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Does it have something to do with the way he was brought up in life?
That certainly would be a logical explanation for this feeling, the one that he’s never properly formulated into words and instead opted to mull over for the last few years now. It’s just part of the reason things always seemed so much more difficult than they really ought to be, right? Simple words were never enough; a sentiment grandfathered into him far too many times.
Maybe that’s why it always felt like “I love you” was a phrase only ushered when things had gone right. Only then did it not sound like an impulsive phrase spewed out in a pathetic attempt to please or pity him.
Because behind every venture to gain that praise meant giving up everything and anything that actually felt like him. I love you only came when he shut up and sat down in his classes, when the days weren’t interrupted by whatever passive impulse grazed his mind. I love you was a smile from his friends when his antics were toned down just enough to make him more palatable. Sometimes, I love you was ushered by his mother when he didn’t rope her into any premature parent teacher conferences. The ones that made him stare out the window while she drove them to some restaurant afterwards to get their minds off of reality, trying to ignore the obvious tears in her eyes.
It felt like more of a transactional phrase than anything heartfelt or genuine. Just another reason people were able to rope one another together, an artificial glue keeping the seams of normality joined in place even when you felt nothing.
“I love you”, they might say, but they never really understand him. Kokichi Ouma was too strange and overwhelming for anything like that. Even if it was hurting him, it hardly mattered; we love you anyway.
He’s never heard something so meaningless in his life.
It was nothing but white noise that only ever made him feel temporarily satisfied at best or uncomfortable in his own tainted skin at worst.
“Gods, Kichi… I love you.”
So… why can you say those same words and it feels like so much more? So different?
Since the day he had met, your words have never made him feel empty or separate. Sure, they’ve certainly hurt in the past when things were rough (as did his own), but you always healed away any wounds tenfold. Even when the injuries weren’t caused by your own tongue, you always did your best to patch him up. To mend any afflictions, lick away the blood, and encourage him to try again another day.
In Kokichi’s mind, you make up for him. And everyone else actually. You and your words are a continuous blessing, and frankly, he doesn’t really know what he's done to deserve them.
“You’re gross.” He murmurs back from where you have him tucked into your chest.
It's unbelievably true. You’ve always been the sheer opposite of him, dressed in a way that conveyed far too much calm when all he wanted to do was rampage. Kokichi thinks that if sunshine had a smell it would belong to you. The strangest blend of grief and joy, bottled into the same glass that held a scent he has only ever identified as yours.
It’s… raw, to say the least. A bleeding gash, exposed and vulnerable and something he still isn’t too sure he knows how to handle. You’re always like this though, as familiar as the heart beating in his chest, a never ending fountain overflowing with genuine emotion. It never mattered if it was good or bad. When you say you love him, Kokichi knows you mean it from the bottom of your heart.
It feels like he could soar forever on that feeling if it allowed. The one he had always deemed too mushy and uncomfortable to touch was suddenly as gentle as feathers against his skin. Maybe you really were some kind of angel in disguise.
His mind only comes back to the moment when your nose presses to his hair, your fingers trailing a comfortable pattern across his back. Right, you’re hugging him in the entrance way of his dormitory. The one that is still a mess and disorganized to hell and back but is the only true home that has ever been one. Except for your dormitory, of course. Anywhere you go feels like home.
There’s no cameras here. No foreign eyes, no judgmental minds, only your arms around him and the steady rhythm of your heartbeat from where his head rested against your chest.
“I love you,” You murmured again, somehow even quieter as you nuzzled your head into his own as if he was a plush pillow. With a huff of what Kokichi could assume was exasperation, you slumped, putting more of your weight onto him. It wouldn’t surprise him if you were exhausted right about now.
“Sorry, I just… y’know-“
“I do know,” He interrupts, taking a moment to clear his throat. Hope’s Peak classes weren’t to be trifled with, even with it came to the supposed easier Ultimates. “You didn’t die, so good job I guess. Even you can do the bare minimum.”
Your shoulders deflate, clearly relieved to be hearing something close to normalcy after his silence. A light grin finds your features as your head ducks to hide into his neck, now mirroring each other. After all this time, he can’t help but feel a little self conscious having you bend down just to be affectionate with him.
“…Crackerjack.” Kokichi eventually murmurs.
