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Tenna couldn’t sleep.
That in of itself was surprising considering what had happened over the past evening. It was dizzying to think about, a terrible low—what could have become a real catastrophe—followed by some of the highest highs Tenna had ever known. And Spamton was… it really did seem like a rebirth. With all of his pieces finally restored and his sense of self firmly reestablished, he’d never seen Spamton happier or freer.
Tenna was happy, and he was happy for Spamton. He smiled a little to himself as he remembered seeing Spamton’s new body for the first time. He was beautiful—well, Tenna had thought that long before his new form but—it wasn’t just how he looked, it was how he had acted. Spamton was no longer holding himself back, was no longer afraid of receiving love, no longer thought he was unworthy. It had been like a flood, one Tenna was only too happy to be swept up in. They’d been barely able to keep their hands off each other as they practically ran back to the castle, and once they were inside, they’d made love until they’d been too tired to continue. Tenna had lain there with Spamton snuggled against his chest, whispering “I love you” next to his speakers as they both slipped into unconsciousness.
He should have been exhausted, so why, then was he awake probably less than an hour later, wired and agitated? And yes—exhausted. From the lovemaking, yes, but also—
Unbearable agony in his chest. He was being torn apart atom by atom as his soul energy drained away—drained into Spamton.
His screen—not cracked, but shattered. Burning pain as each piece reattached—he could feel every awful, endless moment of it as Spamton begged him to say “F1” over and over.
Tenna flinched, pressing a hand to his heart compartment. It was still there. Well, of course it was.
“When this is over, we’ll both sleep easier.”
Well, that was a lie. Tenna glared at the clock, but the time determinedly read 4:22 A.M. He let out a long sigh, glancing over at Spamton. He was still getting used to Spamton’s new appearance—somewhere between the NEO body and addison. Robot and code. A perfect blend of both, with a little fluffiness thrown in for good measure. Spamton was out like a light. At least someone could sleep easier.
So why couldn’t Tenna? With a groan, he righted himself, gently removing Spamton’s arm and sitting on the edge of the bed, looking out the window of their balcony. Maybe I just need some fresh air. He got to his feet, wincing from the myriad of little aches and pains. Mostly pleasant ones in his lower region, reminding him of what he and Spamton had been doing earlier.
But there was another one, an ache in his chest. He couldn’t tell if it was psychosomatic or real. He really hoped it was the former. He pulled his boxers on and tried not to worry.
Out on the balcony, the cool air felt bracing against his body—he tended to run hot, so a cool environment was always welcoming. Although it was never really a sunrise in a Dark World, there was a difference in the way the sky looked in the depths of night vs. day. And Tenna did love the stars.
His thoughts began to wander, as though the cool air had freed up some mental blockage. The things that had happened tonight finally began to trickle in. Now that he had time to process. He’d been so swept up in the ecstasy of Spamton, and his joy, and their love, that he hadn’t really had time to feel anything else. And now his other emotions from the night finally began to unspool.
Disappointment. Worry. Confusion. Nervousness. Terror. Despair. Hope. Relief.
Anger.
Whoa, whoa, rewind. Where did that last one come from?
His first instinct was to shove it away and not think about it. Except he’d spent almost his whole life not actually dealing with his anger or any of his more unpleasant, complicated feelings in a healthy way and it had led to the mother of all meltdowns in TV World. No, he needed to deal with it.
He was angry. Why?
Because I almost died tonight, twice.
Ok. That was easy enough. Start with that.
He’d almost died before, once—no. Not once.
Twice. The second near-death experience had been at the hands of—
“NOT JUST SPAMTON. SURELY YOU REMEM-[[bar]] ME?”
God. Twice. That was twice now that NEO had almost killed him. And that made four times total. And three of them were at the hands of…
Fuck.
He leaned his screen into his hands. His thoughts were beginning to wander down another path, one that he often didn’t let himself stray down. This was the path he’d let himself go onto when he was feeling particularly mean or selfish or frustrated. With himself. WIth his circumstances. With… Spamton.
