Archive of Our Own

The end of my life as I currently knew it started as a typical Tuesday (or what was probably a Tuesday) with Rocky tinkering in his enclosure and me tinkering in mine as we chit-chatted idly about our observations. 

I’d just finished writing down a few notes, talking to Rocky as I did so, when I noticed he’d been silent for the better part of three minutes as I rambled, which was unlike him. 

I began to wheel around in my chair with a “Hey! Are you even listening to me?” on the tip of my tongue only to stop dead after seeing him already staring at me. Very intently staring at me. How does an alien being with no face and certainly no eyes stare intently? I’m not sure but he was doing it somehow.

“What? Do I have something on my face?” I swipe an arm down my cheeks just in case.

“Grace said no mate. Not have for long time. Why question?” Rocky says apropos of nothing once he has my full attention and two of his arms return to their tinkering. 

Oh. I thought we’d been over all of this already but apparently he wants to twist the proverbial conversation knife again.

“I don’t know…Compatibility maybe? My own preference? Dating on Earth can be really tedious and relationships are difficult. Or maybe I was subconsciously giving off a ‘Do Not Approach Me’ sign on my forehead or something.” I laugh while Rocky just continues to stare at me, silent, save the sounds from his tools. 

“Preference?” He asks finally, claws clicking as he works. “Grace no interest in mate question?”

“I mean-” I laugh again, albeit more awkwardly, as I rub at my neck, and swivel back and forth in my chair. “I wouldn’t say that. Sure I’d have loved someone to spend time with, to share thoughts and experiences with or to go home to...” I trail off as I am hit with an overwhelmingly inexplicable and intense sadness that brings a few tears to my eyes. Weird.

Rocky, as usual, picks up on my somber tone and I can tell he’s about to say something so I rush to continue, “But it’s fine! Really. That wasn’t in the cards for me and I was honestly okay with that;  I wasn’t sad about it.” 

And I wasn’t, but I also know that’s because I didn’t let myself think about it. I had kids and their futures to worry about; my own dating life took the constant backburner. It never truly felt like a sacrifice to me at the time, like I was making any sort of difficult choice. It’s just the way the pieces fell for me and I was (usually) okay with it. 

Or rather, only okay enough with it until I was forced to stare down the barrel of a microscope and reflect, apparently. I feel a small piece of myself start to detach, float away, on the verge of the first spin in a downward spiral. I desperately hope this conversation doesn’t start to unspool some lost and forgotten thread in my psyche that leaves me distraught and crying under the covers over a life lost.

Rocky makes a tone I’ve come to realize is the equivalent of a human ‘hmm’ noise and continues to work for a few moments in silence. He almost seems to be warring with himself about something, seemingly agitated, vents puffing and carapace fidgety. All this while he continues to keep most of his attention on me, still watching me intently. 

Man. I wish I could compartmentalize and work or think about as many things as he can at one time; I could have graded so many papers at once. Handy.

“Grace consider dating on Erid question?” Rocky asks suddenly in a tone I can’t decipher.

“Oh! Uhm–” I honestly hadn’t considered that, not once. Not that I have anything against interspecies connections, of course (so long as communication is clear and consent is provided), but dating has admittedly not been at the top of my radar in recent years. “Like finding a mate on Erid? Maybe? I don’t know. Probably not.”

“Why question?”

Oh man. This conversation was moving into places I didn’t know how to feel about and didn’t know how to respond to. I feel like I’ve been sitting passively on the passenger side and now desperately wanting to reach over and grab the steering wheel to turn us in the opposite direction.

“What’s with the sudden interest in this topic?” I reply in lieu of answering as my hands reach for the pen just for something to fiddle with.

“Grace avoid question question?”

“I’m not avoiding anything, bud, I’m just wondering where all of this is coming from, that’s all.” And avoiding. Definitely avoiding.

Rocky gives me a Look, clearly not buying what I’m selling, but is kind enough to throw me a bone. 

“Curious. Rocky knows rituals important. Grace have needs. Rocky not want Grace feel lonely. Not want Grace feel sad.” 

A lump forms in my throat as I am once again smacked in the face by the reminder that Rocky would do literally anything for me and the depths of Rocky’s consideration for my needs.

