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“I’m sorry, unnie, I don’t think I can do it,” Haewon admits, her head hanging.
Lily walks over to where Haewon sits at the dinner table, cupping her cheek and stroking gently with her thumb as Haewon leans into the touch. “It’s okay, darling. I’m sure they’ll understand. You’ve already talked to them once, I’m just helping them with some things now that they’ve had some time to process everything. You need that time, too.”
“Thank you,” Haewon smiles briefly, bringing her hand up to cover Lily’s, “But still… I can’t help but feel bad.”
Her undead heart nearly jolts to life with each understanding hum that buzzes from Lily’s chest. It’s no secret she still struggles not to think lowly of herself - she feels a pang of guilt sometimes, when Lily looks at her like that, like she could do no wrong and hasn’t ever before. She feels the few good deeds she’s done are far undeserving of the love she receives every day; but what takes precedence over what she feels is what she knows, according to her therapist.
And Haewon knows without a doubt that Lily would never rest if she kept thinking that way. So nowadays, she tries her best not to.
But it’s hard to stop self-flagellating when you can’t bring yourself to face the girls whose lives you changed forever. See, Oh Haewon has been a vampire for two-thousand, six-hundred and eighty-three days.
Seol Yoona has been one for five.
[...]
What Twilight seemingly gets right about vampires - at least, when it comes to Haewon - is their utter childishness. Sure, the senses are heightened. Loud crowds feel like needles in her eardrums. But when an emotion overwhelms Haewon, it feels like a foreign substance being forcibly injected into her veins.
Until now, it hadn’t been a problem. She’s spent every day since becoming a vampire doing everything to avoid high-intensity emotions. No parties, no relationships, no friends, no job.
That changed when Lily Morrow barrelled into her life; but all that happens when love washes over Haewon’s system is her eyes go red and she turns into a blabbering, clingy mess. Not exactly life-ruining to anyone.
She’d managed to spend seven years avoiding being overtaken by rage. That came to an end when she saw a man lunge at two women in a dark alley, screaming at them for their wallets and bags.
It all happened so fast. Haewon’s arteries didn’t feel hot - that only happened when she fed on Lily - but she felt the pressure surging throughout her limbs, up her throat and manifesting into her fangs as they sharpened.
Rage was different to love. Love made Haewon want to curl up and stay somewhere forever, safe and content.
Rage made her blind to everything except white teeth and red blood.
She remembers her fangs sinking into flesh, into something writhing and crying beneath her. She remembers a pair of arms hooking under hers, pulling her to rest her back against a cold, brick wall.
But the first thing she remembers actually seeing is an image she knows will never fade from memory: a girl, surely no older than her or Lily, convulsing on the floor as her skin paled. Blood trailing from her neck, two gaping puncture holes, turning black and pulsating slightly.
And, most of all, her hand gripping onto a black-haired girl’s arm like it would save her from the fate Haewon had just relegated her to.
After that, Haewon and Lily put the most effort they could into supporting the two girls, who happened to have been roommates for a couple of years, but friends for much longer.
It turns out that transporting a bleeding, dying-then-undead girl to her apartment together sort of bonds a group of people together for life. Still, that night, things had been incredibly uncertain. Yoona had fallen unconscious again soon after arriving, still yet to process what had happened, and Kyujin was still in a state of shock.
Haewon can’t say she knows what it’s like to have people close to you worry when you turn, but she can make an educated guess.
The following morning, Lily had insisted they go to Yoona and Kyujin’s apartment (“You know how hard it is to deal with that alone.”), and Haewon agreed. It was the least they could do - the least she could do.
Nothing could have prepared her for the sight they were greeted with when the door opened, though. Kyujin, with dark circles around reddened eyes, and a heaviness to her movements that had the couple wondering if she’d managed to sleep at all. The first thing Kyujin did when they arrived was stand, stare, and without a word, she hugged Lily and began to sob into her shoulder.
For the first time since she got turned, Haewon felt sick.
[...]
Lily said she’d be at the cafe with Kyujin for around three hours. This gives Haewon three hours to try and kill without the image of Yoona’s limp body and Kyujin’s strangled cries clawing to the forefront of her mind.
First, she checks the fridge. Ah. Her large jug of iced americano is running low. First order of business: replenish her daily caffeine supply.
Something that is one of Haewon’s favourite parts of vampirism (and probably one of Lily’s least favourites) is the through-the-roof caffeine threshold. It was something she had discovered upon trying it for the first time and realising that by the time she noticed any sort of physical effect - the tiniest bit of pep in her step, mind you - she’d already consumed enough black coffee to kill a cat.
