Archive of Our Own

Eddie never liked to work shifts without Buck, but he really started to hate it after everything that happened in New Mexico. He hated that he couldn’t be with Buck twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.

When they had arrived back home in Los Angeles, they were both on medical leave, seeing as they were both recovering from multiple injuries from their time in the desert. Eddie had spent nearly every day of those two weeks at Buck’s house. He’d come over for breakfast after dropping Chris off at school and then they’d spend all day watching movies, doing their physical therapy in the backyard, going to pick Chris back up from school, and then they’d stay for dinner.

There was only one day that Eddie went back to his house after taking Chris to school. Buck had said that he had a doctor's appointment and Maddie was going to drive him, so Eddie went back home and did PT by himself that day.

Now though, just four short weeks later, both Buck and Eddie were back at work. They were both cleared by their doctors for full duty.

And Eddie’s never been more worried about Buck than he is right now.

Buck had told Eddie that he was going to go to therapy. He was going to talk to someone about what happened to him in New Mexico, in that God forsaken place. But, he hasn’t been to a single session.

They’ve been home for six weeks and Buck has cancelled his sessions with Doctor Copeland every single time.

Last week, Eddie had picked Chris up from school and grabbed pizza from their favorite pizza joint. He even went against his morals and ordered a Hawaiian pizza because he knew it was Buck’s favorite from this particular spot.

But when they arrived at Buck’s, he…didn’t answer the door. Chris had figured that he probably wasn’t home at the time, and Eddie was inclined to believe him until he looked back over his shoulder one more time and saw the curtains flutter shut.

Buck had been home that day. That was the first time that he’d never opened the door for not only Eddie, but Christopher.

That was one big red flag.

Just last night, Eddie and Chris had gone over to Buck’s again for dinner. At first, Eddie thought it was going to be the same story. They’d knock and knock on the door, waiting for an answer that would never come.

But finally, after Eddie started to feel panic crawling up his spine, Buck answered the door with his usual big grin he always wore around Chris.

It didn’t reach his eyes, which was another big red flag.

Eddie could see right through him.

But, he knew how Buck operated. He knew that if he pushed Buck in any way about this, he would hide. He would push Eddie away, insisting that he was fine. He would start to avoid him and that was the last thing Eddie wanted.

So, he pretended like he didn’t see through the mask Buck was wearing. He apologized for second-guessing Buck, for judging his way of healing and moving forward.

“But I’m feeling like myself again. Really, Eddie, I’m doing good,” Buck had said to him in the kitchen.

“Well, you seem good. Yeah. I was worried the man I knew didn’t make it out of New Mexico.”

And that had been that. The three of them went on to have dinner together, they played a few rounds of Mario Kart, and then Chris and Eddie left with a promise that they’d have dinner again next week.

Eddie woke up this morning with a feeling of anxiety in the pit of his stomach. He wasn’t sure why until he remembered that Buck was off today. He wouldn’t be seeing him at all.

Eddie didn’t like that. He wanted to see Buck everyday, all day.

He went through the motions of his morning routine automatically, every thought in his head circling Buck.

Is he sleeping enough, he wondered in his head as he shut his alarm off and rubbed the sleepiness from his eyes.

Is he eating enough, he questioned as he scrambled eggs on the stove for both him and Chris.

Is he taking care of himself, he thought as he shaved, showered, and brushed his teeth.

Is he talking to Maddie about anything, he contemplated when Hen asked how he was doing after strolling into the locker room to change into his uniform.

And then the day had really started. They’d barely had time to eat breakfast before the first call came in, and from there, it was nonstop. Call after call came in, keeping Eddie’s mind occupied with work instead of Buck.

They went to a fender-bender on the I-10. They were called to a kitchen fire that was more smoke than actual fire. They were sent to a nursing home to help lift and transport a resident that had fallen and broken his hip, and then called to another accident on a different stretch of the I-10.

The team got a short respite for lunch with dispatch taking them offline for an hour. Eddie sat at the dining table in the loft with everyone, but now that he wasn’t on a call, his mind returned to Buck. He wondered how he was spending his day off. If he was isolating himself at home or grabbing lunch with Maddie or grocery shopping or working out or or or…Eddie didn’t know. He wanted to reach out, but he’d just seen Buck last night. He didn’t want to overstep, to accidentally overwhelm Buck with all of his check-in’s, so he didn’t.

Before he knew it, the hour had passed and the 118 was back in rotation for calls. Pretty much immediately, they were called to the scene of a car accident. A pretty serious one from the sounds of it. A mother and her son, who already hadn’t been breathing when the crash occurred.

Eddie slipped back into paramedic mode, all thoughts of Buck slipping to the back of his mind as he rushed to the destroyed car in front of him.

