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Peace and quiet serving His Majesty rarely lasts long. Especially for those who report to M.
For some reason not understood by any of the MI-6 or MI-5 analysts, the Corsican nationalist group had made common cause with Chechnyan separatists. This unholy alliance decided bombing high-profile targets was the most judicious way to free their respective territories. There were murmurs of kidnappings. His Majesty’s service would not allow this nonsense to continue.
The Destruction Duo was dispatched to prevent the loss of further human life. The loss of historical buildings was a foregone casualty. Q was incensed. “With all possible respect, sir, have you lost your mind? Our budgets will NEVER recover from 006 and 007 being sent out on a mission where explosions are the order of the day! My gods, the sheer cultural decline we’ll have to answer for to Parliament!”
M endeavored to keep his temper. “Q, this is a mission of the utmost importance. The Prince of Wales is the intended target. 006 and 007 have the highest success rate in all of 6. They speak the necessary languages. They don’t need to speak to communicate, which is invaluable in high pressure situations. I feel His Majesty will allow anything under these circumstances.”
“Understood, sir. I want this to be formal notice of my protest,” Q sniffed and stalked out.
Trevelyan and Bond were waiting when he got back to his branch. “I want the two of you on your best behavior with HRH. Do you understand me? I want him to know we are professionals here at 6.” “Q, I will be on my best behavior. His grandmother was delightful when we met at the Olympics,” Bond smirked. “I promise, druzhok. We won’t put a scratch on William.” “Don’t test me, Trevelyan. The separatist group has already blown up 4 buildings. You are not allowed ideas without my approval. Do you understand me?” He kitted out 006 and 007 appropriately with earpieces, guns, phones, knives, garrotes, and feather-light bulletproof jackets. “There are extra earpieces in this case. Please give one to His Majesty when you find him. The King will want to be assured of his son’s good health. Now, heed my words you two. This is a delicate mission. Do be careful with my equipment. His Majesty mustn’t think our agents simply throw away their equipment mid-mission.”
The mission went to pot quickly. His Majesty was snatched after the Greg James charity bike ride. Someone had tipped off the kidnappers that MI-6 would get involved. It took thirteen hours, six cups of tea, and enough hacking for MI-5 to salivate to find the small airport in the middle of nowhere. 006 was all for driving a truck into the building, but Q didn’t want to see the corpse of the future king stuck in the grille. The boys were directed to stash the car a klick away and sneak in. The sentries were taken out without too much fuss. The security system gave Q some trouble, but eventually it was subdued. Q watched from his platform as 007 freed His Majesty and handed him an earpiece. Q calmly stated, “Good evening, Your Highness. I am Q. Please listen to what the agents direct and we'll get you home shortly.” “Q? The legendary hacker that made Boothroyd excited about technology?” “Sir, perhaps my history can be discussed when you aren’t under fire. Left please 007!” Surprisingly, HRH’s military experience came in handy. Prince William picked up a discarded weapon and shot a man sneaking up on 006. “I owe you a pint,” Alec laughed. Q directed the group to the hangar. The head of the kidnapping was running out on the tarmac to get to an Apache helicopter. 007 shot out his knee. The pilot got out and ran. 006 trussed up the kidnapper and slung him in the helicopter. “Damn! I can’t fly this!” “Good thing I can.” “Fair play, Your Majesty,” 007 crooned while 006 shot a rocket launcher at the doors, sealing the villains inside. The flames visible on the screens reflected in Q’s glasses. “Double. Oh. Six.” “Q, I am protecting HRH. Needs must.” “Quite,” Q seethed. M coughed into his fist while Tanner straightened his tie. Prince William hopped into the pilot’s seat and began the start-up sequence. HRH laughed, “This feels familiar. Usually I’m doing rescues, not rescuing myself.” “I’d love to hear all your stories over that pint,” Alec piped in.
