Work Text:
Harris
Hey Luca,
I hope you’re having a good time in Switzerland! When you’re all back for the season, I would like to do a video with the team tasting different snacks. I’d like to ask you, if you could bring some typical Swiss snacks with you? We’ll reimburse you, of course ;)
See you soon,Harris
Hi Harris
I can do that, what kind of snacks are you looking for?
That’s great to hear!
Just things that are typical for Switzerland, it can also be a drink or something. It doesn’t matter if it’s sweet or savoury.
Chocolate obviously.
Ok, I’ll bring something
Probably a lot
But I’ll just eat the rest myself :))
Ok, professional athlete
What about cheese? Is that counted as a snack?
I mean, sure, but please bring something else as well
---
Video – The Centaurs trying Swiss snacks
LUCA HAAS is standing next to a table with a plethora of snacks. He looks only slightly uncomfortable.
LUCA HAAS
Hi there. I am Luca Haas, a Right Wing with the Ottawa Centaurs. Today I am introducing some of my teammates to typical Swiss food.
The camera pans out and slightly over, showing ILYA ROZANOV, TROY BARRETT, ZANE BOODRAM and OSKAR HOLMBERG sitting behind a long table like a jury on a cooking contest. There are banners below them with their names and respectively, “Will eat anything”, “Needs a better favourite treat than salmon”, “Certified foodie”, “Swedish”, written on them. Luca turns away from the camera to face them.
LUCA HAAS
So, what would you guys like to start with.
ZANE BOODRAM
Bring us some of that famous Swiss cheese, kid.
Luca turns towards the table, grabbing a red packaged cheese, opening and cutting it into pieces while talking.
LUCA HAAS
So, this is Appezeller. It’s one of the most well-known cheeses in Switzerland, personally I like the mild one, because the taste only gets more intense with time, so it is what I brought. The recipe for this is like, really secret.
Luca takes the cutting board over to THE JURY and lets each of them take a piece, vanishing out of frame to give one to Harris. As he returns, he’s also chewing, looking expectantly at The Jury.
ILYA ROZANOV
Good cheese, very nice. But is cheese classified as a snack?
LUCA HAAS
Anything is a snack if you try hard enough.
TROY BARRETT
Is this what you make fondue out of?
LUCA HAAS
You can make fondue out of any cheese, you can also mix them, it really just depends on how you like it.
OSKAR HOLMBERG
So why are we not eating fondue?
LUCA HAAS
Fondue is more of a winter food. We’ll eat it in the winter sometime.
ILYA ROZANOV
Yes, is too hot for cheese soup.
Luca sighs. He moves back to the table chooses something else.
LUCA HAAS
Anyway, let’s move on. These are also from Appezell, they’re Biberli, it’s kind of ginger-bready, these are filled with something with almonds, I think?
TROY BARRETT
You seem to be a bit uninformed about these.
LUCA HAAS
I usually just eat them. I don’t have to tell myself what they taste like in a whole ass other language, do I now?
ILYA ROZANOV
Yeah, Barrett, translating cultural concepts is really hard. Don’t shit on us for accommodating you.
Oskar nods in agreement.
TROY BARRETT
Okay, I’m sorry. Let’s eat these - whatever they are called.
Luca throws them each an individually packed Biberli, he throws one behind the camera to Harris. The Jury unpack their Biberli and try them.
ZANE BOODRAM
I like this, it’s kind of dense, but very nice.
OSKAR HOLMBERG
Yes, it does kind of taste like gingerbread.
Luca takes another bag from the table, smiling at the positive feedback.
LUCA HAAS
These are Basler Läckerli, they are from Basel and they are very good.
He lets all of them take one out of the bag and, once again, vanishes to let Harris also have one. Troy has only taken a little bite, not looking very happy.
TROY BARRETT
Is there like, orange in this?
LUCA HAAS
I actually have no idea what exactly is in these. Might be.
Troy takes a big gulp out of his glass as Luca is inspecting the packaging.
LUCA HAAS
Well, there’s Orangeat in here. That’s orange, I think, but more like preserved orange? I couldn’t even describe it to you in German.
HARRIS DROVER (OC)
It’s candied orange peel.
TROY BARRETT
Yeah, I don’t like that.
ZANE BOODRAM
I think they’re great. Can I have another one.
Zane stretches out his hand, Ilya follows him, seemingly also liking the treat. Luca walks over and gives each of them another one.
Cut.
OSKAR HOLMBERG
Can we try a drink for a change now?
LUCA HAAS
Sure, why not. Say a number between one and three.
OSKAR HOLMBERG
I choose two.
Luca reaches for a bottle. He gets some drinking glasses and starts distributing the drink before suddenly remembering something.
LUCA HAAS
Wait, are any of you lactose intolerant?
OSKAR HOLMBERG
Should you have not asked us this before giving us cheese?
LUCA HAAS
Appezeller doesn’t contain lactose; it’s a hard cheese.
ILYA ROZANOV
But this is soda, no? Not milk?
LUCA HAAS
It’s kind of milk based? Not actual milk, but parts of it?
