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If he honestly evaluated every interaction they had ever shared, right from their first meeting on that cold day in Saskatchewan, the logbook would show that Ilya had in fact brought more joy into Shane’s life than any other emotion. Shane felt it was significantly harder to do anything other than helplessly, utterly, desperately, immediately and perpetually love Ilya Rozanov. He had learned to stop fighting it a long time ago, the love that is. And Ilya, he added upon reflection.
Though Ilya seemed to desire romance and whimsy on a cellular level, it was usually one of the things Shane loved most about him. The way he was always so ready to let himself be swept away by wonder and awe. Being around him made Shane more mindful and present. Ilya was a man who demanded space for Shane from the world, proud to bear the pressure for him. And in turn, Shane was Ilya’s lighthouse. Eternally sweeping the horizon for signs of him, forever guiding him home.
However, love was not always enough, and Shane’s spotlight could only reach so far.
Take that day for example. Love would certainly not be the thing that would get Ilya to the cottage with “a car that no longer wishes to be a car,” as his text was so lyrically phrased.
Shane had not replied yet, needing to take a few deep breaths before even attempting a follow up question to that text that he suspected was an instant hall-of-famer.
With his phone on speaker Shane began putting on his shoes and collecting the necessary supplies. He wondered if Ilya realised he had given the least possible amount of information regarding the details of what/where/when and how he had ended up in this situation. Shane considered what he did know: Ilya was somewhere along the drive from the airport to the cottage and he was likely already bored. Shane would have to hurry.
* * *
“Good morning, my darling Shane. How are you?” Ilya sounded chipper when he answered the call.
“Uh, I’m good, but where are you? What happened?” Shane held the phone awkwardly as he moved around the cottage gathering everything he needed for the mystery that awaited him some indeterminate distance away. Would he need jumper cables? Would he need his battery tester? Shane mentally scanned the inventory of his shed. He could not have disliked the vague and slowly unfolding situation more in that moment.
“Ah, you know how it is. First, you are driving and singing along and thinking about how you will kiss your sexy man when you see him…”
“And then what?”
“Oh, well then I will start to do more than kiss you, I will-”
“No, I meant then what happened to your car?”
“Ah, less fun, well then it was like I hit moose.”
Shane slapped the phone to his ear, “Did you say you hit a moose?”
“No, I would have been much more sad if I hurt a moose! I said it was like I hit a moose. Big thump and then here I am.”
“Ilya, where is that exactly?” Shane could hear rustling and murmuring as he guessed Ilya was looking at the map on his phone.
“About halfway, of course. What are the odds that I would hit this ghost moose the furthest away I could have been from the airport and the cottage? You could not make this stuff up,” Ilya laughed and Shane heard the car door open.
“That’s shitty luck but don’t worry, I’m heading there now and we’ll get it sorted. Just stay by the car. Don’t go anywhere,” Shane located the last of his things and headed for the door.
“What do you mean? I should not have called the car people?” Ilya was perplexed that Shane would do anything other than offer him condolences and talk with him until roadside assistance arrived.
He noticed the line had gone silent, “Shane? Did we disconnect? Am I in dead zone? I will walk to nearest hill, wait for me.”
“No, Ilya, do not leave the car. I was just taking a moment to remove the knife from my back. That you would pay for a service that I can do for you is wild.” Shane could hear the whine in his voice, but he couldn’t help but want to rescue Ilya like a cheesy movie.
Ilya replied immediately, “Moy lyubov! You have so many talents it is simply hard to keep up. I will cancel the car people, and you may come instead.”
“Jeez, thank you for the honour.”
“You are most welcome.”
“Alright well I guess I’m going to head to you now, send me your location but please just stay safe and off the road until I get there. And call me if anything changes. Stay in the shade.”
“Yes, yes. I will do all of that. I think it is possible for me to find ways to entertain myself for an hour, Shane.”
“Yeah, that’s what I’m worried about.”
* * *
A little less than an hour and a half later, Shane and Ilya were driving back to the cottage. Together. In Shane’s car.
“Ilya, when we get back can you send me the contact for who did your last car service? I’m going to call them. It was really irresponsible to not have replaced your spare tire. I can’t believe they didn’t tell you either.” Shane placed his hand on Ilya’s leg and gave it a gentle squeeze.
“Mmhmm, sure,” Ilya continued to stare out the passenger window.
The trees passed the car in a medley of greens, undulating over grassed hills and bluffs. The forest breaking every so often for small clearings or unpaved roads heading towards the various lakes that dotted the region.
An automated voice surprised them both:
You have two voicemails from ‘Emergency Contact – Ilya Rozanov.’ Do you wish to play these---
“We do not need to listen to those,” Ilya spoke over the end of the message, reaching for Shane’s phone.
“I didn’t even realise you’d tried to call me. I’m sorry, I must have been in and out of range. Were you okay?” Shane’s heart sank that Ilya had needed him at least twice.
Ilya sniffed as he rubbed the side of his nose whilst replying, “No, it was nothing. Just boredom. I’ll delete them.”
“No, wait, I want to hear what you were thinking about.”
The first voicemail started as Shane expected.
Okay, well I have waited very patiently for… eighteen minutes so far. That is personal best. I have counted: one car. This one. One bird, I do not know which kind, but I will explain it to you later. Zero moose. Zero beavers. Zero bears. Zero cactus…
Shane paused the voicemail using the controls on his steering wheel and glanced at Ilya, “Did you think of things first and then count how many you could see of that thing?”
“Yes? Problem?”
