Chapter Text
TW massive massive tw yall fr this inclood v v much homophobia bc religion can be evil and dumb also cults and mormons TW schlong mention and TW sh*na sh*pm*n mention and TW bodily fluids mentions TW heated rivalry hate
Glossary: Hulia - Jamie’s homoerotic female friend who we don’t talk about (this one does not get a pic sorry but she DO kinda look like kristen stewart but not as pretty)
David Miscavige - head honcho of scientology Joseph Smith: founder of the mormons you may know from south park Heated Rivalry: bad evil show (and books)
Gay little monkey at the apple store: jackie taylor from yellowjackets/ella purnell
Shauna shitman: bad evil woman from yellowjackets
Natalie scatorccio/sophie thatcher: jamie’s chad wife
Sombr - evil little boy musician known for “back to friends” and asking children to bark for him
Musty quigley: ew gross ew ew ew bad yellowjackets character
Lucy Dacus: tallest member of boygenius, julien baker’s gf, and lesbian john the baptist bc as we know hailey kiyoko is lesbian jesus
Chapter One/6769
Joseph Smith skippity doo das into the gay indie bookstore.
Little does he know… A man that looks slightly like that one dude i knew what was his name i dont fuckin remember omg who was that oh yeah hulia’s friend’s boyfriend yeah aren’t they getting married now sweet OH YEAH anyway so David Miscavige is over in the self-help section (checks out) and the gay little monkey at the apple store is working the counter shauna shitman is like stabbing someone in the shady corner or something. Natalie scatorccio (YAYYYYYYYYY) is mewing in the “how to cope with a MASSIVE italian schlong” section while looking at jamie adoringly (she’s def being arrested for too mcuh alpha energy but dw they let her go)
“Well well well…… if it isn’t the ginger lil twink from the bad evil hollywood cult…” “Oh!’ David expaims. he quickly hides his book - “how to cope with tiny scholng syndrome” - behind is juicy booty Joseph smith is nearby, in the hockey romance section. He picks up heated rivalry. David notices. “oh , don’t bother, that one is awful,” david starts, gazing at joseph’s plump lips (filler was def used) “Oh…I mean that one’s GAY… GAY and horrible” PHEW – david thinks to himself - that was close not as close as me tho this guy kinda fyneeee shiiiiiiiii……
“Who are you?1?2?” joseph gasps. “Why, i am david miscavige, leader of scientology. And you are….” “Joeseph smith, head mormon in charge” “Wellllllllll my religion hates gay people more than urs does……. so………….”
“Dianetics CLEARS the Book of Mormon”
“Sounds like we’ve gotten into a bit of a… heated rivalry ourselves” joseph giggles cutely in response he blushes kawaiily uwu David doesn’t know whether to be annoyed or flustered.
SOMB RSTARTS PLAYING ON THE RADIO NOOOOOOO
at the same time, they both SCREAM “TURN IT OFF TURN IT OFF AHHHHHHH MY EARS NO” as their ears begin to gush blood
“oh no i am so sorru :(((((“ the gay little twink moneky talks
shauna STORMS over to the dj station “even i dont like this shii and i like cannibalising people for funi” natalie finds shauna and beats her ass
*her alpha phermones WAFT through the venue and she switches to imagine dragons and also misty is here prolly stalking her crush or smth jamie: u right emily u right emily: thank you pookie snookums jame: natalie lookin FYNEEE tho should i go talk to her emily: yes ofc natalie would so have a crush on you monarch jamie: ok GULP juno drinking orange juice jamie is now a canonical character and so is emily
Jackie taylor sees jame trying to rizz up natalie and she ain’t having it bc she and nat are enemies to lovers Jamie: i meannnnnnnnn n o one sai nothing abt not having a polycule……. jackeL: “OMG YAYYYY” Shauna : JACKIE MINE GRRRR Natalie simply stomps her ass once more
BACK TO OUR EVIL GAY MEN (not the heated rivalry ones) radioactive comes on and they start DANCIN bc they white men from utah/cali they dance slowlyto the song bc sure yeah thats possible we prefer realism in this house But then jackie accidentally hits the wrong switch on her turntable and the labubu song starts playing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AAoBo2fAGfg so yeah yeah shuana gets mad tries to turn it off natalie breats her ass and switches it herself u know the drill
now bruno mars is playing thank GOD David
and joseph start slow dancing in each others arms and gaze into each others eyes the smell of each others musty wafts they noses jamie: thank god we have fried green tomatoes to cleanse our souls after this Anyway they kiss now mmmm they taste the saliva of evil “the first time i tasted somebody elses spit i had a coughing fit” or whatever lucy dacus lesbian john the baptist said jamie: wait we have to add her to the syllabus before we end it the endddd wait no we have more chapters bc obviously the masses want more