And now he was deep into the proverbial woods. He wanted to drop this line of thinking and go back to bed but he also knew he needed to deal with this.
Am I angry at Spamton?
Yes. The answer came almost instantly and he let out a shaky breath. Ok. Well, he’d been angry with Spamton many times in the past, so it wasn’t like this was a new feeling.
What was he angry about?
He tried to kill me.
Ok, ok, back up. That wasn’t really true. Spamton had explicitly tried to reassure him that he wouldn’t do that when Tenna had given him permission to use his soul energy. And NEO… well, NEO hadn’t tried to kill him this time, though part of Tenna wondered whether, had he irritated the giant enough instead of trying to stop him by force, that NEO wouldn’t have consigned him to death like he had the rest of Castle Town.
Oh my God. NEO would have killed everyone. He would have destroyed all of this. He looked out onto the quiet town and felt sick.
He pressed a hand over his screen, noting how it was shaking a little. He would have killed for a cigarette, but that would have meant going back inside and possibly waking up Spamton, and he really… really didn’t want to talk to him right now, he realized.
Ok, so, he hadn’t tried to kill Tenna but… Tenna had felt he was going to die twice that night. Once because he… because he trusted Spamton and had wanted to help him. Once because he’d decided that he’d rather die trying to stop NEO than watch his… his lover, the person he loved… kill all of their friends in a deranged power trip.
The more he thought about that, the more horrified he felt. He remembered staring up into that face, into those crazed eyes and gleeful smile as NEO brushed off each and every desperate reason Tenna gave him for why he shouldn’t blow Castle Town off the map. It had only been at the last second that Tenna had changed his mind by… nearly killing himself, and to do what? Distract NEO? Make him feel bad? Depower him, somehow? To get through to Spamton, he thought. It wasn’t the first time he’d encountered NEO, and it hadn’t been the first time he’d witnessed two distinct personalities at war with each other, with NEO seeming to be a manifestation of all of Spamton’s ugliest thoughts and impulses without any check.
But they had been Spamton’s thoughts and impulses.
And, when he’d been mortally injured, Spamton—his Spamton—had come to the surface, and he had indeed felt horrible. He’d never wanted to hurt Tenna, and was immediately remorseful about both that and his plan to destroy Castle Town. It was like he had snapped back to his senses.
Like he had that night he’d thrown a pepper shaker at Tenna at that restaurant and cracked his screen the first time.
Fuck. The first time. He squeezed the metal railing under his hands, wishing briefly he could just twist it into a useless bar of rebar, but there was no point in breaking his stuff because he was angry. He’d had enough of that. He was trying to be better.
He was trying to be better.
Was Spamton trying to be better?
Yes, he was. After they’d gotten past their initial, ginormous issues, Spamton had opened up to him, as best as he seemed able. He’d been wounded, deeply, in both body and spirit, and when he didn’t feel like sharing he would lash out at Tenna for prying. Just like he would back in their Big Shot days. But that was just how he was. Except this time, the thing he’d been hiding had nearly killed Tenna.
Twice.
Now that Spamton had what he’d been so desperate to find, would he keep hiding things? What if he wasn’t satisfied with this body? What would happen the next time he was so angry he couldn’t control himself? He was as big as Tenna now, he could probably ki—
No. Don’t think like that. He wouldn’t… he would never do that.
Except he has before, hasn’t he?
That was NEO, though. And NEO had not just been a Spamton not in his right mind. It had been a Spamton barely in control. But still. NEO didn’t just act on instinct; he had attacked Tenna because Spamton had been so angry he’d been willing to at least hurt him.
Tenna realized how unbelievably lucky he’d been, that NEO hadn’t gotten bored or annoyed and just killed him on the spot tonight. Some kind of twisted gratitude, he supposed, for letting Spamton use his energy to attain the powerful body.
