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It starts with the funeral, Lucy doesn’t know why she’s here. She’s in the back hidden by the people in front of her. She has her hood up, and she listens to the preacher talk about Martin. The thing is—she didn’t know Martin. She didn’t know that he collected stamps, she didn’t know that he ran a few miles everyday for his mom who died a few months before from cancer. She didn’t know that the maintenance job was the 1st job he had gotten since being off work for awhile.
She didn’t know that.
She knows what she did was in self defense. She knows she could be the one in the casket, and everyone would be talking about her.
But still—
It wasn’t his fault he was poisoned and out of his mind. It wasn’t his fault he attacked Lucy.
God.
She looks up and sees a older man touch the casket. It must be his father, he sees a younger man who looks like him touch the man’s back and lead him away.
She sighs and turns around and keeps her head down. She doesn’t look up until she hears his voice.
“Lucy.” She looks up and sees Tim leaning against his truck, his arms across his chest. “What are you doing here?”
She shrugs. She thought going to the funeral would make her feel better. It would make her feel something other than regret and sadness. But it made it worse.
“I don’t know.” She says approaching him. She didn’t tell him where she was going, she just left the house early that morning. “I thought it would—”
“What?” He asks. “Make you feel…” He trails off. Lucy sighs and steps closer to him, Tim had been her constant through this whole thing.
“He sounded like a good man.” She says. “I wish this hadn’t happened to him.” Tim pulls her in and presses a kiss to the top of her head.
“You did what you had to do Lucy. Otherwise….” he trails off again getting a haunted look on his face. She knows he can’t talk about it. They can’t talk about it. But she knows he has seen the footage.
“Otherwise I would be dead.” She finishes for him. Tim winces and she wraps her arms around his neck.
“Thankfully you are not.” He says. “And you will be cleared and back to work—”
“What if I don’t want to come back?” She asks. Tim frowns at her, and this really isn’t the place to have this conversation.
“What?” He asks. “Lucy, you—” He pauses and shakes his head.
“Maybe I just need to think.” She says. “Maybe my parents are right. This isn’t the job for me.” Tim is frowning even more. She gives him another kiss and then backs away.
“Lucy—” He says but she shakes her head. This would be a discussion for later. At home.
“Later.” She says. “I’ll see you at home.” And without another word, she turns and walks to her car.
***
“How’s Lucy doing?” Nolan asks Tim as they change into their uniform. “I have never seen her—”
“She’s fine.” Tim says quickly remembering finding her at the cemetery wondering why she went to the man’s funeral and then her telling him she wasn’t sure if she wanted to be a cop anymore. “She’s getting there.”
“Everyone handles it differently.” Nolan says. “Lucy is strong and resilient. She will figure it out.” Tim nods and starts to button up his shirt. They didn’t talk about it when they were at home, in fact they didn’t really talk.
It was a weird silence that Tim didn’t like. He wasn’t going to push her to talk, that would be the last thing she needed but—
She just wasn’t herself, she was always sitting on her phone scrolling and looking at god knows what.
He’s pretty sure she would be cleared in a few days but he wasn’t sure she would be ready to come back.
He sighs softly and takes out his phone to send her a text. He just wants her to know he would be there for her. He wants her to know he loves her, no matter what she decides to do.
Tim: I love you. I am here if you need to talk.
Lucy: I love you too.
***
Lucy hears the front door open and close and she puts down the yarn that she is trying to crochet She looked it up on YouTube, and she was getting the hang of it. She had almost crocheted a whole scarf.
“Lucy?” She looks up to see Tim standing in front of her. “What are you doing?”
“Well,” she says and she doesn’t stop putting the needles through. She couldn’t loses her momentum. “If I don’t want to be a cop anymore I thought I would take up a new hobby.”
“And what are you doing right now?” Tim asks and he looks more amused than anything.
“Crocheting.” She says. “Come here.” She holds up the scarf when he comes closer. “It matches your eyes.”
Tim raises his eyebrows. “Thats for me?” He asks. “Why crocheting? And when did you decide—”
“I haven’t.” She says. “But if I—I want to have a backup plan. I want to be able to find something I love again.”
