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Katherine Anne Bishop
The air in the safehouse was thick with the smell of high-end espresso and gunpowder. Kate Bishop, world-class archer and self-appointed "coolest person in the room," was currently failing at the one thing she thought she excelled at: CHARM.
Yelena Belova was sitting on the floor, field-stripping a Glock with the surgical precision of a woman who didn't have time for subtext.
"You know, Yelena," Kate said, leaning against the doorframe in what she hoped was a 'mysterious' pose. "I’ve been thinking about your tactical vest. It really brings out the green in your eyes. Very 'deadly forest' chic."
Yelena didn't look up. "It is Kevlar, Kate Bishop. It is designed to stop bullets, not to be 'chic.' Also, the green is from the lack of sleep. Do you want some coffee or not?"
From the kitchen, Clint Barton audibly snorted into his mug. "Zero for one, kid. Stick to the trick arrows."
The Bishop Guide to Winning a Black Widow
Phase 1: The Tactical Compliment
Kate decided she needed a strategy. If Yelena didn't respond to fashion, she’d respond to food.
The Attempt: Kate brought home a box of artisanal macaroons. "I got these because they remind me of you. Hard on the outside, but surprisingly sweet if you get past the shell."
The Result: Yelena took a bite of a pistachio one. "This is very expensive sugar. You are being scammed. Also, I am not a cookie. If I were a food, I would be a beet. Reliable and stains everything red."
The Witness: Peter Parker, who had dropped by for a tech swap, looked between them awkwardly. "I think... I think she was saying you’re sweet, Yelena. Like, metaphorically?"
"Peter, do not be ridiculous," Yelena scoffed. "Kate is just high on glucose."
Phase 2: The Physical Proximity Maneuver
If words didn't work, maybe "accidental" closeness would.
The Attempt: During a sparring session, Kate managed to pin Yelena—mostly because Yelena let her to see what she’d do. Kate lingered, her face inches from Yelena’s. "You’ve got a bit of... something right here," Kate whispered, reaching for Yelena’s cheek.
The Result: Yelena’s hand snapped up, grabbing Kate’s wrist in a thumb-lock. "A smudge of grease? I saw it in the mirror. I was leaving it there to see if you would notice. Good job, your situational awareness is improving."
The Witness: Natasha Romanoff, leaning against the gym wall, shook her head. "She’s literally holding your hand, Yelena. Give the girl a break."
"She is checking my pulse for irregularities, Natasha! It is a medical concern!"
Phase 3: The Gift of 'Special' Equipment
Bribing an assassin with gear is a classic move.
The Attempt: Kate presented a custom-made, purple-trimmed utility belt. "I spent all night on this. It has a hidden compartment for... well, whatever you want. Just like how I have a hidden spot in my heart for—"
The Result: Yelena took the belt and immediately started ripping the purple stitching out. "The purple is too bright for night ops, Kate Bishop. But the reinforced buckle is excellent. I will use this to carry my extra garrote wires. Thank you for this professional tribute."
The Witness: Carol Danvers, landing on the balcony to drop off a report, squinted through the glass. "Did she just call a romantic gift a 'professional tribute'? That’s cold. Even for space."
Phase 4: The Heroic Rescue (Emotional Edition)
Kate decided to be vulnerable. That always worked in the movies.
The Attempt: After a rough mission, Kate sat on the fire escape, looking "wistfully" at the skyline. "Sometimes I feel like I'm searching for something, you know? Like a partner who really... 'gets' me. Someone who sees the person behind the mask."
The Result: Yelena sat down next to her and handed her a tactical flashlight. "If you are having trouble seeing, Kate, you should use a higher lumen. Your human eyes are weak. Also, I 'get' you. You are a golden retriever in human form. It is not that complex."
The Witness: Sam Wilson, flying past on a patrol, banked low enough to shout: "She’s pouring her soul out, Belova! Catch a hint!"
