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The morning had started off just like any other day.
Dull orange light shone through the window, landing right on Robert’s face. The glow made the sleeping man stir, grumbling softly. He turned away right as the alarm blared on his phone. He groaned, blindly grabbing at the sheets, stopping when his hand grabbed hold of his phone, turning off the alarm. He flopped back down, sighing contently. Until a wet kiss was planted on his cheek, making his eyebrows furrow and face scrunch up. Then, another. Then another. He tried to bat away the attacker but they skillfully dodged his attacks. He finally opened his eyes, staring into a sea of gray.
“There- here he is.” Herman chuckled softly, planting one more kiss inbetween his eyebrows. “Someone’s- y-you trying to skip work?”
“Says the man who called out today.” Robert sat up softly, rubbing his eyes. He wiped away the wet kiss marks across his face.
“I-I’m not- I have t-time off.” Herman rolled his eyes, getting out of bed, a small puddle of water poured from the waterproof sheets down onto the plastic flooring.
“Yeah, but you’re still abandoning me.” Robert followed suit, stretching his arms over his head as he walked towards his dresser. He felt eyes roaming over his bare back, looking over at the culprit. His boyfriend eyeing his half naked body. “Pervert.”
Herman hummed, rounding the bed to press a damp finger against his back, feeling the faint sting of their activities from the night before still healing on his scarred back. “I-I think you’ll- w-we’ve spent more than enough time t-together…”
“You need to clip your nails, freak.” Robert nudged his hand away as he pulled out a pair of khaki, slipping them on as Herman headed towards the bathroom. He followed suit shortly after, hip bumping his boyfriend to make room in front of the small bathroom mirror.
They had just moved into the cozy one bedroom not too long ago, and this was the routine they had now settled into. Robert was still getting used to the mornings full of soft kisses and waking up next to someone, but it felt more like home every day that passed.
“So, what are the plans with Kathy today?” Robert asked, wrapping his arms around Herman’s waist and laying his chin on his shoulder as he brushed his teeth.
“A-after her- o-once the nurse finishes her morning routine, I-I’m gonna take her to lun- breakfast!” His voice was muffled around the tooth brush, so he took a moment to spit and rinse out his mouth, “m-maybe go shopping after, j-just spend the day with her.”
“And I just get to sit in meetings all day. Fun day for us both.” Robert chuckled.
“A-At least you got to sleep in.”
Robert watched Herman closely as he got ready, trying to fix his wet hair into a more manageable way. His eyes traced the scarring that ran up his arm and across his back and chest. The only places dry on his body. His focus was interrupted when Herman spoke again.
“I-I just feel bad. For… you know.” He sighed.
“Herman, you’re 26, you shouldn’t have to feel bad about moving out.” Robert shook his head, pulling away to grab his gel and fix his hair. “Plus, she gets to have a normal old lady house now.”
“L-less cats though.” Herman shrugged.
“Shit speaking of.” Robert finished up and went to the bedroom door. As he opened it, a snout poked through the doorway, shoving its way through. Beef ran circles around Roberts legs, toy bone in mouth. Then, the soft meow of a tortoise shell cat, one that had previously belonged to Kathy, entering the room and rubbing against his leg. Robert had grown fond of the cat over the course of their relationship, taking her in when Kathy had had gone into home care and had to give away a majority of her own cats. Chicken rub herself on his leg, purring loudly.
“Okay okay you two, breakfast time.” Robert cooed, leaving the bedroom to head to their bowls in the corner of the living room. He opened blinds, letting the rising sun shine through the windows. He portioned out food to the two hungry animals who didn’t hesitate to eat their share. Beef finished quickly, eyeing chickens food but Robert scooped him up before he could put whatever devious plan he had into action.
He made sure he had everything, phone, keys, wallet. Beef. “I’m heading out!” He called out, slipping on his work shoes. There was rustle the bedroom before Herman emerged, now clothed in his usual attire, black wetsuit underneath shorts and a black t-shirt. Wordlessly, Robert wrapped his free arm around his hip and they gave each other a peck on the lips. He was surprised to see Herman wrinkle his nose.
“You forgot to- b-brush your teeth.” He told him immediately. Robert only smirked and blow into his face, making the other writhe and giggle trying to pull away from him, but Roberts grasp on his waist was firm.
