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Hongjoong felt like he was about to burst out of his skin. Their performance had just ended and even though he thoroughly enjoyed the stage, he was now walking endlessly through the halls of the venue, trying desperately to calm down. His skin was buzzing, his thoughts were running wild and somewhere in his head there were what felt like ten alarms blaring loudly. To outsiders it probably looked like he was running away but only he knew that what he was actually trying to run away from was his own mind.
The last few weeks had been a lot. They had just finished their comeback promotion schedules and had only about a week after to perfect their stage for the award show today, so he had been running low on sleep and high on stress for quite a while now.
He wasn’t necessarily surprised that he found himself in this situation. He should have even expected it. It still annoyed him. Especially that it was happening now. Why couldn’t his mind just wait until they were back at their dorms? Why did it have to be now, when they were still in a huge venue with tons of other people?
Putting one foot in front of the other, Hongjoong looked around the hallway he ended up in. The bright lights were stinging his eyes and the concrete dust on the industrial floors was tickling his nose. He was so focused on getting away and trying to stay in control, that he didn’t really pay much attention to where he was going. He just knew that he had to get away. He couldn’t be around his members right now. He was supposed to be the strong one, the one that looks out for them, their captain. And even though he knew that they all, especially Seonghwa, would always have an open ear or a warm hug for him, he just needed to get away from everything for a moment. So now here he was.
Hongjoong’s steps gradually slowed to a casual stroll once he felt like he was far enough away from all the people. He hadn’t seen anyone else in quite a while so he assumed this part of the venue was as secluded as it would get.
Or at least that was what he had thought. Just a few seconds later he heard the heavy door at the end of the hall open and fall back closed with a heavy thud. His heart rate picked up and before he could even make a conscious decision, his hands had already grabbed the cold handle of the closest door and yanked it open as he clumsily slipped inside. A moment later the door closed with a soft click. Slowly he turned around to take a look at where he ended up.
The room was dark, the only light coming from the neon green emergency exit sign above his head. Flooding the room in a barely there green sheen. It was extremely dim but enough for him to recognize various clothes and costumes on clothing racks as well as various messy desks full of fabric, sewing machines, tools and patterns.
Apparently he landed in a costume studio.
Still reeling from his emotions and with a heartbeat that was only slowly calming down, he turned on a knob beside the door to turn on the light. If he were more calm right now he would probably be excited about the prospect of being surrounded by so much fabric, patterns and costumes but as it stood, it just served to stress him out even more. He didn’t want to think about anything. He didn't want to feel. Not right now.
An uncontrolled choked up sound made its way past Hongjoong’s lips.
Tired and a little lost, he sat down beside the door, leaned his back against the wall and pulled his legs up to his torso. He locked his arms around his legs and let his head drop down until his forehead rested against his knees.
So there he was. In a secluded room, finally alone and just oh so tired of the unrelenting control he’d held on to.
He finally let go of the grip he held on his emotions. Let the heavy tears fall and even though his body wanted him to scream he just sat there silently, letting the feelings wash over him in the hopes that he could pull himself back together soon. Little tremors shook his body and the pressure in his chest built up and receded in painful waves. Going back and forth between a feeling of emptiness and feeling like he might burst any moment.
Hongjoong didn’t want to feel this way. He hated it. But since he debuted, he had inevitably learned that situations like these were bound to happen if he wasn’t careful enough with managing his energy and surroundings. It always made him feel weird and because he didn’t see any of the other members struggle in a similar way, he had always kept it hidden, trying to manage it alone, only sparingly talking to Seonghwa when he was already feeling better again. It didn't change the fact that in moments like this, he still always felt a longing to not be alone, to have someone that wouldn’t judge, just be with him and understand. He was too scared of the opposite happening though so he didn’t really try. He felt too raw and it felt too dangerous to invite someone into his space when he was like this, when he felt the most vulnerable.
For a while he just sat there.
Hongjoong was so lost in his own thoughts, that he didn’t notice the door opening. He also didn’t notice the man that entered, going straight for one of the costume racks before freezing in place and turning around once he noticed the light was on. His gaze fell onto the small figure that was Hongjoong. Crouched against the wall. Shoulders shaking, tightly curled into himself.
Hongjoong only noticed the man when he felt a careful touch on his shoulder.
