Chapter Text
Max
Hopper's face was a blue and purple mess. His eyes puffy under the thick white head bandage that wrapped around his skull. His lips pale, skin broken and shaking as he beathed out in slow jagged breaths. Max could feel her own breath in her chest, leaving in anxious whisps as she held onto El's hand. Tight.
A part of her was jealous. A terrible, selfish, cruel part of her that hated how Eleven was able to have Hopper still. And all she had were painful memories. She hated herself for thinking these things, and hated herself even more for the other thoughts she had. That maybe she was grateful that Billy was dead. That maybe the hollowness in her chest wasn't sorrow but rather relief. Max swallowed thickly through the guilt. It was like a wave that surrounded her, thick fog that choked her every day and every second. Every. Single. Second.
Max inhaled the hospital's clammy air. Steading herself. She would have preferred to feel the cool of the breeze outside. The freedom of the woods near her new trailer home. The quiet branches and non-judgemental leaves that were just about the only good thing in her life. That and El.
She looked to the girl next to her. Her doe-eyes wet with tears. Her lip quivering, hand clutching Max's own like a life-line. It took everything in Max to not wrap her arms around her and lead her out the room. Away from the pain that lay in front of her. But that would be pointless. Really. Max knew that you could never really run from pain.
"You don't have to do this." Max said instead. Her voice shaking, her usual fiery tone melted to a sad monotone drag.
El did not reply with words, but Max knew perfectly well that it did not mean silence. Even with all the new words Hopper had taught her, El was still quiet. Still selective. Still able to say much more with just her round brown eyes than with any string of words. Now, she moved forward, closer to Hopper. A clear message. She was staying.
El grabbed one of Hopper's plaster-cast arms with such gentle care that she seemed to barely touch it. Her fingers trailed over the white fabric that was wrapped around and around. Her gaze flickered to the other arm, dropping to his wrist. El retreated her hand and her eyes landed on her own wrist. Where her blue hair-band wrapped around it.
"Is he safe?"
Max blinked. Moving away from the pool of guilt and worthlessness that she had been drowning in to look at the other girl's eyes. Safe? Was that what she meant to say or was she using the word as a placeholder. Unaware that another word fit it better.
"Safe?"
"Yes. Is he...not in pain?"
Ah. Max understood now. And the question burned at her skull. Was Hopper in pain? He had to be. But then again they gave him drugs. Max's gaze flickered to the side of the bed where an IV drip fed into his arm, on one of the small patches of skin that wasn't covered in thick plaster. But did the drugs really mean he wasn't in pain? He had been flung into the air by the explosion. Burned in places from whatever cruel fuel they used for their gate-making-monstrosity. Bones had snapped. Muscles had twisted. Skin had bruised. Shrapnel had pierced, a wound in his abdomen and another on his shoulder. They said it was millimeters away from his axial artery. Millimeters away from death.
"He's not in pain." Max said, praying to things she didn't believe in that her words were not a lie. "They gave him drugs. So he wont feel it. He's safe, El."
El nodded. Her face dropped, shoulder's hunched. Max knew something was wrong. But she had just told her Hopper was okay? So what was it?
"El? What's wrong."
"They gave me drugs, too." She said quietly.
Max felt like her lungs had been punctured. All the air left her body in a quiet gasp and she was left frozen and numb. El never talked about the lab. Never.
"It made me feel...strange."
Max let out a shaking breath and squeezed El's hand. Unsure of what she should say.
"Will he feel...strange?"
Max blinked, then looked to those beautiful brown eyes.
"N-No. I don't think so. The drugs they gave you were probably...different."
Max tried not to think about what drugs they were. She knew that they had given her mother LSD. But they wouldn't give that to a child. Surely. But, had they ever seen El as a child? Or even as a human? They probably just jabbed her with Haldol if she was trying to actually act like one.
The thought made her sick.
"Oh..." El looked to her, eyes wide. "I forgot something I was going to bring. A book." She said.
Max stuttered at the change of topic. How had El just moved on from that? Although, for her she supposed that was just...life. Max felt anger rise up within her but she held it down. El did not need that right now.
"Did you leave it in the car? I can go and get it for you?" Max offered.
"No. I will." Eleven said with clarity.
Max didn't answer. She didn't know how to. Was she supposed to encourage her not to? To show her that she could rely on others for things too? Or would this help her? Was this a reason for El to leave the room, the terrible sight of Hopper reduced to bruises and plaster?
El gave Max's hand a squeeze and Max felt a flood of guilt. She should be the one giving her support. Not the other way around.
"I will find it." El said with confidence.
Max nodded numbly, watching as she left for the door, leaving her with the silence of beeping machines.
