Chapter Text
My name is Rachel.
I won't tell you my last name or where I live. I imagine you've read that exact phrase for what must feel like hundreds of times. When Cassie suggested that we keep these journals of our lives during the war, I've found that, unlike my friends, I have had to… edit my entries quite a bit. I mean, everything I wrote was absolutely true—from a certain point of view, as Marco would say.
But I'm done self-editing. This wasn't an easy decision for me to make. In fact, I'm still not crazy about it, but here goes.
My name is Niss One-One-Three-Eight, and I'm a Yeerk.
Huh, just writing it down without hurriedly scratching it out. That feels freeing. I bet you have a lot of questions. I'll try to answer them as I go. Usually, I'd start at the beginning. Not this time, though. I'm not the best at this. Rachel is the journaler, not me. So instead, let's go back less than a week, when I was ready to kill a small red-haired child just to get at the Yeerk in her head—the Yeerk who had tricked our best friend into giving up everything, becoming a Nothlit caterpillar.
Jake had looked up at me, at us. We were in Elephant morph, ready to knock that child to the ground and press our foot onto her head, desperate to get at the Yeerk, who was all nice and snuggled down into every crevice of her brain. We were just itching to hear Jake say, Rachel, go. But that wasn't what Jake told us. Not this time.
"Rachel, I'm not giving any orders. Each of us has to decide for ourselves right now." He glanced at the child Controller before he walked back over to Cassie. Our heart broke as he plucked the plant she had hooked her chrysalis to from the ground before he headed into the forest to take our best friend home.
Tobias was the first to go after Jake. No one said anything; we all just stared at the trembling child. At that moment, we wondered who was more scared, the child or the Yeerk within her Aftran Nine-Four-Two.
To our surprise, after Tobias, Ax was the next to leave. But we guessed that his commitment to his Prince, our cousin Jake, was more substantial than his hatred of all Yeerks. We would need to ponder that later.
Then, it was just Marco and us. But at last, even he left, leaving just them… and us… Now, though, what did we do? We heard the deal she supposedly made with Cassie. If we had been human, we would have been gritting our teeth as we remembered the last thing we told Cassie.
She had been looking at us after telling us she wanted to quit. We were so, so very angry. She had no idea, no real idea, why we were fighting, for what we were fighting, so when she had started to say we could still be friends… we cut her off. Maybe it was Rachel who spoke… maybe it was Niss. What did it matter? We both felt the same. And now we were being forced to see it again. One of the bad parts of being a Controller is that when the host thinks of something, the Yeerk has to watch it, too.
"No, we can't. See, you've just said the whole world can drop dead so long as you, Cassie, don't have to end up turning into me."
And then we left. Never did we dream that might be the last time we would speak to Cassie. W…we figured she'd likely be captured in a short time. In fact, that night, we had spoken with five Yeerks we were allied with… Trying to choose the gentlest one for when Cassie was dragged to the pool, kicking and screaming. The least we could do was make certain our former… best friend was not a prisoner in her mind like Tom was.
Those Yeerks would no longer be necessary, but we'd keep them as our backup plan for Marco, Ax, and Jake. Tobias was still… We were still working on a plan regarding Tobias. Our stomach felt queasy as another memory played for us.
Adult Rachel, Controller Rachel, but not with Niss in her head. Visser Three was leaning so close to us that we could smell the putrid scent of Andalite. He boasted in his thought-speak as he told us Tobias's fate. ~He was tough and stringy, but we added a sauce you humans have. Barbeque, I believe it's called. And then your friend Tobias was delicious! You had a leg, as I recall. You ate it and laughed.~
Someday, we would destroy Visser Three for the sin of killing Tobias, even if he had never done it. We knew he would, and that was enough of a reason for us.
We demorphed back to human, not taking our eyes off the child the entire time. Finally, when we were fully human, we yanked them to their feet, our fingers sinking into their small shoulders as we forced her, no them, to stare into our eyes.
"I hope you meant what you said about releasing the child and never taking another host, Aftran Nine-Four-Two. I really, really do. Because I'll be watching to make sure."
