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Vi’s life was over and she couldn’t care less. After Caitlyn, she had returned to her home city an outcast. Caitlyn had realized that Vi could never really commit to a cause that involved the death of her sister about a year ago now. That’s how long since they’d seen each other. I thought you were different, but you’re not. It’s her blood in your veins.
Vi divided her post Stillwater life into two sections now: during Caitlyn and after Caitlyn. During Caitlyn there was hope, and purpose, and a reason to care about her own life. After Caitlyn there was nothing. Her bruises never healed and hazy figures of people she used to love drifted through the periphery of her mind.
In the after Caitlyn, Vi could feel her fists swinging and hear the crowd cheering and feel the booze burning it’s way down her throat. This was her life now. She had accepted that it wouldn’t go back to the way it was during Caitlyn.
She saw her sister sometimes. Well, she saw the ghost of her sister haunting the bones of Jinx. It was cruel; the painted nails and purple irises of the monster Vi had created paired with the powder blue hair Vi used to braid when she was young. The fact that these two entities coexisted in the same person meant that Vi couldn’t forgive or harm her sister. She would die at a stand still of love and hate with the only blood she had left.
There was a time when Vi believed that her sister was dead, that only Jinx remained, as she had been telling Vi from the beginning. That proved false in the months after Caitlyn when her sister remained a silent presence at all of her fights.
Jinx came to the fights in disguise, all of her recognizable features hidden under a cloak. Vi had only noticed her by her familiar gait and the way she tilted her head when she couldn’t quite see the action, same as when she was a kid. They locked eyes when Vi was down in the fight. Jinx’s purple irises carrying concern for her that could only belong to Powder. Most nights, it had been the only thing that got Vi to get up. As the months went on, Vi expected her sister to intervene somehow, to make her presence known. She never did, but she always came.
Vi was down again tonight. Blood seeping from her nose and mouth into the concrete of the pit floor. Her sister was watching her, eyes silently pleading for her to get up. She wasn’t even sure who her opponent was today. At the beginning of the after Caitlyn, she recognized pretty much everyone she fought, but as the booze took hold of her she got to where she didn’t know who she was hitting anymore.
When she stood up the crowd howled for her. She knew it wasn’t her name that they were chanting, she’d made damn sure no one would recognize her. The black paint she slathered herself in burned her skin and flooded her nostrils. She wasn’t sure what they were calling her these days. Couldn’t make out much beyond the ringing in her ears.
The man she was fighting tonight paled as she started limping towards him. He was muscular and short, clearly a topsider by the full set of straight teeth. She was about to change that. He should’ve been an easy mark. If Vi had any pride left in her she’d be embarrassed that she almost lost to somebody with a handlebar mustache. He was down again with a sucker punch and a knee to the forehead, the crowed howled again. That was it. Another night. She’d go collect her winnings and get wasted with people she didn’t like. When she looked for her sister again in the crowd, she was gone. She usually stayed a little longer.
She was wading through a wave of back pats and damn right’s when a shot cut through the dense air of the club like a knife. There was a half second of silence before someone shouted “It’s the Sheriff, fucking run!” And then all hell broke loose. Beters and patrons and drunks alike all clambered for the exit like rabbits being smoked out of a den.
Vi didn’t move, she couldn’t think. The Sheriff. Caitlyn was the Sheriff. Caitlyn was here. Passively she wondered if her sister got out ok. Hoped without hoping that the gunshot had been a warning and not to spill the only blood she had left in the world.
The chaos was quieted by a single command from the mouth of the woman who haunted Vi’s mind. “Stop. We are here for Jinx and Jinx alone. We have reason to believe she’s a regular at this club. If you cooperate this doesn’t have to get violent,” Caitlyn said. Vi still hadn’t seen her yet, she was half convinced it was another hallucination.
“She went out the window about fifteen minutes ago,” someone stuttered. There was a shuffling noise and some grunts of protest before people resumed fleeing the club and Caitlyn Kiramman barreled right into Vi. Of all the times Vi had imagined seeing her again, it never went quite like this.
