Work Text:
I'm the tall glass of water you lost in your kitchen
I'm casually cruel like a senior prediction
Most likely to leave at the sign of a
Fork in the road
You look just like your father as the news was delivered
Cut a hole in my heart that bled into my liver
I miss being alone when it didn't mean
Being alone
Noah Kahan - Pain Is Cold Water
Bradley wants more than anything to forget those days out in the snow and the darkness that followed. Even now it returns to him, aftertaste still clinging on even after five years.
Jake doesn't wake this time as Bradley catches his breath, the nightmare having stolen the air from his weary lungs. Most nights, Jake will wind his arms back around Bradley, trying to offer some comfort. It doesn't help, but Bradley doesn't need to tell him that. He knows Jake is just trying to be there for him.
He slips from their bed, sparing a glance at Jake in the sliver of light from the doorway. He's breathing steadily, his hair strewn in every direction. How lucky Bradley is to get to love him again. With his mouth open, he's drooling a little on the pillow. Bradley feels his racing heart skip a beat at the sight. Jake, his Jake, in their home like nothing has changed.
It's a reality that Bradley works hard to uphold. He has everything he ever wanted—a life with Jake, friends he would do anything for. He's even starting to fix things with Mav, something he didn't know he wanted until they were torn apart.
Only none of this is his. The house, the life, the love people offer to Bradley so freely. All of the good in his life belongs to a version of Bradley that no longer exists. Sometimes, Bradley thinks he might be the only person who sees that.
He keeps it secret, close to his chest. It's not easy to pretend, but it's worth every second just to see the smile return to Jake's face. Five years ago, Jake Seresin lost the love of his life—but he got him back, as far as he knows. Who is Bradley to take that away from him?
In the dead of night, the air is almost cool against Bradley's skin. He chews at his fingernails as he sits on the back porch, a habit he never used to have before the mission. Bradley doesn't know why he feels the need to hide it from Jake. It's such a small thing in the big picture of all the ways Bradley doesn't quite fit back into their old life—such a little inconsistency that threatens to shatter the illusion.
Every moment, Bradley is just one wrong move away from showing Jake the truth, robbing him of the Bradley he remembers once and for all.
He tries not to wake Jake as he sneaks back into their room, the sunrise painting the sky with the same red that clings to the skin around Bradley's nails.
It doesn't work, of course. It never does. Jake's breathing changes and he stretches, opening his arms to envelop Bradley again. "Another nightmare?"
This lie is one of the easier ones Bradley routinely tells. "Just needed some water." He murmurs as he settles back into Jake's arms. "Go back to sleep."
"I could say the same to you." Jake whispers, that familiar playful snark subdued. He leans close to press a kiss to Bradley's temple, one hand splayed over his chest. Despite what Jake was told so long ago, that heart never stopped beating.
When Bradley first returned to his old life, Jake hadn't known about the nightmares. They didn't wait to show themselves, in Bradley's mind on that first night in this house. You don't have to tell me what you saw, Jake had said that night, not if you don't want to.
There hasn't been a night since that Bradley wanted to put that knowledge on Jake's shoulders, blood, snow, smoke. So he keeps quiet, plays pretend like any good partner would. The role he plays is familiar, after all, even if it isn't him anymore.
Bradley has long since given up trying to parse where the old him died and the new one began. Was it out in the snow? Was it caged in concrete walls, only a tiny window to remind him the outside world existed?
Or was it here in Jake's arms—the only home Bradley has left.
─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───
"You're sure you don't want me to drive you?" Jake asks as Bradley tosses his bag onto the backseat.
"I'm sure." Bradley assures him. He's looking forward to making the drive alone—not that he'd say that out loud.
It's not that Jake smothers him. Almost the opposite, actually. He's as supportive as anyone could ask for, every bit as sweet as he always was beneath that sour exterior. Only that's the part that Bradley misses, the push and pull, the sharp teeth Jake never shows anymore. He hovers, he cares, but he never picks a fight.
Is it wrong to miss the bad times?
Today, Bradley is headed out to the desert to visit Mav. It's a familiar route now, and Bradley likes the silence more than he ever used to. Once upon a time, he would have screamed along to the radio the whole way, letting his voice wear thin. He's not that person anymore.
When he reaches the hangar, the door is already open. Bradley steps inside and calls out. Maverick makes his way over, wearing that same cheesy smile he's always had.
As they sip coffee on Mav's couch, Bradley feels himself relax. He doesn't have to pretend here—Maverick knows what it's like to disappear. It helps, too, that Maverick hardly knew the old Bradley. The lies Bradley upholds around Jake hold no weight here.