It took a while to extract both of them from the vehicle, but eventually, both mother and son are being transported to the hospital alive. Eddie and Hen had got the son breathing again while Chimney and Ravi stabilized his mother.

After dropping both of their patients off, Eddie waited outside by the ambulance to head back to the station. Hen was still inside filling out incident reports. Chimney and Ravi were over by the engine, reorganizing the compartments and stuffing their turnout jackets inside.

Eddie plopped himself on the bumper of the bus while he waited for Hen. He took a long pull from his water bottle as the hot California sun beat down on him.

A few minutes had passed when his phone started to ring. He set his water bottle down and pulled it from his pocket, Buck’s smiling face lighting up the screen.

Instantly, he’s on high alert.

“Buck, hey,” he answered. “Everything okay?”

Buck didn’t respond. The only noise Eddie heard from the other end was the sound of Buck’s choppy breathing.

Eddie’s nerves clenched with worry.

“Buck? Hey, are you okay? What’s going on?”

Buck coughed. A deep, ragged sound.

“Ed—Eddie…th-think I mess-messed up,” he slurred. His voice was breathy, like he didn’t have the energy to make his voice work.

Fear clamped around Eddie's heart like a vice. Ice formed in his bones, crawling down the length of his spine.

“What happened, Buck? Where are you, are you at home?”

“H-home, yeah,” he mumbled. “Think I…th-think I took too many. Don’t…f-feel good.”

Raising his arm in the air, he started waving it frantically in Chimney’s direction. Chim caught his eye and shot back a questioning look before jogging over towards him.

“What did you take, Buck?” Eddie asked frantically. “You gotta talk to me, man, what did you take?”

“Was—was an accident, Eds. Didn’t m-mean too.” Buck was talking so slow. Usually, the words flew out of his mouth, his lips moving faster than his mind. But now, it was so slow, like he had to use every bit of strength in his body to force the words out.

Chimney made it to Eddie and raised his hands up in a questioning gesture. Eddie covered the phone speaker with his hand, pulling it slightly away from his ear.

“We have to get to Buck’s, now,” he hissed to Chim. “I think he overdosed on something.”

All the color drained from Chimney’s face before he was sprinting around to the other side of the ambulance, climbing into the driver's seat. He could hear Chimney shout something in Ravi’s direction, something along the lines of going to check on Buck, keep you updated. Eddie crawled into the passenger seat, putting his seatbelt on hastily as Chimney started the bus and pulled out onto the street. He flipped the lights and sirens on, maneuvering around traffic as quickly as possible.

“Buck, what did you take? We need to know, bud, so we can help you when we get there. Okay? We’re heading to you, Chim and I, we’re five minutes away.” Eddie tried to control the shakiness of his voice as he spoke, but he’d never heard Buck sound so disoriented before.

“As’identally took my…my anxiety meds w-with p-pain. Meds.” A harsh cough ripped out of Buck. “T-took too many…anxiety meds, I th-think.”

Fuck. Eddie knew he was right to be worried, but Buck overdosing on prescription medications hadn’t even once crossed his mind.

“Okay, okay,” Eddie stammered back. “Okay, Buck. That’s alright, we’re so close, bud. Just hold on, you hear me? You hold on for me.”

Buck took a shaky inhale.

“T-tired, Eds,” he slurred. “‘M so tired.”

“I know you are, bab-buddy.” Eddie caught himself before the term of endearment could slip completely, but his face still turned hot. “I know you’re tired, but you gotta stay awake for now. Please, Buck, please keep your eyes open.”

“Try-trying. I’m trying for you, Eds.”

Tears sprang into Eddie’s eyes.

“I know. You’re doing so good, Buck. We’re almost there, we’re turning onto your street now. Can you hear us? Buck, can you hear the sirens?”

Buck took a shallow breath.

“H-hear you. Hard to. Hard to breathe.”

Eddie’s heart stuttered in his chest. Chimney parked the ambulance haphazardly by the curb in front of Buck’s house and threw it in park, both of them not wasting another second before jumping out, grabbing their kits, and rushing to Buck’s front door.

Eddie shouldered his way through the door, thankfully unlocked, and made his way into the living room.

“Buck!” He yelled. “Buck!”

He didn’t wait for an answer, knowing that Buck was possibly going into respiratory failure and maybe couldn’t spend any more precious oxygen on responding back, before continuing through the house.

Buck’s bedroom door was the only closed door in the entire house.

Eddie threw it open and let his eyes wander around the room, his heart dropping to his toes when he saw Buck splayed out on the floor beside his bed.

Eddie made it to his side and dropped to his knees.

“Buck, hey,” he stuttered. Buck’s eyes were closed. Eddie pressed two shaking fingers to the side of his throat and waited to feel the thrum of his pulse. It took longer than Eddie cared for, the beat moving sluggishly under Buck’s skin, but it was there.