The guilt swarmed in her gut again, thick and heavy, weighing her down. She was stupid, she was a terrible friend. She hadn't comforted El, she had failed. She was a terrible person, and a terrible sister, and she had killed her brother. She had killed her brother, she had let him be dragged into this mess. She let him hurt Billy. She let him hurt her. She let Billy hurt her. A cycle, endless and endless. But now she had ended it. She had killed her brother and she felt relieved. And that relief was eating her from the inside. How dare she? How dare she not care? How dare she feel glad his fists and his words would never hurt her again? She was horrible, stupid, horrible, stupid, horrible, stupid, horri--
"Red..."
Max gasped. She practically shot in the air. Her neck craned as she turned to face the sound behind her. A rasping, scratching, weak voice that had come from none other than Jim Hopper himself.
"El!" She blurted out. She had to get El. There was no way she was going to add stealing Hop's first waking moment from El to her list of sins. "EL! HOPPER'S AWAKE."
No response.
"EL!!"
"Max..."
"ELL!!!"
"MAX!" Hopper began to cough as his rasping voice struggled with the volume.
Max turned to face him. The guilt seething through her guts and her skin. It shouldn't be her talking to Hopper, it should be Eleven. And it would have been El if she hadn't been so stupid as to let her go. Stupid, Horrible, Stupid.
"I'm glad you're here." Hopper said, each word slow, quieter than what it should have been. "We have things to discuss."
"What things?" Max asked with caution, slowly moving closer to the bed, her fingers trailing along the metal frame of it. The coolness grounded her for the moment.
"I need you to look after El."
Max frowned.
"Joyce is, and Will and Johnathon. And Mike too, I guess, but I know neither of us are his superfans but..." Max trailed off.
Hopper laughed faintly. The action clearly causing him pain. Max found herself wincing on his behalf as the laugh turned to a cough that sounded like death rattling its bone's together.
"That little shit is...He doesn't like her anymore." Hopper said with a grimace.
"I mean, yeah they broke up. But I thought El just needed space..."
"Max...Mike was the one who broke up with her."
"WHAT!?" Max's jaw dropped. Of all the things. Mike decided to break up with El now. Now?! Couldn't it have waited until Hopper was at least out of hospital? Couldn't it have waited until El had accepted that...
Accepted that she no longer had powers.
Max froze. A sinister thought creeping into her head. Did Mike dump her because she lost her powers? Surely not. Mike wasn't that bad. Right? But then again, he was always calling her his superhero. Which Max always found weird. She found their whole relationship weird. Eleven had only just learnt what 'friend' meant and he thought she was ready to consent to a relationship? But maybe Max shouldn't judge him. He was only a kid at the time. But so was El...
"I don't know what's going on with him. He's being weird. hanging out with Will a lot. Doesn't matter." Hopper coughed again. "I need you to look after her, Max."
Max looked at him. Half expecting him to be suppressing a laugh. Some sign that this was a joke. But there was nothing. He was being dead serious (Okay, stop saying 'dead' when it concerns a man who did almost actually die, Max!)
Was Hopper really trusting her with El? He didn't trust anyone with his daughter!! Yet he was asking Max to look after her?
"Just make sure she's not alone. She doesn't have any other girls her age and for what its worth you...well, you. Um, you..." Hopper gave a disgruntled sigh. "You're not a half-bad friend to her. Okay. So just...do the friendship shit. Maybe invite her for a sleepover, read her some of those dumb comic books just...be there for her."
Max nodded. She could do that. She would do that and more, so much more, for El.
"Wonder Woman is not dumb. She's a badass and is awesome. But yeah. I can do that. I promise. I'll look after her."
"Promise?" Hopper's eyes met her own with intensity. A fierce protectiveness that burned even with his body bed-bound. He may not be prefect, but Max respected his willingness. To teach El, to love her, to protect her. It was much more that Max's dad or stepdad had ever done for her.
"I promise." Max nodded with determination.
El/Jane
El clutched the battered book close to her chest. Her arms wrapped around it like a shield. Her gaze down towards the floor as she moved silently down the corridor. She hated hospitals.
Hated. Hated. Hated them. The white walls and white lights and long, empty corridors...it was all too similar. Too much like the lab.
El's heart raced as she tried to moved as fast as she could. Trying not to think too much about how many other corridors like this she had walked down. How the white walls seemed to be closing in on her. Suffocating her. El breathed out through her mouth slowly. A technique Hopper had taught her. Breathe. In. Out. In. Out.
El felt marginally better, but her hands still shook as she pushed open the door. Number one-three-seven. Seventeen? Three seventeen? Hundred Seventeen? El sighed with frustration as she forgot how she was supposed to say the numbers. Her fingers trailed the spine of her book. The texture of the papers was rough and soothing to El's thoughts.
But what soothed her more was Max.
El gave a smile to the red-haired girl as she entered the room. She smiled back, but El could tell that the other girl was sad. El understood. She was sad too. They had both lost something in that Mall. Max: her brother. El...her identity.
Because without her powers who was she? Really?
El didn't know. Except for one thing. She was Hopper's daughter. And she was Max's friend. And even without her powers she was still important to them. They never saw her as a superhero, not like Mike had. Just a daughter. Just a friend. A totally bitchin' friend as Max had once said. El was still happy about that compliment.