The flight went well. Q directed them to an airport under British control. Colonel Harrington met them on the tarmac. “Your Highness, nice to see you again. Gotten yourself into trouble, I see.” “Colonel! I haven’t seen you in years! How’s your husband’s store doing? I was in some trouble, but as you can see MI-6 helped me out.” “My husband’s bookstore is doing well sir. He just put in plans to expand. Commander Bond, Major Trevelyan, pleasure to make your acquaintance.” The boys saluted simultaneously. “Ma’am.” “I’m pleased to see His Majesty in one piece. Well done.” “Thank you, ma’am,” Bond replied. “He certainly helped out, ma’am,” Trevelyan almost giggled. “He shot someone sneaking up on me.” “I’m not surprised. If family duty hadn’t called, I’m sure His Majesty would have more bands on his uniform.” “I had excellent trainers,” the Prince demurred. “Though I am a bit knackered. Any chance for some tea and perhaps a kip?” “This way, Your Highness. We have a private plane to take you back,” Harrington swept her hand towards the hangar. Q branch let out a collective sigh of relief. No more shenanigans. The King was quietly informed by M that his son was en route for home. The flight was a quiet one. Everyone had a wash, a cuppa, and lost consciousness. Trevelyan’s chin was tucked to his chest as he snoozed. Bond’s head was tilted to the side with soft snores. Prince William was sprawled in his seat, clearly worn out from his ordeal.
The King was overjoyed with the return of his son. M pulled 006, 007, and Q into his office. “Congratulations on your successful mission. His Majesty the King is thrilled with your actions returning his son. 006, 007, there will be private medal ceremonies in your future. Q, His Majesty the Prince specifically recommended you for a CBE.” Q sniffed at this. “Well done, all of you. Now, Bond and Trevelyan, please report to Q branch to return your kit. Both of you are on mandatory two-week leave. Make sure you report to Medical after returning your kit. Dismissed.”
Q stalked out of the office after nodding to M. 006 and 007 both said "Sir” as they followed their quartermaster. Moneypenny and Tanner were waiting at Moneypenny’s desk. “Congratulations, Q. His Majesty has taken a shine to you. Perhaps you can get me an invitation to the garden party?” “Moneypenny, you will never have blades in your Ferragamo’s if you continue this nonsense.” “Q, you are getting recognized by Crown. Please take the compliment,” Tanner sighed. “I was doing my job, as I do every single day.” “Are you mad he noticed when no one noticed before?” Moneypenny chirped. “I have no idea what you’re referring to, Miss Moneypenny. 006, 007, follow me.” Q straightened his glasses and headed for the elevators. Bond and Trevelyan exchanged nods with Moneypenny and Tanner before following Q.
The elevator ride down was silent. The anticipation built to an almost painful degree. Q stalked up to his platform. Trays at the ready to receive anything the boys still had. “Both of you divest yourselves of any equipment you may possess.” Bond put all of his equipment on the tray. “Only a few tears in the jacket, Q.” Trevelyan dumped what he had. The knife was only a handle at this point. The ear piece was half melted. But everything else made it.
“Now. 006. 007. Let us discuss your actions on this extraordinarily high-profile mission. What part of you aren’t allowed ideas of your own was difficult to understand?” The bollocking was legendary. Q tore them up one side and down the other without raising his voice once. It was recorded in its entirety and played on the internal servers until they crashed. Psych secretly arranged for tea and meal delivery for Q for six months. They wanted to yell at Alec and James that way for a decade. R was in tears from giggling so hard. The minions applauded when 006 and 007 slunk out of the branch. Q straightened his cardigan and told everyone, “Back to work. The show is over.” A fresh cup of tea appeared in his hand.
James and Alec listened as the applause faded. “That went well.” “He is certainly flirting with us.” Alec agreed. “Perhaps he’ll enjoy Mama’s this evening? I know she has a table waiting for us,” James mused. “Let’s write our reports, then get ready for this evening. Q tends to get tired by 1800.” “Alec, you’ve noticed.” “Anything for our Q.”
The reports got filed on time. Medical was visited. The boys showered and got dressed in fresh suits. They waited patiently in their office for Q to get done with his day. By 1700, he began to droop. By 1800 he looked ragged and ready to fall asleep. Q gathered his satchel and gave final instructions for 001’s mission to R.
