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Chara watches Asriel keenly as he rolls the freshly ground marijuana into a joint. He offered some to them, but they refused. Surprisingly, they feel like staying lucid today.
Asriel feels a little on edge with Chara staring at him like this, you'd think by now that he’d be fully desensitized to Chara’s…well, everything. But it is a little unnerving to have them staring so intensely at him, completely still like a statue carved from stone, their eyes almost unblinking. It's like they're trying to bore a hole into him with their gaze.
Despite this, he manages to roll the joint with minimal fumbling. He reaches his hand over, trying to grab for a pen he knows is nearby, but he doesn’t want to look up and risk locking eyes with Chara, he can’t handle the feeling of them staring into his SOUL today, no thank you.
Without a word, Chara picks up the pen and places it into his reaching hand.
“Thanks...” Asriel murmurs as he packs the joint with it.
Chara hums in response, It seems they're not in the talking mood today. That’s fine, Kris sometimes isn’t in the talking mood either.
He places the pen back on the table haphazardly, and twists shut the end of the joint. He reaches into his pocket to grab his lighter.
It's a cool rainbow lighter Chara got for him. It's fancy and high quality with refills and all, he honestly wanted to reject such an expensive out of nowhere gift from them, but couldn't at their insistence.
Chara didn’t expect him to use it, especially after the fuss he made about receiving it. But they are pleasantly surprised.
Asriel sparks it after a few flicks, the flame lighting the small dimly lit area. The fire flickers beautifully in Asriel’s lovely red ruby eyes, sparking them with a light Chara loves to see. The light bounces off of his long delicate lashes only highlighting how ethereal they look. How he looks. Chara could sit and study him for hours, forever really.
He lights the joint between his fingers, before outing the lighter, plunging the area into dim light again, depriving Chara of the honor of staring into his eyes in their fully lit glory. That’s fine, They see him everyday, they quite literally live with him. They can get their fix another time.
The joint burns for a moment before the flames die out, only leaving behind a strong smelling smoke that stings Chara’s nose, Chara notices Asriel’s nose twitch slightly.
They watch as he slowly rotates the joint, making sure the burn is even. The tip starts to turn red, almost like his eyes and that’s when he deems it ready.
He places it between his lips and inhales deeply for a second of two before exhaling. Chara watches as the smoke leaves his lips, gathering in the air before dispersing. They lean in closer, perhaps wanting a better look.
Asriel feels like an insect under a microscope. Honestly, under this level of scrutiny it almost feels like he’s being judged but…That’s not true is it? Chara wouldn't judge him, Especially not for smoking when it seems they can’t go a day without the sting of whiskey down their throat.
…
…Angel, they're both such messes aren’t they?
Asriel takes another drag, the smoke curls around his maw, thicker, more pigmented now that the burn has really started. He starts to feel a little kick from it now but not much yet.
He leans back on the couch cushions, finally looking up at Chara.
Just as he thought, their gaze is transfixed on him. They immediately catch his eye the first chance they get, boring into him with those black voids they use to see.
Their eyes look so…dead, it's unnerving. The lack of blinking is really selling the corpse look.
Their smile stretches almost unnaturally against their visage, not exactly forced but not at all completely genuine. It's wide but not open and doesn't reach their eyes, it's almost like it's stapled in place.
They smile all the time, always, even in their sleep. It's unnerving but also concerns him. The dark lighting really doesn't help matters. Angel, Chara can look so damn creepy sometimes…
He looks away again, breaking eye contact much to Chara’s dismay, depriving them of the sight of the gorgeous eyes they oh so adore once more.
“Chara…” Asriel calls their name as if he needs to get their attention first before addressing them, as if they haven't been staring at him for the past half hour by this point.
They hum in acknowledgement. They gaze never leaving the side of his face.
“Um..” Asriel is at a loss for words, He wants to tell them to stop, that they're being creepier than usual and it's actually freaking him out, to ask them why they're acting like this today but instead he says…
“So, how were your classes today?”
