Work Text:
About Time
Shane doesn’t remember a lot about that phone call. He remembers Ilya voice.
How different he sounded in his native tongue yet still so very Ilya. Like he was able to hear him so clearly for the first time without being able to actually understand the words he was saying.
He thinks about it often.
Now married together officially having come out to the world they finally have some peace.
Well not entirely but they have each other and that is all that really mattered anyway.
Shane had learned Russian for Ilya. It wasn’t perfect but he was getting there. He’d always wondered about that conversation he’d never understood. Always curious.
Being able to be completely known by each other was exhilarating though now Shane spoke Russian. Ilya unable to hide behind his language anymore with each small word or pet name.
How was this his life now. He had everything he never knew he could even have or want.
Now lying in bed unable to fall asleep Shane studied his husband’s sleeping form. Here they were in the cottage years from when they had first spent that unforgettable week together.
They’d been desperate for eachother. So in love and so afraid of what that meant for their future.
Now in the same spot where they had confessed their love to one another. Shane stroked his fingers along his husband’s chest playing with the fine golden hairs there admiring how he bagged such an attractive man. He had him forever that thought was overwhelmingly perfect.
He stared with those glazed over eyes that Ilya was obsessed with. Deep pools of brown that he often got lost in. One of his many favourite things about Shane.
Ilya was asleep snoring softly letting out little puffs of air. Mouth open. He was so cute. How lucky was Shane that he had the privilege of witnessing this side of a man that more than a few people were afraid of.
In reality Ilya, although a complicated person was a massive softy at heart. Seen in the way he loved Shane. Seen in the way he loved David and Yuna. Seen in the way he played with the Pike children. Seen in the way he spoiled Anya and teased Hayden and loved Svetlana. He had so much love to give and for the first time in a long time he was able to share it between the people who truly cared and loved him.
Shane wished he could go back in time just for a day.
He wanted to hear what Ilya had said that day on the phone now knowing him completely.
He’d ponded whether their thoughts were the same that day. He wanted to know if the things he felt through Ilya’s raw emotions and words were reflected in what he said. He’s never forgotten the way he felt that day. An Indescribable understanding between them without words. A feeling.
His eyes began getting heavy. He let a small kiss graze Ilya’s peck before cuddling up and drifting off to sleep. They always slept better next to each other.
-Dream-
Shane’s eyes awoke to a bright light in the echoey similarity of the stairwell of the Boston hotel.
Taking a few steps he peered over the banister to find himself from 4 years ago perched on the steps phone to his ear.
It was strange seeing this version of himself. He looked young. He remembered feeling hopeless and desperate to help Ilya in any way.
What was even more shocking was than seeing his past self was hearing the pain in Ilya’s voice.
“Yeah I know Shane”….
“English is too hard right now”
Somehow that was more painful to hear this time around. He sounded weak and vulnerable. Ilya’s insecurity about his English and his wavering breath. It took him a few moments to breathe before listening in again.
His past self had encouraged Ilya to use Russian to express his emotions and feelings any thing to help in some way.
Ilya had been taken aback when Shane had suggested it. This thoughtful beautiful man that he was so in love with.
Ilya took a breath before speaking. Shane took a moment to prepare himself for the translations and for whatever he was about to hear…
He closed his eyes. Ilya’s voice exactly the way he remembered.
The familiar sound was comforting.
“I'll never go back here again”
Oh this might be harder than he thought.
“I hate everything here. And everyone hates me”….
The surety in his voice broke his heart.
“And all I hear is "not enough." "I want more Ilya, I need more Ilya, more, more, more, more, more, more, more...”
If only he knew how loved he was now. About the family they had become. About the family they were making.
“I can't give these people a damn thing. I gave them everything. And I feel empty!” …
“They look at me and see either an ATM or an enemy. Or... I don't know which.”
Shane’s eyes welled up tears threatening to fall. These people didn’t deserve him, never treated him the way he should be. For all the big scary Russian exterior in reality Ilya was a sensitive soul fiercely protective of those he loved.
“My brother... he always hated me. I know why, but... it kills me.
And it kills me that he cared for my father, and I didn't. But I couldn't. I wasn't here. I still paid for everything, but he will never forgive me. Not for anything. For the fact that I even exist. “
The tears fell running silently down his cheek. The way his voice wobbled so unfamiliar and strange coming from Ilya. His cocky confidence gone.
Ilya’s brother was a sensitive subject never really spoken about. Mostly because he had no interest in revisiting that part of his life. Understandable but something Shane always wanted to push for. But he guessed maybe some parts were reserved for Ilya alone and he respected that.
“That means I have no one now.
Well... well, not really anyone, I have Svetlana. She loves me. And I love her.”
Oh! Shane regrettably felt the sting of those words.
“But not the way... Damn it.
Not the way I love you.”…
“I only want you. And always only you.”
Feeling stupid for even doubting him for a moment Shane let out a huge breath he didn’t even know he was holding. Letting the truth of those words settle over him. All this time.
“I’m so in love with you and I don’t know what to do about it”
“Okay I’m done”…
He’d been so sure of his feelings at the time he’d never even considered that Ilya had said any of that, so beautifully unguarded. He had already told Shane before the cottage. That was crazy right? All that time Shane spent stir crazy over his feelings not knowing if he had felt the same way. Holy shit.
Shane took a seat on the top step looking at his younger self so blissfully unaware that the man he was in love with had just confessed with his whole heart.
But really he shouldn’t be surprised not with the way his husband was. Shane briefly wondered what would have happened if he could have understood at the time but he would never take back their firsts I love yous. Not for the world.
-End of Dream-
The Sun streamed in from the windows as Shane began to wake up. The crisp morning air floating in the room from the window.
With one eye open to avoid the light he sneaked a look to his right to see mop of golden curls. A smiling man with his chin resting on Shane’s shoulder.
Those intense blue eyes looked softer whenever aimed at Shane. He had a small smile on his face. Shane watched Ilya admiring him just as he had done last night.
Shane was grateful for the words he’d heard last night. It meant the world to him. He needed to show Ilya that.
Rolling them over he straddled Ilya’s thick thighs and pinned him with his weight. He kissed his chin, his nose, his cheek, his forehead over and over repeating the truest thing he’d ever said…
“I love you”
“ya tebya lyublyu”