“OH, TENNA! DON’T YOU REALIZE? YOU HE-LPED ME [[GET]] THIS FORM. SO-O, YOU’RE COMPLICIT. IN THIS.”
Did Spamton… feel like he was justified in hurting Tenna because of things Tenna had done to hurt and anger him?
And Tenna knew he was certainly no saint; he’d said and done a lot of things to Spamton that he still regretted. He’d never, ever hit Spamton. But he had used his strength against him before, he remembered with a shamed wince, remembering the times he’d picked Spamton up, grabbed him, pushed him against a wall, intimidated him. Never hit him, but definitely had used more force than was needed. And that wasn’t even going into all the awful things he’d said to his mailman, all the ways he’d manipulated him during their Big Shot era.
Certainly Tenna was no stranger to justifying using violence against someone he claimed to love. How he’d imprisoned Toriel, his last loyal Lightner viewer. How he’d hurt the kids during his game show as his panic and rage spiraled out of control.
And both times, just like Spamton had, he’d felt immense remorse.
So was he a bad person? Was Spamton?
Was he spiraling so hard that he was questioning everything he thought he knew about Spamton and their relationship, or had this night forced him to confront the things he’d always known were there?
He took a breath. Ok. Think. Was he a bad person? Tenna had done some awful stuff but he’d like to think on balance he was a better person than not, and he was certainly working to make amends for the awful things he had done in the past.
Was Spamton a bad person? No. Spamton had done a lot of bad things. But, he’d also been pushed to the point of desperation by many circumstances outside of his control. Tenna could relate to that. And he certainly would never begrudge Spamton for being able to finally make peace with himself, and put all his pieces together. Spamton had suffered in ways that Tenna could only imagine and if he’d been in Spamton’s place, he’d…
Well, he wasn’t sure how far he’d be willing to go. He’d gone pretty far just when he thought he was one bad day away from being discarded.
He remembered how as soon as NEO had arrived, he was ready to punish everyone in Castle Town for the things that had happened to him. At that moment, NEO… Spamton… had certainly felt justified in hurting people in response to his own pain. Just like he had when he’d attacked Tenna the first time in Castle Town. Tenna hoped dearly that there was no trace of that NEO left in his lover.
But when he’d used Tenna’s energy, his soul energy… he hadn’t intended to hurt him, but he hadn’t… seemed to care… that he was hurting Tenna at that moment either. And that wasn’t done out of anger, that was done out of desperation, and need. A desperate Spamton who had been pushed to extreme measures.
Just like in the restaurant. Hell, just like that first night in Castle Town. A Spamton pushed into a terrible mental place had made terrible choices. They’d been fortunate, tonight, that Tenna hadn’t died while Spamton used his energy to seek out NEO.
What if he had? Would Spamton have cared? Yes. Yes, he would have. He would have been horrified and remorseful, just like he was when Tenna had hurt himself stopping NEO. But he had still been willing to injure Tenna to get what he wanted. He’d been self-assured enough that he didn’t think it would kill Tenna, and his gamble had paid off, but what if it hadn’t? That scared Tenna. Spamton had scared Tenna there. And that had been Tenna, not NEO, so there wasn’t that excuse.
“That’s fine. I don’t mind hurting for you.”
He’d meant it at the time, as NEO had wept over his injuries and apologized for hurting him. He’d meant it, because he loved Spamton enough to make that sacrifice for him. And he didn’t regret it—he may very well have been the one person standing between Castle Town and annihilation.
But no, it wasn’t fine. He did mind. He didn’t enjoy being hurt by Spamton, and knowing that Spamton had hurt him tonight, not once, but twice, and neither time out of anger? That hurt a lot.
That Spamton had been willing to throw away everything they’d had together on his power trip, for the body he’d risked so much for, hurt. That NEO had been worth more than all their moments together, than the life they had been building together, than Tenna’s love for him—that really hurt.
