Archive of Our Own

You wake up from the Cage, face up, water pouring onto your face. You don't know how long you lie there for, maybe minutes, maybe hours, maybe days. You shake and shake and shake and shake. You think if you had half a mind you would scream your head off, you’d find God and kill Him, you’d kill yourself, but you don’t really think you do. You just lie there.

Until you don't. You can't pinpoint when it happens, but the terror, the fear, the horror, the awe, it just stops. You are pulled abruptly from Hell, and it might have taken your brain a minute to get the message, but it soon followed your body. Which is distinctly better than being in Hell. You sit up. Your body doesn't ache, you think distantly that it should. You wait for the anger, the pain, the sadness to come back but it doesn’t. You’d say you’re relieved, but that's not true. It is a nice reprieve. You know that logically, but the feelings just aren't there. You think you might be in shock or something. You should be worried. But. You aren't anything in particular. You just are.

You visit your brother. Or, well, you stand outside his house watching him. It's the second thing you do, the first being to find a phonebook and try to figure out where the hell Lisa lives. A small part of you thinks it's interesting that Dean actually listened to you for once. You debate the merits of knocking on Lisa’s door. This was your last ‘wish’ before dying, or well, worse than dying. It was good of you, but Dean would be happy if you were alive, right? He was there for you at the end, he didn't want you to die, then. Maybe he did for a little bit, you remember the voicemail he left, and the panic room, and the things you were told, but he was sad at the end. You think he was. He would probably be happy to see you. You were happy when he came back (you try placing yourself in his shoes, imagining how he feels, but nothing comes to you). He's your brother, you should want him to be happy.

You checked your phone before coming here. You’ve been gone for one month topside. Dean hasn’t killed himself which is…good. And he seems to be content, enough, here. With Lisa and her son. He looks a little displeased, but you have not been gone long. Grief takes a while to fade, you know that (you don't feel any grief over Jessica anymore, interestingly enough), and if he’s doing alright after only a month, it can only get better for Dean from here, right? His last want before taking the plunge was for Dean to be happy, so this is what you want, right? Maybe you’ll visit him when the shock wears off.

(You watch him from the street for a minute, waiting to feel something about seeing Dean again)

(You don't.)

You take a few days to gather resources before doing anything. You don't have any money, any ID, or any phones. To be fair, you didn't often have these things before either, but now you have to get guns, clothes, and a car. You hotwired one to visit Dean. It was parked at the entrance to Stull cemetery. Maybe you should feel bad about the poor old man you stole the ancient car from, but you don't really. It's more of an inconvenience than anything else.

You go to a bar to hustle money. You don't really get why you had all these reservations about it before, you need money and hunting doesn't pay all that well. And plus, these people know what they're getting into, not like the people you pickpocketed before getting here. You win a thousand bucks off of one of the losers in here, before he gets in your face. Calling you an asshole, a god damned crook, that you’ll burn for this. You debate the merits of laughing in his face and telling him that you already did, and for scumbags like him nonetheless. You don't do that, and leave before you can get kicked out. But not before lifting his watch, phone and car keys. He drives a stupid truck anyways.

You call up Bobby's phone. Again, you’re happy that Bobby had a permanent home in Sioux Falls, and it's quite easy to find his number. Everything from before is…hazy. He knows the broad brushstrokes of his past, but the details just aren’t there. It doesn't matter that much though, there's no use in dwelling in the past unless necessary. You call him, just in case someone has taken over for him, someone who helps hunters. Bobby is the one who answers the phone, though, so he’s come back to life, somehow. Maybe Crowley. You ask him for some IDs and papers for yourself, and he is very offended by the way you start that off, the lack of greeting, and doesn’t trust you. Which is smart, but inconvenient. You’ll have to remember to get ahead of that curve next time. Now you have to drive up to Sioux Falls. Great.

You pass all of Bobby's tests, obviously. You have to be a human (you tested yourself after the Cage, just to be sure). Bobby also passes all the tests, and he hugs you. He’s happy, smiling broadly. You’re not, not unhappy either, but you return his broad smile. He’s tearing up a bit. You ask him how he's alive, and he said Castiel was revived by God, and Castiel brought him back. Which…is kind of annoying? God is real, and he just…didnt care about what happened? Whatever, maybe he bought you back. Which would have been nice if that was before anything happened down there, but it is better than eternity. You resolve to pray to Castiel, maybe he brought you back.

He asks where Dean is, and you tell him he’s with Lisa. Bobby seems relieved, and says he's happy that Dean is out of the life. That he’s making a family. Seems a little hypocritical, but okay. You ask him for papers, and obliges. He asks you how you are, and you tell him you're fine. He seems almost uncomfortable around you. You’re not sure if that's because Dean isn't here or because of you yourself. It's probably both. You put more emotion into your voice, make your eyes water a bit when you mention Dean, and he relaxes.

