Stacks, Stacks, Stacks!

Ilya looked over what he had achieved. Thirty-five minutes, it had taken him: truly a testament to his ingenuity, dexterity, and stealth. It was a masterpiece that deserved to be displayed in a museum—shared with the world and admired by the masses for generations to come. Unfortunately, he wasn’t willing to give up Shane to anyone or for anything, even a cause as worthy as art. He would have to make do.

He pulled out his phone, snapped a photo, and sent it to the group chat.

The Squad

Aug 18, 2021 at 4:19 PM

Sveta

Hayden

Holy shit, is that like…a million tiny KitKats?

Ilya

Hazy told me Japan has many many KitKats, so I buy at least one bag of every flavor I see. The good ones I buy two or three. I had to buy extra luggage to fit all of them

Rose

How did Shane not wake up??? He’s SMOTHERED

Ilya

When my husband is tired enough a bomb can go off and he won’t wake up, and right now he is very very tired 😈

Hayden

Please don’t say any more

Rose

…I’m going to sanitize that couch before I sit on it next time I visit

Ilya

What, I only mean he is jet lagged

Hayden

Sure

Rose

Mmhmm suuuuure

Haha jinx

Sveta

I can’t believe you made a tower over his dick, those mini KitKats are so slippery

Ilya

Thank you my love, you alone understand my art

Rose

OK fr tho this is amazing, you can barely see him

Ilya

Please notice how I color coordinate. Roast matcha for torso, butter cookie (my favorite) for face, lemon for arms, sweet potato for left leg, raspberry for right leg, strawberry for penis.

I gave up trying to balance KitKat on nose, he almost woke up. Next time I pick something easier.

I have peach but that is obviously for ass so I need him to sleep on front to use that one

Also not sure how many I can stack on his ass, it is very round. I will need to plan carefully

Hayden

You need a hobby.

Ilya

This is hobby!

Hayden

Different hobby

Wyatt

HOLY SHIT ROZ!!!

SO MANY KITKATS

Ilya

I save two bags of raspberry for you, I give next time I see you

Wyatt

My fave, hell yes you rock

Ilya

Pike I also have strawberry KitKats for your kids, Ruby especially will like them I think

Hayden

…please don’t give my children the dick KitKats

Ilya

I am not monster. I have sealed bags for them

Shit shit he is waking up

Sveta

TAKE A VIDEO

Wyatt

Welcome back from your honeymoon, enjoy being embalmed in KitKats like a weird candy pharaoh!

4:37 PM

Husband Jane

Can I return my husband

Ilya

Sorry, you broke me you bought me

Husband Jane

Maybe exchange him?

Rose

I can see if Harry Styles is interested, we’re on Fallon together next week!

Ilya

NO HARRY STYLES IS MINE

Husband Jane

I’ll take Harry Styles or literally anyone who will pick up the two million KitKats that are on the floor and in the cracks between the couch cushions

Ilya

Harry doesn’t play hockey, he has no chance. Shane love hockey gods ONLY

Hayden

Bet you a dollar Shane doesn’t know who Harry Styles is.

Hey Shane, what does Harry Styles do?

Wyatt

Ooh good one. Roz make sure Shane doesn’t cheat!

Ilya

I watch 👀 he is giving me dirty look.

Rose

ANSWER THE QUESTION, SHANE

Sveta

The people must know what you think Harry Styles does.

Husband Jane

Didn’t he fuck his sister?

Sveta

WHAT

Wyatt

I don’t know what I expected but it was definitely not THAT.

Rose

BZZZZZZT WRONG!

Wyatt

This is better than anything I could’ve imagined.

Hayden

All of you owe me a dollar

Troy

Harris was laughing so hard he couldn’t breathe and told me to just check the group chat and I’m so lost.

Why does Shane think Harry Styles fucked his sister. Does he even have a sister??

Husband Jane

I MEANT HE PLAYED SOMEONE WHO FUCKS HIS SISTER

Character in TV show!

I do not think Harry Styles has actually fucked his sister!!!

Rose you cannot say this to Harry Styles.

I still don’t know who he is.

Ilya

Then keep guessing 🍿

Wyatt

Shane, did you think Harry Styles played Jaime Lannister in Game of Thrones?

