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There was no doubt that Eddie Diaz was worried about Evan Buckley.
As they drove along the long and winding roads out of New Mexico, where their bodies became battered and bruised, and the trauma settled deep in their bones, potentially lasting a lifetime, Eddie worried for his best friend. Not that he never worried about him before, but if his level of worry was ranked on a scale from one to ten, his worry for Buck right now sat at around a solid fifty.
It wasn’t every day his best friend got into a car accident, kidnapped, and tortured in the span of twenty-four hours, and now they had to drive for over ten hours to get somewhat close to home. All with a bag of goodies in the form of life-threatening injuries that had to be monitored by Eddie to keep his best friend safe.
Yeah, Eddie was worried to say the least.
His fingers tapped against the steering wheel nervously with every thought wracking at his brain pinging at the speed of light. Every five seconds, Eddie found himself glancing over at Buck in the passenger seat. Just in case. He knew nothing had changed between a lot of those five-second intervals, but anything could happen in five seconds.
Like veering your rental car off the road and getting Buck kidnapped.
But that wasn’t happening again.
Between those five-second intervals, Eddie was scanning his surroundings to make sure no trucks with lights on the grill were coming towards them. Or even a random animal jumping out from the bushes. That’s the last thing he wanted to send him off the road in New Mexico again. Not when it would put Buck at risk again. Buck – who was mindlessly staring out the window and watching nothing in particular but a certain kind of wonder was painted on his face when Eddie caught his expression in the side-view mirror.
In some way, it was admirable how calm Buck was despite everything he’d been through. Would he ever have a breaking point? The serenity in his eyes warmed Eddie’s heart, but he worried (again) there was pain settled behind them. Not just physically, but emotionally. Was Buck actually okay?
“I’m fine, Eddie.”
Eddie’s eyes widened as Buck caught his gaze through the mirror and reassured the thoughts that were eating away at his conscience.
“I know,” Eddie said sheepishly, turning his eyes back to the road and clearing his throat with discomfort.
Buck chuckled softly. “You keep looking at me every five seconds.”
Fuck. Was he really that obvious?
Turning to give Buck that five-second check again, Eddie’s breath caught in his throat when he met those blue eyes that were devoid of life only this time they day before. They were sparkling now, but the scars on his face let the doubt creep into Eddie’s mind again.
“The doctors and Maddie said I have to keep an eye on you.” Eddie’s voice was strained as he tried to justify his excessive secret looks when his eyes should have probably stayed more on the road ahead of them. Buck raised a brow, and Eddie sighed. “That’s what I’m doing. Keeping an eye on you,” he finished.
“Yeah, every ninety minutes. Not every five seconds,” Buck deadpanned. His lips still managed to twitch into an amused smile.
“Sue me for being worried, Buck,” Eddie mumbled.
“You’re more than worried.”
“Anything can happen in five seconds.”
“Like what?”
Eddie grunted softly. “Anything!”
“Mhm,” Buck hummed.
A helpless sigh left Eddie’s lips. “Buck, just…”
His hands on the steering wheel began to turn white as his words trailed off. Since when was he gripping it so hard? The worry that pounded in Eddie’s chest began to materialise on the outside. Buck’s carefree attitude towards his health managed to make him more stressed than before – if that was even possible. Maybe this car would crash again. If Buck kept being so nonchalant about it all, it seemed very likely.
“Hey,” Buck said softly. Pressing his lips into a thin line, Eddie turned to look at his best friend again. There was a warmth in his eyes and the upturn of his lips. “I appreciate it, Eds. But I’m okay. I’m still here kicking.”
Sometimes all Eddie needed to hear were those words when looking into Buck’s eyes that were filled with life that he deserved to hold onto for a very long time. Even though it was the sixth time Buck had said ‘I’m fine’ or ‘I’m okay’ to Eddie since they had started driving again, they only truly sank in when those bright blue eyes pierced his skin from the passenger seat and the honey quality of Buck’s voice vibrated in his ears and deep in his soul.
Just like now.
When Buck looked at him like that and made the world spin on its axis, the way it was meant to.
“Sorry,” Eddie apologised, eyes back on the outstretched road in front of them.
“Just breathe.”
“I’m breathing.”
“You’re literally turning red, Eds. Breathe.”
Taking the advice of a basic human necessity, Eddie exhaled slowly, surprised how much it eased his anxiety. How long had he been holding his breath for?
“We’re almost stopping soon, anyway. You can give everything a check then,” Buck said, reaching over and giving Eddie’s shoulder a gentle squeeze.
Yeah, I know. I’ve been counting down the minutes until the ninety minutes were over.
“Thanks,” Eddie said instead.
After eight minutes and nine seconds of driving, Eddie pulled off the road to a roadside gas station with a dingy retro burger joint next door to do his routine check-up on Buck in the parking lot. Eddie had never jumped out of the car so fast in his life in an attempt to relieve his stress.
As Buck opened the passenger door and swung his legs out of the beat-up car, Eddie whizzed around to his side of the car as fast as he could so he could crouch in front of Buck and check his leg for any signs of blood clots – swelling, fever, pain, discolouration. Buck watched in silence, waiting for Eddie’s verdict as he touched his leg through and under his jeans. When he didn’t show any signs of discomfort or suffering from a blood clot end of things, it didn’t stop the examination from being complete. Eddie studied all of Buck’s cuts, bruises, and scrapes on his skin, lifting the sleeves of his quarter-zip, checking beneath the collar of the jumper, and examining his face. With every tick on Eddie’s mental checklist, Buck seemed okay.
Well, as okay as he could be.
Maddie would give her seal of approval if she did the same examination, so Eddie felt like he could breathe and trust his instincts, knowing Buck’s big sister would breathe with ease, too.