Don’t be selfish, he thought, annoyed at himself. Who was he to consign Spamton to a lifetime in that cursed puppet body for his own comfort? Spamton had never been happy as a puppet, Tenna knew that, as much as he tried to help, and NEO was a way out. Tenna understood that. But was it selfish to be angry and spooked about the price he’d almost paid so that Spamton could be normal? Tenna didn’t think so.
And now Spamton had his perfect body. So, was that the end of the anger, and the hiding things, and the lashing out when he thought Tenna was pushing too far? Now that Spamton had what he wanted, did he expect things to just be perfect between them?
Tenna wasn’t sure yet, because… because Spamton had badly shaken his trust in him tonight. And that made him profoundly sad. Spamton was still his Spamton, it was true, he certainly talked and felt and acted like Spamton, albeit more open and relaxed, but what other parts were integrated into the whole puzzle now? If any part of that… that monster was still in there Tenna swore he was going to…
I’m going to what? Make him undo himself? Fat chance. I’m going to have to figure out how to live with it.
Or not live with it...
No. They were bonded, he would never leave. Maybe that made Tenna pathetic—hell, he knew he tended towards codependency, it was part of being the kind of Darkner that he was but—no. Leaving wasn’t what he wanted. He loved Spamton too much. He wanted to make this work. He was going to make this work.
And that meant… he was going to have to bring up his feelings about everything that had happened.
He was angry. He was hurt.
Yeah, you can have my full and unconditional love, Tenna, after I almost kill you to get what I want. You don’t mind, right? You’d do anything for me because you love me too much to say no. Because you’re a stupid, lonely old Darkner who wouldn’t have anyone if I wasn’t here. And don’t mind that I almost went on a killing spree, that was just a little oopsie! Good thing you were there to almost kill yourself to make me stop cause I certainly wouldn’t have by myself! But hey, I healed you, so that undoes any pain I caused you in the first place, right?
After all, you’ve already done so much for me, what’s a little near-death experience?
Tenna wiped furiously at his screen. His soul clenched painfully at the thought. No, Spamton would never do that. Never. He wouldn’t treat Tenna that way, he wouldn’t disregard his feelings that way. Especially not now.
He had plenty to be angry about, but there was no reason to make up problems that hadn’t actually happened.
Angel, he was tired. What time was it? He didn’t know how long he’d been out here. He checked his system clock and winced. It was almost 6 A.M. He needed to go to bed so badly. Even though he was still hurt, and still angry, he felt a tiny bit better now that he’d sorted through the painful mess of thoughts and feelings. He would talk to Spamton, and it wouldn’t be pleasant, but it would be worth it. Hopefully. That was part of a mature relationship.
He made his way quietly back into the room, appreciating the sudden warmth after being out in the chilly early morning air. Spamton was still asleep—Tenna wasn’t surprised, he’d had a wild night—so hopefully he wouldn’t wake up as Tenna carefully slid into bed—
“Mmmmm. Tens?”
Well, so much for that plan. Tenna sighed and laid down, anxiety sparking in his circuits. Spamton blinked awake, reaching for him. He let Spamton pull him in for a long kiss and nearly lost his resolve there and then. No, he needed to say these things. Even if they upset Spamton.
“Why are you so cold?” Spamton pulled back, looking bemused. “Were you outside?”
“Oh, uh. Yeah. I just needed some fresh air.” God, now that he was laying down, the exhaustion was hammering at him. Maybe this conversation could wait until later. Maybe he could…
“Hey, hey, Tens. You’re drifting off.” Spamton nudged his arm. Tenna felt a flash of irritation.
“Yeah, because I’m really tired.”
Spamton smirked. “How ti—geez, Cathode, your whole side of th’ bed’s cold! How long were you out there?”
Tenna shrugged, half-asleep. “Coupla’ hours…”
“A couple HOURS?” Oh, great, now here came the questions. “Tenna, what—what were you doing out there for a couple hours? What, didja take a walk around Castle Town?”
