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Dan ruined the take five times. At first, he found it hilarious. He tried to unzip Phil’s jeans, mixed up his lines to make them both laugh… but after Phil said no to his face, for a moment he was unable to draw a breath and a heavy lump settled in his throat.
“Dan?” Phil said, watching his partner’s stunned face.
“Right, sorry.” Dan cleared his throat and started the scene again. This time his voice quivered, and he insisted on redoing the take. The fifth time, he felt his voice breaking and his eyes burning. He coughed and turned his head to mask both.
“Are you alright? Are you cold? I’m freezing, let’s just try one more time and go back inside. We can film it in the office,” Phil suggested.
Dan took a deep breath and delivered all his lines correctly this time, knowing he couldn’t do it one more time. Phil putting the Haribo ring in his mouth and walking away was hilarious on paper. In real life, though, Dan’s chest tightened with anxiety.
He finished the rest of the video, shivering with cold. Phil was right about that. Then he hurried back inside, took off his shoes and jogged upstairs.
“Here you go,” he said as he placed his phone on the kitchen counter next to where Phil was cutting an apple. “I’ll go take a shower.”
“Alright,” Phil said and slipped the phone into his back pocket without looking away. Dan stood there, watching Phil prepare their tea and a platter of snacks with the utmost attention and care for a few moments. Then he turned around and walked down the stairs, feeling sick to his stomach and almost stumbling over his own foot. He didn’t know why he felt that way. He was the one with commitment issues. If it was up to Phil, they probably would’ve been married years ago. And out as a couple.
Dan huffed and ripped the suit off the second the bathroom door closed behind him. His heart was pounding heavily somewhere in his throat, and it made him angry with himself. It didn’t matter, did it? They’ve been together for sixteen years. They were locked in. They were tied up with the red string of fate like a Christmas ham. Dan had no doubts about them and didn’t yearn for a piece of paper. And yet…
By the time he returned upstairs, Phil had changed into shorts and a t-shirt, arranged cushions and blankets on the floor by the sofa, and brought their tea, two glasses of Ribena, and the snacks to the lounge.
“What’s this?” Dan asked. He felt almost shy walking in. In his mind, he kept returning to his feelings from earlier and couldn’t do anything about it.
“I thought we could edit that video and watch a movie in a nice, cosy nest,” Phil said and flashed Dan a loving smile.
“Okay,” Dan said, not moving from the spot. Phil settled down cross-legged, pulled a heavy, fluffy blanket over his shoulders and outstretched one arm, inviting Dan in.
“Come join me in my lair, lad,” he said playfully. Dan finally unfroze and moved towards Phil. His legs felt like lead and jelly at the same time, but he made it. When he sat down, Phil draped the blanket around him and snuggled him in his arms.
“I missed you,” he said, kissing Dan’s temple. Then he unlocked Dan’s phone and pulled up a video editing app. Dan reached for his glass of Ribena and took a few big gulps, only then realising how dry his throat was. He watched Phil do a rough cut of the video without a word while Phil muttered under his breath, narrating his process.
“You look funny in that suit,” Phil said when he played the video for the first time, trying and failing to wipe a silly grin off his face.
“Yeah, well, I got it off Amazon,” Dan replied, distracted. Watching the video again only reassured him that his feelings were real. The rejection, even if fake and planned, hurt as fuck. Phil side-glanced at him but said nothing. Less than ten minutes later, the video was finished, and Dan was barely keeping it together.
“Bear, what’s wrong?” Phil asked suddenly, setting Dan’s phone down.
“What?”
“You talk more than this when you’re asleep. What’s up?” Phil ran his fingers through Dan’s curls, playing with them and searching for any clues in Dan’s face.
“Nothing. I’m just tired,” Dan lied, avoiding Phil’s gaze.
“Do you want to tell me about your favourite rollercoaster?” Phil prompted, smiling softly.
Dan shook his head.
“Daniel. Talk to me. What’s going on in your head?” Phil demanded. “Please, tell me what’s wrong.”
“It’s nothing, Phil, let’s watch that movie, okay?” Dan pleaded, fighting the urge to get up and lock himself in the downstairs bedroom.
“It’s not nothing when you don’t want to talk about rollercoasters,” Phil pointed out. “Come on, bear. You know you can tell me.”
Dan huffed, trying to make sense of his racing thoughts.
