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Taiga turns his back on them with a scoff, muttering something about RAD WEEKEND, disappearing through the murmur of the crowd. An doesn’t care, she’s been staring at the ground, her mind somewhere else entirely. She doesn't fully process Kohane's hand gently tugging at her wrist until her legs are complying as she’s nudged into walking, following her partner out the venue and away, far away from everyone. The deafening chatter fades into the quiet ambience of dusk, crickets and wind, but it's just not right to An’s ears.
Nothing is, not right now.
“Kohane?” An croaks out, her voice raw, refusing to lift her head even when she can practically feel Kohane staring at her, can almost pinpoint where her gaze bores into An.
“An chan?” Kohane whispers in reply as An watches her partner's hands gently clasp both of her own, “What is it?” and An feels so, so awful for how gentle and concerned Kohane sounds, but what makes her feel infinitely worse that a part of her is nothing but infuriated.
An gulps, swallowing the tears down, sniffling and pushing down the burning hot fury, anger simmering in her stomach, anxiety rattling in her chest. Her entire body is trembling as she hears Akito and Toya surround her on either side. It's supposed to be comforting, but she feels like she's suffocating. All eyes on her.
She normally thrives under the spotlight, but not like this, not this kind.
“I'm angry,” She starts, taking a stuttering breath, “At- at a lot of people, and I don't think I wanna be angry at some of the people I'm mad at, but I am, and I don’t-” she stops, bowing her head further, until her chin is touching just below where her collarbones dip, scratching against the rough fabric of her clothes. Her hand slips from Kohane’s to bunch her shirt together, grabbing just above her heart, feeling it thrum wildly under her skin. “I’m sorry.” she rasps.
“Are you.. upset with us, Shiraishi?” Toya asks, his voice maintaining that typical stoic tone, but she catches the slightest warble. “Or Taiga… Ken, perhaps?”
“Please stop-” An whimpers out, covering her ears. “I can’t, I told you, I can’t-”
“An chan, it’s okay, we’re here for you.” Kohane says, but even she sounds unsure of her own words, “I’m right here.” A hand hesitantly rests on her back, and she can’t help how she flinches away.
Liar.
“An.” Akito this time. His tone is stern, the same biting, confident voice he sings with now lined with concern, and An hates how she almost flinches away, curling inwards on herself. “Look at us… please.” he says, hesitantly, almost begging. An hates it.
She can’t, she can’t. Why don’t they get it? She can’t look at them, because all Shiraishi An hears is liars, and all she sees are ghosts. She can only see Aunt Nagi now, can only chase the echo of a dead voice and the memory of what could have but never will be. Shiraishi An can only cling to the what ifs and the could’ves. Forever reaching for an impossible dream, Shiraishi An the loser. The kicked dog that begs for company, who can’t be left to her own devices for more than five minutes.
The thought makes her shudder, a sudden burst of energy, coiling inside until something just snaps. So she does the only thing she can think of, and runs. She breaks away, jerking out of Kohane’s loose grasp. She lets the wind howl when she would rather sob. Muffled shouting becomes a distant afterthought as she twists and turns, winding through the alleys just like she used to.
When Nagi was there. When she was living in a lie.
She doesn’t know how long she runs, only focusing on the burning in her legs and the pounding of her feet on the ground. She doesn't stop until she's sure she's alone. Alone in a way that she wants to be.
She needs something, anything to distract her from the void chasing after her. She can hear it yelling behind her, or maybe that’s An herself.
She doesn’t know what to do with herself, so An screams, again. She howls and yells and sobs, pours everything in her chest out into the alley. It bounces off the walls, reverberating back at her as anger bubbles and spills over. Grief, sorrow, visceral, raw anger all mesh together in a writhing, wild sensation.
An lets out a wail, a strangled noise that she throws out of her body and into the world, letting it shatter on the ground and scatter across the cracked stone. She cries, letting out emotions long pent up, so visceral that she gags on them. Another ugly sound escapes her, hands flying to grab at her head, until she’s curled on her knees, elbows pressed to the filthy ground.
She chokes on sobs, eyes screwing themselves shut as the world grows too overwhelming to handle. Everything is reduced to muffled sounds and too-bright lights, sensations become fleeting afterthoughts compared to the whirling torrent of emotions. All sobs and garbled words and failed attempts at existing, at simply being something, anything at all. An is pathetic, always was.
Someone wraps their arms around her and she almost screams again, instinctively jerking away until the world shatters around her in a burst of light. She feels the thrumming of her heart and the shaking of her body, along with the arms still wrapped around An's stomach, trying to stop her from moving.
She feels another pair, firmer, but less confident, wrap hesitantly around her, and only then does she turn to meet Kohane’s eyes, then Akito, with Toya just past him, holding a phone with an almost guilty expression.
She stares at them, uncomprehending, until Kohane goes to move and she twists, ducking down to hide away. An wraps her arms around her partner in a way that's shamefully desperate, looking down at the ground beneath them.
“...An chan?” Kohane whispers, but An shakes her head, not trusting her voice. If she tries, she’ll just cry again.
Please, An wants to say, don't talk, don't make me talk.
By some miracle, or maybe just whatever magic Kohane seemed to possess, she understands. A small hand finds its way into her hair, gently combing through and smoothing over the messy strands.
Slowly, the world comes back to her. Slowly, An sinks into something less shaky, feels a bit less disconnected. It's replaced with something similar to exhaustion, a hollow sort of tiredness sinking into her bones. But still, she can’t help it, she always gets stuck in her head. Exhaustion doesn’t stop the thoughts flooding her mind.
Why? Why do they stay? Why even bother with her?
And when will they leave her behind?