Work Text:
"Can you please shut the lamp off and go to bed already? I'm trying to sleep here."
For the fifth time in the past 20 minutes, Cameron sighed. Lights out was an hour ago, but he was still sitting at his desk working on his Latin homework. Latin was never his strongest subject, but Meeks had a tutoring session with a younger student so he was unavailable to help. Which led to Cameron's current situation.
"Charlie, I told you I'd shut the lamp off when I'm finished with my homework," he huffed, running a hand through his hair as he continued writing.
"Dude, just finish it in the morning. I'm tired and I can't sleep with the light on," Charlie whined, tossing an arm over his eyes as he lay in his bed.
"Then I have to wake up earlier."
Charlie groaned before sitting up. "Look, I get wanting good grades, but this is just ridiculous. You've been working on homework all night, just put it down and go to bed already."
Cameron didn't respond, instead continuing to scrawl the answers on his Latin worksheet. He wanted to go to bed just as much as Charlie did, but unlike Charlie, he didn't come from a wealthy family. In order to keep his scholarship, Cameron had to keep his grades above a B or else he'd lose his scholarship. Without the scholarship, his parents wouldn't be able to afford to keep him at Welton any longer.
Cameron knew he was obsessive when it came to his grades. His father was hard on him growing up, never accepting anything lower than an A. Between his father's expectations and his scholarship, Cameron couldn't let his grades slip. He needed to stay at the top of his class and he would do anything to keep that spot, even if it meant losing a few hours of sleep to homework.
Before he could finish writing his next sentence, something soft hit the back of his head.
"Did you just throw your pillow at me?" Cameron asked, whipping around in his chair to face his roommate.
Charlie flashed his signature smirk. "Yes, yes I did."
Cameron groaned. "Charlie, I need to finish this worksheet. I don't have time for this," he said, gesturing between the two of them. "Now please stop distracting me. The faster I get this done, the faster the light goes off."
"Fine," Charlie said as he rolled his eyes. "But can I have my pillow back?"
Cameron leaned down to grab the pillow, chucking it at Charlie's head. He quickly turned back around to keep working, but smiled to himself when he heard the sound of the pillow hitting Charlie.
He listened as Charlie seemed to make himself comfortable in bed once more, assuming that Charlie was finally going to bed. Good, he thought. Maybe I can finally get some work done.
Five minutes later, Cameron heard a groan from behind him.
"Cameron, please," Charlie whined once more.
"Please what? I'm not even doing anything," Cameron huffed.
"You're mumbling."
"Mumbling?"
"Yes! You're mumbling everything you're writing!" Charlie said, clearly exasperated. "I can't sleep with all that mumbling."
Cameron felt his face heat up. He hadn't realized he'd been mumbling out loud. The realization that he had been disturbing Charlie's attempts at sleep hit, and he felt bad. He sighed, running a hand down his face.
"Sorry, I didn't realize I was doing that," Cameron said, feeling embarrassed.
Charlie gave Cameron a concerned look. "It's alright, Cam. Just try not to do it again, yeah?"
Cameron nodded, feeling dejected, before turning back to his homework. He felt bad, he was tired, and he was frustrated. He didn't want to keep working on his homework, he wanted to go to bed. He was exhausted.
As he stared at his worksheet, he could see the words on the page start to blur. Oh no, not now, he thought. Don't start crying. But no matter how badly he tried to wish away the tears, they began to fall anyways, landing on his homework.
Charlie watched as Cameron's resolve crumbled, immediately feeling bad for being so rude to him. Cameron didn't get emotional often, Charlie knew that. They'd been roommates since their first year at Welton, and Charlie could count on only one hand the amount of times he'd seen Cameron cry. And he hated seeing Cameron cry. Clearly, there was more bothering his roommate than just homework.
Charlie tossed his blanket to the side and got out of bed, padding over to his roommate's side.
"Richie, what's this all about?" He asked, placing a hand on Cameron's trembling shoulder.
"Nothing, I'm fine," Cameron replied, trying to brush Charlie off. "I just have to finish this."
"Cam," Charlie said firmly. "Look at me."
Cameron shook his head, beginning to tap his pencil against his desk nervously.
"Richie," Charlie said again before putting a finger under Cameron's chin and gently turning him.
Cameron looked at Charlie with wide, wet eyes and rosy cheeks. Charlie gave him a sad smile.