Still, there was one more thing Eddie had to do.
He eyed the burger joint across the car park and ushered his best friend towards it, itching to make sure Buck was fed well. Unlike himself, who starved himself from the diner all the way to the hospital after Buck had been rescued. No chance was Buck following in his footsteps.
As they stepped inside, welcomed by the scent of deep-fried burgers, ice cream, and cheap coffee, Buck seized the sleeve of Eddie’s hoodie and gave him a stern look.
“Promise me you will eat this time?” he asked. “Don’t go protesting to prove another point and end up starving yourself for a whole day.”
Eddie just rolled his eyes and dragged Buck along to an empty booth, silently promising to eat more than necessary to prove a different kind of point.
Sunlight shone through the glass panes of the restaurant windows and onto their booth, turning Buck’s curls into a golden halo as he sipped on a chocolate milkshake Eddie had ordered for him. Their legs bumped under the table as Eddie picked at his plate of fries. Buck’s ankle rested against Eddie’s when they just watched the world go by over cups of shitty coffee.
It was a kind of peace Eddie hadn’t felt since they first hopped in the rental car in Nashville two days ago.
Something Eddie hoped they could both feel for as long as possible, the minute they’d step back into Los Angeles.
Home.
***
The sun was beginning to set on the horizon ahead of them, orange painting the sky and bleeding into the car. Buck had insisted on driving once they continued on the road, which Eddie protested multiple times, but once again, Buck reassured him with those magic words and twinkling eyes, and he caved. So, Buck was driving them into the sunset while Eddie watched him like a hawk from the passenger side.
Reading Buck like a book.
So detailed to the point he noticed the very minute Buck’s tiredness began to take over. Eyes fluttering, a stifled yawn he tried to hide under Eddie’s scrutinising gaze, the casual slump of his shoulders as he relaxed in his seat.
Eddie felt the panic set in. Not only was Buck tired, but he was beginning to doze off, too. There was no chance either of them could continue in their current state. The last thing they needed was to push themselves further than necessary and end up in a ditch on the side of the road for the second time in forty-eight hours.
Buck yawned again, more obvious than the first time, and Eddie shifted uncomfortably in his seat. They had to get back to Los Angeles as soon as possible. Buck needed to be safe at home. But if Eddie was by his side out here, he’d be safe enough. Never was Eddie going to leave his side to even allow Buck to disappear, hurt, succumb to his injuries, meet his fate—
Eddie stopped that train of thought before he sent himself into insanity.
Eddie wasn’t losing Buck.
No.
To distract himself from his sense of doom and to rip him and Buck out of a potential fate of doom, he started typing furiously on his phone with the sliver of service he managed to ping through to search for somewhere to stop. Thankfully, before the service cut out, he found a road stop to pull into at least for now. While the sun was still peeking through the curve of the mountains and the sky wasn’t illuminated with the guiding stars of the night yet.
“There’s a gas station up ahead. Pull in there,” Eddie instructed.
Buck gave him a wary look, but nodded, following Eddie’s order as the gas station came into view only minutes later.
While Buck was filling the car up with gas, Eddie watched from inside the gas station as he perused the aisles for snacks to keep him at bay. Never did his eyes leave his figure standing by the side of the car, scanning his surroundings like a little meerkat. Buck met his gaze at one point and gave him a reassuring smile, warming Eddie’s insides up and leaving him like a pile of goo next to the Twizzlers packets. He grabbed the bag of the snacks before he genuinely melted under Buck’s smile.
That was new.
Very new.
Pushing that thought to the back of his brain, Eddie went back to his original plan while hiding in the gas station. When Buck looked away from him, he pulled his phone out and dialled a number that would be itching to know what was happening on the road.
The phone barely dialled once before being answered, a panicked voice coming through the line faster than ever.
“Eddie? Is Buck okay? What happened?” Maddie asked urgently.
“We’re okay, Maddie. Buck’s fine,” Eddie said calmly, sparing a glance at Buck through the stack of chocolate bars by the window.
A sigh of relief echoed through the phone. “Oh. Good. Sorry.”
“Don’t be. Probably could’ve just texted you to save you the panic,” Eddie chuckled weakly. As he saw Buck yawn for the millionth time in the past hour, he frowned. “But I don’t think we’ll be pulling into Los Angeles tonight like we initially planned.”
There was a long pause when Eddie’s words rang through the air. Eventually, Maddie exhaled softly and asked, “He’s exhausted, isn’t he?”
Sometimes, it amazed Eddie how well Maddie knew her little brother. He didn’t even have to tell her what was wrong, but she already knew. That Buck was most likely pushing himself more than he needed to, like he always did. Buck never did anything with little effort or with no drive. Everything was done from the motivation and love in his heart. Even if it did push him over the line at times.
“Very. Don’t blame him, though,” Eddie replied with fondness laced in his voice. “I think we gotta stop somewhere for the night. Let him catch up on some rest before the final hours of the drive.”
“And you need to rest, too, Eddie,” Maddie said sternly.
“I know.”
“Don’t think I don’t know what lengths you went to yesterday to find my brother. That deserves a bed that may not be as good as home, but has to be better than a hospital one.”
Something fluttered in Eddie’s chest. Something protective and almost loving. His eyes found Buck outside again, and the words tumbled out of his mouth without a single thought.
“I’d do it all again in a heartbeat.”
The silence was deafening. Eddie wondered what kind of expression Maddie was pulling right now. To try to read her thoughts that were always so wise and knowing. Something about that scared Eddie in the slightest.
“I’m sure you would,” she said softly. A light chuckle left her lips, warm through the phone call. “Funny enough, it reminds me of Chim last year. How he tried anything to save me from Amber, no matter the cost or the risk.”