Luckily, there is one left for me to walk around in! His exhaustion was making him cranky and he was going to say something he’d regret. “No, I was just on the balcony.”
“For hours?” Spamton was starting to look concerned. “Tenna, are you ok?”
No, I’m not. Tenna peered at him, trying to wake himself up. So far, this was an amazingly unproductive start to the conversation he wanted to have. That would teach him to try to sort his feelings out at four in the morning. “I’m… I’m…”
“Tenna, what—what is going on?” Spamton reached for him and Tenna flinched without realizing it. Oh shit. I didn’t mean to do that! Spamton withdrew, looking confused and a little hurt.
“I’m sorry, Spamton.” Tenna sat up, rubbing a hand over his screen. “I—I’m just… I’ve been thinking about a lot of stuff and I’m tired and… um, look, I’ll just make some coffee and then I’ll be more awake.”
“Ohhh-kay…” Spamton looked very confused. From his perspective, it probably felt like he’d fallen asleep with one Tenna and woken up to another one. Well…
Welcome to the club, pal!
Tenna made coffee for both of them, it was basically autopilot at this point. If he was going to do this now, Spamton was going to be good and awake for it. He felt Spamton come up behind him and, hesitantly, wrap his arms around Tenna’s waist. He felt the warm pressure of Spamton against him, now as tall as he was. His body was somehow familiar despite being unfamiliar. It felt nice. Really nice. Tenna sighed as Spamton leaned up and kissed his bare shoulder.
“Coffee’s ready.”
“Smells good.” Spamton didn’t let go of him. “Tenna…”
“Spammy.” He turned around, kissing Spamton on the forehead. The height thing would take a lot of getting used to. “Your coffee.” He handed him the mug. Spamton accepted it, skeptically raising an eyebrow.
“Yer being weird.”
“I had a weird night,” replied Tenna. He watched Spamton’s face go from skeptical to surprised, to confused, to worried, then back to confused. He took a deep breath. “Ok… when I was on the balcony—well, I was on the balcony because I couldn’t sleep. And the more I was out there—I guess I realized that I’m not—I’m not ok… with everything that happened. Last night.”
“Oh geez.” Spamton set his coffee down and made a ‘go-ahead’ gesture. “Alright. Let’s hear it.”
His attitude struck Tenna as a little dismissive and it agitated him. But he’d let it go, and be mature about it, he coached himself as he sipped his coffee. It was a little hard to take Spamton completely seriously as from what Tenna could tell he was… naked? But it didn’t matter. He needed to say what he was going to say.
“All right. Two things.” He held up his fingers for emphasis. “The NEO on a rampage thing? I didn’t like that at all. I’m still pretty pissed about that, and what I had to do—” He swallowed as his heart compartment throbbed, “—what I… did to make you stop.” He saw Spamton’s face fall, and was slightly, selfishly glad to see that his partner looked pretty damn guilty. Tenna took a breath. “And two, the way you used my soul energy to get the body. I KNOW I gave you permission. But you didn’t tell me what it would be for, and it almost killed me.”
Spamton opened his mouth, closed it again, and pushed both hands through his hair. It reminded Tenna of the stressed body language he’d adopt in the old days when things were going badly. His partner finally looked back at him, his expression anguished. Tenna felt a little guilty. Spamton had finally gotten all his pieces back, and not even 24 hours in Tenna was stepping all over his high.
And what price did it come at, Spammy? he thought, trying not to feel too guilty. You can’t do what you did and not expect me not to care.
“I thought… I thought that we talked about this already!” came Spamton’s reply. “I apologized for what I did, I felt horrible, you know I did!” He gestured at Tenna’s screen. “I never meant to—I wouldn’t have let you die!”
The thing that Tenna was either creeped out by or impressed by, he couldn’t tell yet, was how calm he felt. Usually his emotions were at a 9 or 10 and rising when they had these arguments. “Spamton, if I had died from the energy drain, you wouldn’t have been able to do anything about that, unless that… that body could fix dead Darkners.”
