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He had cleaned every counter three times, and sprayed so much air freshener he’d have to give anyone with asthma a fair warning before entering the house. Eddie was always a tidy person, but this day had to be perfect.
He checked his watch: it was a quarter past six. Buck should get there any minute.
It wasn’t really supposed to be anything special really, their usual Friday movie night had gotten pushed off by a shift, so this was just a make-up for that. But Eddie knew he had to get everything off his chest eventually, he couldn’t keep piling it all on.
Sure enough, a couple minutes later, he hears a knock at the door.
Opening the door, he finds Buck, holding two six-packs of beers.
“Feeling charitable tonight?” Eddie said, moving out of the way so that Buck could walk in.
He shrugged. “Liquor store had a sale, couldn’t decide.”
He put the beer on the kitchen island, sitting at one of the stools to open the packaging.
“Did you decide on a movie yet?” he continued.
Eddie gave a puzzled expression. “Thought it was your week?” he replied, taking the stool to his left.
“Fuck,” Buck replied, looking up from the cardboard packaging he was currently attempting to dismantle. “It was, wasn’t it.”
Eddie chuckled. “We’ll figure something out, I’m sure.”
Buck was finally able to fiddle enough with the cardboard to free two of the beers, passing one to Eddie. “I swear, they make these things more impenetrable by the day.”
They sat in the silence of their company for a moment, as they often did.
“Buck,” Eddie broke the silence. “There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you.”
He looked over to Eddie. “I mean, I was wondering when you were gonna admit to murdering someone and needed help hiding the body.”
Eddie tilted his head in confusion.
“The uh, the room spray,” Buck said, pointing up.
“Oh, that,” Eddie said, giving the most convincing fake laugh he could muster. “Just went a little overboard on the cleaning today, got a little carried away.”
“Uh huh.”
“Anyways, that thing, I–god, why is this so hard?”
Buck put a hand on his shoulder, pulling Eddie out of whatever mental spiral he was beginning to go through. “Eddie, it’s me. Whatever it is, you can tell me, I won’t judg–”
“–I’m gay.”
Smooth.
The words all but spilled out of him, a secret sitting for some amount of time he didn’t even know the true value of.
“I–oh! Uh, that’s great, Eddie, I’m so proud of you.”
He could tell that Buck was being sincere, but his thrown off tone had set an odd mood in the room. Eddie’s shoulder felt particularly hand-less all of a sudden.
“Sorry, that’s–that’s not how I wanted to start this, I just–I never really rehearsed a speech or anything.”
Buck’s brain was still short circuiting, his lack of response coming off differently from the ideal situation.
“So,” he started, trying to remember how to form actual words. “Did you, uh, come to this realization recently?”
Eddie pondered the question for a minute, fidgeting his hands around where they held the beer bottle. “I’m not exactly sure, I guess. I mean, I’ve known there’s been something off for–really ever since the whole Kim thing, but I didn’t really grasp what that was until pretty recently.”
Buck was silent, thinking of a response that sounded more on the supportive side and less on the interrogating one.
“Sorry for springing this on you,” he said earnestly, looking over at Buck for the first time since he blurted it all out. “But I didn’t want to keep sitting on it. I know I, uh, probably made this all uncomfortable and everything.”
“What? No! Eddie, you–you didn’t do anything to make me uncomfortable,” Buck finally said, the panic coming out in his inflection. “I think I just,” he stopped for a moment, choosing his words. “This just makes a couple things from the past few weeks make more sense, I guess. Sorry I, uh, pressured you to date so much. If I knew what was going on, I wouldn’t have–”
“–Buck, you didn’t do anything wrong. I kept it to myself for a reason, I guess I just wanted to figure everything out first before I told anyone.”
“And have you? Figured everything out, I mean?”
Eddie sighed, looking down and shaking his head. “To be honest, no, not really. I’m still just as lost as I’ve been for weeks.”
Eddie could feel the hand back on his shoulder, as he turned to look at Buck again.
“Well, no matter how long you take, I’ll be here. No matter what,” he replied with a smile.
Eddie matched his expression. “Thanks Buck, it, uh, means a lot.”
“Okay man,” he replied, standing up. “C’mere.”
Eddie stood, as Buck pulled him into a hug. Hugging Buck was one of Eddie’s favorite things. It felt like drinking hot cocoa with a blanket in front of the fireplace on the first day of elementary school winter break. It felt like finally reaching the end credits to the film that you’ve been waiting months for. It felt like home. Where he was meant to be.