El let her grip on the book loosen as she moved closer to Hopper. Feeling the familiar warmth as she moved closer. Safe. Home. Protected.
And with Max, there was warmth too. Friend. But El knew that the warmth was different to what she felt with other friends. Maybe that was because Max was a girl? Maybe a boy friend and a girl friend felt different? But Nancy was a friend also, and El did not feel that warmth for her.
El pushed her thoughts aside. She could ask someone about that later. She knew there where still many things she did not understand, but someone else would.
"El, hey." Max said to her softly. El looked to her, making sure to look at her eyes as that was what people where supposed to do. And anyway, Max's eyes where very nice to look at.
"Hi."
"Hopper's um...he spoke. Briefly. I tried to call you but I think you had left the hospital or something. I'm sorry." Max looked sad.
El frowned. She did not like it when Max looked sad.
"Why are you sorry?"
"Well, it should have been you to hear him when he woke up, and instead it was me. So, I guess I feel kind of shitty about that..."
"It is okay. Max." El could tell that the red-haired girl was feeling 'low' again. Steve had explained it to her. That sometimes people felt guilty and bad about themselves. And sometimes they felt like they were being a bad person. He called it shame. El wished Max did not feel shame. She had no reason too. Not when she was amazing in every way.
"Is he...awake now?" El asked
"I don't know...um, Hop?" She asked the sleeping man. "Hop? El's here. Oi! Wake up!"
Hopper did not wake and for a moment El was scared, before she remembered what Max had said. He was just sleeping and he was not in pain. That was okay. As long as he was safe, El was okay.
El sat at the edge of the bed, her hand reached out to stroke one of Hopper's hands. Bruises lined his fingers and El could have sworn that she could feel the pain herself, on her own fingers. She found the blue hairband on her wrist and looped it around four of his fingers. There. Now they were together. And Sara too. Both of his daughters were here with him.
El then freed the book from where it had been held in the crook of her arm. Struggling slightly to open it now that she only had one arm. Wordlessly, she saw an arm reach from over her shoulder. Max's pale hand opened the book cover, gently handling the worn pages. El smiled. A lock of Max's ginger hair fell over El's shoulder as the girl moved closer and El had a sudden urge to run her fingers through it. To feel the red waves through her own hands.
That was odd. El hadn't felt like she wanted to do that with anyone else before.
El ignored it for now. Another question to ask someone. She looked down to the page. It was a children's book. One of the first ones that Hopper had given her to learn how to read. The words were big, the pages old, a smell of must clung to it from where it had lived, hidden in the bookcase at the cabin long before they had made it their home. Snow White was written in cursive words across the bottom. On the first page, a printed picture of a girl looked back to her. She was pretty. With short hair, like El's, and big, round eyes, also like El's. She lived in the wood, like El. And she was hiding from bad people. Also like El.
El had always liked the story. Hopper maybe not so much, but he had liked to read it to her just the same. He was a good dad like that. El did not have much to compare him too, but she knew from the TV and from Will that a good dad would always care about what their kid cared about. And they would want to do things that made their kid happy. Hop did that. Hop was a good person. And he was hurt. Why did good people always end up hurt?
El took in a breath and began to read. She began unsure, talking slowly so that she could get the words right.
"Who is the fairest of them all? The Queen asked the mirror." El felt her confidence rise slightly.
"Why, Snow White, the young lady is the fairest of any and all!"
El paused. She looked to the page. There was a word she did not recognize. Should she skip it? Or maybe...
El looked around, and found Max, in a seat by the wall. El instantly wished she was closer.
"Max, can you read this word?" She asked quietly.
Max looked up, her ginger hair bounced as she moved. It was just soooo long, and wavy and El didn't know whether she wanted to steal it from her head or run her fingers through it.
Max moved next to her. Hesitant. El tapped her hand on the space on the bed next to her. Max instantly sat down, her warmth spreading to El. That different warmth again. The one that confused her. But she liked it. It was...pleasant. Not just safe like Hop was, although she definitely did feel safe with Max. But there was something strong and sweet and almost dizzy about it too.
"Which word?" Max asked her. "You were reading it really nicely, by the way."
El smiled. She liked it when Max complimented her. She always gave her compliments of things El was really proud of. Like when her hair looked pretty, or when she dressed herself, or when she said something smart.
"Thank you." El said, and for some reason, the distance between them seemed...very close. She was suddenly very aware of how close Max was to her. And she did not mind. If anything, it made the warm feeling burn much louder that it had been.
Strange.
El looked back to the book, she pointed to the word and soon Max was leaning close to her. To read it. Her hair brushed on El's shoulder. Her arm touched El's arm. El froze as Max's fingers brushed past her own.
"What absurdity!" Max read, her face and voice expressive.
"Ab-sur-dit-y?" El asked.
Max's eyes looked to El's own. They really were very close.
"Yeah, it means um...it means like nonsense. Like, that's crazy!" Max's voice was all jumpy and her cheeks were pink.
