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barbara meant well. she always did. but sometimes meaning well just isn’t enough.
because even though how heartily she tries to search for god in every possible situation, it seems like the lord hasn’t been searching barbara that hard. not with the way her life has been spiraling to complete chaos in the past week. and barbara howard always makes sure she’s in control of things, having a complete hold over every single detail and problem in her life. she wouldn’t say it was easy, but she wouldn’t admit to struggling either. that’s how she was raised, how she was taught to be. always vigilant, head held up high and never cry, never ask for help unless it’s a life or death situation. well, gerald’s health almost turned to a life or death situation.
so when this morning when she lighted a simple candle to lift her own mood and pray to the lord the last thing she needed was a fire to start out.
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melissa just sits there all day and pretends to not see barbara struggle because she knows barbara needs it at times, for her own problems to not be painted out to be this huge thing, for them to remain quiet. and she appreciates melissa for it. for knowing when to reach out and when to remain distant to certain topics. but this isn’t the time to remain distant, no ma’am. not when she listens to the words that leave barbara’s mouth and see the way she holds herself.
“… you want to take it away from me, well. that is unfair and ridiculous.”
oh no. oh no.
“good job ‘little fires everywhere’. you really helped calm things down.” and melissa bolts out of the classroom right after barbara.
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inside the classroom is somehow worse. barbara can’t shut her own mind for good, like she always does. and it is all too much to handle, even for herself. the whole week with taking gerald to the hospital in a rush, staying there with him after school, gina and taylor coming over to support her, feeling guilty for being a burden to her own kids, constant fatigue and headaches, fights that hit a little below the belt with her daughters and now this. this fire that she is responsible for and it is like barbara can’t even hold her own body up any longer. she is so tired and so fed up from having to be constantly strong for everyone to see and appreciate and look up to, her kids at home, kids at school, her own husband, the young teachers at work. everyone. she has to stand up tall and look brave and sure of herself, sure of everything that she does when she is not sure of every single one of her acts and decisions. and her whole life she had to step up to the expectations she set so herself and remain tall for everyone. well, everyone but-
melissa. who walks into the room mere minutes after her.
“hey barb.” melissa makes sure her voice is soft, like the one she uses for her students when they’re having a hard time at class. and she can’t even bare to see barbara like this, hurt and uncomfortable. something is wrong, she needs to know what. “hey, don’t worry about that meeting. that was a farce.” as she walks over to barbara standing there, hands hugging her own figure.
“hey you want something to cheer you up?” because melissa can’t come up with anything else this very moment. “take a look at these pictures of me with the fire truck, huh?” she is aware that it is not the best thing to do but it’s the only thing she can. “hard to be mad when i look that good.” melissa turns her phone as barbara leans into her with her back.
“your hair matches the truck… marvelous.” it’s not working. barbara’s voice is so strained and melissa feels so helpless. barbara doesn’t turn around to face her either. she tilts her head as she asks, “you wanna talk about it?”
“i’m fine.” another aloof response. “okay.” melissa sighs out as she seeks for the other woman’s dark brown eyes. and barbara does end up turning around after all.
“been dealing with gerald’s health.” the words are quick, like she wants to hide away their meaning. oh. melissa’s face falls in a breath.
“barb…” her gaze is locked onto the woman and she can feel her own heart palpitate like thunder through her veins. barbara looks away briefly and keeps going. “we had a prostate situation.” and she can feel the weight of her heart well into her tears, feeling lighter but raw.
“oh, no.” melissa’s hand reaches for her arm and barbara revels in it, seeking the warmth of her comfort. god knows she needs it. “oh, my gosh. is he okay?” and melissa doesn’t know if she even wants to hear the answer.
“yeah,” barbara sighs out quickly, “talked with his doctor this morning, said he is in the clear.”
“oh, thank god.” melissa can breathe again.
