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Vi doesn’t know how a guard got into her cell without her noticing.
She’s always been a light sleeper. After her parents died, she trained herself to wake up at any sign of distress coming from little Powder, whether it be because of a nightmare or a panic attack. Sometimes she would sing a soft lullaby. Most times her sister just needed to know she was there and not going anywhere. Whatever the case, Vi was always up and ready to take care of her.
In Stillwater, the habit has helped her to take care of herself. For the little she slept anyway. It doesn’t matter if she was in solitary or not. She has to be ready for the next time the assholes running the place are in the mood for another less than friendly chat. To most, it doesn’t seem like it makes a difference since she still gets overpowered in the end. But to her it is easier to stomach being left on the floor if she’s able to replay the way a guard's nose broke under her fist, to picture the black eye they’re sure to shine. And sometimes, after they drugged her up with meds, that’s the only thing she is lucid enough to remember.
She figures the drugs in her system now is what has made her miss the sound of her cell opening and closing. The sluggishness is easier to fight through this time even with her aching head and body, allowing her to sit up from her cot and take in the intruder that has her back to her. This guard, this goddamn enforcer, in her spotless uniform was in Vi’s space like she was on a casual stroll.
Vi wonders what her game is because as far as she can tell, she’s in no rush to disturb her. It puts her on edge as she watches. It isn’t until she dares to pick up Vi’s plush bunny from the floor and turn toward her that Vi springs to her feet and pushes her into the wall, her hand cuffing violently around her neck.
“Are you new? Or just really fucking stupid?”
The guard looks startled but not exactly scared. A fact that has Vi baring her teeth.
“W-what are you doing?” the guard says, choking on her words.
“I thought the warden would’ve taught his dogs better. Locking yourself in a cell with me without backup? You must have a death wish,” Vi spits.
The guard slowly puts her hand on Vi’s wrist, the lack of firmness implying that she finds little danger in the grip.
Vi wonders why she hasn’t tried to scream for help and with a glance around Vi confirms that they’re the only ones around. Still, this guard makes no move to break free. And damn if Vi can figure out why.
“Let’s just talk. Let m-me go,” the guard says, as best as she can.
Vi would laugh if she weren’t so revved up. This guard really must be new. Vi tightens her fingers, pressing the threat into her skin.
“Or what? Or you’ll arrest me? Throw me in solitary? I’d say look around because it seems like you’ve already done that,” she snarls, her free hand snatching the wrist of the hand still holding the bunny.
The guard’s gaze flickers to the toy. Realizing her mistake, she slowly opens her hands in surrender, her thumb and index finger keeping the toy from falling. Seems like this guard has some sense after all but Vi doesn’t let that distract her too much. This is somehow a worse offense than just beating her. To touch her things. Her precious bunny. After everything Caitlyn went through to find it at the hexgates wreckage.
Vi blinks and her grip on the guard’s wrist slackens. She continues to stare at the bunny as the guard gently sets it down on the dresser.
It’s a strange thing— technically gaining clarity but feeling more confused than before. Because her cell doesn’t have a dresser. It doesn’t have a window or wallpaper or heated floors that Caitlyn had installed after noticing how often Vi walked around without socks on, even after buying her so many pairs, even in the winter.
The bunny leans on a picture frame now and Vi recognizes the photo within. It’s of herself and Caitlyn during her last birthday. Roughly two years after she was broken out of Stillwater. Caitlyn would never let her end up back there. So then why—
A soft hand cups her cheek and brings her attention forward again. As reality fades back in completely, she finds Caitlyn in front of her. The eye not covered by her eyepatch has turned bloodshot and her neck is squeezed between Vi’s fingers. Vi releases her immediately and scrambles backwards.
“No. No no no no no,” she breathes.
She had just been—
What has she done?
Sobs leave her lips before tears even make it to her eyes. She falls to her knees and crosses her arms to tuck her hands, her violent hands, tightly under her armpits.
“I’m sorry,” she gasps. “I’m so sorry, Caitlyn. Please, I’m so sorry.”
Caitlyn sheds her uniform jacket and kneels down in front of Vi.
“I don’t know what happened— I don’t— I thought—” Vi tries to say, but she knows she’s not making sense.
“Violet, may I hold you? Please?” she asks, her voice hoarse.