Eddie found himself smiling reflectively. “There was no doubt about it. Love makes you do crazy things.”
“It really does, huh?” Maddie’s voice was inquisitive. Eddie couldn’t pinpoint what she was getting at. Maybe it was his scattered brain from his injuries preventing him from understanding.
“Yeah,” he said finally.
The sound of the clicking of keys began to ping through the phone, followed by Maddie’s voice and sigh of relief. “I’ve just sent you some motels that you and Buck might be able to stay in tonight. I’m not sure if you’ve already gone past them, but hopefully one of them is still an option.”
Eddie’s phone dinged with a new message notification. He spared a glance at Maddie’s message and smiled fondly. “Thank you, Maddie. Appreciate it.”
“And don’t worry. I checked to make sure no 9-1-1 calls came out of them to cause any concern.”
Eddie grinned, shaking his head. “That’s at least one concern I don’t have to worry about anymore.”
Both of them laughed. Despite the situation at hand being as dire as possible, it was comforting to know he could laugh with the woman who cared for Buck so dearly.
“Eddie?” Maddie asked.
“Yeah?”
“Just promise me you’ll take care of him.”
Eddie heard her sniffle slightly, and his heart broke. Maddie desperately wanted to be by Buck’s side to make sure he was okay. Just like he did for her all those years ago when Doug managed to rip her away from happiness. In the end, she also had Chim to look out for her once free from her shackles. Her person. Her other half.
Now, it was Eddie’s turn to be there for Buck when Maddie couldn’t be there for him. To be his person.
“I promise, Maddie. Always,” Eddie said, voice wobbling slightly as tears pricked at his eyes.
The sound of Maddie’s subsequent sniffles and shaky exhale from his promise told him that Maddie was going to be okay. “Good. Stay safe. We’ll be welcoming you guys with open arms tomorrow.”
“We look forward to it,” Eddie said before bidding Maddie farewell, the phone hanging up and leaving him with a promise he would rather die than break.
Once Eddie paid for the snacks and sauntered back outside, the sun almost completely gone, the light devoid from the sky radiated from Buck instead, his smile growing as Eddie drew closer to him and the car. That same flutter from before – that feeling where Eddie almost melted into goo – returned. He had to shake his head to put it back in its rightful place – the back of his brain, untouched for another day.
“Get in. I’m driving,” Eddie said, motioning to the passenger’s side of the car as he opened the door to the driver’s seat.
Buck followed obediently, hopping into the car with caution but still smiling like it was nobody’s business. “How many hours left now?”
“None. We’re stopping for the night.”
That infectious smile dropped faster than ever. “Wait, what? Eddie—”
“Buck, don’t.” Eddie held a hand up to stop Buck from protesting. “You almost fell asleep behind the wheel before, and I’m struggling to keep my eyes open, too. Maddie sent me a motel for us to stay in, so it’s gonna be as safe as possible.”
“But—”
“I don’t want you to exhaust yourself, okay? Just… please.” Eddie’s energy was beginning to drain. Buck’s pleading eyes were not helping him stay focused. “You’re gonna get worse if you push yourself. We’ll be home in the morning, I promise.”
Buck’s mouth opened and closed a few times, trying to find a reason to disagree with Eddie. But he failed, sighing and pursing his lips. Eddie watched as Buck’s eyes scanned all over him, making him slightly self-conscious. Was this how Buck had felt all day when Eddie watched him like someone would put a bullet through his head if he tore his eyes away from Buck at any second?
“As long as you rest, too, Eds,” Buck said. He reached out to lightly touch Eddie’s shoulder again, squeezing it so softly to prevent injury, but as a physical promise.
Eddie nodded, slightly melting into the touch. “Gladly.”
“Okay, deal.”
***
The moment they stepped into the motel, Eddie stuck close to Buck’s side like glue. No way was he letting Buck be on his own at a time like this. Thankfully, Buck didn’t seem opposed to it, pressing their shoulders together as they stood side by side at the motel desk to snag the last room available for the night.
Eddie could sense his unease. His discomfort as people stared at their bloody and bruised faces. The fear of not knowing people’s true intentions around them. It didn’t surprise Eddie. He knew the trauma of Buck’s kidnapping would get the better of him as they progressed through life.
The cracks were starting to appear. Eddie was just thankful he was there to guide Buck if the cracks decided to shatter into a million pieces and break him down entirely.
Keys in hand, Eddie guided them to their room, a hand settled on the small of Buck’s back to remind him I’m here as they walked through the hallway of flickering lights and flaky paint on the walls. They limped in syncronicity, suffering together as they navigated their way to a safe place for the night. As they found their room, Buck leaned against the wall as Eddie unlocked the door, watching him through tired eyes. Eddie spared him a glance before pulling him inside gently, shutting the door behind them and deadlocking it.
Just in case.
The worker at the front desk clearly left a detail out about their room. When Eddie turned his attention back to the room, standing at Buck’s side after kicking their shoes off, he faltered slightly at the sight before him.
One bed in the centre of the room.
Not two single beds, which, for some reason, he thought they’d possess for the night. One bed. Blue bedsheets and a duvet cover that looked about thirty years old. One bed that he and Buck would have to share. Because Eddie refused to let Buck sleep on the armchair by the window, and he wasn’t entirely ready to break his own spine attempting to do it either.
It was fine. Totally fine. Sleeping next to Buck allowed Eddie to be close to him. To look out for him throughout the night. In case his wounds gave him grief. Or even if a nightmare terrified him, and someone needed to ground him back to earth.
Eddie needed to take care of Buck. He wanted to take care of Buck.
