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i.
You never sleep right after you’re turned into a vampire. It’s not something that comes easy; everything that you see is some strange kind of feverdream, some grating kind of haunt. Your dreams are never the same, either; they become vivid, teeth bared and ready to Eat You Up like being turned again, and again, and again, and again. In your dreams you are crawling out of your own grave over and over and over, each time hoping for a different outcome that never happens: you die. You don’t emerge, and you die, and you don’t know hunger.
Right? In Raphael’s dreams he sees someone else climbing out of his grave. Over, and over, and over, and over.
ii.
“You know, one day you’re going to have to tell me about those dreams,” Magnus says calmly. Raphael selects PRIZED POSSESSION PURPLE from Magnus’ vast selection of nail polish colors and sits down at the table, right across from him.
Magnus takes Raphael’s hand and the fingernail clippers. This is something that they do every week, just the two of them. Closest thing Raphael has to family.
Wait, no.
He is Raphael’s family.
“How do you know about them?”
“Because everyone has them,” Magnus replies. “Because, frankly, I’d be concerned if you weren’t having them.”
“It’s strange,” Raphael says as Magnus takes out a bottle of shiny, clear base coat. “I… I don’t see myself. In the dreams. Not anymore.”
“Who do you see?”
“I don’t know,” Raphael says hesitantly. His voice is low. He trusts Magnus, wholly, completely. But the dreams…
“It’s okay not to know,” Magnus says. “It’s okay if you can’t tell me. I’m here when you’re ready to talk about them, you know that, right?”
Raphael looks at him. Magnus is so kind and caring and Raphael doesn’t deserve him, doesn’t deserve any of this.
“Thank you, Magnus,” he says. “The only thing I know about the person in my dreams is that they seem like they’re going to hurt me. Not physically, though. I’m – I’m sorry, this doesn’t make any sense.”
“It’s completely fine,” Magnus tells him. “Don’t worry. I understand.”
There’s almost a look of concern on his face as he paints Raphael’s nails.
It hurts.
iii.
“Don’t touch me,” screams the person in his dream.
And then: “You’re a monster.”
iv.
Raphael has always loved too much. The things that will destroy him, he loves. Tonight’s dream involves the concept of being soft, his roughness fading and fading and –
Fading.
There they are again, with soft hands. Everything about them is soft.
(You’re a monster, Raphael thinks.
Maybe I am.)
He can’t see their face, but he knows that they’re staring right into him, inside of him. It’s just – a feeling.
And then it hits him: fear. They are staring at him with fear. Waiting for him to make a move, backing away slowly like Raphael is a wild animal. Hunting.
Raphael has always loved too much. Raphael has always loved his downfalls.
v.
He never wanted to kidnap the mundane, but Valentine is back, Camille said, and he will raise hell on every downworlder. Raphael has to protect them. He would do anything to keep them safe.
It turns out that his name is Simon, though, and Clary Fairchild screams for him.
Simon, he thinks, like familiarity, and then: this is what I have to do to protect my family. This is what I have to do.
But Simon puts up a fight. Stabs him in the chest, ruins his jacket.
And it all falls into place. Broken pieces falling together.
It’s Simon.
Simon is the one in his dreams. More broken pieces.
When Raphael realizes, he lets Simon go. Watches Simon leave with a false growl of you mean nothing.
Inside, Simon means more than anything he has ever felt.
(Camille gives him hell for it. At first he thinks that he is going to die, and then—)
vi.
He carries Simon’s body to the Shadowhunters and thinks about being soft. Being kind, and gentle. Being everything that vampirism took from him. If the wrong Shadowhunters find him, they will kill him, and he will deserve it, oh, but he has to try. He has to try. If he doesn’t try then he will feel the emptiness again. Did you know that Raphael feels? Did you know? He feels all, like being on fire. Like burning in the sun, he feels.
And he feels empty.
“I’ll look after Simon,” he says. It feels wrong, but:
All that he has ever wanted to do is look after Simon.
vii.
“You’re a monster.”
viii.
Falling in love with Simon hits him like teeth in skin. He loves and loves and loves, and Simon looks at him, Simon says things like you’re all that I have and thank you (no one has ever thanked him before, see), Simon touches him and Raphael lets him because he: loves.
He dreams, the night that he tells Simon to stick around.
In the dream: Simon has Camille, and Raphael feels like something has been torn from him. Right out of him, and he’s empty again.
Simon is in the room across from his. He can feel Simon’s warmth—
It can't be true. Loving Simon will only cause pain, and he only knows emptiness, and here’s his problem:
Raphael loves.
It can't be true. They're just dreams. They're just dreams. In all likelihood, Simon will not hurt him, will not break him. Simon is soft and good, and Raphael loves.
ix.
In the end, he is left limbless and – and broken. He should have listened, he should have ripped out his insides when they said Simon will betray you, when his dreams said you’re a monster and Simon said you’re a monster, when his dreams said Simon will betray you, when everything screamed Simon will betray you. Simon will betray you. Simon will betray you.
In the end: of course.