“I have an extra toothbrush in my locker, I’ll get it done before the meeting.” Robert finally released his grasp from Herman to turn towards the door.
“I-I love you.”
“I love you too.” He replied, opening it before heading out.
The morning flew by. Robert had driven him and Beef to work, brushed his teeth and made himself look a little more presentable in the locker room bathroom. He dropped Beef off to his baby sitter, who was loudly swearing at the Z team for whatever bullshit they were doing this time.
“I’m never dispatching your team for you ever again, I don’t know how you deal with these assholes.” He huffed, but lovingly took Beef into his arms. “But this guy, however. I’d take care of that adorable fucking face any day….” He paused before turning back to his computer. “I was NOT talking to you, fuckwad.”
Robert chuckled but left Chase to his devices. He met with Blonde Blazer, going through the days schedule of meetings, mostly just corporate bullshit that she didn’t want to handle alone so she roped Robert into it. Though she seemed a little more stressed as they talked, he couldn’t help but notice how her professional demeanor and stress would melt just a little when her phone would buzz and she’d glance at the screen. He also couldn’t help but notice the name “Visi” popping up each time it lit up.
But that was none of his business.
He finished up his cup of coffee, turned off his phone and together, the went into the conference room.
He was bored.
The man up front, whoever he was, droned on and on and on, his monotone voice that lacked any infliction whatsoever. Robert was completely lost on what he was talking about, but Blazer only nodded along. He knew he was smart in his own ways, but Robert felt like an idiot. Minutes… hours? Passed. His mind numb.
Then it happened.
Blazers phone kept buzzing from her pocket. She kept denying the call, but it would only ring again seconds after. People side eyed her but after the third buzz, the presenter turned to her directly.
“Miss Blazer, if it is an emergency, you’re welcome to step out and answer it.”
“Right. Yes, sorry, I’ll be back.” She stood quickly, heading out the door, phone in hand. The meeting continued as the door shut, but Robert couldn’t pay attention. There was this slow ache that seeped into his chest, a feeling of dread washing over him as the minutes ticked past. He didn’t understand why, maybe his anxiety kicking in. But it was only confirmed when the door opened again, Blazer poking her head in.
“I’m so sorry but, me and my associate need to step out. It is an emergency.”
She looked… he couldn’t pinpoint it. Scared? Sad?
“Of course, I will send you an email later recounting the main points of the meeting.”
Robert nodded and stood quickly, heading towards the door. Blazer ushered him out and as the door swung closed behind her, he gave her a concerned glance.
“Whats going on? Is everything okay?”
But she didn’t answer, she just pushed passed him. He followed, the dread only sinking deeper.
“Blazer? Hey. What’s going on?”
But she didn’t stop, hand slapping the button to the elevator, the doors opening. She stepped inside and he followed. She did the same to the main floor button and the second the doors closed she sighed.
“It’s water… Herman… he needs you.”
Robert’s heart sunk.
She shook her head, “just let me know how many days you need off, preapproved.”
“What- is he okay?” Robert scoffed.
“It’s… he’ll tell you. Chase has Beef handled, he’ll return him back to you guys tonight, but you need to go to him.” The doors opened with a bing.
“Where is he?” He asked quickly.
“His… grandmas….” She hesitated.
No…
Robert didn’t even remember what happened after, his mind barely registered as he rushed to his car, flying the door open and speeding out of the parking lot. His mind was racing, his body sweating, just happy that he didn’t pass any cops on his way there. He knew the streets by heart. Time was speeding past.
Then. It slowed.
Now, it was slow motion as he turned the corner, eyes locking instantly on the house. Flashing red and blues, an ambulance and a police car. Memories flashed across his mind, his heart pounding in his chest. As he pulled up he could see Herman inside through the open door, talking to two people. He recognized one as Tracy, Kathy’s at home nurse, the other was an officer. He sighed in relief in seeing Herman okay, but the immediate regret that followed stung.
He got out of the car, rushing in. Herman looked calm, talking softly with the two. He slowly looked up, eyes meeting Roberts as he paused in the doorway for a moment. There was no change on his face, just a content, quiet sadness. Tracy and the officer turned to see what he had been looking at.