Now, she knows exactly how much she needs to feel really awake: approximately enough to kill a large horse. When it’s instant coffee in the morning, she doesn’t even count how many sachets she’s using. She just sort of fishes around and grabs a handful like a selfish kid trick-or-treating and calls it a day.
She’s careful not to get anything on her clothes as she makes her brew. It’s annoying, really. For once, she had put effort into picking a decent-looking outfit. A white graphic crop-top, her good pair of jeans (the one with stars trailing up the side of the left leg), and a freshly ironed sky-blue button-up. But when the moment came, she just couldn’t bring herself to do it. Couldn’t bring herself to face–
Nope. Haewon shakes her head, darts to the freezer to dig around for their ice cube mold. She pulls it out, and the overpowering sensation on her hands isn’t cold, but wet. The condensation starts to pool at her fingertips, and she kicks the door shut before plopping the mold on the counter.
One by one, she pops the ice cubes out of the silicone. One by one, the mold peels away, and she plops them into a bowl, new and cold.
She focuses on the feeling of smooth ice against her skin. Try as she might, though, nothing she does in the next ten minutes or three hours can stop the thoughts from surfacing. Thoughts like is Yoona okay? Is she finding the fangs uncomfortable? Can she control when she turns into a bat yet? Can she even think about any of that yet?
How’s Kyujin taking things? Is it not too much for her? She’s only twenty, she has to care for Yoona now, more than she would’ve had to before. More than she would’ve if I hadn’t been there.
I hope Lily-unnie comes home soon.
[...]
When Haewon turned, she spent two years listless. In an instant she had become terrified - not of anyone who might judge or hurt her, but of herself. Of what she might be capable of, because she had no one to tell her what that might be.
Vampires can experience abnormally amplified emotions, if they’re strong and frequent enough. One feeling defined the first two years of Haewon’s life: loneliness. Being so deathly afraid, she’d taken every measure possible at the age of 16 to isolate herself, to keep others safe. Feeding into that isolation had only made it stronger, made her curl into herself more desperately, until it all spiralled into total darkness.
This kind of thing already affects people physically. But for Haewon, it meant bursting into tears and curling up on the floor when a gust of wind opened her curtains too much. It meant barely being able to stomach the few ounces of blood from supermarket pork without being sick.
Haewon knows Yoona won’t have to go through that. But there’s still that voice, one that sounds too much like her own. It whispers in her ear with everything she isn’t - fire, acid - that now, no matter what, Yoona is like Haewon. Haewon knows exactly what it’s like to feel the things Yoona is going to feel, has already felt.
The only thing is, unlike Haewon, Yoona knows who turned her. She has a tangible subject of blame, should she wish.
Haewon wouldn’t blame her if she did, in fact, wish.
Just as Haewon is about to sit down with a book (which is how you know she truly has nothing else to do), the front door lock buzzes. The handle clicks as it turns down, and the door cracks open. Haewon hears the footsteps and looks up, dog-earing the front page.
It’s Lily and–
Oh.
Yoona.
Haewon sets her book on the coffee table and cranes her neck in an attempt to peer behind her tall frame, “Is Kyujin not with you?”
Yoona shakes her head, “She's out buying some stuff Lily-unnie said we’d need. And I, well… I wanted to talk to you.”
There it is. Haewon swallows with a dry throat. Granted, it took longer than she thought, but it’s here now. She almost glances at Lily to give her a look of I told you so, but she decides to hold back until afterward. Plus, she’s been working on cutting back on petty things like that.
Haewon stands, lacing her fingers together while she waits for Yoona to slip her shoes off and put her bags down. A subtle tightness pushes into her chest. That’s the bag Yoona was using when…
Yoona’s looking at Haewon intently, and she takes a deep breath before speaking.
“Hey. Uh, we can talk in the bedroom, if you want?”
Yoona nods, a small, unreadable smile on her lips.
The door shuts behind them, and for the first time, it’s just Haewon and Yoona alone. Haewon almost makes a run for it, but there’s something bolting her feet in place, her palms still pressed against her door behind her back. Yoona takes a few moments to scan the space.
Haewon and Lily’s bedroom looks like any other. Bedsheets adorned with constellations, a stuffed toy polar bear tucked under the covers next to a matching koala. On one of the bedside tables is a stack of books in front of a lamp; on the other, a pair of thick-rimmed glasses and a framed picture of the couple that appears to have been taken in a different apartment on a disposable camera. Their wardrobe is as large as one would expect for two people, their towels are haphazardly thrown on the back of the desk chair, and the flowers on said desk are made of lego.
