Work Text:
Raphael knows his entire life is over when Simon walks up to him, places a hand on his shoulder, and says: "You know, I don't think I've seen you smile once the entire time I've been living here."
It's such bullshit. Raphael smiles. He smiles often. He smiles so much. Simon has seen it, too. He smiled when Simon threw a knife at his chest. He smiled when he was arguing with Luke. He smiled when Simon finally kicked his ass during training.
... Okay, so maybe Simon is right. He hasn't smiled out of true happiness in a very, very long time, but he's not about to just let Simon know that.
Anyways: This is Bad. This can only end badly. Very badly. Extremely badly. Here’s the problem: Raphael knows Simon, and Simon’s planning something stupid that he will have to shut down immediately before it gets out of hand. Thinking about what it could be makes Raphael shudder.
He’s going to kill Simon.
“No,” he says.
“No what? What does ‘no’ mean? That was just, you know, a statement,” Simon replies, and it’s obvious that he knows Raphael is suspicious.
“Whatever it is,” Raphael says, “I’m not doing it.”
Simon’s hand squeezes his shoulder harder. “I am – I am so offended by that,” he says, with fake shock in his voice, or what Raphael hopes is fake shock. “I seriously can’t believe you, Raphael. Me? Wanting you to do something that would make you happy? Like that would ever happen.”
“Great,” Raphael says. “Now remove your hand and tell me what the point of all this is. Just tell me what you’re planning and save us both some pain, okay?”
Simon sighs, takes his hand away and does the pouty lip thing that he knows Raphael hates. “I just… I – okay. So. I was thinking—”
“That’s never good.”
“Let me finish. I was thinking we’d organize a vamp clan speed dating night. You know. Find you a girlfriend, find everyone else that’s lonely someone to talk to. It would be great! I just want to make you happy.” Simon looks down at the ground. “And I kind of already maybe put it together sorry Raphael please don’t kill me,” he adds quickly.
Raphael is going to kill him.
“What?”
“Look, I’m sorry,” Simon says, and he looks like he knows Raphael is already figuring out a way to end his existence in the New York vampire clan, “I just want you to be happy. I just don’t want to see you grumpy all the time. You know, getting laid would really help. How do – how do vampires even have sex? Can we even get… you know… can we… get… h- whatever. Is it like the sex on those cheesy vampire shows where the guy and the girl both drink each other’s blood? Because, uh. Shit. Now I’ve got that picture in my head, and I really don’t want it there.”
Raphael laughs. He laughs. Regrets it, because the look on Simon’s face means that he’ll say something like holy shit you’re laughing and smiling what happened to Raphael? Which, obviously, we can’t have.
“What?”
“I don’t want to have sex, you idiot.”
“Oh,” Simon says. “Well, you don’t have to! You can just cuddle her. Kiss, whatever. You’re cool with that, right? On second thought, seeing you all lovey-dovey with someone would probably mean the end of the world. So forget it.”
“Simon,” Raphael says. “Obviously I’ve been doing something wrong, because I thought you were aware.”
“Aware of what? I don’t follow.”
“Personally, I’m offended. I’m extremely offended, actually. What about me seems straight to you? I’m gay, Simon.”
Now the shock on Simon’s face is real.
“Why are you so surprised? I thought it was obvious. Did you think I was joking that day you forced me to watch that Buffy show with you and I said Spike was attractive? Or every other time on your stupid Force Raphael To Watch Movies That He Doesn’t Want To Watch missions that I’ve made a comment about how good a male character looks? Simon. You’re slow.”
“Well,” Simon says, “I—”
Raphael looks at him pointedly.
“This is so great!” he says, and what the fuck, honestly? What? “I’m so glad. Now we can bond over not being straight and stuff.”
“You’re…”
“I’m pan,” Simon says. “You know, I like everyone. Girls, guys, people who don’t fit either category.”
A smile forces its way onto Raphael’s mouth and he bites his lip before Simon can see it. He will not smile around Simon. It’s just not going to happen. “Thank God,” he says. “I thought you were the first straight vampire in existence. I’m glad that I was wrong.”