Husband Jane

I guess? Maybe?? Leave me alone, I’m jet-lagged and my husband covered me in KitKats.

Harris

Shane, this is Harry Styles.

And this is Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, who played Jaime Lannister in Game of Thrones

Husband Jane

Ok so one of them is gay and one of them is a knight?

Ilya

The two genders, 1. Gay and 2. Knight who fucks his own sister.

Harris

He’s definitely not gay, he dated Taylor Swift. Mayyyyyybe bisexual?

Husband Jane

So Taylor Swift is a woman?

Sveta

OMG

Rose

OMGGGGG

Lol jinx

Troy

Roz you need to drag Shane out of his cave more often.

Wyatt

Yeah, is his skin getting suspiciously pale? Is he muttering constantly about his precious? Does he express a desire to eat only things that are rrrraw and wrrrriggling?

Sveta

Stop making fun of Gollum’s macrobiotic diet, it’s racist

Husband Jane

GUYS I was joking. Even I know who Taylor Swift is.

Hayden

Shane, buddy, with all due respect, I don’t know if I believe you.

Ilya

Hey, stop bullying my husband!

Husband Jane

Thank you, babe ❤️

Ilya

Only I get to do that

Husband Jane

Rose please definitely tell Harry I’m interested.

Rose

🫡 I won’t even tell him you think he’s a sisterfucker.

###

Get Chunked, Idiot

October 2021

It was Shane’s fault that they had two cats.

Okay, maybe it was also a little bit Wyatt’s fault.

It started when Wyatt came into morning practice congested and sneezy. It would go away by the time the games rolled around in the evening, so Ilya didn’t think much about it at first, but after a while Ilya noticed the weird fucking pattern.

“You are allergic to mornings, Hazy?” he asked one day in the locker rooms after morning skate.

Wyatt, who was seated on a bench and halfway out of his goalie gear, stopped blowing his nose into a tissue and said, “What?”

Ilya, hair still wet from the shower and towel wrapped around his waist, gestured at the wad of tissue in Wyatt’s hand. “Every day now for two weeks you come to morning skate sneezing, but by evening you are okay. Lisa blows dust into your face to wake you up?”

“Oh, that. Ha. No, Lisa’s not randomly torturing me with dust. It’s cats, actually.”

“I didn’t know you had cats,” said Shane, who’d just exited the showers.

“I don’t,” Wyatt replied, and blew his nose again. “I mean, I don’t normally. But a friend of ours moved to Singapore, and taking the cats with her was going to be a lot to put them through, between the flight and the long quarantine and everything else, so we’re fostering them for her until they can find new homes. And like, we’ve taken the cats in before when Suriya had to go on long trips, so the cats know us and like us. Unfortunately, some time between now and the last time we had them over, I’ve developed a cat allergy.”

“Wow, you’re a good friend, Hazy,” Shane said as he moved to his stall and started pulling out his street clothes. “This doesn’t look fun.”

“Nah, it’s fine. I’m taking antihistamines, it just sucks a little in the morning because one of them loves to sleep on my face.”

Ilya stared at Wyatt. “Why do you let the cat sleep on your face, Hazy? This is crazy behavior.”

Wyatt snorted. It sounded to Ilya a little like a walrus mating call he heard once in a nature documentary. He looked up at Ilya and Shane with slightly watery eyes. “Have you tried stopping a cat from doing something they’re absolutely determined to do? It’s not really Chunk’s fault, anyway. He slept on my face in the past with no trouble, so now he thinks he’s always allowed to. We’ve established a precedent. It’s fine, it’s only temporary.”

“I will never let cat sleep on my face,” Ilya said.

Shane, who was pulling his t-shirt over his head, gave a small disbelieving laugh and said, his voice muffled, “Like fuck you won’t.”

“Hey! I heard that,” Ilya said, pointing a finger at Shane and watching with regret as his abs were covered. Ilya would correct that as soon as they were home.

“Please. If Anya wanted to sleep on your face you’d absolutely let her.”

Ilya could feel it—his face rearranging into the hopelessly fond expression every time he thought of Anya, or if someone so much as mentioned her name. “That is different. That is Anya, not some cat.”