"Non-sense. Crazy." El repeated.
Max nodded. "Yeah, the queen is jealous and doesn't believe that Snow White is pretty."
"Is she?" El asked.
Max blinked and if they were any closer El might have felt her eyelashes on her cheek.
"Yes." Max said softly. "She is very pretty."
El felt her heart flutter. But not in the scary way. In a different, delicate way. She wondered if she was maybe ill?
Sometimes, El heard people say that in some moments it could feel like time moved slower than usual. She found the concept very confusing, and she never understood it. Until now. Because now time was moving very, very slowly.
Max looked to El.
El looked to Max.
And time dragged the seconds on to a moment. A moment El did not want to end.
A grunt sounded from their left.
Max seemed to jump, as if she had be electrocuted. Her cheeks turned even more pink, making her freckles harder to see. She moved away from El, which made El sad, but the sound of a grumpy voice from next to her soon distracted her.
"Dad?" El looked down to see that Hopper's eyes were awake. She looked back to Max to find the girl staring at the floor very intensely. Which was odd. There wasn't anything interesting on the floor.
"Jane. Good to see ya kid." He grinned.
El smiled and squeezed his hand. Sara's hair-tie still wrapped around both of them.
She looked back to Max, to find that she had moved away from the bed and towards the door. Their eyes met and Max turned pink again.
"I should um...leave you guys to it. Father-daughter bonding and all that shit right?"
El wanted to say no. She wanted the other girl to be close. As close as she was before. She wanted the other girl to compliment her again. To call her pretty, not some stupid princess.
But that didn't happen because soon Max and her wild red hair were out the door. Gone.
Max
The air was warm outside the hospital. A faint breeze on Max's skin and the sound of sprinklers on the lawn could have tricked her into thinking they were still in the height of summer, but the days had dragged on and soon, it would be September. School, Fall on the horizon, her first year in high school. A high school without her brother alongside her. A high school in a town that she now knew was far more sinister than she had ever imagined. A high school with the strangest, but most amazing girl she had ever met. Would they have classes together? Share a lunch period? Go to a club together?
"Hi." Came a voice from beside her. And there she was. El. With her hair almost reaching her shoulders. With her big, brown eyes and shy smile and pretty, round nose and--
"Hey. How was it?"
"Hop is good. We talked." El said simply.
Max nodded, not asking what they talked about. If El wanted to tell her, then she would. That was one of the best things about talking to her, she didn't play all the confusing bullshit social rules like everyone else did. She said what she thought. And if she didn't mention things, it was because it wasn't any of Max's business. And she was fine with that.
"That's good, El." Max smiled to the other girl. "Hey I was wondering if you want to go somewhere? Maybe a diner, it's lunch most of the others are fixing up the cabin so all they probably have is sandwiches."
Max looked to the other girl to she what she would say. She had thought of the idea when she was waiting for El. She had told Hopper she would look out for her so she would. And if getting her an actually tasty lunch was a part of that then Max would do it in a heartbeat. She would do a lot of things in a heartbeat for El. But she didn't need to know that, not just yet. Maybe not ever.
The sun seemed to shine just for El as her face broke out into a smile. The golden rays framing her hair, the hair she was so damn proud of as she nodded her head.
"Yes please."
Max grinned back because how could she not? How could she not feel a swoop of butterflies in her stomach at the realization that she had made El smile so brightly?
"Okay then, there's a really cool place not to far from here, we could walk, or get the bus. Whichever you prefer?"
"Walk." El said simply.
"Walk it is then." Max grinned, holding out a hand for El.
El took it gently. her touch was always gentle and it made Max's skin tingle with something hot and sweet. Don't think about that, don't think about that, don't think about that, don't think about that--
"Max?"
Max turned to face her, walking slowly as she did, their arms still connected.
"Yeah?"
"Do you...how...How did you know that you wanted to be called Max. Not Maxine?"
Max thought for a moment. There were various reasons really. It sounded cooler. It suited her more. But the main one was the one she ended up speaking into the space between them.
"My dad called me Maxine. And he was shit. And I guess I just...every time someone used 'Maxine' it reminded me of him. Of the divorce. Of my shitty family. And I guess...I guess sometimes names have to much pain around them. So it had to go. So I could be me."
El stopped walking. Her eyes widened and she looked to her in that slightly disconcerting way she did, looking right into Max's eyes.
"I think Eleven is like that."
Max nodded. "It has too much pain?"
"Yes."
"What about...what about El?" Max asked. She knew that Mike had given her the name, which she found slightly weird, but until now she never seemed to dislike it. But Max knew that El could find it hard to have her own opinion on things sometimes, because of the way she was raised. It was like she needed permission first before she said her mind about something. And Max had decided way back at their shopping spree that she would make it her personal mission to show El that she can like and dislike whatever she wants.
"It's not pain. But...It is Mike's."
Max took a moment to understand what she was saying. "So, because Mike gave you the name...does it feel less like you?"