He asks what you need them for, and tells him you’re hunting. He asks you if you are capable of hunting alone, which you are. You did it for 6 months, not that Bobby knows that, but whatever, You tell him after the Cage, you’re sure you can handle it. Bobby looks distinctly uncomfortable at the mention of the Cage, so it’s probably best not to mention it again. Making people uncomfortable is pretty unhelpful. He wishes you luck, and you do the same.

You pray to Castiel. He doesn't answer.

You go to a car dealership. You could just keep hotwiring, but the idea of getting your own car, to your preferences, is very appealing. Something that is your own. You watch some people at dealerships before going, though. How they move, how they talk, how they act. Your…shock or whatever is still there, and you know you have to live with it until whatever it is wears off. It’d be best to learn how to properly do that. Knowing how to comfort people is essential to hunting anyways, people are more likely to open up to you if they trust you.

You look at the old cars first, ones that look like the Impala. The Impala helped in the end, so it might be helpful. The older cars…kinda suck though. The mileage is bad, they're uncomfortable, and they stand out way too much. You move to the newer cars, post-2000’s. You find a Dodge Charger you like. It's comfortable, spacious, and has amazing mileage. You also manage to talk the seller to bring down the price a bit, though it doesn't matter because you shred the credit card you used to buy it, but it's the principle of the thing.

You organize the trunk as efficiently as possible. It's not how your dad did it, it's not how Dean did it, but it works best for you. You get an IPod for the car and get the windows tinted. You get covers for the seat, allowing you to wash it easier. Floor mats too, your brother and dad were committed to preserving the car in the past, but you're different. You can adapt. You don't love your car, not like Dean does, but the car is yours. And that's all that matters to you.

You pray to Castiel. There's no answer.

You go on a few hunts. The puzzle of them is something to do, at least. You visit a hunter bar in the area. The other hunters give you a wide berth, you aren't sure what they know and you don't particularly care. You were hoping to overhear some conversations, see if there's any big news that you haven't noticed–unlikely but still a possibility. All the conversation around you seems to hush though, and you don't think trying to talk anything over would go particularly well. You finish your drink and are prepared to leave before a man walks in.

A man who looks exactly like your dead Grandpa.

And. Okay. There's a chance you might be mistaken. But. You checked what your family looked like less than a month ago (you had to check if the Devil got their faces right. He did.) and this guy is a dead ringer for him. No pun intended. He's accompanied by a woman, likely in her 30s, with medium length black hair and brown eyes. They sit next to you, introducing themselves as Samuel Campbell and Gwen Campbell, which tracks. You introduce yourself as Jimmy Page, a hunter looking to avenge his dead sister. They talk to you for about an hour, before saying they have to head out, they live nearby and have a hunt they're planning on going on in the morning. You let them get out five minutes before you, before following them.

You pray to Castiel for an answer. There is none.

The roads are snowy, and you can tell which way they were heading. The hunters bar is in the middle of nowhere, with few visitors due to the specificity. It's late enough that no one has arrived since the Campbells showed up, and following their path is quite easy despite the time gap. They headed out about 15 minutes from the bar, before they turned onto a dirt driveway. You continue a further bit down, in case they were watching, before parking your car and walking back. You walk in a manner where you can approach wherever they were going from the back, but you are stopped by a fence topped with barbed wire.

It'd take annoyingly long to walk back to your car, so you throw one of the flannels you're wearing over the wire. You end up with small cuts and tears, but the damage is negligible in the end. The cold stings them a little, but it helps them to clot better, which is advantageous in the end. The last thing you need to do is leave a trail of blood in the house. The lights are on in some of the rooms of the house, but all the blinds are closed. You jimmy open the lock of one of the windows with the lights off, being unlikely to be a bedroom. It turns out to be a kitchen, and you can hear people in another room. There's a set of stairs in the next room over, and you quietly go up them, making sure they don't squeak. A difficult task seeing as the house is old as fuck.

There's a hallway and a set of bedrooms upstairs. You slowly open the door of one with the lights off, two have their lights on so you'll have to be careful. It looks standard, and it might be your Grandfathers, until you open one of the dressers and see panties inside. So. You move onto the next one. You try again, and this time there is a journal on one of the desks. A glance inside it ensures that it is Samuels. You don't really understand the point of journaling the hunts but whatever.

You paint a demon trap under his rug with your blood. You wait behind the door, so he won't see you right away when it opens. You wait for about 15 minutes before the door opens, and Samuel starts walking in. Before he can turn around and close the door behind him, you have a gun pointed at this forehead. You shut the door yourself. You push him onto the rug a little bit. You demand to know what he is, but he remains calm. He greets you, by name. Not Jimmy though, he calls you Sam. Not good. You ask him how he knows that, and he calls out to Gwen, saying she was right. That's all the warning he gets before Gwen opens the door and enters as well.