"I thought we might take her up today." Maverick offers as Bradley melts into the couch cushions. He's gesturing to the mustang, and Bradley's heart drops.
He hasn't flown since the mission. Back in Texas, the Navy had him do everything but fly, worried about protecting his new identity. The last time he was in the air was on transport back after their rescue, still reeling from what he'd been through.
Maverick is still a pilot, Bradley knows that. He got out of the Navy, but he takes the Mustang out for airshows these days. Not even death could pull the man from the sky for long. "I don't know, Mav." Bradley shakes his head.
"Another time, then." Maverick says with a nod.
Bradley doesn't know how to tell him that there might never be a time when he feels ready to face the open sky again. "Sure. Another time."
"How are things back home?" Mav asks instead. "Settling in okay?"
"Good." Bradley mutters. There's no need to pretend here, he reminds himself. "Do you ever feel like maybe we never really came home?"
"All the time, kid." Maverick gestures around them. "There's a reason I still live out here."
"I feel like Jake needs something from me that I don't know how to give." Bradley says, digging a rough nail into the pad of his thumb.
"He loves you, Bradley." Maverick says like it's supposed to be obvious. It doesn't feel obvious. "What else could he need?"
"But he doesn't love me, Mav. Bradley, Henry—whoever I am now." Bradley exhales through his nose. "He loves the memory."
Maverick looks at him with an expression Bradley can't name. "Have you talked to him about this?"
"I don't want to scare him." He fails to hide the shake in his voice. "He only just got me back."
"Maybe he wants to be scared, Bradley." Mav says. "So you don't have to feel all of this alone."
"I can't put that on him."
Mav's hand comes to rest gently on Bradley's arm. "You can't hide from him forever, kid."
"What if I want to?" Bradley whispers. His voice breaks as he tries to force it louder. "What if it's easier to pretend?"
"Easier doesn't always mean better, Bradley. I learned that the hard way." Mav's tone falters. "I don't know Jake as well as I'd like to, but the Hangman I remember wouldn't want you to soften the blow."
"You're right, Mav." Bradley pulls himself to stand, letting Maverick's hand fall away. "You don't know him at all."
He turns to leave without a goodbye, all too aware of Maverick's eyes following him as he goes.
The rush of the wind as Bradley makes for San Diego drowns out his mind for a brief, merciful moment. Then the sun sets and the wind drops, leaving nothing to distract Bradley from his own thoughts.
The plan was always to stay at the hangar overnight, spare himself the drive back until he'd gotten some sleep. Bradley couldn't even handle that, weaker than he once was. Maybe he's always been that way. Too scared to tell his mother goodbye when he still had time. Too much of a coward to face Mav after he pulled Bradley's papers, too weak to face him now.
Sick with it all, Bradley pulls over to the side of the road. He's too far away from the hangar to turn back now, unable to confront his own leaving just like he had been at seventeen. San Diego is still hours away, and Bradley's hands shake at the thought of Jake seeing him like this.
So he stays there, listening every once in a while when a car rushes past, letting the empty silence of the desert in between soothe his tired soul. It's strangely peaceful in a way Bradley has never felt before, only the stars left to witness him break.
No sleep comes to him that night, no nightmares. The sun rises over the hills on the horizon. They could be barely out of reach or a hundred miles away as Bradley watches them fade from pink to red to orange.
With the sun behind him, Bradley kicks the engine back into action, fighting to stay awake. He promised a long time ago that he would always come home to Jake. Bradley broke that promise once, and he refuses to put Jake through that again.
On the doorstep, Bradley can't seem to remember how he got there. The Bronco is parked behind him, the sun beating down on his back. The last thing Bradley remembers is the sign welcoming him to San Diego. Just as soon as he unlocks the door, Jake is right there waiting for him.
His tone is all concern, calmer than he has any right to be. "Mav told me you left. I waited up for you."
"You didn't have to do that." Bradley tries to tell him.
"Yes I did." Jake says, confused. "You scared me, Bradley. You promised me you wouldn't disappear again, remember?"
"I remember." Bradley manages to tell him.
"Where have you been?" Jake asks, not a hint of anger in his voice.
"Pulled over somewhere." Bradley explains. "I didn't want to drive in the dark."
"Okay." Jake pulls Bradley close, a hand to the nape of his neck the way that always used to ground Bradley. It doesn't.
"That's it?" Bradley asks into Jake's shoulder. "You're not angry?"
Jake pulls away so he can look at Bradley, giving him space to breathe again. "Of course not."