Shane raised an eyebrow and smirked. It was extremely unfair of him to use Ilya’s own facial expressions against him. Being in love was terrible. It made Ilya’s heart feel soft and sticky all the time, like he had a bowl of hot porridge in his chest, and it made him like it when his spouse made fun of him. It was like being bullied, except by his own emotions.

“If we ever get a cat,” Shane said, “and that cat wants to sleep on your face, you one hundred percent would let it.”

Ilya scoffed. “No way. Cats are evil. Also much less cute than dogs.”

“I don’t know, man, these cats are real cute,” Wyatt cut in. “One’s really smart and does tricks. The other is super chill and just wants to sleep on you. You’ll meet them when you come to dinner tomorrow.”

“But they are evil,” Ilya said.

“I mean, Lucy is maybe a little bit evil, but only in the way really, really smart people are sometimes a little evil. She can’t help it, she just wants to find out everything, and sometimes evil consequences follow. Chunk is evil only if loving a four-hour nap is evil.” Wyatt blew his nose again. “You’ll see when you meet them.”

###

As soon as they stepped through the door at Wyatt and Lisa’s house, a small black cat with enormous green eyes trotted up to them, looked them both in the face, and made a noise that sounded exactly like a gate with a rusty hinge.

“What the fuck is this?” Ilya asked as Shane dropped to his knees, ostensibly to untie his shoelaces, but clearly to offer his hand for the cat to sniff.

“That’s Lucy,” said Wyatt from the couch in the living room to their left, the top of his head just visible. Their house had an open-concept layout: the entry, living room, dining room and kitchen were basically one giant room, because modern contractors were allergic to building walls. “She’s our kitty greeting committee. You have to pass the sniff test. I’d come over and say hey but Chunk has me pinned down pretty good.”

“You need to oil her,” Ilya said as she gave another weird creaky meow. She was aggressively rubbing her face against Shane’s hand, and then his legs, and then his hand again. She looked over at Ilya, squeaked, and bumped her head against the leg closest to her. “You did not tell us she is kitten.”

“She’s fully grown, just real small, and she has perma-kitten voice. Don’t underestimate her, though. She’s six pounds but she punches way above her weight.”

“Hey, Lucy,” Shane said, and ran his hand down her back. She arched into his touch and made a weird trill that reminded Ilya of a shitty toy gun he had when he was young that was supposed to make exciting pew-pew laser noises when he pulled the trigger but instead sounded like whatever the fuck Lucy was doing now. “I’m gonna take my shoes off now, okay?”

“I don’t think Lucy understands English, Shane,” Ilya said.

“Oh, I wouldn’t bet on that,” said Wyatt.

Just as Shane finished untying his laces and moved to stand up, Lucy jumped onto his shoulder.

“Uh,” said Shane.

“Your cat is on top of my husband, Hazy, do I need to fight her for his honor?”

“Oh, she’s a pro at riding shoulders,” Lisa said as she walked down from the stairs to their right. “Hey guys! I see you’ve met Lucy. Just stand up normally. She’ll keep her balance.”

As Shane stood up carefully, Lucy perched on his shoulder like the world’s largest and weirdest fucking parrot, Lisa came over to give them quick hugs. “Takeout should be here in fifteen minutes. I’m so excited about this new Szechuan place.”

“Babe, can you come free me?” Wyatt called out from the couch, sounding completely pathetic. “I’ve been Chunked.”

“I will free you,” said Ilya. “I need to see this famous Chunk.”

As they walked over to the couch, Ilya looked over at Shane and saw Lucy settling down onto his shoulder. She looked like a loaf of bread, if bread loaves were black as midnight with gooseberry green eyes. She nuzzled his ear, and as she did that, a look dawned in Shane’s eyes. A certain wide-eyed delight.

Ilya sighed internally and braced himself to tell Shane no to the question that he would almost certainly ask when they got home.

It took Ilya a moment to realize that what he thought was an orange rug on Wyatt’s lap was, in fact, the cat. Chunk wasn’t just asleep, he was sprawled flat on his back, so huge and so furry that Ilya had trouble making out where his head was.