Chimney, on the other side of Buck, put a pulse ox on his finger. Eddie looked at it when it beeped, indicating Buck’s oxygen saturation. It was only 89%.

His lips were starting to turn blue.

Eddie fumbled in his bag for the naloxone spray.

“Chim, he needs oxygen,” he stammered. “Get a tank prepped.”

He grabbed the naloxone with shaking fingers and inserted it into one of Buck’s nostrils, pressing down on the plunger to administer the medication. As soon as Eddie withdrew the spray from Buck’s nose, Chimney slipped the oxygen mask over his face.

“Starting him on 10 liters of high flow oxygen,” Chimney said then. Eddie pretended to not hear the tremor in his words.

“Buck, we’re here,” Eddie tried to rouse him again. “Chim and I, we’ve got you, okay? Can you open your eyes?”

Buck let out a weak groan. After a second, his eyes fluttered open, glassy and disoriented.

“Hey, there he is,” Eddie choked out, his own eyes turning misty at the confusion on Buck’s face. “You’re going to be okay, Buck. We’re gonna get you to the hospital and get some fluids in you and you’ll be alright.”

“Eds…” Buck muttered, barely a whisper. “‘M s-sorry…”

Eddie shook his head.

“It’s okay. Everything’s okay. I’m glad you called me, Buck, I’m so glad you called me.”

“Let’s get a backboard under him and transport him,” Chimney said. Eddie could see tears in his eyes at the sight of his brother-in-law.

Eddie rolled Buck onto his side, holding him gently, while Chimney shoved the backboard under him. Eddie laid him back down before standing up and helping lift the board off of the floor. They carried Buck through his house, out the front door, and slid him on the waiting gurney outside of the ambulance, lifting it into the bus once he was settled.

“I’ll drive,” Chimney said before Eddie could offer. “I should call Maddie en route, let her know what happened. You just…keep him awake, okay?” He didn’t wait for an answer. He turned on his heel and jogged back to the driver's seat.

Eddie climbed into the ambulance and slammed the door shut behind him. Buck, usually a flurry of movement and noise, was so oddly still. The silence was unsettling. It tore Eddie’s heart in two.

The ambulance started moving again, lurching forward as Chimney threw it in drive and took off down the street.

Eddie refocused on Buck.

“Buck, you still with me?” He asked.

“H-here,” Buck breathed back.

“You gotta stay awake for now, okay? You’re doing so good. So, so good,” Eddie encouraged. He took out the supplies he needed to start an IV on him. “A little pinch on the back of your hand.” He slid the needle into Buck’s vein, taping it in place before running the line wide open.

“‘M sorry, Eds,” Buck slurred. “Prom-promise I didn’t mean too…”

A tear slipped over Eddie’s waterline and trailed down his face. He wiped it away hastily.

“I know you didn’t. It’s okay, Buck. I’m sorry too,” Eddie whispered back.

Buck’s chest stuttered on the next breath.

“Why…you sorry?” He stuttered out.

“I’m just. I’m sorry for everything that’s happened.” Eddie could feel more tears falling from his eyes. No matter how hard he tried to make them stop, he just couldn’t. He felt completely shattered. “I’m sorry I didn’t do more.”

“‘S ‘kay. N-not your fault.”

Eddie gripped Buck’s other hand, holding it tightly. Buck didn’t have the strength to squeeze his hand back, but he stroked his thumb across Eddie’s hand once. Just once. Eddie wasn’t sure if it was intentional or not.

“Two minutes out!” Chim shouted from the driver's seat.

Buck’s eyes closed again.

“Hey, keep ‘em open,” Eddie said gently. “Keep your eyes open. Just a little bit longer.”

Buck didn’t answer. He didn’t open his eyes. His entire body suddenly became tense, like all of his muscles locked into place.

His hand went oddly stiff in Eddie’s. His grip tightened, surprising Eddie with the sudden change in pressure.

“Buck, hey. C’mon, open your eyes.” Eddie sounded like he was begging, but at this point, he didn’t care how desperate he sounded. All he cared about right now was Buck.

Buck, who had gone unresponsive.

“Buck, c’mon! Stay with me, please, please. Open your eyes!”

Chimney pulled the ambulance into the emergency room drive just as Buck’s body began to seize.

*

Eddie paced the length of the waiting room.

It’d only been thirty minutes since doctors had taken Buck from the ambulance and rushed him into the ER, but Eddie felt like a lifetime had passed. He needed someone to tell him what was going on. He needed to know that Buck was okay.

Maddie was sitting in one of the chairs, her knee bouncing up and down. Chimney sat beside her, their hands clasped tightly together. She looked as worried as Eddie felt.

Eddie turned on his heel and paced another lap around the room.

The noises of the ER faded out of Eddie’s ears. He couldn’t stop hearing Buck’s uneven breathing, feeling Buck’s grip tighten around his hand as his body started to convulse.