Caitlyn stopped dead in her tracks when they locked eyes. “Vi?” She muttered, all the sternness in her face was washed away by something raw and painful. Out of the corner of her eye, Vi saw Caitlyn’s hand move towards her face.
“Sheriff, we’ve gotta go, she’s getting away,” another enforcer said, grabbing her by the shoulder. And just like that, Caitlyn was gone. Again. Must’ve been another hallucination, Vi figured and went on with her night.
The drinks tasted shallow tonight, bitter and acrid. The walk to her flat was a little harder to remember. She was losing herself bit by bit. Most nights she couldn’t tell, but tonight she could. The shaking was worse and she didn’t even punch the guy who elbowed her on her way out of the club.
The heavy face plant into her mattress was welcome. It wasn’t much of a mattress, it sort of reminded her of the floor in Stillwater solitary if she was honest. Maybe that’s why she liked it. At least she had a routine in Stillwater. It didn’t take long for her to drift off after that, her bones were heavy with booze and memories.
***
Vi was half asleep when her door creaked open with a groan. A soft “Vi?” sounded into the dimness of her cupboard apartment. She would recognize the voice anywhere, and this time she was pretty sure it was real. Her mind could never quite get the accent right.
She slid her eyes open, fixing them on the tally marks on the wall. She could hear glass crunching as Caitlyn made her way inside. “Oh… my god,” Caitlyn whispered, kicking something over that made a crack when it hit the ground.
“Why are you here?” Vi asked when she couldn’t take the silence anymore. She hated that her voice shook. A soft gasp came from Caitlyn, and Vi could tell from the glass crunching that she had taken a step back.
“Vi,” Caitlyn said with a pause, “I came to see you.” Vi squeezed her eyes shut. She’d given up on ever hearing those words from that mouth. Or any mouth, for that matter. “We need to talk.”
“I can’t talk to you, I can’t look at you, and I definitely can’t see you again.”
There was a thick, sickening silence in the room. “Let me explain my side of things, please.”
“What is there to explain, Caitlyn,” Vi said, her anger rising. She pulled herself upright but kept her eyes fixed on her knees. “It all seems pretty clear to me.”
“You have every right to be angry with me-“ Caitlyn began to explain.
“I’m not asking for your permission,” Vi said, cutting her off. The awful silence started to trickle back into the room. “So, must be really fucking desperate, huh? Let me guess, my sister’s got you at your wits end so you figured you could come pick me back up off the floor where you left me and get me to lead you right back to her?”
“Vi, please, I’m here to apologize-“
“Guess what, Cupcake, I don’t know shit. Not about Jinx, not about the Chembarons, so you can just leave. You know how.”
Vi had been expecting the crunch of glass and the slamming of a door, but instead she was met with more silence. “Do you really think that’s all I wanted you for? Information?” Caitlyn spoke so calmly that it made Vi even angrier.
“I don’t know what to think, Caitlyn. I don’t even know who you are anymore. I thought we had something, you know?” Caitlyn’s mouth opened like she was going to speak but Vi carried on “why did you leave me if you cared?” Vi’s voice cracked at the last part.
Why did you leave me?
“It was too complicated, Vi. How could I be with the woman whose sister killed my mother? When you stopped my shot you chose her.”
“I shouldn’t have had to choose! I shouldn’t have been there in the first place. You put me there, Caitlyn, I gave up everything I am for you, and now there’s nothing fucking left of me.” The silence rang out again, broken by the sound of Caitlyn moving towards the exit. Vi dug her nails into her palms. She knew Caitlyn would leave, but some part of her had hoped she’d keep trying to fix things.
Caitlyn paused at the entryway before she spoke again, “You’re right. You shouldn’t have been there, and it shouldn’t have been a choice you had to make, but I couldn’t imagine doing it without you, Vi. I was naive, and stupid, and I couldn’t see anything past my own pain.” Caitlyn’s voice was still even.