“What about me seems straight to you?” Simon says, and he’s doing what he does best in (un)life: mimic and make fun of Raphael Santiago.
He will not smile around Simon. He can’t. He cannot smile around Simon Lewis.
“Looking back on it,” he says, “nothing.”
“Right.”
“Please call off your speed dating event,” Raphael says. “Please.”
“Okay,” Simon tells him. “I will. If you do one thing for me.”
“You are not blackmailing me again.”
“This isn’t blackmail! Promise.”
“Okay, fine,” Raphael says, because he’s, apparently, an idiot. “What do you want me to do?”
"Well, I have this friend," Simon says quickly, Ihavethisfriend, and Raphael groans before he can say anything else. It clicks: Simon has had a lot of bad ideas, a lot, but this is probably his worst one yet. Raphael is not going on a date. Especially with one of Simon's "friends". It's just not happening. It would end horribly.
Raphael isn't exactly the most pleasant person in the universe, and he knows it.
"No," Raphael says. "I'd rather die again than go out on a date with one of your friends."
"I never said anything about a date. It's interesting, you know, that 'date' is where your mind immediately went when I said that I have a friend."
Raphael glares at him.
"Come on," Simon whines, "when's the last time you went on a date?"
Here’s something that Simon can’t know under any circumstances: Raphael has never been on a date. He's never even kissed anyone. He's been alive for... much too long, and he's never been with anyone. In a dating way.
If Simon knew that, he would either make fun of Raphael, or worse, Simon would try to find someone for him.
"It's been a few decades," Raphael lies. "He wasn't the nicest individual in the world."
"Perfect," Simon says, beaming. "Just - just hear me out, okay? My friend is just as grumpy and unpleasant as you are. You two are like, made for each other. Plus, he really needs a distraction."
"So that's all I am?" Raphael asks sarcastically. "A distraction?"
"That's not what I meant and you know it," Simon says flatly. "I just want you both to be happy. It's so annoying seeing my friends down all the time. Will you at least consider it?"
Raphael rolls his eyes. Simon isn't going to shut up about this until he gives in, because that's what Simon does. He gets something stuck in his head and doesn't let it go until he gets what he wants. It's so incredibly annoying. "Fine," Raphael says, "if it will make you happy and stop you from talking, then I will go on a date with your unpleasant friend."
"Great!" Simon says. His face lights up.
Now he just has to get Jace to agree to it.
He keeps forgetting that Raphael has enhanced hearing, which has ended in some extremely awkward situations since Simon started living with him. Apparently, vampires don't knock, and apparently - as if he didn't already know this - Raphael is an absolute asshole.
He walks as far away from the Hotel as he can possibly get without someone seeing him before calling Clary's phone.
He's not sure what he's doing. All that he knows is this: he's determined to make Raphael happy.
He knows that he's going to die when Clary answers and he asks to speak to Jace.
Jace is going to kill him if Raphael doesn't kill him first. He imagines their faces as they meet each other in the restaurant, imagines that Jace would growl and Raphael would mutter something about how much he wants to rip Simon's head off.
And yeah, Simon probably deserves it, but there's no turning back now.
"What is it?" Jace says, snapping Simon back to sanity. "I really hope you didn't get kidnapped again."
"No, for once, I haven't been kidnapped. I haven't been kidnapped for a very long time! I'm keeping records, you know. It's been—"
"Simon," Jace interrupts. "What do you want?"
"I need your help. You have to meet me somewhere, but only you can come, so don't bring anyone else."
"Yeah, that's not happening," Jace laughs, and Simon knew it would be hard.
Luckily, he loves a challenge.
"Okay, so sorry for springing it on you like that. I need a guy's opinion on something, and you know how Raphael is. You're, obviously, the only one I can turn to for this."
"Okay, what do you need help with?"
"There’s this girl, one of Raphael’s friends – I know, shocking, Raphael having a friend – and she kind of asked me out, and I don’t know what to do. Should I turn her down? Should I go out with her? I don’t like her like that at all, but I don’t want to disappoint her. And, most importantly, I don’t want to piss off Raphael.”
“I don’t have time for this.”
“Please, Jace. I don’t like her. I – you know what? I just got an idea. You have to come over, right now, immediately.”