Buck said he accidentally took both his pain medication and his anxiety meds. Eddie hadn’t even known that Buck was taking anxiety medication. He hadn’t known that Buck was still taking the pain meds he’d been prescribed in New Mexico. His doctor cleared him for duty four weeks ago, the same as himself. Eddie just assumed that meant he was done taking pills.

Guilt started to gnaw at Eddie. He felt it crawling up his spine, slowly getting closer to his heart.

Buck had said he was good. He was fine, he was feeling like himself again. Eddie hadn’t believed him, necessarily, but he didn’t want to push Buck into talking because then he’d hide. He wanted Buck to come to him if he needed anything.

Eddie, naively, thought that he was doing okay when Buck never asked for help.

What a fucking idiot, Eddie mentally criticized himself.

He turned again and made another lap.

As he passed by where Maddie and Chimney sat, Maddie reached out towards him.

“Eddie,” she said shakily, tears thick in her voice. “Did you know he was taking any medication?”

Eddie swallowed hard.

“No,” he responded to her, his voice barely above a whisper. “I had no idea.”

Maddie’s face crumpled, her expression breaking into something so heartbreaking that Eddie had to look away.

He continued pacing the room as his guilt nipped at his ankles.

It was another twenty minutes before a doctor came into the waiting room. By this time, Hen and Ravi had joined the rest of them. Chimney had called Hen from the road after hanging up with Maddie to tell them what was going on, apologizing for leaving the scene of their last call so suddenly. Dispatch had taken the 118 offline for the next few hours while they dealt with their own emergency.

“Family of Evan Buckley?”

Eddie made a beeline towards the doctor.

“I’m Eddie Diaz, his medical proxy,” he rushed out. “How is he? Is he-is he okay?”

The doctor smiled as the rest of their family caught up to them.

“He’s stable.”

A fraction of the weight on Eddie’s shoulders fell off. They all breathed a sigh of relief.

“My name is Doctor Roberts, the primary doctor on Evan’s case. He’s okay. He was actively seizing when paramedics arrived at the ER, so we administered a dose of nasal diazepam to control the convulsions.” She looked down at the clipboard in her hands. “We took a blood sample as soon as we got the seizure under control and got it to the lab as quickly as possible. The results showed that Evan had a mixture of lorazepam and oxycodone in his system.”

Eddie let out a heavy breath, feeling like the rug had just been pulled out from underneath him.

Lorazepam for anxiety and oxy for pain.

“He had nearly eight milligrams of lorazepam in his system. For someone of his age and his size, a typical dose of this medication would be two to three milligrams. Taking a dose of lorazepam that big is dangerous already, but he also had oxy in his system. Luckily, and I say this very lightly, but luckily he had only taken a single dose of the oxy. If he’d taken another few milligrams, I’m not sure I’d be telling you this same story.”

Maddie let out a small sob.

“Now, I got a quick glance at Evan’s medical records. He spent time at a hospital in New Mexico recently?”

Eddie nodded.

“We were on a road trip, him and I. We got into an accident.” Eddie wasn’t sure if he should mention how and why the car crash happened, but he figured it would probably be best if his doctor knew all of the information that led them to this point. “We were actually chased down and forced off the road. This, uh, this woman that waited on us at a diner thought he looked like her deceased son and took him from the scene of the accident. Her and her son’s father both.”

Eddie could tell that Doctor Roberts was trying to keep a neutral expression on her face, but she looked slightly horrified.

“Wow. I cannot imagine how scary that must’ve been,” she sympathized.

Eddie pursed his lips.

“I didn’t know he started taking anxiety medication,” he admitted. “He told me he was doing okay after everything. He seemed like he was doing good.”

Doctor Roberts nodded.

“Lorazepam is a great medication for quick results,” she relayed to them. “It’s supposed to be used in short term increments, usually no longer than four weeks because tolerance for the medication can also happen quite quickly. Once someone builds a tolerance to it and isn't getting the results they’d been seeing, they start to take more to have those results again.”

Eddie wondered how long Buck had been taking it.

“Does Evan have a history of substance abuse?” Doctor Roberts continued.

Both Eddie and Maddie shook their heads. Buck had always been careful about the medications he took. When his leg had been crushed all those years ago, he refused to even take half a pill unless the pain was debilitating.

“He told me it was an accident,” Eddie confessed. “He said he’d accidentally mixed the medications.”

Doctor Roberts hummed.

“I’m sure he was experiencing some confusion from the lorazepam. Usually, we’d have someone go through a psych evaluation after an overdose, but it seems to me that this truly was an accident, given his medical history and his background with prescription medication. We’re going to start weaning him off of the lorazepam with smaller doses and IV fluids to help with detoxing.”