“but those psa numbers came back high and he needs to stay in the hospital for one more night.” barbara feels guilty at best. and she can’t even locate why. it’s like feeling her rib cage open up inside her body and watch as her heart pours out. “and, y-you know, the past few days just waiting to find out the results,” she inhales shakily. “it’s been stressful.” her voice pitches up a bit and she can already feel the tears burning her eyes.
“of course. i’m so sorry. i’m sorry i didn’t know.” melissa is kicking herself because she didn’t know and didn’t ask earlier. she watches barbara take a few more breaths and play with the fabric of her sweater.
“well, all i could do was light my candle and pray. and look where that got me.” barbara gestures her hand around the classroom and hopes for her feelings to keep themselves bottled up until she’s alone. melissa hums at her response, her thumb circles barbara’s arm as she words her thoughts out.
“you know it’s not your fault,” but barbara’s face doesn’t look convincing at all, “right, barb?” melissa holds her other arm and turns barbara to herself, fully. barbara’s eyes are fixed to the teacher ID hanging on melissa’s neck. her hands let go of her own body and hang loose on her sides now as she chokes out a sniff. and then she speaks, avoiding melissa’s gaze. “it’s just- in the last week everything feels like it’s… drifting out of my hand and- out of my control-” barbara sobs quietly.
“aw baby, baby come here-” melissa crowds barbara’s space as her arms snake around her waist and hold her close because she needs this. she needs barbara close.
and barbara hugs her back, desperate. her hands grab onto melissa’s shoulders and she buries her neck to the fabric of her green top, cooling her heart down with the smell of her scent. “and i don’t like being out of control- i don’t-” her words are an incoherent mess as melissa brushes her hair with one hand. “i know hon, i know.” melissa’s heart crumbles to pieces. barbara, like this, it was so unlikely and she just wanted to help her friend. her friend that she tries not to let her feelings get in the way of. because melissa knew that barbara could and would never love her back, not in the way she wants her to. but that is okay, has to be.
they stay like that for a few minutes, holding onto each other, barbara hiding her face and soaking melissa’s sweater with her tears. and then, carefully she pulls back while sniffing her nose and extracts her arms from melissa’s body swiftly like she’s live wire. she groans, “i’m sorry melissa i didn’t mean to-”
barbara’s makeup around her eyes is heavily smudged, her lipstick staining the side of her mouth and melissa can count the times she has ever seen barbara this disheveled with the fingers of one hand. and she just wants to kiss her, but that’s not the right thought in this very moment. so melissa shushes barbara’s apologies by reaching out a hand to cup her cheek. barbara flinches at first but gives in, letting the other woman wipe the smudged mascara underneath her eyes. “don’t ever apologize to me for having emotions barbara howard.” melissa’s voice isn’t stern but steady. she looks into her huge brown eyes with sweet bitterness.
barbara tries to force out a smile but then her eyes catch the spot her face had just left on melissa’s light green sweater, now stained with black remnants of her eyeliner. “oh no mel-” her hand immediately reaches forward to try and rub it out but melissa takes her wrist, holding her hand in her own as the other lingers on barbara’s face. suddenly it’s intimate, too much, melissa can’t focus when barbara looks at her with those doe brown eyes and her mind goes blank. she inhales shakily and draws a single circle with her thumb just on top of barbara’s cheek. she can swear barbara’s breath hitches for a second there.
“okay…” melissa huffs out, “how about this, after school i take you to the hospital to see gerald, together?” barbara’s eyes water further as she nods firmly. “and if you don’t feel comfortable during teaching or just the rest of the day just come over to my classroom, okay? i have double free periods anyway, my kids have p.e.”
barbara cups melissa’s hand on top of her cheek and gives it a warm squeeze. “thank you sweetheart. that sounds swell.” both of their hands are in front now, holding each other and melissa doesn’t want to let her go. she wants to keep barbara tucked away somewhere safe in her heart till she feels like herself again, till she’s sure she’s ready to face the world in the way barbara always does. and as she looks over to barbara’s gorgeous face, smeared with tears, she just wants to kiss her on the lips.
barbara runs her fingertips over her own face now. “mhm, i need to clean this up…” her voice is throaty and she is already taking a step back.