Shane shrugged, “No. I just didn’t think of doing it that way before.” He tried to focus on the road then quietly added, “Aren’t there a lot of things not here?”
“Shane. I have had long day, can we just…” Ilya sighed and continued leaning his head against his passenger window. Shane chewed on the inside of his cheek, something felt off.
Okay, well. Now, I am going to stretch my legs. It is beautiful day, I cannot wait for you to collect me and turn this adventure back the right way again. Maybe we will swim later.
There were sounds of Ilya getting out of his car and the crunch of small pebbles under his feet. Shane was secretly glad that Ilya had stayed off the road, though he had only seen one car (his) in twenty minutes, it didn’t mean he was automatically safe.
Oh, I think I have spotted the problem, Shane! One of my tires is deflated like old balloon.
Shane tried to lighten the mood with a quick smile in Ilya’s direction, “Look at you investigating the scene,” but he was still not engaging. Shane considered that it might be embarrassment and made a mental note to look for any further signs.
I think this is the cause. What would you tell me to do?
Ilya put on his best Shane voice: Good job, Ilya. You are very perceptive. Continue not getting hit by all the cars that are speeding past.
Shane scoffed.
Okay, okay, let me find my spare. I think it is in the back here somewhere. Ah, there you are!
As he heard this, Shane’s eyebrows pressed down along the ridge of his eyes. Muffled sounds of Ilya moving things around in the back of his car filled the air between them.
Aha! You are going to be so impressed with me, Shane. Bet you did not think I would think to look for this, let alone find it so easily.
Shane paused the voicemail, “Find what?”
But Ilya had now turned his body away from Shane, staying silent. Shane glanced back at him after checking the road and noticed a small stick caught in one of the curls near the crown of his head.
“Ilya… are you going to tell me what happened or do I need to find out like I’m listening to an episode of a true crime podcast.” Ilya didn’t move. Shane resumed playing the voicemail. He heard odd grunts and the rustling of longer grass. The sound dimmed as Ilya presumably moved further away from where he had left his phone.
If you had given Shane unlimited guesses and time, he still would not have come up with what he had heard next.
It began with Ilya giggling.
Well, that part he would have guessed.
* * *
“Shane. Please let me back in the front seat. I feel like child back here!” Ilya strained against his seatbelt to get as close to Shane’s ear as possible.
“I don’t think I’m even ready to look at you, Ilya.”
“Good thing I am behind you then.” Ilya’s knees barely fit in the space provided, and he made no effort to hide that fact as he needled them into the back of Shane’s seat.
“Seriously. I am going to pull over in a minute if you don’t stop making this worse for everyone. But mostly me! What the fuck, Ilya!”
Ilya drew in a breath to respond but Shane cut him off, “Why did you even think hiding the spare tire from me would be funny? On what planet is that funny?”
Ilya’s voice was barely above a whisper, but Shane still caught him mutter, “This one…”
“Okay, no, you know what? It’s actually fine. I’ve just realised that I cannot in good conscience fuck someone who acts like this. Ever again. Wow, so a life of celibacy is it for me then.” Shane straightened his arms against the steering wheel as he felt Ilya’s legs jolt against the seat behind him.
“What! No! Do not say things you do not mean! Moy lyubimyy. No, no, no.” Shane felt Ilya’s hands grasp around at his sides and neck, lightly stroking his cheek from where he could reach.
“We had a good run. I’ll get by on the memories.”
“Shane! I cannot take much more of these unfair and sexy threats. I am sorry. I am so sorry. I did not know it would happen.”
“Ilya, you are smarter than that. You hid the fucking tire on a downhill incline. A round wheel, on a slope. Of course the tire was going to fucking roll away. Weren’t you even watching it?”
Ilya slumped back in his seat and mumbled.
“A little louder for those who are mature enough to be sitting in the front of the car, please?”
“… I wanted to film your face, your joy! So that we could laugh at this day instead of… well, basically all of this. So, I went back to get my phone. When I turned around, I only saw where tire had been.”
“What did you do then?” Shane could see in the rear-view mirror that Ilya was flushed red.
“I followed it, but it was very fast and I remember your voice saying stay by the car so I-”
“No way. Do not turn this around on me.”
“What can I do to make this up to you? I will do it! Anything!”
* * *
Ilya looked smaller and more guilt-ridden than Shane had ever seen him before. It took all his resolve to stick to his guns when he started to beg.
“Please. Could it not be that I do all housework? I could be your butler?” Ilya’s eyebrows raised a little at the latter suggestion. Shane shook his head.
“No, because you would like that last one too much.”
“Is true, cannot say I did not try. Okay… what about I put personal statement in Centaurs newsletter? Harris will help me. I can call him now. I will take full responsibility.”
Ilya clasped his hands around Shane’s calf and touched his forehead to Shane’s knee, “Please, anything but calling Hayden.”
“I just don’t trust that you won’t do something like this again unless the consequences are really bad…”
Ilya looked up, “Shane. I have aged ten years since you told me you will no longer fuck me. I promise you I will never do this again.”
Shane dropped one hand and cradled the side of Ilya’s face, his curls threading through Shane’s fingers. Ilya pressed into his palm and exhaled slowly over Shane’s skin. Fuck, surely the lesson had been learned by now.
“Okay, look, just know that how you’re feeling, that kind of frustration and disappointment? That is how I felt when I heard your voicemails. You didn’t even tell me yourself. In fact, in playing it back since we got home, I’m pretty sure you can hear the tire bouncing away.”
“That makes it a little bit funny though, yes?”
“God damnit, Ilya. Yeah, it really does.”
