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Since arriving in Camelot almost a decade ago, Merlin had grown accustomed to the variety of insults that had been thrown at him. He simply rolled his eyes and quietly moved on. His whole life he had endured teasing and taunts from others. After a while the sting wore off, and it just became normal for him. However, everyone has their limit and Merlin certainly had his.
Arthur and the knights were no different from any other grouping of men. They were close, they laughed, joked, and talked about anything. Merlin was usually welcomed into these conversations even though he may not have a great deal to contribute, he still appreciated that they tried to include him. Unless the topic of women came up which invariably segued into discussions of sex. There was something in the knight’s code about respect and conduct toward women which is what all the knights had certainly. However, they were still young, unmarried men and whatever liaisons they had were done discreetly and only talked about amongst the other knights. Discretion was Arthur’s express command.
However, Merlin was forever being barred from those talks. Whenever he was in a hearing distance, someone would say, “Not in front of Merlin” or “He’s too innocent.” The conversation would either continue in whispers, or they would simply move to a new location.
Merlin was left feeling humiliated. They were treating him like a child even though he wasn’t that much younger than them. The sad truth was that everyone from Arthur to the knights, to the stable boys at the palace knew that Merlin had never been in a relationship. Between serving Arthur and destiny, Merlin had no time for one. And if he was being honest, it would be too dangerous.
It wasn’t for absence of desire either. They were a lot of young and pretty serving girls who had befriended Merlin over the years, and he found himself attracted to several. Sometimes he felt that the feelings were mutual, but he dared not let himself dwell on those possibilities. The closer people got to him the riskier the danger was. He could never hurt anyone like that.
So, as far as Merlin could put together, it seemed that his lack of relationships plus his lack of pursuit must equate to a kind of mental and sexual delayment. Only actual experience could lead to real understanding and merit inclusion into the conversations amongst Arthur and his knights.
Merlin could only take so much and finally during a rest on a patrol, he hit his breaking point.
He had just returned from feeding the horses when he could hear laughter from the campfire. Gwaine was telling some animated story using his most familiar words - tavern, mead and women. Before Merlin had a chance to even process what the story was pertaining to (and he didn’t have to think long on it), Arthur looked up and immediately said, “Stop, not in front of Merlin.”
The men stopped talking, but the laughter couldn’t be contained. Anger surged throughout Merlin with such a force that for a moment he was afraid his magic would be released. His heart started to pound, and he wanted nothing more than to scream, but years of practiced self-control kept him together.
“Oh, don’t stop on my account,” he said as he walked past them.
“Just watching out for your innocence,” said Gwaine, which only heightened the men’s humor.
Finally, Merlin’s magic broke through. A tree branch snapped and fell where the horses were gathered. One of the horses reared and started to run off.
“Wonderful,” thought Merlin.
“I’ll get him,” he said and ran off, leaving the knights to finish their ‘adult conversation.’
~ ~ ~
“It’s all right,” Merlin said as he approached Leon’s horse, Atlas, “I’m here.” He reached out and stroked him on his head. Atlas gave into his warm gesture and pressed his head against Merlin’s.
“Good boy,” Merlin whispered.
Thankfully, Atlas hadn’t run far, but Merlin wished he could have run a little farther. Away from Arthur, the knights, and their condescending attitudes. He didn’t want to return. He didn’t want to go back and must pretend that everything was alright. Merlin wrapped his arm around Atlas’ neck and buried his face into his mane. He took a deep breath to try and calm himself, will himself to go back to the campsite. However, the willpower was depleted and instead he could feel tears coursing down his face.
“Better here than back with Arthur and the knights”
He tried to stop the tears, but they kept coming. Years of suppressed anger and fear finally came to the surface and finally broke him down.
“If only I could tell them or even if they could at least ask,” he said to himself or Atlas, “Do they really just see me as just a servant who has no life plans outside his duty?”
He tried to calm down his breathing. Some many thoughts were running through his head, and he felt like he couldn’t keep up with them.