It is, in all senses of the word, normal. It might be one of the most normal parts of Haewon’s life in general.
Yoona shifts her weight from one leg to the other, glancing at Haewon.
“Please, sit,” she says, a nervous chuckle escaping her throat, “I feel bad.”
“Don’t,” Haewon insists, mustering a smile, “Sit with me.”
She perches on the bed and pats the spot next to her. Yoona follows, cautious but sure. The mattress dips under their shared weight, just a little.
“Need a light?” Haewon asks.
“Oh, no thanks, it’s alright. I can see fine.”
“Weird, right?” Haewon’s never been confident in her small talk, but she manages to get a hum of agreement out of Yoona, so she can’t be doing that bad. “You’ll get used to it.”
Despite her best efforts, that stubborn awkward silence prevails, blanketing the two for what could be a few seconds or hours. Finally, Yoona finds the courage to break it.
“I don’t think we’ve addressed the elephant in the room.”
Ah right, yes, that. The whole you turned me into a vampire and changed the entire trajectory of my life forever thing. It almost slipped Haewon’s mind. Oops.
“Yeah…” Haewon starts slowly, “Listen, I’m so sorr–”
“I want you to know it’s okay.”
Haewon freezes. That was the last thing she was expecting to hear. She shuts her gaping jaw and clears her throat.
“What?”
There’s a deep breath, and Haewon forces herself to at least look in Yoona’s general direction. The girl next to her steels herself before continuing.
“I’ll admit, I was angry at first. Well, maybe not angry… but I was frustrated,” Yoona wrings her hands together, eyes on her lap, “Like, ‘why did this happen to me, why me?’, you know?”
Yeah, Haewon knows.
“And then I just felt so scared. I still do. It was like, ‘what happens now?’. I had no idea what was going to happen to me, how things would change. I still don’t, really. It’s all so new. But, unnie… can I call you unnie?”
“Of course,” Haewon says in a heartbeat. Yoona’s eyes crinkle at her with gratitude.
“Unnie… I know what it’s like to lose control.”
Yoona’s tugging on the thin fabric of her sleeves, and something inside Haewon aches. Her brows furrow with concern, and she considers reaching out to comfort her - pat her back or something, she doesn’t know - but they’ve barely known each other for a week. She hopes she’s putting enough concern in her eyes to suffice.
“How come?”
“I… I said I was frustrated. On the second night, the first night I really understood what happened, it was bad. Kkyu, she was trying to comfort me, but something just came over me, like my insides felt… tight? I don’t know. But all I could think was, how dare you tell me it’s okay? It was like a loop, just how dare you, how dare you, it’s okay? How dare you,” Yoona draws in a shaky breath. “I had no control. It wasn’t me. I’d never say that to her, I’d never even think that. She only ever tries her best. I just…”
“It latched onto you, the thought,” Haewon states. Yoona swallows and looks at her, silently pleading with her eyes for her to elaborate. “After you… turn… strong emotions can get more amplified. Especially within the first few weeks, anything you feel can be heightened to a high degree. You get physical symptoms. You said you lost control, right?”
Yoona nods, “I nearly clawed my hair out. Kkyu had to subdue me.”
“Yeah… happens. Over time, though, if you work at it, you can get pretty good at regulating,” Haewon plants a hand next to her, allowing her to face Yoona more fully. “I’m not saying to suppress anything, but with practice you can start to recognise the telltale signs and find techniques to subdue the physical effects.”
“So I should’ve been able to control myself that night. I should’ve been able to at least get myself away from you, but I couldn’t,” Haewon’s nails dig into her palm, and she can only look at the back of her hand, “How can it be okay, when it’s my fault?”
A beat. Yoona’s head tilts, waiting to see if Haewon will meet her eyes again. She doesn’t. Slowly, she reaches her hand out like an olive branch and tentatively rests it on top of Haewon’s. There’s no warmth from her skin, just like hers now.
“It's okay, I swear. It's difficult, sure, god it's difficult, but… I mean, I have to be okay with it, don't I? It's the rest of my life, and I can't change it.”
Haewon bites on the inside of her lip. “None of that means you have to forgive me.”
“Forgive you for what?”
Yoona sounds more stern this time, and it’s this that makes Haewon look up again. Her face holds a lot of things, but one thing it doesn’t is doubt. Haewon’s breath catches in her throat. Yoona truly believes everything she’s saying right now.
