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Loneliness was a strange feeling.
Honestly, Tanuma is likely one of the worst people to ask for an exposition about feelings, seeing as when it comes to expressing them he has the communication skills of a child, but loneliness is one he thinks about often.
He wonders if he is lonely now, if he had been lonely in the past, when it had changed or if it even had at all.
He supposes that he aught to just know if he is or isn't and that he shouldn't have to think about it nearly as much as he does, but still his thoughts linger in what idle moments he has between one activity and the next.
Emotions are complex, unstable things really. Intense yet miniscule parts of being alive and conscious of the world around you. To Tanuma, emotions feel so finite, fickle and hard to pinpoint, it seems almost impossible to give them names.
Maybe he doesn't feel them enough?
Maybe he tries to feel too many at once?
It is hard to say with certainty.
Somedays he is pretty sure he feels lonely. On days when he's home sick, or afternoons after school where he has nothing to do but stare out into nothing and wait for the next moment to come, even if it takes what feels like hours.
But then again, maybe that was never loneliness to begin with?
Sometimes he feels the same way while surrounded by other people, at home with his father or in class with his friends. You can't feel lonely when you're with people you love, right?
It feels an awful lot like loneliness though , or what he imagines loneliness probably feels like at least. A weird, empty pooling feeling in the bottom of his chest. It builds gradually over time, like a puddle of water, growing deeper and heavier with every slow drip until it fills his chest entirely with an uncomfortable, twisting and unstable weight. He felt it a lot when he was younger, before he met Natsume and Taki, Nishimura and Kitamoto, even Ponta.
Back then it had been almost constant, and had filled not only his chest but his whole body, weighing him down from his feet to his shoulders until everything felt like a struggle. At the time it had seemed more like he was sick than anything else. It had been so constant he hardly knew any other way to feel.
Maybe he is still sick? It's the only real reason he can think of for having the feelings he does. He never had it that hard growing up, he was never completely alone. He certainly has no reason to feel lonely now.
"Hey, Tanuma." A voice calls to him, and until now he isn't even aware how far into his thoughts he's drifted.
Tanuma, startled out of his thoughts and blinking down at the smooth surface of his desk for a moment, finally looks up to the person who had spoken.
In the desk directly in front of his own Kitamoto is twisting in his chair to face him, an easy smile fixed on his lip. He looks like he's been watching for a while, the hand he's using to steady himself in its awkward, twisted position on the desk has already turned white with the strain. Tanuma hadn't even noticed.
Classes are almost over for the day and the teacher has finished the lesson, they're really only waiting for the time to leave. It's mid winter, so the sun is already low enough in the sky that it's shining blindingly through the window to their left, and for the first time Tanuma squints. He hadn't noticed that either.
"You were zoning out, weren't you?" Kitamoto's voice is teasing. It's a tone he takes a lot with him and the others, and usually Tanuma would play along, but he's still sort of distracted.
"Was I?"
Kitamoto rolls his eyes with an amused little snort. "Hey, we've already got Natsume the air head to worry about you've got to stay on earth, got it?"
Tanuma's lip quirks slightly. "Yeah, got it." He's not as bad as Natsume is, but he knows he can be a bit absent minded at times.
It isn't long before the final chime sounds to signal the end of the school day and students begin packing away their things and moving out. Everyone's always in a hurry to get out when the day ends. They all have things to do, he supposes.
He finds himself moving almost sluggishly, a pool of inexplainable dread forming at the prospect of being home alone for the evening. His father would be back by midday tomorrow, but right now home would be still and quiet. Sometimes the peace and quite is nice, but others it's more suffocating than a crowd of people.
Kitamoto still waits for him while he takes his time packing his books and pens away. Tanuma does feel a touch guilty for making him do so, but the other boy shows no signs of impatience or annoyance. He never does. Kitamoto is good at being patient.
Kitamoto is really good at a lot of things, Tanuma would be jealous if he didn't admire him as much as he does. Then again, he admires all of his friends a great deal. It's hard not to.
They always leave school grounds together, he and Kitamoto. Being in the same class just makes it convenient. Depending on the day sometimes they walk most the way home together with Natsume and the others, or just to the school gate, but the ritual rarely changes.
Briefly Tanuma cant help but think that he should be content with just that much. It's more than he had ever had before transfering here. He's grateful, he really should start acting that way.
By the time they're leaving the classroom, the first rush of students has already left the hallway, leaving it mostly clear aside from a few lingering students. Most people are almost out of the building in the first five minutes if they haven't got other responsibilities. It's not likely that he took quite that long getting out, but still.
Their walk through the school feels slow too, but not painfully slow, and not because Tanuma is being lethargic, rather it feels like a natural pace for today, a pace that Kitamoto matches wordlessly, like he feels it too. Watching him from a side glance, Tanuma wonders if someone like Kitamoto ever feels the strange things he feels.