The hug could have lasted mere seconds or several hours, Eddie could never tell. Easing out of the embrace, Buck patted Eddie’s shoulder. “Proud of you.”
Eddie smiled again, grabbing the ends of the island with his hands and leaning back. Some of the weight had been lifted from his chest, but half of it was still there, waiting.
“But, uh,” Eddie said after a moment. “That isn’t the whole thing I needed to tell you.”
“Well whatever it is, it’s gotta be easier than that one,” Buck joked, trying to bring some levity to the conversation.
If only he knew.
Eddie slowly shook his head. “You’d think, but–that was only the half of it, really.”
Buck tilted his head to the side in confusion. “What, uh, what do you mean?”
He sighed, looking down at the floor. “After coming across that discovery, a lot of what I’d been dealing with over the past year made a lot of sense, but you never asked me exactly what caused me to come to this conclusion.”
“Eddie, I don’t want to push–”
“–But I have to tell you, it’s only fair that you know.”
He looked up. Buck still looked confused, clearly still in the dark as to what he was referring to.
“See, it wasn’t just the whole avoiding women thing that brought me to this conclusion Buck, I mean, I knew something was up with that, but that wasn’t it.”
“Eddie, why are you telling me this?” he finally said.
“Because,” Eddie took a deep sigh. “It’s you. You’re the reason.”
Buck’s immediate expression was completely unreadable to Eddie. He looked both shocked and perplexed.
“I don’t–I obviously don’t expect anything to come out of it, but–” Eddie paused for a moment. “You had a right to know.”
Buck looked directly at Eddie, as if he was staring into his soul. “Eddie, I–I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything, I’d understand if you needed some time to process.”
“No, I uh, I think,” a pause. “I think I should go.”
“Buck, we can talk about this–”
“–No Eddie, it’s not you, I just need some time to think, clear my head,” he said, stumbling into the living room, heading for the door.
“Are you sure you’re all right to drive?” Eddie yelled out the door.
“Yeah yeah yeah, I’m great,” Buck yelled back. “Didn’t even open my first beer.”
Eddie peered into the kitchen: he was correct.
“Okay well, um, drive safe!” he yelled, before slamming the door shut and immediately putting his back to it.
He didn’t know what he felt. He felt like he could cry, but no tears were coming. He felt like he could run a half-marathon, but he had never been that great of a runner, even with the adrenaline. All he could do was stare at the wall opposite the door, wide-eyed. He started slowly sliding down until he was sitting with his back to the door, eyes still fixed on whatever was in front of him, he couldn’t really tell.
…
All things considered, it was a pleasant Sunday morning in the Buckley-Han household. Chim had taken Jee and Baby Nash on a walk to a nearby park, leaving Maddie to a rare moment of peace and quiet.
She had just finished a warm, soothing bath, and finally sat at the couch, opening her book with a fresh cup of peppermint tea on the sofa table. That was, until a sharp pounding on the door almost caused her to throw her book across the living room.
“Coming!” she yelled, getting up and putting her slippers on. She was still clad in a bathrobe and hair wrap, but whoever decided that pounding on someone’s door at 12 on a Sunday was a good idea was just going to have to deal with it.
Opening the door, the culprit of the incident started making a lot of sense.
“Jesus, Buck, you have a–”
“IthinkIjustpermanentlyruinedmyfriendshipwithEddie,” he said, promptly cutting her off.
Maddie took a step back from the door. “Okay Buck, I’m sure you’re overreacting. Come on in.”
Well, there goes her peaceful morning.
Maddie took her spot on the couch back, with her brother sitting on the very edge of the other end, hands fidgeting together. “Care to explain?”
“Okay, so, uh,” he started, stumbling over his words almost as much as he did last night. “I was over at Eddie’s for our weekly movie night, and he decided to tell me–something–that he was trying to get off his chest, and we hugged and I told him it was all going to be fine or something, and then,”
He took a pause. He didn’t really think this through. He couldn’t out Eddie, as confidential a source as Maddie was, but there wasn’t really a good way to work around it.
Taking a deep breath he started again. “And then he said something else that I–didn’t react that great to, kinda just made up some excuse and stumbled out of the house.”
She raised her eyebrows. “Okay, first,” she said, holding her hand out. “Deep breaths.”
“Yeah Maddie, I’m really trying here.”
“Okay, okay. Did you–is this connected to something we’ve maybe talked about in the past?”
A nod.
“And Eddie was the one to bring it up?”
Another nod.
“So–how exactly do you feel about this? Why did you run out like that?”