Sharing a bed with him was the lowest of his concerns.
Keeping Buck looked after was the highest of his concerns.
“I’m gonna have a shower,” Buck said tiredly, dropping his bag on the desk underneath the television that was comically the size of a microwave door.
Eddie gave him a worried look. “Just be careful, okay?”
“It’s just a shower, Eds. I’ll be fine.” Buck grinned, eyelashes fluttering sleepily.
He’s gonna be fine. He’s gonna be fine, Eddie thought to himself as Buck disappeared into the bathroom and left him with his own screaming conscience. He sat down on the edge of the bed, the frame creaking under his weight, wringing his hands together to try and ease his stress. Thankfully, some of his tiredness helped the screaming thoughts to be put to rest.
That was until a very loud yelp of pain echoed from the bathroom.
Eddie’s eyes snapped open, his heart racing a million miles an hour.
No. No, no, no, no.
“Buck!?” he called out, almost tripping on his own feet as he jumped off the bed and hobbled over to the bathroom. Hands shaking as he tried to turn the handle beneath his fingertips, Eddie pushed the door open, expecting the worst kind of sight on the other side. “Buck, hey, what’s wro—”
Eddie stopped in his tracks.
Buck was just standing there, fully clothed and on two feet. Just a slight grimace on his face as he rolled his shoulder out.
“I’m okay,” he said through clenched teeth. He rolled his shoulder again, letting out a loud cry as something didn’t sit right.
Eddie surged forward, hands touching Buck’s biceps to stop him from moving. “No, you’re not! What happened?”
A guilty look crossed Buck’s face. Eddie raised a brow as their eyes met, waiting for an answer. Buck looked down, then back up to Eddie’s face.
“I kinda forgot how difficult it might be to actually take my clothes off and shower without help from a nurse in a hospital.”
Oh.
Right.
“Did you hurt yourself trying to do it?” Eddie asked, stepping closer and letting his hands run over Buck’s injured shoulder.
A sheepish grin crept up onto Buck’s lips. “Unintentionally…”
When Buck winced again from just an accidental jerk, Eddie frowned.
“It’s okay. You’re okay,” Eddie reassured him. His hand rested against Buck’s shoulder, thumb against the dip of his throat to feel the life beneath Buck’s skin.
Eddie started to feel the memories of the hospital that morning come back to the surface. When he and Buck were being discharged, changing from their hospital gowns back into regular clothes. Well, nurses had to help them to do so. There was no way either of them could get changed on their own without crying out in pain or feeling dizzy from their injuries.
“Make sure you have someone to help you out with this when you get home. Especially while these injuries are so fresh,” the nurse had said to Eddie once she’d finally helped him slip his hoodie on.
There was no doubt that Buck got the same lecture when his injuries were objectively worse than Eddie’s. And here they were. In the exact predicament those damn nurses told them they’d run into. Alone with no one else to help them but each other.
Those many years ago, when Eddie had come home from the hospital after being shot down on the streets of Los Angeles in front of Buck, blood staining his white shirt and traumatising his best friend to say the least, Eddie had Ana. She helped him through his recovery. Showering him, dressing him, changing his bandages, caring for him as he needed.
Ana was long gone now.
But she helped him through it all.
Now it was Buck’s turn to require that assistance.
And Eddie was going to be the one to help him through it.
“Do you want me to help you?” Eddie asked softly.
Buck’s eyes widened with surprise. “Huh?”
“Let me help you. It’s the least I could do.”
“The least you could do?” Buck stared at him, bewildered. “Eddie, you literally stopped me from being killed yesterday!”
“And it still doesn’t feel like enough. Just let me help you,” Eddie snapped. It wasn’t with bite or anger. It was determination. A desire to get his way so Buck would be okay. Sighing, Eddie let his hand fall to Buck’s chest, fingers slightly curling into his jumper. “You’re hurting. At least help me ease the pain.”
Buck stared at him, but Eddie didn’t dare look. The confession felt raw – too much. Was it crossing a line to suggest such an act and yearn for more to protect Buck from suffering?
Suddenly, Buck’s hand came up to cover his own. Eddie finally met his piercing gaze, and he watched as Buck slowly nodded his head and smiled softly. “Okay.”
Eddie nodded, giving Buck a few seconds to back out of it all with awkwardness or discomfort, but he just waited patiently for Eddie to make the first move, granting him permission to undress him and care for him.
Exhaling slowly, Eddie guided Buck to sit on the closed toilet lid for stability. Once Buck was settled, gazing up at him through his lashes, Eddie got to work, hand starting at the zipper of Buck’s jumper. He slowly unzipped it, eyes focused on the expanse of Buck’s chest now exposed before him. Once completed, his hands moved to the hem of Buck’s jumper, curling around the soft material and asking for silent permission to lift it. After a subtle nod, Eddie lifted it enough to give him space to remove Buck’s arms from the jumper.
With careful precision, Eddie continued to manoeuvre Buck out of his jumper. It was slow and painful, trying to get Buck’s arms out of the sleeves and lifting it over his head without hurting him. Every groan and whimper of pain that echoed in the back of Buck’s throat or escaped his lips made Eddie’s heart ache. He hated seeing Buck like this. He hated being the one to cause his pain. He apologised every time Buck winced at an awkward movement at the hands of his directions. Buck forgave him every time, but Eddie still felt like it wasn’t enough.
Jumper finally removed and tossed to the side, Eddie felt his breath get caught in his throat as he finally got a good look at Buck’s injuries hidden under his clothes. His knees almost buckled underneath him, but Eddie found enough strength to sink to the floor slowly to assess the damage.