"What's going on? You don't usually get this worked up over homework. Did something happen?"
Cameron swallowed anxiously. "My grade is too low."
Charlie raised an eyebrow and tilted his head in confusion. "What are you talking about? You have all A's."
"Well, yeah, but..."
Cameron's voice got caught in his throat as he looked down to his lap. He heard Charlie crouch down next to the chair. He looked up slowly, his eyes finally meeting Charlie's once more. Charlie put his hands on Cameron's knees and gave him a soft smile.
"But what?" Charlie asked gently. "You can talk to me, you know."
Cameron gave him a skeptical look. "I thought you hated me."
Charlie sighed. "Cam, I don't hate you. I–"
"Do you honestly expect me to believe that? You treat me like shit, you know," Cameron said, feeling his anger rising.
"Look, Cam–"
"No, you look. You make fun of me all the time, you never want to include me in things, and you only ever want to talk to me when it involves me giving you the answers to the homework. You hate me, you don't have to lie to me. And you certainly don't have to act like you like me just because I'm upset," Cameron said, crossing his arms over his chest as if he was protecting himself.
If Charlie was being honest with himself, he was shocked by what Cameron had said.
"Richard, I don't hate you. And I never have," he said with sincerity and sadness in his voice.
"That's a laugh!" Cameron said before pushing Charlie's hands off of his knees and standing up. He walked over to his bed and sat down, sighing as he leaned forward. He rested his elbows on his knees and put his head in his hands.
Charlie stood to sit on the bed next to Cameron, making sure to keep his movements slow in case Cameron didn't want him there. When Cameron made no sign of wanting him to leave, he put a hand on Cameron's back.
"Will you please tell me why you're so upset right now?" Charlie asked again. "I've never seen you get like this. What's going on?"
Cameron sighed, knowing that Charlie would keep asking until he answered. "It was the call with my father, okay?"
Charlie furrowed his eyebrows. "The one from this weekend?" When Cameron nodded in confirmation, Charlie continued. "What did he say to you?"
"That if I keep doing this poorly in class, I can't stay at Welton," Cameron said, punctuating his sentence with a bitter laugh.
"Doing poorly? Dude, you have straight A's."
Charlie knew Cameron was hard on himself about his grades. He knew Cameron held himself to impossibly high standards. He didn't, however, know that it was his father who instilled that behavior in him.
Charlie had come to the assumption that all of the boys in his friend group—and likely the school, if he was being honest—had issues with their fathers. His friends were all pretty open about their issues for the most part, but Cameron was very tight-lipped. He usually brushed things off, but Charlie knew things were worse than they seemed since he'd been roommates with Cameron for so long. He knew that during his weakest, most vulnerable moments, Cameron would lie awake at night muffling his cries into his pillow after a bad call or visit from his father.
But Charlie still didn't know Cameron's reality. He didn't know that Cameron had to work harder than ever before to keep his scholarship. He didn't know that his father had been berating him for years if his grades dropped even by just one point. Cameron didn't want anyone knowing about the nature of his relationship with his father.
But, believe it or not, Cameron found himself trusting Charlie enough to tell him.
"My father got my last grade report in the mail. The last Latin quiz we had brought my average down to an A-, and my father doesn't approve. I have to keep my grades above a B in order to keep my scholarship," Cameron explained, exhaustion seeping into his voice.
"You're here on scholarship?" Charlie asked, but immediately cringed at the way it sounded. "I don't mean that in a bad way, sorry. I'm just surprised, you've never mentioned it."
"My father doesn't want people knowing my family can't afford to send me here. He says it would ruin our reputation," Cameron said. "And I guess I didn't really want people knowing too. Most of the student body comes from wealth, I don't want to be seen as any lesser than them."
"Cam, you know Neil and Pitts are here on scholarship, too. We don't see them any differently because of that. Welton is expensive as shit, and obviously not everyone comes from generational wealth."
Cameron sighed, running a hand down his face tiredly. "I know, but I don’t want to be even more of an outcast than I already am, so I don’t tell people I’m on scholarship. I just keep my head down, follow the rules, and keep my grades up so I don’t lose it. If I lose the scholarship, I can’t stay at Welton, and I need Welton because Welton students get more scholarship money for college. I need to graduate from here to get into Harvard. And if I don’t get into Harvard, my father–”
“Hey, hey, hey,” Charlie said, grabbing Cameron’s hands. “Cam, you gotta breathe.”