“Is there any risk for more seizures?” Hen asked.

Doctor Roberts shook her head.

“No, I don’t believe so. Once his system is clear of the drugs, there shouldn’t be any reason to believe he’s at risk of another seizure.”

Eddie needed to get his eyes on him as soon as possible.

“Can we see him?”

“Of course. He’s sleeping at the moment, but I’ll show you to his room. Only two at a time for now.”

There were no arguments. No discussions on who the two visitors would be.

Maddie and Eddie followed Doctor Roberts down the hallway while everyone retreated back to the waiting room. She stopped in front of a closed door.

“He’s right through here. Let me know if you need anything,” she said with a soft smile.

Both Eddie and Maddie thanked her before making their way into the room.

Seeing Buck in a hospital bed never got easier, even if he had no obvious injuries. Nothing Eddie could see with his eyes. No, this was something more malicious. Something that was even more dangerous.

Maddie went to the bedside, setting a hand over Buck’s limp wrist.

“Evan,” she breathed. “Oh, my sweet Evan.” Eddie could hear the tears in her voice as she leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to Buck’s temple.

He looked peaceful. All of the tension he usually carried, especially as of late, disappeared in his sleep. His face was slack. His lips, which had regained their usual color instead of that ghostly shade of blue, were parted just slightly. Eddie watched the rise and fall of his chest intently, noting that it was more even now than it was just over an hour ago.

He made his way over to Buck’s bedside, standing on the opposite side of Maddie. He laid his own hand over Buck’s, swiping his thumb back and forth.

“I didn’t know,” he whispered. His bottom lip wobbled as he spoke, his eyes starting to burn with the threat of tears. “I didn’t know he was taking anything. For anxiety or – or pain.”

Maddie looked at Eddie. Her eyes were swimming too.

“I didn’t either. He never – I didn’t know he was struggling this badly.” She shook her head slightly before fixing her gaze back on her brother. “He came over for dinner a couple of nights ago. I thought…he seemed so good. I thought he was.”

They lapsed into silence for a long time. Eventually, the two of them settled into chairs and just waited.

Waited for Buck to wake up. Waited for any sign of movement from him.

At one point, a nurse came in to change out the bag of fluids dripping into Buck’s veins. Another nurse came in shortly after and took his vitals. Eddie looked at the monitor behind Buck’s bed and saw that his oxygen saturation was back up to 97%.

It was another thirty minutes after that when Buck finally started to wake.

Eddie saw his brows furrow slightly.

He sat up in his chair. He saw Maddie do the same, reattaching her hand to Buck’s.

“Evan?” She said quietly. “I’m here. Eddie’s here.”

Buck opened his eyes slowly, flitting them around the room, taking in his surroundings. The glassiness from earlier was still there, but he didn’t look as disoriented anymore.

“Hospital?” He muttered.

“Yeah,” Eddie confirmed. “Do you–do you remember what happened?”

Buck didn’t answer for a long moment before he shook his head.

Eddie swallowed around the lump in his throat.

“You overdosed, Buck,” he relayed to him gently. “Your doctor said you had lorazepam and oxycodone in your system.”

A look of embarrassment, or maybe shame, crossed Buck’s face.

“Oh.”

He wouldn’t look at either one of them, instead training his gaze on the scratchy hospital blanket covering him.

Eddie wanted to ask. He could tell Maddie did too. He wanted to ask how long Buck had been dependent on the benzodiazepine. He wanted to ask why Buck was still taking the prescription pain medication.

But, as Eddie watched Buck’s eyes grow shiny with tears, he knew now was not the time. Later, when Buck was home and recovering, he would ask.

Now was the time for comfort. For reassuring Buck that he wasn’t alone. That Eddie wasn’t going anywhere ever again.

As Buck’s tears began to fall, Eddie grasped his hand like it was a lifeline. Maddie looped her arms around his Buck’s neck and held on tight, whispering reassurances to her brother that everything would be okay.

Eddie wouldn’t settle for anything less.

*

Buck was only kept in the hospital for a few hours. He was discharged before the sun even set on the day.

There were a few stipulations, however. Doctor Roberts requested that somebody stayed with Buck to keep an eye on him. She also wanted Buck to keep getting IV fluids for the next seven days to help aid the detox process, which she allowed to be done at home since Eddie was a trained medic and Maddie was a former nurse.

Eddie offered immediately to stay with Buck at his house. Maddie hadn’t looked surprised in the slightest.

Which brought them to now.

Buck was sitting on the back patio, staring into the distance. A blanket was thrown over his legs, a plate of untouched food in front of him. Maddie had sat out there with him for a long time, the two of them talking things out, when they’d first arrived home, but now she’d gone home for the night with a promise to be back in the morning.

Eddie watched him through the kitchen window as he prepped everything he needed to administer Buck’s first IV treatment at home. He was unusually still, just like he had been earlier in the ambulance. It was just as unsettling as then.