His hand came up in a half hearted attempt to push against your shoulder, but the second he does he feels you shove forward, now letting his fingers rest in your hair. A quiet fondness blooms in his chest, even if he would swear up and down that it’s actually just annoyance instead.
He feels endeared by you, everything that you are and ever will be with him. It’s similar to how he feels proclaiming to the others of Hope’s Peak that he does actually have someone there for him. Kokichi loves to point at you and speak far too much to crowds of strangers, to just loop his arm around yours and drag you both down the bustling corridor in a fit of laughter.
Gingerly, his fingers brush the slightest through a few of your locks, feeling a light tinge of pink rest on his cheeks. “I… love you too.”
The silence is almost deafening as you pull back in a rush, eyes wide even if he refuses to meet them at the moment.
“What?” You questioned. “Kokichi, what?” He can hear your voice crack as your fingers tightened around him, the flush on his face now reflecting yours.
“You- what? You just… you-“
Your surprise and clear hesitation sends a rapid wave of embarrassed guilt through the Ultimates chest.
All you ever do is sing his praises and turn your beautiful thoughts into even more embellished words, yet all Kokichi can manage is a pitiful attempt at those three simple words in return. How can a liar like him not do something as simple as echoing what has been laid out in front of him?
Maybe because he knows you deserve better than that of a simple lie. Right now, at the very least… you only deserve the truth, even if that scares him more than anything.
“Come on,” He huffs in response, snapping your clearly jostled thoughts back as he pulls you just the slightest back into the confines of his room, the familiar walls now replacing the open hallway. Your initial surprise lessens into a mixture of uncertain content, soothing his anxious mind just a little.
You’re obviously not disappointed in him like he thought. Of course, you would never ask Kokichi for more than what he was willing to give.
His touch only escapes from you once you’re next to his bed, letting you go completely as he dramatically flopped atop his messy covers. His fingers reach for one of his pillows, even if it was a poor distraction in comparison to the warmth of your skin, before burying his face into the wrinkled case.
For a moment, he contemplates just screaming into the fluff, now internally cringing far too much as his mind replays every interaction he’s had with you that evening.
Were you already looking at him with that far too knowing expression when he opened the door for you? Could you read his mind when you pulled him into that hug? When had his usual wit clouded with far too much fluff and emotion for him to even think straight?
Thinking about you for too long makes Kokichi’s chest squeeze, prompting him to push his face harder into his pillow until he can’t really breathe. The butterflies in his stomach are fluttering so much he wouldn’t be surprised if they just exploded out into a colorful whirlwind at any moment.
His thoughts come to a steady halt as he feels the gentle sensation of fingers resting on the back of his head, feeling the bed below dip down near his hips. It takes everything in Kokichi to not shudder as he feels your nails gingerly scritch at his scalp, to resist the temptation to just curl up and fall asleep. Wouldn’t that be so much easier than whatever this was?
Instead, he raises his head, craning his neck to the side to look for you.
“Crackerjack?”
You hum in acknowledgment, tilting your own head in an attempt to meet him halfway.
“…Could you stop petting me like I’m a damn cat?”
“A cat,” You repeat, amusement now in a tone that was far too fond. The tension eased even if only a fraction.
“You’re a cat now, Kichi?”
“Meow.”
“What-“ You laughed, trailing your hand down instead to rest on his shoulders, pulling on the fabric of his loungewear until he lolled onto his back.
“What is that supposed to mean?” Your eyes are alight with something far too warm and joyful.
Even through his exhaustion, Kokichi feels far too invested in just watching you. Everything you do was somewhat interesting, somewhat of a balm to the ever present burn that was boredom and a lonely heart.
“It means-“ He starts before trailing off, the dripping barbs currently digging into his mind and stomach now suddenly piercing just a few inches deeper.
“Just means I love you.” Kokichi tried again with as much nonchalance as he could muster, as if he was trying to convince you with a blatant lie more than anything.
It doesn’t come out nearly as nicely as he wants. It’s breath filled and tired, his head turning away almost immediately in favor of gazing at the wall. Suddenly, it was far too complicated just to look you in the eyes.
I’m sorry, he’s tempted to say. To add on as some type of cushioning or reassurance rather than dropping the microphone again and running. I’m sorry I’m like this. I’m so sorry that it feels like the end of the world to me saying words that you deserve to hear.