Cameron shook his head letting out a choked sob. He hadn’t realized he’d gotten so worked up as he was speaking to Charlie, but now he felt like he couldn’t breathe. He felt heavy and tired, and he just wanted everything to stop.
“Hey,” Charlie said again, keeping his voice soft and even so that Cameron would know everything was okay. “You’re okay, Rich. Just slow down a little, yeah?”
“Char,” Cameron cried, tears spilling down his face.
In all the years Charlie had known Cameron, he’d never used that nickname for him before. Charlie was used to his friends calling him Char, it was a nickname that came from Neil when they met in kindergarten. All of the other members of the Dead Poets Society used the nickname for him, he’d always felt like it was more affectionate. The only person who never used it was Cameron, so hearing him use it now surprised Charlie.
“I’m right here,” Charlie said as he squeezed Cameron’s hands. “How about we try to take some deep breaths together, hm?”
Charlie wrapped an arm around Cameron’s shoulders, holding him close to his chest. He rested his chin on top of Cameron’s head, using his other hand to keep Cameron’s face close to his chest so he could try to copy his breathing. Cameron gripped Charlie’s shirt tightly, his knuckles nearly white as he tried to stop spiralling.
Charlie exaggerated his breathing a bit, knowing that it sometimes helped when Todd had panic attacks. Todd had panic attacks a lot, so Neil told the rest of them what to do if they ever found Todd having one. Charlie hoped that some of what he learned from Neil would help Cameron too, because it was clear to him that what often happened to Todd was now happening to Cameron.
He was worried though, because to his knowledge, Cameron had never had a panic attack before.
“I can’t breathe,” Cameron choked out in a cracked whisper. “I can’t breathe, Charlie.”
“Yes, you can,” Charlie said calmly, trying to stop Cameron from spiralling further. “Just follow me, okay?”
“I can’t.”
Charlie rubbed his thumb against Cameron’s shoulder. “You’re Richard Cameron, you can do anything.”
“No, I can’t.” Cameron cried. “I’m a failure.”
Charlie squeezed Cameron a little tighter as he felt his heart break for the boy in his arms. Cameron was one of the smartest people Charlie knew. How could he think he was a failure? In that moment, Charlie decided that he would do everything he could to make sure Cameron knew he was so much more than what his father had told him.
Charlie held Cameron as they sat together on Cameron’s bed for what felt like hours. Charlie could tell Cameron needed this breakdown, so he let him cry to his heart's content. He didn’t shush Cameron, he simply held him and comforted him. He felt like he had to tread lightly though because Cameron never let his walls down like this. This was new territory, and Charlie knew that one wrong move could force Cameron to clam up and act like he was fine.
By the time Cameron’s cries died down, the moon had risen higher into the sky and began shining through the window. Cameron stayed curled against Charlie’s chest as he tried to catch his breath. Charlie lifted his head and leaned down to look into Cameron’s eyes.
“Do you want to talk about it?” He asked softly.
Cameron sighed. “I’m just so tired, Charlie.”
“Tired, how? Physically, mentally?”
Cameron rubbed at his eyes, trying to stop the last few tears from falling. “Both, I guess. It’s just– I try so hard to be perfect all the time, it’s exhausting. I’m always trying to please my father, but nothing I do is ever good enough for him. My grade in Latin is an A- by one point, yet he acts like it’s an F. It’s a really hard subject and I’m doing everything I can to improve, but sometimes I just don’t get it. But I feel like I have to get it because I don’t have room to make any mistakes, so I study until I get it, even if it takes all night.”
“When’s the last time you got a full night’s sleep?” Charlie asked, concern lacing his voice. Cameron usually went to sleep after he did, and woke up well before he woke. He didn’t actually know if Cameron even went to bed most nights.
“Two days ago,” Cameron said quietly.
“Two days?!” Charlie exclaimed. “Rich, that’s not healthy. That’s why you’re having breakdowns, because you’re exhausted and your body can’t keep up with you anymore. You need to put the homework down and sleep.”
“But my father–”
“Fuck your father,” Charlie said, effectively cutting Cameron off. “He’s not here is he?”
“Well, no, but–”
“That’s right, he’s not here. He can’t do anything to you right now, okay? You need to take a break from homework and get some sleep.”
