Chapter Text
CENTAURS FOREVER
July 10th, 2021 - 4:12pm
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): i am warning you all right now to make good first impression or there will be punishments
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov) added Shane Hollander to the chat
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): holy fucking shit
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Hollander in the GC!! It’s happening man!!!
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): Bonjour Hollander!! Welcome to Ottawa!!
The Baby (Luca Haas): I knew this would happen and I still cannot believe it. I am in a group chat with Shane Hollander.
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): luca you are also still in group chat with me your hero
The Baby (Luca Haas): I’ve had a year to get used to you. This is SHANE HOLLANDER.
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): SHANE MOTHERFUCKIN HOLLANDER ON THE THE MOTHERFUCKIN CENTAURS BAYBEEEEEEEEEE
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): i keep thinking this is some sort of insane dream
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): but no. we got SHANE HOLLANDER.
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): because of HOMOPHOBIA!
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): rare homophobia win
Shane Hollander: Well let’s not go that far.
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): holmberg please refrain from being pro homophobia in the group chat or shane will report you to management
Shane Hollander: Shut the fuck up I would not do that
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): omg no to clarify i HATE homophobia shane i’m so sorry
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): this is a no homophobia chat 🙅♂️ i promise
Shane Hollander: It’s fine, I knew what you meant.
Shane Hollander: Anyway, hi everyone! Nice to be here officially.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes) changed Shane Hollander’s Name to Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander)
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Sorry, nicknames are mandatory.
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): better half??????
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): SIGNIFICANTLY better half!
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): yeah man hazy calls it like he sees it
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): it has been less than ten minutes and you have all already turned on me
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I like this. Very accurate.
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): shane do not bully me in work group chat it is unprofessional
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): You do NOT have a leg to stand on when it comes to being professional, dickhead.
Reformed Asshole (Troy Barrett): Woah, Hollander in the group chat.
Reformed Asshole (Troy Barrett): Already fighting with the fiance.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Having now realized I’ve known both of them while they were secretly together I think I can accurately say this is flirting, not fighting.
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): eh
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): It’s kind of both?
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): we are multitaskers 😈
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): this is so fucking crazy bro i’m watching the my hockey idols flirt slash fight in a group chat i am also in
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): and then we’re all going to play hockey together
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): this is like a daydream i had in high school
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): young stop making me feel old
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Do I wanna know what nose milk is in reference to?
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): snorted milk out of my nose once
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): You were. . . just drinking milk? Plain milk?
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): builds strong bones dude
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): shane i love you and would die for you many times over but you put kale in smoothies you do not have foot to stand on when it comes to eating weird things for health
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): do canadians not have those posters in their school of the milk guys
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): with the mustaches
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): y’know like britney spears
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Britney Spears?
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): she is famous pop star моя любовь
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Ilya, I know THAT.
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): shane, ignore young, the rest of us do
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): aw 😔
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Noted.
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): we’re not gonna point out roz being corny in russian? you can’t hide behind the cyrillic alphabet, we all have google translate and we WILL use it against you
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): shut up dykstra
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): So you guys just use this chat to, like. . . chat?
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Yeah, it’s weird right? Took me ages to get used to it.
The Baby (Luca Haas): What do you mean? Do other teams not have team group chats?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): No I mean Montreal had a group chat, we just only ever used it for work stuff. Like asking for practice times and confirming details for road trips and charity events. We never just talked.
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): i mean, we have that chat too, but this is a just for fun side chat
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): we ask every guy if they want to be in it when they join the team
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): we send them the “do you want to be in the optional fun side chats” google form
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): which they can use to join hazy’s comics chat, my bbq invite distro, and the semi-occasional karaoke thing the kids try to organize. they can also use it to add their partners to the WAG chat
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): no secrets but also no mandatory fun (which is not fun at all)
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): we love making fun optional here in beautiful ottawa
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): we didn’t send you the google form because roz insisted on signing you up for the chats he thought you’d like most lol but i can send it to you if you’d like to see them all
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): but yeah we got several chats
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Okay wait reading all that I realized Montreal definitely had a side chat I just wasn’t in, huh?