“you want me to help?”melissa doesn’t want to sound like she’s pushing. they’re never this vulnerable together anyway and the last thing she wishes for is for it to turn out awkward.
“no… i think i can do that by myself.”
“okay barb… no pressure… i’ll wait for you after school.”
barbara hums in response as melissa turns around to leave the classroom, head swimming with thought.
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melissa doesn’t have to wait long by the exit after school for barbara to show up. the taller woman doesn’t say anything, just gives a tight smile. so melissa doesn’t push it and they just don’t exchange any words. not on their way, not in the car. the only thing melissa says is “it’s gonna be okay barb.” when she notices barbara wiping a silent tear from her eyes and grabs her hand on her thigh. melissa’s hand doesn’t remain there long, though she wants it to.
they’re silent as melissa parks the car, as they walk into the hospital and up to gerald’s room. gina and taylor are already there. melissa greets them with warm smiles as barbara walk over to gerald, lying on the hospital bed and he looks exhausted. melissa’s heart breaks at the face barbara makes when she walks over to her husband. she can’t begin to comprehend how hard it must be for her, for them all. gerald is going to be okay after all but stuff like this are never easy.
melissa watches barbara kiss the top of gerald’s head then peck at his lips. she tries to not focus too much on how her lips move over his skin. she tries not to let the guilt get mixed with shame and jealousy. because melissa simply has no right over this woman, no rights.
taylor walks over to melissa’s side. melissa gives her arm a warm squeeze. “hey mel.” taylor tries to sound strong but melissa can see through it. “hiya taylor. good to see you… wish it was under different circumstances tho.”
“yeah me too…” taylor’s eyes scan the ground, looking over to her parents and then to melissa, turning to face the redhead. she lowers both her voice and head before she speaks, “look melissa i was gonna ask… since you’re here…” melissa can sense her tension. she squeezes her arm gently before she speaks, “it’s okay hon… you can tell me anything.”
“i was thinking if you could convince mom to go home tonight… she’s already done whatever she can and i know she’s tired. i keep telling her me and gina are here and she needs rest but she just doesn’t listen… i just thought maybe she would hear you out, i don’t know… she’s been staying here every night for the last three days.” taylor’s words are quick but it doesn’t take long for them to sink in and melissa’s eyes to widen.
“she’s been doing what? no wonder- dio… okay hon i will talk to her. thank you for letting me know.” melissa gives taylor a tight brief smile and watches the girl relax. she tries to think of ways to convince barbara to go home and just take care of herself, god knows she needs it.
half an hour or so ticks away silently, the girls get some coffee from the vending machine, barbara sits next to gerald on the bed and speaks to him softly, melissa rests on one of the seats. barbara is more calm now, more enclosed. she has wiped most of her makeup off before leaving school and she has little to no accessory on. if it were to barbara she’d say she looks hideous and tired. but melissa can’t take her eyes away. barbara looks otherworldly, like peace.
after a while barbara comes and sits next to melissa as the girls take their sides next to their father.
“hey.”
“hey.”
“barb… can we talk?”
“yeah sure sweetheart, what is it?” it’s like barbara is trying to hide from her, hide away her own face and tears and struggle. like she’s already let her see too much and can’t handle more. melissa doesn’t like that inkling feeling.
“can we talk… outside maybe?” barbara turns to her now, her face is unreadable but she stands up and leads the way out the room to the uncrowded corridor. melissa thinks it’s best to be straightforward, get to the point.
“so, taylor told me you have been staying here with gerald for the last three nights.” she uses her best soft voice but she can’t stop barb’s face from falling. “gerald needs me.” barbara whispers, like she has to prove something to herself.
melissa sighs, she wants to reach out for barbara, to tell her how she needs herself too, how she matters, and how much melissa cares about her. she swallows instead. “the girls have offered to stay too, as i’ve heard.”