The bruising on Buck’s ribs – a twin flame to Eddie’s matching ones – left purple and black shapes against his pale skin. There were scrapes dragged all over his torso, some piercing where the ink of tattoos decorated Buck’s body.
Without even thinking, Eddie’s hand came up to touch one of the bruises settled on Buck’s ribcage. Buck’s breath hitched, but he didn’t stop Eddie from letting his fingers explore the pain he experienced when alone and abandoned. It was oddly intimate, but Eddie didn’t care. This was his best friend. It pained him to see the scars of his suffering.
Touching them gave him a sense of sharing the pain. Like he could transfer the pain of scars to his own body, so Buck wouldn’t have to feel an inch of pain.
He should’ve felt awkward about taking Buck’s jeans off. Kneeling between his legs and unbuckling his belt and undoing the zipper. But Eddie was too overwhelmed with sadness to even dwell on the compromising position they were in. He didn’t fail to notice the slight flush on Buck’s cheeks, however, as he lifted his hips up slightly and Eddie slowly began to help him slip out of his jeans, leaving him in just his boxers.
When the denim slipped off, Buck winced, raising alarm bells in Eddie’s head. He looked up at Buck’s pain-ridden face and back down to his leg. It dawned on Eddie horribly that it was Buck’s bad leg. The one from all those years ago that had given Buck too much grief. The one at the highest risk of developing blood clots or further injury.
Pushing Buck’s jeans away, Eddie ran his hands along the expanse of Buck’s leg. Feeling the muscle beneath his hand and checking for any kind of swelling or fever like he did on all their roadside stops. Only now, with no obstruction of clothes.
Buck didn’t seem bothered by the action, which gave Eddie the smallest bit of relief.
“Is your leg okay?” Eddie asked, triple-checking to ease his mind even further.
Buck gave him a weak smile. “Just needs some rest. It happens.”
Eddie nodded, giving Buck’s leg one final pat before standing up. Something crossed Buck’s face that he didn’t quite recognise. There was a hint of pain in there. It almost seemed like he was pondering too. Only then did Eddie realise he was pondering how he was going to shower now, based on the way he stared down the shower curtain next to him.
Eddie put the weird heat building up at the base of his spine to bed and motioned towards the shower.
“You want me to help you in the shower, too?” he asked.
Buck stared at him cartoonishly. “I, uh…”
“Last thing I need is for you to pull something trying to wash your back,” Eddie tried to joke, but it fell flat. To him, at least. Buck still managed to crack a smile.
“Hilarious.” Buck slowly stood up, coming face to face with Eddie, cheeks dusted a light pink. “Yeah, it’s okay.”
“Might need some help too.” Eddie motioned to his clothes shyly. “If that’s okay?”
God, undressing Buck had no effect on him. But the thought of Buck undressing him had his cheeks turning bright pink when he glanced at his reflection in the mirror. Embarrassing.
Pull it together, Eddie.
“Of course, Eds. C’mere,” Buck said with a smile, motioning for Eddie to come back to his space.
Eddie’s injuries weren’t as severe as Buck’s, so the journey of taking off his clothes wasn't as dire. But still, the second set of hands to help Eddie was always a bonus. Especially with a busted arm and bruised ribs that gave him grief.
When Buck’s fingers found the bottom of Eddie’s hoodie, accidentally brushing against his skin above the waistband of his jeans, it was electric. A spark ignited inside of Eddie, breath shuddering at the touch. One Eddie couldn’t ignore one little bit.
Buck slowly peeled the hoodie from Eddie’s body, guiding his arms and torso to the right positions to prevent as much pain as possible. Eddie grunted as his shoulder twisted the wrong way and sent pain up his arm, already overstimulated from the rough fabric of his hoodie scratching against his battered arm. Buck’s hand rested against his bare hip for support, assuring Eddie he was okay with the softest of whispers.
Eddie could’ve died on the spot. Especially when the hoodie finally fell away from his body, and he could finally meet Buck’s eyes again. The soft and caring blue eyes that always felt like home. The ones he stared into and knew everything was going to be okay.
Finally, Eddie got his jeans off with Buck’s help, both left in just their underwear in the quiet of the bathroom. Buck’s gaze on him and his body were curious. But still full of hurt as those eyes would settle on the flared up red state of Eddie’s arm or the matching bruises on his ribs. Eddie couldn’t help but feel that same kind of hurt as he stared at the red blotches all over Buck’s body.
Biting his lip to suppress the tears from welling in his eyes, Eddie turned away to get the shower running, flicking the water on and testing the temperature for Buck. In the mirror, he guiltily watched Buck strip off his underwear, his view of down south thankfully obstructed by the reflection being cut off before any intrusive thoughts could invade.
Once the temperature was perfect – not too hot, not too cold – he guided Buck into the shower, making sure he didn’t submerge himself under the stream of water before he got in to help him. Quickly, Eddie stripped his own underwear off and clambered into the shower, shutting the curtain behind him and coming face to face with Buck.
Were his eyes always that blue?
Fuck.
Eddie chuckled awkwardly, shifting around Buck’s body to grab the shampoo his best friend always insisted on washing his hair with. Something about the natural elements in the shampoo that didn’t strip your hair of its important oils? Eddie wasn’t entirely sure.
Eddie quickly guided Buck under the warm stream of water to wet his hair before applying the shampoo. His fingers ran through the curls of Buck’s hair, massaging his shampoo in carefully. His shoulder burned from lifting it up too high, but Eddie would rather suffer on the verge of death if it meant Buck would be okay. Even if it was just washing Buck’s hair.
He rinsed Buck’s hair carefully, taking the shower head off the wall and letting the water run through the lathered curls. Buck went putty under the warmth of the water and Eddie’s fingers massaging his scalp, head tilting back slightly. Eddie smiled, knowing his best friend was feeling good in his hands.