“I’m not sad, Rock, don’t worry. Not lonely either, I’ve got you. Plus I’m going to be able to make other friends and spend time with other Eridians once we get there, I don’t think I’ll even remember what loneliness is.” 

Hopefully. There’s also the off chance the Eridians take one look at me, the strange leaky blob of a human, and don’t want anything to do with me, but I’ll cross that potential devastating bridge when we get to it. 

“Yes Grace make many Eridian friends.” Rocky agrees before turning towards me, his complete attention on me again. “Rocky is Grace best Eridian friend question?” He huffs, claw stomping as he pushes his whole carapace up in his assertion.

“Rocky will always be Grace’s best friend, period. Of anyone, human or Eridian.” I assure him with a small smile, quietly and selfishly pleased at the overt display of his possessiveness in my hypothetical friendships for reasons I don’t care to examine.

This appeases him, apparently, as he lowers back down and idly fiddles again but I can tell he’s contemplating. Don’t ask me how I know all of this. It's just a feeling, but, if you’re around a guy as much as we are with each other you’re just bound to pick up on these things, face or no face.

A beat passes before Rocky continues, “Grace could find mate. Is possible. Much interest on Grace when arrive. Will be wanted.”

“I mean I don’t know about all that,” I laugh. “A healthy curiosity about me and humans in general, sure, but I don’t really think that’ll translate to any sort of…romantic interest or potential suitors.”

“Not know word.”

“Oh, suitors, it’s like…potential people you can date. People that are interested in you romantically and they attempt to woo you to get your interest in return. It’s honestly kind of an old fashioned term and not used a lot anymore.” I pause briefly, realizing I’d used another word he probably doesn’t know yet, “And ‘woo’ is what someone does when they’re trying to date someone, the acts they do. It can be any number of things like giving gifts, praising them, spending time together and all that jazz.”

“Understand.” Rocky’s carapace shakes in a way I can only read as irritation before he grumbles, “Grace receive many woos on Erid.” 

A laugh pushes out of me loudly and suddenly, can’t help it, as both the very idea and his sour-puss delivery is amusing.

“Yeah sure, whatever you say, bud.”

“Is truth. Grace interesting and smart when not stupid-”

“Thanks, Rock.”

“-many Eridian look for this in mate.”

He seems strangely assured of this but personally I will be very surprised if I get any interest at all outside of bizarre wonderment and the scientific desire to understand my human biology. I definitely think Rocky is overestimating just how ‘interesting and smart’ I will be to the average Eridian once the initial charm and excitement has worn off. 

Dating will be off the table for quite some time, I’m sure, if it's even a consideration for the table at all. Plus who’s to say Eridians would even want that kind of relationship with a human? Let alone with me with all my weird human hang ups and quirks. It would require an insane amount of self-sacrifice and commitment to a life and relationship that would be ten times more difficult than it should be. It would be asking a lot of someone to put up with my…human-ness.

That’s not even mentioning the full blown sexual incompatibility aspect and my inability to ever copulate with an Eridian and help conceive a child. I can’t imagine someone being okay with and agreeing to sign up for that. Great, I’ve started to bum myself out now. 

However, on the opposite end of the spectrum, now that the topic has been brought up I can’t help but contemplate it, at least a little. There is something fascinating about the prospect of dating an alien. Scientifically speaking, of course.

“Hmm,” I tap the pen to my lips, mock-considering. Rocky has stopped his tinkering again, undivided attention turning towards me. “Okay, fine. In the essence of time and how much we have, I’ll bite. What would that look like on Erid?”

“What question?”

“Wooing. If someone is interested in pursuing me romantically what should I expect?”

Rocky doesn’t answer immediately but instead he fidgets, carapace swaying back and forth before he gets up to putter to his bag of tools to look for something. 

Once he does speak that odd tone I can’t place is back. “Not know exact. Every Eridian different; have different ways of showing.” 

That feels like a cop out answer and I find myself getting irritated by it. I’m finally playing along and joining in on the conversation only to be immediately shut down. He was the one who started this!

“Okayyyy well there has to be a few usual things right? Like what is the typical way that Eridians show affection and care towards someone they want to mate with?”

Rocky spends an inordinate amount of time silently looking through a bag for a guy who has perfect memory and never loses anything, ever. 

“Rocky?” I try, wondering suddenly if I’ve somehow offended him with this line of questioning.