Neither of them are armed, but Sam backs up nonetheless, switching between who he's pointing the gun at. Better safe than sorry. They tell you to calm down, you respond that you won't until they explain. You are calm already, but you hope that this means they'll explain the situation faster. They tell you that the extended Campbell family lives here, in the compound, which seems impractical but who are you to judge? You ask them how they know you, how they know where you were. They tell you that they heard rumors you were back, not just back, but back from the dead. And hunting. You don't correct them, technically your body didn't die but that's semantics. And he’s learned most people find corrections like that off-putting.

You ask how Samuel is back from the dead, and he asks the same of you. You both have no clue how this happened. They offer for you to hunt with them. They thought you were a good hunter from the stories they've heard (you are thankful that they don't ask for clarification on the stories they've heard, they're likely true but really don't paint him in a good light), but you getting in here undetected just proved it. You think about the offer. Sharing resources is beneficial, especially in hunting. Your dad didn't do it, and he closed himself off to information that could have helped him. They have no reason to distrust you, to want you dead. You are in a very similar situation to Samuel and joining would likely help your family. You hunt best with a partner, likely due to habit growing up, which doesn't mean you can't go at it alone but it is most efficient with a partner.

You resolve to keep your guard up just in case, but you accept their offer.

Castiel still hasn't answered, the son of a bitch. You realize that like all angels from before, he likely never will.

There’s something wrong with you. Your situation has been going well, you’ve been on a lot of hunts. It's been…good. You’ve gotten to know the Campbells; Gwen, Mark, and Christian especially. They seem to like you. You drink with them, and tell stories. You hunt with them Sometimes, though, you fuck up. You say something that's not right, too cold or callous. Or you don't care about casualties the way you should (even though your method of hunting minimizes risk and has reduced the overall mortality of your hunts). But, the Campbells seem overall forgiving of this, bar having to tell him to chill out a few times or taking over talking to the witnesses. This should feel good, it should make you happy. But it doesn't. You don't think anything would. But. You are calm. You’re content. And that might be good enough.

You’re debating investigating what's wrong with you, when the Djinn gets you.

There have been weird monster activities lately. Specifically, the Djinn have gone from keeping people in Dreamland to poisoning them with nightmares. Luckily, the Campbells have a cure for it, but it’s still abnormal. You go with Samuel and Gwen to investigate a nearby town. It’s a run of the mill case, until you go alone to the library to talk to a witness. As she's leaving, she says that she needs someone to avenge her brothers. Which is odd, because she had no relation to the victim in question, but she lays a hand on your arm and is gone before you can question it.

As you drive back to the hotel, you swear you see a goat, with the tail of a snake run out in front of you. Your adrenaline spikes and you slam on the breaks of your car. The goat keeps running, and you can't confirm what you saw, but it takes a moment for you to catch your breath. It's the most scared you've been since you’ve sprung from the cage. But, you’re fine.

You make it back to the hotel in one piece. You have your own room, thankfully, but you think tomorrow you might mention what you saw to Gwen and Samuel. It might be an omen. You unlock the door to your room and then. You open the door and. It's hard to breathe. It's. He can't be here. The devil is sitting on your bed but. He can't be here. He smiles and waves. This cant. Jesus Christ. Your heart beats. You're sweating and shaking. There's a noise coming out of your mouth but you don't care. You are so scared and he is there and you can't do this again. You can't. You can-

You come to groggily. For not the first time, you’re tied down to a bed. Not in a sexy context this time though. You think. You open your eyes to a hotel room, and then you hear Gwen's voice. She asks if you’re with her, which you are, and asks if you remember what happened. It's kinda a blur, so she explains that Samuel heard him last night and found he had been poisoned by the Djinn, giving him the antidote.

You ask why the hell you’re tied down, and she explains that this isn’t the first time you’ve woken up since getting the antidote, but that you weren’t entirely there. Now that she mentions it, you can feel a stinging sensation up and down your arms. You briefly wonder if there is still blood under your nails. She starts untying you, and asks if you want to talk about it. You say no, obviously. She tells you that she knows what happened, where you were before you came back. Where you’ve been. You tell her that she doesn't know, can't possibly know, but it doesn't matter anymore because you’re not there. You’re not scared anymore. She looks at you for a second, before seemingly accepting what you have to say. The hunt continues.

You think back to what it was like, with the poison in your veins, and you think you'd rather live like this. You’re not sure you could live while being able to feel like that.

You figure out that the woman, the Djinn that poisoned you was mad about that Djinn, her brother, you and Dean killed years back. You also discover that Dean will definitely be next on their hitlist. You tell the Campbells how great Dean is, Dean doesn't play well with others and it’d probably be better if they had a good impression of him before they meet. You tell them how good of a hunter he is, how he makes the right calls, how he’s ruthless when necessary.