“For–”
“For something you couldn’t control? For sticking with me and Kkyu every day after? For answering my questions and making me less scared?”
Haewon blinks. Over the past five days, all she’s done is the bare minimum. She couldn’t even bring herself to meet her today - Yoona had to come to her apartment. Yoona’s soft, far too soft.
Then again, that’s what Haewon thought when she met Lily for the first time. The woman who, now, Haewon would name as the strongest person she knows with no hesitation.
Yoona takes Haewon’s silence as a cue to keep going. “I need you, unnie. I need you to answer my questions, or even just look me in the eye. I need you as my friend,” she glances down and closes her hand around Haewon’s. “We both need time, I understand that. I can’t pretend to know what’s going through your mind, but when you’re ready… I’d really appreciate your help.”
She gives a light squeeze, accentuated by a tiny scrunch of her nose and a smile before her hands retract back into her lap. “Kkyu and I can’t do this without you.”
[...]
“So,” Lily says, standing in front of the coffee machine with her back leaning against the counter, “What did Yoona say?”
Yoona left not even five minutes ago, thanking Lily profusely, bows included. Haewon’s only just now been able to muster the will to leave her room.
“She said it’s okay,” Haewon mumbles, perching on the backrest of the couch. “That she’s not mad at me, and she’d appreciate if I could help her with it. When I’m ready.”
A wide grin spreads across Lily’s face, “See, I told you! They’re such sweet girls,” Lily turns around to collect the espresso in a mug before mixing it with hot water. She walks over and places it on the coffee table before sitting on the armrest, her whole body facing Haewon.
There’s plenty more Haewon wants to say. How Yoona should hate her, how she doesn’t understand. But Haewon knows that Lily would tell her the exact opposite, just as Yoona had. And she knows, deep down, that they’re right. So, instead, she asks, “How’d it go? Before you came home, I mean.”
“Well, they’re going to remove the LEDs from Yoona’s PC. We bought some curtains to replace their shutter blinds.”
“You went to the furniture store?”
“We got them online, silly,” Lily grabs Haewon’s hand and doesn’t let go. “I told them where you and Jiwoo get your animal blood, and Kyujin had some questions about how turning and feeding work.”
Haewon furrows her brows. Feeding? But… “They’re not partners, right? Why does Kyujin need to know about feeding?”
Lily shrugs, “She said she just wanted to know, in case of an emergency,” she pauses, then leans in conspiratorially, “But if you ask me, it’s only a matter of time.”
Haewon tilts her head with a curious chuckle, “You think?”
“They’re down bad,” Lily asserts, resting a hand on Haewon’s leg for emphasis, “And I mean bad.”
The cushions on the backrest shift and dip as Haewon swings her legs over so she can face Lily properly. “Did you tell Kyujin about the amplified emotions?”
A devious look settles into the scrunch of Lily’s nose, and Haewon can’t help but bark out a laugh.
“Unnie! You should tell her, come on,” she says, her snickers betraying her.
“I don’t want her to panic! She might act differently, and that won’t be good for either of them,” Lily defends.
Haewon gives her a look, “You’re not telling her so Yoona is forced to explain it herself and confess in the process. You himejoshi.”
Lily folds her arms and looks away, “Let a girl have some fun.”
Her exaggerated pout and frown falter when Haewon leans down to press a soft kiss to her forehead, her hand stroking the back of her head. “I guess there’s no harm in it. I didn’t realise it happened either until I met you.”
“Aww, sweet!” Lily cracks into a wide grin, and Haewon wants to squeeze the shit out of her and dive headfirst into her soul all at once. The sea inside her is still, save for the calm ripple left by the gentle summer breeze. She slides down to sit on the couch properly, taking her mug of coffee and holding it in her lap.
“To you, maybe. Crying for twenty minutes because you bought me a guitar pick is embarrassing.”
Lily ruffles Haewon’s hair, “It’s cute. Don’t even worry about it.”
Haewon smiles and takes a sip of her coffee, “Okay.”
[...]
“Do you really think I can help Yoona?” Haewon muses as she shifts out of her bat form and enters the kitchen section of their apartment (flying is far more efficient than walking). It’s time for her scheduled sixth coffee of the day.
Lily’s curled up on the couch and lowers the TV volume before she responds, “You’ve got seven years of experience. She’d be hard pressed to find someone better for the job.”
Haewon’s lips stretch to the side, “I don’t know. It’s my first time.”
