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Ilya adored teasing Shane about his finely tuned connection to sound and slightly unsettling powers of hearing. Ilya wasn’t stupid, he knew he was boisterous and impulsive, but leaning into the role was part of the fun when it came to riling Shane up. He loved to play and Ilya believed if he made the game fun enough, he could always win Shane over.
“Shane, your hearing is so good. You always know when I am trying to get away with something. I swear you can hear my thoughts.”
“No, I just pay attention. Besides, you’re not always the most subtle when you’re excited about something or ‘doing a heist’. Also, that phrasing makes you sound like you rob banks.”
“You never heist me back. Oh, I know! You are just like Jiminy Cricket.”
“That’s not how heists work. And crickets aren’t the best example of an animal with good hearing, I'd say I'm more like an owl or a bat or something.”
“Haha, good one, Shane, no, you are definitely not bat. If anything, I am bat. You are Jiminy because you tell me to always be boring.”
“I think his line is ‘always let your conscience be your guide’.”
“Is same thing, yes?”
Ilya also loved learning about Shane and the way he experienced the world. His teasing and his love walked hand in hand, though it may not have appeared that way to someone who did not know them very well. Or maybe only thought they knew them.
Early in their relationship, Ilya observed that sometimes Shane would mentally move past something, but his body seemed to be left behind, reeling with emotional aftershocks. Ilya watched and noted that this distressed Shane in a way that he could never seem to prepare for. There was a disconnect inside of him and the aftershocks were illogical and destabilising.
However, behind the scenes and very slowly, Ilya had spent years pinning hundreds of delicate red threads on the walls of his mind, connecting the evidence of these patterns. If Shane was throwing himself around a cage only he could see, Ilya simply closed his eyes, traced the threads and found the point of origin. Then he could start to walk them both back.
It was clear that if teased the right way, the safe way, the Ilya way, Shane’s face would flush and his heart would start to beat faster. Ilya understood that this was an art form. Only he orchestrated the subtle process which allowed Shane to funnel those feelings of threat out of his body. It was Ilya who Shane trusted to push and push until he transformed those sensations into ones that more resembled arousal and challenge. And arousal and challenge were two things that Shane Hollander loved to handle.
Sometimes afterwards, Shane would look over at Ilya, both sweaty and slightly dazed, and he would say something like, “How did that end in sex? I thought I was angry, but now I feel like I achieved something instead.” And Ilya would look back and shrug, “Well, I can always see what you need.”
* * *
It was on mornings like this that Ilya was glad he could reminisce about times he’d been useful for Shane, at least it gave him something to do while he rotted in bed. He had been feeling off all week, though that was nothing new. Ilya had mood swings sometimes but knew now that there were things he could do to be kind to himself and wait for them pass. Ilya said he could try things, not that he always would.
He made some attempts, take the night before for example, he’d tried to socialise a bit more and went to an arcade with Hayes, Barrett and Haas. It had been mostly enjoyable, but Ilya still found himself feeling guilty for not being more fun and present. Though it was adorable when the men decided to spend their tokens on silly prizes for one another.
Ilya replayed how Luca’s eyes looked like they would never be able to close properly again after he realised the outstretched hand of his mentor was trying to give the little teddy to him.
“You know that’s going straight to the front and centre of his locker?” Wyatt had said whilst elbowing Ilya.
“Absolutely, then it’s going straight home with him and back again each day,” Troy laughed then added, “He’s a great kid, and he’s got a great captain.”
“Yes, I agree. And it is so easy to make his day. Speaking of making days… what have you both picked to give to your great captain?”
* * *
After partly dozing and ruminating, Ilya came back to himself and sensed what he could only describe as a cosmic imbalance, all before his eyes had time to properly shift into focus.
Feeling a slight elevation in his heartbeat, he attuned to the information currently flooding into, over, through his body. What was calling to the receptors under the skin on his face and how were the smoke signals wafting towards the cells of his torso different or the same?
Every piece of data was tagged and recorded, Ilya’s neural connections continuously tracking familiar patterns or potential discrepancies that curiosity would unpack later when he was finally able to rest.
In his mind, he perched on a bluff and scanned the tree line. His sole purpose to identify, alert and protect. He decided that in his mind-forest, anything was possible, so Shane was probably another equally impressive wolf that thought Ilya was strong and so good at his wolf job. He wondered if wolves could have freckles. Shane would make a good wolf.
Ilya huffed and crossed his arms, staring up at the ceiling of their bedroom. He could not even daydream correctly. Normally it took him longer until his heart eyes derailed the tough guy fantasy. It was progress that he got to choose Shane’s manifestation this time. He usually just appeared as a loon.
Ilya rolled onto his side and checked the time on his phone. His body felt heavy and he thought he could stay in bed all day. However, it was the crumpled towel thrown haphazardly on top of the laundry basket that confirmed Ilya’s worst fears. That something was wrong. That sight meant that Shane had woken up, showered, and then did not care if the towel did not dry properly?
For a moment, Ilya thought Shane may be doing drugs. Muscle memory caused him to reach for the gold cross on his neck for strength. As he softly rolled the chain between his fingers, he calmed down (Shane was not doing drugs). Then, his eyes widened and his mouth fell open.
How could he have let this happen? Ilya could not believe he had been so reckless after he had been so careful for so long.
* * *
“Shane! Where are you? Shane! I can explain, moy lyubimyy! It is not what you think. I would never.”
Shane could hear Ilya’s speed had caused him to misjudge the first step on the staircase and the rest of the descent sounded like someone had rolled four basketballs down along with him. For a moment he was concerned, but then he remembered that he had been betrayed.