"Go away, Bird-Man! We are discussing optics!"
Phase 5: The Direct Approach (The Hail Mary)
Kate had reached her limit.
The Attempt: They were in a crowded subway car. Kate leaned in, whispering directly into Yelena’s ear. "Yelena. I am flirting with you. I have been for three weeks. I want to take you on a date. To a restaurant. With candles. And no weapons."
The Result: Yelena’s eyes widened. She turned to Kate, looking genuinely impressed. "A restaurant with no weapons? Kate Bishop, that is the most dangerous mission you have ever proposed. How will we defend ourselves against the appetizers? This is a test of my skills. I accept your challenge."
The Witness: A random New York Commuter, lowered his newspaper. "I think she just wants to buy you dinner, lady."
Yelena blinked, finally looking at Kate’s blushing face. A slow, terrifyingly sharp smirk spread across her lips. "Oh. Dinner. With the candles and the looking into the eyes?"
"Yes!" Kate exhaled.
"Fine," Yelena said, tucking a stray hair behind Kate’s ear. "But I am still bringing a knife. For the steak, Kate Bishop. Only for the steak."
-x-
Yelena Belova
The Real Widow’s Bite
Yelena Belova did not become the world’s most efficient assassin by missing details. She noticed everything. The sound of Kate Bishop’s boots on the roof (the right heel was starting to wear down). The specific, slightly floral smell of her hair product (excessive, but not unpleasant). And, most obvious of all, Kate’s constant, clumsy attempts to flirt.
Yelena knew. Of course she knew.
But it was entertaining. Yelena had spent her life being trained; watching Kate sweat while trying to deliver a suave line was better than any Netflix show. Plus, the reactions of Clint, Peter, Natasha, Carol, and Sam provided excellent tactical data on how easily people were distracted by sentimentality.
She was just playing the long game. The 'very' long game.
But tonight, at the celebratory party following their latest successful (and highly destructive) mission, Kate Bishop looked like she was about to snap.
They were in Clint Barton’s safehouse living room. The air was thick with the smell of shawarma and cheap beer.
Phase 1: The Critical Mass
Kate was currently vibrating with frustration. She had cornered Yelena near the drinks table. Kate looked 'good'—she was wearing a dark purple blazer over a black tank top, and she’d actually brushed her hair.
"You know, Yelena," Kate said, trying for 'confident' but landing somewhere near 'caffeinated panic.' "I feel like we made a great team today. A very... 'dynamic' team. The way you stabbed that robot, and the way I shot that 'other' robot? It was poetic."
Yelena took a slow sip of her vodka. She knew Clint was watching from the couch. "It was physics, Kate Bishop. Leverages and velocities. I do not see the poetry."
"Right. Physics. But, like... 'romantic' physics?" Kate tried, her voice cracking slightly. "The chemistry of combat?"
Yelena didn't blink. "Chemistry is when things explode. Combat is when people explode. I do not see the romance in gore."
Kate deflated so fast she almost physically shrunk. She leaned her forehead against the wall. Clint, sitting next to Natasha, raised his hand to hide his laugh, which just looked like he was saluting Kate’s failure.
Phase 2: The Breakthrough
Kate stood up straight, eyes blazing with a desperate, manic energy. "Okay. No. I’m done. I can’t do this anymore. You are impossibly dense, Yelena Belova!"
Yelena raised an eyebrow. "I am robust. Not 'dense'."
"No! I have given you customized tactical gear! I have brought you delicate French pastries! I have stared wistfully at skylines and 'explicitly told you' that you are a beautiful beet-cookie!" Kate was shouting now, gesturing wildly. "And every single time, you treat it like a mission briefing or a gear inspection! I am 'into' you! I want to take you out! I want to hold your scary, lethal hands and maybe... I don't know, buy you a really expensive taco! Is that so hard to understand?!"
Kate stopped, chest heaving, her face a bright, scarlet color that matched Yelena’s metaphorical beets.