Alec and James met Q in the car park. “What do the two of you want now?! I thought you’d be licking your wounds with some bright-eyed beauties at the Savoy by now." James smirked at this. “Darling, you wound us.” “007, I will gut you and laugh over your intestines.” “You are a delight,” Alec smirked. “None of that. We have a table at Mama’s waiting for you. Homemade Italian from a Nona. Her ravioli will have you five kilos heavier by bedtime.” “006, have you gone mad?” “You don’t take care of yourself, druzhok. Let us feed you. It’s the least I can do for the knife and earpiece.” Q pondered this. He’s not sure if he was hallucinating this entire thing, but his stomach is complaining bitterly. James waited patiently by the Rover. Alec would get Q to agree. He had faith in his partner.
Q rolled his eyes fit for a 15-year-old. “Fine. You will buy me a feast. I will not mention the earpiece after this. Are we understood?” Alec nodded. James opened the door. Q climbed in with a sigh.
Mama’s fulfilled every stereotype of an Italian restaurant. The staff was clearly family. Mama herself came to give kisses and hugs to Alec and James. She threatened Q for being too skinny. A bottle of wine, antipasti, and garlic bread appeared. Q perked up at the smell. He chirped, “Grazie Nona,” and dove in with gusto. She laughed so hard her earrings shook. Other patrons glanced over. “I like you, skinny thing. You come eat here often. We get you fat enough to get a date. I have nieces and nephews.” She swished off to the kitchen.
James smiled as he poured glasses of wine. “I met Mama years ago. I had a craving after a mission. She handmakes the ravioli and cannoli daily.” “Jamesy pulled me in when I had a craving for pesto over gnocchi. If I were a decade older, she’d be my bride. I’d die in a week from a heart attack, but oh what a week I’d live.” Q had never seen them like this. No performance for a mark, M, or each other. How curious.
The food came out without being ordered. Obviously, they were here often enough to be regulars with known favorites. Q didn’t speak much. He just watched them interact. Eating off each other’s plates. Small smiles at each other. Chatting with the serving staff. They asked about schooling, siblings… they really knew them as people.
Mama brought out dessert herself. “Now, you eat a good supper. You have cannoli and cappuccino. You will come back to Nona, yes?” Q was quite sure he’ll waddle out of here, smelling of garlic for weeks. “Si Nona. I’ll come see you again.” “Good boy.” She patted his cheeks. “You skinny things need help. Nona fix you. Boys, your friend is welcome anytime. I have your table ready for your anniversary. Don’t forget to come to Nona, you hear?” “Nona, only a threat to the Crown would keep us away,” James answered. “You are the only woman for us,” Alec piped in.
“Anniversary?” Q questioned. “Yes. It’s 5 years in a month.” Q was shocked. “I had no idea!” “No one at 6 does.” James calmly sipped his cappuccino. “We want one or two things to be ours, Q. The crown takes all the rest of us. We do have it filed in medical for next of kin.”
Q immediately felt guilty. “I’m sorry. Had I known, I would have assigned you different missions. Being in a long-term committed relationship…” “No, druzhok. We will continue to do our jobs as they are. No special treatment.”
Q was silent as he poked at his cannoli. “Eat, Q. We didn’t tell you for guilt or to change your behavior. We trust you.” Alec wiped his mouth after finishing his bite. “We trust you to bring us home.” Q’s eyes teared up. He nodded and bit his dessert. The crunch was perfectly balanced with the sweet, creamy ricotta. He moaned involuntarily. Talia, their server, giggled as she picked up empty plates. “Mama got another convert.” She swished away with the same grace as her mother.
The bill was paid, coats were put on, Mama hugged everyone, and the Rover trundled off to Q’s flat. Q was in a bit of a daze. He watched the lights flash by the window. He wasn't sure what to think about this supper, this day, this mission. Alec and James quietly chatted in the front seats. Q listened to the rhythm of their conversation. Warm. Peaceful. Relaxed. Nothing he usually associated with the Destruction Duo. He thought that perhaps he shouldn’t think of them like that anymore.
James and Alec both got out of the Rover when they got to Q’s flat. “Home again safe and sound, Q.” “Bargain fulfilled.” Q was still feeling off. “Thank you both. For the extraordinary meal and conversation.” He fiddled with the strap of his satchel. “Sweet dreams, druzhok.” Alec leaned in for a brief hug. “Good night,” James smiled softly. They waited outside until Q was safely in the building. The Rover drove off when his lights turned on.
Q brushed his teeth and prepared for bed. As he put his glasses on the bedside table, Q had a new idea. Q began to think they might be flirting with him. How very odd.