“Why has it been so long? You just fucking left me here, Cait. I waited weeks for you to come back. Why now?” Vi could feel tears trailing down her cheeks. It had been so long since she’d cried that it was almost foreign, like the sun to a trencher.
“Because I had to lose you, Vi! I couldn’t handle the way you made me feel, I couldn’t handle the way you looked at me. You were the only thing stopping me from becoming the person I have to be now. God, it was like every order I gave was pushing a knife into your chest. I felt like I was killing you. I did kill you, didn’t I?” She muttered the last part, it was barely over a whisper.
“No, Caitlyn, you killed yourself.”
“I love you, Violet. I love you, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I lost myself and I’m sorry I lost you.”
Vi rose to her feet, she still hadn’t looked at Caitlyn but she could feel how close she was by the breath on her forehead. “I don’t believe you.”
“It’s true,” Caitlyn insisted.
“No, no, nothing you say to me is true. You’re not even Caitlyn anymore, you’re some new, fake person and-“ Vi was yelling now.
“I love you, Vi,” Caitlyn repeated, the glass crunched beneath her boots as she took a step closer.
“You can’t, I’ve been trying to get over you, trying not to think about you, you can’t just say that,” Vi stopped yelling when she felt a clammy, familiar hand cup her cheek.
“Vi. Violet. Please look at me,” Caitlyn said, her thumb caressing Vi’s cheek bone.
For the first time since the club, Vi looked at the woman she loved. Caitlyn’s eyes were bluer than the deepest ocean and her lips were cracked like she’d been biting them. “Please tell me what you’re thinking. What’s in your brain, Violet?”
Vi could feel her resolve crumbling almost as fast as her anger. “ That you’re just as beautiful as the day I lost you,” Vi murmured, nuzzling her face into Caitlyn’s palm the way she had a long time ago, when the world felt full of possibilities. “And that I should hate you.”
“I know, darling, I know. I don’t deserve your forgiveness, and if you want me to leave I’ll go, but I needed you to know how I feel,” Caitlyn thumbed the tears away from Vi’s cheek bones. “I love you more than I hate your sister. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize that.”
Vi gulped, clenching her eyes closed. “Fuck, I love you too. I couldn’t hate you. I tried, but I couldn’t.”
When Vi opened her eyes again, Caitlyn looked raw and open and very young. She looked like her old self, even if just for a second. Then, without warning, she wrapped Vi up in her arms, breathing in deeply. “You smell awful,” she muttered.
A laugh bubbled out of Vi’s throat as she relaxed into Caitlyn’s hold. “Yeah, I think the smell is the least of your concerns, the stuff in my hair definitely stains. And the stuff on my face.”
“The blood or the paint?”
“Both,” vi said. Caitlyn huffed in a way that would sound exasperated to anyone who didn’t know her.
“Do I smell too awful for you to lie down with me? I’m still fucking wasted and you look like you’re about to drop. When was the last time you slept?”
“When was the last time you were sober?”
“Ouch, detective,” Vi clamped a hand over her heart, falling to the bed “you hit me right in the substance abuse.”
Caitlyn sighed and tentatively laid down next to Vi on the mattress, “that doesn’t even make sense.”
“It does if you’re drunk.”
“So I gathered.”
Vi rolled over, putting her head on Caitlyn’s chest and her arm around her waist. “What happens now?” She asked, looking up at the silhouette of Caitlyn’s sharp features in the darkness.
“I think that’s up to you, dear. I’ve done enough misguiding for one lifetime,” Caitlyn murmured into Vi’s hairline.
Vi made a sleepy humming noise. “Can I sleep on it, Commander?”
“Of course,” Caitlyn said. They both drifted off to sleep with lighter hearts and clearer minds, not oblivious to the complications waiting for them outside of the shoe box apartment, but with a pleasant detachment that neither of them had been able to seek solace in for a long time.