“Lucy,” Tim says sitting next to her. “You are going to be cleared. And you will go back. Okay? I know this is hard.”
“But what if it’s not the same?” Lucy asks. “What if everything has changed and I have changed. I didn’t ever want to take a life Tim.”
“It won’t be the same.” Tim says calmly. “And you won’t be the same but that’s okay. It’s going to make you stronger Lucy. It’s going to make you see things differently. Remember when I said I had to show you the world was a terrible place?”
“Yeah.”
“Well sometimes terrible things happen and you have to just move forward.” He says. “It’s not going to be perfect.”
“What if too much has changed?” She asks softly. She continues to crochet. It’s calming to her, but she knows Tim is still confused by this. “What if I’m not the same cop I was? I just don’t know.”
“You don’t have to rush any Luce. Just don’t make a decision now.” Tim says. Lucy sighs but nods and holds the scarf up again.
“You can wear it tomorrow.” She says. “To work.” Tim blinks at her, but she ignores it and continues to crochet.
She can’t control the Martin situation but she can control this and that’s what counts.
***
“Nice scarf Tim.” Angela says giving him a amused look. “It’s 80 degrees out.” Tim pulls the scarf off and rolls his eyes.
“Lucy made it for me. Told me I had to wear it work.” He says. He still feels uneasy about the conversation they had yesterday. It seemed like she had made her decision and Tim wasn’t sure it was what she wanted.
She seemed to be making the decision on what she thought was right. And he didn’t want to rush or push her.
“She’s making scarves now?” Angela asks. “She’s that bored?” Tim shrugs and he's not sure it’s boredom more like she isn’t sure where to go next.
“She just needs to be distracted.” He says. “She doesn’t know what she wants next and—” He shakes his head.
“Well she should be cleared soon.” Angela says. “And once she gets back, she will know what to do.”
Tim really hopes she’s right.
***
“Lucy?” She looks up from where she’s forming the cookie dough. She pauses when she sees Tim look around the mess in the kitchen. “You are baking now?”
“I’m getting pretty good at it.” Lucy says. She goes to the other side and comes back with a cookie. “Try it.” She hands it to him and he takes a bite.
“It’s good.” He says. “What happened to crocheting?” Lucy shrugs and looks over at her abandoned project. Crocheting was fun but it took too much of her energy and she was bored easily. She at least got one scarf out of it.
“Did everyone like your scarf?” She asks him. Tim stares at her and then comes around the counter and stops her from what she is doing.
“I’m worried about you Lucy.” He says. “You don’t need to prove you are good at other things. You are a good cop. You did what you had to do. Okay?”
“What if my parents were right?” Lucy asks. “What if they were right. They said they knew this would happen and I should have stuck to what I knew. I shouldn’t have veered off.”
“Did you talk to your parents?” Tim asks. Lucy nods and drops her head down.
“My mom called. She started lecturing me, she didn’t even ask how I was. She just said she felt bad for Martin’s family.” Lucy says. Tim lifts her chin up.
“When did they call Luce?” He asks. It’s all starting to make sense, her parents planted a seed of doubt in her mind.
“Before the funeral.” She whispers. “It’s one of the reasons I wanted to go. My mom had all these opinions. She didn’t care that I was okay. She told me I should be ashamed of myself.”
“Oh Lucy.” He mutters. She doesn’t look at him, just lets her words wash over her.
“I just don’t know what to do anymore. And I know you don’t understand. I know it seems crazy and you can just bounce back. But I… can’t. I just want to get his face out of my head.”
Tim studies her for a second and brings her forward. “You are right. I don’t understand this. Everyone handles this situation differently.” He says and puts his fingers under her chin. “You will get through this and if you need a break from work to figure it out then that’s okay.”
“Really?” She asks. “You will support my pointless and failed hobbies.” Tim nods and she gives him a smile, it’s weak but it’s there.
“Yes.” He says. “And your cookies are pretty good.” But Lucy shakes her head and gestures around the kitchen.
“It’s too messy.” She says. “I’ll think of something else.” Tim presses a kiss to her head and she steps back to start cleaning up.
She would be okay. She would be okay.