EL nodded.
"You chose Max. I did not choose El."
"Okay, so, what name do you want? It can be anything."
El thought for a moment. "...I like Jane. Mama gave me that name."
"Does it feel like you?"
"...I don't know."
"That's okay. You can think about it. It took me a while to settle on Max. For a while, I was debating on using my middle name, but then I realized that Max felt more like me. And, if you do choose a name, you can always change it. Don't keep it if it feels wrong."
El nodded slowly
"Should I call you Jane? So you can see if you like it?"
"Yes."
"Okay, Jane." Max said with a smile, and Jane smiled back and again, Max felt herself light up inside. "Does that...help?" Max asked.
"Yes. Thank you, Max."
Jane looped her hand through Max and they walked, and Max tried very, very hard to ignore the sweet, warm feeling that swum through her...
Jane
"One double waffle with cream and strawberries, and one bacon batty with a salad side! Enjoy your meal girls!"
Max said a polite thank you and Jane copied. She had not been to many diners, but the group had gone to one after the Mall fight to 'restock their fuel', as Dustin had said. Jane did not eat much then, she was still seeing the image of Hopper in an ambulance, blood on his shirt, arms bent at unnatural angles.
But today, she felt better. Much better. Hopper was awake, and acting like Hopper. He asked about twenty times if Jane had been hurt (only slightly) he asked if the party was okay (yes, except for Max being sad) He asked if Mike 'the arsehole' Wheeler had checked up on her (No, he hadn't.) And then, he asked about Max. A lot of questions about Max.
Jane found this diner to be much more colorful than the one she had been in before. The seats were pink, the walls a blue-y green color that Jane was sure had a name but she couldn't remember. The table was patterned with light orange and yellow tiles. Even her food was colorful, with bright red strawberries and pink sauce and multicolored sprinkles on the whipped cream. It was a different world to the hospital, and Jane liked it.
"So..."Max said after taking a gulp of her smoothie. Hers was green and lemon flavored whilst Jane's was mango and a happy yellow color. "How are you feeling, Jane."
Jane thought. She found it hard to know what she was feeling. She could understand what felt good, and what felt bad, but she did not know the name for many emotions. She understood happy, sad, hurt, angry, tired, scared, safe, but none of those seemed to fit what she was feeling right now. A bit sad, about Hopper, maybe angry too. Hop said that you can feel many emotions at once and Jane decided that must be what she was feeling now. Many emotions. Sad, angry, happy, safe, and something else. Warm. light. Calm.
"Good and bad." She said.
"Okay, what are the bad bits and what are the good bits?"
"Bad bits are Hopper, Billy, Mike." She began. "Good bits are you." Jane said. "You make me happy. And Waffles." She added, looking down to her plate.
Max was quiet and when Jane looked at her it looked like her eyes were wet. Was she sad?
"Max? Are you okay?"
"What? Um, yeah I just...you make me happy too, Jane."
Jane felt her happiness grow, the warm feeling with it. Somehow, knowing that she made Max happy felt important to her.
"And you? Do you feel good and bad too?"
Max took a bite of her bacon and looked out the window. Jane took a bite of her waffles and followed Max's gaze. The sun was shining outside, making the cars parked on the tarmac do that glowing thing that Jane found confusing. A line of trees sat opposite the road. They reminded Jane of the ones outside her window. They made her feel safe.
"I mean. Yeah, I do feel good and bad."
"Which are the good bits?" Jane asked, copying Max.
"Good bits are...you. The fact Hopper woke up. Eddie, he's my neighbor. The new album I got. And being here. Its nice." Max smiled.
"And bad?"
"Well...Billy. But also..."
"What?"
"Nah its...its stupid."
Jane frowned and looked to the red-haired girl. Her eyes had dropped to the table again and her shoulders drooped down too. Shame. Was Max feeling shame again?
"Not stupid." Jane said, trying to put force into her words. "I won't judge. I will understand. We are friends."
Max's looked up to see her and Jane felt her happiness drop as she saw how sad Max's eyes looked. She wanted to hug her, or hold her hand. To tell her that it would be okay.
"I just...God. I'm...glad. That he's dead." Max's lip quivered. "There. I said it. I'm a horrible person. It's okay if you hate me now I know I should--"
"Max." Jane reached across the table. Gently, she grabbed the other girl's hand and held it in her own. "You are not bad. I have met bad people. You are not bad."
"I know but he was my brother, Jane! And his dad was SUCH an arsehole to him, and he was hurting, and he...he died. And I feel...relieved."
"He hurt you."
"Yeah, but only cause his dad did!"
Jane shook her head.
"Papa hurt me. But I do not like to hurt others." Jane said softly, holding on to Max's hand a little tighter. "One day..." Jane took in a breath. She did not like talking about the lab but if it would help Max, she would do it. Anything for Max. "One day...there was a cat. And papa wanted me to hurt it. But I did not." Jane paused for a moment before she continued. "After, I had to hurt people so they would not hurt me. But those people hit first. I never hit first.