I’m sorry I’m so in love with you that it makes any semblance of that logical, suave Kokichi you know go flying out the window as though it never existed.
“…Kokichi.” Your tone is soft with an almost bittersweet happiness, but there’s also a tinge of quiet sternness that idly reminds him of Kirumi. “What’s going on tonight? You’re not usually so… forced.”
Forced. That word makes him feel ten times worse. You of all people should be able to expect this sort of simple love without feeling like he’s just constraining words to you. It should be normal and sweet and not at all a moment that feels like everything in his life is rapidly changing. He can’t even look you in the face long enough to say it, like a spineless sniveling coward.
“Kokichi.” You try once more when his silence drags on for moments too long.
You lay down on top of the crumpled blankets beside him, making the bed creak as your gaze remained perfectly suited on his.
“You just- said that again. Said that you love me, completely unprompted. Is… there some sort of reason? Are we just feeling kinda sentimental tonight?”
A reason? Kokichi doesn’t even know anymore. Through the mess of thoughts and dwelling on the past, it didn’t feel like there was a certain cataclysm that made everything spiral. Yet, when he finally turns his head and allows his eyes to find yours, the first and honest thought that comes to his head makes him nearly break into sickened tears.
I have to tell you before you find someone else who can.
“I just… think you should know.” He manages, deciding on something that isn’t untrue but certainly not direct.
He watches as your brows furrow, head tilting. “You think I don’t know?”
“…What?”
A far easier grin takes over your features, now pressing your side to his. “Kokichi, do you really think I don’t know how you feel about me?”
His every muscle is frozen in place as he felt the previous tension shatter like ice against concrete. Kokichi opts to groan instead of scream, turning onto his opposite side to give you his back.
“I know you’re obsessed with me, you don’t have to say it.” You giggle.
He makes a dramatic show of throwing the blankets up and over his head, muffling the sound of your laughter as you begin to go after him a few moments later. The cartoony lamp on his beside table flickers off based on the sounds he hears, a quiet vibration of his phone being plugged in following suit. Damn you. Damn you for your thoughtfulness even when he was contemplating between never talking to you again and kissing you so hard you couldn’t breathe.
“…Kokichi?” You ask once you’re settled in behind him, chin resting atop his head with a tired sigh.
“Piss off, go away.”
Another quiet but fond sound leaves your lips, the sound warm but evidently tired as you gingerly rested your arms around his chest.
“I meant it, you know.” You murmur close to his ear. “You don’t have to actually tell me. You show me in so many other ways you don’t even realize.”
“But I-“ He starts far too quickly, barely letting your words finish. “I need you to know. I want you to know.” Kokichi stresses, words full of a heartbreak that was only allowed thanks to your shared exhaustion. Maybe, he thinks, somewhere underneath all the low lighting and quiet atmosphere will these damned emotions finally be shown a modicum of grace.
“And I do know,” You reassure as though it were easy. “You… shouldn’t have to force yourself into this uncomfortable box for my sake. Just because you never really say it doesn’t mean I don’t feel it. I’ve known for months now how you feel.”
Never in his life has Kokichi wanted to argue more. He wants to snap and curse and throw a punch at the wall because he knows you deserve so much more. But before a single iota of bitterness can escape, he feels you shuffle behind him, moving the blankets aside just enough to press a few light kisses to his cheek.
And, well… it just feels like the lid being closed on a candle that has been burning for far too long. His shoulders deflate as you pull back, now pressing your lips to the back of his neck which only makes shrinking into the blankets even easier.
Maybe… just for tonight, he can allow himself to just feel instead of overthinking it. To give into everything warm and soft and eventually tease you in the morning for being so sappy. Everything can be normal then. So, Kokichi turns himself around to curl up into you, allowing his forehead to rest against your collarbone.
“See?” You offer quietly, the wobble in your voice only serving to further ease his nerves. You’re both nervous, uncertain to high heavens about any of this, yet…
You’re together. That’s far more than anyone has ever even attempted with him. It’s enough to finally allow the sleep building in his eyes to take over, making him yawn. The tension in his muscles begins to relax as his face buries into your skin. Funny how the thing that causes him the most chaos brings him the most peace, he muses.
In the foggy midst of sleep ebbing his consciousness away, he hears those faint words. The ones that had never had any meaning until now.
"I love you, Kichi. Goodnight.”