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“I’m sorry.”
Two words on a dying breath.
Jackie whispered it to no one in particular. She didn’t even know what she was apologising for.
For forcing Shauna to live in her shadow? Because swallowing her whole was too socially unacceptable. It wasn’t ladylike to consume your best friend.
Maybe she was sorry for calling Nat a slut. Because she didn’t really believe it. She wanted to believe it so maybe she didn’t have to be so embarrassed for not putting out. Not that that matters now.
Was she sorry for not pitching in? Because it wasn’t out of malice. She didn’t mean to hurt the group. If anything she meant to hurt herself. Finally, a place where she could die and pretend it was just an accident. She didn’t want to help survive in the wilderness because she didn’t even want to survive senior year.
She could feel the chill in the air and, oh no, oh my, the fire won’t catch! But she can’t go back inside! What about her pride? Gosh, she didn’t even mean for that to rhyme.
Jackie squeezed her eyes shut. It felt like the right time to cry but her eyes remained stubbornly dry. Oh wow, she’s practically a poet.
The chill was beginning to seep into her bones. Sucking all her marrow dry. What did those boys say about seizing the day? Well it was night now. The time in which all the unspoken rules of the world went out the window.
Jackie wondered what would happen to her body.
She’d freeze to death, most likely.
They wouldn’t be able to bury her, if there was anything to be said by the speckle of snow Jackie just spotted on that tree over there. The ground would be frozen solid. Not that they’d be able to dig properly due to the snow anyway.
Would they burn her? Or just wait for spring to come? Maybe they’d eat her if the worst comes to worst. Maybe they’d string her up on a cross, telling all wanderers; Beware! The spirit of the Yellowjackets captain haunts these grounds! Come closer if you dare!
God, she was on fire today.
She almost snorted at her own joke, only stopped by the tightening of her larynx. It was getting hard to breathe. She couldn’t feel her ears, and if she tried to adjust her hair to warm up, well she couldn’t do that either, since she couldn’t feel her fingers either.
Jackie tried to smile. Or make a funny expression for her face to freeze into. But her muscles were moving at a glacial pace and her lips were so cracked, it felt like she was splitting them. She could almost taste the blood running down her chin and seeping into her mouth.
There was a light in the attic window. Shauna was peering down at her with a hardened frown.
Oof, she wouldn’t wanna freeze looking like that.
Did she know Jackie was about to die?
Did she know that Jackie only ever felt alive when she was with Shauna? That she was just an empty shell of a person whenever she wasn’t being filled with Shauna’s presence?
Was it morbid to say that Jackie would prefer death to a life without Shauna?
It shouldn’t be, because that’s what she was picking now.
The light and love of her life hated her. The only person who knew her, the only one who ever made Jackie think she was worth a damn, kicked her out in the cold like a misbehaving dog.
But Jackie didn’t have any fur to keep herself warm. Just a thin blanket and a thinner jacket and thinner skin and thinner bones that would snap like a twig if Shauna wanted them too. She wouldn’t even need to do anything, they’d just bend to Shauna’s will. All of Jackie’s body was attuned to Shauna’s. But now there was no body of Shauna’s to feel and Jackie felt empty.
Her eyes were missing and the snow was falling through the sockets and filling her up. It was running through her bloodstream, clogging her veins and her arteries and her aorta. The opening to her heart that used to be reserved only for Shauna, was being liberated by death frozen over.
“‘M sor…”
She tried to finish the sentence but it died on her own dying lips.
She knew what she was apologising for now.
I’m sorry for ever existing. I’m sorry for taking your light, Shauna. I’m sorry we couldn’t be together. But a relationship needs two people, and I’m not even one.
Jackie closed her eyes and let her eyelids freeze over.