Chapter Text
And rather than falling deeply in love, he fell into a deep pit of depression. No matter what, no matter what life, they’ll never be meant to be for one another. A forbidden love.
Whether it’d be a modern setting where the two rest aside one another on a bus on the way to a volleyball tournament, or maybe a universe where they both have these supernatural powers and save the world together.
They just aren't meant to be.
࿐ ࿔*:･
With that, he shot up from his bed, it really being nothing but a thin futon lying on top of him alongside a hard pillow at his head. He looked around, watching his family sleeping peacefully.
Bringing a hand to his head, he closed his eyes, slowly lying down as he began to ponder on what exactly he had been dreaming about.
It was a strange thing, falling for someone he grew close with over the years only for it to not be fated between them.
He couldn't help but wonder if it'd be fated if they hadn't known each other since childhood. Perhaps if he met a stranger, it'd be fated then?
He stared off into the distance for a moment, the thought was conflicting to him. Wouldn't it be different? Or rather, shouldn't it be different?
He found himself not caring after that thought occurred, him moving his knees to his chest and standing up. Once he found his balance he put his futon and pillow away, soon moving to the kitchen to begin cooking something for breakfast.
He peaked in the kitchen, beginning a flame and lighting a lantern near him for light.
His view swept around, him looking to see what exactly he could make that would suffice for his family. He stared at the grains nearby his left, grabbing it and placing it in a pot only to begin preparing it.
He figured that porridge and pickled vegetables would suffice for them, as it was something they ate often after all. ( he just hopes they won't get sick of it. )
His family is poor, not in the ditches but not well off as well. His father is the one who works, while his mother takes care of him and his sister. More recently, Tadashi overheard an argument his parents were having that his father had recently gotten a large amount of debt on their backs, causing their money to practically disappear.
In this day and age, debt was common, so Tadashi wasn't exactly surprised by this.
But he did soon find himself surprised once they all had woken up.
It was just like any other day, Tadashi set the table and woke his sister so she could serve him and his parents. She’d make tea and they’d chat quietly, once the tea finished Tadashi would go wake his parents up for breakfast and they’d all kneel down, thank the lords— or rather whoever existed — and one of two things; eating quietly or having a small conversation with breakfast.
In this case, it was neither.
As Tadashi's parents sat down, his mother cleared her throat— something she did often when she was preparing herself mentally, Tadashi noticed — “You're being sold to the palace, us as beings within this civilization have a high enough ranking, and we have debts..”
Now those words were something Tadashi did not expect to come out of his mothers mouth. As it turns out, neither did his sister. She quickly shot up, her still kneeling down, just propped up now as she stared daggers into her mothers eyes.
“What?!”
“You heard me, child. Your father has taken on a lot of debt, we need a solution..” His mother said greedily, almost.
That only made his sister only more angry, her face beginning to turn as red as tomato paste as her mother talked to her. His father did nothing but nod and sit there, as if this was normal.
In which, it was in Tadashi's day in age; yet this was still all so much.
The emotions grew and grew, erupting like a volcano as his mother and sister fought.
He was taught to be obedient and nothing else, as was his sister, but seeing her fight back brought conflict to his heart.
To fight back was as bad as being sold to the palace, and to see his sister retaliating it brought him to shambles. On the more sensible side, maybe he would've sided with his sister, as he, too, thought the idea was outrageous.
Yet the other, more oppressed and obedient side of him felt it was right of him to support his parents' ideas.
So, he stayed quiet, choosing to say absolutely nothing.
After the morning argument, his household falls silent.
He dislikes the silence, as even his sister refused to talk to him. The only interaction he really received was by his father when he got home, even then, those words were a simple:
“Prepare dinner soon.”
It was untraditional that Tadashi was the one who prepared the dinner, he realized this long ago. But a part of him truly enjoyed the process of cooking. He paid no mind that his parents practically used him and his cooking skills, as long as he got to do something he semi-enjoyed, he was happy. He was doing his part in the family too, as he can't get a job currently as well.
The rest of the day passes in the tense silence, the dinner table being even more stiff and awkward as it normally is. Tadashi shivers at that.
By the time the next day arrives, he feels a shuffle near him, though, this was usually normal, this shuffling was as if someone was waking up.