“Not know. Prepare gifts and much talking; spend time together. Praise voice and qualities you enjoy of person.” He states, answer somewhat disjointed in the delivery as he’s clearly perturbed about something. At least he’s stopped the ruse of rooting around for a tool he clearly isn’t looking for. 

I decide to ignore his weird behavior for now and begin to reply how similar that is to Earth’s ‘mating’ practices when Rocky suddenly slams his bag down, making me jump.

“Lose tool. Rocky look.” Rocky declares, not giving me another glance as he skitters off down his tunnel towards the sleeping quarters.

Huh. Well that was weird.

—-----------------------------------

A few days pass and Rocky doesn't mention the conversation we had and neither do I. I chalk it up to him being already moody for whatever reason as opposed to me doing anything wrong. I mean heck he was the one who brought up the whole topic to begin with! Whatever I said probably contributed to whatever he was already feeling but after wracking my brain I failed to see where I said anything that could have been misconstrued as offensive.

Then again I’m still not fully knowledgeable on Eridian culture or customs yet. It is possible I somehow stepped on some Secret Code of Eridian Wooing or something. The thought stresses me out as it only serves to remind me just how much I still have left to learn about what to expect for life on Erid and the possibilities of not being accepted, not having help outside of Rocky and just how isolating the experience could end up being. 

These are the inane thoughts plaguing me as I spin idly around in my chair once again in the lab as Rocky also once again works quietly beside me, but this time in his ball rather than the tunnel enclosure.

 “Grace.” Rocky’s quiet tones bring me out of my reflective reverie (and existential spiral) and I stop spinning to watch him while he works on his personal projects.

“Yeah, pal?”

Somehow I can tell he’s not looking at me, attention fully on his own hands as he works even though he’s attempting to engage me in conversation. If I had to assign a human emotion to his actions I would almost say it’s bashful–which is just ridiculous but there you have it.

“Grace discuss past relationships question?” Rocky asks and his voice is timid, much softer than normal.

Huh. 

“Really? I kind of thought we were over that conversation. You didn’t seem happy about it last time.”

Rocky doesn’t answer immediately, dutifully watching his hands as he twists and molds the xenonite in his hands into shapes and patterns I can’t comprehend the function of.

He shrugs a few ‘shoulders’ and makes a small noise equivalent of ‘I don't know.’

So much for that illuminating answer; I was kind of hoping he’d shed some light on why the heck he responded how he did a few days ago, but I have nothing to hide and nothing else better going on so I decide to humor him again.

“Well you already know about the woman who ended up with Mark-” Rocky bristles at the name which makes me chuckle. “-and sadly there’s not a lot else to tell. I’m pretty lacking in the ‘dating’ department, unfortunately. I had another brief relationship in college but I was too devoted to my studies and busy to be a good partner and so was he so it didn’t work out. We did stay in contact for a little while afterwards though and were friends which was nice. I wasn’t really the fooling around type of guy but I admit I tried it out a few times before realizing it wasn’t fulfilling for me.” I realize my error as soon as I say it that he’s going to ask me to explain that phrase so I barrel on as quickly as I can in hopes of distracting him.

“My longest relationship was a little over a year.” A laugh escapes me; it sounds bitter. “Not that great of a turn out but it's fine. I’m glad I had the opportunities I did, I guess, it just wasn’t ever a priority for me.”

“Mmm,” Rocky replies, hands still moving deftly and without error as he works, clearly listening to what I have to say but also not once stopping in their movements. 

“Grace–” Rocky pauses, stutters an odd sound I can’t parse and then starts again. I don’t think I’ve seen him act this way before, it’s almost like he’s…nervous? 

“Grace feel love in relationships question?” His voice is tentative, even quieter than before when he asks. 

Good question. A complicated question to be sure but a good one. He really is asking me a bunch of zingers lately that put in stark contrast just what a sad sack of a human I am. 

“I think so? Yeah.”

Rocky shakes, an odd multi-tonal sound emitting from him I haven't heard before and it almost sounds like a snort. Whatever shyness or timidity he exhibited a moment ago seems to have disappeared in the face of his amusement.

“Grace not know if feel love question?”

“I know what love is, Rock, and I’m pretty sure I felt it yeah but…I don't know. At the same time, I’m not sure. It’s a complicated thing to try and explain.”