A war rages inside Vi. Half of her wants to do as she’s always done and give Caitlyn anything she asks for. The other half screams at her to not lay a finger on her again. In the end she listens to both, or maybe she listens to neither, because she squeezes her arms until her hands ache and presses her forehead into Caitlyn’s chest. Caitlyn’s arms immediately circle her and her fingers thread through her hair.
“I think I might know what happened. But you’re safe now,” Caitlyn coos in a low voice. “You’ll never go back there, you have my word. I’ll never let them hurt you again.”
She cries harder at how badly she wants to hug her back. A huge part of her feels relieved that she’s safe in Caitlyn’s house and not in that hellhole any longer. But she doesn’t allow herself the privilege of a hug, not after the horrible thing she’s just done, what she was probably only moments away from doing. She feels the way Caitlyn is still trying to catch her breath. It pains her so much she whimpers through her sobs.
“Are you— are you okay? I’m so sorry, I swear I didn’t know. I didn’t know.”
“I’m okay.” Caitlyn’s cool hand presses against her face and then her neck. It sends shivers down Vi’s spine and she shrinks into herself more. “Oh, my darling. You’re burning up.”
For the next few minutes, Caitlyn soothes Vi’s crying as best as she can. When her breathing gets slightly less hitched, she helps her to her feet and guides her towards the bed.
“No,” Vi protests, barely having enough strength to stop herself from being pulled. “I can’t. I need to leave, I shouldn’t be here.”
“What do you mean?” Caitlyn asks, holding Vi’s shoulders when she tries to stumble away. She glances around the room trying to find what’s making Vi want to flee. “Help me understand.”
She shakes her head and her crying picks up again. She whispers, “I messed up.”
“Vi, look at me,” Caitlyn says firmly but Vi only presses her palms into her own eyes. Caitlyn gently pries them off and wipes her tears away from her flushed face. “I’m fine, I promise you. We’ll talk about it some more but right now you need to get back in bed. You’ll drop if you carry on like this, sweetheart.”
Vi hangs her head in defeat. She can barely think with the splitting headache that’s only gotten worse since she started crying. She does the only thing that feels right at the moment. She trusts Caitlyn.
With a nod, she lets herself be guided again. Once she’s settled, Caitlyn calls for a member of the house staff to bring medicine, a damp washcloth and water.
“It’ll be okay. I promise,” Caitlyn whispers, as she continues to gently press the washcloth to Vi’s flushed skin. “Rest, love.”
In Vi’s weak and fragile state, she can only listen.
Eventually, when Vi’s fever reduces a bit, the doctor she’s seen a few times for therapy is called to check in on her.
Vi tells him everything that happened as best as she can while avoiding his eyes.
“And I mean I’ve seen things before that aren’t really there— people mostly,” Vi admits, recalling the hallucinations she’s had when drunk or on the verge of passing out in pain. “But this felt different. I didn’t just see things, I went somewhere else completely.”
“What you experienced was an episode caused by your post traumatic stress. It’s not uncommon for things to escalate from the nightmares you’ve had to vivid flashbacks that make you feel like you’re really there again.”
“So I’m getting worse?” Vi asks, sounding a lot smaller than she’d like.
Caitlyn rests a hand on her shoulder that makes Vi tense up involuntarily. The hand is removed in the next moment.
“It’s too soon to really tell. If I recall correctly, your nightmares get more frequent this time of year because of the anniversary effect we spoke about previously,” he explains carefully. “But based on what you’ve told me, it seems like this one was triggered by a perfect set of circumstances. Your body was in a similar state that it was in during your trauma so your mind followed. Your fever made you wake up cold, sluggish and aching much like you did after being sedated in Stillwater. Seeing the uniform only added to the realness of the episode and you perceived Miss Kiramman not as herself but as a threat. Your fight or flight kicked in so you attacked.”
It should make Vi feel better. The understanding that she wasn’t really trying to hurt Caitlyn. The fact that it was triggered by an uncommon combination of circumstances. I mean really, what were the chances that Vi would wake up at this time of year with a 104 fever on the exact day that Caitlyn, for the first time since the war, put on her old enforcer uniform? Vi should feel better but she doesn’t.
Today is the ten year anniversary of Grayson’s passing, Caitlyn explained sometime after Vi woke up again and saw her in a different set of clothes. I was meant to give a short speech in remembrance to the force. The counsel thought it best to do in a proper uniform.