Jane squeezed Max's hand. "Billy was hurt like me. But he chose to hurt others, not because he had to, but because he wanted to. That was his choice. He hurt you and he is responsible for it. Not his dad."
Max began to cry and Jane moved across the table, still holding onto Max's hand as she did so. As she sat on Max's booth, she felt the other girl move towards her at the same time that she did. The two hugged, Max crying onto Jane's shoulder. Jane felt her heart sit heavy in her chest at the other girls pain, but there was a type of anger there too. A anger that made her want to protect Max. To make her feel safe.
Jane wrapped an arm around her and held her close.
"Can we make a promise?" Max asked, her voice shaky through tears.
"Yes?"
"Can we promise to tell each other stuff from now on. Like if you're sad, you tell me, whatever it's about. And I'll tell you too."
Jane smiled. She liked that idea.
"Promise." She said.
Max
'You make me happy', the words rang through Max's mind, again and again like a song on repeat. Happy. You make me happy. And, god, how that just threw her off her feet and made her feel like was was free falling.
Max shook her head. She seriously had to stop this. This...obsession with Jane. It had started when Jane had tried on clothes at the Mall. Finally choosing her own clothes. The colorful patterns, wearing it, spinning around with confidence, and suddenly, it was like Jane had finally been herself, not Eleven, or Mike's girlfriend. Just Jane. And Max loved Jane.
The revelation had taken her by surprise because well...Jane was a girl. And the only person she had liked before was Lucas, who was a guy. She was straight. Only she wasn't because the feelings she had for Jane were definitely not straight. But she did like Lucas. They didn't work out, they just couldn't communicate, but Max had no idea what that meant. For her. What it made her.
Until she asked Eddie.
Her new neighbor was...unique. In a totally unashamed way, with his long hair, dyed clothes, ripped jeans, amalgamation of rings and anecdotes. He was different, kind and openly gay. Well, open to those he trusts. Which for some reason was Max. She didn't know why but the older boy seemed to stick to her like glue, giving her music recommendations, video tapes, a place to hang if her mother began to yell down the phone at her ex again.
It had started as a normal conversation, talking about a romance film, which had led to the discussion of crushes, which led to Eddie talking about his crush...
"He's just like...in a different world to me Max. Popular. A jock," He said the word with mock disgust. "...yet damn if my heart doth pound for him."
Max had been surprisingly not that surprised. Perhaps it was because Eddie was an outcast in just about everyway that it didn't seem that wild. Not many boys in their year openly ran a 'nerd' club whilst dressed in homemade t-shirts. So she decided to risk it, to ask Eddie 'the freak' Munson what it meant if 'maybe I like...girls as well as boys?"
Bisexual. He had explained. And...yeah. It fit. It made sense. It was scary, but also, oddly freeing when she tried the label for herself, saying it to herself at night. Uncertain, Soft.
Bisexual.
And falling, face-first, towards Jane.
"...And then I told him that spoons where obviously better."
Max brought her attention back to the girl in question, happily walking next to her as they made their way to the cabin. Jane's home. Max felt shame low in her gut as she realized she hadn't been paying attention to Jane. God, she had one job, be there for her, her friend! And yet she couldn't get out of her own stupid, stupid thoughts. She felt like a terrible friend again and tried to answer Jane in a way that didn't show just how shitty she was.
"Well, I think you're right."
"Thank you! I tried to tell him but he is silly. You cannot eat peas with a fork!" Jane beamed and max felt the guilt rise higher, to her chest.
Max laughed, her hair blowing to her face in the breeze. When she pulled the strands of red waves away she could see the outline of the cabin through the trees. Low on the ground and clad in wood, it blended into the trees seamlessly. Offering protection from the outside world when Jane had needed it most. But she didn't now. She was Jane Hopper, an adoptive daughter. Finally allowed to be a 'real' person, with a life of her own.
Max looked to Jane besides her, the other girl glancing at her home with sorrow in her brown eyes, her legs no longer skipping along but moving in a silent pace as they got closer to the porch. Max could already hear the sounds of metal hammering into wood, people talking, a voice that sounded like Joyce's saying 'no no not there!'
"Hey, we could go somewhere else, if this is too much?" She offered to the other girl. She knew what it was like to have to leave a home. Twice now she had moved without so much as a week to pack up everything she had and settle into a whole new place, each one objectively more shitty than the last. But she had never had her home literally destroyed before. And as they got closer, Max could see that the damage was...intense. Numerous holes in the roof let in light from where that hideous thing had attacked. The door smashed straight off its hinges. A section of the porch dented under the weight of one of the mind flayers feet.
For now, Jane was staying with the Byers. An arrangement she seemed to be happy with, mostly. She had begun to call Will her brother, which max thought was very cute, and would probably end up being true soon anyways. If Hopper and Joyce could finally move beyond just giving each other longing glances and just kiss already.