“Herman…”
“She’s gone…” Herman said quietly.
A ball formed in his throat.
“What… how?” Robert shook his head, walking closer. Tracy and the police officer moved out of his way, heading out the door and letting the two talk in private.
“T-they don’t know… n-not yet.” He shook his head. “Just… went… peacefully. I-in her sleep.”
“Oh my god….” Robert gently touched Herman’s arm, but he pulled away. Robert understood and didn’t attempt again. “Herm… I’m so sorry…”
Herman didn’t respond, only staring at the staircase. His demeanor concerned Robert greatly. No tears, no sobbing, nothing. It scared him.
“I-I should probably finish t-talking- handling everything…” he finally broke his gaze.
“I can do it, if you need a moment.” Robert offered but Herman only shook his head and walked passed him. His eyes glossed over.
Robert watched from a distance, like a fly on the wall. Kathy had already been taken away by the time Robert got there so everything that followed after was just making final arrangements and what steps needed to be taken next.
The drive home was quiet.
At home was quieter.
Robert didn’t know what to say. Or what to do. Even the animals kept their distance from Herman as he made phone calls and set up funeral arrangements. It felt weird, hearing the same man who once cried over slipping in his own puddle, the one who had thrown a chair into a vending machine just because a man he barely knew got hurt, talk about his own grandmas death like it was just another Tuesday. Like she was a stranger. So, Robert just tuned him out, made them dinner and they went to bed.
It was cold.
The blankets that once brought him comfort and warmth felt they were suffocating him. The air was thick around him and he felt like he was grasping for breath. With Herman asleep beside him, he slowly got out of bed and headed towards the balcony.
The smoke in his lungs didn’t take away the pain. It never really did but, at least it gave him something to do. He looked over the city lights, shivering in the cold air of the night. And there, alone, knowing he didn’t have to put on a brave face, he cried. He leaned against the balcony railing, hanging his head low as he cried soft tears.
Those days in the car, listening to her ramble on with a story he’s heard a hundred times before. The way she rubbed her thumb against Herman’s hand while he lay hooked up to a tube in a hospital bed. How she used to get so excited to see Robert visit. So many good memories now made his chest tighten and soft fries leave his lips.
He had lost a father before, but this was different. He cried, of course he cried. He loved his father, even after everything. But the anger he felt, the anger of how the world was so unfair and how someone could be gone so quickly. He had only felt that anger once before, when he thought Chase was dead.
Then, a hand.
It wrapped around his waist, tugging and making him spin around. Herman just stood there, that same emptiness and numbness in his expression. He just reached out and pulled Robert close. And like always, Robert melted into the embrace. He expected then for Herman to break, for the tears to start flowing.
But they didn’t.
The routine changed. Robert often woke up alone, no wet kisses peppering his cheeks, no silly banter between the two, no touching. But, the laundry was always folded, the sink was always empty, the pets were always fed, and when Robert returned to work that Friday, a bagged lunch sat on the counter waiting for him to bring along.
Robert knew Herman was just distracting himself. He tried to be there for him but it was hard. It was hard to comfort someone who didn’t want comfort. Or seem to need it. So, Robert distracted himself as well.
“How’s he holding up?”
Robert swirled the glass of whisky in his hand, the ice nearly melted. He sighed, shrugging.
“Fuck if I know…” he mumbled, eyes entranced on the bronze liquid.
“Why are you here?” Malevola slid into the bar stool next to him, “shouldn’t you be home?”
Should he?
“Probably…” he finally took a sip, the liquid numbing his tongue. “What’re you doing here?”
“Waterboy sent out a text.” She shrugged, “he said you never came home, he’s worried.”
“Let me guess, you have my location too.” Robert sighed.
“Nah, Prism told me and I just portaled here.” She shrugged. Robert just nodded. “She was a sweet woman, Robert. Back when Herman had his accident, she was always so kind when I came to visit. I can see why you’re upset. But, I think Herman needs too right now.”
“To what?” He scoffed, “he won’t even talk to me. He won’t let me touch him. He just cleans, eats and sleeps. She’s dead and yet I feel like I’m crazy for showing emotion about it.”