“Explain.”

“Ugh so bossy-” I groan dramatically and Rocky’s carapace shakes in a vigorous nod ‘yes’. “It’s like, having to figure out what love looks like and quantifying it is hard. At least for me. It’s a feeling, I know that but there’s also actions surrounding it that further reinforce those feelings. And it's a mutual thing–at least it’s supposed to be. The way I acted in my relationships…I don’t know if my partner ever truly understood that I loved them because I don’t know if I showed it properly. I worry I only ever showed the wrong kind of love and wasn’t intimate enough.” 

“Wrong love, question?”

“Yeah like you know how you have different kinds of attachments to those close to you and you show them different sides of yourself. Like a familial love is not the same as a love you’d feel for a romantic partner. It’s all under the umbrella of ‘love’ but how you show it is different.”

“Understand. Grace confused about love as concept.”

“What?” I scoff, offended. “No I’m not confused about it at all I just– I think I let myself get too wrapped up in my own head, what I was working on and my goals. I didn’t devote enough of my time or attention to the people I was with and because of that the relationship suffered because they were only giving me as much as I was sending their way, you know?”

“Not know, no.” Rocky confesses, clearly having a difficult time with picking up what I was trying to put down about something as complex as human thought patterns and emotional baggage .

“Well to answer your original question more succinctly then lets just say yes I did feel love to some extent in my relationships but I think I was pretty crap about showing it most of the time.”

“How Grace show romantic love question?” Rocky asks, apparently not happy with my final—or rather what I thought was final— statement on this topic. 

“Oh, uh,” My hand reaches up to fiddle with my glasses, moving them back up to my face with a little cough as I spin back to my desk in the facade of acting busy. “I don’t know if we really need to get into the personal specifics of my dating life or anything like that. It’s not that interesting.”

“Interest to me.” Rocky stomps his foot impatiently against the bottom of his ball and I glance back at him to see him watching me, project forgotten in his hands. 

“Yeah but why? I already kind of talked about dating customs the other day when we were talking about a potential partnership on Erid and it's not so dissimilar to the things I did. What more is there to say?”

“Interest in Grace. Not care about other human. Want to know Grace dating behavior, specific.” 

Ugh. He’s being difficult and persistent about this topic and I’m not sure why. My skin has begun to prickle, emphasized by the way he’s intently watching me and I feel like a bug under the microscope preparing for dissection. 

I know that ultimately he’s just curious and there’s no other reason for this line of questioning but there’s something about his insistence on it that is undeniably odd and I can’t figure out his endgame, if there is one. 

“Okay, okay, fine. I liked to go to parks or shows when we had time or money. Concerts where you watch people play with instruments to create music, or karaoke bars. Dinners were also something pretty standard for getting to know people and spending further time with them to talk about things-” I ignore Rocky’s disgusted noise. “-and quality time too. Just spending time with them quietly and stargazing or nights at home watching t.v. Stuff like that, I don’t know.” I trailed off with a shrug, purposefully leaving out the sex part because that was another thing I just didn’t feel like getting into with my alien pal at the moment. 

Rocky chirps, a happy little noise I honestly love and sways his carapace back and forth. The project drops from his hands as he does his little jazz hands movement at me.

“Yes quality time! Same things Rocky and Grace do together! Understand.”

For some reason my stomach swoops uncomfortably and the telltale prickle of sweat forming on my skin intensifies as I spin quickly around in the chair to face him fully with my hands out to emphasize just how ‘no’ I feel about this.

“Uh no, no, no– I mean yes some of that is definitely the same but the context is different–”

“No understand. Is same.” Rocky states, sounding almost smug and pleased in his tone. 

I’m about to start spiraling. Oh no. 

I do not want him to get the wrong idea here and I’m apparently failing miserably at explaining.

“No Rocky it’s different. We do some of the same activities I would do on dates or in a relationship but the feelings and emotions are totally different.”

I’ve never seen him slump so low, entire carapace and arms sinking towards the bottom of his enclosure in the most tangible display of complete despair I’ve ever seen. It’s honestly depressing to witness.

I don’t understand this reaction and I certainly don’t know how the heck I’m supposed to respond to it. And I apparently don’t have to because mere moments later Rocky presses the detonator to the emotional equivalent of a bomb: 

“But. Rocky love Grace.”