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Yeah, Toronto had one I wasn’t in.
Reformed Asshole (Troy Barrett): I remain sorry for that, buddy
The Baby (Luca Haas): That is so crazy. Why would they not want to be in a group chat with SHANE HOLLANDER!
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): forreal dude like wtf that’s SHANE HOLLANDER bro
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): everyone stop saying my fiance’s name in all caps
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): he will get big ego and leave me for younger man and i will take it all out on you
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): You just don’t like your team thinking I might be a better hockey player than you.
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): big talk from second best player in league
Reformed Asshole (Troy Barrett): Wait. Aren’t you two in, like, the same room now?
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): no shane is being mean and is very far away to punish me
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Ilya, I’m upstairs folding the laundry.
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): you could be downstairs :( cuddling with me and our beautiful daughter :(
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): Daughter? Did I miss something?
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): I’m 99% sure he means his dog.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): He does.
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): OUR dog. and she is most beautiful daughter in the whole world excuse you
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): shane agrees with me he did not even like dogs before he met her and her perfect little face
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): She is pretty perfect.
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): and yet you do not cuddle her or me :(
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Alright, alright, I’ll be right down.
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): ❤️
Reformed Asshole (Troy Barrett): Wow, it’s gonna be like this all the time huh?
Reformed Asshole (Troy Barrett): Two married guys flirting in the team group chat.
Reformed Asshole (Troy Barrett): If you had told sixteen year old me that was possible, he would have had an aneurysm.
The Baby (Luca Haas): I think it’s sweet. 🙂
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): anyway shane – welcome to the team OFFICIALLY dude. we are all so excited to have you man!!! and cassie and i can’t wait for the wedding!!!
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): yes will be best wedding of all time
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): you will all see what true love is
Reformed Asshole (Troy Barrett): God, who knew Roz was such a sap?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I did. 🙂
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
July 26th, 2021 - 12:09pm
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Okay it’s noon please respond in the group chat if you are alive. Any responses not received in the next hour will result in missing person reports being filed. Thank you!
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): ugh
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): remind me that drinking that much and having a newborn do NOT mix
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): cassie is fully laughing at me right now
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): i have smelled things no man should ever have to smell hungover
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): Sorry, man, I feel like I should have warned you about that.
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): But truthfully it’s a Fatherhood Right of Passage
The Baby (Luca Haas): I am alive! Sorry, I was busy packing for Switzerland. I left it to the last minute and now I have to do it all today hungover. ☹️
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): we lived
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): i have thing one and thing two here
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): sleeping like this
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): [PHOTO: Holmberg and Young passed out. Holmberg is on the couch like a normal person; Young is sprawled on the floor despite there being a perfectly acceptable recliner a few feet away.]
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): oh my god lp i’m saving that forever
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Oh! LP! Like a record! I get it!
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Ilya and I are alive, but he’s still half asleep. He’s been staring into a mug of coffee for an amount of time that is bordering on concerning.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Also thank you all for coming! I hope you had fun. Sorry we didn’t have chairs. My mother has sent me no less than four separate texts about that already.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Nah man if anything you proved gay men are still fundamentally men (very bad at planning things).
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): caitlin and i are safe and sound and have door dashed mcdonalds like assholes
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): she wants me to say that she had a great time and that you're wonderful shane and “i wasn’t kidding about making you both be in the WAG chat”
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): WAG roz is maybe the funniest thing i’ve ever heard so you two should totally do it
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Can we even be WAGs if we’re players? Isn’t that against, like, the rules?
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): i mean, i don’t think there’s laws????
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Oh the WAG chat in Montreal definitely has laws.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Jackie runs that place like the Navy.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Although I think that’s partly because some guys couldn’t keep a girlfriend longer than six months so it was a bit of a revolving door situation.