A Hopper-Byers family would be cute. And good for Jane. After being starved of attention, friends and family for most of her life, Max thought that the more people she could call 'home' the better.
"I want to talk to Will." Jane replied to Max's concern.
Max nodded and the two entered the cabin. With no door to open, they just walked into the hallway and called out a 'hello' to whoever was inside. Instantly, 6 pairs of eyes stared at them from the beat-up kitchen. Joyce, Will, Johnathon, Nancy, Steve and for some reason Robin all paused what they were doing and then fell into a chorus of talking.
"Hi El!"
"Max! How are you doing?"
"Okay you guys need to understand this is a work in progress and when I say progress I mean like the start of the project kind of thing not like we're halfway or a quarter way or--"
"Okay Robin, geeze, they get it!"
"Are you kids hungry? We have sandwiches?"
"Johnathon did you steal my screwdriver?"
"What? No, you must of put it somewhere!"
"El, do you prefer blue or yellow? We need new curtains the others got kind shredded..."
"Oh yeah, El! Do you want us to try and fix the couch or get a new one cause we..."
Jane turned around and left the room. Max looked at her, worried. There were tears at the rims of the other girls eyes. The room fell silent and for a moment Max stood there frozen. Was it too much to see her home, the first place that probably ever felt truly safe for her, being so destroyed? Or was it the endless questions, the talking?
Max looked to the group and her eye's met with Will's. He looked at her shyly, concern on his features. Max gave a weak smile to him.
"I'll go check she's okay." She said as reassurance, waving goodbye to the stunned faces in the kitchen as she followed Jane out the door.
But when Max found herself outside, all she saw was trees. No sign of the other girl walking down a path.
Max sighed, feeling the shame rise up again. One job. And she had failed. She let Jane get upset and now she was wandering in the woods somewhere. What if she got lost? Or hurt? She was a strong girl, Max knew that, she didn't doubt it for a second. But her main defense was gone now. So what if she got in danger?
Max moved to a sprint as she began to look for her friend.
Jane
The sound of metal hammering into wood was too much. Johnathon putting planks over gaps in the walls, Joyce loudly slapping paint over the door, Nancy doing something with a screwdriver and a curtain pole. Then all of them, talking. Asking her questions. Yellow or blue. New couch or old couch. How was she supposed to know? All she wanted was for her home to be the same. Untouched. Safe.
Jane disappeared quickly. She was good at that. Hiding was a talent of hers. Whenever she and Hop would fight, she found a quiet place where she could run to, only for Hop to find her, with his apologetic voice and an eggo at hand. But Hop would not find her this time. His body was still wired up to machines in the hospital.
Jane found herself outside, the leaves still green for now, the air warm and clammy, the sky blue, the clouds white. She ran, her hair was getting long now, long enough that she could feel it brush at her shoulders when she tilted her head. Her legs began to burn, her body still tired from the last few days. The Russians, the Mind Flayer, Billy...
She stopped with a gasp for breath, her gaze looked down and she found herself. Her reflection in a pool. Her long hair by her shoulders in waves, flowing down as she looked.
Jane's mind tripped back to when her hair was too short to even brush. When she looked to a pond just like this, Nancy's dress in ruins on her small frame. She had been hurt, she had felt like a monster. A short-haired freak trying to pretend to be a normal girl. With normal, pretty blonde hair.
And now, she had the hair. She lost the powers. So why did she still feel like a freak?
Jane sank to her knees and before she knew it, she began to cry. Not the pretty tears that other girls, like Nancy, seemed to cry. But big, heaving, ugly sobs. They racked up her body in waves until her throat was raw, her arms where shaking and the air around her seemed cooler. She couldn't even cry like a girl. And no matter how long her hair got, she would never be like Nancy, or Robin, or Max. She was different, always would be. Even without her powers, she was wrong.
And maybe...her powers were the only real thing that made her...her. She was Eleven, the superpowered girl, Mike's girlfriend. Now she was neither of those. She wasn't a sorcerer. She wasn't Mike's superhero. She was just a girl who couldn't speak properly. A girl who got scared in small spaces and darkness. A girl who dreams about monsters, some with teeth, others with clipboards and metal pens.
"Jane?"
Jane froze. She knew that voice. It was Max. She felt the warm feeling rise again, the confusing one. Soft but energetic. Fast but gentle. Slowly, she turned to see the other girl. Her red hair bounced as she walked closer to Jane and she was suddenly aware of how her cheeks were wet with tears. How her eyes were puffy and her body felt tired. She had ran off and left Max, and now Max would be worried.
"Jane...are you alright? You look totally spooked there."
El frowned. She didn't like Max looking worried like that, but she remembered their conversation from earlier. About how Billy's death was affecting her. It wasn't surprising that the other girl looked upset
"Jane?" Max asked again, her worry deeper on her face.
Jane realized she had ignored her question, staring at her blankly instead. She gave a small smile and nodded. "I am okay."
