Work Text:
Mickey Milkovich, 23 years old recent got out of jail for attempt of murder (not to mention the person deserved it) living with his bipolar boyfriend in his own house. Mickey's strange behaviour started in jail, sure everyone stayed away from the Milkovich but Mickey sure needed some contact soon, until he isolated himself from everyone including Ian, after a few months Ian started to visit Mickey. Ian noticed the weird behaviour but didn't question it. After Mickey got out of jail Ian had another boyfriend for a while, Mickey felt unbelievable weird and felt like nothing made sense anymore. After a few weeks Ian came back to Mickey bring in us here right now.
Mickey's POV
Some times I felt completely invisible, my body just being numb and my mind on zero. It was just fucked, my feelings were always crashing in as I felt invisible. It was like nobody cared about me, not Mandy and not Ian. A lot of things had me depressed but I never talked about it to anyone. I wasn't weak. I need to be strong for Ian. He needs someone to be there for him and get him when he falls back, but who's gonna be there for me when I fall?
It was 3am, a winter night in the south side of Chicago Illinois. The sky was clear and the air was cold. Yet I was outside with only a tank top on and a pair of sweatpants on. I brought the cigarette I was holding towards my lips again and took a drag. I tipped the ash of the cig and exhaled the smoke. I didn't feel the cold on my arms, I didn't think about the cold, somehow my mind didn't care. Somehow my body didn't care. I sighed deep and suddenly felt two warm arms around me.
"Fuck Mick you're cold." Ian mumbled and kissed my cheek.
"Sorry." I said while Ian got my cigarette and took a drag too. I wanted to feel Ian's warmth and love but somehow I couldn't. There is definitely something wrong with me but I can't figure out what.
"You okay?" Ian asked and I nodded taking the cigarette from him again.
"Fine." I said while exhaling the smoke again. My head was starting to hurt from my own lies.
"Come back inside." Ian said and kissed my cheek once again and left to go inside. The door closes and I lean my arms on the fence and press my hand palms against my forehead. Fuck.
I walk back inside still feeling numb, normally Ian's touch got me all jumpy and shit but lately damn it did nothing to me. Ian will notice soon. I walked back into the bedroom and see Ian is asleep already. I softly touch the side of his face and smile a little. I walked back to the kitchen and smoked a few more cigarettes.
I looked up at the clock and saw it was already 5am. I sighed and made my way towards the bedroom. I got under the covers back towards Ian and fell asleep.
I woke up feeling as shitty as ever. I rolled on my back staring at the ceiling. I know I had to get up for Ian but fuck I would kill for staying in bed right now. I slowly sat up and thoughts are racing through my mind. What if I was dead? Why can't I be dead? Would everyone be better off without me? I can't feel a damn thing. What if I hurt myself? I got my head in my hands and sighed deep. Why was I thinking like this, fucking hell. I stood up and walked towards the kitchen normal face expression, trying to blink the tears away.
"What's for breakfast red head." I said and got the fridge open grabbing a beer. Yes beer in the fucking morning.
"Seriously Mickey?" Ian called out looking at me while I opened the beer can. I cocked up my eyebrow and started drinking the beer. It wasn't making me feel any different just more miserable. I walked towards the dinner table and sat down with my head in my hands. I need to be okay. I need to get my shit together for Ian.
"You okay Mick?" Ian asked while sitting down across me and placing a plate in front of me.
"Yeah yeah, fine." I said and again felt terrible for lying to my boyfriend. He hasn't done anything wrong and yet I'm still lying to him. Fuck.
A few weeks passed and Ian started to notice the little weird things Mickey did, not sleeping, smoking a lot and not wanted to have sex. Ian didn't mind much but he was starting to get worried about Mickey. Last week he came home covered in bruises, Mickey actually didn't talk to Ian anymore, some times just small talks. Mickey was thinking a lot and zoning out.
"Okay I'm done, there's something wrong with you and I'm tired of watching you struggle with whatever you're dealing with." Ian called and I looked up from the living room. I looked right into Ian's bright eyes.
"I'm fine Ian, really." I said lying once again, the last thing I want right now is Ian to find shit out. I've been fighting a lot on the street to feeling something again, just a little kick or whatever but nothing.
"Fuck you Mickey." Ian sighed and turned around.
"Why not do that Gallagher." I commented back, I didn't want him to leave, and besides I wanna make Ian happy. Ian turned back to face me and looked in my eyes.
"You sure you can handle it Mick." Ian joke and I just smiled. I nodded and Ian pushed me back on the couch. He sat down on my lap, moving his hips and kissing my neck. My head was pounding and I didn't even feel needy or whatever. This wasn't gonna work and Ian will notice soon enough. He will think I don't love him anymore and shit will go down.
"I need to tell you something." I whisper and Ian doesn't stop. I softly grab his hips and try to make him stop but it doesn't work.
"Ian please, it's important." I tried to reason.
"More important than sex." Ian said in a low whispering voice. I nodded biting my lip and Ian stopping looking down at me and standing up.
"It isn't what you think Ian." I say and grab his hand but he yanks his hands away. Ian looks away and walks towards the bedroom. It's now or never. I quickly stand up and slip my hands through my hair.
"Ian, I'm depressed." I spoke and saying it out loud made me realise how terrible I felt for keeping it in for so long. Tears start to form in my eyes. Fuck I didn't want Ian to know, he's gonna worry. Ian turns around and just looks at me blank expression.
"How Mickey? Why didn't you tell?" Ian says his eyes growing softer and I sit back down letting the tears fall. I brush my thumb over my under lip and whip away the tears.
"I don't know Ian, I just don't fucking know, it's like I'm not myself anymore, fuck I keep hurting myself to feel something but nothing, I keep thinking about dying, what is wrong with me Ian? I love you yet I feel so fucking horrible." I said while more tears spilled and Ian was holding my hands by now.
"It's okay. Eh you know, they told me to look at the bright things in life, let's get that on a row okay." Ian said and I nodded.
"You, that's all Ian." I said and Ian smiled. Ian kisses me and I didn't know how but I felt something between us, maybe it was a better idea to tell Ian right away.
"Why didn't you tell me." Ian asked while leaning his forehead into mine and his hands rested on the side of my face.
"I felt like bothering you, I needed to be there if you were ever gonna fall back, I need to be strong for you, for us cause I won't manage without you." I said and kissed Ian again.
"You never bother me, your weird behaviour bothered me." Ian laughed and I shook my head smiling. A real smile again after a long time.
Weeks passed and Ian helped Mickey to recover from his depressing mood. They had ups and down but in the end everything went perfect.
It was 4am, a winter night in the south side of Chicago Illinois. The sky was cloudy and the air was cold. Yet I was outside with only a tank top on and a pair of sweatpants on. I brought the cigarette I was holding towards my lips again and took a drag. I tipped the ash of the cig and exhaled the smoke. I sighed deep as the cold bothered me and suddenly felt two warm arms around me.
"Fuck Mick you're cold." Ian mumbled and kissed my cheek.
"It's winter Gallagher what do you expect." I said back and Ian laughed.
"I'm glad you feel better, I missed you." Ian whispered and kissed my neck.
"Was the whole time here you ass." I said and Ian cupped my ass.
"Yes but not quiet there-" Ian says as he grabbed my dick. I laugh and turn around to face Ian.
"Shut up firecrotch." I said and kissed Ian again. This time with passion. I know I was away for a while but I was back in shape now. I softly bit Ian's underlip and pulled his body more against mine.
"I love you." Ian moaned and I laughed. I took a step back and took a drag from my cigarette again. It started snowing as I exhaled the smoke.
"I love you too."