Chapter Text
Romance is one of the most pointless endeavors that someone can pursue.
That’s what Shadow has told himself for years and years now. It’s not like he’s had much reason to believe otherwise. I mean, just take a look around!
All the best songs are about having your heart stomped on.
All the best movies show two people going through hell for it!
Sure, you could probably find plenty of songs or movies that aren’t about heartbreak, but for every one you find, there are at least 5 more songs about how someone put themselves through torture for nothing. And for some reason, even after there is so much documentation about how romance emotionally (and sometimes physically) tears a person apart, people still yearn for it!
Shadow's seen too many people in his life go through so many trials and tribulations for 'the sake of love'… Rouge and Knuckles are a cute couple, but how many times did they have to argue and fight before that? Before they were dating, Silver and Espio would run in circles around each other for months, both of them misreading signs from the other and just digging themselves into deeper, unnecessary holes. Hell, Amy had a huge crush on Sonic and did damn near anything for the guy without ever having it reciprocated! Sure, she and Metal Sonic are together now, but that was after Amy nearly gave up on the entire concept of love!
All in all, Shadow seriously doesn’t get the excitement of ‘finding your other half’ if that other half is in a spiked pit of death. Is it really worth the pain if you know that something that good will someday end?
But maybe some of Shadow’s cynicism towards the idea comes from the fact that his other half is forever unobtainable…
And more annoyingly, it’s because of that other half, that Shadows now lying in alone in a flower field of his own tears. (Literally.)
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.
──────
He knew something was different about that blue bastard the moment he laid eyes on him that night… Such a free spirit… A strong understanding of himself, and steadfast conviction in his beliefs… Even after Shadow tried to destroy the world, Sonic still looked at him like he was someone worth believing in.
Shadow should’ve known he was doomed then and there.
He had really tried to get rid of his feelings by locking them away. Trying to drain the ocean, but every time he thought he got it all, Sonic had extended his hand after a fight with that damn smirk of his, and Shadow would find himself drowning in it again.
Eventually, he just stopped trying to fight it. Shadow was stubborn, but even he knew this was a lost cause… If only his heart shared the same sentiment.
But he couldn’t say he was terribly unhappy with his current relationship with Sonic. Playing the begrudging rival/frenemy who’d challenge him as much as he challenged him. It was safe. It was comfortable…
It was a role that hid enough, so Sonic would never be aware of his disgusting feelings.
The two ran through the woods outlining Green Hills like it was a dance they had both practiced their whole lives. Weaving through the trees, jumping over roots, and still having time to egg each other on. Sonic would send a jab to Shadow, and Shadow would send one right back. An intricate highwire routine. Sometimes they’d lean too far to one side or the other, but they always found their balance again.
“Oh, c’mon, I thought you were supposed to be the ‘Ultimate Lifeform’, don’t tell me you’re getting slow on me, old man!”
“Please, I know your 100% couldn’t handle even my 30%. But if you’re so confident…”
Shadow surged ahead, glaring at Sonic with a confident smirk. To which Sonic’s eyes widened for a moment, but his face quickly brightened with determination as he picked up speed as well. An ebb and flow.
“Now that’s the Shadow I like to see!”
A compliment. Something that Sonic would say to any one of his other friends. Nothing exclusive to Shadow’s presence. And thus, he shouldn’t take it any more seriously than any of the other nonsense Sonic spouted on a whim.
His rival liked to unknowingly test him like this… Comments like:
“We really need to hang out more, Shads!”
Or
“Missed your face, faker!”
Or Shadow’s least favorite…
“Ah, Shads! I was hoping you’d show up!”
He knew they weren’t meant to be deeper than a surface-level comment of appreciation, but his heart liked to convince him that there was even a THOUSANDTH of a percent possibility that Sonic returned his feelings. An illogical conclusion from a delusional hedgehog who can’t leave the station, even when he knows that the train will never arrive.
At least not for him.