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): lowkey dude she was cool as fuck she didn’t even flinch doing that tequila shot and she has four kids
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): very powerful and terrifying lady i admire her greatly
Like a Record Baby (WIll LaPointe): i also admire your mother very greatly
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): wait shit that sounds like i’m coming onto your mom hold on
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): lp stop hitting on my in-laws day after my wedding
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): I’M NOT I SWEAR SHANE PLZ
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): It’s fine, LP, Ilya’s fucking with you.
Reformed Asshole (Troy Barrett): Confirming Harris and l are alive. Possibly against our will.
Reformed Asshole (Troy Barrett): This is the most hungover I have ever been.
Reformed Asshole (Troy Barrett): You fuckers forgot chairs but not vodka.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Well, yeah. Ilya planned it.
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): 😈
Reformed Asshole (Troy Barrett): You know what? Fair enough.
—
Fam Chat
July 26th, 2021 - 1:19pm
Mom: Really, boys. It was a lovely night. I am so happy for you both and so, so proud of you.
Mom: But I’m planning the vow renewal if you ever do one.
—
Rose Landry
July 26th, 2021 - 1:46pm
Rose: I have never been this hungover on a plane in my life.
Rose: But it was a really lovely wedding!!! Thank you for having me!!
Shane: I’m so glad you could make it! I know your schedule is crazy.
Rose: Honey, I would have 100% cancelled a shoot to be there, are you kidding?
Rose: I’m so happy for you. You deserve it. He looks at you like you’re magical.
Shane: I know. I have no idea what I did to deserve it.
Rose: Shane, you deserve it because you’re YOU!
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
August 3rd, 2021 - 1:19pm
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): staring longingly at my bbq on this beautiful summer day
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): i love milo more than anything else on earth and would die for him in a heartbeat but i cannot wait for him to be just a little older so i can host again
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): Careful, Bood, when they’re older you’ll find yourself wishing they were this small again.
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): it’s true, sometimes i look at Susie and i’m like, remember when you were smaller than a potato??? which of course she does not
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): smaller than a potato??? okay she was either concerningly small or i need to know where you're buying potatoes man
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): fuck you it’s a turn of phrase or whatever
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): i thought we agreed all dad chat would need to be in a separate gc
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): i believe i said that was discriminatory and i stand by that judgement
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Wait, how many of you have kids?
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): holly! arent you supposed to be on your honeymoon man? why arent you on a beach
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): It’s approaching 8pm here. I’m waiting for Ilya to finish getting ready for dinner, which will probably take another hour.
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): you cannot rush perfection hollander-rozanov
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Using the hyphenated last name isn’t going to make me any less annoyed 🙄
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): It’s nice to know marriage hasn’t changed you two yet
The Baby (Luca Haas): Shane and Roz I forgot we are in the same time zone! Hello from Zurich!
The Baby (Luca Haas): [PHOTO: A selfie of Luca Haas with a woman who is clearly his sister at some sort of restaurant]
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): wow haasy the family resemblance in your household is STRONG
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Oh is it photo sharing time?
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): [PHOTO: A selfie of Wyatt and his wife, Lisa, sitting on a couch.]
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): [PHOTO: A selfie of Evan with his daughter, Susie. She’s in a Centaurs onesie.]
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): also to answer your question holly lots of guys on the team are dads but in this GC it’s just me, chouinard, and bood.