“Not happening,” Jace says, and he sounds exactly like Raphael. They truly are perfect for each other.
“Please. Help me out. Pretend to be my boyfriend so that she goes away. I’m begging you.”
“I didn’t know you liked me like that, Simon.”
“Shut up.”
“Have Raphael do it.”
Simon laughs. “You’re kidding, right? If I asked Raphael to do it, he’d push me into sunlight.”
“Something in me doubts that.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Look,” Jace sighs, “I’d love to be your boyfriend, but I really can’t. Shadowhunter business. Busy.”
“It’ll take five minutes. Come in, put your arm around me, pretend that you love me, leave. You have permission to completely embarrass me in front of the entire New York vampire clan. Isn’t that what you’ve always wanted?”
“You know what, fine. You’re obviously not going to let this go, so. I’ll be there soon.”
“No,” Simon says quickly. “Not the Hotel. Um. I’ll text you the address. Wear something nice, make it believable.”
“What—”
“Bye.”
Simon presses END CALL and takes in a completely unnecessary breath of air.
At this point, he can only hope for the best.
“You can’t go on a date looking like that,” Simon says, and he’s definitely trespassing in Raphael’s room but whatever. Raphael doesn’t seem angry. He’s wearing – surprisingly, he’s wearing Normal Clothes, which is making Simon more than a little uncomfortable. “Hurry up and change. Now.”
Raphael stares at him. Right into his soul. Do vampires even have souls?
…Now is not the time for existentialism. Right.
“When you said date,” he says, “you meant right now, didn’t you?”
“Yeah,” Simon says.
Raphael sighs. He is a man of honor, and he sticks to his word. Even if his word will create the worst situation in the history of earth.
“Leave and I’ll get dressed.”
“Thank you!”
Simon walks out of his room and Raphael swears he just did one of those ridiculous air fist pumps. Simon is the worst thing that has ever happened to him.
Okay, not really. He agreed to let Simon set him up on a blind date, which means he must really, really like Simon Lewis. That’s… strange.
Raphael approaches his closet and – holy shit, what do you even wear on a date? He is one-hundred-percent in over his head. He could ask Simon for help, but—
That would require telling Simon he’s never been on a date, so nope. Not happening.
He stares and stares and stares and stares. His eyes move to one of his jackets – dark purple, one of his favorites.
Is that the kind of thing you’d wear on a date? Knowing Simon, he probably set it up at a fucking McDonalds or something ridiculous and unprofessional like that.
But. He wants to look good.
He picks it up, along with the matching pants because he’s Raphael and all of his clothes have to match, okay, it’s just law, and changes.
Is he actually enjoying this?
When Simon drops him off – thankfully it is not a McDonalds and the restaurant actually looks acceptable – he realizes he is definitely not enjoying this.
Mostly because Jace Wayland is standing outside of the double doors.
He is going to kill Simon.
Simon, who is driving away from the restaurant at the speed of light. No, faster than light. He knows that he’s fucked up.
He’s going to give Simon hell for this.
(Maybe.)
(He can’t really imagine actually hurting him, because he’s Not That Kind Of Guy, but. He’ll definitely give Simon the silent treatment, or something. He’ll figure out a punishment later.)
When Jace sees him, his entire life ends.
“Hey,” he says, walking up to Raphael and holy shit this is the worst day of Raphael’s life. “Are you here with Simon? He called me and said he needed help with something, but I can’t find him.”
“He tricked you.”
“What?”
“Do you want to know what he told me?” Raphael says. “Or should I leave it up to your imagination?”
“I don’t understand,” Jace tells him. “Is he with you or not?”
“Simon said he had a friend that he wanted me to go on a date with.”
“And you agreed?”
“He forced me.”
“I’m sure he did. So, who is it?”
It takes Jace a minute for it to set in, but when it does his face wrinkles. Raphael can tell he’s thinking the same thing: fuck Simon.
“Oh,” Jace says. “That – I’m gonna – Simon. Simon. I’m going to—”
“End him,” Raphael finishes, “kill him. I know. I’ll help you.”