He slowly opened his eyes, watching his sister move out from under her futon, packing some random essential items and wrapping them in a cloth. She looks at Tadashi, her eyes wide.
He realizes what's happening, him pursing his lips before slowly getting up and hugging his sister.
He wished to hold her forever, as she was truly the only person who saw him for who he is. They talked constantly, but now, she was leaving him.
He wasn't going to stop her, that’s the last thing he’d do. She deserves to have her own opinion despite the era they live in.
She tensed up in the hug, Tadashi moving his mouth close to her ear and softly whispering:
“Be careful, sister.” with a tremble in his voice.
He lets go, walking over to a small board that's crooked.
He lifts the floorboard up, revealing a small amount of money he had been saving up. He grabbed the money, standing up and placing it in her hand.
He had tears in his eyes the whole time this departure happened, he foresaw it, but he never realized how soon this day was going to be.
“You’ll know where to find me.” He said finally, hugging her again and kissing the top of her head gently.
His sister sobbed softly, nodding and clutching the money she received. He gave her a small charm, wrapping it around her neck.
The gem was made of jade, a gem of luck and protection in his culture.
A gem meant to break when protection was no longer needed.
He nodded at her, cupping her face with a soft smile and walking her out through the doorway. He watched her walk off, noticing the tremble in her shoulders from sobbing as she did so. He couldn't help but let a tear or two fall from his eyes.
He quickly wiped them, turning and laying back down, going to sleep like nothing happened.
Events like these are common within his country, something that isn't necessarily out of the ordinary, but still something people grieve, dislike. In comparison, death; something that was seen as a natural occurrence, yet it's still something people dislike, something people dread. But as time passes by, people must conquer over the hill, looking at the other side, a side they had yet to venture.
That's sorta what this is to him.
Something he must conquer, as like every other obstacle in his life.
The next morning, he woke up, going back into his rhythm, only stuttering a small amount due to his sister not being here anymore. Once he made breakfast, he stared at his shaking hands, his parents in the corner of his vision. He needed to wake them up, but if they awoke, chaos would reign in the house.
He must conquer.
Taking in a deep breath, he walked to his parents.
“Ma, Pa, Sisters gone. I don't know where she went, I woke her up after breakfast and let her do her thing before waking you two, but she is no longer here.”
Tadashi was..parshly correct in his statement.
His parents caused chaos, but it was less of a thunderstorm; it was quieter, more like lightning, something that struck silently.
As he put the dishes away, cleaning them, he eavesdropped casually, as he naturally did with his parents.
“How else will we be paying off the debt, though?”
“Perhaps….”
They both grew silent, and a part of Tadashi froze at that. The quiet between them never settled well in his throat, as it usually was a sign of danger.
Once he finished washing the dishes, he wiped his hands on a cloth nearby. As he stepped out of the kitchen, he noticed both of his parents staring directly at him.
He tilted his head, but deep down, he knew what was happening.
He knew what was coming.
“Is there something I can do for you guys?” He muttered politely, his heart beating in his ears.
“You're replacing your sister.” His father said it ever so casually, as if this wasn't abnormal.
Tadashi went into a hard pause, his eyes growing wide as a maniacal smile slowly formed on his lips. He couldn't believe what he truly heard.
“I'm.. I'm sorry, what?” Tadashi said softly, stepping forward while he tilted his head.
Though he wouldn't dare defy his parents' commands, a part of him was still obedient to them despite wishing to retaliate ever so desperately. But even now, the small obedience he showed towards them was an attitude in their eyes.
“We have to pay off the debt somehow, and you're close enough to a girl.”
“Exactly, long hair, slim face, and body. Plus, you cook and clean for fun! You might as well be a woman.” His mother added on, swiping away Tadashi's concerned look.
Tadashi felt something bubble up inside him.
Rage.
If he were to be found out, he’d be executed on the spot, most likely. He would be lying to people. Even worse, he’d probably get in those weird customers, the men who like to prey on weaker people.
He stared at his parents, both of them looking at Tadashi as if what they were saying was completely normal in their eyes.
“Are..are you two crazy?!” He choked out, his fear of retaliation attempting to choke down his own words, but he won't let that stop him now. His parents have gone too far this time. Even if they choose to still send him, he wishes to at least say this to him before he's sent off to his death.
