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the first time it happened, toshi was scared. so scared, scared that yoshiki won't ever get up again, scared that he'd lose him for good - scared he was going to die.
"yoshiki, please, get up," he repeated.
after a successful concert that he'd finished feeling great, if a little exhausted, toshi had walked offstage. meanwhile, yoshiki was being carried off by stagehands, the ambulance had already been called and now they were lifting him up onto a stretcher.
he was visibly struggling to breathe.
"yoshiki, get up," he repeated as they made their way into the ambulance. his friend had always been physically fragile and slim, often staying home from school due to illnesses, but this marked the first time that toshi realised how fatal his condition could be.
"please, i need to be with him! please let me in!"
his hand wouldn't let go of yoshiki's. the nurses gave up, he got a seat in the vehicle.
as they set up an iv drip for yoshiki and the engine started, toshi kept talking to him, even though he looked like he'd passed out.
"yoshiki, why didn't you say you were feeling unwell? yo-chan, i'm scared. don't go please, don't leave me. you are so strong, you can't."
tears streamed down his face as the words turned to whispers, though they did not let up.
toshi ended up staying with yoshiki until the latter was let go the next day.
as the collapsing became a regular occurrence, and as they started buying oxygen tanks for yoshiki to get through the shows, toshi felt increasingly more like he was watching him die before his very eyes.
and since yoshiki was also the most stubborn person he knew, he also wouldn't let anyone talk him out of doing shows, bettering his health or slowing down on the drums - taking any preventive steps, for that matter. yoshiki liked self-destruction, toshi was sure of it - he enjoyed it when the physical pain started drowning out the mental. fucking masochist.
toshi had made up his mind that this needed to stop, and soon.
"yoshiki," he confronted him the day after a fully wrapped tour. planned holidays were approaching, and they would finally have some time alone together.
"will you please let me take care of you this once? we'll be on holiday for three weeks, and to say you need rest is to put it lightly. don't look at me like that, please. i kept quiet these past few weeks, every time you collapsed and fainted, i just helped you and said nothing like always. i grit my teeth and accept that you want it this way. but this - no, let me finish! but this'll be our holiday. we made these plans half a year ago, you and i together. so you will not ruin my long awaited trip with your poor health, yoshiki, because you know i will only worry and not have any fun nor get rest for myself if you continue to neglect yourself."
he took a deep breath and looked at yoshiki expectantly.
evidently, the other was fumbling for words, struggling to come up with a counter.
finally, he said: "okay. so what do you propose we do to make me get better?"
"well, we will make the trip. it's a beach resort, surely you'll be able to relax. but if we do, you will let me cook you food and take you out to good restaurants. no dieting; you will eat all of it, and we'll limit ourselves to two bottles of wine at most, per day. there won't be any clubs, or raves, or parties. the beach, fine. and you will sleep eight to ten hours every night. also you won't do any drumming, and if you need to release your anger, you have me. to fuck, or to scream at, to punch, to cry with, whatever it is you physically or mentally need. all i'm asking is you accept what i offer you. that you acknowledge the fact that i am your partner, who cares. actually at this point, i think i'm not asking anymore, i'm just begging you."
toshi cleared his throat.
yoshiki looked up from his fiddling fingers, and when he saw that toshi actually looked hurt, his face changed.
"please. i know to you it might even seem selfish of me, but if you really can't do this for yourself, then do it for me, for fuck's sake. because i can't watch you destroy yourself anymore," he added.
yoshiki was mustering him with a shocked expression. he searched for words as he took toshi's hand.
"toshi, i'm sorry. i didn't realize how much i was hurting you, i just... i need the rush, i don't wanna think-"
"i know. you don't have to, with me. i'll do anything you want, i will be your personal entertainer for the entire trip."
finally, yoshiki felt the tears spill over.
"i don't deserve you," he whispered as he leaned his face into toshi's stomach.
toshi raked his fingers through yoshiki's long hair gently, twirling it around a finger occasionally. he wanted to argue that his partner did, in fact, deserve this, and him, but decided against an argument, of which they ordinarily already had too many for his liking. for now, he was just content that the other hadn't tried to resist his plea.
finally he asked: "so was that a yes?"
yoshiki gave a groan.
"a 'yes, i will let you pamper me for once in my life'?"
"yes, toshi. you win, you big sap."
"yes!" toshi raised a celebratory fist, making yoshiki giggle.
they kissed sweetly, and toshi revelled in the rare, tender moment.
two weeks later, and toshi was in heaven.
after yoshiki had begrudgingly let him take care of literally everything, toshi got the increasing feeling that yoshiki was starting to enjoy their little vacation as much as he himself was loving it.
after all, it was not often that yoshiki would let himself be spoiled like this, at least outside of the bedroom.
extending his arm across their lounge chairs to reach for yoshiki, toshi asked: "am i dreaming?"
yoshiki chuckled and took his hand.
"well, if you are, it's a joint dream. everything does feel surreal at the moment. i can't believe i haven't played the drums in almost two weeks. nor am i watching my weight..."
he leaned over to whisper in toshi's ear: "you know i hate to admit when you're right dear, but you definitely were about how i needed this vacation and to completely give myself up to you, let you be the boss for once. it's been freeing."
toshi grinned ear to ear at those words, feeling endlessly proud of himself.
he turned his face and leaned in for a sweet kiss. all the while, the waves rocked softly against the warm sand, seagulls shrieked in the distance, children laughed. everything seemed right in the entire world, so much so that toshi wanted to take this moment in both hands, hold it there and never let it go again.
but then yoshiki giggled and looked at him with such lovestruck eyes that toshi could feel himself falling for him all over again.
"i want ice cream," yoshiki suddenly stated and got up, pulling toshi along with him.
as they walked up to the more crowded area of the beach with multiple food trucks and other facilities, toshi, putting their safety first, reluctantly let go of yoshiki's hand and instead slung his arm around his partner's shoulders.
they walked up to the truck and yoshiki got his ice cream first, then toshi was handed his own cone as he paid for both of them.
yoshiki was all smiles, he loved ice cream and had never allowed himself to over-indulge in it before this holiday.
yoshiki waited until they were back in their secluded area to eagerly ask: "let me try yours!"
toshi, still focused on his ice cream, just answered "sure", only to then be immediately attacked by yoshiki's mouth, kissing him harshly and demanding entrance with his tongue.
toshi complied at first, but pulled away a second later - not without a grunt of protest from yoshiki - to generously lick at his ice cream again and then immediately go back in for the kiss. after all, yoshiki had to properly taste it. he seemed to appreciate it, because they kept it going while trying to move forward to their chairs - which nearly ended in both of them falling over.
they separated in a fit of giggles, deciding not to let gravity get the better of them because of the freshly bought ice cream.
a few minutes later, said ice cream was finished and toshi was feeling tired.
he wanted to go home for the day, so they packed up their belongings and left the beach. thankfully, they didn't have to walk long to get back to the resort buildings.
"that one blondie was totally checking you out," yoshiki said as they arrived at their room.
"oh, is someone jealous?" toshi teased.
"maybe. but i also know she hasn't got a chance, because i'm very egoistic, extremely charismatic and because i know you are stuck with me forever," yoshiki said with a smug grin.
he tackled toshi onto the bed and started undoing the buttons on his shirt.
toshi kissed the top of his head as he worked before replying: "and in that you would be correct, princess."