And if Vi wasn’t drowning in guilt before, knowing that Caitlyn had to miss honoring her childhood mentor because she had to deal with Vi really takes the cake.
“There’s also no saying how you’ll react if you do have another episode. There are a variety of ways that someone can respond to trauma. The next one may not end in…”
Violence. It goes unsaid but not unheard.
The doctor glances between Caitlyn and Vi before reaching into his briefcase to pull out a pamphlet and clearing his throat slightly. “Still, if you’re concerned about being a danger to yourself or others, Piltover has a very comfortable inpatient facility that offers—”
“Thank you. I think it’s about time that Vi gets more rest,” Caitlyn interrupts, taking the pamphlet before it reaches Vi’s hand. “I’ll have someone see you out.”
There’s no arguing with the authority in Caitlyn’s tone. The doctor bids them farewell and reminds Vi to get in touch with him at any time.
When it’s just the two of them in the sitting room again, Vi takes a deep breath and wrings her hands together.
“I think I should go, Cait. For a little while.”
Caitlyn grips the pamphlet tighter to her sternum, as if she thinks the paper itself will grab Vi and take her from the house.
“That’s not necessary, Vi. I can have anything available there brought here, if you so wish,” Caitlyn says, her voice much softer now.
But Vi isn’t talking about going to the facility and for the first time since the events of this morning, she meets Caitlyn’s eye.
She knows that Caitlyn understands when her chin tenses. Instead of addressing it, she looks towards the grandfather clock against the wall.
“It’s getting late and you still need all the rest you can get. We can talk about it some more once you’re feeling better,” she says, voice unreadable.
She then crosses the room to Vi slowly, extending a gentle hand when she reaches her. She says, almost in a whisper, “Let’s go to bed.”
Vi looks at the hand for a long moment before looking away.
“I think I want to sit here a little longer. I’ll go to bed soon.”
From her peripheral vision she sees the hand drop. When Caitlyn doesn’t move away, Vi looks at her face again and knows what she’s thinking.
Because Vi can read Caitlyn just as well as Caitlyn can read Vi, can’t she?
She’s thinking that Vi will leave the second her back is turned. That the decision has already been made. That she’ll wake up and Vi will be gone with no telling when— if she’ll be back.
“We’ll talk about it some more,” she says, repeating Caitlyn’s words back to her.
A promise, not to stay, but to not leave without saying goodbye.
Caitlyn knows that that’s as good as she’s gonna get so she gives Vi space, dropping a lingering kiss to her forehead before walking out of the room.
Caitlyn runs on autopilot as she does her nighttime routine in their bathroom.
She feels Vi’s absence with every step. Vi isn’t there to gently rub her thumb against the faint indentation her eyepatch leaves behind. She isn’t there to plant a peck on her scar before Caitlyn applies her serums. Or there to bump their hips together on her way out to the bedroom.
She presses a hand to her mouth and squeezes her eyes shut until the urge to cry goes away. Vi could be in any minute and she doesn’t want her to worry. When she’s able to shake it off, she quickly finishes and heads into their bedroom. Once under the covers, Caitlyn stares at the ceiling and listens to the very faint tick of the clock on their wall.
The silence is suffocating.
After some time, she turns to her side to face the spot Vi is missing from. She scoots closer and catches a whiff of Vi’s cedar shampoo. It’s the comforting scent alone that causes the dam to break and the weight of the day’s events to catch up with her.
Caitlyn is no stranger to Vi’s nightmares. It’s always devastating seeing how frightened or distraught Vi would be when she woke up. But this episode was something else entirely, something Caitlyn can hardly stomach. Tears stream down her face and her body shakes as she cries.
It was during one of their late night talks that she learned that Vi was only fifteen years old when she was put in Stillwater. The way she told Caitlyn was so matter of fact that all she could do to respond was stare at her.
Pretty messed up, huh? But I’m not there anymore, she had said, giving Caitlyn a fond smile and a shake of her shoulder. And I have you to thank for that.
Caitlyn didn’t sleep for that entire night. She lay awake watching Vi, hearing her snore softly, wondering how the world could be so cruel to a person so kind. The next morning when Vi rolled over and pressed her face into Caitlyn’s breasts, she asked jokingly with a voice heavy with sleep, if they could just stay in bed that whole day. Vowing to give Vi anything she could ever want from that moment forward, Caitlyn wrapped her arms around her and finally closed her eyes with a simple yes.