“We are your parents, how DARE you talk to us like that. We are only doing what's best for this family.”
“Am I even a part of this family then??” Tadashi shouted out.
He felt the shift within these words; he noticed the way his parents froze with rage at his disobedience.
He was quick to cover his mouth, stammering out an apology before being slapped across the face by his mother.
He stood there, his face whipped to the side as he felt the sting of the red mark on his face. He knew he messed up, he knew he should have never said anything, he should have just listened.
His eyes were wide for a moment, thoughts forming in his head as he turned to his mother with teary eyes.
His mother looked to have no remorse; she didn't care.
And that only fueled his rage even more.
He felt his blood boil, his eyes changing the way he looked at his mother.
“Mother, I am a man, if I am found to be lying to the emperor himself… I'll be killed!”
“Then you’ll die as my daughter.” His mother spat out, a look of disdain splattered all over her face. She was disgusted at the slightest back-talking; of course, she looked at him like that. Why was he surprised?
He stared at her for a long moment, looking at his father, who was simply looking at Tadashi with crossed arms. There was no point in fighting; he was going to go.
And when he goes
He’ll die as their daughter.
After that, he was no longer a man.
He no longer got his haircuts, growing out his hair longer than his mother had ever let him before. His father would make him eat smaller portions, saying that “women don't eat as much as men,” as if he had never seen his sister scarf down food behind closed doors. He was the one who cooked and cleaned, his mother doing nothing but sewing clothes and tailoring them for Tadashi's frame.
Except this time the clothes weren't shirts, no, they were dresses. Dresses that were intricately made to give him the perfect frame.
The frame as a woman.
Months later, when the day finally came to be sent off to the palace, he cried in the carriage, well, he wanted to, but he knew that’d ruin the makeup his mother put on him.
His body trembled as his mind had already made up a story of what was to happen— Emperor Kei would see him and visit him one day, that one day would be his last.
As he gets told the strip for the emperor, he’ll beg, beg to not do it.
But he has too, it's his womanly duty as a concubine.
As he strips, Emperor Kei will notice something is missing.
He’ll notice how Tadashi’s chest lies flat rather than having round, plump skin around his chest.
He’ll notice the kind of person he is.
A man.
And even worse,
A liar.
He stared off into the distance during the ride, only swaying side to side as the carriage went over bumpy roads and whatnot. He ignored his shaking; he ignored the fact that he was going to die in this place, but it's a matter of when.
The suspense killed him; he knew any moment he could die within this palace, thanks to his parents.
Whether it’d be the second he walks into the palace or years and years after, he will die.
He closed his eyes, leaning back and taking a deep breath.
In another life, he could have lived his teenage years normally.
In another life, he could have been playing with his friends, living with nothing but joy in his heart.
He felt the carriage stop, and at the same time, he felt his heart stop.
He slowly descended the stairs, not exactly knowing what to expect.
He looked up from the floor, fixing his posture just as his mother told him to do.
The palace was beautiful— of course it was!
The palace was large, built with these intricate details that Tadashi could only imagine how long it took for them to create. The pillars along the sides were made of wood with small gold details. The area was surrounded by gorgeous seasonal flower buds, some where barely blooming, some where perky and pretty. If Tadashi wasn't worried about dying, he’d probably be admiring how beautiful this place was.
This left him to no surprise, of course it was beautiful, this place was the area the Emperor resided in.
He was led to an area to reside in, people treated him with more respect than expected for a low-ranking concubine.
He walked into the place he was going to be trapped in forever, it was simple, nothing to it but nicer bedding than he’s ever seen and some snacks for him to have. He sat on the bed, pressing his palm against it gently and letting a soft sigh out.
Though he was living a higher lifestyle, this came with a great risk, he was in terrible danger no matter where he stepped. He had to be careful, or he’d be rid of.
He closed his eyes, gulping down thick saliva he just noticed.
He kept on looking around in his room until he heard a knock.
At that, his heart dropped. He tensed up in seconds, looking over at the door before clearing his voice.
“Come in-?” He muttered softly, he was lucky his voice was already soft and gentle— as his mother said at least.
The door slowly opened, Tadashi's heart racing, begging, praying to whatever god out there that it wasn't the Emperor.