Malevola stayed silent for a second. “He took care of her for a long time, Robert.” She finally said after a moment of thought, “grief… it’s so weird. I’ve seen a lot of people die in my lifetime and I’ve never seen two people react the same way. But, when it came to carers, I more often then not saw that it’s hard for them to turn it off. They’ve cared for others for so long, they forget that they need to care for themselves to. He’s going to break, and when he does, he needs you there.”
Robert finally looked over at her. He was never used to being in the position, the one where he receives advice instead of giving it. It weird strange, but, he knew that this was what he needed to hear.
“I should probably get home:” he set down the glass, “the funeral is tomorrow and… he needs me right now.”
“He really does.” Malevola nodded, “more than you think.”
She brought him back to the apartment, he had dropped his car off at home before walking to the bar. She ruffled his hair and gave him a reassured smile.
He entered the apartment slowly, kicking off his shoes. It was dark, all of the lights turned off as the stoves clock read 2 minutes to midnight. Beef raised his head from his dog bed and Robert gave him a pet before heading into the bedroom. When Robert opened the door, he could see a mass under the sheets in the pale moonlight cascading in through the window. He stripped quietly, plugging in his phone before climbing into bed next to Herman, his back turned to him. He took a minute to adjust before closing his eyes, waiting for sleep to overtake him.
“I was worried about you…”
The voice made Robert to open his eyes, staring into the back of a soaking wet tank top.
“I know, I’m sorry.” He replied softly. “I should’ve texted.”
“Yeah….”
There was a moment of stillness, the tension thick and the room quiet. Just soft breathing.
“Can I hold you?” Robert asked quietly.
“….y-yes….”
Robert scoot forward, his arms wrapping around Herman waist. He pressed his chest against his back, feeling the moisture from his skin soak through his shirt. He rested his forehead against Herman’s shoulder.
“….you smell like alcohol….” Herman held still, as if he were to move in Robert’s grip something bad would happen.
“I… had a drink.” He sighed. Herman didn’t say anything further, but the silence only ate at Robert. “Are you mad at me?”
More silence. Then, as very soft. “No…”
Robert only pressed his body closer, he took a hand, running it down Herman’s scarred arm until he found his hand. He laced his fingers in. “I love you.” He whispered gently.
“I love you too, Robert.” Herman replied just as gently. And there, they fell asleep, soft snores slowly taking over the quiet.
When Herman woke up the next morning, he didn’t know what to do. He stood in the doorway of the bedroom, frozen, slowly surveying the apartment.
Robert stood on the other side of the kitchen, leaning against the counter, staring right back at him. The laundry bins empty, the floors cleaned and vacuumed, the animals fed, the dishes done and two plates of eggs and bacon sat on the kitchen counter.
It was early and the bags under Roberts eyes indicated that he had woken up hours before. He needed to. Had to.
Herman’s brain had short circuited, but he eventually came to the table and together they ate in silence.
The same thing happened when he opened the closet after getting ready and found two suits hung up, ironed and ready to go. He just stood, frozen.
As they stood in the front door in their black suits, Robert tied his tie for him. Glancing up at him. They were both clean shaven and freshly washed, perfect gentlemen ready to see their favorite lady.
Everyone was there for the funeral. Robert had secretly been dreading the arrival of the Z team, but they managed to impressed him with how… normal they could be for once. Each gave their own quiet condolences to Herman as they entered the church. A lot more people showed up, a lot of them older. Friends of Kathy, ready to say goodbye to her one last time.
He was even more impressed when the funeral began and Herman stood on stage, giving the eulogy. It was the longest he had talked since her passing and it was surprisingly smooth, barely any stuttering. He shared stories of her, how she raised him and her insatiable need for more and more cats and cat related accessories. How she pushed him to do his best and be his best and how he didn’t think he’d be where he was if it weren’t for her giving him the news paper clipping for the SDN janitor listing. Their eyes connected for just a moment, a soft smile on Herman’s face as Robert held back the lump in his throat.
“And if it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t have met the love of my life.”
That phrasing stuck with Robert. All the way to the wake. They all gathered in Kathy’s house, people filling the living room and kitchen, talking loud and sharing stories. The Z team teased eachother about who cried the most and went about their usual shenanigans and shit talking. Robert even threw in a few pointed insults towards Flambae and how he looked like a discord moderator when he wasn’t dressed like a manwhore. It wasn’t until Sonar pointed it out that Robert had realized he hadn’t seen his taller half for the past thirty minutes. So, he went looking.