You’re not surprised when Dean meeting them goes poorly, though.

You’re hunting with Dean more and more now. He seems troubled, probably due to his daddy issues he refuses to address mixed with the fact he’s trying to be a father. You investigate the plague case with him, and laugh at the idea of praying to Castiel for help. The bum of an angel who only helps when he feels like it and has been MIA since the apocalypse. Except, Dean does pray. And Castiel shows up.

What a fucking hypocrite.

Oh no, but him and Dean share a more ‘Profound bond’ whatever the fuck that means. Which one of them spent years praying to angels though? Hint: it wasn’t fucking Dean. And! You literally went to hell for him, and the fucker cant be bothered to show up for, what, the god damn minute it would have taken to answer your questions. No he’s been fighting a fucking war that you literally couldnt give less of a fuck about and he needs to find weapons, you guess.

He uses Dean's blood for a ritual, a ritual that requires human blood. He doesn't use yours though, even though he would clearly rather hurt you than Dean, and you almost ask him why. Are you no longer human? Can he sense it? But, no, Dean would probably lose his fucking shit if he thought you weren’t human, and it’d be a whole things. Also you fucking hate Castiel right now and want to talk to him as little as possible.

Before leaving the little dick crushes your fucking car. You go back to sharing with Dean.

What a fucking asshole.

You pray to God. You swear and curse and plead and reason. There is no answer, but you weren’t expecting one. You know He hears it though.

Dean asks you if you want to talk about it a few times. The Cage, that is. He says that he of all people would understand it. But he wouldn’t. It’s not the same. The only aspect they have in common is the pain of it. Dean tortured souls down there, and the guilt of it eats him alive everyday. You can understand it, but you don't have that problem. It was pain, humiliation, shame, every negative emotion for an impossible time, but it's not anymore. He doesn’t want to keep torturing himself outside of the Cage. You tell Dean you don't want to talk about it.

You end up on a case with Dean where people are forced to tell the truth. This is less than ideal. Dean asks if you let him turn on purpose. You aren’t surprised he asks, he’s been weirder than usual around you lately. He's uncomfortable around you but he was before sometimes too.You did let him turn, but you had reasons. Reasons Dean wouldn’t understand. It was safe, you knew he wouldn’t kill anyone before he got the antidote. It was a calculated risk. But Dean doesn’t do those. He wouldn’t be okay with it, he’d accuse you of being evil again. So you lie. You don't know why you can, but right now the why doesn't matter. You tell him you didn't.

You find Veritas, the Goddess behind this all. She’s kinda weak and pathetic to be called a Goddess, but whatever. She ties you up, and Dean admits till earlier today he wanted to kill you in your sleep. Which is not comforting. You knew Dean was suspicious of you, which isn't uncommon, but you didn’t know it was that far. You guess it makes sense, you recall the voicemail he left, it's hard to get over feelings like that you think. Still. You don’t really want Dean to kill you, you would have just let Lucifer possess you if that was the case.

And then Veritas asks you a question. And you lie. But she knows. This is not good. She says you're not human. So that answers that question, you guess. Not a great answer, truth be told. Still, Dean is looking at you like you just murdered 100 innocent babies or something, which is a little dramatic but Dean's always been weird about non-humans. You think maybe she’s referring to the demon blood in you? But you’re pretty sure you burned all that up a while ago. Maybe something in you changed in the Cage? The questions are in your mind, but you're more pressed about the fact that you have to not die to an evil Goddess currently.

You and Dean kill the Goddess, and then Dean turns the knife on you. The truth Goddess is dead, but now you choose to tell Dean the truth. You tell him something is wrong with you. Something is wrong in you. You thought it was shock at first, but you know better now. You tell him how it’s been helpful, you’re a better hunter than ever. But. It is undeniable that something is wrong. You ask him to help. You ask your big brother for help.

He doesn’t use the knife. He uses his fists. It's more personal that way.

There’s a man on top of you and it hurts and hurts–it–no–hurts–please–it–

You wake up in a chair, wrists tied in a knot behind your back, head thankfully clear. Well as clear as it can be with the throbbing going on. You can hear Dean outside the room. He’s praying out loud to Castiel. And you-

Your face hurts. Maybe Castiel and Dean can help you. Probably not Castiel. Maybe Dean. Castiel might help you for Dean's sake. But will Dean even want to help? Probably not. Not in a way you want. You asked for help and Dean he-

You don’t want to go through this again. This song and dance. The lies and the distrust. Same song, different verse. The risk of dying to a brother. Lucifer was right about one thing, and it's the fact that brothers can hurt you more than anyone in the whole world. But, you’re not hurt right now. External pain is negligible, it fades and it's a given in this life, you can fix it. You don't know if you can fix what Dean will do to you. What he does to you.

You don't wait for Dean to finish his prayer.

You open the window.

You run.