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You knew a lot. You knew you were gay when you were 14 and kissed your best friend at a sleepover (who then told the whole school and made you wish you never did). You knew you wanted to be a nurse when you were 16 and your friend was rushed off to the ER with alcohol poisoning and you watched as the nurses anticipated every move the doctor made, how they held everything together. You knew you were in love with Trinity Santos the moment she first stepped through the ER doors. You also knew she was head over heels for Yolanda Garcia.
A younger you would feel insecure, that of course the prettiest woman you ever laid eyes upon wanted a surgeon. Somebody who was in the action, who could teach her things you never could. A younger you would hate that you were “just a nurse”. Thankfully you were grown, you understood why Trinity liked Garcia. You also knew that it wouldn’t work out.
Garcia wasn’t the settle down type, very few surgeons were you had learnt through past experience, she was more the casual fuck kind of girl. The moment Trinity left her shift, walking too close to Garcia you knew it would never work. You bit your tongue and continued on with your life.
Over the course of the months after Trinity’s first shift you built a friendship, small jokes between patients turned into gossip sessions by the nurses station, drinks after work, turned girls nights - which were inevitably interrupted by a message from Garcia and an apologetic Trinity, whose bag was already in her hand. It happened often enough that you found yourself growing closer to Dennis Whitaker, the stray Trinity adopted after their first shift together, both of you left in someone else’s apartment.
It didn’t take Dennis long to figure you out, the understanding that you cared for Trinity more than just a friend should. He was nice about it, never teased you for your unrequited feelings or told you about Garcia and Trinity’s noises. You appreciated him, it was nice to have somebody in on the secret.
So you pined for Trinity in secret, you didn’t care that she didn’t return your feelings, didn’t care that she just saw you as a friend. You just wanted her to know she had somebody. Somebody in her corner. You knew fragments about her past, the trauma she had overcome, the reasons why she is so guarded now. You knew about her best friend, how abandoned she felt in the aftermath. You knew she was good at putting on a brave face and holding her head above water. You just wanted her to know she didn’t have to tread water when you were around.
That’s why, on the hellish shift that has been the July 4th day shift, you followed her. From a new Attending threatening her position, to Langdon’s return and Garcia’s cold shoulder you saw the cracks beneath the armor. You saw the way she barreled through it all, doing her best to push it down and rise above it all. You kept a safe distance, knowing she was like a stray dog when pushed. More reactive than she wants to be, but you were there. You helped her with every patient, trying to give her the time she needed to catch up on her charting. You stood by her side as each criticism was thrown her way.
You understood where they were all coming from, the frustration they felt behind each snide remark Trinity made. You also understood they didn’t understand Trinity. That she didn’t need to be shamed. She needed to be heard.
So when you found a quiet moment you wrapped a hand around her wrist, ignoring the glare she gave you as you stole her away from her charting and into the women's bathroom. You didn’t say a word as you spun around to face before dragging her into your chest, arms wrapped tightly around her frame. You heard her start to speak, most likely to ask what the hell you were doing but you just squeezed harder.
You felt her heartbeat against her chest, faster than normal, and felt her tense up. Trinity wasn’t big on physical affection, you knew this. You also knew that when someone was drowning you gotta drag them up to the surface, and that’s what you intended to do.
“I’m here and I’m sorry and I love you.” You say it quietly and ignore the way Trinity scoffed and continued to free herself from your grasp. You only locked your hands together before speaking up again.
“You are doing the best you can, you are a good doctor and the patients are lucky to have you.” You felt her arms relax slightly as you continued to speak, before they slowly reached around your body. They don’t squeeze back but she simply relaxes into your hold.
“You deserve to be here, I see how hard you work and the care you put into every person who walks through those doors.” You hand moves to pat Trinity’s back and you feel her heartbeat slow down once again. You ignore the fact that your shoulder is slightly damp from when her head rests upon. You simply hold her.
“I see you, I love you and I care about you.” Simple words but you know the importance of them. You know that Trinity struggles and you know that despite the world constantly showing it doesn’t, there are people who care about her and love her. She doesn’t speak, only holds you lightly. You remain like that for a minute more before she pulls away.
Her hands instantly reach up to her face, pushing away any remaining tears that escaped before letting out a deep breath. You can only smile at her, hands coming up to fix her hair. You don’t try and comfort her any longer, you know she can only take so much. You just exist, watch her as she splashes her face with cold water and hand her a paper towel to dry herself off. She doesn’t thank you, doesn’t say a word. She simply looks at you before moving out of the bathroom and back into the real world.
It’s in that moment that you knew that Trinity Santos loves you back.