"Yeah, so...I wasn't born yesterday. What's up? I thought we said we would tell each other shit from now on?" Max replied, her arms crossing over her chest.
Jane crossed her own arms over her chest, copying Max. She had promised that she would tell Max what was on her mind. And she knew the rules of a promise. It was one of the first things she learnt about the real world.
"I know you were not born yesterday, you are the same age as me?"
"Oh, that's another expression Jane. It just means that I'm not naive."
"Ah." Jane answered. The word felt heavy on her tongue. She had made a promise, she should tell max...
But tell her what exactly? That when she lost her powers she also lost the one thing that made her Eleven? The one thing that defined her, that wasn't just trauma? The part of her that Mike loved the most...
"Loud." She said.
"The cabin? Yeah, I understand that." Max replied softly. Her voice calm and soothing.
Jane nodded.
"You know, it was probably good that you left when you did. Mike kind of...well he showed up. Started acting weird."
Jane was silent and Max made an odd expression.
"Oh..." Max trailed of. "I um...maybe I shouldn't have told you that. I mean, not that I think you cant handle it or something, I know you are more than capable but well...are you guys still not talking, I mean, after the break up and all, I'm sure its upsetting so--"
"No." Jane felt her heart deflate. Max paused her rant and looked to her. "I am not...I am not upset."
"Oh...oh. Jane, well, that's good. That you're moving on, like, I'm proud of you." The red haired girl grinned to her.
Jane felt herself smile at the compliment. Proud of her. Max was proud. And Jane felt like she was floating, which she should know, as she had levitated before. But this was not a life-or-death situation, this was just her and Max. And it felt good.
But it wasn't quite right because Jane had not 'moved on', because she had never been sad about the breakup, which she knew was odd. She knew that girlfriends were supposed to be sad when their boyfriends 'broke up' with them. That was how love worked. Boyfriends and Girlfriends were happy when they were together, and sad when they were apart. But she was not sad. Mike was. She was not. She was a bad girlfriend. But she was no longer a girlfriend. She was no longer special. She was no longer Eleven.
"Can I ask..." Max tucked a strand of her ginger hair behind her ear. "Why did you to get back together after the Mall? I mean, no judgment but he was being a really shitty boyfriend, what with lying about his Nan and all."
"We talked." Jane said slowly. "He asked to be together again."
"And you...you were okay with that?"
Jane was silent.
"Jane, you know you don't have to be with him just because he says so, right?"
I know...I did dump his ass." Jane said with a slight giggle. She liked it when she used the words Max used, because Max was cool, and confident and she spoke so well.
"Yeah. "Max grinned alongside her. "Yeah you totally did, that was so bitchin', Jane."
Jane felt heat reach her face at the compliment. Max was really very good with compliments, and they seemed to do strange things to Jane. Nice things.
"But um...in all seriousness, are you sure there's nothing else bothering you?" Max asked, her voice caring and kind. "Your eyes are totally puffy so I know you were crying. And we're friends, remember. I completely lost my shit earlier about Billy and you were there for me. I'm here for you. Yeah?"
Jane nodded slowly. The breeze picked up around her and she felt the waves of her hair tickle her face. She loved the feeling, the softness of the locks that grew from her head. It calmed her against the strange feeling that she felt now.
"I know."
"So...Is it Hopper?" Max asked.
Jane nodded.
"Hey, he's gonna be okay, yeah. The doctors said he'll recover. He just needs time."
Jane nodded.
"Is there...something else?"
Jane shook her head.
"Are you sure?"
Jane nodded.
"Okay well...its getting kinda breezy. You've been gone a while, are you getting cold? We can head back now if you want."
Jane was getting a bit cold. The sun had disappeared behind clouds and her short-sleeve flannel from Johnathon did a bad job at protecting her from the wind. But she didn't nod her head. Mike was at the cabin. And every time she saw his floppy hair all she could think of was how she was no longer his superhero. No longer special. No longer Eleven.
She was Jane now. She was still unsure of the name but she liked it when Max used it. Jane Hopper, a normal girl. If only she felt normal...
"Mike is there..." Jane said, her voice quiet and hollow.
"Oh shit yeah. Hey! Okay how about we forget about stupid boys and go to mine! I can let you read my comic books again! We can have a sleepover, if Joyce allows it, AND there's a new album you HAVE to listen to, its by Kate Bush who's like totally crazy in the best way, I think you'll love her!"
Jane smiled despite the tears of earlier still drying on her cheeks. Max had that affect. She was like sunshine.
"I'd like that."
Max grinned. She held out a hand, her ginger hair bouncing with the movement. Jane slowly reached out her own hand. Sara's blue hair-tie making a line on her wrist. Goosebumps lining the skin of her arm. Her hand met Max's and for a moment, she was no longer cold.
Jane blinked, and found her eyes looking at Max's. They froze, for what was probably only a second. But for some reason, it felt longer.
"Okay, um, lets go!" Max said, her eyes leaving Jane's.
Jane followed and wondered why female friends felt so different to male ones...