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I haven't heard unrecorded human speech besides my own for a long time now. Many Earth and Erid years. So, when a large pinkish grey Eridian I know I've probably met before but can't pinpoint walks into the meeting space in my enclosure with the laptop, the last thing I'm expecting to hear is "Hello, Astronaut Grace." in Meryl Streep's voice.
That's exactly what I hear.
I stand up from the chair on my side of the room, which has become easy again after a lot of strength training, and walk to the divider.
"Hi! You're using the text-to-speech software?"
"I am! I wanted to be as precise with my English as possible, and it's easier to type what I want to say. That way, I have more control over the nuances I convey."
Whoa. They're wordy for an Eridian.
"Cool! What's your name?"
They place the leg closest to me in front of their carapace at an angle, like they're shielding a blow, and sing flowing minor chords. I'm going to call them Miranda.
"I've come here today to discuss figurative language. I have a good understanding of most of Earth's languages, but every single one has at least some parts that elude me. Most of the time, they're culturally specific idioms. I have read Earth literature on the subject, but I want to hear Astronaut Grace's subjective experience with this aspect of communication."
Typing all that takes much longer than just saying it in Eridanese would, but with this topic, I get why they chose the computer.
I pull my chair forward and take a seat again. "Shoot."
Miranda makes an amused trill.
"Shoot is an example."
Oh, yeah. "Didn't even mean to do that." I admit.
"It comes naturally to you. In Eridanese, we are typically very literal. Figurative speech is reserved for art or profanity, so it doesn't come naturally to most of us."
Huh. That's interesting. Rocky never had much trouble understanding me. Maybe he has a poetic soul. Or maybe he swears like a sailor. Probably the latter.
"Can you give me an example of Eridian figurative speech?" I ask.
Miranda taps their fingers lightly on the ground, thinking. Then, they begin typing.
"In a famous opera, the main character often says it can hear its mate's voice at all times, even after its mate dies in the story."
I nod, smiling softly. "That's beautiful."
Miranda adopts a pleased and, if I'm not mistaken, slightly surprised posture. "Astronaut Grace understand, question?" They use their own voice this time.
"I think so. It means they can imagine what their mate would say in any situation because they're so close."
"Yes!" Miranda wiggles. Through the keyboard, they continue, "My children didn't understand this until I explained to them after the show was over. I'm still not certain they understand. My mate joking about it did not help."
Suddenly, the default robotic text-to-speech voice spoke. "It can hear mate's voice because mate is under stage waiting for end of show."
Is that an impression of Miranda's mate? I laugh. "Well, opera goes over people's heads on Earth, too."
"I suspect that's another idiom?" Back to Meryl.
"Yeah, sorry. It means-"
"No apology," they dismiss quickly with their natural voice. "Let me try guess meaning."
I hold up my hands, backing off.
After a few moments of consideration, typing resumes and the Meryl voice pipes up again. "The head is where most of the human sensory organs are located. Does "goes over people's heads" mean they cannot sense, metaphorically? That is, they don't understand?"
"Exactly! Well, not exactly. You guessed the definition, but I think the phrase comes from someone throwing a ball and someone else not catching it because it was too high in the air."
"So, they miss the meaning of the opera like they miss the ball?"
I do jazz hands. "That's it!" Then, I stop. "Wait. Actually, I think it might be from drowning."
Miranda makes a startled buzz.
"Yeahhh. We have a lot of water expressions. Lots of them are about drowning in it. I'd have to look it up to be sure. Lots of sports expressions, too, so it could be from either."
Miranda shuffles their weight and types slowly. "Many Earth expressions reference death. Yet there are also many ways to refer to death without saying the word itself. Why do you think that is?"
Wow, things got heavy fast. Heavy and philosophical. Neither are my forte, but I've been trying my best to be a gracious guest on Erid, and sometimes that means answering Big Questions.
"I don't know for sure," I admit. "If I had to guess, I'd say it's probably because death is universal, but it's uncomfortable for people to talk about someone they personally know dying."
Miranda ponders this. "I believe I understand. We feel the same on Erid."
I like discussing our planet's respective cultures, but I also feel like I'm back in middle school English, hoping to get a good grade on my report. It's a relief to hear I'm passing so far. Yet, as much as I'm enjoying the more high-minded side of things, I'm incredibly curious about something else Miranda mentioned.
I clear my throat a little, then apologize, remembering most Eridians find it gross. "So, you said you guys use figurative language for swearing?"
"Yes. You already know many of these swears." Miranda says wryly.
"I do?"
"Yes," They reply, switching again. "Idiot. Stupid. Crazy."
"Wait, wait, wait. Those are swears?! Those are figures of speech?!"
Miranda trills in laughter and begins typing. "I thought Rocky might not have taught you the true definitions. You were unusually profane when you first arrived, especially for a non-native speaker. After researching your langauge, I found out you almost never swear properly in English, so I assumed you didn't mean to swear in Eridanese either. It seems I was correct."
Darn it, Rocky!
"Please, you have to tell me what I've been saying. I don't want to swear in front of the kids!" I'm ever so slightly panicked now. I hope I haven't been a bad influence!
Miranda is still laughing. "The children have heard worse. The Eridanese phrase you know to mean "idiot" literally translates to "open cloaca". "Stupid" translates to "mistaking waste for food". "Crazy" translates to "walking on one's elbows". Rocky uses these expressions often. Everyone knows it was his influence. No one assumes you have any ill intent."
Now that I'm listening for it, I can hear the root words in the expressions. I've been swearing up a storm and I didn't even know it! My mouth is agape. I know it's even more impolite here than it was on Earth, but I can't help it.
"I've been calling myself a- a dumbass shit-for-brains!" I exclaim.
Miranda hadn't needed the translator on the screen for anything on their end up until now, but my outburst caused them to take out the display reader attached to the laptop. When they read the transliteration of my profanity, their whole carapace shakes hysterically.
"Apology!" they manage in between bouts of laughter.
Turns out laughter is contagious across species. I start to chuckle, which grows into a full-on cackle. There's a knock at the door of the meeting room, which makes Miranda laugh harder. I don't understand why until Rocky lets himself in, at which point my cheeks start to hurt.
He pivots his focus between Miranda and me as the ruckus gradually dies down.
"You two are crazy." he declares at last.
We laugh like we're walking on our elbows in response.