It's wrong, all wrong. Bradley wishes more than anything that Jake would drop the act, scream at Bradley the way he deserves. Instead, Jake kisses his forehead. "I'm not angry, darlin'. You came home, didn't you?"
Bradley doesn't have the heart to disagree.
─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───
At the bar a few days later, Bradley lets himself fade into the background as his friends laugh around him. Jake notices, like he always does, bumping Bradley's shoulder to check in. "Time to head home?"
Bradley shakes his head. "Not yet." He answers. He doesn't need to be the one who ruins everyone's fun. Besides, it's easier to pretend with a crowd to blend into.
They stay until the crowd thins out and everyone's cabs start to arrive. The beer Bradley spent all night working on turns in his stomach, not enough to make him really feel it. Even so, Jake takes the driver's seat. He doesn't drink like he used to—says he got sick of the taste. Bradley remembers the state he found Jake in back in Texas, quietly grateful that he won't have to see him like that again.
At home, there's nothing to do but go straight to bed. This is the routine, the unspoken rules set out to keep them in one piece. They don't touch like they used to. Bradley isn't sure he could still be what Jake needs after all their years apart.
Jake respects the distance that Bradley keeps him at, of course he does, every bit the gentleman he once pretended not to be.
"What's on your mind?" Jake asks into the darkness.
"Nothing." Bradley lies.
Jake shifts behind him, and Bradley can feel the way Jake looks at him from where he lays. "I can hear you thinking. Will you just talk to me for once?"
"What about, Jake?" Bradley asks in return. He stays right where he is, curled in on himself and facing the wall.
"Whatever you want to, darlin'." Jake murmurs, kissing Bradley between his shoulder blades. "Whatever it is that's bothering you."
Bradley sighs as Jake breathes against his spine. "Nothing's bothering me."
That's all it takes for Jake to pull away. "Please don't lie to me." The way he says it threatens to break Bradley's heart. "We promised we wouldn't do that to each other."
"I never promised that." Bradley reminds him.
"Isn't that supposed to be part of this whole thing?"
Bradley shrugs as he shifts to lay on his back, looking up at Jake. "What whole thing?"
"A relationship?" Jake's voice breaks from a whisper. "Jesus, Bradley, I thought we were past this." He flips on the lamp. "I'm sick of watching you pretend everything is fine when I can see that it's not. Don't you respect me enough to know I'm not that easy to fool?"
Bradley tries to reassure him. "I'm not trying to fool you. I really am doing alright."
"Bullshit." Jake replies. There's the hint of a sharp edge to his tone now—Bradley has longed for the way it bites into him, a familiar sting he hasn't felt in so long. "You're hurting, sweetheart. It's so fucking obvious, but you still keep insisting that nothing is wrong." He rests a hand on Bradley's shoulder. "Is it because of me?"
Bradley shrugs Jake's hand away. "Of course not." In saying it, he admits what he hadn't wanted to. "You don't have to worry about me."
"I love you." Jake tells him. "If there's something wrong, I want to be worried."
"You don't love me. Don't you get it, Jake?" Bradley picks up the photo on his nightstand. There they are, sitting together by the ocean. The smile on Bradley's face is one he doesn't recognise anymore. "I'm not him, honey." He shoves the frame against Jake's chest. "I'm just his ghost."
Jake sets the photo down on his own nightstand, letting his voice drop back to the sickly calm Bradley can't bear. "You're right here, Bradley." He places a hand in the centre of Bradley's chest, right over his heart.
It's too much. Bradley pulls away and drags himself out of bed, desperate for fresh air. He pulls on his jeans before Jake can react, turning to leave.
Bradley walks out into the night, his feet carrying him forward where his mind is too tired to pick a direction.
When he stops, he's in a place he was never brave enough to tread. The headstone stares Bradley down as he kneels on the earth. Soldier, hero, martyr. All things Bradley ceased to be half a decade ago. Beloved son, devoted friend.
Here lies Bradley Peter Bradshaw, he thinks as he lays his head down on the grass. Liar, coward, failure.
─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───
"I thought I might find you here."
The voice is familiar, but takes Bradley too long to place in the haze at the edge of sleep. He rushes to sit up as a hand brushes against his forehead. Maverick looks down at him, dawn light softening his features.
He kneels down to sit opposite Bradley. That's what tips him over the edge, in the end. Bradley throws himself into Maverick's open arms and lets the world fall away around him as sobs shake him right through to the bones.
Mav shushes him softly, staying right here when Bradley needs him most. "I know, kid." He murmurs as Bradley speaks nonsense, trying to put to words everything he's held back. "I know."