As promised, Eddie made sure Buck’s back was washed and he did not hurt himself. Sure, there were a few groans and grunts from both of them as Eddie touched tender parts of Buck’s body and Eddie pushed through his injuries to take care of Buck, but they managed to get through.
When Buck began to help Eddie with washing his body, he watched as Buck’s eyes lingered on his bruises. His hands were careful as they glided across the wet, stained purple skin. Eddie whimpered under Buck’s touch, almost falling into his arms from the pain. He could’ve melted as Buck instantly brought him closer and brought their foreheads together, whispering soft little ‘shhhs’ between them, almost drowned out by the shower water cascading over their bodies.
Buck’s touch eased Eddie’s pain. He hoped every time his fingers grazed over any inch of Buck’s skin, he did the same.
As they pulled away from one another, Eddie looked up into Buck’s eyes. It felt like the whole world crumbled underneath him as he stared into eyes that were once filled with so much happiness.
A glassy film covered Buck’s oceanic eyes, and his bottom lip trembled as he stared into Eddie’s eyes.
“Buck?” Eddie whispered. “You okay?”
His mouth opened to reply, but nothing came out. A single tear fell from his eye, cascading down his cheek and glistening against the red lines of cuts on his face and the damp shine of his skin from the shower. Buck shook his head, breathing turning ragged in the silence.
“Oh, Buck,” Eddie said softly, falling apart as he watched Buck begin to break down, tears streaming down his face. “Hey, hey. It’s okay. Come here.”
Eddie didn’t even need to pull Buck into his arms. Buck just fell into him, head burrowing into Eddie’s shoulder, clinging onto Eddie’s back like he’d disappear into thin air if he didn’t hold on. All of his weight had fallen onto Eddie’s bad shoulder, but none of the pain even registered in his brain as he held onto a sobbing Buck, burning alive as his best friend fell apart as quickly as flicking on a light switch.
Arms wrapping around Buck and holding him close, Eddie whispered softly in his ear as Buck shook and quivered against him. “Let it out. Let it out. You’re okay. It’s okay, Buck.”
Eddie had wondered all this time when those cracks would shatter into a million pieces.
That time had come.
And it broke Eddie more than he could even imagine.
Buck sobbing into his shoulder, his nails most likely leaving marks against Eddie’s back as he gripped on tightly, the water from the shower still falling against their skin, disguising Buck’s tears that fell from his eyes.
It was a new kind of pain that Eddie never wanted to experience ever again.
***
They stood in the shower until Buck’s tears dried. Eddie wanted all of Buck’s pain to release itself in the comfort of his eyes, with no one else watching. Hidden behind a shower curtain, wounds bared to one another, and skin against skin to absorb the pain from the last few days together and apart.
Eddie ached for the man in his arms. The trauma he tried to hide but couldn’t hold in anymore. The need for another soul to understand his pain, but also rip it away from him. Buck didn’t need to be strong for Eddie. He wanted him to be emotional and feel like he could lay everything on the table for him. He wanted to feel Buck’s pain. To become one and help him get through this.
The scars may have been physical for Eddie, but they were also emotional for Buck.
As they climbed out of the shower, Eddie wrapped Buck up in a towel, drying his hair and his skin carefully to not injure him any more. When Buck tried to help him in return, Eddie let him to some extent, but he didn’t want Buck to put them on the same level of pain. It was unfair when Buck had gone through so much.
He rummaged through Buck’s bag to find his sleep clothes, helping him get dressed into his sweatpants with no haste. Unwilling to put Buck through any suffering, they both decided against shirts, letting Buck’s upper body rest and breathe for the rest of the night. Eddie did the same when Buck helped him get dressed, the rippling pain in his shoulder and arm screaming at him not to lift above his head or even think about putting a tank top on.
Once fully dressed, hair towel-dried but fuzzy on the edges, Eddie guided Buck out of the bathroom and towards the bed, helping him lie down after fluffing the pillows for his best friend. Buck watched intently as Eddie quickly parted from him to find the Twizzlers and bottles of water he bought at the gas station for them to share. As he held them up, Buck smiled softly, patting the spot next to him on the bed for Eddie to join him.
There was a struggle, but Eddie managed to drag himself onto the bed, flopping next to Buck with little to no room between them. Water discarded on the bedside tables, and the open packet of Twizzlers settled on the bed within arm's reach, while the TV hummed softly in the background, it was safe to say it was peaceful. Relaxing. The first kind of quiet either of them had felt in the past few days.
As Buck watched the random cartoon on the microwave-sized television, Eddie couldn’t help but watch him. Analyse him. Admire him.
The return of the sparkle in his eyes as he watched the TV, the slope of his nose that was ridiculously adorable, the damp curls that fell over his forehead, the scratches and scuffs on his face that littered his skin tragically, the light shadow of stubble, the lips upturned in a small smile that looked extremely… kissable.
Eddie stopped breathing. Since when was Buck so kissable?
He blinked once or twice, trying to see if that sentiment had changed. But it didn’t. Lips still pink and kissable like they were five seconds ago.
Like they always had been.
Images of those lips against his own began to emerge in his mind, and Eddie truly had stopped breathing.
What if Eddie never got to kiss Buck? The sudden realisation that he might actually want to kiss his best friend was already daunting enough, but what if Buck was gone forever and he would never get to know what those lips were like?
Lips he’d noticed for so long but just simply pushed down for years after years because… well.. it was Buck. It couldn’t happen. It wouldn’t happen. Buck would never want that. And Eddie couldn’t have that.