His body immediately recoiled and he shifted to the side looking up at the intruder with wide, wet eyes. „Don’t“, was all he said before his face scrunched up again, eyes pressed shut, and new hot tears ran down his cheeks at the white hot surge of shame and anxiety that shot through his body and into every cell of his body.
He thought he was alone, and now there was a stranger that would probably try and talk to him, that would judge him for falling apart like this.
Hongjoong’s thoughts immediately began to spiral, thinking about what he could say to the stranger, to make him believe that everything was okay, that he just needed some time, that he didn’t mean to be somewhere he most likely shouldn’t be. But the more he thought about what to say, the more his throat closed up. Unable to get more than singular words out.
It wasn’t until Hongjoong slowly opened his eyes again, that he noticed not only one but two things about the person now sitting crosslegged a few feet away from him leaning against the same wall.
First: He just sat there, looking at Hongjoong with a thoughtful but calm expression, leaning back, like he came here to do exactly that. And secondly: it wasn’t a stranger that sat there. Or at least not in the traditional sense. Because sitting in front of him was none other than Xu Minghao.
Seeing a fellow artist and a senior to him at that, made Hongjoong’s brain almost short circuit for a moment. How had he not noticed that immediately?
Hongjoong's shock must have been clearly visible on his face because Minghao lifted his hand to push the blond strands that were falling into his face back before he spoke: „It’s all right. Hongjoong, right? Don’t worry, I won't touch you again. Are you okay?“ Minghao's voice was incredibly soft and the melodic lilt wormed its way into Hongjoong's brain, weirdly calming him down a little. It didn’t change the fact that he was still very overwhelmed, not to mention, didn’t know how to act, now that a senior was in front of him. He felt like he should explain, apologize. He *wanted* to answer him but he still couldn’t. His throat still felt like he just swallowed a frog. None of the thoughts swirling in his head were able to escape his lips.
Still, Hongjoong felt his muscles slightly relax while his facial expressions morphed into confusion and more tears continued to run down his cheeks.
Hongjoong lifted his hands off of where they had rested against his legs to rub over his face, fingers running under his eyes to get rid of some of the tears still clinging to his cheeks. Shaking his Head softly to try and get his vocal chords working, he croaked out a slightly hoarse: „Sorry…“ before letting his head fall back down onto his knees.
His vocal chords definitely gave up on him. He just had to hope that Minghao didn’t take it the wrong way.
Hongjoong didn’t exactly know what he would prefer. For Minghao to just do what he came here for and leave again or for him to actually stay. And even though he couldn't stop his mind from overthinking it to the smallest detail, he also knew that right now he wouldn't be able to reach a conclusion.
Minghao wasn't bothered at all. He had his own fair share of problems in his career and there was a good reason as to why he was almost famous for being an idol that meditates. He knew how overwhelming emotions could get and he also knew that sometimes you just had to sit them out.
So even if he didn't fully understand what was going on in Hongjoong's mind, his time living with twelve other men while under high stress really helped him to understand how to be there without being overbearing.
And because of that he just sat there in a comfortable distance from the other.
“Don’t worry, it’s alright, take all the time you need, yes? Just let me know if at some point you’d like to talk or need a hug or some water. I'm going to stay here with you and just talk a little bit so you’re not alone. Is that okay?”
He shortly took out his phone to text one of his members that it would take a bit longer until he'd be back and that there's no reason to worry, slipped it back into his jeans pocket and after he saw the slight nod of Hongjoong's head, confirmation that he had heard Hao, he started talking.
About random things. Their stage, funny stories from practice, how he had recently burned his food while cooking because he got distracted by Soonyoung dancing to Ring Ding Dong and almost knocking down the glasses on the couch table, whatever crossed his mind.
And even though in the beginning Hongjoong's shoulders still shook and sniffles interrupted Hao’s monologue every now and then, the younger eventually quieted down as he focused on Minghao's words that continuously washed over him, loosening the tension he held in his body bit by bit. Slowly but steadily his thoughts quieted and with it, the pressure in his chest subsided and the shaking in his limbs died down
With the tension leaving his body and the tiredness settling deep into his bones like it always did after crying, the almost overwhelming wish for physical touch came up. For someone to just hold him.