“Chunk, say hello to hockey legends Ilya Rozanov and Shane Hollander.” Wyatt picked up a limp paw and waggled it. The cat did not stir, not even when Wyatt dropped the leg. “Hockey legends Ilya Rozanov and Shane Hollander, please meet Chunk.”

“It is alive?” Ilya said skeptically.

“I mean, can’t you hear the snoring?”

There was, in fact, a soft rhythmic buzzing sound. “That is cat? I thought that was TV.”

“Nope, that’s El Chunkerino. Okay, so you can basically pick him up however you want. He’s really sweet and really chill. Just make sure you support his butt because he’s a hefty boy.”

Chunk finally blinked awake when Ilya scooped him up. He was even heavier than Ilya expected, and because of how Ilya had picked him up, it was easiest to cradle him like a baby.

“Mrow,” said Chunk. He seemed completely unfazed by his change in circumstances. His eyes were as orange as his fur, except they had a wavy crackly pattern to them, like a river rock. He stretched, and Wyatt was right, he was a big cat, very very big, then settled back in Ilya’s arms and began grooming one paw.

He was so big and warm and soft. Ilya didn’t know that he’d ever held anything this soft.

“You gonna put him down any time soon, Ilya?” Shane asked, a stupid little smirk on his face that was matched exactly by the smug look on Lucy’s face.

“Shh, it’s okay, Ilya got Chunked. It happens to the best of us.” Wyatt slapped Ilya on his back and walked past them. “Hey you guys want a drink? Ginger ale for you, Hollzy?”

“I did not get Chunked, Russians are immune to this,” said Ilya, swinging around to follow Wyatt. In his arms, Chunk began to purr.

“I do want to point out you’re still holding Chunk,” said Shane.

“You can set him down anywhere,” said Lisa. “Chair, floor, wherever. He’ll probably still be there when we’re done with dinner.”

“But he is so comfortable,” said Ilya as they walked towards the kitchen. He wasn’t sure if he meant Chunk looked like he felt comfortable in Ilya’s arms, or that Ilya felt comfortable holding Chunk. He’d always thought Anya was the softest, but he was wrong. Still the cutest, of course. Nothing and nobody could be cuter than Anya, not even Shane. But Chunk was softer. That was just objective fact.

Lisa sighed and shook her head. “Not even ten minutes in, and he’s been terminally Chunked.”

“Chunked him from orbit,” said Wyatt. “It was the only way to make sure.”

Shane just kept smirking silently, which was, somehow, worse than chirping. On his shoulder, Lucy rammed her little head against his ear; Shane reached up a hand and scratched the back of her neck.

###

Later that night, as they settled in bed with Anya at their feet, Shane turned to Ilya and said, “So. You got Chunked pretty good, huh?”

“Oh, says the man who had a cat on his shoulder all night?”

“Hey, I liked Lucy from the beginning and never said otherwise. You like her, too! Don’t try to pretend you don’t.”

Ilya blew out a breath. “Okay. She is pretty good cat. Maybe a little evil. But very, very cute. Very smart.”

“She knows how to give high-fives, and roll over, and play dead, she plays fetch—I’m pretty sure she knows more tricks and commands than Anya.”

Anya’s ears perked up at the mention of her name. “Sweetheart, do not listen to this slander,” Ilya said to Anya, scratching her cheek with his big toe. She gave a happy huff. “You are much smarter than any cat.”

“I’m really not sure about that. I think Lucy is smarter than most of the people we know.”

Ilya leveled a look at his beloved husband. “Shane. Most of the people we know are hockey players.”

Shane laughed, and looked so cute while he did it that Ilya couldn’t resist leaning over and kissing that smiling mouth. One kiss led to another, and pretty soon Ilya had a very gratifying handful of husbandly tit in his hand, but then Shane pulled away with a little gasp and said, “Hey, I’m trying to talk to you about something here! Stop trying to distract me.”

“No, you stop trying to distract me, Mr. Perfect Tits and Perfect Ass,” Ilya said, switching to kissing Shane’s jaw and neck.

“Ilya,” Shane said warningly. “I’m serious.”

Ilya stopped but didn’t pull away, just released a big sigh against Shane’s neck and tucked his face into his favorite spot at the juncture where Shane’s neck met his shoulder. “Okay. We talk.”