“It’s your first time being a vampire, too, and I’d say you’re doing an alright job, all things considered.”
“I just don’t wanna make another mistake,” Haewon opens the fridge.
“I’m telling you, two years from now, their biggest concern will be that Yoona is too sweet on Kyujin to feed on her without Kyujin suggesting it first.”
“That’s weirdly specific… I’ll bet you on it.”
“Deal,” Lily giggles, “Say, Haewonnie, are you hungry?” She strides over until she’s looking at Haewon over her shoulder, her hands behind her back. Her head tilts to the side and she brushes all of her hair onto one shoulder, clearly trying to extend the expanse of skin that pokes out of her pajama top; but all Haewon can see is her brown eyes, huge and twinkling, and it takes everything in her not to coo.
Instead, she chuckles, taking the jug from the fridge before shutting it and wrapping an arm around Lily’s shoulders.
“It’s okay, last night’s steak should hold me over for a couple more days before I need more,” she gives a soft peck on Lily’s cheek, “It was wonderful, by the way. I don’t know when you suddenly became a chef.”
When she pulls away, Lily is trying (and failing) not to pout. Haewon brings her arm up to pat her head, her gaze trailing to the top of her bleach-blonde hair to her neck.
“Baby, the marks from last time haven’t even healed yet.”
A warm hand snakes around Haewon’s waist until it rests firmly at her hip. Lily’s bottom lip is still jutted out. “I appreciate it, but I wasn’t asking that. You should be able to feed when you want to, not just when you need to.”
There’s a strong tug at Haewon’s heart, which, although it beats slower than it did before, still constricts like any would at the words of such a devoted lover. The crease between her brows deepens. She turns to fully face Lily, who wraps another arm around Haewon to fully engulf her in her embrace. Haewon takes to fiddling with the hair at the nape of her neck, her other palm pressed to her chest, feeling her heartbeat.
She wonders how that much love and kindness can fit in just one, fist-sized muscle.
“Thank you, but I’m not going to hurt you if it’s not necessary. That’s what we keep the supplements for.”
Lily is the only sunshine Haewon can bathe in and truly feel warmth from. Anything else is uncomfortable. Feels wrong.
But things have never felt more right than they do in Lily’s arms.
A hand moves away from Haewon’s hip as Lily tucks a few stray hairs behind her ear. It’s reverent, the way she holds her, no matter where. Lily sighs, a smile finally gracing her perfect lips again.
“If you say so. But you know I’m here, darling,” she says, swiftly returning her arm and gently tightening her grip.
Haewon nuzzles into the crook of Lily’s neck, her lover’s pulse thumping steadily against her cheek. With her heightened senses, the sensation ripples through her skin. It seeps right to her heart, and it’s almost like it pumps more life into its chambers. Haewon fully melts into Lily, who twitches slightly at the cold breath on her skin. She feels the shape of Haewon’s smile carve itself there.
“Of course I do,” Haewon answers, “You’re right here. That’s all that matters.”
“Mhm… as nice as this is, I, for one, am hungry,” Lily pats Haewon on the hip, attempting to untangle herself from their embrace. Haewon only chases the warmth of Lily’s body pressed to hers, burying herself further into her hold and wrapping her arms tight around her neck.
“Mmh,” she hums, shaking her head, “Want cuddles.”
“Clingy.”
“You were just begging me to feed on you.”
“...Begging is a strong word.”
Haewon presses a soft kiss to Lily’s neck before leaning away to look her in the eyes. Her irises must be starting to swirl red, she thinks; because Lily’s expression is softening, and her breath is on her lips. She shudders with a shaky sigh. She doesn’t blush - she hasn’t for a long time. But her heart beats faster as it’s pulled toward Lily’s like a catch on a hook, reeling her closer, closer, closer, until they meet, lips searing and eyelids fluttering.
No, Haewon’s life was not ruined by becoming a vampire. Perhaps it was difficult to start with, and perhaps she is different to most people she will ever know. But, truthfully, she pities those people.
They’ll never know this. They’ll never know the grace of being found, chosen even, by someone despite it all.
They’ll never know love so all-consuming it spells out euphoria, sprouting from her marrow and blooming from her undead flesh like an abandoned land reclaimed by what it was meant to be.
Oh Haewon has been a vampire for two-thousand, six-hundred and eighty-three days. In that time, she has learned three important things.
Being a vampire doesn’t mean being alone;
Making a mistake doesn’t mean you can’t be forgiven;
And, finally, being Haewon doesn’t mean being unlovable.