Kitamoto seems a lot more together than Tanuma thinks he is himself, so he probably doesn't, but if he did he'd probably understand it better. Understanding is just another things Kitamoto is good at.
"Hmm, Kitamoto?" Tanuma speaks before he really knows what he was doing. He's burning with curiosity, and a small spark of hopefulness and he can't help it.
Kitamoto halts anyway, stopping to look at Tanuma properly and clearly offering his full attention. It almost makes Tanuma feel self conscious. He didn't need to stop just to listen to him, that's not what he had meant to happen. Nevertheless, his curiosity pushes him to continue.
"Do you ever feel, like, lonely I guess? But when there are other people there?" A troubled look crosses his features as he struggles with his words. He's never put it into words before, he's not good with words. "I mean, when you have no real reason to be?"
He isn't sure why he asked, it is an extremely embarrassing question in retrospect, but he is sick of thinking about it when he obviously has no answer for his own behaviour. He needs an outside opinion, some sort of validation that his feelings were something normal. Another part of him just wanted to talk about something. Not specifically this, just anything. The silence is usually comfortable with his friends, but today he can't stand it.
He had means it to be a casual question, not actually thinking of the way it sounds until he finds himself under Kitamoto's serious and considering gaze. They weren't walking anymore, and Kitamoto is taking a stance like he isn't intending on continuing yet.
"Is that how you feel?" He asks, concerned but thoughtful.
Suddenly Tanuma is overcome with the realisation that his question had been somewhat offencive. Who is he to claim loneliness when his friends give him so much? That must be it, that's why Kitamoto has such a troubled look. His stomach drops when he thinks that that look is his fault.
"Uh, no, sorry, that was rude. It's nothing to do with you guys-" he startles out of his apology when he feels a soft thud on his shoulder, Tanuma's eyes dart up, nerves on edge with his sudden anxiety, to where Kitamoto has rested his hand by the collar of his shirt.
"Hey, forget apologies for a minute okay?" There's still concern in his voice, but it doesn't sound the way Tanuma had twisted it in his head. It's gentle, supportive, encouraging. "I wasn't asking because I was bothered, so you can answer the question honestly. If you want to."
Despite his original question, Tanuma hadn't actually intended to adress his own feelings. It sounds dopey, but he hadn't thought the question would elicit such a serious and whole hearted response. He doesn't know how to respond to sincerity like that.
"Maybe? I don't know." It's a poor answer, but it's honest at least. The best he can manage in this moment. He flushes uncomfortably, regretting it all a thousand times over now that he's said it. "Ah, you should probably just forget it. I have no reason to be lonely, so It's probably just a bad mood." He tries to smile, but he feels stupidly defeated by his own whim and it probably looks more pained than he would have liked it to.
Kitamoto frowns but doesn't look particularly surprised. He pauses in thought for a moment and A voice in Tanuma's head helpfully supplies a thousand possible bad reasons for him to do so.
"I don't think I ever feel that way." He finally answers, and it feels more like a stab in the gut than a simple thing like that should.
Tanuma must really be a mess after all.
The admission is more than a little disheartening, but as Tanuma opens his mouth to dismiss it, wanting to forget it all and go back to being a little bit mopey rather than horribly embarrassed, Kitamoto continues.
"But I don't think it's abnormal." Kitamoto returns his arm to his side, voice confident in his statement and offering a reassuring smile. "There isn't always a reason for feeling a certain way, but dont ignore it. You're allowed to feel bad for no reason. It's still a real feeling even if it has no explanation."
Tanuma smiles back, tension easing from his shoulders like a weight had been lifted with the simple reassurance. It's shakey, but he means it this time. "Thanks."
Thanks because the way Kitamoto says it makes it sound like a fact, not just compulsory comfort, thanks because no ones really given him a serious answer before, thanks because he feels a little more sane now, thanks because he doesn't have any idea what else to say.
"Dont sweat it. I'm glad you asked me, actually." Kitamoto runs a hand back through his hair with a grimace. It's the first time he's looked personally bothered during the conversation. "Nishimura is always blurting out anything in that head of his, so I never used to worry about comunication, but after meeting Natsume I realised it's not always so easy to know what's going on. Even with your best friends. I worry sometimes that you guys wont think you can talk to me about stuff."
Tanuma can understand well how that feels, he worries about Natsume in that way often. To think that he was one of the sources of such a concern in one of his friends offered a bit of perspective.
"What are friends for if they can't talk?" He's sure he's probably said the same to Natsume before, but he still means it.
Suddenly hyper aware of how long they've been standing there, in the middle of the hallway, he gives a nervous laugh. He can only hope that no one has been listening. He must have been out of it not to consider that earlier.
"We should probably go, the others will be waiting."
"Yeah, Nishimura is probably nagging poor Natsume's ear off by now."
After a friendly slap on the back, they continue walking in a more easy conversation and the inital awkwardness fading to inexistance in a matter of moments. Kitamoto jokes a bit, elbowing Tanuma good naturedly. Tanuma laughs, he laughs a lot, and they take way too long getting out of the building. They've already wasted so much time.
