Chapter Text
He remembers how painful it was, how his throat burned as he cried out for his sister to help, how even though the cold, devastated look in her eyes told him it was futile- he tried anyway, because that was his sister, a sister who he adored and would do anything for, evidently, a sister who he had assumed felt the same.
He was wrong.
Oddly that felt a lot more agonizing than the beating he got less than 24 hours of being back in the hell that was Hotten Prison. At least with the prison beatings he had learned how to numb his body, to enter a state of physical emptiness that allowed him to avoid feeling anything- but this, this crept up behind him and caught him off guard in the most painful way.
That night, the same day that the officer had mercilessly told him what charges he was facing, he sat in his cell- left hand shaking and throbbing as it had been stepped on by an angry thud of a boot from a familiar face, trembling fingers raking through his own hair, getting caught on a strand with some dried blood Robert had missed when he washed his reddening face earlier on.
He couldn't stop crying. He thanked the God's that he had been put in a cell by himself, could only hope it stayed that way for awhile longer- he just wept, and thought about a lot of things:
John- and how much he hates him for tricking everyone, how he's going to live life pretending and getting no punishment whatsoever while Robert rots again and his victims don't get any justice. How everyone chose him because the other option was Robert, so it was so obvious who they'd pick.
Then Vic, and Chas, and everyone else who practically waved him away to his place in this cold, desolate cell after spending the past few months re-learning to tolerate him. Those thoughts didn't linger too much, it hurt to think about it all.
Then Aaron, his Aaron, who was in a coma- who Robert couldn't be there for, again, because he was in this stupid place once more and he couldn't do anything about it.
He was so angry. Devastated, and angry, and devastated again.
And he couldn't stop crying.
The village felt darker since the last time he saw it, despite it being a fresh and sunny morning as it crept into the season of Autumn.
Wind was caught in the trees but the sun still kept the leaves the perfect shade of green as they swept, the light from it warmed Robert's face while making him squint, there weren't many faces on Main Street- just strangers with their dogs or carrying bags or on their phones, Robert was relieved at that, he wasn't willing to face anybody he knew just yet.
He didn't have a plan, he asked the taxi driver to bring him here, but he didn't know if he could face going to Keeper's- because that meant Vic, and awkward and unpleasant conversations, and pity and tears and emotional torture.
"Robert?" A hesitant voice mumbled from beside him, he heard the gravel crumple under the persons feet as he turned around, he spotted Tracy glancing up at him- face tormented but curious as she stared at him as if he was something fragile. Not like he was something that would inevitably break and shatter all over the place and cause a mess, no, more like he was something to be treasured and held with care- what she was giving him wasn't pity, it was concern and care and definitely something Robert hadn't had in awhile, not in a genuine sense anyway.
"Are y'alright?" She spoke up again when Robert didn't seem to be able to mutter a response. "You've been stood out here for about 10 minutes, you must be getting cold in this wind." She stepped a bit closer, hair crawling all over her face as the wind forced her ponytail to swish and work against her.
"Yeah." He tried, it was weak and croaky and he suddenly realized how thirsty he was- tired and hungry as well. "Yeah, I will be. Just a bit strange being back after everything, I s'pose." He offered, surprised at himself for talking so much to someone so soon- and yes, this counted as a lot for him, now. She just gave him a knowing smile and tilted her head in signal at him.
"Come on, you look like you could do with a cuppa- and the company- and so could I to be honest." Robert was going to object, come up with an excuse like he had anywhere else to go, "I've got that chocolate you're always buying." She added, lips curved into a giddy smile as she comically wiggled her brows and evoked a low chuckle from Robert- who then rolled his eyes at her and followed her inside. He didn't know how Tracy was managing to make jokes after everything had blew up, the Nate and John of it all, but he appreciated somebody just treating him normal.
"So, I bet Vic is buzzing that you're back out." She smiled softly, handing him over his tea as she blew air onto her own to cool it. She managed to catch Robert's dulled expression before he could fix his face into pretending again, she furrowed her brows as she spoke. "Why wouldn't she be?"
Robert huffed, nicked a custard cream from the plate Tracy had set out to delay answering.
"It's not that." He started, taking a deep breath before beginning again. "It's just- I don't know if I'm ready to face her."
Tracy looked even more puzzled at that.
"When we were at the hospital the other day, Aaron was in his coma and as you know John had successfully pinned the blame on me."
Tracy's face tinted with anger, bitterness twisting her lips into a frown as she quietly mumbled her curses at the man.