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): [PHOTO: A selfie of Shane and Ilya on the beach. Both are shirtless and wearing sunglasses. Ilya is making a ridiculous duckface, and Shane is very clearly trying not to laugh]
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): jesus christ
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): how do you BOTH have so many abs
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): looking at my summer body and having a panic attack bro i need to get back to the gym STAT
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): it is hard to be so sexy and beautiful yes but we manage
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): [PHOTO: Young on what appears to be a farm somewhere]
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): when i moved to ottawa everyone asked me if i’d be bored and i had to explain to them that wisconsin is the most fucking boring place on goddamn earth
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): dude but cows are awesome
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): spoken like a man who’s never had to milk one
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): “spoken like a man who’s never had to milk one” has got to be one of the craziest texts ever sent in this gc
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): [PHOTO: A selfie of LP in front of the DMV]
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): also having a stupid boring summer fwiw
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): [PHOTO: A selfie of Holmberg with an older man at a racetrack]
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): dad took me to watch horse races
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): why are we all having boring summers
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): except holly and roz who are in love on a beach like JERKS
The Baby (Luca Haas): I am not having boring summer 😞
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): sorry and haasy
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): [PHOTO: Nick under a pile of three small children. He looks extremely happy to be there.]
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): I am also not having a boring summer
Reformed Asshole (Troy Barrett): [PHOTO: A selfie of Troy and Harris in a park in the sun]
Reformed Asshole (Troy Barrett): Me either.
Reformed Asshole (Troy Barrett): Skill issue, Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): we need to take the “reformed” out of your nickname man
Carter Holmberg changed Troy Barrett’s nickname to Still A Bit of An Asshole
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): [PHOTO: Bood holding his son Milo and grinning widely.]
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): loving this dad shit so far btw
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): shane send a picture you are only one who hasn’t sent
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): You already sent one of us though?
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): you do not want to show me off :(
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Fine.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): [PHOTO: A selfie of Shane and Ilya. Shane is smiling at the camera while Ilya kisses his cheek.]
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): awwwww
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): roz is soft as hell for his man that’s so sweet
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes) changed El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov)’s nickname to Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov)
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): is this meant to be insult?
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): because i am not insulted
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): you would all be big husband guys if you had husband as perfect and sexy as mine
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): ❤️
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): i’m gonna feel incredibly single this season aren’t i?
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): it’s only august already spiraling about never finding love as pure as holly and roz’s and dying alone
Still a Bit of An Asshole (Troy Barrett): [PHOTO: Harris in an apple orchard smiling very lovingly at the camera]
Still a Bit of an Asshole (Troy Barrett): Once again: skill issue, Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): 🖕
—
Unknown Number
August 12th, 2021 – 2:00pm
Unknown Number: This is an automated reminder of your upcoming appointment with Dr. Kayla Warren, PsyD, on August 19th at 5:30pm. If you have questions, please contact us. Reply Y to confirm, N to cancel.
Shane: Y
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
September 10th, 2021 - 1:19pm
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): tomorrow training camp begins
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i expect you all be in top shape
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): this is year we win cup boys
Still a Bit of An Asshole (Troy Barrett): Roz already on us about the Cup? Hmmm, I wonder why.
Still a Bit of An Asshole (Troy Barrett): What could possibly be different this year that has lit a fire under him?
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): troy shut up
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I can’t imagine he wasn’t on you about winning the Cup last season too?
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): shane at the start of last season we could barely score goals
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): the concept of winning the Cup was entirely foreign to us
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): playoffs felt like a pipe dream
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Oh. Right.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): But don’t worry, once we became contenders he got really annoying about it really fast
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Big motivational speeches every ten minutes about how we had to make the other team cry
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Beautiful stuff
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): true we really got into it in january huh
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): after we got our secret sauce
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): aka a massive jerk from toronto got traded here and then decided to go on a soul quest to become a better man
Still a Bit of An Asshole (Troy Barrett): Stop calling it a soul quest, Young. It makes it sound so weird.
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): what do you want me to call it
Still a Bit of An Asshole (Troy Barrett): Honestly, I don’t want you to call it anything at all.
Still a Bit of An Asshole (Troy Barrett): But especially not a soul quest.
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): lame
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): it is wild to think of us as cup contenders in the preseason
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): gone are the ottawa centaurs: perpetual losers
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): in are the ottawa centaurs: CHAMPIONS!