(Classes? Really? Which college student would want to talk about classes at the end of an already stressful day? Way to go Asriel…) He mentally facepalms at the abysmally generic topic. He honestly should have just said nothing, that would be less embarrassing.
Chara continues to stare silently, for a moment he thinks Chara didn’t hear him but then…
“Business as usual.” They respond but…that’s all they say. Three words and dead air as a period. The conversation dries up just as quickly as it started and Asriel is caught between being relieved and mildly disappointed.
There’s honestly only one other person he knew who could do that so perfectly…
Dess.
The name manifests before he could stop it, the parallels form before he can deny it, the memories, the pain, the fear all hit him at once and he drags in the smoke too quickly, making himself cough and gag on his own vice.
The sudden shift from a calm, quiet and easy going if not a little stilted atmosphere, to aggressive coughing startles Chara, they flinch back from the cacophony of sudden dramatic sensory input before settling again as Asriel regains his bearings.
Silence passes between the two of them.
“I’m okay.” He says, assuring Chara before they even ask. How thoughtful.
They tilt their head at him, their perfectly straight bob falling to one side as they do so, clearly curious, they know his slip up wasn't just a mere mistake. He has definitely smoked enough to know how to do so correctly so they want to know why.
Their head tilt reminds Asriel of a creepy doll he saw in a horror movie once.
“I…It’s just…things…memories. The kind you want to bury so deep no hypnosis or torture could uncover it, you know those kinds right?”
He knows very well that Chara knows what he means, although they haven’t said it, haven’t told him anything. He knows they’ve probably been through something horrible or traumatic, possibly even scarring.
No completely sane well adjusted person looks so dead inside, like they lost all will to live at the ripe old age of 3.
No sane person constantly smiles, especially not like that, especially when their not feeling anything resembling hapiness.
No well adjusted person skips meals in favour of alcohol every chance they get, and they never go light with the drinking either. They always drink like they're trying to forget something, to block something out. To numb themself. They always drink until they knock out cold and then he has to drag them to bed.
It’s…concerning to say the very least. All of it. Everything about them really.
Chara says nothing in response, instead looking down. Finally taking their eyes off of him.
He feels himself relax a bit as the room falls to a semi-comfortable silence, he takes another drag of his joint. Finally they stopped staring at him like that….
Then they stare at him again, and if that wasn’t bad enough the words that leave their lips next most certainly are.
“Is it…about her?” He sees the words form before he processes them. Their voice completely flat as usual. As if they didn’t just shatter his heart all over again. He regrets ever letting them know about her now.
“I...yeah, it is.” He takes another drag, exhaling through his nose this time. The smoke pours out of his nostrils, making him kind of resemble a dragon.
Chara seems fixated on this, as they watch the smoke rise and curl in on itself before disbursing through the room. Their noise twitches from the sting of the smoke hitting it, though after living with Asriel for a few months by this point they have learned to get used to it. They quickly refocus on Asriel however.
“Do you…wish to talk about it?” They tilt their head at him waiting for a response. They don't know why they offered to listen, they highly doubt they could help much, if at all. They're just making him waste his breath on them.
Now it's Asriel’s turn to be silent, he looks at Chara. The void stares back. Their faces have not changed at all, the same empty eyes snuffed out of all spirit, if they ever had any, he almost doubts they did at this point. Their smiles still stretch taught across their faces. Sometimes he wonders if they can even feel anything at all.
But even so, he can tell their trying to help.
“I guess so, it's been a while since I've talked about…her.” He looks down, unable to meet Chara’s gaze any longer. Oh Angel he's pathetic. He can't even say her name. Just referring to someone he grew up with as “her”. Can he really not get over himself long enough to just give her this modicum of respect-
“Asriel.” They say softly, trying to break him out of whatever episode seems to be consuming him currently. They can see it from his posture and how tense he is that he's spiraling again.
Asriel’s ears flick upon hearing his name, Chara has such a weird way of pronouncing it. They like to really emphasize the “Az” part of his name, drawing out the “zee” sound for longer than strictly necessary and pronouncing the “ri” more as “ree”. It was strange, and kind of annoying to him at first. But he got used to it, just like all of Chara’s weird habits (well more like most of them).