"The police came to arrest me." He slowly continued. "Vic didn't believe me, she refused to visit me when I asked her, wouldn't answer the phone- I gave up eventually- but knowing she thought I could do something like that, to Aaron of all people-" He took a deep breath. "Vic was the only person who I've truly had by my side since I got out, everyone else has just put up with me, but she's my sister and she wanted nothing to do with me- even though she knows me and she knows I could never hurt Aaron on purpose like the way John had made out." He bit at his lip, having to do something to stop the tears that were threatening to run.
"When the one person who is supposed to have your back looks at you like you're the most evil, sick and twisted person in the world- and genuinely believes it. There's not much fixing that, or forgetting."
Tracy lets out something between a gasp and a sigh.
"I know it won't mean as much, but when people had said you were responsible- I didn't believe it." She mumbles. "A few of us didn't, to be fair." She looks at him carefully and he hesitantly meets his eyes.
"It's nice to know some people still actually have a clue about me then." It was somewhat bitterly remarked by him, but he said it with a fond scoff- to which Tracy met with a fond smile.
"Nicola was bumping up your reputation, dunno if that's just because you're one of her regulars though." She joked, Robert found his lips tugging into an easy smile.
"I'm one of her favourites really, even if she tries to hide it." He sounded pleased with himself as he took another sip of his tea.
After a few beats of silence, he spoke up again.
"How are you?" He asked lowly, "After everything, I know John was a friend to you-"
"Hardly a brother." She hummed.
"Still."
Tracy shifted in her seat, fingers tapping against her mug as she stared holes into the table they were sat at.
"It's weird." She said bluntly as she let out a huff. "I mean- When I found out, it didn't even feel that shocking, things that I noticed: little blips in his speeches or gaps in his stories or just weird behaviour, it all just clicked into space and made so much sense." Robert nodded at that, he had definitely caught onto John's bizarreness before most, but he could admit the prick was good at covering his tracks.
"It still hurts, he had us all fooled; he spoke at Nate's funeral, pretended like he wasn't the reason we were all there to begin with, like he was being honourable and strong, a good person- honestly the thought of his stupid face makes me want to spew."
Robert snorted at that, glad Tracy didn't find it disrespectful as she let out an amused huff too.
"But now, he's just an unpleasant memory, and we're well rid- it's just the annoying matter of actually forgetting about him."
Robert sucked his teeth as she spoke, folded his arms and slightly shrunk into himself at the thought of weeks of even more unpleasant nightmares and memories plaguing him.
"It's not gonna be easy." He looked up at her, blue-green eyes glistening in honesty, "But it will get better."
She let out a smile, happy at his words but still slightly unconvinced, like himself.
"You're not such bad company you know, even if you do consume all of the shops tea and biscuits." She grinned as he faked disbelief.
"You're the one who offered me them!"
"All that chocolate you buy then!"
"Hey, me and my chocolate intake is a matter nobody is allowed to criticize." He pointed a serious finger at her but failed to stifle the beaming smile he let out at her teasing.
A few minutes later, when their teas were nothing but dregs and the custard creams had been devoured, Robert paused their random-topics of conversation as the reminder that he would have to go home after this flooded back into his mind.
"You know a bit more about the situation than I do right now-" Tracy looked up at him with curiosity. "What's the situation, with Aaron and Mack, he did get out didn't he-" Robert couldn't help the fear that raced through him, he knew that somehow the police found out it was John behind his and Aaron's fall and not him, but he didn't know wether they knew about Mack- he cursed himself for only just remembering.
"Don't worry- Mack's fine. John brought him to the hospital after Aaron woke up and then he went on the run."
So Aaron was awake, and, John hadn't been arrested- he was on the run, and if that thought wasn't terrifying Robert didn't know what was.
"He could come back at any minute." He didn't mean to vocalize his paranoia, he froze at himself for doing so when he watched Tracy's face do something complicated.
"Yeah." She sighed out. "But, hopefully the police catch him before he gets the chance, and even if they don't, I'm sure he isn't stupid enough to return to a village where the all mighty 'Cain Dingle and co' are waiting to put his head on a spike."
"Lets bloody hope so." He huffed, shoulders relaxing as he leant forward, still exhausted.
"You look shattered." Tracy chuckled at him, made a quip about his eye bags before he glared at her.
"Cheers." He grunted. "I am, haven't had a decent nights sleep in ages." He knows Tracy assumes the count started when he was arrested again, he doesn't tell her he means longer. "I don't think I'm ready to face home yet." He admits, fingers tapping nervously against the table as she looks at him apologetically.
"You don't have to talk to her about it all." She says, Robert gives her a look.
"It's Vic, I won't be able to get through the door without a dozen 'sorry's' and a bloody therapy session." He was hardly exaggerating, which made it all the more ridiculous.
