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‘Doctor? Can I ask you a question?’
‘You just did! Ha!’
‘...’
‘Uhm, yes. What do you want to know, Clara?’
‘It’s about River.’
‘Of course. What do you want to know?’
‘She’s dead, isn’t she?’
‘Technically, yes. She’s been... She died a long time ago. But it’s complicated.’
‘Wow... I haven’t noticed, thanks for pointing that out. Really, you couldn’t make it more obvious if you put ‘it’s complicated’ as your relationship status on Facebook.’
‘My what?’
‘You know, never mind. Care to make it less complicated?’
‘She was – she is - a time traveller. And we meet out of order. Sometimes I meet younger her, sometimes it’s older her that shows up.’
‘That must be difficult. Meeting her like that when you know what happens.’
‘We make do.’
‘Oh yes. I am sure of that. Jenny told me that after I- you know, jumped in there, you took your sweet time enthusiastically tonguing thin air.’
‘I was not-’
‘Must have been quite a sight. Shame I couldn’t see it, because I was busy saving you. Would you care to do that again? There’s plenty of air here.’
‘Clara!’
‘I understand that it’s not the same when the missus isn’t here. But you may still find it to your liking. So... Will you see her again? Younger her, I mean.’
‘I don’t know. Probably. Maybe.’
‘I would like to meet her. Properly this time. Without you dying on us, you know. And with her being properly real.’
‘I am sure she’d like to meet you too.’
‘And... You are married?’
‘Yes. We got married in an alternative timeline, right before I died.’
‘What?’
‘A lovely ceremony, very private. And then there was this thing when we ran into a river on K’hiurh – I mean a real river, with water, even though it wasn’t water, but liquefied diamonds – and that’s how they get married there. So it was another one.’
‘I-‘
‘And then there was this time with Marilyn – actually, a second time for me, first time for River. And then-‘
‘Okay, okay! I get the picture. So you just randomly marry each other all over time and space?’
‘You know how it is. These things just... happen.’
‘Right.’
‘I hope you’re not jealous.’
‘Excuse me?’
‘You know, I would understand if you’re jealous.’
‘I’m not.’
‘It is okay if you are, it’s normal and- What?’
‘I am not jealous.’
‘You’re not?’
‘Why would I be jealous?’
‘No reason. It’s just we travel together and- I think I should stop talking now.’
‘Yes, you should.’
‘...’
‘Okay, one more thing. How come she agreed to marry you?’
‘What do you mean how?’
‘Look, I do not want to be impolite, but have you seen yourself?’
‘I do not see where you’re going with this.’
‘And have you seen her?’
‘Of course I have! I’ve met her hundred times!’
‘She’s hot. I mean – really hot.’
‘Yes, I know-.’
‘Great hair. Insanely great hair! Have you seen how fluffy it is? I wish I could touch it. Do you think that she’ll let me touch it if we meet again?’
‘Clara-‘
‘And her face? It’s kind of perfect. And her mouth? Don’t get me started on it.’
‘What-‘
‘And she is all mature and confident and she just... oozes these things! And you should have seen her during that meeting. She immediately knew what to do when the Whispermen appeared. She’s really smart, isn’t she?’
‘Yes, she is, but-‘
‘And then there’s you. Come on, you must know you look like a 12-year-old, right?’
‘Oi!’
‘I saw earlier you’s – and none of them looked so underage. Something really went wrong here.’
‘Now, that is just-‘
‘Not to mention that you are all... Flaily. You’re like a walking rectangle with spaghetti limbs. You cannot even control them. You trip over thin air! Thin air that you also like to snog from time to time. And do I even have to mention your chin? One could use it as a coat hanger.’
‘Clara!’
‘Or your ears?’
‘My ears are fine!’
‘And you cannot pilot your own ship! I bet she can do it better.’
‘She cannot. She only claims she can.’
‘...’
‘Fine, maybe she does fly her a bit better. But it’s boring!’
‘Yeah, whatever you say. So. How did you do that?’
‘Do what?’
‘Convince her to marry you.’
‘I didn’t have to convince her!’
‘Did she lose a bet?’
‘What? No!’
‘She did, didn’t she? She lost a bet, because you cheated and she had to marry you.’
‘No! Nothing like that happened!’
‘Was she drunk? Or drugged?’
‘Don’t be ridiculous!’
‘If anything here is ridiculous, it’s the fact that she married you. So what? Does she work in a ‘Make A Wish’ Foundation?’
‘Clara, honestly – nothing like that happened! It was consensual and-‘
‘Did you tell her that the whole reality is in danger and if she marries you, she can save it?’
‘...’
‘Oh. My. Stars.’
‘... It wasn’t like that!’
‘You did! You told her that!’
‘It was complicated!’
‘Like hell it was! I knew it! I knew that you had to trick her into it!’
‘I did not!’
‘And now you want give her a divorce! Or divorces?! That’s why you married her a few times! So she can’t get rid of you so easily!’
‘No, Clara, it wasn’t like that! She... She agreed to every one of these marriages! She did. And so did I. We are both adults-‘
‘She most certainly is, not sure about you.’
‘Oi! I am over 1000 years old! Compared to me she’s a child!’
‘Oh great. Now you just showed how pervy you really are.’
‘Clara! I am not... pervy! If anything, River is the one who is dirty! Not me!’
‘Now, that is interesting. Tell me more. Is she a screamer? She looks like she might be.’
‘We are not talking about that!’
‘Why not? You started it.’
‘No, you started it! And you want to know all the private things!’
‘Okay. Fine. Fine. You don’t have to say anything. Maybe I’ll find out on my own.’
‘Thank you. Wait. What?’
‘You know, if River visits us again, anything can happen, right?’
‘And if she realises that I am a much better choice than you are, well, who am I to refuse her?’
‘No, no, no, no, no! Clara, it’s my wife you’re talking about!’
‘She won’t be your wife for much longer if I can help it.’
‘Clara!’
‘Oh, and Doctor? Once she finally divorces you, I am calling dibs.’
‘Clara!!’