No one had ever asked Merlin if he ever wanted to get married or have children. And if they had, Merlin would say yes, but it could never happen. First, he was an illegitimate child who had never been claimed by his father. That already put him on the bottom rung of society. Although he was the manservant to the king, his wages were not enough to support a family. And where would they live? Certainly not in Gaius’ chambers.
Then he considered the deep secret part of himself. His magic alone could be detrimental. What woman could accept a sorcerer as a husband? He could never be in a marriage where he had to hide his magic.
Would his potential children also be born with magic?
If he had sons, would they also be dragonlords?
What about his daughters? Would they be sought out by priestesses who would destroy their innocence for selfish gain?
And the truth was Merlin wanted to be a father so badly that it was almost painful knowing it would never come to be. How he wanted to have small children playing in his arms where they knew they would always be safe. To teach them about life and the most honorable way to live. Sons or daughters? It didn’t matter to him. They would be his and that was more than enough.
His tears had slowed down, but the aching in his chest had grown stronger as he remembered Gwaine’s callous remark, “Just watching out for your innocence.”
What was innocence? Merlin knew he was far from innocent in a moral sense. He had more blood on his hands than most soldiers. He had witnessed extreme horrors that was the stuff of true nightmares. He had lied and stolen and manipulated people, many of them good people to carry out his duty and destiny. No, Merlin knew full well that he was not innocent.
Physically, yes. Merlin was still a virgin, and people were immensely aware of this fact. Which was interesting because no one had ever asked Merlin about it. It was just assumed. And unfortunately, he had been living off people’s assumptions his whole life.
And did people just assume that he was happy with his status?
His thought process had started to steady out, and Merlin realized that he wasn’t crying anymore, but he probably looked as bad as he felt. Suddenly Atlas whinnied and Merlin heard someone behind him.
~ ~ ~
“Are you alright?” came Leon’s warm calming voice
Merlin let out a quiet sigh. Of course it would be Leon that would follow him; after all it was his horse that got away.
“Yes, said Merlin shortly still not looking at him, “Atlas is alright.”
“I’m not asking about Atlas I’m asking about you. You’re clearly upset.”
Incredible. That knight’s perception was on a whole other level compared to the rest of Camelot. And Merlin knew that if he tried to say something his voice would choke. And if he looked at Leon than it was all over. He had no choice and there was no getting out of it. In the emotional state that he was in lying to Leon would just give everything away. Merlin wiped his eyes and turned towards him.
Leon’s face was filled with concern, and his eyes held a safety and security that Merlin desperately needed now. Ironic that when Merlin first met Leon, he had been somewhat afraid of him. Standing well over 6 feet tall with a demeanor that bordered on severe. His life was duty to king and country, and no one could sway him from it. Merlin admired that about him; after all he did tell Arthur off when he complained about the special treatment he received during the jousting practice so many years before. That news had made the rounds all over the palace. And even though Arthur was hard pressed to admit it at the time, he knows he owed Leon his life and a much-needed lesson in humility.
Merlin steadied his breath, “it’s really not a big deal.”
Leon was silent for a second and focused his gaze harder on Merlin as if trying to solve a riddle. Then he finally spoke.
“Is it what Gwaine and Arthur said?”
Merlin let out a sigh, “Was my frustration really that obvious?”
Leon offered him a small smile, “I’ve noticed that when you get angry your spine straightens and you focus your gaze ahead. Like you’re fighting something within you.”
“Well, I’m surprised anyone would notice my reaction given how hard everyone was laughing,” vented Merlin, with more aggression than he intended, “I’m not asking to be brought into the conversations. You can ignore me, I really don’t care, but you don’t have to point out my…delayment and continue treating like an ignorant child.”
He took a deep breath, “I know… you…you all have loads of…experience and I..I don’t, but it doesn’t mean that I’m completely void of actual emotions and feelings that can drive me to madness. It’s certainly not for lack of desire that I’ve never been with a woman.”
The pain of his confession prevented Merlin from continuing. Now it was Leon that took a deep breath, “Look, I actually understand-“
“I appreciate your concern,” Merlin interrupted, “but you don’t need to lie just to make me feel better.”