TROY BARRETT
Why do you have milk-based soda? That must be gross, no?
LUCA HAAS
Don’t you dare say anything against Rivella. It’s the single most greatest drink ever. It’s also only really a problem if you’re severely intolerant. So, if you are, just please don’t drink it.
He goes around, distributing the glasses. The Jury all eye the drink suspiciously, Zane sniffs it before trying it. Ilya looks at it through the light like a wine sommelier.
LUCA HAAS
Oh my God, just drink it. It’s good, I promise.
They all take hesitant sips.
OSKAR HOLMBERG
It’s actually not that bad.
ILYA ROZANOV
Yes, could definitely be worse.
TROY BARRET
Well, it does not taste like milk, so that’s good.
ZANE BOODRAM
It’s kind of like ginger ale? But different?
ILYA ROZANOV
Do you have more of that, Haasy? I want to give Shane some to try.
LUCA HAAS
Yeah, sure, I’ll give you a bottle.
Luca grabs something else, seemingly at random, off the table and takes a quick look at the packaging.
LUCA HAAS
These are Willisauer Ringli. There’s not much to say, they’re rings made in Willisau.
He passes them out. The Jury takes them. Ilya bites into it.
ILYA ROZANOV
Holy Shit, Haas! These are rock hard, did you decide we still had too many teeth left and you needed to take them out yourself?
LUCA HAAS
Sorry, I forgot about that. My grandpa used to give these to us, so I was never sure if they were actually meant to be this hard. I guess you kind of have to nibble on them.
HARRIS DROVER (OC)
Please don’t loose any teeth, that would be so hard to explain to management. Maybe just move on.
Cut.
Luca stands pensively in front of the table, like he’s evaluating every snack. Finally, he grabs a blue bag.
LUCA HAAS
Oh, Roz, I have something you’ll like. These are Bäretatze, bear paws.
Luca opens the bag, snatching a piece and eating it whilst going around, letting everyone take one.
TROY BARRETT
These are actually pretty good. They taste similar to the other thing we had before.
ZANE BOODRAM
These are also very dense, is that like, a requirement for Swiss sweets?
ILYA ROZANOV
These are very good, even better when called bear paws. Please let me take more later.
LUCA HAAS
Sure, Roz. Oh, we should try Bündner Nusstorte next, that’s like the pinnacle of dense. Might want to fill up your waterglasses though, it’s very dry.
Luca starts cutting up a very flat, round cake. Meanwhile, Oskar is filling up all of their waterglasses. Luca puts the pieces on plates and serves them to The Jury.
TROY BARRETT
It’s like a walnut pie, right?
LUCA HAAS
Yeah, kind of, it’s pretty nice. And very Swiss.
The Jury all eat their pie, they seem pleased.
Cut.
HARRIS DROVER (OC)
I think we should move to the chocolate. There’s lots of that around.
LUCA HAAS
Sure, let’s start with Lindor Chugle. These are chocolate balls made by Lindt und Sprüngli. There are different flavours, the red ones are milk chocolate, the black ones are dark chocolate, and the white ones are white chocolate. I thought I’d only bring the basic ones, but there are so many more.
Luca puts a bowl with the Lindor Chugle on the table. Troy and Zane go for a dark chocolate one, whilst Ilya and Oskar choose milk chocolate.
OSKAR HOLMBERG
God, these are chocolatey.
ILYA ROZANOV
You are just weak.
Zane looks over to Troy.
ZANE BOODRAM
I think the dark chocolate was a good choice.
Troy nods in agreement. Luca starts to pass out the next thing.
LUCA HAAS
I’ve got more where that came from. Next are Branchli or Prügeli, like little chocolate sticks? When you have a special day in school, like a sports day or whatever, you sometimes get a Weggli, a small bread that has a crease in the middle, and a Branchli. It’s very practical when you want to take dessert on a hike.
The Jury eats their Branchli approvingly. What do you expect, it’s chocolate. Luca walks out of the frame and returns with mugs and milk. He walks over to the table, sets everything down and opens a fairly large, orange container and starts to mix the powder from the container with milk in the mugs.
LUCA HAAS
This, my guys, is one of the best things ever, Ovi. It’s like cocoa but less sweet and way better. There is also some actual chocolate from them somewhere here, but the drink is the real star of the show.
He finishes the drinks and brings them over to the guys. He stands back, looking at them expectantly, it is clear that only positive responses will be accepted.
OSKAR HOLMBERG
It’s good. Pucko’s still better, but it’s not bad.
LUCA HAAS
I do not even know what that is, so it is irrelevant.
Oskar makes an exaggerated shocked face, whilst Luca stares down the rest of The Jury.
ILYA ROZANOV
It’s good, Luca. Very nice.
TROY BARRETT
Yeah, I like that it isn’t so sweet.
ZANE BOODRAM
What they said.
Cut.
Luca is standing very stiffly next to the table again.
LUCA HAAS
That was it, thank you for following along with us.
HARRIS DROVER (OC)
Everyone say, “Thank you Luca”.
THE JURY
Thank you Luca.
Video outro screen.
---