It made him a bit unsure because even if Minghao offered it to him, he felt weird about it. Physical touch was not something Hongjoong did often and especially not easily because it required him to trust and he didn't have a lot of that. The line between touch being just right and being too much was also really thin, so to be on the safe side, Hongjoong tended to avoid it all together.
He slowly lifted his head back up to exploringly look at Minghao, who was still talking but stopped for a second, once he saw Hongjoong’s wet eyes look into his. “Hi, there, welcome back” he said with a gentle smile tugging at his lips.
Minghao didn’t know why but seeing Hongjoong like this, teary eyed and seemingly even smaller than he already was, was so terribly endearing to him.
They looked at each other for a moment before Hongjoong decided to just fuck the doubts. He pointed at Minghao's legs with a finger whilst tilting his head, hoping it would be enough for the other to understand that he’d like to lean into him, even if his voice still wasn't cooperating.
There was a short flicker of surprise in Minghao's eyes but it was gone just as fast as it came and had Hongjoong not stared this intently he would have probably missed it. Nevertheless Minghao just nodded and lifted up his arms to give Hongjoong some more space to place his head on Minghao's left leg, effectively planting himself comfortably in the other man's lap.
Minghao was hit with a wave of warmth rolling through his chest at the trust the younger seemed to have towards him. Hongjoong was now facing away from him, slightly curled in on his side with one hand loosely on Minghao's leg just above his knee.
Not really knowing where he should put his own left arm now, Minghao awkwardly tried to find a place to settle until Hongjoong’s small voice made him halt his movement altogether. “You can place your hand on my shoulder… if you want” it was so very quiet and strained but Minghao heard it loud and clear in the silent studio.
A little bit flustered, Minghao placed his hand on Hongjoong’s shoulder and in the following quiet his thumb started rubbing small circles into the skin peaking from under the shirt Hongjoong was wearing, as if on autopilot.
Hongjoong's skin was so soft and warm under Minghao's fingertips. Hao was lost in thoughts at the development of this as he felt a shudder that shook through the smaller man at the touch.
Hongjoong basically melted into the floor and for a few minutes he let himself enjoy the touch. Let himself get lost in the feeling of careful fingers on his shoulders and a warm thigh under his hand and as soon as he felt the touch becoming too much, he carefully pulled back to avoid being overwhelmed again.
Hongjoong slowly sat back up, pushing his hair back with an apologetic look on his face. He cleared his throat and with a still slightly shaky voice, said: “Thanks for helping me… I… usually just try to keep to myself. I think I'm good now… or at least as good as it’s going to get while still here. And… I should probably head back to my members so they don’t worry too much. And you should probably get going too, right? I mean you probably came here for a reason…”
Hongjoong was rambling, he knew that but he was also still feeling very raw and vulnerable and now that his head was a bit clearer, he felt bad for taking up another artist's time like that.
“Don’t worry, Hongjoong, I wanted to help. It's alright. I was coming here to pick up some of our costume pieces that we ended up not using for the show after all.” Minghao answered, gesturing with his head towards a clothing rack with beautifully tailored pieces.
Hongjoong followed Minghao's gaze and stared at the pieces while sorting what he was going to say next. His brain still took a while longer to form the sentences to Hongjoong’s liking. “Oh, that… makes a lot of sense. In that case, let me help you carry them back, yes? It would make me feel much better about occupying your time if I can give something back. And we have to go back in the same direction anyway, so…”
Minghao watched how Hongjoong got up slowly and turned around, still waiting for the elders' answer. He decided that there was no reason for him to decline. If it made Hongjoong feel better to help a little as well, then he’d take that gladly. So he nodded his head and got up as well.
They divided the clothing bags onto both their arms before turning off the light and leaving the room behind again. Hongjoong was still squinting his eyes after getting back underneath the fluorescent lighting of the venue but he didn’t immediately feel like exploding anymore and that was good enough until he could go and rest at his dorm.
They both stayed mostly silent while walking back, right up until they stood in front of Seventeen's backstage door. “Thanks again for your help, get home safe, yes?” Hongjoong didn't really know what else to say, so he pressed the garments into Hao's hands and with a wave turned around to walk towards his own group's changing rooms. “Mhm, don’t worry about it. You too and make sure you rest enough.” Minghao answered as a small smile pulled at his lips and he opened the door. They both slipped back into their own rooms full of the chaos that were their members.