“You wouldn’t have died from—”
“My HP was almost to ZERO, Spamton!” Oh, ok, there was the shouting. Well. “I told you it was KILLING me, and you kept going! If you had taken a little longer out there, I don’t know if I would be here now! You didn’t even seem to care! You just thought I’d hit my head! Did you even notice what you’d done?”
Spamton’s face went dead pale, which was an accomplishment for him. He swallowed hard and looked away. “Tens—I—”
“Did you notice, or didn’t you?”
The answer was very soft. “... No. I—I didn’t. I’m s… I’m sorry, Tenna.” His voice choked up.
Tenna pressed a hand over his heart compartment. “Well, you have—had—have a lot of magic, so presumably no long-term damage was done. But you can’t do that to me ever again, Spamton. You can’t take advantage of my goodwill to get me to do something that dangerous again.”
“I won’t… God, Tenna, I never wanted to hurt you… I just…” Tears were welling up in Spamton’s eyes and Tenna felt like an ass. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Tens.”
“Spamton… I’m not saying all this because I hate that you have this body now. I’m glad you found all your pieces. I’m happier for you than you know. I know I don’t sound like it, but I am, truly. I don’t even mind that you needed my energy for it. But it was so much energy, and then… it wasn’t you, it was just him.”
“Him?”
“NEO.”
“Tenna.” Spamton wiped at his tears, gesturing to himself.
“No, not—I’m not calling you NEO. You’re Spamton to me. Just Spamton. I mean that… person you became last night.”
“Oh. Yeah. I… that was… really stupid.”
“That’s putting it mildly! I’m just glad you came to your senses before you killed everyone.” Tenna’s voice grew hard. He slammed his mug down on the counter with enough force to slop coffee onto it. “Did you even realize what you were doing? Or was he in control?”
“It’s… it’s complicated, ok? When I’m—when I was in that body—it was like I was me, but with no restraint. It just seemed like… NEO is so powerful, so why bother?” Spamton’s answer worried Tenna.
“NEO being so powerful is exactly the reason you would need more restraint!”
“I know! I know that now! But last night… it was just… you don’t understand, Tenna, it’s like… it just swept me along. Like, I thought about getting back at the people in Castle Town and it was all I could think about. I wanted to use that power. Wanted to pay everyone back for everything I went through. I mean, it’s not like I didn’t think about that when I wasn’t NEO! I thought about it for years! And I suddenly had the power to act on every horrible thought I’d ever had. It was like…”
“YOU CA-AN’T STOP NEO.”
“It was a power trip.”
Spamton nodded, looking sheepish. “Yeah… that’s a good way of putting it.”
“So if I hadn’t stopped you, you’d have… what, gone through with it?” Spamton couldn’t even look at him. “God, Spammy! What was your plan afterwards?”
“I wasn’t thinking!”
“OBVIOUSLY!”
Spamton’s wings snapped open in agitation. “Tenna, WHAT DO YOU WANT? You want another apology, cause you can have it! I’ll apologize a thousand times if that’s what it’ll take!”
“I want to know you’ll never DO something like this again, Spamton! I don’t want to have to die to stop you! I don’t want to…” Tenna swallowed hard, tears pricking his screen. “I don’t want to… be hurt because you couldn’t or didn’t want to stop yourself. I want to know that I matter more to you than that.” He pressed his hand to his mouth, tears flowing thick and fast now. “Doesn’t… anything I d-did matter? I know I couldn’t fix your body, I know that’s what you’ve wanted all this time, but did I mean anything more to you than just a c-c-convenient energy source so you could b-be…” He gestured at Spamton from his severely decreased height. His mailman looked stricken, tears glistening on his face. “I-I just want to know that the next time he comes out, I don’t have to beg and plead f-for you not to kill everyone! How many t-times…” He was crying too hard to articulate his next words.