Maverick drives him home, leaving Bradley feeling like he used to when he was just a kid staying out too late. "You have to talk to him, Bradley." He says as they climb out of the car. "I can't make you, but I'm still asking you to." Maverick's tone is dead serious as he walks Bradley to the doorstep. "You can't keep shutting him out."
"He won't understand it, Mav." Bradley tries to insist. "He doesn't know what it's like."
"And he never will unless you tell him." Maverick replies. "Give Jake a little credit, kid. He can handle this."
With that, Maverick turns and leaves Bradley to think through his next steps alone. Bradley steels his nerves and turns the key, not ready to face what he knows he has to.
Jake is still, watching Bradley from where he stands just across the room. This time, it's Bradley who moves first. He steps over to Jake, offering his shaking form for Jake's judgement, looping his arms around Jake's shoulders and pulling him into a kiss. It's messy, and Bradley feels it more than any they've shared since his return.
He's crying into the kiss before he can hold back, tasting the salt where his mouth meets Jake's. That's when Jake breaks the kiss, holding Bradley tight. Bradley speaks into the silence. "I'm not alright, Jake."
"You don't have to be." Jake tells him. "I never should have let you pretend for so long. That wasn't fair to you."
"You did the best you could, Jake." Bradley says. "I'm the one who kept up the lie."
"It doesn't matter." Jake whispers, still holding him close. "None of it matters."
It settles Bradley's tired mind. "I'm not the same person I was when I left on that mission."
"I don't need you to be the same, darlin'." Jake murmurs. He kisses Bradley again, brief, soft. For once, Bradley can bear how gentle it is. "I just need you to know that I still love you."
"How can you?" Bradley asks.
"The same way you still love me." Jake answers. "I don't know how to do anything else."
─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───
There's a creaking behind Bradley as he sits out on the porch. The stars are few here, too many lights still shining in the city. Still, they bring Bradley comfort after the worst nightmares.
Jake sits down, snaking his arms around Bradley's chest and laying his head on his shoulder. He's still half asleep, Bradley can tell just from the way he moves, stilted, tired. Bradley's heart leaps at the way Jake's gentle breaths fall on his shoulder.
"You should go back to bed." Bradley tries to tell him.
"Not without you." Jake mumbles against his neck. It takes Bradley a moment to figure out what he says next. "Tell me."
"What I saw?" Bradley asks. Jake hums against him as a yes. "It's not a nice story."
"Tell me anyway."
"Okay." Bradley has to pause for a long time, psyching himself up. Jake doesn't seem to mind. "It starts with the mission. I turn back, get shot down." He breathes through the shake of his hands. "Then everything goes cold. Little bits here and there, the snow, the cell they kept us in. The dream never gets as far as when we escaped."
"Escaped?" Jake asks. "You told me they found you."
"They did, but it was after we got out. We had no outside contact for the two weeks we were trapped there. Since they couldn't approve a rescue effort with no proof of life, no one came to get us."
Jake looks confused. "What happened to three weeks?"
"Three weeks between the mission and our rescue." He explains. "Two weeks in the compound, wherever that was. Mav got us out, but we were still miles away from anything." Bradley pauses, trying not to drag up too many memories. The ones that remain are abstract, more feeling than thought. Cold weather still messes with his head. "We were out in the snow for another week before anyone managed to pick up the signal from my ESAT. It's a miracle we weren't caught again before that. I guess the snow must have covered our tracks."
"Christ." Jake mutters. His hand has found Bradley's, brushing over the rough scars left there by frostbite. "How did you survive out there?"
"You'd have to ask Maverick." Bradley says with a small shrug. "I don't really remember much after we escaped. I wouldn't want to, either."
Jake squeezes Bradley's hand. "I'm glad you made it back."
"Me too." Bradley only realises it's true as he says it. "I thought I could do this, you know. I thought I could just come home and everything would go back to the way it was."
"I'm glad it didn't." Jake declares. "Think about it for a second. Things were a mess back then, Bradley. We were a mess." He says. "I get it, though. After they told me you were gone… God, I would have given anything just to hear you give me a piece of your mind one last time. Rose-tinted glasses, I guess. Our lives weren't perfect back then, darlin', far from it."
The words are the missing piece of the puzzle Bradley has been trying to solve all this time. He thinks back to the life he had five years ago. Jake had split when things got serious. Bradley never blamed him, but it was hard on both of them. It had been nearly two decades since Bradley had spoken to Maverick, too bitter to attempt to reconcile the hurt they'd dealt to each other.