—
Ilya ❤️
September 10th, 2021 - 1:49pm
Ilya ❤️: you have gone quiet in the group chat hollander
Shane: Sorry, just focusing on this run.
Ilya ❤️: liar
Ilya ❤️: this is about what dykstra said about last season yes?
Ilya ❤️: about me not being like this at start
Ilya ❤️: it was different last year. centaurs were losing team. energy was not the same.
Shane: And also you were miserable.
Ilya ❤️: shane.
Ilya ❤️: we have talked about this
Ilya ❤️: it was not your fault i was sad
Ilya ❤️: it is just my stupid brain
Ilya ❤️: whatever your stupid brain is telling you is a lie
Ilya ❤️: you did not make me miserable. you were only thing that kept me grounded. only thing that made me happy.
Ilya ❤️: sweetheart? you are still there?
Shane: Sorry. I’m here.
Ilya ❤️: where are you?
Shane: I stopped in the park to sit down for a bit. My breathing got kind of weird.
Ilya ❤️: okay. come home yes? and we can talk. or i will come get you.
Ilya ❤️: maybe you can call kayla?
Shane: We’re scheduled for tomorrow. But yeah, I’ll talk to her about this.
Ilya ❤️: i will not lie and tell you i am not happier now then i was last year. but that is because of you too. you only ever make me happy shane. never miserable. i am happier than i have ever been.
Shane: You make me happy too.
Shane: And I’m happier too. Than I was last year.
Ilya ❤️: it is okay if you are not
Ilya ❤️: or if you still feel complicated about it
Shane: I am happy. I like this team a lot. I’ve always loved Ottawa. But mostly, I love being with you. I am so so happy we ended up here, together.
Ilya ❤️: i’m glad.
Ilya ❤️: all i want is for you to be happy. for us to be happy. mostly you though.
Shane: You being happy makes me happy, Ilya.
Shane: I’m on my way back.
Ilya ❤️: ❤️
Ilya ❤️: me and anya are here waiting for you
Shane: ❤️
—
Dr. Kayla
September 11th, 2021 - 7:09pm
Dr. Kayla: Hi Shane! Good talk today. I’ve emailed over those breathing exercises we talked about earlier.
Dr. Kayla: Please feel free to reach out before your next appointment if you have any questions about those, or if you feel like they’re not helping you during your anxiety attacks.
Dr. Kayla: And, again, let me know how it feels trying to add additional cheat days into your current diet plan. If it’s too much to start we can always reconfigure, but I’d like to see how once a week feels just to get a baseline.
Shane: Thanks Kayla. See you in a few weeks!
Dr. Kayla: See you then! 😀
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
September 19th, 2021 – 10:09am
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Holly on the news!! Repping the Cens!!!
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Thank you for the “great player” shout out dude!
Like A Record Baby (Will LaPointe): yeah man couldn’t help but notice some names you didn’t say in that section . . .
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): lp when you start getting points then maybe shane will say you are good on television
The Baby (Luca Haas): Wow. . . . to be called good by Shane Hollander . . . a dream come true. . . .
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): haas i say you are good all the time :(
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): face it roz you’re old news
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): kid has a new dad now
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): and that new dad thinks i’m good at hockey 😎
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): so when i say you are good at hockey it is nothing but when shane says it it is special :(
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Well, I said it on TV.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): is not fair they would not let me come on tv show with you
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): could have been fun segment
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): we are a package deal now i have marriage certificate to prove it
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): When I met the host she asked if I was going to “swear as much as your husband” so I don’t know if you’re high up on their list for returning guests.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): nobody wants me :(
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): nobody loves me :(
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Sucks to suck.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i get bullied by my beautiful husband in the group chat even after making him gross smoothie he loves for breakfast :(
—
Ilya ❤️
September 19th, 2021 – 10:21am
Shane: I want you and I love you.