He stopped worrying about that when seeing a short, blonde woman slowly peep into his room.
“You all dressed up, my Lady?” She said softly, looking at Tadashi with these bright, gentle eyes.
She looked happy, the opposite of what Tadashi had been feeling. It was as if nothing was going wrong right now.
Little does she know, everything is going wrong.
For Tadashi, at least.
In a few seconds of terrible silence, he realized the girl was asking him a question. He quickly sucked in a breath, eyes growing wide before he nodded.
“I…uh.. yeah! Sorry, yes, everything is alright in here, you can come in.” He muttered, shaking his head as he tried to pull himself together.
The blonde lady walked in, smiling at Tadashi brightly before bowing deeply.
“Hello my Lady, I am Hitoka Yachi, your lady in waiting.”
Her voice was as sweet as sugar as she spoke, it was comforting, but she had this underlining nervousness within her voice. It was simple to sense considering Tadashi himself was as nervous as her.
He bowed slightly, remembering the complex structure of their relationship— he has authority over her.
“Hello Yachi, Im Tad—... ahh.. Takara. Takara Yamaguchi.” He bowed again, this time to hide his red face despite having make-up on.
Yachi smiled at him, nodding.
“As your lady in waiting, I am practically your assistant. I am to help bathe you, feed you food you actually enjoy and make sure your appearance and status are nothing but good. It is an honor to serve someone with such beauty.” Yachi bowed again, lower than last time.
Tadashi's eyes shot wide open, him stepping back.
“Ah, uhm, no need for that, Yachi. Wait, you're help me what?” He paused fully..
Bathe.
She is to help bathe him.
“Surely I can bathe myself, no?” He said nervously.
“My lady, what about your back? It is always difficult to get in the nooks and crannies. Especially when you are sick. Are you uncomfortable with that?” Her face fell for a moment.
Tadashi sucked in a large breath..
“Well, I am… i— i dont-”
“It okay, My Lady! You are beautiful, i promise!”
Tadashi could feel all the tension within his mind slowly press against his whole body. His heart began racing more than it needed to as well.
He stared at Yachi..
If she were to help him bathe, well, safe to say that he will be beheaded within minutes.
She’ll find that he is a man rather than a woman and tell everyone. Rumours will spread and Yachi will do nothing to defend Tadashi.
His breathing rapidly increased in an instant.
He’s going to die here.
He found himself on his bed, laying down peacefully. For a moment he felt nothing but bliss, life was good, his bed was comfortable. Now all he had to do was make break—
He shot up, looking around the area after realizing that he wasn't home.
Yachi was in the corner cleaning something up.
It gave Tadashi a moment to recall exactly what had happened.
Well, he had a change of clothing is what he noted.
Wait.
“My Lady, are you up?” Yachi walked over, having a tray of tea prepared for Tadashi.
She placed the tray on the bedside table, looking at Tadashi with a hint of concern in her eye.
“Did.. you change my—”
“Yes.” She leaned in, touching his forehead gently.
“You passed out and knocked over a vase, spilling water all over your gown.. You needed to change.. Is everything alright now?”
Tadashi just stared at Yachi.
Does she know?
“Yachi..”
“Yes?”
“..did—”
“Yes.”
He shut his mouth instantly, his eyes watering.
He knew it. He knew that this was going to happen but he didn't expect everything to happen so damn quickly. Now he is going to die, now everyone will see him and kill him mentally, as he is a cross-dresser. They will have no remorse, nor will they be allowed to be. He lied to the emperor, something heavily punishable.
“My Lady.”
Tadashi looked at her through his blurry eyes..
“I won't tell anyone.” She said simply.
She fiddled with her sleeve nervously, gulping.
“It's obvious you weren't meant to be here, and I need this job. It's better to do this than wash clothes daily.” She chuckled softly.
“You're safe, I'll make sure no one finds out you are truly male.”
Tadashi stared and stared HARD.
He felt as if he was going to cry again, well, cry will joy this time.
“Im Tadashi Yamaguchi.” He muttered through tears.
Yachi just smiled at him, wiping his tears.
“Hello My Lady Tadashi.”
They laughed softly.
Maybe he wont die..
Today, atleast.