He redirected his gaze, staring at his fidgeting hands. “I–I don’t know, Mads. I never really considered the possibility. I just, I knew something was up, but I figured it was something–anything else.”
Maddie nodded. “Because Eddie was always?”
“He told me it was because of me,” he replied. “That’s how he knew.”
She pondered over it for a moment. Maddie wasn’t dumb. She knew exactly what he was talking about from the moment he started talking. Hell, from the moment she opened the door. But her brother was always a complicated individual when it came to love.
“You know,” she started. “When you first came out to me, I thought it was because of Eddie.”
Buck looked up at her.
“Obviously, wasn’t the case, as I learned pretty quickly, but it was always something that had been on the back of my mind, the two of you. And I wasn’t going to bring it up on my own, that’s not my place. But I’ve seen all the care and love you’ve had for Eddie over the years, Buck. And I’ve seen how much you two depend on each other, care for each other.”
He was still looking up at her, confused.
“What I’m trying to say is that, no matter what happens, Eddie will always be your best friend, your person. But Evan? If you want my honest opinion, you need to talk to him. You need to tell him how you feel, no matter what that feeling is.”
He nodded again. “I know, and I think–I know I want the same thing that he does. I just worry,” he paused. “I worry that maybe I’m not enough. That I’m not good enough for him.”
Maddie’s face morphed into a somber expression. “Oh honey,” she said, standing up to give her brother a hug. He met her halfway, the two of them standing next to the middle of the couch.
The embrace was warm and sweet, the exact thing he needed at the moment. As she pulled away, she looked up at him. “I know that’s the way you feel, but I need you to know that isn’t true. And Eddie knows it too. He knows it better than most.”
“I know, Maddie, but what if he’s wrong?”
“Look, if I went back and told myself from 10 years ago all the shit that’s gone down in the past decade, she would have never believed me. And yes, some of it was for the worse, but so much of it was for the better. I would have never known how good it could be though, unless I took the leap of faith.”
“Maddie, I get why that worked for you, but my thing with Eddie is–”
“–Still a leap of faith. Albeit, a different one, but you’ll never know if you don’t try.”
He nodded, seeming to get her message.
“Thanks Maddie, you’re a–you’re a great sister,” he said, sitting back down on the couch.
She gleamed. “I know. But thank you for trusting me with that. I know it couldn’t have been easy.”
“Honestly, nothing about this has been easy. This has maybe been the most simple piece yet.”
“Well, remember what I said. Talk to Eddie.”
“You know what?” he said, standing up. “I will.”
Before he reached the door, Maddie called him one last time. “And Buck?” he turned around.
“Get some actual rest before you do, you look like shit.”
He gave her a half nod and a reluctant chuckle. “Will do.”
…
To Buck, Eddie’s house had always been a sanctuary. A place to go whenever he had a bad day, or just needed someone to talk to. It was more of a safe place to him than the loft ever was. Sitting in the driveway, this was the first time it was not that.
He felt cold and unwelcome, like as soon as he left the safety of his Jeep, there was no return. He knew Eddie was there; he checked his location before leaving, and his truck was parked where it usually was. There was no way Eddie didn’t notice an extra vehicle in his driveway by now, he had no more excuses.
Making his way up the driveway and over to the front door took about half the willpower he had, he was saving the other half for the actual conversation. After no less than 15 seconds of holding his fist up to the door, he finally gave it a gentle knock.
Slowly, Eddie opened the door, looking perplexed. “Buck, I–”
“Can we talk?”
He was staring into Eddie’s soul, almost forcing eye contact between the two of them.
Eddie gave him a short nod, and started walking back into his living room.
Before Buck could get out any words, he was already cut off. “I’m sorry.”
“Eddie, I–you don’t have to be sorry.”
“No, but I do. I just sprung that on you out of nowhere, I know I made you uncomfortable.”
Buck knew that voice, this was the start of a rambling. Eddie started pacing around, legs moving almost as quickly as his mouth was.
“And it wasn’t a good time, I know you’ve been dealing with a lot of shit recently, and probably just wanted to drink beer and watch some crap movie, it was all me. I was looking for the right time to say something, but nothing ever felt right.”
“Eddie,”
“I don’t know, maybe I should have held off longer, maybe the feeling would have gone away, or I would have gotten over it, I don’t really know what would have happened. Maybe I waited too long. Maybe I should have addressed it on that 10 hour drive home, or at least said something about that night at the diner–”
“Eddie.”