Ilya ❤️: you will say this in private but not in public chat :(
Shane: I have a reputation to maintain.
Shane: Only one of us can be known as the big sap.
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
September 19th, 2021 – 10:31am
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): [PHOTO: A screenshot of the texts above between Shane and Ilya]
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): PROOF!!
Still a Bit of An Asshole (Troy Barrett): Roz, was the proof he loved and wanted you not there when he literally married you? Like two months ago?
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): no offense whatsoever but as a person who was at your wedding neither of you are ever beating the “big sap” allegations ever again
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): you do this thing where you both stop talking and just look at each other and your faces get so soft and it makes me want to fucking cry every time which is awful because you fucks have been doing it AT PRACTICE
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): that’s so real the odds we end up weeping over the power of love mid game this year are nonzero
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): they’ll have to make up a new penalty
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): two minute minor for being so in love it caused psychological damage to everyone else on the ice
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Careful. Let’s not give Crowell any ideas.
—
Will LaPointe created the group.
Will LaPointe added Luca Haas and Shane Hollander to the group.
Will LaPointe named the group 2nd Line Boiz
2nd Line Boiz
September 28th, 2021 - 4:21pm
Will LaPointe: making a new chat for the BEST OFFENSIVE LINE ON THE GODDAMN CENTAURS RAHHHHHHHHHHHH
Luca Haas: hahahaha
Luca Haas: excited to skate with you both!!! 🙂
Shane Hollander: This team really likes group chats, huh?
Will LaPointe: holly i dont meant to slander your very lovely hometown
Will LaPointe: but there is fuck all else to do here
Will LaPointe: our only option is to yap
Shane Hollander: Seriously? There’s tons to do in Ottawa.
Shane Hollander: Haven’t you lived here for like two years? Do you seriously not do anything on the weekends?
Will LaPointe: i mean, we go to monks
Luca Haas: And Bood’s!
Shane Hollander: Oh my god.
Shane Hollander: Okay, what are you both doing this weekend?
Will LaPointe: holy shit SHANE HOLLANDER is asking me out
Will LaPointe: this is the greatest day of my life
Will LaPointe: even though inevitably your husband will kill me for this in practice next week
Shane Hollander: 🙄
Shane Hollander: We’re going to the National Gallery on Saturday. Captain’s orders.
Shane Hollander: Captain’s husband’s orders.
Shane Hollander: Whatever.
Luca Haas: wow, okay!!!!
—
Ilya ❤️
September 28th, 2021 - 5:19pm
Ilya ❤️: a museum?? such a shane idea of fun
Ilya ❤️: by which i mean: boring
Shane: Wow, it took you longer to hear about that than I thought.
Ilya ❤️: was stuck in meeting :(
Ilya ❤️: you are still taking photos with gen?
Shane: Just wrapped up!
Ilya ❤️: let me drive you home? 😉
Shane: Well, we drove here together so I guess I don’t have much of a choice.
Ilya ❤️: so mean to me
Ilya ❤️: lucky i find it so hot
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
September 28th, 2021 – 5:25pm
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): @Will LaPointe what did i say about saying my husband’s name in all caps
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): tomorrow you will do many drills
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): i didn’t even do it in this chat man!!!!!!
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): holly how could you sell me out like this
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Sorry LP, I’m loyal to one man only.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): Я люблю тебя, моя маленькая ябеда.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): муда́к
Still a Bit of An Asshole (Troy Barrett): Wait you speak Russian Shane??
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I’m learning.
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): holy fuck that’s so sweet
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): that’s it i’m redownloading tinder
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): i can’t do this whole season single and watching this shit i just can’t
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): husband called me an asshole and you all think it’s sweet
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Hey, he learned a whole new language to call you an asshole.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): That’s love, buddy.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): true.
—
Harris Drover and Ilya ❤️
September 30th, 2021 – 10:11am
Harris Drover: Okay back on track with ideas for Shane’s Youtube series!