He looks up at them.
“Sorry, I…” He sighs, feeling frustrated with himself. “I was supposed to talk about her. Yeah.” He takes another drag of his joint as he builds up his courage, the weed is starting to hit now, making his head feel fuzzy. Chara waits patiently.
“She…December…” He nearly chokes on the word, it feels heavy on his tongue. It makes his throat tight and his chest ache. But he presses on.
“She ment…no, means a lot to me…she was my best friend growing up…”
Chara says nothing, just listening silently.
Another inhale, and another exhale of smoke.
“We did everything together, and caused all kinds of trouble, well it was more her causing the trouble and dragging me into it…” He smiles a little, at the memories. It’s been a long time since he was able to smile about her.
“I remember…when we were teenagers, Dess got her hands on some weed from who knows where. I mean it's not that surprising that she had connections. I mean she is the mayor's daughter afterall…”
Chara nods, maybe in agreement, or maybe to simply show they are listening. Whatever the case Asriel continues.
“Anyways, she rolled it up in some gum wrappers she found around her room, and insisted I try some. I, of course, said no since, well my mom would kill me if she found out but clearly I don’t care about that anymore…”
Chara lets out an amused breath, as if his rebellion is entertaining to them. Maybe it is.
“You know, she would probably have a heart attack if she saw me right now…dyed, shaggy fur, painted claws, heavy eye makeup, band t-shirt…heh, she would probably drag me to church straight away.”
Chara lets out an amused hum, Asriel rolls his eyes.
“But Anyways, I'm getting off track. So, yeah, Dess made some pretty unsafe joints but I didn't exactly know that at the time, and even though I said no at first, she managed to convince me. The first time I tried it was…not fun, to say the least.”
He takes another drag of his joint. As if to contrast the present with the past or maybe Chara is just overthinking it.
“The smell was terrible, I mean, it still is but I wasn’t used to it back then. It made my eyes water and that alone made me want to back out, but I didn’t want her to call me a wuss so I tried it anyway.”
“But wouldn't you giving in cement you as a…as you say, ‘wuss’? Hmm?” They say, leaning forward as they clearly tease him.
They like to do that apparently, Asriel notices how their grin becomes toothy, almost mischievous and their eyes crinkle at the corners. It reminds him a lot of a face Kris would pull after successfully causing some kind of mischief, only more unsettling, it looks more like they got away with murder and is now gloating and less like they make a mild jab at him. It's honestly quite endearing in an odd way.
Asriel scoffs, knowing they're just messing with him.
“Shut up Chara, you know you would have done the same…” He hears them giggle, like they were waiting for his reaction to their botherment before laughing. He likes hearing Chara laugh, even if it’s at his expense. He likes it when they're genuinely amused or happy especially since they seem so hollow all the time.
“Well, I doubt I would as I have a spine, unlike yourself.”
Asriel huffs. “Be quiet Char, anyways, you're making me get off track.”
Chara giggles again and Asriel pretends to be annoyed.
“Yeah, anyways, I obviously almost coughed out a lung on the first drag and of course she laughed at me…she was kind of a prick sometimes, like you.” He directs a pointed look towards Chara, they laugh again. It seems they don't only enjoy making jabs at him, they also like when he pokes back. Asriel will keep this in mind.
“She choked too, so I got my revenge pretty soon after, but yeah after a bit of fumbling we managed to get something going. We had to cover up the vents in her room though, ‘cause if we didn’t the smell would have spread throughout the house and…that wouldn’t be good for either of us.” Asriel shudders to think what would have happened if they got caught back then.
“I can only imagine…” Chara comments, clearly amused at the prospect of Asriel getting in trouble.
Asriel rolls his eyes again, he just knows they're imaging it right now.
“Well, luckily we didn’t get caught and we both got like, really high. Since it was our first time and we kind of didn’t know when to stop, my memories are a little hazy for this part but I remember crying on her shoulder about something stupid…and her being like, really annoyed.”