We felt her jolt in surprise as a pained moan escaped their lips. "I… I thought somehow Rachel must have gotten free. None of Cassie's memories show you… I mean…" She swallowed hard. "Niss One-One-Three-Eight, I don't understand?"
We snorted in derision but shook our head. "We want the same thing you do, Aftran: an end to Non-Voluntary Controllers."
"...We?" Her voice was little more than a squeak, but her eyes started showing hope.
"Yes, we, Rachel and Niss, we are partners… friends." We released her. "You understand, right? As the human saying goes, we will stick to you just like white on rice. If you even think about breaking the promise you made to Cassie, well, Kandrona starvation will seem like a picnic. Get it?"
"It… It will take time, Niss… Rachel." Aftran's voice trembled but was starting to strengthen.
"When are you next headed to the pool?" We asked, crossing our arms.
"The rescuers will likely take me straight there later this afternoon."
We gritted our teeth. There was no way we could follow them to the pool that quickly. "Alright, Karen. Can you hear us? Let her speak Aftran, or we'll make you come out to be sure."
Karen's eyes filled with tears, and we gently lifted her into our arms. She wasn't that much smaller than Sarah, our baby sister. She was scared and in pain. So we let her snuggle up to us, her tears soaking our shoulder. "It's okay, Karen, this nightmare will be over soon. We promise." As soon as her tears slowed, she pulled back and looked into our eyes.
"You're a controller, too, huh? Are you in the cages?"
Innocence, sweet, gentle innocence, that was what we held in our arms. Even after all she had been through, she was still a child. This was the reason we fought.
We nodded our head. "Yes, Karen, to keep up appearances, Rachel has to go into a cage while I feed. But truthfully, we are partners. She keeps me voluntarily. Now… we want you to listen to us. At the Yeerk Pool today, you will have to let Aftran back into your head—just one last time. Tomorrow we will come to your house and talk to your parents. We will convince them that they need to take you and move far away from here. The next time you go to the Pool after this afternoon, you will leave with us. Without Aftran in you. But you must behave as if she is still in you, alright?"
"Will you help me?" Karen asked, her voice trembling.
"Of course, we'll practice after we talk to your parents. We promise you, Karen. You will be free."
She wrapped her little arms tight around our neck, silently crying. Finally filled with hope. We hated having to call Aftran back to take control, but Jake was going to think we had killed her if we didn't come out soon.
"Aftran, take back control. We will be there tomorrow morning." We set the child back down as Karen's tears stopped.
"Tomorrow then, Rachel… Niss."
Interesting, speaking the Host's name before the Yeerk's. Aftran might actually be legit. We turned from them and returned to our friends, the other Animorphs. When we saw the chrysalis in Jake's hands, tears threatened to fall, so we gritted our teeth.
"Cassie was my best friend. I'm not going to be the one to call her a fool." We reached to take the still-stiffening chrysalis from Jake. "I'll carry her. I'll keep her safe."
And we had. We had walked for hours as a human, our bare feet torn up from the forest floor, as the boys took to the air to guide us safely. After some short discussion, we decided Cassie would want to be home—as much as she could be. It wasn't difficult to transplant Cassie's chosen plant among the hundreds of others that grew wild behind her home. We had been the ones to do it, as our presence would not have been questioned.
Later that night, after we had returned from the library with every book about caterpillars and butterflies that we could find, our Mother Naomi knocked on our door briefly before opening it. We looked up from the identification book we had been using to figure out what type of butterfly Cassie would become.
"Sorry to interrupt your school work, Sweetheart, but Jake is here. He says he needs to talk to you." Our Mother looked distressed. We knew that Cassie's disappearance was as traumatic for her as it was for us.
"Sure, send him in." We felt a bit sick, knowing this wouldn't be an enjoyable chat as he entered our room. After thanking our Mom, he closed our door and sat on our bed.
We got up from our desk and pulled our window closed, locking it. It was unlikely Tobias would have come over tonight anyway, as he and Ax were guarding her… but why take chances? We sat back down.