“That’s the thing,” Leon interjected, “I understand.”
~ ~ ~
Merlin stared at him for a second. Leon looked a little apprehensive as if this was a difficult confession, one that he had made before, but didn’t make it any less hard to admit.
“You have never been…with a woman?” Merlin whispered.
He was certainly surprised at this. Sir Leon, first knight and (since Arthur married) the most desired man in all of Camelot was admitting that he had never slept with a woman. Was by all accounts a virgin like himself.
Leon sighed, “No, and it’s not for lack of desire as you put it. It’s more prevention of past generational mistakes.”
Merlin gave him a confused look.
Leon took a deep breath and reached to stroke Atlas’ mane.
“Not a lot of people know this, but I’m an illegitimate child. My father had an affair with a young servant girl and I was the product. His parents were furious and the girl was immediately dismissed. My father felt terrible guilt for what he had done. They had been childhood friends, and he feared he ruined her life. He couldn’t marry the girl, but he secretly helped her. Then when I was 3 months old, she put me in my father’s arms and left. He never saw her again. I’ve never met her.”
Leon stopped and stared off into a distance. Merlin felt that this was the first time that Leon had told the complete truth about his birth.
“My grandfather eventually warmed to me, and I was raised in their home, but my father couldn’t claim me. I accepted that from an early age. My father married a lovely woman that I considered my mother for the short period of time she was alive. She died giving birth to my younger sister Enid, who followed her shortly afterwards. My father never remarried and his grief was overwhelming.”
Merlin didn’t realize that he had been holding his breath while Leon laid out his whole life story.
I came to Camelot when I was 12 to train as a knight. I may have been a bastard child, but I was still a nobleman’s bastard. I was glad to get away from the sadness of my home. I worked hard, stayed out of trouble and primarily out of the taverns. Remembering what happened between my parents and what it did to my mother and by extension me, an unclaimed child forever reminded of who he was, I vowed I would never be with a woman until I got married.”
“Was it difficult?” Merlin asked
Leon let out a chuckle, “As a young boy it could be, but the strict upbringing from my grandfather and my father’s sorrow for losing both women he loved, grounded me.”
“At least you knew both of them,” said Merlin, remembering his short but blessed time he spent with his father.
“You know that I’m an illegitimate child too.”
Leon nodded, “It can be hard to talk about. Were you and your mother treated badly?”
“Oh no” Merlin said, “I was very fortunate, like…well like you.”
It was true. Even though Merlin had grown up without a father, Ealdor was a town that couldn’t afford petty judgement on their citizens. Merlin was loved by his mother who was respected by the people there. Really, up until now, he never realized how truly fortunate he had been with his childhood.
“Wait,” Merlin said suddenly, “You’re said you’re an illegitimate child, but you’re lord of Wessyck Manor, so your father eventually claimed you?”
Leon shook his head, “My grandfather did. My father died when I was 16. We’re not sure what happened. The maid walked into his room, and he was lying dead in his bed. He was in a horrible state near the end of his life. Consumed by grief and guilt. And a brother who betrayed our family and went to serve Cenred instead. My father’s mind was all but gone because he had provided no legitimate heir to the family.”
Suddenly holding Balinor in his arms when he died, seemed very comforting to Merlin. He had no idea how tragic Leon’s young life was. But a lot of who he was now was beginning to make sense. His dedication, his duty, the constant enforcement of the rules, to live a life that was the complete embodiment of the knight’s code. Leon’s childhood both tragic and fragile was a path set for him to become the first knight of Camelot and the greatest keeper of its most sacred code.
Seems like Leon had his own destiny to fulfill first with his family and then his country.
“My grandfather claimed me shortly after I was knighted. He said he was proud of what I had managed to accomplish. And he was saddened that his son, my father was so heavily troubled. If he been allowed to claim me in my childhood and put his fear of providing an heir at ease, he may still have been alive.”
Merlin had a heard many stories’ of knights over the years, but Leon’s was personal and painful but filled with so much unexpected hope. His decision of celibacy to stay the course in his unpredictable young life was admirable.