"It's because she cares." Robert knew she did, somewhat.
"Only when it conveniences her." It was bitter and petty but it was all Robert had evidence of, so he stood by it and Tracy didn't even try to argue with him about it.
"Just, tell her you're too tired for chat, that you aren't ready to discuss it- get yourself to bed and don't come back out until you've caught up on all your missed sleep. She can't argue with that."
Robert makes an internal joke to himself about how he'd be asleep for years, if he did that, then winced at how sad that was.
"It's not that easy." He tries. "But, it probably is the only shot I've got of getting some rest sometime soon." He shrugs, thinks about it for a bit, then decides blunt greetings and scurrying upstairs is better than a failed attempt of sneaking in or not going back at all.
"Go on, I'll see you tomorrow for your daily dose of overpriced chocolate."
"See, if you can admit it's overpriced surely you can give me a discount." He jokes, but secretly hopes he'll achieve something when he bats his eyelashes at her.
"Eric will have me hung drawn and quartered if I give out discounts." She snickers as he smirks and makes his way towards the door. "Robert." She calls, he spins round to face her, "Take one- on me." She rolls her eyes like he had been a child begging for a toy and she had gave in, he lets out a snort and a small cheer and nabs a chocolate bar before giving her his thanks and making his way outside.
He didn't feel as weak as he did when he first got back to the Village, the slight tremble was still there in his bones and the lack of safety lingered just enough to make him uneasy, but he did feel a bit better after his encounter with Tracy.
The wind was a lot stronger now, the sun less warm behind the trees- but the air wasn't as unfamiliar, and the gravel actually let him move towards Keeper's this time.
He jostled the key into place and shoved open the door to Keeper's. Thankfully it was still late-morning so Harry wasn't back from school yet, but Robert couldn't remember whether Vic would be in work or not, he didn't even know what day it was- how long it had been since the gorge.
He shut the door behind him and could almost feel the shake of eager footsteps make their way towards him from the living room. He managed to spin around just in time to block Victoria springing at him, the sudden appearance of her before him startling him a bit but he still held his arms out stiffly but successfully.
"Robert!" Her voice was too squeaky, too excited and way too positive for his liking. Which is peculiar, considering it was Tracy's lack of moping that made him feel more relaxed mere minutes ago. "I'm so happy you're out, why didn't you call me I would've picked you up?" She didn't give him time to answer before she spoke again. "Look, I'm so sorry that-"
"Listen, Vic, I'm not really up for chat right now."
She furrowed her brows at him intensely and folded her arms, almost as if she was ready to defend, to pry and to plead.
"What? Robert we have to talk about this all sooner or later, I need you to know that I'm-"
If Robert was less fond of his sister he'd of called her selfish, but he wasn't so he just let out a dismissive sigh.
"Later, then." He quipped. "I'm tired Vic, I'm going to get some sleep."
"Then we talk?" She looked to hopeful, so desperate and it tugged at his heartstrings a little, part of him wanted to stand his ground, bite out a snarky comment and avoid her all together, the other part of him felt bad and just wanted to stop her frowning with whatever it'd take.
"Maybe." He settled with that, she didn't seem as pleased but he dulled out whatever noise of complaint she made as he headed upstairs and shut her out behind his bedroom door.
He let the blankets swallow him as he flopped himself down, face breathing into his pillow that he recognized were freshly washed by Vic from the aggressive lavender radiating from them, he breathed it in, then out, then in again- found it annoyingly relaxing as he fell into long-overdue slumber.
He had managed two days before Victoria ambushed him. She burst into his room just after Harry's school-run with overly sweet hot chocolate (Just the way Robert likes it, mind.) and some toast, placed it on Robert's lap from where he was sat cross-legged dazing at nothing and settled herself right in front of him.
"You can't avoid me forever, Rob." She began, stern and displeased as she nudged the tray towards him and urged him to eat. "I know this isn't a pleasant situation to talk about, God knows I wish this didn't have to be happening, but it is." He had began to bite into his toast as she spoke. "I'm sorry, that you got the blame for John, but you're out now! Think of it as a fresh start-"
She was being enthusiastic in typical Victoria Sugden style, it made him scoff and she paused her speech in a surprised frustration. He made her wait until he had finished his toast until he contributed.
"If this is you hitting self destruct again-"
"No, Vic!" He spat. "This is me feeling like shit because the one person who's supposed to know me and have my back chose our psycho brother over me!"
"That's not fair." It probably wasn't, Vic had her reasons, but Robert has his too, he supposed.
"No. It's not."
Silence took over for a bit, Victoria stared at Robert meanwhile he couldn't look in her direction.