"Hello, Jake."
"Hello, Niss, or are you actually allowing Rachel to speak for herself tonight?" Jake's voice was calm, but the type of calm that comes from the experience of holding back anger.
"We are quite certain that we have explained this before, Jake. While Niss controls our body, we speak as one." We were a bit annoyed by such hostilities, but pulled it back and sighed. "If you wish to speak to Rachel, Niss will pull back."
"Yes, I want to speak with my cousin." Jake's teeth were clenched as he stared into our eyes.
Our body went a bit limp as Niss pulled back control. Rachel blinked a few times before straightening back up. "Wh-what Jeek… Jake?" Our tongue felt slow, and it took a few moments to make it do what I wanted. "What, Jake?" I finally got out after trying again.
"Why do you struggle so much when she gives you control? When we were at the pool, the released hosts could speak fine!"
Rachel rolled our eyes. She was sure we'd explained this before. "Length of time as a host normally. The fact I'm a Voluntary doesn't help much." She shrugged our shoulders. "So you wanted to talk to me. I'm here, so talk."
"You know I almost told them about you today." Jake locked eyes with us again. "About you and Niss. That you were a fucking controller, Rachel!"
Rachel closed our eyes as we remembered when Jake had found out about us.
It had been the night after Jake had made the call to Tom that we awoke at the sound of wings coming in from our window. We sat up, blinking, expecting to see Tobias. Instead, a peregrine falcon demorphed into our cousin. We got out of bed and started to pull off the long shirt we wore as sleepwear since becoming an Animorph when he gripped our upper arm and frowned.
"Jake, what's going on?" We whispered, aware that Jordan was on the other side of the wall, knowing she was a light sleeper.
He shook his head again and pointed to our window. We nodded in understanding. He wanted us to morph and follow him.
We made our bed to look like we were still asleep in case Mom poked her head in. We pulled our shirt off and placed them in the hamper before starting our morph into an owl.
We flew after Jake until he landed in front of the shed we had just used to hold Termash until the fucker had starved. We had wanted to be there at the end, but Cassie was chosen for Jake's comfort, and we accepted it. We landed beside him and demorphed.
"Jake, why are we here?" We looked around and felt a cold chill run down our spine. Jake didn't say anything; he just opened the door to the shed and motioned us to enter.
We walked in and saw the chair and ropes still there. It was at that moment that we remembered. When a Yeerk dies in their host, they cannot stop themselves from sharing everything with their host… everything, so that meant. We swallowed hard and turned back to Jake to see his eyes ice cold.
Well, wasn't this nice a final fuck you from Termash… great just great…
There weren't many choices for us. We could morph, of course. It would be easy enough to get away from Jake, but then what? Run from our friends? Have them in constant fear that any time they'd be snatched and…
~Niss, what are we going to do?~
~We need to talk to him. Remember, he only saw what Termash did. He doesn't understand who we are now, Rachel.~
We sat in the chair willingly and allowed Jake to tie us up. We watched as he sat in front of us.
"So… so after all this time. We've had a fucking Yeerk with us… Why didn't Ax notice the first time he met us? For that matter, why haven't you turned us in? I mean, Termash was acting like he'd become a Subvisser, even a Visser, just with me! You likely have a bigger bounty on your Elephant head than I do!"
"Do you want us to answer those in order, or are you simply saying everything as you think?" Our voice sounded calm-pitched, just as Rachel would speak when a touch annoyed.
"So you aren't going to try and pretend you're Rachel? That's smart, really smart, Yeerk. You have no idea what I was thinking. My heart was already broken as I watched Tom forcefully infested… I…" His voice cracked as he squeezed his hands into fists. "I wasn't even a little bit ready to see my cousin Rachel being dragged to the pool, kicking and screaming as she begged Tom to help her before her head was forced under the sludge of the Yeerk Pool! The sight of the Yeerk's tail squirming into her ear as they helped her up!"
We closed our eyes, trying not to think about the first infestation. Rachel still had nightmares about it sometimes. We reopened our eyes to look at Jake.