“I don’t even know if I’ll be able to sleep,” Cameron said as he started fiddling with the hem of his shirt. “I’ll just feel like I should be studying.”
Charlie patted Cameron’s arm before standing up and holding a hand out to him. Cameron raised an eyebrow but took Charlie’s hand, allowing himself to be pulled to his feet. Charlie turned down Cameron’s bed and fluffed the pillow before laying down. Cameron stared at him, clearly confused.
“This is my bed, yours is over there,” he said, pointing over his shoulder.
Charlie let out a light laugh. “I know that. But I also know that if I leave you and go to sleep, you’ll just go back to doing homework.”
“So you’re sleeping in my bed?” Cameron asked, still confused.
“Yep! Now, get in here. I want cuddles,” Charlie said, holding his arms open.
Cameron stared at Charlie for a brief moment before rolling his eyes and climbing onto the bed. He laid down on his side, facing away from Charlie, and listened to Charlie moving behind him. Charlie pulled the blankets over them before settling down. He laid on his side and cuddled right up against Cameron, his chest against Cameron’s back as their legs slotted together. He wrapped an arm around Cameron’s middle and held him close.
Cameron was surprised by Charlie’s actions, but he felt safe in Charlie’s arms, so he let himself be held. He could feel the tension leave his shoulders as the exhaustion finally settled into his bones. He felt his eyes begin to close as the world drifted away.
Charlie propped himself up on his elbow and looked down at Cameron.
“Richie?” He asked quietly.
Cameron turned his head to look at Charlie, peeling his eyes open. “Yeah?”
“I really don’t hate you.”
“You promise?” Cameron asked quietly. Charlie could see the vulnerability in his eyes.
“I promise,” Charlie said. “I really, really, don’t hate you.”
“I don’t hate you either,” Cameron whispered, his eyes drifting down to Charlie’s lips. Charlie noticed the shift.
Charlie closed his eyes and leaned over Cameron, pressing their lips together and capturing them in a kiss. Cameron’s eyes fluttered closed as he melted against Charlie, letting himself roll onto his back. Charlie kept a hand on Cameron’s waist, his thumb gently rubbing the smooth skin of his hip where his shirt had begun riding up. He moved his other hand to rest gently against Cameron’s jaw, moving Cameron’s head to get a better angle. Cameron sighed against Charlie’s lips, his hands coming around Charlie to grip the back of his shirt, holding him close.
After a few more seconds, they separated their lips but remained nose-to-nose as they stared at each other with stars in their eyes and soft smiles on their faces.
“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that,” Charlie whispered, his lips barely brushing against Cameron’s as he spoke.
“Char,” Cameron exhaled, his brain feeling like mush in his head as he processed their kiss.
“Richie.”
“You really don’t hate me.”
Charlie smiled and shook his head. “I really don’t hate you, doll.”
Cameron felt his cheeks heat up as he leaned up to quickly kiss Charlie once more. As he pulled away, Charlie chased his lips, pouting when Cameron wouldn’t kiss him again.
“I’m tired,” Cameron said by way of explanation.
Charlie, having nearly forgotten how they ended up in this situation, let out a short laugh. “Yeah, you should probably get some sleep now. And hey, sleep in tomorrow, will you? It’s Saturday.”
“But I have to study for–”
“Rich, no,” Charlie said firmly. “You need a break. There’s no class on the weekends, so sleep late tomorrow. You just told me you haven’t slept in two days, your body needs to rest.”
Cameron huffed. “Fine.”
Charlie smiled before laying back down beside Cameron, pulling him close. Cameron curled up against Charlie’s side, resting his head on Charlie’s shoulder. He closed his eyes and breathed for a few minutes, relishing in the feeling of being in Charlie’s warm, solid, and safe arms. He smiled when he felt Charlie’s lips press against his forehead.
“Charlie?”
Charlie hummed, moving a hand up to let his fingers card through Cameron’s hair.
“Thank you.”
Charlie kissed his forehead once more. “Get some sleep.”
Finally feeling like he was no longer carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, Cameron finally let himself drift off into a peaceful sleep.
The next day would find him waking well into the afternoon, with Charlie laying beside him, carding his fingers through Cameron’s hair and smiling at him with nothing but adoration in his eyes. Cameron would look at Charlie and know that everything would be okay because he knew Charlie would always be there to bring him back to shore when he felt like he was drifting away.