Gathering all of the supplies, Eddie made his way outside to Buck. He set everything down on the patio table, standing right in front of him.

“Got everything ready,” he said softly.

Without a word, Buck held his arm out. His gaze didn’t wander, still staring across the yard at the trees near the property line.

Eddie took a deep breath and made quick work of inserting the needle into Buck’s vein before removing the clamp over the tubing and making sure the flow rate of the fluids was steady. The yellow liquid started to flow through the tubing, disappearing into Buck’s veins.

Buck inhaled deeply and blew his breath out slowly.

Eddie sat in the chair beside him. A part of him itched to ask Buck about everything. About the medications, the dependency, the deflection whenever Eddie asked him how he was.

But another part of him was scared to ask.

He’d missed the signs. Or ignored them, maybe? He wasn’t really sure anymore. Buck had told him several times that he was okay, he was good after everything. Eddie had so desperately wanted him to be alright that maybe he’d accidentally become oblivious.

Buck sighed again.

“It really was an accident,” he mumbled.

Okay. Time to talk.

Eddie blew out a breath.

“I know. I believe you,” he said back. He turned his head to look at Buck, who was still staring at nothing.

Buck didn’t say anything, so Eddie filled the silence.

“How long have you been relying on lorazepam, Buck?”

Buck pursed his lips. It took him a long moment to answer.

“Since New Mexico. Or, well. Since leaving New Mexico. I was…having some anxiety and–and trouble sleeping, so I went to my primary doctor. He prescribed the meds.”

Six weeks ago. Eddie hadn’t seen him take any medication, not a single time, in all the days and nights he’d spent with the man. The guilt he’d been feeling all day felt even bigger now.

“And the pain medication? I thought you had stopped taking that when you were cleared for duty.”

Buck shrugged.

“My–my leg. I was so tired and I just. I wanted to take a nap, but it was hurting so much that I couldn’t sleep and I–” Buck paused to take a breath, “I guess I just wasn’t thinking right when I took them.”

A lump formed in Eddie’s throat. He could feel the backs of his eyes burning and quickly blinked the tears away.

“Buck, do you take the oxy every day?”

He shook his head.

“No, Eddie, no. I promise. I–I only take it when I really need it.”

Eddie let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. Knowing Buck wasn’t abusing those pills made him feel a little bit better.

“I’m sorry,” Buck murmured quietly, nearly inaudible.

Eddie turned his chair so his entire body was facing Buck.

“Buck, please don’t say that. You have nothing to be sorry about.” Eddie made sure that his tone was firm, so he didn’t leave Buck any room to argue. “I know it was an accident. I just. I didn’t realize you had been taking anything for anxiety.”

Eddie watched a tear slip from Buck’s eye and run down his face.

“I’m so scared. All the time, Eddie,” he whispered. “I couldn’t–I can’t stop feeling like I’m still in that room, in that place. Like something is going to go wrong again. I just needed something to take the edge off.

“And it worked, for a little while,” Buck continued. “But then it…I don’t know, stopped working or didn’t work as well anymore, so I. I guess I just started upping the dosage until I was comfortable again.”

“Doctor Roberts said that a tolerance for lorazepam can happen really quickly,” Eddie tacked on. “She also said it’s not a long-term solution for anxiety.”

Buck sniffled, wiping his eyes with the corner of his blanket. They sat quietly for a few moments, taking in the sounds of the neighborhood. The sun was beginning to set, casting the sky in different shades of pink and orange.

“How long have you been feeling like this, Buck?”

He shook his head.

“Since I woke up in a child’s bedroom in New Mexico.”

Eddie figured as much.

“Why didn’t you tell anyone? Me or–or Maddie. We could’ve helped you. We want to help you.”

Buck shrugged helplessly and sniffled.

“I didn’t want any of you to know that I’m not the man you knew. Not anymore.”

Eddie felt like Buck just slapped him across the face.

Just last night, Eddie had said a version of those same words.

I was worried the man I knew didn’t make it out of New Mexico.

“Buck. You are still you. You’re still Buck,” Eddie insisted. “You’re still the same kind, loyal, compassionate, loving Buck that we all knew and loved before New Mexico. That hasn’t changed. You are still the man I know and love, still the man that Christopher knows and loves.”

Buck let out a strangled sound.

“I don’t feel like myself anymore, Eddie. I haven’t felt like myself since I woke up in that fucking bedroom.”

Taking a deep breath, Eddie reached out and set a hand on Buck’s knee, grasping it firmly.

“Buck, I think it’s time to start going back to therapy again,” he said gently.

Buck’s gaze finally left the middle distance and landed on Eddie. His lower lip wobbled.