"Tom picked Rachel up from Gymnastics that day and asked if she was cool going to a meeting for like fifteen minutes. He admitted to her that he had a crush on one of the full members and was planning to maybe ask her out. But you know about the girl. Rachel was working on homework when Chapman came over, saying he needed to talk to her about Melissa. Not long after, she was dragged down to the pool, and yes, as you said."
"I'm going to kill you, Yeerk… I will hold Rachel here as long as I need to… seventy-two hours if necessary, but I will free my cousin!" Jake hissed up at us.
We sighed and checked the knots in the rope. Yeah, they were tight. "Well, that gives some time for us to talk then, we guess. So, where are the others? Are they already in morph, expecting us to morph and try to escape?"
Jake glanced away from us, and our eyes widened.
"You haven't told them, have you, Jake?" We cocked our head curiously. "Why? Did you want to be the big hero after we had to save you? No… that's not you, Jake. There's something more to this."
"...Ax would be heartsick to learn that his brother had given the ability to morph to a Yeerk. Not to mention how well he'd take learning that he had been fighting alongside a Yeerk his entire time on Earth so far. You saw how fast he knew I had been taken. Why… why didn't he figure you out?"
"I'm not a bigot," our voice said plainly. "Unlike the departed Termash, I have no problem with Andalites as long as they are kind… I must admit that it was Elfangor who made me feel that way." We trailed off before shaking our head. "The fact remains that it is the truth now. So that's why you didn't tell Ax."
"Cassie has been Rachel's best friend forever. Do you think she'd ever forgive herself if I told her that you were a controller and not even just taken? How long has my cousin been a controller, Yeerk!?"
"Eight months roughly, Jake," we answered with a slight shrug. "So roughly five months before we all met Elfangor."
"Marco… well… the reason I didn't tell him isn't mine to share," Jake stated after a moment before clenching his teeth. "And Tobias…"
"Tobias… Rachel is everything to Tobias, we know. You have no idea how difficult it has been to get to the pool every three days to feed… lots of hoodies to disguise our hair and face." We shook our head.
"You keep doing that!" Jake snapped up at us.
"What is it that we keep doing, Jake?"
"You keep referring to yourself as we or us except when you were saying you weren't a bigot!"
"Ah, right… Well, first, allow me to introduce myself. I am Niss One-One-Three-Eight of the Madra Pool. I control our body primarily, but we speak as one. That's why we use we or us instead of singular pronouns like I or me."
"Bullshit, my cousin, she never, never would be a voluntary!" Jake stood up, towering over us. "When you die, I'll actually be able to talk to Rachel. I'll find out what you've done to her!"
"Jake, sit back down. If you'll notice, we." We winced at Jake's glare. "Very well, I will speak just for Niss for now, then." I cleared our throat, ignoring Rachel's words. It was uncomfortable, to say the least. "I have not lied to you yet, Jake. You have my name. You even know how long Rachel has been my host. But there are three things you don't know. You don't know why I fight beside you. You do not know why I have not sought the easy promotion of turning you all over to Visser Three, nor what would happen to Rachel if you succeeded in starving me. Which of those questions would you like the answer to first, Jake?" I had pitched my voice differently from Rachel's. I wanted… I needed him to know who he was talking to.
After a moment, Jake sat back down in front of us. "...Fine, Yeerk. Why do you fight with us? You know we're killing Yeerks in every battle." He smirked up at me. "Hell, Rachel normally does the most damage."
"The reason I fight is the same reason I don't turn you in. I'm an Animorph, Jake." I saw him open his mouth and shook our head. "No, Jake, I am. I was there at the construction site. I was the one who pressed our… who pressed Rachel's hand to the cube. I was the one who drew the Hork Bajir's attention by cursing at them. I was the one who was there when Marco first called us Animorphs. I control Rachel's body, Jake. Everything was me. So tell me how that makes me different from you guys?"
Jake stared up at me, and I knew what he would say, so I said it first.