My stomach flips again even as I’m quick to shake my head because I must be misunderstanding this, what he’s telling me. I have to be because what is going on?

“I– I love you too, Rock. Lots. More than anything but not, you know, like that.”

It’s emotional whiplash by association watching the way Rocky’s entire carapace raises towards the ceiling as I say I love him only to be hit with another display of sadness seconds later as his arms turn in and he sinks low. 

“Rocky…Rocky love Grace like that.” 

…

Have I died? That’s the only explanation. The ship exploded at some point within the last five minutes and it was so quick I didn’t even realize it, my soul already bound to wherever the hell we go in the great beyond and I’m somehow stuck in purgatory on the way. 

“Uh– I uh. I’m…wow. Rocky I— wow.” 

Speechless. He’s rendered me speechless and I snap my mouth shut because it apparently fell open at some point and I’ve been gaping at him stupidly. 

“That’s– but what about Adrian?” It’s honestly the only thing I can think to say, the only thing truly worth saying at this point because what does Rocky mean he loves me ‘romantically’ when he has a mate waiting for him back at home?!

Rocky hums, “Yes, Adrian. Always love Adrian. Rocky lots of love to give. Is normal on Erid to have multiple mates. Not strange.” 

Oh. That was unexpected; I’m not sure why the Eridian concept of polyamory is shocking to me but for some reason it is. Not because I’m a prude or care, obviously, but more so the fact he didn’t think to bring this up before in one of our previous conversations. Especially since it now seems pretty dang relevant. 

“Oh,” I say aloud.

There's a rumbling as Rocky slowly, tentatively, rolls his ball closer to me. So close the edge touches my shoe before he stops and his hands press against the panes as he stares at me. 

“Thoughts question?”

“I don’t know, Rock.” A wheeze. My brain, my body, seems to be shutting down. I’m not sure what I’m saying or even where I am anymore but the only thing that feels right and safe to do right now is get away. Flee.

“Time, I think. I need. Processing. Yeah, I need to think about this.”

I get up, barely managing to skirt around the edges of Rocky’s ball without tripping or hitting him and practically run towards the exit, pretending I don’t hear Rocky’s distressed sounds or his call of “Grace!” in my retreat.

—-----------------------------------------

Embarrassed. Yes, I admit it. I’m embarrassed about how I reacted, about how I’m still reacting to be honest.

It’s been about a week since Rocky’s confession and while we’re still talking and getting things done in the same space it’s definitely been strained and awkward. Neither of us are touching the topic with a ten foot pole and physically I’m trying to leave more distance between us at all times. I know Rocky notices and it undoubtedly bothers him but he says nothing about it and simply allows me my space without comment.

Not that we were ever afforded the luxury of having a super tactile friendship but we definitely touched as much as the panes of our enclosures would allow and to have that small element of comfort suddenly gone is admittedly affecting me just as much as I assume it is him. 

We still watch each other sleep as normal but there’s no good morning greetings or soft exchanges of words as I sip my crappy coffee in bed as I wake up. Rocky simply acknowledges I’m awake with a nod before rolling away and starting his day.

It’s just, I don’t know how the heck to feel. How to even begin to process the insane fact Rocky - a literal alien from a different star system - has romantic feelings for me. No one prepared me for this, there’s no manual I can review about the appropriate ways to respond. I feel more lost and out of my element than I did waking up alone on a spaceship without a clue where I was and who I was. 

We’d been so busy trying to save the universe I didn’t have the luxury of time needed to mull over the way I felt about Rocky other than knowing at my core he’s someone I care about deeply and would do anything for. 

Wasn’t that enough? Why isn’t that enough? I’m confused about how we reached Point B from Point A and how things got so twisted that now Rocky feels he’s in love with me. 

Because surely he’s not actually, right? He has to be misconstruing something about our interactions or reading too deeply into something that I can’t comprehend. But that’s not a fair thought either and I know that–its an insult to his intelligence to claim he doesn’t know what he’s feeling. I mean he certainly seems to have a better handle on things than I do. 

I’m grasping at straws and I know it. Anything I can think of that could possibly circumvent any sort of follow up conversation from happening and ultimately coming up empty handed. It’s going to have to be addressed and I know that I just…I don’t want to. 