“I know you wanted to handle this your way. But, you tried. It didn’t work and that’s okay, so it’s time to schedule an appointment with Copeland. She’ll be able to prescribe you something more long-term to help with your anxiety. It’s time to talk to someone about what happened so you can process it and heal and try to move forward.”

Buck blinked his eyes rapidly, trying to stave off more tears from falling.

Eddie took his hand off Buck’s knee and grabbed his hand instead, clinging onto him.

“It’s okay to not be okay, Buck. It’s okay to need help. You know there’s no shame in getting help when it’s needed. Especially after the ordeal you went through out there. That’s a lot for anyone to try and process on their own.”

Buck exhaled shakily. He squeezed Eddie’s hand tight, reminiscent of earlier in the ambulance right before his body locked up. Buck dropped his gaze to the cement patio.

“Okay,” he finally whispered after a couple seconds of quiet. A few more tears slipped down his face. “Can…can you help me set up a session with Doctor Copeland?”

Eddie dipped his head to catch Buck’s eyes.

“Absolutely. Anything you need, Buck, I’m here, okay? I’ve got you. Through everything, I’ve got you. We can give her a call tomorrow.”

“Th-thank you,” Buck murmured back. “For everything.”

Eddie stroked his thumb over Buck’s knuckles.

“You don’t have to thank me. This is what families do for each other. Support each other through the tough times and come out stronger because of it.” He sent Buck a soft smile. “We’re gonna be okay.”

Buck gave a feeble smile back in Eddie’s direction. He looked so tired.

“Alright, I’m going to go make us some tea. Are you hungry?” Eddie gestured to the plate of food that sat untouched in front of Buck. “I can heat that back up for you.”

Buck shook his head.

“No, I’m not hungry. Tea sounds nice though.”

Giving Buck’s hand one last squeeze, Eddie stood up from his chair and made his way into the kitchen. He put the kettle on before grabbing two mugs out of the cupboard and dropping a tea bag in both.

Chamomile for Buck and peppermint for himself.

As he waited for the kettle to boil, Eddie allowed himself a moment to breathe. It had been a long, emotional day. Eddie knew there was a long road ahead of them. But he wasn’t going to let Buck go it alone.

Never.

Once the water was boiling, he poured the mugs and carried them out to the patio. His heart nearly shattered at the sight that greeted him.

Buck was sitting with his knees drawn up to his chest, his arms wrapped tight around his legs and his forehead pressed to his knees. He was sobbing. Loud, anguished cries that shook his entire body.

Eddie hurriedly sat the mugs on the table and dropped into the chair beside Buck, slipping his arm over his shoulders.

“Hey, hey. Buck, what is it? What’s wrong?”

Buck’s breath hitched violently in his throat. He didn’t speak for a few moments, unable to catch his breath for long enough to get words out.

“He–he’d be so dis-disappointed in…m-me,” he finally choked out between sobs.

Eddie knew instantly who Buck was talking about.

Bobby.

Eddie couldn’t fight the tears that sprang into his eyes and slipped down his face. It was coming up on the one year anniversary of Bobby’s death. Eddie knew Buck was still struggling with his grief over everything that happened in the lab that fateful night and now, with everything else that had occurred in the last six weeks, he could see Buck’s grief clear as day. It showed all over his face, in the tension set in Buck’s shoulders, in the sobs that wracked his body.

“Oh, Buck,” Eddie whispered, his voice thick with his own tears. “Bobby would never be disappointed with you.”

Buck lifted his face off of his knees and looked at Eddie. His eyes were red, making the blue of them turn into a vibrant cobalt.

“I’ve–I’ve been using pills to make myself feel better, Eddie. Th-that’s everything Bobby stood against,” Buck stuttered. The sorrow in his voice went straight to Eddie’s heart. “He probably wouldn’t even be able to look at me. I can hardly look at me anymore.”

Eddie turned his entire body to face Buck’s. Taking a chance, he reached forward and cupped Buck’s face, one hand on each cheek. He waited to speak until Buck’s eyes were looking into his.

“Buck, listen to me,” Eddie said firmly. He needed Buck to hear what he was about to say. He needed this to get through to him. “Bobby would not be disappointed with you. He’d be scared and worried, but he would understand. He would understand you, he would never be disappointed with you, okay?”

Buck let out a weak sob.

“And he would want you to get help, which is what we’re going to do, okay? If he was here, he’d support you every step of the way. You know he’d be your biggest cheerleader. He’d be running the race right alongside you,” Eddie insisted.

Buck inhaled. A choppy, broken breath that caught in his throat.

“I m-miss him, Eddie,” he weeped, shattering apart in front of him. “I miss him so much. I need-I need my dad back.”

“Oh, c’mere.” Eddie pulled Buck into him, wrapping his arms around the man. He pressed a hand to the back of Buck’s head, his forehead dropping to Eddie’s shoulder. “Let it out. I miss him too, baby. Let it all out." This time, he let the term of endearment slip out of his mouth on purpose. 