“It seems like you have no regrets for your decision.”
“It hasn’t always been easy. The longing to be with a woman, especially one that you feel you could spend the rest of your life with, can be painful; but in all honesty, I have faced worst tragedies.”
Merlin smiled because he understood all too well.
“And if it’s any consolation,” Leon continued, “I don’t think you’re delayed in any way. I’ve remained celibate my whole life and it’s allowed my mind to remain focused on what’s important. Compare that to Gwaine who we all know is not celibate and look how addled his brain is.”
Merlin laughed because it was so very true. Laughter finally allowed relief to course through him. All the doubts and fears he had about himself were put to rest by Leon. What had happened 20 minutes before seemed so small and insignificant. He now felt a little embarrassed.
“Well,” he said as he wiped his eyes, “Thank you for your help and I guess crying about this whole issue seems rather shameful and ridiculous now.”
Leon gave him an understanding look “No, not at all. You have every right to be angry and frustrated with us. We’ve been treating you like a child and I of all people should have known better and should have said something sooner. And for that I’m sorry.”
Merlin reflected on that for a moment. Once again Leon effortlessly proving his worth as a man and knight by humbling himself; first admitting his wrongs and then asking forgiveness.
He could smile and nod his head as his acceptance.
“Good,” Leon said as he took Atlas’ reigns, “Now that I’ve poured out my whole life sob story to you, we should probably head back.”
On the walk back through the woods, Merlin felt an immense weight lift off his shoulders. Having to hide his magic was hard enough. Having to navigate his intense emotions regarding love, marriage and family was added weight. While he hadn’t been able to tell Leon the whole truth about his hesitancy to marry, he had confessed enough to at least clear his mind.
“Do you want to get married and have a family?” asked Leon
Merlin stopped in his tracks. Did he just ask that question?
“Uhm..yes..actually I would like to get married,” he said trying to recover quickly, “I would really like children, but just right now…isn’t the best time. Arthur keeps me too busy and I do love Camelot, but I don’t want to raise a family in the Citadel. I would much rather have my children grow up in Ealdor. Growing up around my mother, I think that’s the best thing I can give her for all she’s done for me. So really, I’m not in a good position to get married right now.”
There was whole other part to that conversation as to why Merlin was putting off marriage, but he felt that what he had given was truth enough.
“You would be a good father,” Leon remarked, “children love being around you. “And” he smiled, “I don’t think you’ll be too hard put to find a wife either. At the palace almost all the young women between the ages of 15 and 25 are crazy about you.”
Merlin stared at him, “What?”
“It’s true,” Leon laughed, “We overhear the serving girls talking all the time about King Arthur’s…how do they put it…tall, handsome manservant.”
Merlin felt the heat rush up to his face. After years of being in Arthur’s shadow and then followed by the knights, he never thought anyone noticed him.
So, the feelings were mutual after all.
“What about you?” he asked, “I’m sure there are plenty of parents wanting their daughters married off to you.”
He sighed, “Yes, there are. It’s really exhausting at times; I’m not going to lie. Gwen may not remember this, but when we were young, we pretended to get married and that one day we would live in the palace.”
He smiled at the memory.
“Well, half of that dream came true,” Merlin said as they approached the camp, “You both are living at the palace.”
Leon smiled, “You never know how things turn out.”
Yes, because that’s called destiny
~ ~ ~
There must have been a private discussion between Arthur and Leon, because the teasing of Merlin regarding ‘his innocence’ stopped. He was no longer barred from the conversations or made to feel left out. He could come and go as he pleased.
Merlin may have hit a breaking point, but it turned out to be an unexpected healing point that he would always carry with him. He never forgot his conversation in the forest with Leon, whose honesty and vulnerability made such an impact.
And Merlin did eventually marry later in life to a wonderful woman and fathered a lovely little girl who played in his arms where she knew she would always be safe. She would never know the persecution of the magic users, she would never be pursued by priestesses, she would grow up in Ealdor close to her grandmother Hunith and for a time she knew nothing of Emrys or the greatest sorcerer. Only of her dear father, Merlin.