Kitamoto is a good person. Tanuma knows this already, he's known it from the start, but sometimes he forgets. Not because Kitamoto is forgettable, but because he's so constant. He's stable, and kind, and Tanuma has gotten used to his quiet support. He makes a mental note to thank him properly for everything eventually. It's easy to see how Natsume had become so close to him and Nishimura.
There were things they wouldn't talk about, but they can talk about the normal things at least. Tanuma will always love talking about the normal things.
When they finally reach the front gate, Taki has already left with Sasada but Natsume and Nishimura are still waiting. Surprisingly Nishimura doesn't seem antsy to get going, but he is hassling Natsume. They start walking, and things are back to the way things usually are on any given day. The sun is glaring even worse now, but at least it's doing something to warm the cold air.
They talk about nothing and everything as they dawdle, until the subject of afternoon plans come up. Tanuma doesn't really want to think about it, but Natsume is quick to put in his answer.
"I'm making a hotpot with Touko-san and Shigeru-san this afternoon." Natsume is smiling hapily at the prospect. Despite himself Tanuma feels a slight spike of envy. He's happy that Natsume can do these happy things, he really shouldn't feel jealous, not when he's had a thousand chances to do the same things.
"No fair, I have to clean the kitchen when I get home." Nishimura whines dramatically, grabbing Natsume's arm. "Take me with you."
Well that would explain why Nishimura wasn't so enthusiastic about going home.
Natsume shakes him off carelessly. "Don't slack off. Chores are important." not waiting for a response from Nishimura, Natsume looks to his other two friends. "What about you two? Any plans?"
Tanuma shrugs listlessly. He probably won't do much at all. Maybe he could sweep the walkway again before his father got home? He's already done most of the housework that needs doing, and he's already on top of all his homework.
"Me and Tanuma are having a movie marathon at his place." Kitamoto answers in his stead and it's the first Tanuma's heard of the idea. Not that it's a bad idea.
Tanuma looks to him, a confused expression fixing itself on his face.
Kitamoto only shrugs back. "Did I forget to tell you? I'm borrowing your house. Your dads not home so we can stay up late without bothering anyone. Is that alright? I thought it sounded fun."
The genuinely enquiring look Kitamoto gives is enough to clue Tanuma on a bit better. It is an offer, not a request. Kitamoto is offering him an alternative. Something to do instead of wandering around his house alone. The thought spreads an indescribable warmth through Tanuma's chest and he seriously considers hugging him. He smiles and nods, endlessly greatful to his friend.
"No problem." Tanuma accepts.
"Whaaat?!" Nishimura demands, gawking at the two of them. "Movie night? Without me and Natsume? how cruel!"
"You're both busy, don't complain."
"But Tanuma always falls asleep by the end of the second movie!"
"What? No I don't." Well, he kind of does. It's hard to focus on one thing for so long and not get drowzy.
"It doesn't matter. We're doing it anyway."
Tanuma notices Natsume standing off to the side with a strange sort of smile and he cocks his head slightly. "Natsume?"
Natsume shakes his head a bit. "I just thought for a moment 'I am really glad'."
"Glad?" Kitamoto asks, also puzzled.
"Yeah. I don't think I remember any time when you two planned something just for yourselves. I guess I'm just happy you two are having fun together."
It sounds like an odd thing to say, but it isn't hard for Tanuma to see where Natsume is coming from. Natsume had become friends with Tanuma under completely different conditions than he had befriended Kitamoto and Nishimura. They fill two different but overlapping gaps in his life. For Natsume, to see those two parts of his life interact was probably somewhat comforting.
Nishimura snorts mockingly. "You make it sound like their getting married, why so sentimental?"
Tanuma sighs lightheartedly, mumbling to himself. "I'm glad too."
Nobody hears him, and it's probably better that they don't.
They walk together for a while longer, until they separate with Nishimura and later Natsume. The stop at the intersection in the path, watching Natsume and his cat walk away until they're gone. They have no reason to wait there, but they do anyway. They can see the sun in the same direction, and it's somewhat gentler now. It's pleasant.
Tanuma isn't entirely sure how he feels, but it's not lonely, not in this moment. This moment feels light and simple, but definitely happy. He wants a million more of these moments, but for now he'll settle for this one.
Kitamoto slings an arm over his shoulders, leaning on him with a friendly smile. Tanuma freezes up for a moment, but just a moment before relaxing.
"You're really okay with me staying at your place?" He asks considerately.
"Of course."
Tanuma wouldn't dream of saying no. Not tonight.
"Good."
They remain that way for a time, before Tanuma nudges him in the ribs with a grin. "You're pretty good at wasting time today."
Kitamoto scoffs, but he's grinning wider now. "Says you, airhead."
They laugh, and the whole street can hear. It doesn't matter though, because silence is far more lonesome.