***
“Hey Bradford.” Tim turns to see Smitty walking towards him. “These cookies are delicious. Where did you get them?” He holds up a half eaten cookie, Lucy had asked him to bring them to work. She made way too many, more than either of them could eat and she decided baking wasn’t for her.
“Lucy made them.” He says. “But don’t expect more because she has moved on from that.” Smitty lets out a sigh of disappointment and walks away. Tim rolls his eyes and starts to walk away too when another voice stops him.
“Hey.” He looks up and sees Lucy standing there. Her hair is pulled back and she looks a little lighter than she has in days. “What are you doing here?”
“Nolan called me in.” She says. “They finished the investigation and I was cleared. I can return to work tomorrow.”
“Oh.” Tim says cautiously. “How do you feel?”
“How am I suppose to feel?” She asks. “It still happened. I still see his face every night. I don’t know—”
“That’s okay.” He says. “There’s no rush Luce.” Lucy nods and then smiles at him.
“It doesn’t matter right now.” She says. “I have to go. I am trying a bird watching club today.”
Tim raises his eyebrows. “Really?” He asks. “You want to do that?” He kind of understood crocheting and baking but bird watching?
“I can’t say until I tried it.” She says. “I’ll see you later.” And without another word she walks off and he’s alone.
Bird watching.
Who would have thought…
***
Lucy groans as she puts the ointment on her arm and then her leg. Stupid poison ivy. Why did she have to fall into the one bush… the one bush that had poison ivy and made her miserable.
“Lucy! How was bird watching—” Lucy looks up and sees Tim frozen in his spot. He looks her up and down. “What the hell happened?”
“Poison ivy.” She grumbles. “I tripped and fell. All the birds scattered and I was kicked out of the group.” Tim looks at her like she’s grown two heads.
“After one day?” He asks.
“After one hour.” She replies back. It was awful, and she knows now bird watching isn’t for her. She loves nature and she loves hiking with Tim but—
“Oh god Lucy.” Tim says coming over and taking the ointment from her. “Are you okay?”
“I’ve been better and less itchy.” She says. “I’ll survive.” Tim shakes his head and puts some of the ointment on his finger and the gently applies it to the rash.
“So no bird watching?” He asks. She shakes her head and watches as he rubs his hand up and down her leg.
“No bird watching.” She confirms. Tim pauses what he is doing and looks at her with a soft look.
“I’m not saying this to rush you or push you.” He says. “But do you think you are doing all these things to distract yourself from what happened?”
It had crossed Lucy’s mind that was exactly what she was doing. But she didn’t want to admit it. She wasn’t ready to move forward quite yet.
“Maybe.” She says softly. “But maybe I am also just not ready.” Tim nods and she knows he understands. Maybe not fully but he is trying to go at her pace.
“That’s okay.” He says. “The job will be there when and if you decide to come back.” Lucy nods and she scoots closer to him. It’s a little painful to move but she manages to do it. He wraps an arm around her shoulders.
And she’s grateful that out of everything that has changed and moved. Tim is her one constant, he never gives up on her and he’s patient.
And that’s one thing she could count on.
***
“Did I hear Lucy went bird watching yesterday?” Angela asks coming into his office. Tim grimaces thinking of the rash up and down her legs and arms.
“Yes. But it didn’t go well.” He says. Angela gives him a look. “Don’t ask.”
“Okay.” Angela says. “And how are you doing?”
“I’m fine.” He says. “I prefer the crocheting and baking but—” He shrugs and flips through a folder of papers.
“Is she coming back?” Angela asks. Tim sighs and puts the pen down. That was a loaded question. He hopes Lucy comes back, but he just doesn’t know.
“I don’t know.” He says honestly. “She’s struggling Angela. And I’m not going to push her. That’s the last thing she needs.”
Angela nods in understanding. “You just do good by her.” Angela says. “She’s struggling will be okay.”
“She will be okay.” Tim repeats back as if it’s going to make it true. “She will be okay.”
***
This was it. This was her next move. She carefully puts the beads on the string and then ties it together.
Making jewelry this was it.
She puts the finished one aside and picks up another string and some beads. She slides the beads on the string. They immediately fall off, she makes a frustrated noise.