“yeah but that’s different.” barbara sighs, looking to the ground to avoid melissa’s tender gaze that she can’t handle this very moment. the younger woman speaks then, “how is it different barb? they are your kids, let the girls be there for you. let them help you… you deserve it hon. just- go home tonight.” melissa’s arm reaches out to stop barbara from ruining the skin of her hands. the older woman looks up now, first to their hands on top of each other and then into melissa’s green eyes. something barbara can’t admit to herself is how much she loves when melissa touches her, comforts her and tells her all the right things she needs to hear. deep in her heart, she knows there are things she denies and will continue to deny for the rest of her life but she can’t think about that. not when her husband lies in the bed just through the door. “i can’t-” she mutters, stepping even closer to melissa.
“look barb i know you don’t wanna leave… but ya need to rest baby. you deserve it more than anyone. and you did everything you can. and now gerald needs rest, with her daughters. and so do you.”
melissa’s words hit barbara like a truck, stinging her eyes with brimming tears. she doesn’t want to cry, not again but melissa’s hand is already stroking up and down her arm and it’s so soothing, so warm to let herself be like this, open, scared. to admit that she is scared.
melissa keeps close to barbara, stroking her hand up and down her arm, feeling the warmth of her underneath her palm. when barbara refuses to look at her she whispers once again, “just promise me you’ll let me drive you home.” but barbara is already stifling her sobs, a single tear gliding down her face. she keeps her hands at her sides as she leans forward and rests her forehead on melissa’s shoulder. melissa gasps. “the house will just be so empty.” barbara’s voice is so low, raspy.
oh. oh no. melissa’s hand instinctively wrap around the other woman’s back and tug her closer. and she whispers into barbara’s hair without thinking twice. “i can stay with you if you like.”
barbara pulls back suddenly and grabs melissa’s waist with both hands, the grasp is instictive, thoughtless. melissa tries not to whine at the gentle contact. barb’s pupils are huge, melissa can make them out from this distance and she just wants to kiss the tops of her eyes, her brows, the curve of her lashes… barbara speaks. “you would do that for me?” barbara sounds like she doesn’t believe it and melissa can’t hold herself back anymore. she raises her head and grazes her lips oh so softly to the flesh of barbara’s cheek. her lips remain there for a second and melissa tries to engrave the warmth of her skin to memory.
she pulls back to a wide eyed barbara. “i’d do anything for you.” is all that leaves her mouth. she tries not to focus on the bolting of her heart as barbara’s gaze goes soft and she squeezes melissa’s waist momentarily before letting go and retreat to the room.
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it’s not the end of the world, melissa thinks on the way to barbara’s house. it’s not like they haven’t stayed together before. every year at pecsa. on nights when barbara refuses to let melissa drive herself that lead up to her staying over. that one time when taylor and gina were smaller and gerald was out of town for 3 days. when melissa was getting a divorce, a little over a week at mel’s place, on and off. gerald would even chime in occasionally. so surely, it isn’t the end of the world.
barbara walks in first, followed by melissa. they put away their cloaks in the hanger as barbara hangs the keys in the ring. melissa makes the other woman sit on one of the stools and puts some warm tea in front of her as she watches melissa dance around her kitchen in familiar ease. it’s languidly domestic, from the way the enclosed space floods with the smell of melissa’s pasta sauce, to how easy it feels to laugh at any joke melissa makes.
everytime barbara tries to get up and help, melissa says something like, “let me take care of you barb.” or “you don’t need to handle everyone all the time. you need some caring too.” and it would be only just to say that it is affecting barbara. melissa moves around in her home like she has been living here with her for the last 10 years, she cooks quickly and she loves to do so, something barbara never enjoyed much. she knows where every utensil, every ingredient is placed, like she does this every night. she beams at barbara, a drowsy smile covering her face as she hands over the plate of hot pasta. they eat in silence, gazing over at each other from time to time. and to say the pasta is delicious would be an understatement. barbara feels the mellow texture of tomato sauce mixed with spices on her tongue, lets it bloom and delight her taste buds.