The telltale lump of shame rises in my throat again as I stare at the half-assed equation on the board in front of me.

Coward.

Rocky was so brave sharing his feelings with me, so brave in his openness of expression and choosing to be honest when it was probably scary for him to do so. And here I am withering away in the corner like an emotionally repressed hermit hissing and spitting that someone dare do something so dumb as fall in love with me. All because I don’t have the emotional capacity to handle it.

Ugh, man. Rocky deserves better than this. 

—-----------------------------------------

Later that night as I lie in bed and await sleep to take hold I stare at the wall, willing my body to get tired and for my brain to just shut off as it seems incapable of doing these days. 

Rocky is in his usual spot above me, silent and still save for the puffing of his vents as he breathes. Watching and looking over me, ever vigilant and steadfast. 

I’ve started to make lists in my mind, going over and over them with pros and cons and the variables and constants I know to be true of my thoughts and feelings towards my best friend. It’s the only way I know how to do things and make sense of the nonsensical.

I love him; I know that much to be true. 

I love spending time with him and talking with him; the way we could spend hours learning more about each other or just inane chit chat without growing bored. 

I love the attitude he gets when something doesn’t go his way and how he bosses me around (but I’ll never tell him that.)

I love the way he’s always there for me, so considerate, sometimes knowing what I need before I realize it myself. 

I love the way he can never sing any of the karaoke songs right no matter how much he tries. 

I love the little happy noises he makes at a discovery or when I do something that pleases him.

I love how cute and quiet he is after first waking up, gusts of air pushing through his vents as he powers back up and stretching all his limbs out like a cat. 

I love just…being near him. It feels like all is right in the universe when he’s by my side. 

I remember how it felt those long months returning back to him; the sleepless nights wracked with worry, not knowing what I was going to return to once I finally found him again. I just needed to see him again, to know that he was okay. 

I swallow hard.

It’s clear I have a lot of feelings for him but romantic feelings? What would that even look like? What does Rocky expect that to look like? I’m sure he has expectations for what the relationship would entail but I haven’t the slightest clue what that would be. 

For some reason the concept of dating an alien in the ‘normal’ way as humans do feels insane to me even though as we’d already established, a lot of it would probably look about the same at its core.

Plus, oh god, sex? How would that even work? Does Rocky even enjoy sex outside of procreation and necessity? Has Rocky thought about sex with me?

No, nope. I can’t think about any of that right now and it terrifies me to realize it’s not because the concept grosses me out or scares me but rather because it doesn’t. Never once before now have I considered getting my rocks off (hah) with my best friend but now that I am I find I’m not as opposed to the idea as I figured I would be.

What does that even mean??

Plus, arguably the most important component here is his existing mate Adrian and it’s a variable I can’t fail to factor in but also can’t understand since we haven’t even met yet. Their very existence and the fact they haven’t agreed to any of this is one of the hurdles I’m having a hard time overcoming.

What if Adrian doesn’t like me, accept me? It feels like it’s asking a lot of someone to suddenly accept a third into the relationship after Rocky has already been gone for so many years. It would be a lot to process. 

Another part of me worries I wouldn’t like Adrian but that thought is quickly squashed because if they’re anything like Rocky then I know I could just as easily fall in love with them as–

I choke on my saliva suddenly, coughing hard as I roll over and up to clear my windpipe, smacking my chest.

Oh my God.

“Grace okay question?” Rocky’s distressed voice sounds from above and I hear the pitter-patter of movement as he readjusts to fully look at me, claws tapping quietly on the glass several times. 

“Not–” The coughing persists. “I’m fine, just swallowed wrong, is all.”

“Sensitive human.” Rocky chirps, quietly, almost like he’s unsure if he’s allowed to tease anymore and it tugs at my heart as I realize it’s been days now since we’ve joked with one another or had fun. 

“Yeah,” I agree as I let out a throaty laugh now that the coughing has finally subsided. I’d moved to sit, legs swung over the edge of the bed and still staring at the wall, my back to Rocky.

The air is tense suddenly and it feels like we’re both holding our breath, waiting. Rocky is silent but I can tell he’s watching me intently and knows I want to say something. 

“I–” A choke, again; a swallowed sob. I have to get this out, why is this all so hard for me?

“I just wanted to say, first, I’m sorry for the way I’ve been acting towards you lately. I know I haven’t been fair and things have been weird. And I’m sorry.”