Vi never said how old she was when the beatings started but Caitlyn isn’t naive. She knows that they likely started from the very beginning. But knowing that and seeing it are two very different things.
Caitlyn was being choked and yet all she could focus on was how devastatingly young and scared Vi looked. She tried her best to hide it with barred teeth and intimidating strength but Caitlyn saw it. She saw the tremble in her lower lip, the panic in her eyes, the adrenaline that had her shuffling her feet and looking around for more threats.
In all of her time knowing Vi, she had never seen such fear. So what concerned Caitlyn the most was not the hand that was cutting off her air supply but the thought of Vi being in that state for any longer.
But of course after realizing what she was just doing, Vi was even harder to reach. It broke Caitlyn’s heart to see Vi scramble away from her, to watch her try to leave. Even when things calmed, Vi was flinching away from her.
She knows deep down it’s not because she’s afraid of Caitlyn; she’s afraid of hurting Caitlyn but that doesn’t make it any easier.
She’s ashamed to admit that she doesn’t quite know how to console her like this. Vi thrives under physical comfort and most times that’s all she needs to calm down or shake something off. What is Caitlyn to do if she can’t hold Vi? If Vi doesn’t want to hold her? If even a brush of a hand is rejected?
And it’s not as though Vi doesn’t want it, she just doesn’t feel she deserves it. Caitlyn saw it in the way Vi shrunk into herself, felt it in the way her sobs hit Caitlyn’s chest. She so desperately wants to be close. They both do. But now it feels like the distance between them goes on for kilometers.
It’s tough to say who is more miserable about it.
At some point Vi moves to the floor in front of the fireplace and lies down on her side. It feels way less pleasant than what she’s gotten used to in Caitlyn’s bed but it's still a far cry from the worst conditions she's slept in. She won’t just leave Caitlyn without saying goodbye but that doesn’t mean she’ll risk putting her in harm's way while she’s still here.
Still, sleep doesn’t come easily— not with the knowledge of what she has to do. Finding a cheap place to stay won’t be too much trouble, she doesn’t think. But of course there’s the matter of making money. Most of what she does during the day rebuilding the undercity is volunteer based. But Ekko would probably know who’s looking for help, wouldn’t he? She knows she won’t be able to stay away completely. She makes the trip between the twin cities most days anyway so visiting Caitlyn in the afternoon wouldn’t require any extra travel.
Her heart aches as she thinks of Caitlyn. There’s a chance that while Vi is trying to get her shit together, Caitlyn will decide that she’s not worth the trouble. It would be unfair to ask her to wait around, especially when Vi herself doesn’t know how long it’ll take until she can be sure she won’t accidentally put her life in danger again.
After everything that’s happened, Caitlyn deserves peace. And safety. And as much as it pains Vi to admit, her living here doesn’t guarantee either. There’s a part of her that hopes that what they have with each other can endure this time apart. That eventually she’ll be able to prove herself worthy of being in Caitlyn’s space again. But something small inside her is saying she was never supposed to be here in the first place.
She stares at the flames for a long while before she hears soft padding of feet approaching. Closing her eyes, she hopes that Caitlyn will think that she’s asleep and go back to her room instead of trying to wake her up.
She feels Caitlyn drape a blanket over her frame and thinks that’ll be the end of it. But then she hears a soft plop of what she assumes is a pillow right behind her head and feels Caitlyn get under the blanket with her. A moment of hesitation passes before the blanket shifts again and Caitlyn’s arm starts to carefully hover over Vi’s waist.
“Caitlyn.”
The arm freezes before pulling back. “Did I startle you?”
Vi turns to face her. She’s without her eyepatch now, her hair pooling on the pillow she brought, the same one that she’s pushing under Vi’s head to share.
“You’re not gonna sleep on the floor.”
“Then come to bed with me. It felt too big without you in it,” Caitlyn whispers. “I wasn’t getting any sleep anyway.”
Vi sighs, wanting to cup the side of her face but refusing.
“I can’t,” she whispers and continues before Caitlyn can interrupt. “I hurt you today and it could’ve been worse. What if it happens again?”
“I could’ve stopped you. After Sevika, after Rictus, I got training to break out of a choke hold by someone stronger than I am.”
“Then why didn’t you?”