The room went dead silent. Even Peter Parker stopped eating his fourth donut.
Phase 3: The Response
Yelena set her vodka glass down with a quiet, deliberate clink.
She didn't look dense anymore. She looked predatorily amused. She rolled her shoulders back, her spine straightening, transforming from the 'oblivious' friend into something else entirely.
"You are finished?" Yelena asked, her voice dropping an octave, becoming low and dangerous.
"Yes. I am finished failing," Kate muttered, looking at her shoes.
Yelena took a slow step forward. Then another. She stepped into Kate's personal space, much closer than Kate had ever dared to go. Kate’s eyes snapped up, wide and panicked. Yelena didn't stop until Kate was pressed back against the drinks table.
Yelena leaned in. She tilted her head, a stray blonde lock of hair brushing Kate’s cheek. Yelena’s eyes, usually so sharp and defensive, were now a cool, deliberate green. She raised her hand—the same hand that had thumb-locked Kate in the gym—and gently ran a thumb along Kate’s jawline.
"I like your purple blazer, Kate Bishop," Yelena murmured, her accent thick and velvety. "It brings out the... 'idiot golden retriever' in your eyes."
Kate’s breath hitched. Her brain went offline.
"And I knew what the cookies meant," Yelena continued, her face inches from Kate’s. "Pistachio. My favorite. A very thoughtful choice. I also knew what the utility belt was for. And I certainly knew what you were trying to do on the fire escape."
Kate stammered. "You... you knew?"
"I am a Black Widow, Kate. I am trained to notice threats, opportunities, and..." Yelena leaned down, her lips brushing Kate’s ear, sending a visible shudder through Kate’s entire body. "...very attractive archers who are bad at lying. I was just waiting for you to get to the point."
Yelena stepped back, but just an inch. She didn't let go of Kate’s waist. A slow, genuine, and absolutely devastating smile spread across her face.
"You want the scary, lethal hands, Kate Bishop?" Yelena grabbed Kate’s hand, lacing their fingers together, her grip firm and possessive. "Let us go get the expensive taco. And after that... maybe we can discuss this 'chemistry' you speak of. I am suddenly very interested in things that explode."
Kate blinked. Her knees buckled. Her face went from scarlet to a ghostly white in two seconds flat. Her eyes rolled back slightly.
She didn't quite lose consciousness, but she did slide down the front of the table, her legs turning into jelly, only kept upright by Yelena’s strong arm around her waist.
-x-
The Collective Witness
The rest of the room was frozen.
Clint Barton: His mouth was open so wide a bug could have flown in. His beer can slipped from his hand, spilling onto the floor unnoticed.
Natasha Romanoff: She was smirking, but there was a genuine flash of surprise in her eyes. She leaned back, crossing her arms. "Damn, Yelena. You really held that one in."
Peter Parker: He had frozen mid-bite, half a donut stuck in his mouth. He looked terrified. "Is... is that what flirting looks like with assassins?"
Carol Danvers: She just let out a low whistle of appreciation. "The quiet ones are always the most dangerous."
Yelena, completely unbothered by her stunned audience, simply hauled the semi-conscious, blushing disaster that was Kate Bishop upright. "Come, Kate. We must get food before you faint completely. You are useless when your blood sugar is low."
She dragged Kate toward the door, not breaking stride.
"Wait," Kate mumbled, head spinning. "We're going... on a date? Now?"
"Yes," Yelena stated, opening the door. "And Kate?"
"Yeah?"
Yelena leaned down and planted a swift, sharp kiss on Kate’s cheek. "You did win. Just so you know."
Kate Bishop did not make it through the doorway. She slumped against the frame, a happy, dazed smile on her face, eyes completely out of focus. This time, she 'did' faint.
Yelena just caught her, slung her over her shoulder like a sack of dynamic, purple potatoes, and walked out into the night.
"I will get her a beet," Yelena muttered. "She will like it."