“Well, you always cry about idiotic things. I do not recall a time where you cried and the reason was not trivial.” They're really laying it on thick with the mockery today. They usually stop at the first comment, maybe they're just in a playful mood right now.
“Yeah, yeah I'm a crybaby whatever Char.” He takes another drag of his joint. He feels more than a little tempted to blow the smoke in Chara’s face this time but refrains.
He hears Chara chuckles, and he rolls his eyes again. Trying to hold back his own little guffaw.
“ANYways. I think I passed out at some point cause I don't really remember much until I woke up later in her bed, she was sleeping on the floor. I'm still wondering how she managed to get me on the bed in the first place, I was basically twice her size…or maybe I wandered on there while I was half asleep? I mean I guess I'll never know now because…” Asriel trails off. Things he doesn't want to remember invades his thoughts. Memories of–
He squeezes his eyes shut and buries his face in his hands. He's breathing heavily. He tries to regulate his breathing to calm himself down. He doesn't want to fall apart like this. He wants to have at least one chance to talk about her without getting choked up like a little kid. He's better than this. It's been years, he's been to therapy he's–
He takes a deep breath in, the smoke in the air hurts his nose, he breaths out. He can feel tears pricking at his eyes.
Is it second hand smoking if it's your own joint?
The silly thought seems to help ground him before he can go into a full panic.
Chara sits around uselessly observing him. They don't know what to do, Asriel's on the verge of a panic attack right in front of them and all they can think to do is twiddle their thumbs in silence.
Should they say something? But what should they even say? How do you even comfort someone?
There there? No. That would sound like their mocking him in the non-playful way.
Maybe…
It will be alright? No, that's stupid and generic. What will be alright?
They're such an idiot, why did they even offer to listen when they knew they couldn't actually help? God, they're so useless.
Chara can feel their heart hammering in their chest, their breathing turning shallow.
This is their fault, they made him cry by bringing her up. Why couldn't they have just kept their mouth shut? Why did they have to ask? Why are they such a horrible person? Asriel has been nothing but nice to them and all they can do is make him upset. Why why why why why-
Through their own spiral they notice Asriel snuff out his joint, pressing the hot ashy end against the glass ash tray and leaving the butt behind in the tray.
They can’t help but wish he’d snuff them out too.
They feel their hands tighten around each other, their blunt nails digging into the back of each hand, hard enough to leave little crescent shaped indents, but they can barely feel it.
They regret cutting their nails.
Asriel wipes his eyes, his eye liner smudging on his hand and around his eye. With how much he cries, he should really invest in something waterproof.
He sniffles, holding back the heaving sobs he really wants to let out. He wants to at least finish the story first.
“S-Sorry…I just…” He sniffles. “It's just…hard to talk about her, sometimes…” Lies. It's never not hard to talk about her. To talk about Dess. To even just think about her. That's why sometimes, he tries to just…forget. But of course he's reminded every year.
He hates Christmas now, because of her. He can't even look at the calendar without tearing up.
He's so pathetic.
He sucks in a breath.
“After that I…never smoked again until…until she went…” He swallows. “Until the incident.”
He takes a shaky breath, tears starting to spring in his eyes again, he doesn't bother to stop it this time.
“Th-They…keep saying she went missing but…” He gets choked up, the words stopping in his throat.
“I…know what happened, she didn’t just go missing. We…we can’t just find her.” The memories come rushing back before he can stop them. He closes his eyes but it only makes the visions stronger. Visions of what exactly? He doesn't quite know himself. Red trees block his view whenever he tries to envision it. All he knows is that what happened that night was not of this world. Something that shouldn’t–no couldn’t happen.
But he knows one thing for sure.
Dess is never coming back.
At least not the same way she left.
He can’t stop it anymore, he feels the feeling of tears stinging his eyes and familiar lines being carved in his fur.