It took a bit, but when he noticed the slight crack in Kathy’s door, he understood. He pushed the door open softly, light falling onto Herman’s back from where he sat on Kathy’s bed. He entered slowly, closing the door behind him and muffling the sound downstairs. He softly walked around the bed and stood at the end of it. Herman held a thick scrap book in his lap, but just stared at the front cover. He eventually looked up at Robert.
“T-the pages are p-paper… I don’t want to- I’ll ruin it.” He mumbled and looked back down.
Robert walked over and sat next to him, taking the book from Herman’s lap and opening it. Inside, each page had 2-3 photos. Half was all photos of Kathy from when she was younger. Her and her late husband posing with a toddler in her arms, Herman’s mom’s first school dance.Birthday parties, school pictures and eventually, baby photos of Herman. Most had little hand written paragraphs next to them, memories of Kathy’s life.
baby Herms first bath.
baby Herm and his momma having a fun day at the beach.
Sometimes, a photo would make the two laugh. Like one where it shows firefighters unsticking a crying 5 year old Herman from an ice rink, his mom clearly distressed in the background.
baby Herm learns he can’t ice skate.
They sat there for who knows how long, flipping page through page. A small smile stayed on Robert’s face as he looked at all of the photos, but as they neared the end, he heard a sniffle sound next to him. He looked over, seeing tears begin to fall from Herman’s eyes, his face scrunching and his shoulders shaking as he brought his hands to his face.
The mask was finally starting to crack.
Robert just silently set the book aside and pulled him into a hug. He melted in Robert’s touch, finally letting all of his emotions spill out. Big, gasping sobs. Robert rubbed his back in slow circles, just letting him cry.
“I-Im going to miss her- s-s-so much.” He sobbed.
“I know baby…” Robert could only just keep his hold on him, pulling him tighter to his chest. “I know…”
Eventually, everyone left. Robert cleaned the house while he let Herman rest in his old bedroom upstairs. As the sun set outside, he sat on the porch step, watching it dip over the horizon as he took a long drag of his cigarette. The door opened behind him and he turned, seeing Herman walk out, rubbing away the sleep in his eyes. He sat next to Robert on the step, leaning against him and letting Robert lay his head on his shoulder, watching the shift of orange and yellow in the sky.
“Did you mean what you said?” Robert asked as the last bits of sunlight disappeared over the horizon.
“Hm?”
“That I’m the love of your life?” He put out the cigarette on the sidewalk, stomping out the butt. It took Herman a moment to answer.
“Do you want to know… w-what one of last things she said to me was?” Herman glanced down at Robert to his spot on his shoulder, Robert looked back up at him. “I-I was on a call with her… the night before she passed. I-I told her- w-was telling her how happy I was, living with you. H-how I was finally happy… in life. F-finally…”
Robert just sat silently and listened. Herman choked up for a second, but regained his composure and wiped his eyes.
“S-she said… you better marry that man.” He forced out a laugh, “and I told her…. I-I’ll try my best…”
“Herm…” Robert sat up, turning to him but Herman only shook his head.
“Then she said… t-tell him I said to take good care of you.” He wiped his eyes again, “then I told her I needed to go to bed… and I said, ‘goodnight mama.’”
His voice cracked, tears starting to flow again.
“She said… ‘goodbye Hermie.’”
Robert didnt hesitate, they embraced once again. He didn’t notice he was crying as well until he heard himself sniffle. And they stayed like that for a long time. When they finally pulled away, they just looked up into the night sky watching whatever stars they could see in the California sky.
Robert tucked a passed out Herman into bed that night, their suits lay crumbled into the corner and an empty bag of fast food on the bedside table. Robert left the door open, letting Beef and Chicken come in and jump up onto the bed, curling up on the end. He looked over to the window and went to close the curtains. Before he did, he looked up one more time at the star filled sky once again. Taking a deep breath.
“I promise, I’ll take good care of him, Kathy.”
He closed the curtains, crawling into bed next to Herman, before drifting off to sleep.