“But I didn’t! I didn’t, and I somehow chose the worst time to screw everything up, and things were just starting to be good with everyone recently, and now you’re probably gonna hate me, and rightfully so, I mean–”
“EDDIE!” Buck had subconsciously walked over, grabbed Eddie’s wrists, and was holding them level with his head, bringing back that unavoidable eye contact.
Dropping Eddie’s wrists, he took a step back. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you, but will you please let me talk?”
Still silent, Eddie nodded.
“Good, okay.”
Buck walked over to the couch, if he was standing, he would have just ended up shifting back and forth on his feet.
“First of all, I don’t hate you, Eddie. I could never hate you. And I’d never stop being your friend either. You have to know that, right?”
He gave another nod, too phased to really give a response.
“Okay,” he continued again, taking a deep breath out. “I’ve been thinking a lot over the past day or so, and–I freaked out yesterday. But not for the reason you thought.”
Another sigh.
“You and I, Eddie, we’ve always had a weird friendship. I never really questioned it all that much until the fourth or something person asked me if we were together. Because if you think about it, it does make sense. I mean, I know Hen and Chim would never do half the shit we do.”
Eddie nervously chuckled at that, a step up from his previous silence.
“But yesterday, when you told me that, when you told me that you liked me, I kind of just, I don’t know. Short circuited. I mean, I never really thought about us too much because I just assumed you were straight, so I didn’t ever have to. But once I realized that it was a possibility, and then a minute later when I found out it was a real possibility, I started thinking about myself. I was never enough for my own parents, I couldn’t do the one thing they needed me to do,” he huffed out with a dry laugh. “I mean, fuck them, but still. I was never really enough for any of my past partners, none of those relationships ended on a good note, and I just–I thought at that moment, I’d never be enough for you.”
He looked down, having finished everything he mustered up the courage to say.
“You’re everything to me.”
Buck looked up.
Eddie had tears streaming down his face. He was still standing, leaning against the fireplace across from Buck.
“You’ve always been everything to me. I mean, I’d known you for what? A week? And you unpromptedly found childcare for my kid because you wanted to help me. You’ve helped me get through situations that I don’t think I would have been able to bounce back from had I been alone. You’ve gotten me through the darkest of times, and it fucking kills me to see you be so hard on yourself. Life dealt you a shitty hand on a lot of things, Buckley, but that was never your fault. And yeah, maybe life dealt me a bunch of shitty cards too, but it gave me Chris, and it gave me you. So yeah, everything I said yesterday, I still believe it all. It’s all still true. And if your shitty fucking parents couldn’t recognize how incredible you are, well that’s on them. But you do have a family here, one that loves you. I love you.”
Buck had tears of his own now, he didn’t really notice them until he felt one drop to his knee. He stood, looking at Eddie like he strung all of the stars in the galaxy.
“Eddie, I need to know you’re sure about this. I need to know because–because I can’t lose you, Eds, I–I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I lost you.”
Eddie came up and cupped his face with both hands. “You’d never lose me, Evan. I’ve never been more sure of something in my life.”
“Eddie, I love you so much,” he choked out, voice cracking.
“I love you too,” Eddie said, touching their foreheads together.
Slowly, cautiously, Buck brought his hands to the back of Eddie’s neck, and closed the gap between their lips. Despite being just a simple kiss, it was the closest Buck had ever felt to a person in his lifetime. Of course it was Eddie, no one in the world could be Eddie.
Pulling away, they stood there, before Eddie started to giggle.
“What,” Buck got out, before joining in on the giggling. “What could you possibly be laughing about?”
“Sorry, I just–I think I’ve gotten like 30,000 steps from just pacing around the house today, never would I have thought this conversation would have gone down like this.”
They broke out into full on laughter, foreheads crashing back together, arms around each others’ shoulders.
“Yeah, I wasn’t exactly expecting this either.”
“Chris is sleeping, or at least pretending to. I think I freaked him out earlier.”
“Don’t worry,” Buck said. “We’ll tell him later.”
“Yeah,” Eddie agreed. “We will.”
“You did.”
Their heads snapped to the hallway, where Chris’ head poked out from behind his door.
Does this mean you’re gonna stop treating the house like it’s a gigantic treadmill?” he said, the remark directed at Eddie.
“Yeah buddy,” Eddie chuckled out. “I will.”
Walking out into the hallway, Chris redirected his gaze at Buck, and then back at Eddie. “I’m happy for you guys, really, but can you please keep the PDA out of the living room?”
Buck and Eddie turned their heads back towards one another, breaking out into one final fit of laughter.
“Don’t worry Chris,” Buck replied. “We’ll do our best.”