after dinner they load the dishwasher together, the redhead allows her that at least. melissa tries to ignore the brushing of their fingers as she rinses the plates and hands them over to barbara to place into the machine. they walk upstairs, one after the other. melissa knows the way to her bedroom. the simplicity of it all scares them both, how effortless it is to ease into this dynamic, as if they do it every single night.
barbara hands over some of her clothes to melissa for her to change into. the redhead retreats to the en-suite bathroom in the corner. she locks the door and takes off her green top to get herself to breathe. because the suffocating feeling is still there, never leaves her when she‘s alone, with barbara, in such close proximity. her eyes find her own in the mirror, her palms grab the concrete of the sink in a deadly hold. she watches her knuckles turn pale then trails her gaze to the reds of her eyes. something is different there, just there in the gleaming of her gaze. she can’t place what, or why. but it makes her feel safer somehow. makes her feel like she can continue doing whatever she previously was.
melissa washes her face, wipes off her makeup and puts on barbara’s clothes. she can’t help but tug the collar closer to her nose, allowing herself a sniff, smelling the scent of barbara’s soap, vague remnants of her perfume and whatever is left of the feeling of her skin. then she steps out.
barbara is sitting at the edge of the bed, looking down at her feet. is this the right thing to do? is the thought weighing in on her conscious at the moment. feels like her heart will crawl out of her mouth if she doesn’t worry about gerald every waking minute and let her thoughts drift elsewhere. her face is already clean of any paint and one could say she looks worn-down but all melissa sees as she walks over to her is the softness of her skin, the beautiful curve of her lips that she longs to touch. melissa has her day clothes tucked to her chest in a mangled mess as she steps over to the door, murmuring low to barbara. “i’ll just go-”
barbara’s silky, gentle voice stops her in her tracks. “can you maybe-” she doesn’t word it, because she can’t. but it’s loud enough for melissa to know. the younger woman turns to her, she braces her clothes to her chest with more force, looking for the strength she needs in some pieces of cloth. the meaning of barbara’s words are unyielding. the emptiness of the bed beside her is too cold. too evident. too loud even. and melissa doesn’t need to hear her say it. she drops the bundle of clothes in her arms to the ground, unceremoniously. and she walks over to the bed, circling it and lies down on gerald’s side. barbara tries not to put much thought to it, fails nonetheless. but she can’t sleep alone, not tonight. especially not in this frozen bed she shares with her husband every night.
and they just lie there, silently. the warmth emanating from barbara’s body is terrifying. melissa doesn’t move an inch under the sheets, face up like a statue. well, that’s until barbara turns to her side under the covers, sleepy, and reaches out for melissa’s body with hesitance. she wraps her hands around melissa’s torso and pulls her in closer. melissa’s breath gets caught up in her throat. “thank you sweetheart. you’ve been the best.” barbara says exactly what she feels, and melissa thanks her for that.
barbara rests her head against melissa’s chest, listening to the rapid beat of her heart. melissa’s hands run through her short brown hair. she doesn’t try to get too caught up in it. her arm under barbara is going to be sore in the morning but in this moment it is irrelevant. what matters is hearing barbara mumble “thank you.” once more and the feeling of her soft fingertips against her side. she inhales deeply and keeps the tears prickling her eyes at bay. neither of the women are ever this open, this tender. it’s new, even for their friendship and barbara takes comfort in that.
melissa feels barbara’s knees brush her shin and carefully listens her breathing as it slows down, turning into deep intakes of air. and just like that, they’re curled up, finding comfort in each other’s embrace. melissa murmurs quietly, “i love you barb.” thinking the woman in her arms is fast asleep. but without missing a beat she hears barbara’s low hum. “i love you too mel.”
and for a moment, barbara can lend the weight of her heavy heart for melissa to hold and drift off to sleep without worry.