He sobs into his hands like a child. He remembers the nights he spent searching for her. He knew it was hopeless, but he was out there night after night. He barely ate, he only slept when he passed out from exhaustion. He was miserable all the time. He blamed himself for her “dissaperance” he still does. He was even thinking of joining her at some point.
It took years of therapy before he could even get back to something resembling himself.
It took him meeting Chara to remember what being happy feels like.
Yet nothing could replace her.
No matter how much of her he sees in Chara they just can’t fill the void she left.
He’s not entirely sure if he wants them to.
“Asriel.” Chara finally spoke, through Asriel’s hysterics he fails to notice an un-characteristic hint of hesitation, or perhaps even nervousness in their voice.
“I am sorry for your loss, my condolences. She sounded…like an interesting person to know.” Really? That's all they can think to say? He's having a melt down right in front of them, and they can't even tell him something helpful or comforting?
They feel bad that Asriel considers someone like them a friend. He's such a kind, sweet, person he could make far better friends and yet he's trapped himself with them.
Their dragging him down with them, people tend to avoid Asriel when he's around them. He doesn't deserve that, never.
They wonder how long it will take for him to see the kind of person they are so that he'll stop corrupting himself with their presence.
Asriel sniffles, and chokes out through his sobs.
“Yeah, she was…”
…
The room falls into a terse silence, only broken by Asriel’s sobs and sniffles.
“You must…really miss her.” Chara regrets talking the moment the words leave their mouth. Of course he misses her, that's why he's sobbing on their couch. Why are they such an idiot? They should have just kept their mouth shut if they didn't have anything to say, it's the one thing they're good at besides school.
“I…really do.” He responds, miraculously, he isn't sick of their foolishly pointless words of non-comfort yet.
…
The room falls silent again.
Chara starts to get sick of their own inaction.
Clearly, their robust vocabulary is failing them right now, and unless they want to keep sitting here looking foolish after they caused this, then they need to do something other than just waste oxygen.
Chara gets up from the couch adjacent to Asriel, he doesn't seem to notice the movement, too caught up in his own feelings to notice much right now.
They sit next to him on the couch, their meager weight barely making a difference on the couch's surface.
Before they can think better of it, they warp their bony little arms around him.
It's awkward, stiff and hesitant. Their arms barely manage to encompass his large frame but it's a hug.
A pretty bad one, but it's still a hug none the less.
They press their face into his side, maybe to hide their own shame or maybe to comfort themself too.
Who knows, Chara certainly doesn't.
Asriel turns to the side and peaks through his fingers.
He sees a mop of brown hair, and feels Chara’s arms wrapped around him.
He feels Chara’s arms wrapped around him.
Chara’s hugging him.
Chara, the same person who sits on the opposite end of the couch when they watch something together, or sits perfectly adjacent to him when they're sharing a table in the food court, is hugging him.
He's shocked, and feels a little guilty.
Chara made it very clear they like their personal space.
They probably felt pressured to try and comfort him.
Oh Angel, he hopes he isn't making them uncomfortable just because he can't keep his emotions in check.
“Chara you…you don’t have to…”
Chara doesn't say anything, they just tighten their hold on Asriel.
He doesn't know what that means. What any of what Chara does means, not why they stare at him, not why they watch him sleep, none of it makes any sense to him. Nothing about them makes any sense at all and it’s frustrating.
Yet he still wraps his arms around them, hugging them back.
He buries his face in Chara’s shoulder, he’s not crying as hard anymore but he’s still sniffling.
They feel tense, but they don’t pull away. Asriel doesn't move either.
They sit in silence, Asriel rubbing his face in Chara’s shoulder and most definitely smudging his black eyeliner all over their pristine white button up.
“I…I just feel like…I’m going to lose everyone, Chara. I lost Dess…” A hiccup escapes him. “It feels like my friends from back home and I are drifting apart…”
“Even my sibling, Kris. Do you think they're even the same person I left all those months ago? Will I…even be able to relate to them anymore?” It takes all he has not to break down into sobs again. Though a few stray tears slip.
Chara says nothing, what can they say? All they can do is just listen and hope they don’t fall apart before he puts himself back together.