"Right, it's because I'm a Yeerk. Alright, Jake, can you tell me why I was the first to morph in the Yeerk Pool? You remember that, don't you? You and Marco were about to be captured. Tobias was watching Cassie. If I really were such a big, bad Yeerk, why didn't I just let it happen? Why did I kill my brethren to protect humans?"
"I-it was Rachel," Jake said firmly, and I had to laugh.
"Jake, you know that's not true! You saw what a host rebellion looks like when Tom warned you about the Sharing. I know Rachel is strong… Trust me, I am well aware of Rachel's strength, and I admire it greatly. But if I wanted to hold her back like Termash did you and your brother, I would have no problem."
He sat silently, staring at the floor as we winced. The ropes had our arms in an uncomfortable position.
"So… you're an Animorph…" Jake didn't sound like he quite knew what to say about that.
"Yes, Jake. Rachel and I are both Animorphs, just like the rest of you. But that isn't the full story. See, it took Rachel a while to trust me. For us to reach where we are now. She was terrified of me and tried to hide from me for some time. Whenever I released control, she just fell to the ground. I didn't want that, Jake! I will tell you this now, and you may not believe me. But a large percentage of Yeerks don't want a non-voluntary host. We want to share and be symbiotic with our hosts, like Rachel and I are. Do you see? That's the second reason I fight. If we can get rid of Visser three…" I trailed off as I saw Jake begin to nod.
"You're playing a long game… You want Visser Three's spot. You want to be in control of Earth… You'd know from Rachel that even if only one out of a thousand humans volunteered."
"There would still be humans on a waiting list when all the Yeerks were in hosts, exactly Jake. All I need to do is climb the ladder of promotion without being found out." We leaned forward as far as we could. "Isn't that reason enough to let me live?"
"Sure, I'll let you live. All you have to do is promise that Rachel will walk out alone the next time you go to the Yeerk pool." Jake smiled at us. "You do that, Niss, and I'll untie you right now."
"...And that brings us to the third thing you didn't know, Jake." Niss pulled back control, causing our body to slump forward, only held by the ropes. Rachel hummed quietly, trying to get our tongue to work for her. "Ja…key." Our lips frowned as she tried again, "Jak is Wachel." My words slurred as Jake stared in shock, but hopeful. "It's Rachel Jake." I finally got out.
"Rachel! Rachel, is it really you?" Jake stood up but paused, remembering how Termash had tried to fool everyone.
"Jake, Niss is okay. She's cool, Jake. She hasn't lied to you yet. Why would she now?"
Jake wrapped his arms tight around our still-tied-up body as Rachel rested our cheek against his chest. "Rachel, oh God, Rachel… I… I couldn't believe it when I saw… When I heard Termash calling you a traitor…"
"It's okay, Jake. It's all okay, but I need you to listen to me now, okay?"
"Yeah, of course, of course, Rachel." Jake let go of us and wiped his eyes before he sat back down.
"Jake… Why haven't we done this for Tom? Why haven't we kidnapped him and tied him up for three days and starved the Yeerk from him?"
Jake didn't respond, but we saw him realize.
"Exactly, Jake. The Yeerks keep track of Hosts. My name is in their files, my name, the fact that I'm an involuntary host, and that Niss is my Yeerk. If Niss left me the next time we went down there, and I walked out without her… Jake, what would happen to me three or even four days later when they realized that Niss had not come to feed?"
"Rachel…"
"In the best-case scenario, when they recaptured me, I'd be given to one of the Yeerks Niss trusted with her plans. Most likely, though… I'd betray all of us."
Jake stared down at the ground, his hands fisted. "I'm supposed to protect the world until the Andalites come, and I can't even save my brother… or my cousin…"
"I don't need to be saved, Jake. Niss and I are partners. Niss is determined to protect humanity and the Yeerks who believe as she does… Look at me, Jake!" Rachel stared into Jake's eyes as he looked back up. "Niss will take Visser Three's place one day, and I will be right there with her as her host. And we don't care who we have to destroy to get there! Please, Jake… don't do this. Let us stay with the team. Let us stay Animorphs."