"I'm not going to blame you for not knowing about John, of course I'm not." She let out a breath of relief at that. "But I think I'm allowed to be angry at the fact that you refused to even hear me out, that you thought so low of me, completely just shut me out without a second thought-"
"I didn't know what to think!" She argued. "Of course I found it hard to believe that you'd purposefully hurt Aaron, but I don't know this new version of you, do I? You're so different now that you've gone to prison and your head's a wreck, you've lashed out at Harry and started so many petty fights with John- I thought it was an accident, but I didn't doubt that you did it because of how you've been lately. How angry you've been. Unpredictable!"
It was a fair argument, sure, Robert was a lot more stressed and frantic and snappy and easier to irritate- half because of prison and half because of John's hard work of getting into his head, but it felt like Victoria was using that against him now, to make her reasoning sound so easy at his expense.
"Vic, I can't do this now." He didn't know how to find the right words and frustrated tears were beginning to make his throat itch. "I need time, and space, to think about it all."
She huffed, impatient and eager to move things along at her own pace. Robert felt that he should really be selfish a bit more sometimes.
"You can't ask me not to be upset about this." He said when her expression got desperate, to which she hurriedly changed her face to a more gentle and sympathetic one.
"I know that, but can't we just forget about it and just appreciate that John's gone and we can get back to normal." She tried to grab at his hand but he flinched and pulled his arms closer around himself. She frowned deeply and scanned his eyes for some sort of tell that he was refusing to give her vocally.
"I don't think I can forget." He breathed out, shaky and tired and determined to hurry this conversation to its end. "Not this. Not yet."
"Robert, please"-
"Just go, Vic."
He had found Tracy where she said she'd be on her text, slouched into one of the cafe's sofa's with a mug in hand and one sat waiting for Robert.
"Hiya." She smiled out, "Nicola told me you were on the Americanos last time she checked, so-"
"Thanks. I appreciate it." He smiled out as he sat, leaning forward to grab his mug and take a sip of his drink.
"I take it you and Vic have had words since we last spoke, surely you can't stay hidden for three days."
"Yeah, she sort of ambushed me yesterday morning." He huffed. "It didn't exactly go the best, she wants me to forget about it so we can move on, but, you know."
"Yeah. Not that easy, really." She tutted. "She'll understand where you're coming from, she's still getting over it herself, people do it in different ways." He nods at that, before he gets the chance to say anything in response Chas walks in and then hesitantly but firmly makes her way straight to them.
"This looks cozy." Robert could've laughed at how predictable she was, the snotty tone in her voice oh-so familiar, he decided that probably would do him any favours though. "You two alright?" She asked, but she clearly wasn't too bothered if they were or not, just wanted to nose.
"As good as we can be, I suppose." Robert was glad Tracy opted to do the talking, he didn't have to energy to contribute much right now, especially not to Chas of all people.
"Look." She spoke, directly at Robert, making him shift uncomfortably under her gaze and lock eyes with her. "Aaron's getting discharged later today, he'll be moving back into the pub with me for the time being and obviously he'll soon be out and about 'round here and all." He squinted at her and tried to figure out what she was saying, couldn't help the increased thump of his heart at the mention of Aaron. Him getting out meant he was better, and that's all Robert wanted.
"I'm just saying, give him space." It wasn't as lightly said as it should be, it was cold and strict and Robert just hummed at her words.
"Don't worry. I'll stay away." He mumbled with a grin, knowing it would annoy Chas.
"I mean it Robert." She bit out as she pointed a finger at him and he had to lean back to be able to refocus his vision, his widened prideful eyes meeting her cold, glaring ones that were pressed into a shaky squint.
"So do I." He took a pleased sip of his Americano and sent a mocking look to Tracy which made her snort. Chas just looked confusedly between the two before grumbling and stepping up to the counter to order.
"Rude." Tracy scoffed. "She didn't even apologize to ya for how she was at the hospital." The defensive comment made Robert's heart warm, it felt nice for someone to have his back- it didn't happen often.
"That's nothing surprising." He mumbled. "At least I know Aaron's doing okay." He said the second bit quieter, Tracy hunched over and reassuringly patted his knee- something he caught Chas glaring at suspiciously in the corner of his eye.
"Are you gonna do as she said?" Tracy asked, intrigued and mischievous as she gave Robert a look that told him he should absolutely not do as his told.
"I need some time to myself, to be honest, I think it's best Aaron gets some too." She seemed surprised at that and Robert laughed. "I'm not all trouble you know!"
She glanced at him in farce judgement then snorted once again. "Nah, but it's fun when you are."