Asriel sucks in a wet breath. What he’s about to ask is selfish. He knows it but he can’t help himself.
He lifts his head and pulls back slightly so they have enough distance to talk comfortably without letting them go, he sees the mess he left on Chara’s shirt. They're going to be so pissed when they realise. He knows they won’t say anything but he knows they’ll at least be annoyed.
He tries to meet their eyes, but they're looking down. Refusing to look at him.
“Chara, can you promise me something…?”
They look up immediately, his eyes meet his and for the first time during his meltdown they get a good look at him.
The thicker hair on his head almost seems to sag on the left side of his face. The black dye at the ends standing out starkly against his pristine white fur.
His droopy, sad looking eyes wet with tears. His sclera is almost as red as his irises–Both from the weed and his excessive crying– His mascara is completely washed away at the base of his lashes, exposing the original white colour and causing an interesting ombre that fades from white to the still black ends. His make up is running down his face in rivets, flattening his fur in every spot his tears managed to touch. The black tears look like rot embedding itself in his skin.
Kind of like they are.
He looks at them with a mix of despair and trepidation but also hope. A fragile desperate hope, but still hope none the less. His mouth curved down into a thin line, his little fangs poking out from his upper jaw.
He looks simply…artistic.
Not even just beautiful in a normal way, like a picture painted by God’s hand himself and plopped down in front of them to admire. It’s like he’s teasing them, mocking them by showing them what heaven looks like while they’re in hell.
…
Misery looks really good on him.
…
They really are a bad person, aren't they?
After a brief pause to swallow, Asriel continues.
“Please…don’t leave me Chara, please stay. Please don’t go. Please…I-I can’t handle losing anyone else. Not you.” His arms tighten around them, fresh tears starting to spring again. It’s a miracle he still even has tears left to cry.
Chara’s breath hitches as Asriel basically squeezes them into his chest. He nearly crushes their lithe body in his strong arms.
Chara doesn't mind. They tighten their arms around him in turn.
They hope he squeezes them so hard he breaks something.
“Please…” He starts to cry silently, not like the deep heaving sobs from earlier. He rests his snout on Chara’s head, pulling them closer.
They go completely stiff and still in his arms, but he’s too caught up in his own desperate need to notice their discomfort.
Chara is completely silent, the lingering smell of cannabis in the air, the smell is strong. Too strong. Everything feels like too much, the clothes on their skin, the arms around Asriel, the arms around them, the fur rubbing against them, his head putting pressure on their body.
They feel that familiar sensation of sickness flow over them, they feel nauseous. Their head hurts and feels light headed all at once. Their heart feels like it's beating entirely too aggressively, like it's trying to forcefully claw its way out of their chest and choke them.
Their body feels pricklily and wrong all over and the prospect of shoving Asriel away and running feels very, very intriguing.
But, It would only make Asriel feel worse, it would make him feel like he did something wrong rather than their own body being faulty.
He doesn't deserve that, besides they knew this would happen and they still hugged him. It's their fault really.
They’ll just have to deal with it and hope that they don’t throw up before he feels better.
Even though their throat fights them, they still try to speak.
“I…would never leave you, Asriel.” They shouldn’t be saying this. They know he’d be better off without them, but they couldn’t bear the thought of saying no to him, especially when looked at them like a kicked puppy, his beautiful eyes simmering in the meager light.
“I will stay with you. Always. Forever if you want me to.” Their fingers press into his back. They feel disgusted with themself, binding themself to him like this. Like a disgusting parasite.
They bury their face in his chest despite it making their skin crawl.
They hear Asriel sniffle.
“Promise?”
Chara swallows, their throat feeling tight. They need to stop before they ruin him completely.
“I promise.” The words crawl out of their throat leaving behind a bitter taste.
They feel disgusted with themself, Yet they still cling on regardless.
This isn’t about them. They're doing this for Asriel, it's not his business if they're uncomfortable. They just want him to feel better, and if letting him hold them like this helps, then they will let him hold them for as long as he needs.
They tighten their arms around him.