"Is… is there anyway… Can I ever know I'm just talking to you? Just… every now and then?"
We sighed, "Yes, Jake, as long as you put Niss into a glass of water, I can be just me for a few hours."
"A few hours…" We saw as he nodded his head, then blinked. "Wait… is there a way to replace Tom's Yeerk with one of Niss's friends?"
Rachel chewed on our bottom lip. "I… We can't promise anything, Jake. We'll need time. But if it can be done, we will. We swear."
"Back to we?"
"Well, I'm still Rachel, but I'm speaking for both of us. It's easier than saying Niss and I."
Jake nodded again before he stood up, headed to the back of the chair we were tied to, and untied the knots. "Thanks for not fighting. I'm not as good at tying knots as Cassie."
"It's fine, Jake. We realized what was going on. We're just very relieved you didn't tell the others… you aren't going to, are you?"
"No, Rachel… I'm not. You have to do it. Not now. Now would be the worst time, but… someday, before the Andalites come, they need to know about Niss and her plan. But for now, it's our secret."
"I promise Jake… we promise."
Rachel shook our head, trying to clear away the memory. "Well, that's nice to know, Jake. I mean, you'd only be breaking your promise to us."
Jake groaned. "Rachel, shut up… Do you realize what almost happened? If Aftran hadn't fallen for Cassie's beliefs? If… if she had gotten away, what would have happened to you and Niss?"
Our skin paled as Rachel involuntarily swallowed, taking our head in our hands. "Oh fuck… oh fuck Jake, we hadn't thought of that!"
"Did you kill her, Rachel?"
Rachel shook our head. "No, Niss told her we'd be watching to make sure she kept her promise to Cassie… We're heading over to Karen's tomorrow to help tell her parents, and we'll be the one who leads Karen from the Yeerk pool without a Yeerk."
"Do you want me to come with you? Help explain?" Jake offered as Rachel shook our head again.
"No, on the chance Yeerks are watching, only a known Controller should do this." Rachel raised our head to look at him. "We worry about it… You know?"
"About Niss being found out?"
"Nah, about one of you guys being captured… In fact, we have a plan in place for it. We have hand-chosen five subordinates ready to infest any of you who might be captured." Rachel smiled as we saw Jake boggle a bit at the revelation.
"You… for how long?" Jake asked suspiciously.
"The night Cassie quit, we were confident she'd be grabbed again before too long. We had chosen the gentlest of our lieutenants to be ready for when it would occur."
"When!? You're expecting us to get captured! The hell, Rachel, are you just waiting to put Yeerks into us?" Jake slammed his hands down on our bed.
"Would you lower your voice? No, Jake, we aren't, but haven't you heard of a contingency plan?" Rachel hissed out between our teeth before slumping a bit as we noticed the books on our desk. "Not… not that it matters for Cassie anymore…"
"Rachel…"
"Maybe if we had told her… told her about the Invited… maybe she would still be human! Maybe if we weren't so damned scared of the consequences of waiting so long to tell the others. Maybe we wouldn't be trying to identify the chrysalis Cassie is… Maybe if we were the best friend Cassie needed… we… we wouldn't be trying to figure out how many days… or weeks we'll have left to hopefully talk… fix our friendship before… before she…" Rachel couldn't handle it anymore as Niss took back control, allowing tears to fall down our cheeks as Rachel screamed in agony inside our mind.
"Rachel… I…" Jake looked away from us.
"It's Niss. Rachel was about to lose control… Jake, we promise this to you now. When Cassie comes out… We will tell her. Hopefully, she will still be Cassie enough to understand."
"Yeah, alright, Niss. Take care of my cousin, okay? And let me know how it goes with Karen and Aftran." Jake stood up.
"Of course, Jake…" We watched as he left our room before we slumped to the ground like a puppet with its strings suddenly cut, and just stared up at the ceiling with unblinking eyes.
~Cassie! Cassie, I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!~
We could do nothing but rage inside our head, appearing to the whole world as nothing but a broken doll.