Rocky doesn’t say anything other than a quiet rumbling in response, his body shifting behind me in what I presume is him sitting to further attention as he realizes I’m opening up and doesn’t want to deter me by interrupting.

“I’m bad with…feelings, with processing this kind of thing or understanding it. It’s been a strong point of contention in previous relationships, actually.” I laugh but it’s without humor. Rocky stays quiet. 

“But uh, you were honest with me about your feelings so I feel it’s fair that I’m honest with you too. I owe you that much.” A pause, again. This truly is just so difficult and the urge to make a joke or make light of the situation is right there on the tip of my tongue but it’s not the right time for that and I know it. I have to be brave.

“I do care for you, a lot. Maybe more than I initially realized or let myself acknowledge. I don’t tend to self-reflect a lot plus with everything-” I wave my hands around. “-we had going on it just wasn’t something I had on my mind. It didn’t seem important.”

“Grace feelings always important.” Rocky mumbles, tone subdued. Clearly feeling compelled to interject but also not wanting to detract away from my speech. 

“I’m glad you think so, Rock.” I hum, smiling to myself at his obvious response. “And yours are too which is why I think you should know where I’m at right now, emotionally, and how I’m feeling. So you don’t have to wonder anymore or be…I don’t know, sad, or whatever it is you’ve been feeling the last week.”

“Much sad, yes.” Rocky agrees and it hurts me to hear but I can’t say I’m surprised. I’ve been a complete ass to him after such a vulnerable moment on his part. 

I take a deep breath in before exhaling shakily, eyes closing and fingers gripping at the edge of the bed tightly.

“I– I think, no, I know I want to try with you. This. This thing. A relationship or whatever it is we want to call it. But to be honest I’m terrified, more terrified than I’ve ever been of anything in my life-” Which is saying something considering the better part of the last decade or so and how that has gone. “-but I trust you, I trust us and what we have between us. I’m just worried, I guess.” 

Understatement, really, but I figure it’s better to start small and then we can work our way up the conversation conga line of all the ways this could possibly go wrong. 

“Worry why question?” There’s more movement behind me and I finally turn to take the first look at Rocky and see he’s in the process of coming down, working on getting into his ball. 

“There’s just so many ways this could go wrong, so many things that could happen. What if it doesn’t, you know, work out? In that way. And then you’re still stuck as my only companion and guide on Erid after an awkward break up. Not to mention the whole age gap thing.” Which, oh god, how had I not even considered that yet and just how much longer he was going to live than me—

“Grace.” Rocky interrupts my internal spiral, the loud sounds of his ball rolling over to me momentarily knocking the thoughts from my mind. He stops a short way in front of me, close enough the edge of the ball glances across my shin as I stare down at him. 

I don’t know what the expression on my face is but it must amuse him because he makes the equivalent sound of a snort that I’ve grown to love.

“So much worry for no reason.” He asserts, his tone teasing again as his hands come up to rest on the panes of the ball closest to me. If the boundaries were gone he’d be touching my leg. I swallow back another emotional outburst. 

“Rocky…we can’t even properly touch each other.”

Rocky waves a free hand dismissively and shrugs a few shoulders, “Is no issue. Already know and work on solution.”

Wait what?

“What what? Really? How long?”

“Long while.” Rocky confesses, tone sheepish and he tilts his carapace down, back leg making a small circle on the floor. “Rocky hoped. Didn’t know but hoped Grace want this too.”

Oh my god he’s trying to make me cry I swear to God.

“Okay wow, well, wow. That…that would be awesome, bud.” 

Rocky nods and chirps, “Yes yes yes. Much awe.” His tone lowers again in a shift as he continues on, “If mate partnership not work is okay. We try and see. Rocky never not love Grace no matter what. Never abandon. Rocky be with Grace always.”

Well here comes the tears, officially. Dang it.

Rocky gives me a moment as the tears continue to fall, harder, and I hear small noises emit from his ball growing more and more insistent until I finally rub my eyes and grab my glasses to look at him. 

Two of his arms are raised up high, outstretched towards me. 

Immediately I jump off the bed and crouch down, arms wrapping as wide as they can around the expanse of the ball, curling in as tight as possible to him and him to me, the warmth exuding from him a balm to my cold and clammy skin. 

