Chapter Text
The Thorston twins guide to all there is in Berk, includes directions to famous monuments, accurate historical narratives, recommendations on the best foods to eat, descriptions of local traditions and events, and a to-scale hand-drawn map of the beautiful isle. Also has comments and recommendations from the locals.
Published by Loki & Co Copyright Ruffnut Thorston and Tuffnut Thorston 1013
- Introduction -
Having lived in Berk our entire lives, a substantial nineteen years, we consider ourselves to be in the best position to create a guide for all those lost souls (or ghouls) that have trouble navigating their way through the intricate life of the Island of Berk. Although let’s not kid, the only reason we're publishing this new guide to Berk is because we can't let Snotlout's book take our spotlight in Berk's literary world, so this book is going to be better than our travel guide to the archipelago, focusing in excruciating detail on everything in Berk. And sucks to you Snotlout because you can never beat this!
Apparently, introductions are supposed to outline what we are going to be talking about, but what’s the point in that when you can just flick through the pages and find out for yourself what each chapter is about? It's just plain lazy on your part, because then you might as well not read our book and it's a whole lot of energy on our part that could be spent actually writing the book.
So please go ahead and read our book. We really need to beat Snotlout.
--- Chapter 1 ---
Monuments and places to visit – by Tuffnut
Boar Pit – Obviously your first port of call should always be the absolutely beautiful, and may I add, skilfully created, Thorston Boar Pit. This work of art has been in the Thorston family for decades and is the treasured place for all big boar wrestling competitions (more mentioned about boar wrestling in chapter 4: local traditions and events). The site was picked for its stunning location, next to the cliffs which add the heightened (get it?!) levels of danger that are required, by Thorston law, for all boar wrestling events. The pit was dug by hand by Argnut Thorston, known for the tough skin of his hands that were the perfect replacements for spades, which the Thorstons had been banned from using at the time for reasons that are still debatable. Despite contrary opinion (*cough* us Thorstons*cough*) it was claimed that it was all our own fault because of something Hagnut did (I forgot what exactly, but that's not the point!), so we had to pay the price, which inevitably made digging boar pits more difficult.
( T: Although we all know who was really at fault don't we Ruff?)
( R: Those pesky yaks shouldn't have been there in the first place, they should have known the difference between a boar and yak pit. Honestly.)
Since Argnut dug it, the Boar Pit has been the place of many momentous moments, like our first boar wrestling competition – that was a great day! The Boar Pit is a very popular attraction for locals and visitors a-like. One Phlegma said that it was the most beautiful construction ever made on Berk. And Hiccup said it is the best dangerous thing ever made.
( H: I never said anything like that!)
( T: We were paraphrasing)
( R: And who let you edit our book mr!?)
( H: Your editor)
( R: I knew we shouldn't have let Chicken be our editor Tuffnut! You know how she is when bribed with clouds of corn!)
The Armoury – The next best place to go is obviously the armoury, with all those gorgeous spiky and sharp weapons, glinting dangerously on the racks on the walls, just begging to be used for chaos and mischief *author sighs dreamily*. Yes, you should definitely go there. It’s near the forge, where they make the weapons (not as much now though as before the peace with dragons) and saddles, but there are guards stationed outside the door so you need to be sneaky to get in, but trust me it’s worth it. The best way to get in is to cause a distraction and use the front door, said distraction is usually best performed by an unwitting friend, for example; one time Ruff and I needed a few maces for a little something we were concocting and we asked Snotlout for some help (obviously he was the best choice for the unwitting friend part, the others are too smart to be unwitting, unless you were to give them a solid whack to the head with a mace... *author rubs chin thoughtfully*). Anyway, we basically dared Snotlout to see how many guards he could get on his tail and that seemed to work wonderfully – I mean we got to see Snotlout get chased by angry Vikings with swords and go in the armoury, two for the price of one!
( R: Yeah, that was fun!)
( S: Not for me it wasn't!)
( T: Aww, c'mon Chicken stop letting people edit our book!)
The Docks – I guess if you arrived by boat this was literally your first port of call, so make our first point about the Boar Pit your second, immediately. Whilst many will tell you how important the docks are for boring things like trade and stuff, I can tell you that the docks are the best place to go swimming. The water is shallower so it’s more likely that when jumping into the water from the wooden docks you will break something, which is always an added bonus. It's also good to remember that, despite trade being one of the more boring aspects of the docks, it can present some golden opportunities for those that feel more adventurous, I mean there's all those goods just sitting there waiting to be stolen! Treat yourself and consider it a help-yourself gift shop.
The Dragon Academy (formally the Kill Ring) – This is the place where we train our dragons, it used to be used to train us to kill dragons, nice bit of irony there. It was made at some point a long time ago, maybe even before the Thorston Boar Pit, which is saying something. But as I said we now use it to train our dragons in. The whole thing is carved out of part of a cliff, so all the walls are made of stone, which is annoying if like Ruffnut and I you enjoy blowing things up, but don't worry they haven't sucked all the fun out of the place. Actually because the walls are made of stone, it is one of the few places on Berk where it is allowed, no encouraged, to blow stuff up. Make sure if you do want to go to the Dragon Academy, though, that Hiccup isn't around, otherwise he will try to bore you to death with nonsense like safety regulations.
The Great Hall – Great is a massive understatement. The Great Hall is absolutely gigantic! Built into the rock face on the side of the mountain it is one of the most secure buildings on all of Berk, there is no way someone could break through the massive reinforced doors – trust me, we have tried before. Not only that, it is one of the oldest parts of Berk, with tapestries and carvings dating back hundreds of years – the tapestries are the coolest though, showing all the grizzliest ways to die and great battles (they are perfect for inspiring terrifying dreams, may I add). The Great Hall is a multi-functional space, perfect for grabbing a little something to eat or drink, to meet with friends and family, and to hold mass gatherings, such as, chiefly announcements, celebrations, or a destructive coup (whichever you prefer). As an eating venue it serves traditional wholesome Berkian fare (for more on these foods see chapter 3), and there is no need to book a table (although do beware that Vikings are very possessive and will instigate a fight if one should sit at their favourite table).