But now? The longer he stared at the man he almost lost for good, he began to wonder what it would be like if he let himself have one thing in life. Because what if he was ever too late and never had a chance?
To have Buck.
To want Buck.
To love Buck.
Love.
Love.
Oh, Eddie thought to himself, his own conscience breathless at the acceptance of giving himself what he wanted.
Even if Buck would never want him, he was letting himself love Buck unconditionally. Because his best friend truly was his other half. A piece of him was missing when he woke up in that hospital, no Buck at his side or even in safe hands. He did everything in his power to get Buck back, even if it worsened his injuries or even got himself killed. Because Eddie loved Buck. He fought like hell to get him back.
His conversation with Maddie on the phone earlier was beginning to make more sense now. Curse her and her goddamn wisdom.
Eddie’s heart leapt in his chest when Buck suddenly turned to look at him. His eyes tracked the way Buck’s throat bobbed up and down as he swallowed. God, his heart was racing. This was ridiculous. Buck was sitting here literally minutes after a breakdown, and Eddie was admiring how beautiful his best friend looked as the glow from the television bathed his skin and illuminated his gorgeous eyes and those lips.
He had to look down and eat a Twizzler before he did something stupid.
“Y’know, for a second I thought you’d never find me.”
Twizzler dangling out of his mouth, Eddie’s head snapped up to look at Buck, who had uttered such a haunting sentence, as if it meant nothing. The look in Buck’s eyes was reflective, and Eddie wanted to know what he was thinking. For him to let all the words tumble out. So, he dropped the Twizzler back onto the packet and settled further into the pillows, giving Buck his undivided attention.
“When I was trapped in that room with bars on the window and door, and I couldn’t even escape out the front door, I thought I’d be stuck there forever,” Buck said. Eddie could see him painting the picture in his head as he reflected on the house that stole his happiness. “It was so… empty around that house.” A broken chuckle left Buck’s lips. “I can’t believe you found me.”
“I can’t believe it either,” Eddie replied, shaking his head.
Fate was in his hands when he rolled up to Bonnie’s house for answers, unaware Buck was trapped right there. He thanked a god he wasn’t entirely sure if he believed in or not for being on his side.
“Part of me thought you might’ve been dead when I found that truck at that house, and it broke me,” Eddie said, the little parts of yesterday coming back to him bit by bit.
The fear that had wracked his body was haunting. Knowing that Buck was in that house, dead or alive, was a terrifying thought if it was not the latter. But different things were at play when he remembered this was Buck he was saving.
Buck’s eyes softened, but with a sense of dread and sympathy as Eddie’s confession hung in the air. Eddie wanted to ease those worries. To remove the crease in his brow and the slight frown on his lips. Because the fear of Buck’s death was overpowered by much more.
“But you’re a fighter, Buck. I’ve always known that. You died and came back to life. So I knew that you couldn’t be dead. I knew you were out there fighting, and that gave me even more courage to fight for you. To get back to you… and I did,” Eddie confessed, eyes meeting Buck’s as his final statement was whispered between them.
Buck’s lips parted, eyes growing even softer than before. “Eddie…”
As Buck continued to gaze at him with sadness, Eddie felt himself falling apart as his eyes scanned all over his best friend’s face. All the cuts, bruises, and scrapes that put Buck through all kinds of pain. Scars that he didn’t deserve to bear. Ones that made his beautiful birthmark, a shining feature on Buck’s face, dull – a concept that shattered Eddie inside and out.
“I can’t believe what she did to you. What they both did to you.” Eddie reached up to touch Buck’s face, thumb tracing over the cuts on his nose, above his eyebrows, and the sides of his face.
Buck covered Eddie’s hand with his own. “I’m okay.”
“They did this to you,” Eddie said tearily, cupping Buck’s jaw.
“Eds. It’s okay, shh,” Buck cooed, his hand cradling Eddie’s face, pulling him closer until their foreheads touched. Just like in the shower.
Eyes fluttered closed as they remained in each other’s space, hands feather-light against each other’s faces, breathing the same air that reminded them both that they were okay. Eddie sniffled helplessly, their noses bumping together as he shuffled even closer to Buck.
It was a blur – Eddie wasn’t sure who initiated it. But suddenly their lips were brushing against each other’s in the silence.
Then the gap was closed, and Eddie’s lips pressed against Buck’s softly.
It was quiet. Gentle. Calm. Buck’s mouth moved against his, with a carefulness that spoke a thousand words.
But then it was hitting Eddie like a freight train.
He just kissed Buck without asking.
When Buck didn’t even like him like that.
Eddie broke the kiss, and he swore Buck whined softly under his breath at the loss of contact.
“I’m sorry,” he apologised, eyes finally opening to meet Buck’s staring back at him, wide and filled with surprise.
“It’s okay,” Buck said with a half-hearted smile. “It was a heat-of-the-moment. It probably didn’t mean anything to you. It’s okay.”
His hand fell away from Eddie’s face, settling next to the packet of Twizzlers. Did Buck sound… disappointed? Did he think that Eddie kissed him for fun? Not because he was madly in love with him and had been dying to kiss him for years? Because Eddie was not letting Buck feel so low and believe a lie. Even if he didn’t truly want Eddie like that.
Eddie’s hand hooked under Buck’s chin, tilting his head up until their eyes met. “It wasn’t,” he said, looking straight into oceans he could swim in forever. “I wanted that, Buck. I should’ve just asked if you wanted that too.”
Buck gaped at him, his brain trying to catch up with what Eddie just confessed in the secrecy of a motel room. Once the thoughts had finally reached the finish line, a warm smile lit up his face.