“Rocky I–” 

He shushes me, quietly and gently, and I hear the sounds of him sliding a claw over the top part of the enclosure, close to my head. He would be stroking my hair if the walls weren’t between us and the thought is enough to make me almost tear up again but I’m determined to stop being a leaky human and finish this conversation with him. 

After a few more moments of soft sniffling on my part as I attempt to compose myself, I sit back on the floor, legs spread wide around him so we can be as close as possible still.

“Sorry,” I say again, can’t help it, and Rocky shakes his carapace.

“No apology. Used to leaky human tendencies.”

I laugh because he’s right, of course. He’s probably seen me cry more than anyone on Earth ever had. 

“No, I know, it’s just. I still feel badly about the way this all went down and how I handled it. I also just want to be honest with you that this is going to be hard. I’m not an easy person to be in a relationship with and I don’t want you to have any false pretenses of what you’re getting into here. But I do know I want to try.”

Rocky is watching me, considering, fingers clicking as he thinks. 

“Many good things not easy. Much is difficult. Is worth it to try.” He pauses to emit a vast gust of air, his vents clicking in quick succession. “Rocky knows all things about Grace. Experience many difficult situations together. Still want Grace. Rocky is sure.”

“In sickness and in health,” I joke lowly under my breath, in disbelief that this is even my life, that this is happening. 

The fact this alien has seen all sides there is to see of me at this point and still somehow wants me. That’s nuts. 

Rocky tilts, curious, “What mean question?”

“Oh don’t worry about it, just joking.” We’ve had enough newness for one night I think, there’s no way I’m going to touch the topic of marriage yet.

Though, now that I’ve had a moment of clarity and some of the harder stuff has been discussed and out of the way I realized there was something I’d been wondering about.

“Hey a few weeks ago, when you brought up dating and asking all those questions. What was all that about? You were acting so weird. I mean I assume it has to do with all of this but I’m not sure...”

Rocky nods sagely and makes a noise of agreement. “Yes Rocky act weird. Rocky not like idea of Grace dating Eridian who is not Rocky. Or Adrian. Jealous. Would respect desires if Grace want mate not Rocky but. Not a happy thought for Rocky. Want Grace happy more.” The confession rolls out of him so easily and without shame; I have a lot to learn from him in that way. 

“Ah right.” Is what I say aloud but internally it’s taking everything in me to not burst into tears again. Pull yourself together, Grace.

“And,” Rocky pauses, tip-tapping his feet as he moves back and forth in place. “Desired to understand extent of Grace feeling for Rocky. Many probing questions necessary. Grace not upset question?”

“No, not upset, I was just confused. It seemed left field for you and I couldn’t understand the line of questioning or where it came from. I guess it all makes sense now.” I shake my head, “Honestly I admire you a lot. I think if you’d never said anything we wouldn’t be where we are right now. I sure don’t think I could have ever made this discovery on my own, without your guidance.”

Rocky chitters, “No, not without Rocky help. Grace stupid sometimes.”

“A lot of the time,” I correct him and I mean it, especially when it comes to the capacity of understanding emotions and being vulnerable. 

Rocky goes still for a moment, a nervous quiet overtaking him as his body moves back and forth again, a single claw quietly tapping the ground behind him.

“Grace say it question?” The bashful tone of his voice almost melts me and god how has it taken this long for me to realize how utterly whipped I am?

It also takes zero time at all to know what it is he wants me to tell him.

“I love you Rocky,” I say, smiling as I watch Rocky’s entire demeanor light up and he shimmies happily and jazz hands with delight, loud trilling noises filling the empty room. 

“Okay you’re being too adorable, come here again-” I pull him in again for another hug, resting my body against the panes as the thump of him coming closer and reciprocating reverberates through me. 

My eyes close as I sigh, attempting to snuggle even closer. Bliss. This must be what bliss feels like; I’d almost forgotten what it felt like to be truly at peace and happy, without a care in the universe. I should try this more often. 

I’m allowed a few more minutes of utter tranquility before it’s shattered.

“Grace-” Rocky starts slowly.

“Yeah, pal?”

Rocky giggles. “Rocky cannot wait to fool around with Grace.”

My eyes snap open and I groan. No, nope. Nuh uh.

That’s definitely a conversation for another day.