Jace, surprisingly, laughs. “Good.” There’s silence for a few minutes. “How do you think we should do it? You’re closer to him. Kidnap him again, and I’ll come through one of the windows holding a big stake.”
“We don’t have windows,” Raphael says. “Kind of hard to have windows when you turn to dust in sunlight.”
“Right.”
“Otherwise, the plan sounds good.”
“I guess doors are okay as a back-up plan.”
Raphael bites back – laughter? Is that laughter? Is he seriously thinking about laughing at one of Jace Wayland’s jokes, the same Jace Wayland that Simon set him up on a blind date with? He needs to remember that. Simon did this. If anything happens, it’s Simon’s fault.
“So,” Jace says, “what should we do with the body?”
“Not sure,” Raphael replies. “I’m open to ideas.”
“How about I take the upper half and you take the lower half? We’ll use it as an example and tell people we don’t like that this is what happens when we get upset.”
Raphael frowns. “No.”
“Why not?”
“Because I want the upper half of his body.”
Jace rolls his eyes. “Fine. You can have the upper half.”
“If it helps,” Raphael says, “I’ll give you the arms.”
“How romantic,” Jace says, and then Raphael can tell he’s realizing exactly what just came out of his mouth because he’s coughing and looking at the floor and holy shit, it’s kind of –
Nope.
This is Jace Wayland and it’s disgusting, this whole situation.
He should hate Jace! Raphael should hate him. Except –
“I’m not sure why Simon brought me here,” he says in a pathetic attempt to end the awkwardness, “since vampires can’t eat. A fact that he knows and complains about constantly.”
“He’s annoying,” Jace says. “I’m sorry you have to deal with that.”
“It’s a challenge.”
“I can imagine.”
Jace sighs. “Listen, why did Simon set you up with me?”
“He said he wanted to me to be happy,” Raphael replies. “Which I think we both know is bullshit.”
“Why is it bullshit?”
“Because I am happy,” Raphael tells him. “And because I’m fairly sure all that Simon wanted to do was humiliate me.”
Jace smiles. “Yeah, okay, you’re happy. Sure. And – no. I don’t think Simon is the kind of person who wants to humiliate people.”
Raphael scoffs. “You don’t believe me? I am happy, Jace. Simon, for whatever reason, just doesn’t think so. I’ll prove him wrong.”
“How?”
He sighs. “I’ll think of something.”
Jace smiles – admittedly, it is a nice smile, charming – and pulls out his cell phone. Opens something labeled SKYPE.
“What are you doing?”
“Helping you.”
He presses on Simon’s name, and then VIDEO CALL. Raphael can tell that this is not going to be good. At all.
“Jace…”
“Relax.”
When Simon’s face pops up on the screen a few moments later, Raphael freezes. He’s dead.
Okay, he’s literally dead, they both are, but he’s dead. Jace is going to do something stupid, he can feel it.
“Simon,” Jace says. “Just wanted to let you know that we are having such a great time together.” He turns the phone to Raphael, and—
Kisses him. On the cheek. Holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit.
Raphael does the worst thing possible: he laughs. Awkwardly.
Simon is going to make fun of him for centuries.
“Thanks for setting us up, Simon!”
“I’m so happy!” Simon says – at least he thinks that’s what Simon is saying, because the audio is really, really messed up. Either that or Raphael is going crazy. Two very possible situations. “I’m – this is so great, you guys.”
“Yes,” Raphael says weakly. “Great. Goodbye, Simon.”
Raphael presses a button – he’s not sure what button he’s pushing, but it seems to work, because Simon’s face is no longer on Jace’s phone, thank God.
“What the hell was that?”
“If Simon thinks we’re dating,” Jace says, “then he’ll leave you alone. And he’ll leave me alone.”
“You didn’t have to…”
“Gotta make it believable.”
“I’ve had enough of this,” Raphael tells him, “I’m going home.”
“Me too,” Jace says, and then smiles. “Tell Simon to give you my number, okay? Maybe next time it’ll be less awkward.”
“What do you mean next time—”
Jace is gone.
Typical shadowhunter.
“So,” Simon says. “It seems like you had a really good time.”
“I did,” Raphael replies, and it’s only partially a lie.