They were neck and neck now, moving with the rhythm of the forest and their own momentum. Sometimes separating yards apart, and sometimes they were close enough to hear each other’s breath. It took nerves of steel for one to not give in to the temptation of breaking out of the cycle…
Nerves that Shadow didn’t have in that moment.
It wasn’t an egregious mistake, no, it was honestly barely even supposed to exist outside the millisecond it happened. But against his own better judgement, Shadow snuck a glance at his opposite. A carefree smile that rarely knew of doubt, confident eyes that were set on the path in front of him, and those sky-blue quills that could brighten up the darkest night. It nearly took the breath out of Shadow’s lungs.
You’d fail him. Just like you failed her.
What?
Shadows' brow furrowed as the sudden voice chimed in his head, and like a switch flipped, his heart suddenly felt like it had been stabbed by an invisible dagger. An unprompted sorrow flooded inside of him from the wound.
And as if the universe hadn’t already thrown him a massive curveball, Shadow’s foot caught on a stray root and faceplanted into the ground.
Spitting out some dirt, Shadow muttered curses under his breath at his carelessness. Rubbing his head as he tried to blink the stars out of his vision… But they wouldn’t go away.
Clink, clink
An unnatural, almost melodic sound came from underneath, and looking down, he noticed tiny... crystals...? They were falling onto the ground, one by one, each producing that same chime as they hit the dirt… And more concerningly, they were seemingly coming from… Shadow?
“What the…?”
Putting a hand under his eye, he caught one of the small crystals as it fell out of his eye. Examining it for a brief moment, it hadn’t looked like any kind of stone Shadow had seen before, but then again, Shadow had never cried out a crystal… Whenever he did cry, it was usually the standard, y'know, tears… this was… weird… Even for Shadow.
Even more so (well, maybe not more so, I mean, crystal crying is hard to top) is why Shadow was even crying at all. I mean, he’s cried before, but that was always in private and for… various reasons. Shadow’s never been one to suddenly break down in tears like this out of the blue. Especially after looking at something as enchanting as…
“Hey, Shads? You okay?? Where’d you go…?”
Right, Sonic was still here… He’d have to unpack this later; he didn’t need to have Sonic of all people worrying about him. Pushing the strange crystal tears out of sight, Shadow stood up off the ground and brushed the dirt out of his fur.
“Seems I was distracted by your poor running form and missed a loose root.”
He coolly replied, signalling Sonic to where he was. The blue blur was next to him in an instant with a look of concern
He’s giving you the same treatment he’d give anyone else in danger, that’s all he sees you as, after all. Just another damn mess he has to clean up.
Shadow’s brow furrowed as the voice from before came back, and a deep, suudden shame washed over him, and even worse, the same sadness threatened to make itself known again. It took everything in him to keep it down, almost trying to forcibly kill it with nothing but his will. He was close to just punching the closest thing to him when he felt a hand lightly jab him in his shoulder.
“...and you criticize me for being unperceptive… Er- uh, Shads…?
Sonic was talking… Shadow had zoned out, again. He needs to get out of here before he does something stupid. Crossing his arms tightly, too tightly, and rolling his eyes at the other's comment.
Ebb and flow. Find the ebb and flow.
“I never said I never make mistakes, hedgehog. You simply make more amateur ones than I do.”
Shadow shot back, rolling his neck as he felt a throbbing pain starting to appear where he fell. His reply didn’t seem to fully satisfy Sonic, but it did take some of the pity out of his expression.
“Psh, think of it more as me leveling out the playing field between us. Nah, but seriously, you okay, man? I know how it feels to fall at Mach 80, and let me tell you, it does not feel good in the morning.”
Shadow immediately felt himself tense up and snapped back.
“I am not as frail as you, hedgehog. Do not forget, I am the Ultimate Lifeform and-”
“Yeah, yeah, you’re better than us in every way, blah blah… Still, even the Ultimate Lifeform isn’t above a little helpful advice?”