Leaving his house slippers at the side of the couch, Shane stood and moved silently in his socks to the kitchen. He wasn’t going to let Ilya come and apologise to him immediately. This required more than a quick ‘sorry, my love’ and glossing over the process.
“Shane? I see your slippers but where have your feet taken you? But it will be fine! I’m sorry, my love!”
“It’s too late, Ilya. What’s done is done.” Shane called back as he slipped outside, transferring to his outdoor slides for the next leg of his journey.
“Ah, that is the sound of the kitchen stool, my ears work too and I will not stop until I find you! I promise you this is not what it looks like.”
Shane almost let Ilya off the hook when he heard the fridge door open and close. Ilya must be flustered if he considered for even a moment that Shane would ever hide in there. Way too cold. And small. Shane gazed over their backyard and gave Anya a little pat as he started mentally calculating whether he could in fact fit in the fridge if he took all the shelves out. But he’d have to come back to that later. He had a job to do first.
Shane threw Anya’s ball so that it hit the wall next to the door he had taken from the kitchen. He waited for Ilya’s yelp of surprise then started to make his way back around to the front of the house.
This was all going to plan, Shane thought to himself. The fact that Ilya had left it so obviously there for him to find made it easier, but Shane had to admit that this prolonged game of tag was amusing. Then he heard Ilya negotiating with Anya in rapid Russian.
“Anya, look at papa, this is serious. Where is your other papa? Take me to him. You are smart. I know you know. What do you want? Money? What would a dog want with money? But I will give it to you with no further questions. How much? Anya, come back! Do you want to spend your life travelling between one papa to another? Because I fear that is what this is leading to if you do not show me where he is.”
* * *
Shane knew that it was a rest day for them both. He knew Ilya had been feeling off all week. He knew that he would be up earlier than Ilya. He knew Ilya was still practising making decisions that were kind and not self-sabotaging impulses. What he did not know was that Ilya would leave such a brazen statement on the bathroom sink for him to find. He did know how to fix it, but he couldn’t just tell Ilya. Where was the fun in that?
* * *
Ilya slid down against the brick wall outside and took a moment to practise what Dr Galina had been asking him to make a daily habit: come back to his body and the various alerts going off in his system when he felt inferior. What was the reality of the situation? Not what his father would say or what should be the case. What was.
Thoughts: Curious, more than racing. The adrenaline had subsided and Ilya was outside instead of in bed. He noticed the birds and the trees and the cool air.
Mind: Focused on Shane. He wanted to kiss him. Ilya could hear Shane’s voice, lines such as ‘I love you, Ilya’ and ‘What we have is forever.’ He spoke louder than his father.
Legs: A little cold from barrelling outside in the first pair of shorts he’d picked up off the floor of their bedroom. Which Ilya noticed he was wearing backwards, he acknowledged that it added a layer of absurdity to the morning that he started to appreciate.
Heart: Strong, bouncing against the internal walls of his torso, from rib to spine, spine to rib. It was oddly steady and comforting. Ilya bounced Anya’s ball from hand to hand following the same rhythm. He enjoyed hearing his heartbeat externally in this space.
Eyes: Slower eye tracking than before. His eyebrows had relaxed. He watched a leaf fall to the grass.
Mind: Still always Shane. But not much else. Not much else…?
Eyes: One eyebrow lifted.
Legs: Standing up and walking him inside.
Thoughts: That motherfucker!
* * *
When Shane looked at his watch, it told him Ilya had only taken a little over twelve minutes to come find him inside this time.
“Hi. How are you feeling?”
Ilya narrowed his eyes at Shane as he sat on the end of the couch with his arms folded on his lap, “Tell me the truth. Did you Ilya me?”
Shane looked at him, he loved Ilya so much it was ridiculous, “I’m sorry, what? I don’t think that’s a thing. And let’s not forget who has been hurt here.”
“Shane! I believed that you were truly upset about it. The way my heart tried to launch out of my mouth. I nearly fell down so many stairs. Look at my shorts. They are facing my ass.”
“Was the towel too much? That part actually hurt to do.” Shane laughed and Ilya glared at him. “I mean, when I went to the bathroom and saw it there, it stung a little... But I’m sorry. It was just too perfect of an opportunity that you had left for me. Did it at least work?”
“…. Annoyingly, yes. I always forget the things that help me when I am stuck in my mind like that.” Ilya waved a hand past his face as he rolled his eyes.
“I know. It’s hard and you’re doing such a great job. I wanted you to feel better, but I didn’t want to just tell you what to do…”
Ilya’s face softened as he shuffled over until he was leaning against Shane’s chest. Shane put his arm around him and kissed his hair. Ilya looked up with a bashful grin, “So... you heisted me?”
“Look, you deserved it. I can’t believe you would flaunt your half of your new ‘Best Friends’ necklace that you share with Barrett of all people… in my own house!”
“He gave it to me as arcade captain gift and I wore it but only when at arcade, I swear! That is why it was on the bathroom counter this morning! You know you are my best friend and best everything, Shane. Troy is like, alternate best friend. For when you are busy. Besides I only gave him slap bracelet.”
“It’s okay, we’re square. I already solved the problem anyway...” Ilya’s entire body tensed as Shane knew he immediately understood what had been implied.
“Shane… tell me you did not.”
But Shane just grinned, “I did. And I even said it was your idea.”
“I would rather you divorce me right now. Hollander, I will pack my things. I am serious. Tell him you were hacked."
“Aw, but Hayden is so excited.”