Eddie’s not sure if Buck had let himself actually feel his grief since that night. This is the first time he’s seen him cry since New Mexico.

A long, long overdue breakdown.

Eddie cried silently, the tears streaming down his face, as Buck sobbed against him. He lost track of time, noting that the sun had finally sunk below the horizon as darkness settled around them.

Eventually, Buck’s sobs calmed down, turning into hiccups, before stopping altogether.

Eddie didn’t let him go. He continued to hold him close.

“We’re going to get through this, Buck,” he whispered into his curls. He pressed his lips to Buck’s head. Not quite a kiss, but almost. “You’re not alone, I’ve got you. You’ve got an entire army behind you, okay? All of us.”

Buck didn’t say anything back for a long time.

When he finally sat up, he looked wrecked. Red-rimmed eyes, dark circles underneath, disheveled hair.

But he looked a little more settled in his skin.

“Sorry,” he muttered. “I–I don’t really know where that came from.”

Eddie shook his head.

“No, don’t apologize,” he insisted. “I think you really needed that, actually.”

Surprisingly, Buck let out a soft laugh. Eddie was delighted to hear it.

“Yeah. I think I did,” he agreed. He yawned so big that his jaw cracked. “It’s exhausting though.”

Eddie smiled.

“Well, after the day we’ve had,” he started, “it might be time to hit the sack.”

Buck nodded his agreement, another yawn making his eyes water.

Slowly, they both rose from their chairs. Eddie gathered the untouched mugs of tea and the plate of food.

“You got the IV?”

Buck nodded, wrapping his hand around the metal pole and wheeling it alongside him as he made his way towards the back door.

“Why don’t you head back and get ready for bed? I’ll clean up the kitchen and come back to unhook your IV when I’m done,” Eddie said, pointing at the nearly empty bag hanging on the stand.

Without a word, Buck disappeared back to his bedroom. Eddie took his time in the kitchen, dumping the cold tea down the drain and putting all the dirty dishes into the dishwasher, giving Buck time to brush his teeth and settle into his bed.

When he’s done in the kitchen, he wanders back to Buck’s room. It’s lit with warm light from the lamp on the bedside table, casting the entire room in a soft glow. Eddie drags his eyes up to Buck’s face. He’s already sleeping. Eddie lets himself watch him for just a second too long, like he’s afraid Buck is going to disappear if he looks away too soon.

Stepping up to the bedside, Eddie removes the IV from Buck’s arm as gently as possible. He doesn’t want to accidentally wake him when he so desperately needs the rest.

After he’s finished with the IV, he gazes down at Buck’s slack face.

An overwhelming feeling of love and protectiveness washes over him, nearly knocking him down to his knees.

“Goodnight Buck,” he whispered, carefully setting his hand on Buck’s cheek, swiping his thumb under his eye. “I hope you have sweet dreams.”

Eddie turns to leave the room, intending to set up on the couch for the night, when he feels fingers close around his wrist. He looks down at his hand before looking up at Buck.

His eyes are barely open, but he grips Eddie’s wrist tight.

“Eds, stay,” he rasped out.

Eddie put his hand over where Buck’s fingers circled his skin.

“Yeah, of course,” he said back quietly. “I’ll be out on the couch if you need anything, okay?”

“No, s-stay here. With me.”

Oh.

Buck wanted to share his bed.

Eddie’s pulse started to beat a little faster under his skin, but the corners of his mouth turned up in a fond smile.

“You sure?”

Buck nodded.

“Please.”

“Okay.”

Buck released his grip on Eddie’s wrist and curled into a ball, turning to face the side of the bed Eddie would be sleeping on.

Eddie excused himself to brush his teeth quickly before padding back into the room and sliding into the bed with Buck.

“Thanks for caring about me so much,” Buck whispered softly into the sheets once Eddie had the covers pulled up to his shoulders.

Thanks for loving me, Eddie heard.

He turned his head towards Buck.

“It’s the easiest thing I’ve ever done, Buck,” he whispered back. He reached out for Buck’s hand, lacing their fingers together. “I’ve got your back, remember? Through everything life throws at us, I’ve always got your back.”

Buck sighed sleepily. He squeezed Eddie’s hand.

“And I’ve got yours.”

Eddie rolled onto his side and slid his arm over Buck’s waist, pulling him close. Buck burrowed in, resting his head on Eddie’s chest.

With the promise of a new day tomorrow and a new journey beginning, Eddie listened to Buck’s breath slow down before evening out into a steady rhythm. Gently, he pressed his lips to Buck’s temple, leaving a soft kiss on his skin.

“Every step of the way,” he whispered before drifting off with the comfort of knowing Buck would still be here in the morning.