Shadow shot Sonic a look that told the other all he needed to know. Maybe on another day, Shadow would’ve humored the guy, but right now, with his emotions being as… unpredictable as they are, he’d rather just be cautious.
“I have no time for your ramblings; unlike you, I have responsibilities I must return to.”
Distance. Never close enough to show the cracks.
“Alright, alright, guess I’ll just have to keep all these super awesome and wise tips for myself. Anyways, before you go, I was wonderin’ if you’d be interested in going on a small rendezvous with me tomorrow?”
Shadow had begun to pull out his Chaos Emerald, but paused at the other's invitation. His brow furrowing, looking back at the other with a confused expression on his face.
“What?”
“Er- I mean Tails and me… Yeah, Tails has picked up this really cool chaos signature on this remote island… And I figured, who knows more about chaos signatures than you! So uh yeah and…”
Oh. Right. Shadow’s experience. That was all he needed for. Sonic had started to ramble on about something, but Shadow didn’t bother listening to the rest, knowing he was currently too vulnerable to take it all in right now. Waving a dismissive hand as he pulled out his Emerald.
“I’m sure you’ll manage just fine, faker, like I said: I have responsibilities.”
Without sparing another glance at the other, he chaos-controlled to his apartment, cutting the other off before he felt the knife twist his heart further.
──────
The tingle of chaos-energy flowed through him as his vision filled with a blinding light, and barely a second later, his surroundings changed from the vibrant woods to a cold and empty apartment in the city.
Tossing the gem aside, Shadow immediately let out a loud growl of anger, punching the nearest wall to him. Shallow, hurried breaths as he felt his vision becoming foggy. Why was he doing this? Why now?!
Clink, clink
“...God… dammit…”
Shadow grit his teeth, closing his eyes as if that would stop these crystals from falling, but that did nothing besides make these nuisances uncomfortably scratch his eyelids. He didn't need this. He was supposed to be in control. He needs to be in control. Without control, everything around him will fall apart. If he can't control himself, then how can he expect not to make the same mistakes? Shadow clenched his fist, pushing his head against the wall as his heart beat rang in his ears.
Why was he crying?
Why then and why now?
Why was he cracking?
Gritting his teeth, he punched the wall again, not caring about the sizeable dent that was forming. Hoping that somehow, someway, that he could turn that sadness into anger. He's done it before, why can't he do it now?!
Anger was manageable.
Anger could be detonated.
Sadness had to run its course before you could get yourself out of it.
Why are you crying, you fucking attention-seeker? What, expect some kind of comforting hand to guide you? You'll never feel that warmth again. You have debt that’ll never be paid, and no amount of tears will ever give you atonement for it.
“Shut up.”
You first.
──────
Shadow doesn’t know how long it took for the clinking to stop, and his heart rate starting to calm down enough so he could hear his own breathing. When he opened his eyes, he had to blink a few times to get them to focus, noticing he was sitting on the ground with these crystal tears littering the floor. With a labored groan, he put a hand on his chest, feeling his heart beat.
1, 2
1... 2
In... and out.
After repeating this a few more times, Shadow felt clear enough in the head to get up. The sun had long set, drowning his apartment in a pitch-black, vaguely illuminated by the city lights outside. But also, he noted that these… crystals… had a dim glow to them as well. It was faint, barely perceptible, but in the darkness, they showed small pulsing lights in each of them.
“What… are these…”
He leaned down to pick one up and examine it more closely. As he noted before, this wasn’t like any gemstone he’s seen before… In fact, it didn’t really look like a gem at all. Shadow would say it’s more comparable to a… star. Letting out a long groan, he tossed it back onto the ground with the others and walked off to find a broom.
Shadow wasn’t ready to deal with some of his alien biology bullshit tonight; for all he knew, this might just be some kind of one-time thing. Rouge has said that if he bottles everything up, he’ll eventually pop… Maybe this is just the pop. Sure, that sounded plausible enough, he thought as he swept up the evidence of his breakdown.
He hasn’t cried like that in a while…
He really didn’t want to have to cry like that again.