me Euijoo’s new number? He e-mailed me a few times, but he didn’t reply. It has been three days.”
He heard Fuma mumble things, followed by Yudai muffled ‘Fuma, it’s—please. I can’t.’ Nicholas grew suspicious over the conversation they had, so he added, “Well, I understand if you can’t. I just—uh, wanna talk to him. Since he sent me those e-mails first.”
“Nicholas, Yixiang,” Yudai rarely used his birthname when they talked—only when it’s something very serious. Hearing the older person call him Yixiang made Nicholas anxious. Yudai continued, “we can’t give you Euijoo’s number. I am sorry.”
There it goes. Nicholas swallowed the bile in his throat.
“Oh. Right. Okay. Could you please, I dunno, maybe help me to relay my message to him?” Maybe, Nicholas thought, maybe Euijoo told their friends not to give any information about him to Nicholas. But, it’s Euijoo who e-mailed him first.
“No—Nicholas. I can’t.”
Nicholas was confused by Yudai’s answer.
“Nicholas, are you sure—those e-mails, are from Euijoo?” Yudai asked him, sounding too careful with his soft tone. Nicholas couldn’t really understand what’s all about this?
“Wh—what? Why? Of course. I can send you the screenshot if you want,” Nicholas’s grip on his phone was getting tighter. Did someone play with him? Did anyone use Euijoo’s e-mail to make a fool out of him? Nicholas gritted his teeth. “Yudai, just fucking tell me,” he’s trying not to be rude or demanding, yet Yudai sounded too wary and was dragging things out too long.
“Sorry, Nicholas…but let’s meet. We can’t talk this through the phone.”
And then, he waited. After Nicholas sent Yudai his hotel address, Nicholas anxiously waited for Yudai (and most likely, Fuma would be tagging along). He sat on the bed, biting his lip in confusion. Why didn’t Yudai give him the answer straight? Nicholas didn’t want to assume things—but, somehow, his head went away collecting all the what-ifs. He’s staring at the window, and the creeping pain throbbed in his skull.
Getting frustrated more and more, until finally, he heard someone knocking on his door. Nicholas almost jumped, he ran to open the door and was greeted by two familiar figures.
Before Nicholas could open his mouth, Yudai threw himself to hug Nicholas.
“Nicholas, sorry.”
Yudai sobbed on his shoulder. What?
“Yudai—hey, what’s wrong?” Nicholas turned his head, confused. Fuma looked away after their eyes met.
✉
Byun Euijoo passed away a year ago.
Nicholas stood in front of the empty apartment that was their home. His hand was trembling when punching the code—still the same, still that combination he made because Euijoo was very forgetful. Seven-nine-nine-seven, Juju, our birthday. Nicholas pushed the door open. He could hear the welcome home, Nichol, and almost, almost could smell Euijoo’s favorite perfume in the air.
Euijoo passed away a year ago, in an accident, when he was going home after work.
Nicholas turned on the light, finally getting a clearer view of the now-empty apartment. White cloth covered the sofa and table, collecting dust after a year. As he walked, his fingers traced the wallpaper. It’s still the same, everything was intact like three years ago when he left. Nicholas turned his head, and he caught the wall full of their photographs. Hanging with frames, still the same.
Euijoo insisted on living here, he was heartbroken and refused to let go of all his things, Nicholas.
Euijoo waited for him.
Euijoo, you know him, was trying to contact you, but it didn’t go through. He’s using a scheduled mailing system—I think. We didn’t know that those e-mails were delivered to you. But we knew back then that Euijoo was missing you and wanted to talk to you.
Nicholas walked slowly, as if he were afraid he would shatter the whole apartment with his steps. Until he reached an altar near the window. It’s Euijoo’s photo, standing in the center.
The last thing he asked was, he didn’t want to leave this apartment. He said, “What if Nicholas comes back and searches for his boots, or his clothes?”
“I don’t need those things, Juju,” Nicholas croaked, reaching for Euijoo’s photo and dusting it off. “Silly—I am sorry,” and he choked, let the tears fall.
Yudai told him everything. We couldn’t reach you, Nicholas. We’re so sorry we failed to tell you about Euijoo. It made Nicholas hate himself more. He knelt in front of Euijoo’s altar and put the photograph back in the center. Yudai said, maybe Euijoo scheduled lots of e-mails, he wondered how to talk to you. It’s only you, Nicholas, the one Euijoo wanted to talk about everything.
“God. Juju, now I know why you didn’t reply back,” wet chuckle slipped out his lips. “How the hell can I tell you about my days, then? I can’t send you e-mails there. How can I tell you that—shit—Juju, I missed you. I am missing you,” he laughed, choked on his tears, and coughed.
Then, his phone buzzed quietly.
Nicholas pulled the phone out of his pocket.
E-mail from: Byun Euijoo
Subject: (no subject)
The notification blinked.
Nicholas rubbed his eyes and laughed.
✉✉✉