“I mean, what do you think? We’d be doing Hazy a favor, and…I don’t know, I’ve kind of fallen in love with Lucy, and it’s been a while since I’ve had a cat….”

“You are cat person?” Ilya raised his head and propped himself on one elbow. “How come I never know this?”

Shane smiled a little. “I don’t know, I guess it never really came up? We had cats when I was growing up.”

“But Yuna and David don’t have cats now.”

“Yeah, it’s kind of sad why they don’t, actually.”

“You will make me cry?”

Shane shoved Ilya’s shoulder. “Probably not, you dork. So, okay, we had a cat named Hobbes, and he was the best cat. Loved everybody, knew his name and came when we called. He could tell when you were sick or sad and cuddle with you. But dad was always his favorite. Like, wherever Hobbes was and whatever he was doing, he’d run to the door as soon as he heard dad walking up. If dad was in the house, he’d be glued to him. When he died, dad was like, well, no point in having another cat. It wouldn’t be fair, because there was no way they could measure up against the best cat of all time. Mom likes to joke that Hobbes was dad’s soulmate, but I don’t think that was a joke, really, to dad.”

Ilya felt his heart clench, which was ridiculous. He was feeling sad over a cat he had never met. “Your dad would love Chunk.”

“Oh yeah, dad would get Chunked immediately, no question. But he’d love Lucy, too. So anyway, I was thinking.” Shane’s eyes gleamed in the way they always did when he had come up with a plan and was plotting five moves ahead of everyone else. Very sexy to Ilya, if sometimes terrifying. “We could take Lucy and Chunk on a trial basis. We don’t know if they’ll get along with Anya, right? Or how Anya is going to behave around cats. So we do a slow introduction. We have my parents over to meet them, maybe help us with them a little. If Lucy and Chunk don’t work out with Anya, maybe mom and dad will take them. And if they do get along, dad would love to catsit when we’re away.”

Ilya thought this over. On the one hand, he’d ended the night covered in orange fur. On the other hand…he still could not believe how soft Chunk was. How sweet. He’d spent most of the night curled up on Ilya’s lap, purring and nuzzling into Ilya’s hand whenever he pet him. And Lucy was so clever, and the way Shane looked at her….

Ilya groaned, long and low, and fell onto his back. “Okay, fine. We try, but only so Hazy stops sneezing all the time, yes?”

Shane leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. “You’re so selfless. I love you so much.”

Ilya glared at Shane. “No, you love Lucy. Finally, you fall in love with woman, and she is a fucking cat.”

Shane reached down and tweaked his nipple. “I don’t know, you still have your charms.”

“Charms?” Ilya surged up and pinned Shane’s arms against the bed. “Charms? Is that what you call my—”

“Shut up, Rozanov,” said Shane, wriggling out of Ilya’s grasp and pulling his head down for a kiss.

They didn’t argue for a long time after that. Their mouths were too full.

###

The Squad

Dec 12, 2021 at 12:42 PM

Hayden

Ok kind of impressed by this one, actually. How did you get them all to stack?

Ilya

Chunk is easy. If you lie down, he immediately wants to sleep on top of you.

Wyatt

Can confirm, he’s a free stacking piece. Like a free Bingo square, but a cat, and for stacking.

Hayden

So what, Lucy just goes and lies on top of Chunk??

Ilya

I trained her. She will do anything for freeze-dried chicken liver.

Sveta

Ilya.

Ilya

Sveta, my love.

Sveta

You’ve been teaching your small cat to sleep on top of your big cat. So you can stack cats on top of your sleeping husband.

Ilya

Only you are able to appreciate purity and beauty of my vision.

Sveta

And also, I’m assuming, to accept having things stacked on top of her.

Ilya

She will do anything for freeze-dried liver. Anything.

Rose

I do love that it’s just cats on cats on cats. That’s…a cat stuffie on top of Lucy? And then a cat figurine? And another, even smaller cat figurine on top of that?

Ilya

The smallest one is eraser shaped like cat. Lucy does not like heavy things on top of her. Also she does not stay still for long, so nothing breakable.

Troy

Every time I open this group chat, I see things.

Ilya

What, you do not like seeing my husband covered in pussy?

Troy

NOT WHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY, NO