“I did kiss you back, Eddie,” he said playfully, reaching up to touch Eddie’s wrist. “But yeah, I did want it. For so long. I just didn’t realise you…”
“I didn’t either. Well, I did, but I tried to… to push it down.” Eddie shifted to cradle Buck’s face again. “But I do know that I don’t want to lose you again. And I’m not wasting my time hiding what I feel for you when life can do stupid shit and throw these curveballs at us and make me think I’ve lost you forever.”
Buck’s eyes were glassy by the time Eddie finished his spiel. As a lone tear fell, Eddie brushed it away with his thumb, and they both smiled, overwhelmed by the affection igniting their bodies.
“Eddie?” Buck asked.
“Yeah?”
“Kiss me. Again.”
The twinkle in Buck’s eye was dazzling, and how could Eddie say no when the man he loved was looking at him like that?
With no hesitation, Eddie pushed the packet of Twizzlers out of the way and leaned in to press his lips against Buck’s, kissing him softly but with so much love.
If they both weren’t littered with scars and bruises, Eddie would have honestly ravished Buck. He had the impression Buck felt the same way based on the soft moans leaving his body as Eddie kissed him like Buck’s lips were his one source of life. But neither wanted to hurt each other, so they remained delicate with one another. The movement of mouths gliding against each other gentle, like one would break with one wrong move. Hands on each other’s bodies, cautious but sure, wanting to touch each other but without activating any kind of pain.
Eddie’s hands cupped Buck’s face as softly as they did when Buck passed out before his eyes, and he had waited for him to wake up, fingers threading into the curls at the back of his head. His thumb brushed over the scar from the cattle prod Buck had been marked with, delicate with the wound under his fingertips. Buck sighed into his mouth, his hands curling around Eddie’s waist, gentle around the tender spots where bruises painted his skin. Eddie wanted to melt into Buck forever. With his delicacy and care. With his affection and his love.
Grinning, Eddie broke the kiss to let his lips trail down Buck’s jaw to his neck. Light kisses were left against his Adam’s apple, under his jaw, and right where his pulse point sat. Buck writhed under his touch, falling further into the pillows and giving Eddie more access, which only made Eddie smile more as he continued to pepper kisses all over his neck.
When Eddie began to feel Buck’s pulse against his lips, he decided he wanted to live in that spot forever. His mouth lingered against the spot, and the steady beat of Buck’s heart thumped perfectly. It showed Eddie that Buck was alive. And it gave him that sense of relief he felt when Buck woke up in his hands, his pulse beating steadily under his fingers. A relief that kept Eddie alive, too.
Sighing, Eddie nuzzled into Buck’s neck, feeling that pulse like a gentle drum. “I never want to feel your heart stop for as long as I’m alive. Not again.”
“Guess we’re both gonna have to die together, cause I’m not letting that happen either,” Buck sighed, fingers threading through Eddie’s hair and keeping him in place.
“I would bury myself right here if it meant I could always know you were alive.”
Buck’s heart rate picked up slightly at that comment, making Eddie blush.
“I’d let you,” Buck whispered, kissing the crown of his head.
Eddie grinned, leaving one lasting kiss against Buck’s neck before continuing a trail down his body. Along his collarbone, down his chest, following the trail of bruises that left a pattern on Buck’s ribcage. Buck sighed into the sensation of Eddie’s mouth on his torso, fingers still carding through his hair and keeping him close. Eddie kissed every bruise tenderly. One by one. Each one melted Buck inside and out, Eddie’s love and care for him transferring from his lips to his battle scars they both shared. To remind him that he was loved and so beautiful, even when someone could commit an act so ugly.
“I love you.”
Eddie’s lips stilled against Buck’s ribcage. Slowly, he looked up at Buck through his lashes, only to find him looking with so much awe and wonder. He smiled softly as Eddie stared back in shock, hand leaving Eddie’s hair to caress his cheek.
“I love you, too,” Eddie said breathlessly. He crawled up the length of Buck’s body to come face to face with him, hovering over him slightly and staring fondly at the man he loved.
Buck’s fingers snuck to the back of Eddie’s neck and pulled him down for a kiss, more bruising and passionate than any other kiss they shared. There was a gentle brush of tongues, the taste of Twizzlers shared between them, and Eddie couldn’t help but smile at the intimacy of it all. Buck hummed as Eddie deepened the kiss, and the sound sent shivers down his spine. Even more shivers vibrated through his body as Buck traced his spine and pulled him closer, their bodies flush against one another. Eddie happily draped himself (safely) across Buck’s body, wanting to be as close as possible to him.
They shared soft kisses until their lips were chapped and exhausted to high heaven. Buck’s hands on Eddie’s body were growing sluggish as they roamed the planes of skin, and Eddie knew they needed to stop soon or neither of them would get any rest for the rest of their drive.
“You need to rest,” Eddie mumbled into Buck’s mouth.
“So do you,” he muttered in return, nipping at Eddie’s bottom lip playfully.
Eddie giggled – he giggled – at Buck’s antics, giving him one last kiss before peeling himself off his body to fall against the pillows.
“Come on. Come here,” Eddie said, lifting an arm up and motioning for Buck to come back into his space. Buck smiled warmly and shuffled closer, his head resting on Eddie’s chest.
Goosebumps rose on Buck’s skin, and Eddie couldn’t help but smile at Buck’s constant state of being cold, no matter the situation. Didn’t help they were both shirtless and in a shitty motel, but Eddie just pulled him impossibly close, praying his body warmth would spark a flame inside Buck and keep him cosy throughout the night.
“I’m not going anywhere,” Eddie whispered softly, pressing a kiss to Buck’s head.
Buck nodded, cuddling closer to him and exhaling with relief.
God, Eddie thought, I love this man so much.
I am never letting him out of my sight ever again.