Caitlyn raises her eyebrow like she’s the one confused and shakes her head. “It would’ve led to a worse situation. And I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“Do you realize how insane that is? If I didn’t realize what was happening sooner I could have killed you!” Vi emphasizes, trying to get her to understand.
“Could you have?”
Vi lets out a humorless laugh of disbelief, gets up from the floor and begins to pace.
“I’m serious, Vi,” Caitlyn continues, getting up with her. “Could you have killed someone who wasn’t fighting you back?”
Vi isn’t sure. She knows it’s not in her nature to be a cold blooded killer but Stillwater wasn’t a place where principals thrived. She can’t say she fully knows who she was in the years she was stuck there with no hope of ever getting out.
“If you wanted to kill me you could’ve the moment you had me pinned,” Caitlyn insists. She makes Vi meet her eyes then. “That's not who you are, Vi. Not even in there. And that’s something I was willing to bet my life on.”
And maybe Caitlyn is right, as she so often is. But what difference did it make in the end? It didn’t stop Vi from putting her hands on her. It doesn’t change the fact that she could do it again.
“I know that the thought of it happening again scares you. It scares me too,” Caitlyn confesses, taking a cautious step closer to Vi. “It scares me to think that it’ll make you push me away.”
Vi wants to argue that it won't, that she can never stay away from her. But that wouldn’t be true would it? The blanket and pillow Caitlyn lugged all the way from her room is proof of that.
“We will do everything we can. Therapy, a support group, anything. Just—” Caitlyn’s voice cracks and Vi can’t remember the last time she’s seen her this distraught. “Don’t let that place take anything else from you. Please stay. Come to bed.”
Vi feels her resolve start to crumble. She fights to look for anything that would make her feel better about giving in, about taking this risk. Because no matter how they slice it, it’s a risk.
“Show me,” Vi says with determination.
Caitlyn startles. “What?”
“Show me you can break out of it. If you want me to sleep in your bed tonight you—”
“Our bed,” Caitlyn interrupts.
“What?”
“It’s our bed. In our bedroom,” she emphasizes, narrowing her eyes slightly.
“That's…” Vi starts but falters at the look on Caitlyn’s face. “Okay, that’s not really the point.”
“I think it is,” Caitlyn says, crossing her arms and cocking her hip. “You don’t see this as your home do you?”
Vi hasn’t had a place to call home for a long time. To her, a home started being less about a place and more about where she belongs. She belonged with her parents and Powder in the little two bedroom house they had. After that, she and Powder belonged with Vander and then Mylo and Claggor in the room under the Last Drop.
She never considered Stillwater her home despite living there for seven years.
Once she got out she didn’t stay in one place for too long. The closest thing she got to feeling like she belonged again was when she was with Jinx, Isha and Vander at the commune. But it didn’t matter where they were as long as they had each other.
That’s how she feels with Caitlyn now. So no, she doesn’t consider this place, the space between these walls, her home. But she does know in her heart she belongs with Caitlyn.
“You’re my home.”
Caitlyn's face softens and she approaches Vi. With careful hands she cups her face and gives her a kiss. “And you’re mine.”
“Everything I am, everything I have, is yours too,” Caitlyn says gesturing around the room with her head. Then she looks nervous but earnestly adds, “Including my name. One day. If you’ll have me.”
“You really want that with me?” Vi asks. And quieter she adds, “Still?”
“More than anything.”
Their foreheads meet and Vi finally lets herself see it. A life together until the end. It’s only been something she dared to hope for in her dreams. But now it’s right in front of her, waiting for her to take it. It would take work and it won’t be perfect, but god it would be everything.
So she whispers, “As long as you’re the one wearing the dress.”
She isn’t sure she’s seen Caitlyn smile so big, her tooth gap on full display.
“Deal.”
“We have to work on your negotiation skills. I think you’re getting the short end of the stick here, Cupcake.”
“Not from where I’m standing,” she gushes, throwing her arms around Vi’s neck.
Vi is slower to wrap her arms around Caitlyn, still feeling the urge to keep her hands to herself. A fact that Caitlyn notices.
“Whatever happens, we’ll get through it together. As a family,” she pulls back to meet her eyes. “So will you come back to our bed now?”
“I still want you to prove to me you could break free. I’m not budging on that.”
Caitlyn sighs, a little exasperated, a little amused. “It’s not gonna feel very good, you know.”
Cracking her neck, Vi says, “It better not.”