And that's just it, isn't it? Through all of this—Jake's leaving, the mission, the life he'd failed to build between then and now—Bradley had been miserable. Then here he was, back in a city he knows all too well, family and friends and Jake at his side. It's the first time in half his life Bradley has had something that feels permanent.
"I don't know how to do this." He murmurs to Jake, brushing his thumb over Jake's.
Jake presses a kiss to his shoulder. "Do what?"
"All of this." Bradley gestures around. "You, Mav, all of our friends. I've never had this many good things and actually held on to them."
"You don't have to hold on, Bradley." Jake tells him. "We're not going anywhere. Just let us be here for you."
"What if I've forgotten how to be happy?"
Jake sighs, letting his head fall back to Bradley's shoulder as they breathe in unison. "That's alright." He says it like a promise. "We can figure it out together."
─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───
"I'm still not sure about this, Mav." Bradley has to raise his voice to be heard over the sound of the engine. "Can this relic still fly?"
"Like a dream, kid." Maverick flips a final few controls. "Relax."
"Easy for you to say." Bradley grumbles as they begin to taxi. He has to crane his neck to see what Maverick is doing up front, and even then it's a struggle. "You're sure you know how to pilot this thing?"
"Just like riding a bike."
Bradley is sure that's not true, but they're already approaching the runway as Mav says it. He looks back to the hangar, watching as Jake waves them off, growing further and further away. Then they're rushing towards the open sky, that feeling of weightlessness taking over. Bradley has missed it, he really has. From up here, the world seems to stretch on forever, the sky cloudless, never-ending.
Maverick rolls the plane before Bradley has time to prepare himself. Butterflies take flight in his gut, drawing a sound of pure joy from him. Bradley laughs, breathless and giddy as they soar over the desert.
Back on solid ground, he's shaky as he comes down from the adrenaline high. Jake is waiting right there to catch him, picking Bradley up off the ground and spinning them as one.
"Careful, Lieutenant." Mav's voice comes from behind him. "Don't break the kid. I only just got him back."
"I wouldn't dare, sir." Jake says through his trademark grin. "I'm planning on keeping him for a long time."
Bradley worms his way out of Jake's arms as his feet return to the concrete again. "That a promise, Seresin?" He asks with a light shove.
"That depends, Bradshaw." Jake says, his smile softening, almost sheepish. "Do you want it to be?" He fishes around in his pocket for something, withdrawing a small box.
Jake doesn't even have a chance to open it before Bradley is back in his arms, kissing him soundly. "Yes." Bradley breathes against Jake's lips. "Yes, you beautiful idiot."
"It's not too late for me to change my mind, you know." Jake can't even begin to sound anything other than completely adoring.
"You wouldn't dare." Bradley brushes their noses together. "You're stuck with me forever, honey."
"Forever, huh?" Jake whispers. "I like the sound of that."
─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───
The ring glints in the moonlight as Bradley sits up against his pillows. The nightmares have been getting better these past few months, but sleep still doesn't come easy. It's after midnight, well past time for Bradley to get well needed rest before the day begins. Jake breathes deeply as he turns over, fishing around with his eyes closed until his hand finds Bradley's. "Go back to sleep." Bradley says.
Jake stirs a little more, getting both arms around Bradley's waist and using his stomach as a pillow. He buries his face in Bradley's shirt, mumbling as he settles there. "Big day today."
"Sure is." Bradley sets a hand in the centre of Jake's back, absentmindedly moving it up and down his spine. "Nervous?"
"Me?" Jake smiles. "Never."
"What was it we said about telling the truth?" Bradley asks.
"I never swore to that." Jake jests. "Ask me again tonight."
Bradley runs a hand through his fiancé's hair, scratching just behind his ear. It earns him a pleased sigh from Jake, who nestles even closer somehow. "Ellie's flight got in okay?"
Jake hums a yes. "She'll be there."
"It'll be nice to meet her properly." Bradley admits. He only met Jake's sister once, back when he and Jake were newly reunited. Bradley hopes she likes him.
"She's gonna love you." Jake says before Bradley can even speak the question aloud. He nuzzles under Bradley's shirt and presses a kiss to his stomach. "Close your eyes, now, darlin'. Can't have you falling asleep before we get to the courthouse."
"I wouldn't dream of it." Bradley says as he moves to lay down properly, careful not to disturb Jake too much. "Jake?" He murmurs as his fiancé's head settles on his chest.
"Something on your mind?" Jake asks.
"I'm sorry I was gone for so long." Bradley tells him. "We lost so much time."
Jake hugs Bradley even tighter, gentle as ever. "We've got the rest of our lives to make up for it, sweetheart." He breathes the words. "I wouldn't change a thing."