Harris Drover: I know this technically isn’t my job anymore but I do love thinking of these things and we WILL come up with a good idea I just know it.
Harris Drover: Do you have any hobbies or side interests that could be fun, Shane?
Ilya ❤️: shane is not like me or bood with fun hobbies
Ilya ❤️: shane likes one thing and one thing only
Ilya ❤️: hockey
Ilya ❤️: hockey with hollander simple and easy
Harris Drover: I mean, he plays hockey professionally. Isn’t that a little boring for a YouTube show?
Ilya ❤️: yes just like shane it is perfect
Shane: Fuck off, asshole.
Harris Drover: Sometimes I really can’t believe you married him, Shane.
Shane: Yeah, well, he’s the love of my life.
Ilya ❤️: awwwww ❤️
Shane: Unfortunately.
Ilya ❤️: too late you already said romantic thing i know you don’t mean it
Shane: That said, Ilya’s kind of got a point. I’m not really a hobbies guy.
Harris Drover: Ilya says you read? Maybe we could do a fun book club thing?
Shane: I don’t think I read in a fun book club way.
Ilya ❤️: he reads hockey books
Harris Drover: Wow! You are dedicated.
Ilya ❤️: by which he means: boring
Shane: At some point in this marriage you’re gonna have to get another joke.
Ilya ❤️: this joke has worked for a decade
Ilya ❤️: why change it now
Shane: 🙄
Harris Drover: Oh, wait! You do you yoga, yes?
Harris Drover: Stretching with Shane? Could be fun to take us through your routine!
Ilya ❤️: no
Harris Drover: No?
Harris Drover: Care to elaborate?
Shane: Sorry, Ilya gets weird about the yoga.
Ilya ❤️: the public does not need to see you stretching in your little shorts!
Ilya ❤️: people will see how beautiful and flexible you are and fall in love with you and it will become a problem
Ilya ❤️: they will comment things like “ilya rozanov can you fight” and “ilya rozanov can you handle all that” and “shane hollander leave your husband for me”
Ilya ❤️: and i of course will need to defend myself as your husband and will have to post many shirtless pictures and offer to engage people in duels for your honor and remind them that you married me because i am very hot and amazing in bed and you cannot live without me
Ilya ❤️: will be very complex and messy and will possibly drive harris to an early grave
Shane: Maybe it’s for the best we skip that one, Harris.
Harris Drover: Hm. Okay.
Shane: I actually have an idea.
Shane: Haas and LP mentioned that they don’t really know Ottawa very well, and I realize that a lot of people think of this place as boring.
Shane: Which it isn’t! Since I’m from here and now I’m back maybe we can do something about Ottawa? Like me showing the city off?
Ilya ❤️: shane making his own youtube series be homework
Ilya ❤️: adorable
Shane: I mean, it’s also a subtle way to tell people I actually want to be here.
Shane: I feel like the story is still about how I’m here only because Montreal didn’t want to re-sign me. Like I didn’t have a choice, or whatever.
Shane: But it’s like, screw you: Ottawa is awesome and I love to play in this city and for this team. You know? I want to be here. I love being here.
Harris Drover: As a fellow Ottawa fan: I love this
Harris Drover: I also thought of the name, but you’re going to hate it.
Harris Drover: Hometown Hero with Hollander
Shane: Oh god.
Ilya ❤️: i love it
Ilya ❤️: he is my hero
Harris Drover: If we make playoffs again, I think he’ll be a lot of people’s!
Harris Drover: Alright, I’ll tell Gen! Nothing says you’re officially on the team like a YouTube show!!
—
Harris Drover and Ilya ❤️
September 30th, 2021 – 2:19pm
Harris Drover: Wait what did Ilya mean that his joke has worked for a decade?
Harris Drover: Shane? Ilya?
Harris Drover: Alright keep your secrets smh.