“Damnit.” She mutters. She could do this. She slides the beads back on and they stay much to his relief.
She hums softly as she continues. This was calming and she likes it. She just has to get good at it.
The front door opens and she looks up to see Tim walking towards her. “Another hobby?” He asks. “Are these bracelets?” He picks one up and she nods. She finds the one she made specifically for him and stands up so she can slide it on his wrist.
“I made this for you.” She says. She stands on her toes and presses a kiss to his cheek. “Do you like it?”
“It’s great.” He says. “Thank you.” Lucy nods and continues to work on the bracelet.
“You are welcome.” She says. “You don’t have to wear it. I just was practicing.” Tim shakes his head, and his eyes are sparkling a little.
“I’m your guinea pig.” He says. Lucy shrugs and pats his cheek. She feels a little happier than she has in days. But he’s not wrong—the scarf, the cookies, the bracelet.
“I guess you are.” She says. “I guess you are.”
***
Tim walks into the living room the next morning to see Lucy stretched out. She has her eyes closed and she is humming slightly.
“Uh.” He says. “What’s this?” Lucy opens one eye and the other. She stands back up and smiles at him.
“Yoga.” She says. “I’m just stretching before I go into work.” Tim’s heart starts pounding in his chest as Lucy goes into another pose.
“You are going back to work?” He asks and he feels a little happier than he has in a long time. And it’s not just because his girlfriend is doing yoga in the middle of their living room in just a sports bra and leggings. Lucy doesn’t reply right away. She takes a deep breath, and then motions him to come closer.
He does although it’s a little reluctantly. “Sit.” She says. “Join me and then we will talk.” Tim wants to protest but he’s so mesmerized by her.
“Okay.” He agrees. He sits down and copies her pose. “What are we suppose to—”
“Clear your mind Tim.” She says. “Don’t think about anything else but what is right in front of you.”
He looks over at her, and swallows hard. Lucy is right in front of him and she’s glowing. He loves her.
She is everything to him, and seeing her so broken and hurt. Seeing her like that and not being able to do anything about it.
She was slowly coming back to herself, and he was so happy to see it. He knows it hasn’t been easy for her.
“Okay. Move to warrior pose.” Lucy says and Tim looks over at her. She has one foot on the side of her leg and her hands in front of her.
Tim tries to do the same but then gives up once he realizes he’s not gong to hold his balance. “Go to downward dog.” Lucy says not looking over at him but he can telling she’s smiling. Lucy moves to downward dog and Tim does too.
It’s a few minutes later before she’s moving again and crosses her legs underneath her. Tim follows suit and he turns to face her.
“You want to go back to work?” He asks. “What brought this on?” Lucy sighs and reaches out for his hands. Tim lets her take them.
“I was thinking about what I should do next.” Lucy says. “Making jewelry didn’t work out.” Tim blows out a breath. He was sure he was going to find beads around the house for the next few months.
“Okay and?” He says. “You couldn’t think of anything else?” Lucy starts to nod but then shakes his head.
“No.” She says. “I thought of stuff but none of them felt right. And then I realized what I really wanted. I want to help people, I want to be able to be the first on the scene. I want to save people like Martin from being a victim. I can’t change what happened but I can help it from happening again.”
“Wow.” Tim says softly. “That’s… I’m so proud of you.” He doesn’t know what else to say except to lean forward and give her a kiss.
“Thank you for being so patient with me and thank you for being my guinea pig.” She says. Tim snorts and kisses her again.
“No problem.” Tim says. “You deserved to have the time to heal. But I’m glad you are coming back.”
“Me too.” Lucy says. “I know this is exactly what I need to do.” Tim nods and pulls her in closer. She amazes him every single day, and he is so happy he gets to have her everyday. He is so happy that he gets to come home to her. And they get to build this life together little by little.
The good and the bad. The ugly and the beautiful.
It was all there, and he would be right by her side no matter what.
“I will be there for you.” He says and maybe he is a little nervous about her returning. “You can take it slow Luce.”
“I know.” Lucy says and she gives him a soft smile. “I love you.” Lucy leans forward and presses a kiss to his lips.
“I love you too.”