“It’s just…” he shook his head. “That video.”
“What about it?”
“I… nothing. I’m going to lie down, I don’t feel well.” Dan quickly got up, but his blood pressure betrayed him yet again.
“Oh no,” he muttered and stumbled backwards. Phil managed to catch him and help him sit down on the sofa. He pulled himself up to sit next to Dan.
“Easy,” he said gently, squeezing Dan’s arm.
“Phil, you know I love you, right?” Dan said, suddenly feeling ashamed of his behaviour.
“Yes, bear, I love you too.”
“And that… we don’t need a piece of paper to prove it.”
“Sure.”
Dan’s breath quickened, and he knew he was going to lose that scrap of courage he had found soon.
“Phil, I–I know it wasn’t real, but when you r–rejected me in–in my f–face, it–it really hurt me,” he said quickly, stumbling over his words.
“What?” Phil breathed out, staring at Dan. He finally looked up and met Phil’s deer in the headlights eyes.
“I know it’s stupid, we planned it and–and it was just a joke–”
“Dan, it’s not stupid. Come here, you silly billy,” Phil said, struggling to contain his laughter. Dan accepted the invitation and gave a wet chuckle followed by an exasperated groan when Phil pulled him into a tight embrace.
“How do you put up with my bullshit?” he muttered, squeezing Phil back. He really did feel silly but also relieved.
“Well, I didn’t read the terms and conditions sixteen years ago, and now I’m signed up for a lifetime,” Phil joked and laughed when Dan smacked his shoulder, pouting.
“No refunds, no amendments.”
“Serves me right for bagging a law student,” Phil said lightly, making Dan giggle.
“Hey, do you have more of those Haribo rings?”
“What for?” Dan pulled away.
“Well. It’s just a piece of paper, but… that doesn’t mean it’s worthless. We could wait another sixteen years. That’s enough time to squeeze in some bisexual panic, or even–”
“Shut the fuck up!” Dan laughed. “I’ll lock you and your bisexual panic in the Interactive Introverts chest.”
“I wouldn’t mind Sister Daniel’s company. She’s more fun than you anyway,” Phil teased, and Dan’s mouth dropped open.
“You–” Dan said, scrambling to his feet. Phil shrieked and ran to the bedroom. Dan easily caught up with him and tackled him to the bed. They rolled over, laughing and wrestling. Dan managed to grab both Phil’s wrists and pinned him down, straddling his hips and grinning.
“Phil Lester,” he said breathlessly, trying not to laugh. “Stay.” He let go of Phil and reached over to the bedside table, pulling an open bag of Haribo rings from the drawer.
“Are you joking?” Phil laughed.
“I knew you were going to want to snack on them at night. Now,” Dan giggled. “Phil Lester. The most loving, important, and fucking annoying person in my life, will–”
“That’s a good list,” Phil teased.
“Shut up. Phil Lester–”
“Yes, we’ve established my name.”
“I’ll fucking smack you,” Dan said, his whole body shaking with laughter. “Phil Lester–”
“Dan, please, sit a bit lower, I’m not sure if it counts as consent when there’s no blood in my brain.”
Dan pursed his lips tightly and made a high, infuriated sound, but did as he was told.
“Phil Lester,” he started again, pausing. Phil watched him, biting his lips to hold back laughter. Dan took a deep breath. “You know I've always liked you, Phil. Since the day we've met. Will you keep annoying me and being a beautiful blend of whimsy and piss jokes and the most loving and creative person just the same as you always have, and will you let me put a Haribo ring on your finger as a symbol of our vague commitment to sign an unspecified legally binding document in the next two decades?”
“Yes,” Phil said, grinning widely as he watched Dan put the green-coloured sweet on his ring finger. Then he reached into the plastic bag and picked a red one for Dan.
“Daniel James Howell–”
“Not the middle name,” Dan groaned. Phil giggled.
“Daniel James Howell. Will you keep waking me up after you’ve had a bad dream, pulling unhinged faces when you’re happy and making me a bowl of crisps after I’ve had a bad day, and let me put this Haribo ring on your finger… and maybe let me eat it later?”
Dan snorted. “Yeah, yes, sure.” He watched Phil put the gummy ring on his finger. “We’re fucking cooked, aren’t we?”
“Mmm. But at least we’re cooked together.”