Warm arms wrapped around him, pulling him against the fur and metal of Spamton’s chest. Tenna could hear his heart racing under his chest plate.
“I’m sorry, Ant I’m sorry.” Spamton’s ragged, tear-filled voice filled his head, and he found it soothing. Spamton rocked him gently, apologizing over and over as they both cried.
Eventually Tenna felt calmer and took a breath. Spamton was resting his chin on the top of his frame, which was damp with tears. “S-Spammy?”
“Tenna? Hey.” Spamton’s voice was very soft as he looked down at the TV Darkner.
“I-I’m sorry.”
“YOU’RE sorry? For what?”
“For ruining your first day in your nice new body,” mumbled Tenna against his chest plate, sniffling. “I know you were happy—believe me, I know—and I wanted so badly to just be happy for you but, once things calmed down, I just…”
“No, Tens, you were right. Last night feels like it took a week but I didn’t even—I never checked on you. You just seemed ok after I healed you so I kind of assumed.”
“I do appreciate you healing me on the boardwalk.” chuckled Tenna, meeting his gaze. Spamton looked nervous.
“And, um… do you forgive me for the other stuff?”
Tenna blew out a breath. He knew in his heart that Spamton had never intended to hurt him, and that he’d been very stupid, but his apology was sincere. He was still hurt, but his anger had lessened considerably.
“Are you going to do it again?”
“Never. I swear. I know, I’ve promised not to hurt you before and that ended up being shit, I know I’m… I’m a lousy person, Ant, and I don’t blame you if you don’t want to put up with me anymore. But I will never do that again. I don’t ever have a reason to be… NEO again. I’m who I was meant to be.”
“You’re not a lousy person. Or you wouldn’t have apologized,” replied Tenna, slowly growing in his lap. At his regular height, he was a little taller than Spamton, so he let the former addison sit in his lap instead. “And I’m holding you to that. Don’t do it. Ever again. Please. Also, no I’m not leaving you. I thought you knew that by now.”
“I just…” Spamton rested his head against Tenna’s shoulder. “I guess I’m still nervous that eventually I’ll say or do something and that’ll be…”
“I’m not throwing you away. I love you. I want to stay with you. But that doesn’t mean I’ll never get angry at you or argue with you. That’s normal. And we’re really good at arguing.” Spamton gave a watery chuckle.
“I really screwed up,” he mumbled against Tenna’s neck.
Tenna sighed. “Yeah. But, who knows, maybe it was the only way you could have gotten your body. And you having this body is a good thing.” He kissed Spamton on the cheek and his mailman shivered.
“It should never have come at the cost of hurting you. I shouldn’t have…” Spamton stared down at his hands. “I should have found another way.”
“Spamton. Listen to me.” Tenna took his face in his hands. “I will never regret you seeing you finally be you. I will never regret seeing how happy you were last night, and I definitely don’t regret what happened after.” Spamton grinned in spite of himself. Tenna kissed him and then continued, “The other stuff that happened… it was pretty bad and I’m not fully over it. I wish you hadn’t hurt me. But I do forgive you. And, Spamton? I am happy for you.”
“I swear I’ll never hurt you again. I mean… I can’t promise I won’t ever do things that upset or disappoint you, I mean you know me, but I’ll do the best I can. But I will never hurt you like that again. I promise, Tens. I’m so sorry for what I did.”
“I know. I know you are. I forgive you.” It would take him a while to get past the fear and the pain from that night, but he felt a lot better. “Oh, Spammy…” He brushed away the tears on his partner’s face. “It’s ok. I’m ok.”
“Tenna?”
“Yes?”
“Everything you’ve done did matter—does matter to me. I know it didn’t fix my body, but I’ve always noticed what you’ve done for me and it did matter that you’ve put all this effort into helping me. Even if I’ve… had trouble showing it.”
Tenna smiled.